Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

We're here.

-Hey, wake up. -(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, man, did you vomit in my car?

(GROANS) What?

DRIVER: Did you vomit in my car, mother (BLEEP)?

PIGEON: I don't... What? DRIVER: Get the (BLEEP) out of my car, mother (BLEEP)!

PIGEON: Okay, okay.

-Get out! -Okay!

-Just give me a (BLEEP) second. -Get out!

-PIGEON: Give me a (BLEEP) second! -(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

Oh, no.

Oh, I don't feel so good. (GAGS)

-Hey, don't you throw up again. -(GRUNTS)

Oh, I'm not going to throw...

I'm not going to, don't worry.

Oh, just let me...

Ah, oh yeah!

-(PIGEON SIGHS) -(BLEEP) damn it, you (BLEEP) piece of (BLEEP)!

-Get out! -Okay, okay, I'm out! Okay?

Okay.

-(KEYS JANGLING) -PIGEON: Oh, son of a bitch!

Come on, man!

-(BLEEP) -(DOOR UNLOCKING)

-(ALARM RINGING) -Ah, (BLEEP) damn it!

(STRAINING)

Okay.

-Okay, what the hell is his birthday anyways? -(KEYPAD BEEPS)

(BUZZES)

-(ALARM BLARING) -Mother (BLEEP).

Oh...(SIGHS)

(THUDS)

(DOOR OPENS)

MIKE: Whoever broke into my house,

you just made the worst mistake of your mother (BLEEP) life.

Who's in the house? Dad, what's going on?

It's just Pigeon.

Yung, what the (BLEEP) is my birthday?

June 30th!

No, in computer.

0-6-3-0.

(KEYPAD BEEPS)

-(ALARM TURNS OFF) -MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS) What is going on?

-No, it's okay. It was just Pigeon. -Oh.

Marquess, is everything okay?

Yes, Daniel, everything's fine.

Everyone, you remember Daniel, my, um...

My friend.

(MARQUESS CLEARS THROAT)

Okay. Daniel, yeah, you can go back to bed.

I mean, you know.

(CHUCKLES) I mean, you... To sleep on the couch, the one that's in my room,

the one that you fell asleep on,

you know, when we were just, um...

Playing, uh...

Mmm, poker?

Yeah, we were playing poker and, um. Oh, it got late, and, um...

He fell asleep on the couch that's in my room.

Oh, my God! What happened to him?

VETERINARIAN: Okay, here's the deal.

We've cleaned the bird up, we've noticed a lot of lacerations,

one would require stitches to close, but the, um...

The larger issue is the broken wing.

The radius was shattered and the ulna has two fractures in it.

Now, I can set the bone and put what is essentially a cast on the wing,

and there's a decent chance at a full recovery.

But that is going to run you about $650.

-So, most people just elect to euthanize the animal. -(GASPS)

Which I'm happy to do. It's your choice.

You know, a family dog, obviously, people would say that's worth it,

but, I mean, this is just a pigeon, so...

All right, if you say so.

-Go ahead and put him down. -Michael!

-That's free, right? -Dad!

What? Everybody says I spend money foolishly,

and this guy says it costs 650 bucks.

It's not worth it, unless it's a dog or something, shit.

No, we'll pay.

Oh, okay. Uh, let me go stop Kelly then.

VETERINARIAN: Kelly!

How are you feeling?

The doctor said you're going to make a full recovery.

No, he said there's a chance.

What happened?

I don't want to talk about this.

All right, we respect your...

Okay, I'll tell you about it. Here's what happened.

I answered an ad on Craigslist.

"Casual encounters," "woman for man,"

subject, "Large Labia Lovers Only."

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it got my attention too.

"Bring cash," it said. Obviously, a whore.

But I love large labias so, what was I supposed to do?

So, I got a room at a shitty motel, got real drunk.

I hear a knock at the door, I open it.

And what do you know, huh? A big guy,

thick Russian accent standing there.

(IMITATES RUSSIAN ACCENT) "Give me your money."

(NORMAL VOICE) Then he stepped on me

with his dumb (BLEEP) fake cowboy boots.

He beat the shit out of me. He took my money.

Thankfully he didn't see my cell phone so, I could call a ride home.

Oh, hell, I've got to give that driver no stars.

(CHUCKLES)

(IMITATES DRIVER) "Don't throw up in my car."

(BLEEP) you!

But anyways, (STAMMERS) I really don't want to talk about it.

Okay, Pigeon. But whenever you're ready to tell us what happened to you

we'll be right here for you.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"I was gonna transfer all of my old home movies onto a DVD

"but the guy at the computer store told me

"I should just put them all on the cloud.

"I'm very confused.

"Also, I think I already have the cloud,

"but I forgot my password, I think.

"God Bless, Thomas Hollinger."

"God bless"?

Ooh, this sounds like a good one. To the Mystery Mobile!

You guys have fun.

What? Why are you not going?

I'm still recovering.

Mmm! Ah, yeah!

(GASPS) Pigeon! It's been six months!

You're fully recovered, and you need to stop taking those pain pills.

(SIGHS) I'm in pain, asshole.

That's because you haven't done anything the doctor said.

You're supposed to be using your wing.

I use my wing plenty, no thanks to any of you.

Well, except for Marquess.

Marquess was the only one who would jack me off with any regularity.

And I thank you, Marquess.

No! Ew! No! No!

I think Yung's point was you need to be doing some kind of physical therapy.

You know, Daniel is a healer.

Who the (BLEEP) is Daniel?

What? Daniel is my boy...

Poker buddy. My poker buddy.

And he's very gifted and has helped a lot of people.

You should go see him.

Let me think about it... No.

-(CHUCKLES) -Do it, Pigeon.

Or come with us and help solve the mystery of the home video.

Criminy, that's the choice?

They ought to give people when they want to go to rehab,

you'd cure drug addiction overnight in this country.

Mystery of the home videos...

(BLEEPING)

(SIGHS) All right. Give me your boy...

I mean your poker buddy's number.

Hey, Pigeon. Where you at? You home?

Yeah, yeah, I'm home.

And not just physically, I'm emotionally home.

Ha! Like, for the first time in my life, everything feels...

(SIGHS) Congruous.

(CHUCKLES) Does that make any sense?

Cool, cool. Okay. I need you to go over to the computer,

and see if you can get this guy's home video up on the cloud.

I'm going to send you a link and you click on to the link.

Tell me when you're there. We're at this guy's house

way up in the Ruby Mountains and there's like no reception,

so if we lose you, just call back.

But I'll probably won't be able to pick up because there's no reception.

You there yet?

Yeah, I'm here.

-MIKE: You see the cloud? -Uh, yes.

-You see all the videos on the cloud? -PIGEON: Yes.

MIKE: Okay, click on one and make sure it's working.

I don't trust the cloud. You know why? Because I don't understand the cloud.

It's like everybody made fun of Warren Buffett

because he didn't invest in those damn dot-com companies.

Everybody was making all that money,

and he said it's because he didn't understand

those dot-com companies. And he didn't understand why

they were valued so high, so he didn't invest.

But nobody was laughing when the dot-com company crash happened.

Nobody but Warren Buffett.

So, (BLEEP) that cloud.

Until I understand that cloud, I'm going to stay off that cloud.

Uh, Mike...

It's like what happened in the dot-com crash.

You ever heard of Warren Buffett?

Let me tell you a story about Warren Buffett.

Mike, you have got to get out of that house.

MIKE: What did you say? Get out of my blouse?

Take off my blouse? (BLEEP), Pigeon,

it's not that kind of phone call, man.

You're a sex addict.

Oh, for God's sakes, get out of there!

Hello? Hello? Hello?

(DIALING)

(LING RINGING)

-MIKE: (OVER PHONE) Hello? -Mike! Mike, can you hear me?

You have to get out of that house!

-MIKE: Hello? -Mike, the guy is a murderer!

MIKE: Got you! Now leave a message before I knock you out.

-(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) -(PIGEON SIGHS)

Ruby Mountain Sheriff's Office.

-(TELEPHONE RINGS) -Ruby Mountain Sheriff's Office,

Deputy Bainbridge talking.

PIGEON: (OVER PHONE) Yeah. Yeah, listen.

You got a guy named Thomas Hollinger who lives up in those mountains.

DEPUTY BAINBRIDGE: Oh, yeah. He's that creepy fellow

that lives way up at the tippy top of the mountain.

Well, you've got to get up there

because he's about to murder a bunch of people.

Well if that's true, and I'm not saying it's not,

it'd take us about six hours to get up there.

PIGEON: Six hours?

Well, with all them twisty-turny roads...

Of course, it's only about 15 minutes as the crow flies.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHS)

Okay, (BLEEP) it. Worse comes to worse, I commit suicide.

(SCREAMING)

Oh!

Oh, my God! I'm flying!

I'm free!

(INDISTINCT TALKING OVER RADIO)

(SIREN BLARING)

You saved our lives, Pigeon.

Now let's get the (BLEEP) out of here.

Aren't you coming?

(LAUGHS) You know, the old me would make a joke about ejaculating.

But the new me, the one who's mind and body are in harmony,

will just answer the question.

No, I am not coming...

In the van.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, God, that already sounds like an ejaculation joke.

No, no, no. I'm not getting in the van with you

because I'm flying!

I'll see you back at the house.

Hey, I love you guys!

I wonder if Pigeon sees that red-tail hawk flying towards him?

(HAWK SCREECHES)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

$825?

Then I think maybe this time we just put him down.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

This is an awesome bird.

You're holding me too tight, man.

-Female, huh? -What?