Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHEELS SQUEAKING)

Okay!

Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

are you ready to see your renovated home?

Yes!

MARQUESS: Okay!

With the money from the fire insurance,

I was able to give you an open-concept living room.

I added a half-bath, and I was even able to convert the garage

into the dance studio you've always wanted!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

So! Are you guys ready to see the big reveal?

Oh, for Godsakes, I've had to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes.

Please, Marquess, hurry!

Oh, no, I can't hold it any longer!

Oh, God, I can't hold it. I have to go so bad. Oh, God...

I'm just kidding. I can shit wherever I want.

-MARQUESS: Ugh! -PIGEON: Aha! I'm going inside.

PIGEON: That's your big reveal? It looks the same.

What? No, it doesn't. Are you blind?

Oh. Just great. There goes my (BLEEP) reveal.

I spent $200 of my own money on this giant (BLEEP) scrim.

YUNG: So, what did you do that's different?

MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS) I changed... Uh! Oh, my God...

I changed the cathedral windows to bay windows.

Open your (BLEEP) eyes. You know what? I need a drink.

Oh, I love it, Marquess. Stainless steel appliances!

This island... Oh, my God.

I'm definitely gonna cook more now.

What? I didn't change anything in here.

-PIGEON: Where the (BLEEP) am I? -Pigeon?

It sounds like you're upstairs! But maybe also the basement?

Michael! We don't have a basement.

Oh, Marquess! That was on my wish list.

PIGEON: I mean, what the (BLEEP)?

Ooh! Definitely upstairs. That one gave it away.

"Oh, Marquess! The living room looks incredible."

"Oh, why, thank you!"

(GASPS) "Are those hand-stitched throw pillows?"

"Why, yes, they are! Thank you for noticing." Assholes.

PIGEON: You care to (BLEEP) explain this, Marquess?

Oh, finally! Someone gives a (BLEEP).

Yes. This is my favorite new addition. The wall of family photos!

We didn't have one before, and I truly think it's what makes a house a home.

Then where am I?

What? Huh? Oh, well, come on.

You're in one of these.

Let me just, um... Oh... No, okay...

Oh, oh! Here's one of you. At the beach!

Right next to Yung, playing in the sand.

That is a (BLEEP) seagull!

What?

Dad, is that you and George Bush?

MIKE: Oh, yeah, that was from my very first mystery.

Huh! I don't remember that.

Oh, that's because you were just a little girl.

I remember it like it was yesterday. (CHUCKLES)

Yesterday.

-Yesterday! -PIGEON: What are you doing?

Oh, I... I thought we were doing a flashback. We're not doing a flashback?

That was taken in the Oval Office.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

Yesterday, yesterday...

MARQUESS: Oh, so it works when Michael does it, but not...

MIKE: It was 2001.

A different time.

Everything was different back then.

-(LAUGHING) -MIKE: The way people dressed.

The way people talked.

The music, the hairstyles. It was all so...

Groovy.

Far out, man.

Oh! It looks like we've got our first mystery.

(GASPS) "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"the President of the United States, George W. Bush, requests your assistance.

"Signed 'Andrew Card, White House Chief of Staff'"!

The President needs our help. That's out of sight!

Come on, team! To the Mystery Mobile!

(EXCLAIMS)

Wait a second. So, I was just in the front seat?

No car seat or anything?

And what was I reading?

What? That's how I remember it. It was a long time ago.

Well, it wasn't that long ago.

Well, sometimes, you know, you gotta, um, embellish, you know?

Keep the audience interested.

So, where were we? We...

We... We, we, we...

We arrived at the White House,

and the Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, met us at the door.

Thanks for coming.

-Sir, how does this look? -What is this?

Are these the remarks for the President?

-Yes, sir. -Well, don't give them to me.

The State Department needs to sign off on this.

And hurry it up, or there's gonna be hell to pay.

McAfee! We need to find time for the President to go over the troop assessment

with Secretary Rumsfeld.

I'm on it. But, sir, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Not now, God damn it!

Ooh, McAfee, you just got Carded. Andrew Carded!

Did I get your name right?

(TURKEYS GOBBLING)

It's an honor to meet you, Mr. President, even though I didn't vote for you.

Aw, no! Mr. Tyson, this is Ed Beaver.

He's a turkey farmer.

His name is Beaver?

Please, everyone, sit down.

In light of the recent tragic events...

(DRAWER OPENING)

-Mr. Tyson? -Yes.

Perhaps you'd be more comfortable over here.

No, I'm good.

I'm sorry, Mr. Tyson, but that seat is typically reserved for the President.

Ooh, ooh. I'm sorry. Mr. Beaver, here you go.

PIGEON: Hey!

But as you know, Thanksgiving is just around the corner.

It seems like it comes sooner and sooner every year.

Yes, uh...

Well, every year, in a ceremony on the on the White House lawn,

the President grants one turkey a presidential pardon.

The President feels like he needs to get this one right.

The nation is in a very fragile state,

and they need their president to show a steady hand.

(TURKEYS GOBBLING)

So, you want us to pick a (BLEEP) turkey?

Fine. That one.

Or that one. Or that... Or any one, they're all the (BLEEP) same.

Why don't we let Yung pick?

Ooh, that's a good idea. Which one, honey? Which turkey you wanna save?

-This birdy! -MARQUESS: Aw!

Are you sure?

Jesus Christ.

Now, this is a very, very important decision, little boy.

Birdy!

We're going with the cream-colored one, Mr. President.

Let's get one quick photo. Mr. Tyson, could you come stand with the President?

The entire nation thanks you for your help in this matter, Michael.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

You know, Thriller was the first CD I ever bought.

Do you think I could get a picture...

Now, let's get Mr. Beaver and Mr. Tyson out of here, please.

Bitch.

(TURKEYS GOBBLING)

So, that was it?

That was it.

Well, who's this?

Huh? I don't know. You'll have to ask your father.

Michael, who is this?

I don't know who the (BLEEP) that is.

Pigeon, do you know who the (BLEEP) this is?

-No. -You know what?

I don't remember even hanging this picture.

My name is Abner Callmouth-Griegs.

And I am trapped between this world and the next,

a-swirl with evil and death, which is coming for you!

And there is no way to stop it.

It is all around you, the death, and the evil,

and the only hope, the only possible hope,

is that you enter this dimension at once!

I will open a passage between Heaven and Hell,

and you must pass through quickly. Now! Now! Now!

There's no time! You'll all die, do you hear me?

Run into the portal, or you'll all die!

What do we do?

Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, (BLEEP)! Oh, (BLEEP)!

Well, I guess I'll go jack off on the hand-stitched throw pillows.

(VOCALIZING)

(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Isn't this our house?

Oh, wait! I think I do know this dude.

He owned the house before us.

(CHILD CRYING)

(KNIVES SHARPENING)

On the other side of that door is a witch,

and at any moment, she will come in here and kill

my sweet Madeline and my poor little ones.

And then she'll cook them in a pot, and feed them to me!

And this unfathomable evil happens over and over again for eternity,

because the witch has power over time!

She uses a portal of her making, but I discovered how to use her portal.

And with it, I summoned you here!

I'm going to offer the witch a deal.

Leave me my Madeline, my little ones, and take you!

Wait! Why wouldn't you just leave here in it? In the portal?

Instead of bringing us here, why didn't you just use the portal to leave?

-What? -MARQUESS: Oh, my God...

-(CRASH) -(ALL SCREAMING)

ABNER: No, not again!

(SCREAMING)

MIKE: Oh, we getting the (BLEEP) out of here.

(SCREAMING)

(DOG BARKING)

I knew that was how that would work.

(END THEME MUSIC PLAYING)