Original subtitles

EMCEE: And now, for our final weigh-in.

Let's give it up for Fred Gandy!

Let's see what you got in there, Fred.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

EMCEE: Five pounds, one ounce!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Five pounds, three ounces!

Five pounds, seven ounces!

Five pounds, nine ounces!

Are you kiddin' me?

Six pounds, three ounces!

Fred Gandy, your four-day total

is a Sam Rayburn Reservoir record of 76 pounds, five ounces!

FRED: Yes!

Whoo!

Cheater, cheater!

He's a big, fat cheater.

There's only one big, fat fisherman I see,

and it's you, Bill Van Bibber.

Oh, (BLEEP) you, Fred. Just (BLEEP) yourself.

You're not half the angler I am.

There's no way you caught all those giant fish without doin' something sneaky,

you slithery old snake.

Why don't you hit those S's a little harder there, Bill.

You sound like a beach ball with a hole in it.

(HISSING)

-(GASPS) Ooh. -Ooh?

Yeah, I said, "Ooh," 'cause I'm comin' to get you.

-Easy there! -You're not gonna get away with this.

I'm gonna solve this mystery.

I'm quakin' in my boots, Agatha Christie.

(GASPS) I'm gonna get you bad. Get your hands off me!

Now, what is your purse doin' in this aisle.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: It's that time of year again,

the Sam Rayburn Reservoir Professional Bass Fishing Invitational.

Coverage begins Thursday

right here on the Outdoor Sporting Lifestyle Network,

Channel 755.

You, uh, fishin' in it this year, Bill?

Why the hell wouldn't I, Lindsay?

Well, everyone seems to think it's Fred Gandy what's gonna come away with it.

You mean Fred Cheater?

Yeah, that's right, I said it.

Say, you ever solve that old mystery

of how he done caught all them fish what was in his bag?

No.

I guess I'm just not a mystery solver.

MIKE: Hey! Do you have a mystery that you're needing to solve?

Hi, I'm Mike Tyson, former heavyweight champion of the world.

If you need me to solve your mystery,

simply write down your mystery on a small piece of paper,

then attach that paper to a pigeon,

then let that pigeon fly to my house,

then I will read your paper,

and then, before you know it, mystery solved.

It's as simple as one, two, three...

Four, five.

So, what are you waiting for?

Get up off the canvas and get back into the ring of your life.

Don't get knocked down by your mysteries,

get knocked up, by me, solving your mysteries.

Don't delay. Offer ends soon.

It's as simple as one, two, three, four.

Lindsay, I just got a great idea.

I think we should frost this little tip right here,

because this country bumpkin is goin' to the big city

to find himself a pigeon.

(BLEEP) it. Let's do the whole front.

YUNG HEE: Thank you.

-What is that? -I don't know.

-Pigeon, did you order something? -No.

Ugh. Rude.

-Ugh! -(GASPS)

MARQUESS: Oh, my God.

Oh, shit. Pigeon is dead?

Hmm. What do we do with him?

-Dad... -I don't think you're supposed to bury them

because they can get ants or maggots or something like that.

-Dad. -We could burn him.

Or flush him down the toilet.

But I don't think he'll fit.

I guess we could always cut him up into little pieces,

but if you're gonna do that, you might as well just burn him.

Jesus Christ, I'm right here.

Oh! Well, then who's this?

BILL: Well, Lufkin is a small town,

and we just don't have many pigeons,

so I had gone to Dallas and I captured one.

Can you believe it?

Next to a dumpster behind the 76 station and I got him in my car.

I just put him on the seat there in the back

and he was just still, you know?

And we just drove around in silence for a while.

And I had about forgot about him when, out of nowhere,

he flapped up in the front seat and I damn near crashed my car.

And I guess I must have just backhanded him a little bit,

but his little neck must have just broken.

I felt bad about it.

But, you know, you had stated in your commercial

to send you a pigeon with a note,

and I didn't know if you needed the pigeon for technical reasons,

or paperwork, or what have you,

because I don't know how it works,

so I went into the box-and-ship place

and they suggested that refrigerated packaging,

so that there'd be no spoilage.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Oh. Okay.

Well, would you like me to say it again?

No, I was just letting everyone know that I'm not interested in any of this.

Well, well, well.

Isn't this a motley crew?

Get your ass outta here, Fred.

Nobody wants you here.

Oh, hi, Fred! So good to see you.

Sit wherever you like. Everybody, Fred's here!

MAN 1: Oh, hey there, Fred! MAN 2: Hey, Fred!

(INDISTINCT GREETINGS)

MAN 3: God bless you!

Well, we don't want you here.

Hey, Fred, it's a pleasure to meet you.

You wanna join us for lunch?

Thank you. No, I don't.

I wanna get some casting in before the tournament starts tomorrow,

so I'm pickin' up a chef's salad to eat on the boat.

Dressing on the side, fatty.

I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you, Fred.

This is the Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

and they're gonna be on their own boat tomorrow keepin' an eye on you.

So you better watch the (BLEEP) out.

Bill, language. There are children right behind you.

You stupid, stupid asshole.

Sir, did you get all that?

-I just went over a lot of safety information. -(ENGINE STARTS)

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.

-Anchors aweigh, mother(BLEEP)! -(MARQUESS GASPS)

-BILL: What the hell do you think you're doing? -Wha...

FRED: My Lord!

Bill Van Bibber, you just about scared the wizards outta me.

What is that you've got there?

I knew you were up to somethin'. I knew it.

(STUTTERING) What are you even talkin' about?

-I use this to check how deep the water is. -Oh, bull crap!

I don't know what that thing does,

but you use it to cheat, and it's over.

What are you doin'?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I'm reporting you.

Your little party is over.

This is Bill Van Bibber, and I'm on the south side of the lake,

up near Big Beaver Hall.

FRED: I said put that down.

You never said, "Put that down."

Well, I thought it.

And now I'm sayin' it.

Now, put that... Hold on.

Well... Stay on your own boat.

-Don't move, 'cause you're rockin' the boat. -Well, I'm not...

Why would I want you to be on my boat?

It doesn't matter what you want 'cause I'm the one with the sword.

You'd kill me over fish?

(ENGING REVVING IN DISTANCE)

What kind of maniac would be drivin' a boat flat-out in this kind of fog?

(BOTH GROAN)

Dad, you hit somebody!

MARQUESS: Michael! YUNG HEE: Dad, stop!

MARQUESS: You have to turn around!

No way! I think I told the guy I did not want the insurance.

This didn't happen.

Nothing happened. I'm (BLEEP) killing all of you.

I'm serious, I'm (BLEEP) panickin'!

-Anchors aweigh! -Dad!

(SCREAMING)

Let me, uh, know if you guys need any help.

(PANTING)

(BILL GRUNTING)

Fred Gandy?

Fred Gandy, you saved my life.

(FRED GRUNTING)

Oh, God, Fred.

(GROANING)

No, that's... It's gonna be fine.

It's go... Well.

It might not be perfect.

No.

(GROANING) Listen to me.

I'm gonna call someone. I'm gonna call someone. You're fine.

Shut your mouth and listen to me.

You were right.

-I cheated. -Well, I...

I don't care about that anymore.

-I gotta get you help. -No.

I need you to take that sword,

find a quiet place in the lake,

and throw it in.

Well, why do you want me to do that?

Just do what I say!

(GROANS) Please, Bill.

(SIGHS)

I love you, Fred.

(SIGHS)

I love you too, Bill.

I always have.

-We should have (BLEEP). -What?

We should have (BLEEP) each other.

I bet if we'd got that out of our system,

we would have been closer.

Or maybe not. Maybe it would have been awful.

Well, I'm gonna take the sword to some quiet place in the lake,

just like you said, okay?

Maybe Three Wiener Cove.

Right where the three wieners come together.

Oh, Fred...

The Lady of the Lake.

Then this sword is Excalibur.

It all makes sense now. All of it.

Fred?

Fred Gandy?

(YELLING) You're right, Fred. We should have (BLEEP).

Thanks again for picking me up.

You can just drop me off anywhere'd be good.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHISPERING) I think they're biting.

I think they're biting.

Yeah, I feel a little tug there.