Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, everybody, you know what time it is?

Mystery time.

But it's also 11:08, no, 11:09.

Well, it's actually 12:35, so...

Did you just take a shower?

Yeah, why?

Well, we have a bird bath outside.

A bird... (BLEEP) you, Marquess.

I also used the toilet

and left you a little surprise in there.

Oh, and I also ejaculated all over your toothbrush,

so why don't you go clean it off

in your precious bird bath?

Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the nest.

Yung?

We have a new mystery.

YUNG HEE: (PANTING) Yeah, just, uh...

Just give me one second.

(CONTINUES PANTING)

What are you doing in there?

YUNG HEE: Nothing, I'm, just...

I'm almost done.

(GASPS)

(WHISPERS) Is she masturbating?

(GROANS) Oh, and I just jacked off.

Come on, come on out of there.

Ah, wake up.

Pigeon, stop. Let's just go.

No way. I'm going in there.

-I want to watch. -No!

Hey, need a hand?

Pigeon!

You're exercising?

(SCOFFS) You know what? I'm glad I just jacked off.

-Ugh. -(PIGEON SIGHS)

Come on, team, it's mystery time.

YUNG HEE: I'm so excited the mystery is going to be in San Francisco.

Damn, this is going to be fun.

Fisherman's Wharf, cable cars,

the Wailing Wall...

I love San Francisco.

Aw, man.

Hell, maybe we can get tickets to the Sydney Opera House.

Well, Dad, don't forget we also have to solve a mystery.

Yeah, but this is going to be a quick one.

This lady says her dog doesn't like her new boyfriend.

Trust me, we'll be in and out,

and even if we don't solve it

it doesn't matter, because it's a stupid mystery.

Thanks for coming. We thought you might think this was a stupid mystery.

Oh, there's no such thing as a stupid mystery, sir.

(CHUCKLES)

Can I get anyone anything?

I'll take some Rice-A-Roni.

Oh, uh, I'm not sure if we have that.

I'll bet you do. It's the San Francisco treat.

Let's all look.

So, Phillip,

your girlfriend's dog doesn't like you?

That's putting it mildly.

I can't even be in the same room with him.

Lydia took the little bastard out for a walk

so I could at least talk to you in peace.

How is the dog with Lydia?

Oh, Max loves Lydia, he follows her everywhere.

(BLEEP) it. Make me some gazpacho.

This is a stupid mystery.

(DOOR OPENING)

(BARKING AND GROWLING)

God damn it. See?

Max, no.

-(CONTINUES BARKING) -No, Max, no.

I'm going to go upstairs.

We appreciate you coming.

You know, we met dog trainers, pet therapists, nothing works.

And Phillip's the sweetest man in the world.

It just doesn't make any sense why Max doesn't like him.

Do you think that when you're not around

maybe Phillip puts weird objects up Max's little butthole?

Oh, my God.

What? That would account for the hostility.

I'm going to make myself some Rice-A-Roni.

-(GASPS) -Does anyone want some?

You have to have it while you're in San Francisco.

MIKE: The pantry!

It's written in the city charter.

I don't mean to be insensitive,

but have you considered finding Max another home?

I could never part with Max.

He came into my life when I needed him the most.

You see, I was married before.

Andrew.

But he died tragically.

You best stir that, Lydia.

Oh, right.

(BARKS)

Then this little guy showed up on my doorstep

when I was at my lowest.

He was like a gift from heaven.

And now I've met Phillip and I'm finally in love again.

I just don't know what to do.

I know what you could do.

You could fluff that rice

and then maybe get started on the main course.

I think Phillip is making some gazpacho

so we're gonna have plenty of sides.

You know what, Phillip?

Don't offer to make gazpacho

if you're not going to make gazpacho, all right?

Did anyone notice what I noticed?

Yeah, that Lydia has got a real pair of (BLEEP) sucking lips.

-No. -No?

-No. -Oh, okay.

No, that that photo of Andrew looked an awful lot like Max.

The dog? Well, wait, what are you saying?

I believe that Andrew missed Lydia so much

he found a way to be reincarnated.

She said it herself.

She said the dog was sent from heaven.

(GASPS) So that would explain

why he hates her new boyfriend.

Where the (BLEEP) is the Mystery Mobile? This is where we parked.

(SIRENS WAILING)

You know what, I think this was a happy accident.

Yeah, maybe not for whoever

just got put in that ambulance.

Because now we get to ride in the cable car.

-(BELL RINGS) -Ooh, feel that wind!

That's why they call it the Windy City.

Dad, be careful.

Who's the parent here, Yung?

Ooh. Can we get some ice cream later?

You already had dessert.

So, now what do we do?

Do we tell Lydia that her dog is her late husband?

Not yet.

I want to be sure. I have a friend, Brianna.

She's in my spin class, she's a medium.

She knows all about the afterlife

and is able to communicate with the spirit world.

I thought you could communicate with the spirit world.

Well, I can,

but it's hard

and I have to, like, scrunch my face to concentrate

and my brow lines are getting so deep.

And then I'd have to get fillers...

Then I get filler face.

You know what? I'd rather just call Brianna.

Pigeon, give me your phone.

Oh, what a pretty screensaver.

What is that, an orchid?

It's Lydia's vagina.

I snagged an up-skirt before we left.

-My God! -Yeah, I know.

These Bay Area hippies. (LAUGHS)

They don't wear underwear, I guess.

Okay...

Brianna? (SQUEALS) It's Marquess.

Hey, girl.

MIKE: Oh, whoa!

Dad!

(GASPS) Get out, what are you doing in San Francisco?

MIKE: I'm okay, I'm catching up with you soon.

What! (GASPS) Brianna.

I thought you broke up with him.

(CHUCKLES) So, where are you?

MARQUESS: Oh, my God. I think we're near the Wharf!

(LAUGHS) Love it. Cocktail hour.

See you soon. She's here!

In your face, Yung.

Mmm, so good.

Oh, whoa!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

I don't think it was very responsible of you to drink so much.

We still have to solve a mystery.

Oh, please.

I had two mojitos.

Oh, and we both took Ecstasy.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

MARQUESS: You are so bad!

BRIANNA: You're bad!

BRIANNA: Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm, is that right?

Well, that's interesting.

Okay, tell me more about that.

Oh, I see, wow. Uh-huh.

Now that's a real wow.

Uh-huh. Ooh.

Okay, okay.

No, I get it, I hear you.

And I get it.

Marquess, uh, can I talk to you

and the mystery team privately please?

We'll wait in the kitchen.

Let us know if you need anything.

I can go for some chicken salad with some almonds.

But not big almonds. Just some almond slivers.

Or maybe some big almonds, too.

Well, Marquess is right.

This is definitely her late husband Andrew

reincarnated as a dog.

(GASPS) I knew it.

I mean, I had a gut feeling and I was right.

Hey, will you (BLEEP) stop?

If you're gonna rub me this hard, at least whack me off.

But there is more to the story.

Andrew didn't just die.

-He was murdered. -(ALL GASP)

But there's more to the story.

He was murdered by Phillip!

(ALL GASP)

No, but there's more to the story!

No, actually... Actually, that was it.

(GASPS)

So that's why he came back.

To protect his wife from a vicious murderer.

But how do we convince Lydia that Phillip murdered Andrew?

We don't. Andrew will tell her.

Marquess will turn him back into a man.

You can do that, Marquess?

Uh, well... Well, I can.

But as I said to Yung, these things require...

(SIGHS) A great deal of effort.

Oh, well, in that case don't do it. Asshole.

Fine, fine.

(SIGHS)

Mmm, on the count of three, regain your human form,

one, two, three.

Okay, that should happen in about 10 seconds.

PIGEON: Oh, wow! Marquess, are you okay?

Do you need to lie down?

(SCOFFS) Drama queen.

I'm back.

Yeah, I can't find any almonds,

do you mind pecans or...

Who are you?

Well, I was Jim Bankerd

and then I had a heart attack and died

and I came back as your dog.

And now I guess I'm Jim Bankerd again.

I mean that's what I was telling her.

I thought she understood.

I've had a lot of Ecstasy.

Like, way more than the recommended amount.

-Here you go. -What the hell is this?

Chicken salad.

Well, I just assumed you'd put it on a baguette

or some sourdough.

I mean, even a lettuce wrap.

You just hand me a bowl?

Who's this?

-This was our dog. -What?

Don't "what" me, you son of a bitch!

But if you weren't Lydia's late husband,

why do you hate Phillip so much?

-Tell her. -I don't know what you're talking about.

Whenever you weren't here,

this piece of garbage would put weird things in my butthole.

(BLEEP) Deviant piece of shit.

Matches, pens, guitar picks, his (BLEEP) thumbs.

And he didn't do just stuff to me.

This guy is crazy.

I saw him ejaculate on your toothbrush.

(STAMMERING) Well, that's not crazy.

What is wrong with you?

-Lydia... -Get out!

I never want to see you again.

(SIGHS)

This might sound crazy,

but would you like to have dinner with me?

I'd like that very much, Max.

I mean Jim.

Well, that was a stupid mystery.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: Mike, do you guys have a family dog?

No.

MAN: Why not?

Because my children believe they are allergic to dogs.

MAN: Are they allergic to dogs?

No, they're not.