Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHIMPERS)

Well, mystery solved. Let's go team.

(SIRENS APPROACHING)

So, the sound they heard coming from their attic

really was a demon, huh?

MIKE: Yep, I think it was.

I definitely think that it was.

And so you thought you should just, uh,

burn their house to the ground?

Yeah, that seemed like the thing to do, you know,

to get the demon.

PIGEON: Yeah, I mean, yeah, if there was a demon.

MIKE: Yeah, it was definitely a demon in there.

I'm pretty sure of that.

That poor old couple.

You could've at least offered to take them to a hotel or something.

PIGEON: Way to go, guys. Great job.

-You were a big help. -What?

I thought you said, "Stay inside the van."

You didn't say, "Stay inside the van,"

you said, "Stay inside the van."

But, you know, we got this,

don't worry about it, that kind of thing.

-No. -That is so weird.

I remember I was about to get out and go in there,

participate in that mystery,

and then I could swear you said,

"Pigeon, why don't you hang out in the van?

"And we'll go in this house, see what's going on,

"and we'll call you if we need anything."

You're saying that you didn't say any of that.

You know I didn't say any of that.

Hey, everybody, do you know what mystery that was?

That was our hundredth mystery.

-What? -We have not solved a hundred mysteries.

Not solved but attempted.

This is cause for a celebration.

Hey, let's go to Remaldos.

-Oh, please. No. No. -Oh, not Remaldos.

Wait, is that the Mexican restaurant

where all the waiters are white college kids?

It's always a good sign,

when you're gonna sit down to some Mexican food

and the person taking your order keeps asking if you want

an order of "guaca-mole" for the table.

You know it, Pigeon, they got that good guaca-mole there.

Can I get anyone anything to drink?

-Iced tea for me. -Me too, iced tea.

I thought we were celebrating.

Lucky diamond light and a tequila shot on the side.

-Any tequila? -Any tequila.

-And you, sir? -Do you have iced tea?

Yes, lemon with that?

Hmm.

Hey, Pigeon, did you get any lemon with yours?

-No. -No lemon please.

I'll send over some chips and guaca-mole.

Oh, good, because this is a celebration.

Muchas gracias.

You're welcome.

Um, before we eat, I'd like to say grace.

For this and all we're about to receive,

make us truly grateful, Lord.

Through Christ we pray, amen.

-What the...was that? -What?

It's called giving thanks.

When did you become, um, religious?

I go to Bible study once a week.

You all said I needed to make friends my own age.

So you joined a cult?

Okay, before being so critical,

why don't we let Yung tell us a little more about it.

What church is the group identified with?

Christian.

Well, what the hell does that mean?

Is it Protestant, Episcopal, Methodist?

I don't know, it's just Christian.

Look, we just hang out mostly.

You guys are acting like I joined a gang.

Okay, I'm gonna wash my hands and I hope when I get back,

you're all done being so judgmental.

Mmm, this is a dangerous moment in parenting.

I know that you have to let your children

experiment with stuff when they grow older

and trust them that they'll find their way,

but I thought it would be drugs or sexting

or something normal.

I mean, man, she's Asian, man.

So I thought maybe I'm gambling,

but not Jesus.

I didn't see Jesus coming in our lives.

Here's your tequila and beer,

and iced tea for everyone else.

I didn't order ice-tea.

-No? -I said root beer.

But I think I'm gonna change it.

Give me a hot chocolate.

Ooh, that kale is a bitter mother... Tastes like garbage.

Hey, Pigeon, you want me to make you

a kale protein shake?

Oh, no, thank you.

On account of you just said it tastes like garbage.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, everyone, that's my friend, Will.

-Who's Will? -He's in my Bible study.

-He's coming over to hang out. -Hang out?

When I was your age, hangout meant anal.

-What? -Wait,

maybe it didn't mean that,

but it definitely meant you liked him.

-Do you like this Will? -I do.

So don't embarrass me, Pigeon.

Embarrass you, how?

Like, by talking,

or by watching pornography in front of him

and masturbating to it in front of him.

Or by asking to see his penis,

or by telling him that I have a penis, stuff like that.

That embarrasses you? You're so fragile.

I guess it makes sense that you need religion.

You're gonna be such a frail reed.

Gosh, I can't believe that your dad is Mike Tyson.

I mean, that's incredibly interesting.

I mean, nothing about you seemed to suggest

that he was your dad.

(SIGHS) Yeah, I get that a lot.

Yung, can I...

-Whoa. -Oh.

No, I meant to talk to you.

Physical intimacy outside of marriage

is an abomination before God.

Oh, yeah, no, totally, you,

you had an eyelash on your cheek,

so I was gonna blow you.

Actually, I wasn't gonna blow you,

I was gonna, with my mouth,

I wasn't gonna blow wind,

I wasn't gonna suck it off.

Yung, do you know what the rapture is?

Um, sort of.

It's when those who are saved will be taken up to heaven,

while the rest will be left behind on Earth

to be tortured by Satan's minions.

Wow.

We haven't talked about that at bible study, have we?

I hate to say it,

but not everybody goes to bible study

for the right reasons.

I think some people just like to hang out with friends.

And do charitable stuff for those less fortunate.

(SCOFFS) What assholes.

Yung, I need you to be saved, so when the rapture comes

you can join me in the kingdom of heaven.

Well, that's nice.

Of course, you'll be leaving behind your friends.

-What? -Well...

That all-white man you introduced me to

is obviously a homosexual.

Which is an abomination before God.

-I don't... -And someone trained

your pet bird, to say the C-word.

He told me I have a C-word face.

Well, I'm sorry he said that.

You definitely do not have a...face.

But Will, I have to say,

I'm sorry, but I don't believe any of this stuff.

That's what faith is.

Believing in things that are unbelievable and crazy?

-Yeah. -Okay.

Everybody, we got a new mystery!

Dad, have you been hiding in there?

I came out because I saw we got a new mystery.

Then, you guys came out.

And then I wanted to respect your privacy.

So I just crouched down in there

and I hid, and I spied on you.

So, yes. Then I just wanted to make sure

that Will wasn't a scientologist.

He seemed so nice.

And every scientologist I've met

has always been so nice.

And you're just like, "No one can be that nice."

-It's just weird. -Oh, my God.

What's...face still doing here?

Will, I have to go. We have a mystery to solve.

Yung, please, I'm not leaving here until you're saved.

It could happen at any second.

What could happen at any second?

The rapture.

Unfortunately, you won't be joining us

in the kingdom of heaven, because you're gay.

You'll be going to hell.

Okay, I'll be sure to say hi to your mom when I get there.

...face.

To the Mystery Mobile.

I'll wait here for you!

It's that same old couple again.

What the hell do they want?

I bet they want to sue you for burning down their...house.

OLD MAN: Oh, finally.

Margaret and I were sitting here,

picking through the ashes, looking at everything we had,

all burned to nothing,

when suddenly that demon popped up.

Ha! I told you there was a demon, Pigeon.

He didn't believe me.

No, it was more like I didn't care.

So, what happened?

He said, "Take my hand."

And we said, "No, sir. Get on out of here, demon."

-And he did. -Well, that was nice of him.

But before he went, he said

since you burned down this house,

he was going to go live in your house,

and get one of you to let him live in your soul.

Oh, no, Will.

Who the...is Will?

How long does it take to solve a mystery?

Ah, finally.

Yung, is that you?

(MENACING LAUGHTER)

DEMON: I'm not Yung, you fool.

I'm here to steal your soul.

WILL: You can't have me, demon.

My God is an awesome God.

He's an awesome God!

Will!

Will is gone. I took his soul.

I'm the demon Bathog.

Come forth and admire my nine penises.

(LAUGHS)

Well, don't just stand there, Yung.

Hello, everybody.

God, here.

Will was right, it's the rapture.

Oh, no, son, there's no such thing as the rapture.

That was something we told some of the dumber ones

to keep them in line.

But we need to take care of that demon Bathog,

and there is only one way to take care of a demon.

Am I right, Mike Tyson?

Hell yeah, God, burn that mother...down.

I'm sorry, but believe me, Yung,

it would not have been enjoyable

losing your virginity to a nine-dicked demon.

Well...

God bless y'all.

Ha! Go Cowboys!

(LAUGHS)

PIGEON: Ha! God is Jerry Jones.

I was informed that is was just our 30th mystery, yes,

um, bad counting. I was doing the counting,

of course it came out bad, and, um,

we're only on number 30. Three-oh.

Thank you.