Original subtitles

(BELLS PLAYING MELODY)

(BELLS CONTINUE)

Whoa!

Oh, hi, I'm Cassie.

Well, charmed, I'm sure. I'm Richard.

Since this is obviously some sort of an erotic dream,

why don't you go ahead and slip out of those little shorts of yours? (CHUCKLES)

Yung didn't tell me she had a pet bird.

You're so cute! I'm an animal lover.

Yeah? Well, you're about to be an animal (BLEEP), see?

-(CHUCKLES) -YUNG HEE: Oh, hey, Cassie.

Yung, get out of my dream,

you're ruining it!

I just met your little bird.

Yeah, well, I'm big where it counts, honey.

In my drawers, sister!

-(PIGEON GRUNTS) -Come inside.

I'll "come inside."

MARQUESS: (HUMMING) Hmm?

Hey, Dad. This is my friend Cassie that I told you about.

Hi, nice to meet you, Cassie.

Oh, and this is our butler, Marquess.

What? I'm not your butler.

What are you talking about? You just made me a sandwich.

You do all the cleaning. You wear that butler outfit.

You got that fake British accent.

Oh, my God. Okay, lovely to meet you, Cassie.

Now, what are you girls up to today, hmm?

Cassie came over to help me pack for our trip.

What trip?

Spring break. We're going to Miami.

-Come on, Cassie. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No soda pops in your room. We don't want ants.

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT) Sure. Yeah.

Ah! I'm impressed, Michael.

Letting Yung go to Miami with a friend.

Oh, (BLEEP).

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Come back here, young lady.

What is this I hear about me letting you go to Miami with a friend?

Uh... I don't know. Did... Did you hear that?

Oh, I sure did.

I don't like it, but I heard it.

So, are we clear, young lady?

Yeah?

Crystal clear?

Crystal clear.

Well, all right then. You girls have fun.

I'm just so glad we had a talk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What about these sodas?

Don't just leave them sitting around, open, for ants to drink.

Take them up in your room.

Butler, draw my bath.

What?

I don't want to tell you how to do your job, Marquess,

but maybe next time, less bubbles.

Mmm.

What are you guys doing out here?

-Nothing. Literally nothing. -(MARQUESS EXCLAIMS)

Just standing here. We weren't even talking.

Wh... What?

(EXCLAIMS) I was talking to you!

I was telling you about when I was an altar boy,

and Father Ferdinand took me up to the belfry and made me...

I can't say it again.

(SOBBING) It was hard enough saying it once.

Hey, guys, help me find a mystery

that takes place in Miami.

Wait... Michael!

We're not going on spring break with Yung.

We're not going to Miami on spring break.

We're going to Miami to solve a mystery.

Hey, what the hell are you winking at me for, Father Ferdinand?

(SCOFFS)

(GIRLS LAUGHING INDISTINCTLY)

What are they doing up there?

Huh? Oh, Yung and Cassie?

-I think they're trying on swimsuits. -What the (BLEEP)?

Why didn't you tell me that instead of wasting all my time

with that awful molestation tale?

How dare you!

God damn it. I can't see a (BLEEP) thing.

-(GIRLS GIGGLING) -Fly, you dumb piece of (BLEEP). Fly!

(GROANS) Screw it.

Found one.

What? You really found a mystery that takes place in Miami?

No, Cuba. But that's right next door.

-(GIRLS EXCLAIM) -CASSIE: Oh! A pigeon!

(PIGEON LAUGHING)

YUNG HEE: Oh! Get out!

(PIGEON EXCLAIMS, GROANS)

It was worth it.

So, basically, we would like your help

in transitioning away from communism to capitalism.

But do this in a way that does not make it seem like we are backpedaling

or admitting a mistake.

We don't want to hear, "I told you so."

I mean, we really don't want to hear that, okay?

This, "I told you so." Please.

No one likes to hear, "I told you so."

Nobody likes to hear, "I told you so."

So, how do you want to proceed?

Well, normally, what we do when we take on a new mystery

is hear about the mystery, which we just did.

So, we can check that off the list.

Then we shift into our period of reflection,

which you just got a little taste of when we got quiet.

And it was like, "Who's gonna talk next?"

And that period could last anywhere from a few minutes to a few days.

What's your mystery again?

Hmm. We want to switch from a central-planned economy

to more like a free-market system.

But, like, without saying we are really doing that.

You know what I mean?

Okay, cool. So, your mystery is more complicated than most.

So, I'm gonna definitely estimate in a few days of reflection.

We'll be in Miami for the next couple of days for spring break, and we'll call you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You must stay in Cuba until the job is done.

We will put you up in one of our finest government-run boarding houses.

Oh, well, if it is as nice as this office,

then it's gonna be a piece of (BLEEP).

You know, just like this office is a piece of (BLEEP)?

I think this office is just a...

This is really the presidential office?

And you are only now wondering if you should rethink your economic system?

Okay, I think we need to have a rule,

that from now on, we don't go on a mystery

until all of us have read the mystery,

because I don't even understand this one.

It seems like it's more for an economics team,

or a bunch of diplomats.

It also seems dangerous.

I'm pretty sure we're under house arrest right now,

and you know they torture people here.

These Castros, they seem cute and eccentric,

with their cigars and their mustaches, but they torture people. They do.

Yeah. Anyone who doesn't agree with them.

Poets, artists, political dissidents.

They lock them up. Really. Yeah, I read it.

I read it in Vanity Fair.

(PIGEON INHALES)

(EXHALES AND COUGHS)

(COUGHING)

(SPITS)

Oh, my God.

Okay, Michael, what is our... What?

-(MAN GROANING) -(GASPS)

(GASPS) Michael!

Come on! We gotta get to Miami.

MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS) We have been walking for seven hours.

Do you have any idea where we are?

I bet we're on the outskirts of Miami.

Like, probably around Key Biscayne.

Or Tampa. Yeah, this looks like Tampa.

-I bet we're closer to Haiti than Tampa. -(RUMBLING)

(MARQUESS GASPS)

(ALL YELLING)

MARQUESS: Quick! Grab my hand!

Grab my hand. Pigeon!

-Whoa. -(MARQUESS SCREAMING)

Oh, that was Marquess?

I thought it was maybe a snake or something.

Like, a jungle snake.

But I guess it was Marquess.

He was with us, wasn't he?

Oh, we must be in Orlando. That's Epcot.

Yeah, maybe.

Probably not, though, because we never crossed the ocean.

You know what that's gotta be?

That's Guantanamo Bay.

Oh, shit. He can't hear me, he ran off.

(EXHALES)

Ah...

I should make this a regular thing that I do.

Very pleasurable.

(COUGHING)

(SPITS)

You won't believe it, Pigeon.

-That was not Epcot. -I believe it.

And these wonderful men were caged up like animals.

The poets, the artists that Marquess was talking about.

I do not believe that part.

I said, "Hey, you guys wanna be free?"

And then I just ripped a hole in the fence,

and they just started pouring out of there, scattering in all directions.

PRISONER: Khaled, everyone!

We've got our boats.

Hey, your guys have room for two more?

Of course, Mike Tyson. You set us free.

We will never forget whose side you are really on.

Hey, fellas, let me ask you something.

Were any of you tortured back there?

I mean, that Cuban government is bad news.

I'm kind of glad we didn't help solve their mystery.

-(GROANS, EXCLAIMS) -(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(MARQUESS GASPING)

ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!

(GRUNTS)

I'm so thirsty. Give me that.

ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!

(GASPS)

I've drunk nothing but my own urine for the past three days.

So, so much urine!

If I never have another sip of urine again,

it will be too soon.

ALL: (CHEERING) Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

YUNG HEE: Marquess?

Marquess!

(GASPS)

Yung! Oh, thank God.

You have no idea what I have been through.

There are so many sharks between here and Cuba.

I mean, it's all sharks.

You can just walk on their backs. I don't...

I don't know why I built a raft.

What were you doing in Cuba?

What? Solving a mystery.

Well, then, where's Dad and Pigeon?

MIKE: How long were we in that boat?

I don't know. I fell asleep.

It felt like six or seven days.

Damn, looks like Miami hasn't recovered from the recession.

Oh, wait. This is way too shitty to be Miami.

This gotta be Jacksonville.

But we're close, Pigeon.

Jacksonville isn't too far from Miami.

Let's start walking.

-(GUNS FIRING INDISTINCTLY) -(MAN SPEAKING ARABIC)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)