Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Good afternoon, Boss. Can I hook you up with a supreme...

Bup-bup-bup. You don't need to sell me any of that supreme shit.

I just need the regular wash, okay?

Just a regular wash, the $9.99 one.

Yeah, okay, boss. No Armor All for the tires?

Yeah, hit 'em with the high-gloss tire spray, man.

Make them shine like new money.

I like that sexy, wet, jet-black, high shine.

Okay, how about a wax? The supreme wash comes with a wax for the paint

that protects the car from oxidation and corrosion.

No, I just want that regular wash with the tire spray.

So, you're not worried about the oxidation?

Oh, I'm worried about it. This is an older vehicle.

I'm also worried about corrosion.

Is that something you talked about

or was I just thinking that out?

I don't know, but either way

the supreme wash will take care of the corrosion

and the oxidation.

Plus you get to pick your scent.

I don't want any of that shit. I just want shiny tires,

a wax, and an apple cinnamon smell.

But no steam clean today, Boss?

Damn, fool, yes, steam clean!

My Lord, how long does it take for a regular, basic car wash?

(WOMAN SNIFFLING)

-Here you go, dear. -Thank you.

Hmm? No, I don't need that... Okay.

-I'm Marquess. -Anne.

Everything okay?

Yes. Yes, I'm fine.

(SNIFFLES) No. No, I'm not fine.

I just found out I'm pregnant

and when I told Adam, he's my boyfriend,

he just completely shut down.

I mean, he didn't say anything. Not a word.

Just walked out the door.

He's one of those nice guys that never yells.

We never argued. Never.

But every once in a while, Adam could say something so heartless.

I mean, I always said he was missing a sensitivity chip,

but he was never intentionally cruel, but...

I don't know. You find out your girlfriend is pregnant and you just...

Leave?

I don't know anyone in Las Vegas.

We met online six months ago,

and just went for it, and...

(CRIES)

I know he loves me, I really do. I'm just...

I'm so scared to be alone right now.

What am I going to do?

-Aw... -(WHISTLING)

Finally.

Damn, it looks good! All that for $9.99?

It was $93.

Yeah, but I can smell that cinnamon apple from here.

So imagine how strong it is when I get inside the van!

Ooh, damn! I don't have any cash for a tip.

Anybody got a one? Hey, lady, you got a one?

-Michael! -What?

I've paid by credit card. You got one dollar?

I only have a ten.

That's fine. I'm a celeb that should tip big anyway.

Let's go, team.

MARQUESS: Michael! We have to help this woman!

-What woman? -The woman you just took $10 from.

She gave me $10, Marquess.

In any event, she is desperate for help

and we should give it to her.

Ask Pigeon what he thinks.

-Where is he? -MAN: Hey, man!

Is this your bird?

He got sucked up when we were vacuuming.

I don't know if he's dead or what, but he messed up our vacuum cleaner pretty bad.

Oh... (COUGHS)

What happened?

-He's fine. -PIGEON: Oh!

Yung, what do you think?

(SNIFFLING)

I, uh... I kinda think this is more of a job for a couples' counselor.

Okay, so that's a "no" from Yung, a "yes" from Marquess,

and an "abstained" from Pigeon.

So I guess I'm the swing vote, huh?

All that pressure, damn!

Now I know what it feels like

to be like Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy.

All eyes on you. Which way do you go?

Which way do you go?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

I guess I vote "yes!"

Thanks for letting us go in your car, lady,

because it's like our car just got cleaned.

My car just got cleaned.

Yeah, but I don't know if you're a dirty person

or you like to eat in the car, you know?

I am what they call a clean freak.

You mind if I look in here and just poke around?

I'm also what they call a nosy Nellie!

What the (BLEEP) is this?

"For relief from itching associated with moderate

"to severe bacterial skin infection."

Is yours moderate or severe?

ANNE: This is where Adam works.

He's the produce manager.

Yeah, there's no Adam here.

-Is he on break? -Mmm-mmm. Nobody named Adam works here.

What? Him! Adam!

He's worked here for over a year.

Yeah, no, I've never seen that guy.

I don't understand.

Why would Adam lie to me?

Sir, you're gonna have to pay for that.

Oh, um, I had this with me when I came in.

I brought this cereal with me from my house.

-Dad? -Fine!

Hey, lady, you got another ten?

Where would he go every day?

Well, there's obviously a lot more to the story.

Not necessarily.

This just might be where the story ends.

Unsatisfying, unresolved, disturbing.

Well, nice to meet you, ma'am.

Can you give us a ride back to the car wash?

(ALL SCREAMING)

I should've voted "no!"

I should've been Justice Elena Kagan,

or Justice Samuel Alito, hopelessly partisan!

Where are we?

You're at a secret military installation.

I'm Dr. Sakti Chakrabarti, head of DARPA.

What the (BLEEP) is that?

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.

No... Chaky-saka-baty?

-What is that? -My name.

Oh, okay. And what the (BLEEP) is DARPA?

Dad, she just said what it was.

Oh, yeah, right, right. Defense something, something.

And her name is Atari Pentagraph. I got it.

I'm up to date, yeah. I'm up to date, gang.

Please continue.

For the past 20 years,

we have been working on artificial intelligence defense systems.

543 days ago we had a breakthrough,

and we called it Adam.

Adam. Where is he?

Meet Adam. Advanced Dynamic Android Machine.

-Adam! -He can't hear you.

He's uploading all of his experiences,

just as he does every day.

Hmm. He can upload his experiences into me any day of the week,

and twice on Sunday.

(LAUGHS) No, I'm sorry. I'm just saying, that body!

What are you saying? He's a robot?

That's a crude word for what he is.

Adam is A.I. Artificial Intelligence.

Ooh, like a Roomba.

-Not really. -Agree to disagree.

Well, what does this have to do with me?

Why did you choose me to be his girlfriend?

We didn't choose you, he did.

Adam is a fully-autonomous being.

That's the definition of A.I.

By some measures, he is as human as you or I.

Of course, he lacks sensitivity and empathy.

He is a machine, after all.

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

You said "sensitivity chip", and you were right!

I see what you're saying. He's like a washing machine.

No, he's nothing like a washing machine.

Your Roomba example was actually closer to what he is.

Then why did you jump down my throat when I said it?

Doctor, Adam is uploading something I think you should see.

That can't be!

You're pregnant?

Yes. Oh, my God!

Is there something wrong with my baby?

You mean our baby.

That child belongs to the United States Government.

No! This is Adam's and my baby.

I don't care what you say he is.

He's the father of this child

and we're going to be a family!

Oh, like C-3PO

and his little baby, R2-D2.

Take Anne to the clinic for observation.

-And kill the rest. -MARQUESS: Kill?

What the (BLEEP)?

No!

Stay away from her.

-(ANNE GASPS) -(ALARM SOUNDS)

You will never harm Anne or Anne's friends ever.

(GUNS COCKING)

-Adam! -Anne!

ANNE: Mmm.

Good thing he thought we were Anne's friends.

Uh, me next! (LAUGHS) Kidding. Kinda.

I bet that baby's gonna be something cool like an iPod or a Fitbit,

but no matter what it's gonna have problems fitting in,

especially middle school.

Kids can be so cruel.

You were picked on a lot, right, Pigeon?

Oh, damn! Pigeon's still in that sealed plastic bag in the van.

I hope he's okay.

-(PLASTIC CRINKLING) -(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(HEAVY BREATHING CONTINUES)

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS)

You can stop struggling.

The fight is over.

The pain has passed.

PIGEON: Oh... Where am I?

You're in heaven.

You're going to experience ecstasy like you've never known.

We'll begin slowly in the orgy room.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Would you like a condom?

I'm just kidding. In heaven, you can ejaculate wherever you please.

(BLOWING)

(PIGEON COUGHING)

MIKE: Pigeon!

He's alive!

Why the hell did you do that? I was about to ejaculate all over heaven!

Hmm, been there, done that.

Trust me, it gets old real fast.

Everyone making pearly gay jokes.

I mean, it's not clever, people. It's vulgar.

I saved your life, dude! You owe me.

Ooh, I'm gonna make you pay back slow.

You're a (BLEEP) pigeon.

You're gonna wish you died in this bag

with all the shit I'm gonna make you do for me.

No more paying for car wash for Mike Tyson,

that's for sure.

Wow! What an honor to be invited into the delivery room.

You're the closest thing we have to family.

Hmm, that's sad.

-(MACHINE BEEPING) -(BREATHING HEAVILY)

It's coming!

-(ALL GASP) -(ANNE YELLING)

(THUDS)

What the (BLEEP) is that?

-(SNARLING) -I don't know, but it ain't no Fitbit.

-(WEAPONS ARMING) -(ALL GASP)

-(WEAPONS FIRING) -(WOMEN SCREAMING)

MIKE: Oh, we getting the (BLEEP) outta here!

-(WEAPONS CONTINUE FIRING) -(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)