Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hmm, I think it might be...

Yeah, huh! Look at that.

Tomorrow's my birthday.

Well, I just need to know, should I plan something?

Are people planning something for me? Do...

Do I need to make myself scarce for a few hours tomorrow

while things get set up?

Hey, that's actually a good idea.

You should definitely leave for the entire day tomorrow. (CHUCKLES)

Well, just to make it easy on everyone,

I went ahead and made my Amazon Wish List public.

I also have a wish list at Williams-Sonoma...

Surprise!

We're all going to New York City, baby.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! New York City?

A trip to New York City for my birthday.

Oh! You shouldn't have.

(GASPS) Are we going to a show?

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

Did you get tickets to Kinky Boots?

Am I seeing Kinky Boots for my birthday?

(SCREAMS)

Thank you, everyone! This is the best birthday present ever!

Aaah!

What are you talking about, Marquess?

We're going to New York City for a mystery.

-Oh. -Why? When's your birthday?

Tomor...

Oh, okay.

Sure, uh-huh, okay. (CHUCKLES)

I see what's going on. I'll play along.

So, I guess I should just go pack for this "mystery"

that's taking us to New York City? (CHUCKLES)

You guys probably have a lot to talk about.

The less I know, the better.

(SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT)

Did you guys know it was his birthday?

What are we gonna give him?

I dunno. I could give him gonorrhea.

But, I'd have to (BLEEP) him.

Hmm, I feel like we can do better,

but that's a good backup.

Okay, read the mystery to Pigeon, honey.

"My name is Julie, and I'm a production assistant on The Charlie Rose Show."

The Charlie Rose Show is a talk show on PBS.

"I need your help because last night's guest, Gregg Popovich,

"has gone missing. Please hurry."

"Hurry" means "to move or to proceed with haste."

I know. What do you think, I'm a (BLEEP) idiot?

I don't know, don't birds have small brains?

How do you lose a guest on a talk show?

Uh, quick question about "the mystery."

If I were to schedule a personal shopper at Bergdorf's,

are we thinking Saturday is a day where we can all do whatever we want?

Or do you guys have everything super planned? Or...

You know what? I'll just book it.

And if I have to cancel it, I'll cancel it.

(LAUGHS)

♪ Big lights, big city! ♪

MAN: (OVER PA) Baggage for flight 185...

MIKE: We missed you, Pigeon!

(BLEEP) you! (BLEEP) all of you!

Was it bad down there?

Oh, where? You mean in the freezing cold with all the (BLEEP) luggage?

We tried to get you on, Pigeon,

but they said no animals in first class.

You assholes were in first class?

Ugh! What is that smell?

(BLEEP) That's my own (BLEEP).

-Ugh! -What?

Don't "ugh" me, you (BLEEP) bitch.

Where was I supposed to go?

While you were up there in first class sipping champagne

and shitting wherever you pleased,

I've been stuck in a little plastic prison, standing in my own feces.

Just so you know, we didn't have champagne.

It was prosecco.

And it wasn't even that good. Halfway through the flight,

I had to switch to pinot, so...

Ooh! There's our driver.

(GASPS) Ah! You got us a limo?

Oh, you guys are spoiling me!

Yeah, where are you gonna put me this time? The trunk?

The glove compartment?

Oh! Maybe in one of the wheel wells.

-(CARS HONKING) -DRIVER: So, uh, Mr. Tyson,

this is your first time doing The Charlie Rose Show?

Oh, I'm not gonna be on the show.

We're just here to solve a mystery.

Yeah, I've driven Charlie Rose before.

Nicest guy you'll ever meet.

I drive a lot of celebrities. Who do I get...

I get Harrison Ford. Drove him around.

Him and his family.

Took them all around town.

Julianne Moore, stunning.

She's a stunning woman. Doesn't wear make-up.

Doesn't need to make... She doesn't need to wear the make-up.

She'll talk to you.

DRIVER: I don't care for the younger guys.

They think the... You know. They think the city's theirs.

Just wanna go to the titty bars.

That's not what I wanna do, wait outside a titty bar.

(MUTTERING) Four hours, sitting outside of a titty bar. (SIGHS)

You know who else? Billy Crystal.

Nicest guy you'll ever meet, Billy Crystal.

Rides up front, never rides in the back.

Jesus Christ!

Makes me harken back to when I was standing in my own (BLEEP).

I should go see my daughter.

She lives in the city.

We weren't talking for a while, but now we're talking.

DRIVER: Here we are, Bloomberg building.

MARQUESS: What are we doing here?

It's where they tape The Charlie Rose Show.

So, this is an actual mystery?

Yes, Gregg Popovich is missing.

Who is Gregg Popovich?

He's a basketball coach.

Oh, oh, right. I knew that.

Oh, you knew that, really? What team?

Uh, the "I don't have to prove anything because you're a (BLEEP) asshole" team.

-How about that? -Yeah, well,

he's the coach of the Lakers.

-I know! -Yeah.

He's the coach of the Spurs, you gay ghost! (LAUGHS)

So... We're not seeing Kinky Boots?

We're not... Oh, Jesus.

Oh, thank God, you're here.

I'm Julie, I'm the one who contacted you.

Okay, we don't have much time.

Good to meet you, Julie.

We're the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

That's Yung, and that's Pigeon.

And that's Marquess over there.

How could this have happened?

I have one job.

Take the guest from the green room to the set,

and then back to the green room as soon as the interview is over.

PIGEON: (SCOFFS) That's your (BLEEP) job?

He could be anywhere.

Let's split up. I'll take Broadway.

If he's not there, I'll search Bergdorf's,

Saks Fifth Avenue and Barneys. Where else...

I definitely need to go to Mood, just to see it...

No, he's still somewhere in the building.

You can't leave without signing out, and I checked, and he never did.

-Just follow me. -(SIGHS) Yeah.

'Cause that's what you wanna do in New York.

You wanna go to a (BLEEP) building and look for a man.

Look for a man in a (BLEEP) building.

Gregg Popovich, it has been my pleasure.

Tomorrow night, our guest will be Timothy Geithner,

the former Treasury Secretary.

Good night, everyone.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

JULIE: It's like he took two steps away,

-and then he was gone. -(TAPE STOPS)

Maybe he got swallowed up by all that darkness behind the table.

I mean, it's pitch black, man.

What kinda cheap-ass background is that for a talk show?

-Dad! -I'm just saying, man.

If Charlie Rose wants to be successful,

and if he wants to compete with the Jay Lenos

and the David Lettermans of the world...

They got rid of Leno, it's Fallon.

-And Letterman retired. -Fallon?

-Who's the other guy? -I dunno.

-Jimmy Kimmel. -Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Uh-uh, that's not the guy I'm talking about.

Who am I thinking of?

How the (BLEEP) would I know who you're thinking of!

The one with the city in the background, dickhead.

-What? -The dude that sits at the desk,

and behind him in the background is a miniature version of the city. That guy.

Yes, yes, that's all of them.

Exactly. That's exactly my point.

And that's why Charlie Rose needs to get himself to Home Depot

and get some wood and build a little New York City

and put it in the (BLEEP) background.

And that is if he wants to at least compete with Jay Leno.

Well, let's not forget about Steve Allen.

Oh, there you are.

We're taping in 30 minutes. We're gonna need you to get Mr. Geithner to set.

Oh, and um, we just got a call from someone from the Spurs.

They're looking for Gregg Popovich. You have any idea where he went?

No! Uh...

After the show, I took him to the green room...

Huh, weird.

Uh-oh! Julie, you lied.

That always makes everything worse.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna get fired.

I just know I'm gonna get fired.

Okay. Well, I'll just say it.

This doesn't seem to be one of those mysteries

where we all need to be here, you know what I mean?

I mean, I haven't spoken in a while, and no one has noticed.

So, what do we all think of me just going,

just to see about tickets to Kinky? And if there aren't any,

I'll come right back and keep looking for, um... Uh...

Oh, uh...

-Gregg Popovich. -Gregg Popovich.

Yes. And you'll come right back and help look.

Oh! Right.

And if there are tickets available?

You'll just see the show and then come back and help look, right?

For a missing human being.

A human being who could be injured, who could be scared, alone.

Well, it's your birthday. And so you, a grown man,

you need to treat yourself to a show of singing and dancing?

Okay, sounds good.

This is a waste of time.

We need to be looking for him in places I haven't already looked.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are we the "Julie Mystery Team"?

Or are we the "Mike Tyson Mystery Team"?

Because last time I checked,

this track suit, it said "Mike Tyson Mystery Team."

No, it doesn't. It just has a question mark.

What?

(BLEEP) Deezy, the whole time I thought this said

the "Mike Tyson Mystery Team."

Is my face at least on the back?

Somebody please tell me my face is on the back of this (BLEEP) track suit.

Uh... Yes?

Good, 'cause I was gonna kick somebody's (BLEEP) ass

if my face wasn't on the back of this thing.

(BLEEP) question mark, my ass.

Makes me seem like I'm just walking around like, "I don't know, I don't know."

Then he got up and went where?

That's the thing. He just vanished into thin air.

Julie, nobody just vanishes into...

Dad! Da...

(ENERGY CRACKLING)

-(DISTANT EXPLOSIONS) -Where the (BLEEP) are we?

CHARLIE ROSE: A better question is "When the (BLEEP) are we"?

And the answer is the year 2183.

Also known as the year humans become extinct.

Go on.

You see, once artificial intelligence

caught up with human intelligence,

the machines declared war on us.

And it is a war they are winning.

So, I went back in time to find someone to lead us to victory.

After countless interviews, I've found him.

Gregg Popovich.

That was the point of The Charlie Rose Show?

ROBOT: Kill all humans.

(SHOTS BLASTING)

(GROANS)

Please...

Promise me you'll carry on in my place.

I will, Charlie.

You hear that, machine?

I will! (VOICE ECHOING)

Timothy Geithner, it has been a pleasure. Thank you for being with us.

Oh, thank you for having me.

I think that man wanted Mike to take his place fighting those machines.

PIGEON: Yeah. But he's doing all right.

Hey, he fixed that background.

Tomorrow night, our guest will be New York Times columnist, Paul Krugman.

-Good night, everyone. -(MUSIC PLAYING)

And the cab driver was trying to, um,

elicit some kind of dialogue from me,

and this is what I do. There's two things.

"Shut the (BLEEP) up,"

or "Hey, I don't feel like talking right now,

"my head is going through some difficulties right now."

That kind of stuff.