Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Gather round, team. I got a surprise.

We're taking a vacation to Hawaii.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Really?

Just for fun, no mystery?

There's one mystery, yes, there is.

Do you all wanna fly coach or first class?

-Are you kidding? First class! -(GASPS)

Yeah, first class.

Oh, oh, I was hoping you guys would choose coach, you know?

Since I already got us coach.

Since it's so much cheaper, you know?

Well, what island are we going to?

Oh, please. Please say Kauai.

You have not lived until you've made love under Wailua Falls.

Nope. We're going to Honolulu,

known for its nightlife and its overcrowded beaches.

Well, it's still Hawaii and I for one, am ready to get lei'd!

(LAUGHS) You're gonna start off with one of those big Samoans, are you,

for your first time out? (SCOFFS)

I'm talking about a lei. It's flowers.

Flowers. Yeah, well, you're gonna get de-flowered by a giant-dicked Samoan.

-Okay. -(PIGEON LAUGHS)

Did it lock? Make sure it locks.

Good. I did bring some jewelry for tonight.

It's nothing ostentatious. A little chain, a matching bracelet.

I think they're (BLEEP) in there.

-(MAN MOANS) -(WOMAN GASPS)

-Hotel security! -WOMAN: (WHISPERING) What?

Need you to open this door, right this second.

-(GIGGLING) -MAN: What?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(MAN GROANS)

Hey! Which one of you little shits knocked on my door?

Was it you?

Oh, no, you don't.

I want to know which one of you

thought it would be fun to have sport with an old man.

-Whoa! -(YUNG HEE GASPS)

Oh, the elevator! His towel must have got caught in the gears!

Oh, my God, we're trapped!

Oh, I'm claustrophobic! I'm freaking out!

Put that old man's giant hard (BLEEP) in your mouth. It'll calm you down.

-YUNG HEE: Oh, my God! -Oh, dear Lord.

(PIGEON LAUGHS)

Whoa, how the hell are you still aroused, man?

Dad, press the call button.

-(DIALING) -WOMAN: (ON INTERCOM) Aloha, building maintenance.

This is Haulani.

-Oh, hey, How-Lee. -No, it's Haulani.

That's cool.

Hey, we're stuck in this elevator

with this old man with his big boner.

So, can you get us out of here, please?

Yeah, that elevator gets stuck a lot.

Last time it took, like, three hours to get it going.

But let me call the company that fixes it.

Just remain calm and just, like, stay calm.

Okay, Henry.

Well, everybody, this seems like a good moment to reminisce.

Think back on some of our "Best of" moments.

Like, remember when we all flew to Hawaii

to go on a much, much needed vacation?

Gather round, team. I got a surprise.

We're taking a vacation to Hawaii.

Michael, that happened this morning,

so, if we're gonna reminisce...

My favorite mystery was the time we all went to Cairo. Uh?

Remember that?

MARQUESS: You were driving like a bat out of hell,

because you stole that Egyptian man's hat.

It's just a hat, Marquess, no one cares.

-(GUNFIRE) -Oh, damn!

Are you okay?

Is everybody okay?

I'm sorry. We're so sorry.

Fattah el-Sisi, President of Egypt.

Good to meet you.

We've been having a lot of issues

with our new pyramid-shaped drones.

Doing a lot of blowing up of innocent people.

Please, allow me, and the state of Egypt, to make it up to you.

MARQUESS: And make it up to us they did.

The food, the drink.

The being bathed by slender young manservants.

The dusky, almost hairless body, those hands...

Hands everywhere and...

Mouths.

HAULANI: (ON INTERCOM) Aloha. Great news, everyone.

The repair guy is on his way.

But he was over on Kauai,

so it's gonna be a couple of hours.

So, just remain calm and, you know, keep calm.

A couple of hours?

Why, are you getting hungry?

-Don't worry, we got Pigeon. -What?

That's why I bring him everywhere I go.

You know, in case something like this happens,

you're stuck somewhere, you got to eat...

Bam! Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Okay. Wanna hear what mystery I'll never forget?

No.

HAULANI: (ON INTERCOM) Aloha. I'd like to hear.

Aw, thank you, Haulani.

His name Harlan.

It was when we were on that submarine.

Oh, that one, when I beat up that frog man?

No, the other one.

In Scotland.

YUNG HEE: We were asked once and for all

to prove the existence of the Loch Ness Monster.

I was manning the sonar station.

-(SONAR BEEPS) -I'm picking up something.

Pigeon, can you see anything?

I'm not talking to you.

Pigeon's still mad that he's not inside the submarine.

Here, let me talk to him.

Listen, Pigeon, it's Mike Tyson.

I know you're upset that we put you in that little scuba gear

and shot you out of the torpedo tube,

but just hear me out.

The reason why you're swimming out there alone in that cold, deep water,

and not me and Marquess and Yung, is because...

Shit, I can't remember what the reason was.

Oh, well. Stay safe, buddy.

Ah, what a collection of assholes.

Hello!

Are you the Loch Ness Monster?

I'm not a monster.

I'm scared of everybody,

and I just try to hide, and every once in a while, they spot me.

But I'm so lonely.

All I want is to love and to be loved.

Oh, my God, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Will you be my friend?

Of course, big fella.

He gave us the signal. Torpedo!

Damn, Yung. Way to bum us all out.

The whole point of a clip show is to remember the good stuff.

The highlights, the sizzles.

Like, for example, remember when we all stood on that cliff

and watched that nuclear bomb destroy that small town in Arizona?

You know what I'm saying. Fun stuff.

-(RUMBLING) -(YUNG HEE GASPS)

(GASPS) Oh, thank God.

What the (BLEEP)?

Doesn't anyone want to know what my favorite mystery was?

How could you have a favorite mystery? We just met you.

Oh, no, little boy.

Mmm-mmm.

We've all met before.

Hey, eyes up here!

Hmm? Oh, oh.

Sorry, I just... I just can't believe that's still going.

I was in the middle of robbing the US Treasury.

OLD MAN: Oh, we thought we were in trouble,

until he stopped and turned, as if posing for a photo.

Just posing.

We watched him there for a bit, posing and primping and carrying on.

-MARQUESS: Mm. Mm. -It went on for 20 minutes.

We were able to fully unload that bank vault.

I've never seen such a vain man.

Hmm, mmm-hmm.

Hmm-- Oh!

I used half of the money to buy an island in the South Pacific.

OLD MAN: Inspired by the Jurassic Park films,

I paid some graduate students

from the Texas A&M School of Veterinary Medicine

to make me a bunch of dinosaurs.

And make them they did.

But one of them got cold feet and sent you a pigeon with a note.

No one's gonna disrupt the balance of nature on my watch.

OLD MAN: The poor dinosaurs.

They'd been brought back to life just to be mowed down like the buffalo.

And when you ran out of bullets, you used your fists.

My plans for a dinosaur theme park lay in ruins.

But thankfully, I had used the rest of the stolen money

to build an enormous cement, four-armed samurai warrior in New Mexico.

What on earth for?

I don't know.

That's unclear, but I had visited Japan as a boy,

so maybe that had something to do with it.

And land is so cheap in New Mexico,

especially down there near Las Cruces.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

This might have been a waste of $50 million.

What is that?

MAN: (ON RADIO) Er, Mr. Tyson, you were just supposed to sit in the jet for a photo op.

You were definitely not supposed to take off. Over.

Just a quick joyride. Over.

I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. Over.

Is that...

OLD MAN: It is a Christmas miracle that I survived.

Homeless and now penniless.

I did the only thing that made sense.

I joined a passing Kabuki theater troupe

on their way to perform in Las Vegas.

Oh, man, I hate Kabuki.

OLD MAN: I know.

But now I am going to have my revenge.

Prepare to die, Mike Tyson!

PIGEON: Oh, my God, did you have that pistol in your butthole?

-(GASPS) -(ROARS)

-(YUNG HEE SCREAMS) -MIKE: Whoa!

-(MARQUESS SCREAMS) -(OLD MAN CHOKING)

(YUNG HEE WHIMPERING)

Aloha! It's me, Haulani.

I don't think the repairman was ever gonna come, really.

Climb on my back and let me show you my favorite place in Hawaii.

The Mauna Kea summit.

This is the only place in Hawaii where you can see snow.