Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

-How did the fire start? -God.

Pardon me?

It was a demon. He was on top of our house.

-A demon? -Yeah.

And then God came down from heaven

and struck him with lightning.

-God? -Why the (BEEP) am I telling you this?

Didn't you watch the last episode of season two?

That wasn't the last episode. We went to that farm.

Yeah, the house burned down

in the second to last episode.

I don't know when they air.

I mean, I don't even know when I live them.

Okay, have any of you been drinking

or taking drugs of any kind?

-No! -No.

I have. I did a little coke.

So, where are we going? A hotel?

No. We can't go to a hotel. My wallet was in the house.

Then where are we going to stay?

I'll call my agent.

-Deezy? -Yeah, my agent's name is Deezy.

And he's gonna let us stay with him.

(PHONE BEEPS, RINGS)

-DEEZY: Hello? -Hey Deezy. What's up, fool?

Listen man, we're coming over to your place, man.

We gotta live with you till we get a new house.

DEEZY: Of course, man.

Okay, cool. See you in around about five.

(BEEPS)

I wonder if he's got any extra toothbrushes.

Or some extra clothing.

And all the shit we're gonna need for the next month or so.

(KEYPAD BEEPING)

(RINGING)

-(BEEPING) -DEEZY: Hello?

Yo, it's us.

Oh, man, you guys must have been right around the corner.

Hey, let me buzz you in.

I'm on the sixth floor, right next to the elevator.

-(BEEPING) -(BUZZING)

-(KNOCKING) -DEEZY: Who is it?

What the (BEEP)? It's us, fool.

You just talked to us.

(LOCKS CLICKING)

(CHUCKLING) Oh, hey Mike. Come on in, everybody.

Welcome to the castle.

Oh shit. Close the door, Mike.

Furly will get out. He's fast.

Were you getting ready for bed?

What? Come on, man, it's 6:45.

The night is young. Possibilities are endless.

Then why are you in your pajamas?

Oh, that's 'cause I never left the house today.

I can conduct a lot of my business from home.

It's not unusual for me to go three, four days

without seeing another human being face-to-face.

(CHUCKLES) It happens.

Are you depressed?

Deezy...

Because this look like the apartment of a very depressed person.

What? Depressed?

What do I have to be depressed about?

-(LAUGHS) -What are you laughing at?

(BEEP) you, Pigeon.

(WHISPERING) Where are we supposed to sleep?

(WHISPERING) Oh, we are so not sleeping here.

Oh! Let me get you guys set up.

I didn't think I was going to be having company over.

Uh, the recycling bin was full, so, uh...

You know what? I can take that out in the morning.

Don't worry about it.

Uh, let me just get these out your way.

I'm just getting over a cold.

Still I got a little cough but it's... It's loose.

It's breaking up. (CLEARS THROAT)

Definitely not contagious.

Allergies, is what it is.

Oh, yeah. Sheets.

Gotta give everybody sheets.

Yeah, uh, can mine not have semen on it?

-(MEOWS) -Oh, hey! There you are, Furly.

I think... (SNIFFS)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are good.

-MARQUESS: Ew. -These are real good.

Here you go, ghost.

Mike, Pigeon.

Now, this carpet's real soft.

So, just find a place and claim it.

And of course, the lady can have my bed.

Um...

You know, that's fine. I'll just stand

-over here. -Furly. Whew!

That's my boy.

We've been through a lot together.

Right, Furly? He's like a brother to me.

He's my ride or die.

Oh, excuse me, everyone. My phone is ringing.

It's Deezy. I mean, shit, it's not Deezy.

But, uh, it's someone else, though.

I'm gonna take it outside. Okay, Deezy?

(STAMMERING) So, not to be rude.

It's a private call and no one should hear it.

Come on, everybody.

Everybody but Deezy.

Oh! You guys need towels.

I keep those in the bathroom.

'Cause I only got the one.

(FURLY MEOWS)

PIGEON: Well, at least you know Deezy's not stealing your money.

Dad, where are we gonna go?

Oh, Marquess. What about your boyfriend?

My what? No.

Are you talking about Daniel? No, he's a friend.

Right, but doesn't he sleep in your room sometimes?

Only when he's too drunk to drive home,

but that's just what friends do.

But don't you also (BEEP) him sometimes?

Okay, my God! Pigeon!

Spanish Inquisition much?

Damn! I didn't wanna have to do this.

But I guess we're gonna have to stay with my brother.

What? You have a brother?

Yeah. I never wanted you guys to meet him

because he's a (BEEP) nerd.

Like a big (BEEP) dork.

Like a geek.

And I'm embarrassed of him, all right?

(STAMMERING) Because I thought if you ever meet him,

you'd probably think I was a big (BEEP) dork, too.

But now that everybody knows my secret shame,

we should just go there. (BEEP) it.

Sleep in his (BEEP) Star Trek sheets, all right,

and his (BEEP) Star Wars bed.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

-Michael? -Hey, Neil.

Everyone, this is my brother, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neil deGrasse Tyson is your brother?

The astrophysicist?

This is the big (BEEP) nerd you're ashamed of?

Yeah. (SIGHS) Hey, Neil.

Can me and my mystery team live with you

for a little while, please?

Probably, for just, um, like, three, four months.

Maybe five. Twelve tops.

But it could be even closer to 18 months

or two years, you know? Please?

(SIGHS) Michael. I'm terribly sorry, but

I'm in the middle of writing an important essay

on multiple universes,

or the multiverse,

in which I explore how our own universe

is simply one of the countless bubbles

bursting force from the fabric of the cosmos.

You lost me after "Michael".

So, can we, uh, can we stay with you or not?

No. It's just not a good time.

It's 1:00 in the morning

and I'm hosting a brunch

for some fellow stargazers tomorrow.

Oh, my God, you're such a (BEEP) nerd.

Can't we just live with you, please?

You expect me to say yes?

We haven't spoken in over a decade.

Why did you two stop talking?

He knows why.

-(BELL RINGING) -(CROWD CHEERING)

Neil?

What the (BEEP) does that mean?

(CROWD CHEERS)

(BODY THUDS)

I was trying to be supportive.

You know what I should have done?

This!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Dad, now what are we gonna do?

I guess we'll sleep in the van.

PIGEON: Sleep in the van...

(SCOFFS) We should have just slept

in Deezy's semen-caked sheets.

(SHIVERING)

Damn, it's cold as (BEEP), man.

(SHIVERING)

If that asshole's not gonna let us sleep in his house,

the least he can do is let us sleep in his garage.

It's still (BEEP) freezing. Maybe I'll shut the door.

Maybe I just need a little white noise

from the engine purring.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Ah!

Sweet, sweet slumber, here I come.

Furly?

Where you at, little guy?

Furly?

Furly?

(FURLY PURRING)

(COUGHS)

(BEEPS)

(RINGING)

Furly! Cut this (BEEP)!

Oh, damn!

I should just go back to the apartment and get a can of tuna.

Furly will come right quick if he smells tuna.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

-(RINGING) -(MEOWING)

DEEZY: What up, Mike? Where you guys at?

(MEOWING)

Furly? Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

Wait. What are you doing with Mike?

Where are you guys?

What?

Slow down, Furly.

Wait a second. I can't speak to a (BEEP) cat.

But something's wrong.

I know it. I feel it in my bones.

Hmm...

What is that? That's a garbage truck.

On a Sunday morning?

The only place that has Sunday morning pickup

is Henderson, Nevada.

I remember it was a controversial referendum

they said would bankrupt the city.

Now, who do I know that lives in Henderson?

Oh, (BEEP)!

Mike's brother, the famous cosmetologist,

Neil Patrick Harris.

I'm coming, Furly!

Once again, I'm sorry to disturb you, Neil Patrick Harris.

That's really my bad.

And I'm sorry I made you explain it so many times.

Truly, I am. I mean, if I had just slowed down for a second,

I would have thought, "Different last name,

"different middle name, white not black."

And you're not even a cosmetologist.

Not at all.

-(MEOWS) -(DEEZY COUGHS)

Deezy, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

-I thought you guys were gonna stay with me. -PIGEON: What happened?

Well, we were

but when we saw your place,

we thought we could do better, but we can't.

So can we stay with you again?

Of course, Mike. My door is always open.

Really? Is that why you have no furniture?

We'll follow you back to your place.

This is gonna be so great, Furly.

Having all those people at our place.

Conversation flowing, socializing...

Maybe we'll finally have that game night we've been talking about.

Whoo! This is gonna be good.

(BREATH TREMBLING) Finally get me over this, um...

This little depression I've been...

I've been battling.

Dad, wait, isn't this your wallet?

Oh (BEEP), we had it the whole time.

(BEEP) it. Let's go to the Four Seasons.

I can feel the fog lifting already.

(MEOWING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, I bet you were surprised to find out

that my brother was Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Yeah, but he's not the only famous Tyson in our family.

No, he isn't.

By the way, Cicely Tyson, award-winning actress,

my great-great-aunt.

Oh, Tyson Beckford,

the Beau Brummell of his time.

Handsome, debonair, didactyl. My third cousin.

And this is my tallest cousin.

This is, um, Tyson Chandler.

He's seven foot.

And this is my great-great... Oh, my God,

my great-great-great- great-grandfather,

Tyson chicken.

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)