Original subtitles

TOM: And I mean none of us would be standing here today under this hot sun

if it were not for the tireless, dogged work

of your mayor and mine, Casa Grande's own,

Mayor Joe Schaeffer.

-Joe, get on up here. -(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, Tom.

Now, we are here today to celebrate the opening

of this beautiful museum dedicated to the history of our local mining industry.

An industry without which, I dare say

Casa Grande would not be

one of the 25 best places to do business in the Southwest

according to Tickler's Business Insider.

Nor one of the top 500 places to raise a family in the Western United States

according to Reddit.

So, without further ado...

BOTH: The Casa Grande Museum

TOM: of Mining History MAYOR: of the History of Mining

BOTH: is now open.

Uh-oh.

(CHUCKLING) Let's try that again.

Now, it's open.

The material just sort of bunching up in there.

Let me just... Let me hold it taut.

It's these novelty scissors, they don't have any edge.

(WHISPERS) What do we do?

(WHISPERS) I don't know.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Yo, Mike.

Deezy, what the (BLEEP) are you doing here?

You know I don't like when people just pop in, man.

Why didn't you (BLEEP) call?

I did, but it kept going to voicemail.

What? Oh damn, my battery's dead.

I bet I know how that happened.

I was watching a bunch of videos, man.

You seen the one where this guy was blowing out the birthday candles

and then it blew his face off?

No, no I didn't see that one.

Oh, man, it's so (BLEEP) funny, man.

I'm gonna text it to you, man.

Oh damn, my battery's dead. How the (BLEEP) did that happen?

It's cool, it's cool, don't worry about it. Just text me it later.

I do want to see it. Sounds funny.

Now, Mike. I have something I gotta talk to you about.

What's going on Deezy? You sound serious.

Are you dropping me as a client?

You better rearrange your thoughts mother (BLEEP).

I'll drop you as my agent. You're a shitty agent.

I'm gonna kick your ass right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mike, Mike. Breathe, breathe.

-I'm not dropping you as a client. -Okay, what's up?

Um, I was just wondering how you would feel about an internship program.

Mmm. I might really like that.

Depends on where the internship is.

But I could definitely go for a change of career.

I mean, man, solving mysteries is stressing me out.

It's like, "What... What am I doing with my life?"

You know, "Who the (BLEEP) are these people on my team?"

I don't really like any of these people.

We don't have anything in common. Like interests.

Like, I'm into video games and (BLEEP) you know?

Like, if you got me into an internship with Xbox or some shit,

that could be good.

Just play video games all day,

and just get paid for it. I like that.

No, no, no, no, Mike. You wouldn't be the intern.

I'm talking about someone being an intern for you.

Okay, that sounds good.

Viennetta! He says, "Sounds good"!

-Who the (BLEEP) is that? -That's my niece.

She just graduated from community college,

and she's out here figuring out what she wants to do.

Nice to meet you. My name's Viennetta, like the ice cream.

My name is Mike Tyson like the heavyweight champion of the world, Mike Tyson.

Um, Dad. Sorry to interrupt but we have a new mystery.

Ooh, perfect timing. Now remember what I told you, Viennetta.

Keep your eyes and ears open.

Keep your head on a swivel, but keep your feet on the ground.

Open your heart and your mind, and there's nowhere you imagination can't take you.

Okay, I gotta go. The tint is bubbling on my (BLEEP) rear windshield.

Gotta get that smoothed out.

You are what you drive. Remember that, Viennetta.

(ENGINE STARTING)

So, Viennetta,

have you always been interested in mysteries?

Oh, I'm not interested in mysteries.

But my uncle said this would be a good back-up plan.

PIGEON: Well, your uncle is a very smart fellow.

To get you an internship at a thing that is not a company,

where no one makes any money, but every once in a while you might get killed

due to the gross incompetence of your completely unqualified colleagues.

-(CHUCKLES) -(MARQUESS GRUMBLING)

Are you done? Because we can wait until you're done.

No, I'm done.

Great. Now, Viennetta...

Oh, one more thing.

-What? -Jesus, calm down.

No. You always do this, Pigeon. You always do this.

Just say it.

Well, now I've forgotten what I was gonna say because you shrieked at me.

You are driving me (BLEEP) insane.

(BLEEP) insane.

I'm so sorry, Viennetta.

(LAUGHING)

So, um, what career are you interested in?

Well, my mom and my pastor always told me I should be a model.

So, that's what I really came out here to do.

Ooh. Ah. You know, I did some modeling back in my day.

Yeah. I was a life model for a few of my painter friends.

Manet, Courbet, Rousseau. Ah, I did 'em all.

Yeah, I'm sure you did, you dead queen.

Oh, you know what? You know what?

Anyways. Viennetta, have you had any luck yet?

Not yet. My uncle took me to a bunch of modeling agencies,

except it turns out all the modeling agencies in Las Vegas

are actually escort agencies.

So, I didn't really get any good photos for my portfolio.

PIGEON: Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Hey, this one of you holding this older man's penis is all right.

Maybe not for high fashion, but for like, you know, medium to lower fashion.

It seems okay.

I feel like we're losing the crowd here.

When do we send the pigeon?

-Monday. -(GROANS)

It's Wednesday.

-It's Thursday. -That's even worse then.

Hold it, Joe. What is that?

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

-Was that him? -I think so.

African-American gentleman.

Thought I saw a tattoo on the face, but he was really movin'.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

No, he's coming back.

Hmm, maybe he's gonna get food for all of us.

(HAND BRAKE CRANKS)

Dad, shouldn't we help them, and then you can eat?

Yung, I gotta take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else.

It's like when you're on a plane and all the oxygen masks fall down,

I gotta get my mask on myself before some other mother (BLEEP) takes all the masks.

He's coming. Now get ready, everybody.

MAYOR: Some of you may have been wondering,

"What is the hold up here?"

"When am I going to get to enter

"the Casa Grande Museum of the History of Mining Museum?"

-Well, your wait is over. -(SLURPING)

-Hey, man, is this the ribbon? -Yes, sir.

And those big mother (BLEEP) scissors didn't work?

Uh, no, sir. They just pinch up on the fabric.

MIKE: Does anybody got like, a pocket knife with scissors on it?

MAYOR: Oh, you know, I have mine right here. TOM: Well, I think...

Oh, I just need one.

The Casa Grande Natural History Museum of Mining and Mining History is now

open

for

business.

-MAYOR: Hey! -(CROWD CHEERING)

Huh. My God.

Who on Earth would buy any of this?

How much for that big-ass mine clock?

-Oh, that's $2,800. -Only? Wrap that (BLEEP) up.

Well, there you go.

And do you frame these posters?

I want that one with all those famous miners on it.

Yung, give the man my credit card.

Hey, you got my lip balm in there?

Thank you. It's dry as a mother (BLEEP)

in Casa Grande, Arizona Museum of Mining History Museum.

Ooh, can I have a quarter? They have a gumball machine.

-Dad, you just had a milkshake. -Please!

-(VIENNETTA SCREAMING) -Viennetta!

MIKE: What the (BLEEP) is that hole?

That's one of the many abandoned mines that dot the landscape of Casa Grande.

Hence, the museum. To preserve the heritage of this land.

(EXCLAIMS) Shouldn't it be fenced off or at least marked?

A young woman has fallen in there.

We weren't ready to open. We weren't, Joe, but you rushed us!

You said the ribbon cutting is unmovable.

Those were your words, Joe. I'm taking you down.

I'm exposing you.

The (BLEEP) you will, Tom.

(SCREAMING)

(THUDS)

-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -(MAYOR GASPS)

Oh, hey, Deezy. What's up?

DEEZY: (ON PHONE) Not much. What's up with you?

-Not much. -So, how's Viennetta working out?

You there, Mike? Put me on to Viennetta.

(HUMMING THEME MUSIC)

Michael, what on Earth are you doing?

I'm trying to end it. I just want it all to be over.

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

Michael. Michael.

Michael, we have to do something.

Snap out of it!

Michael, snap out of it!

Thank you, Marquess.

But don't you ever (BLEEP) slap me again,

or I'll knock you back to wherever the (BLEEP) you came from,

you (BLEEP) rat.

Okay. Think, Mike. Think, Mike. Think, Mike.

Rat? Do I look like a rat to you?

I was a model...

-(GASPS) Michael! -Dad!

(THUDS)

Viennetta, are you okay?

I think so.

Where's that other dude?

Do you think he's okay?

If we ever get out of here, I'm not gonna let anything stand between me and my dream.

No more back-up plans for me.

That's an amazing story.

I would have been so terribly disappointed

if I never found out how you got out of that mine.

Now, let's have a look at your resume, shall we?

Graduated from St. Louis Community College.

Interned at Mike Tyson Mysteries, impressive.

And do you have a portfolio?

Uh-huh. Yes, ma'am.

Hmm.

And who is this older man?

Oh, I didn't get his name.

Well, I think I've seen all I need to see.

Lauren, will you let Andre know we've just found our September cover model?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)