Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

PIGEON: What are you doing?

Uh... Um. Um, nothing.

I was, uh, just...

Smoking a cigarette.

Okay, you know what? It's none of your business, Pigeon.

MIKE: Hey everybody, we have a new mystery.

-Do not tell anyone about this. -I won't.

I'm serious.

I'm serious, too.

Uh-oh.

What were you doing back there?

Oh, um...

Um, Marquess was torturing the neighbor's cat.

What? My God. Are you insane?

I was not. I was smoking a cigarette.

I can't believe you just told them.

I thought the whole point was not to tell anyone!

-You smoke? -Marquess, tell me it's not true!

Okay. Look, I'm trying to quit, but I'm just... (SIGHS)

I've been so stressed these days.

What are you stressed about?

Ugh! I don't know.

You're probably worried someone is going to find out

you torture small animals behind this coop.

What? I do not torture animals. Pigeon, what is wrong with you?

So, what's the mystery?

The mystery is how long you've been secretly smoking

dirty, disgusting cigarettes!

Okay. Oh, my God. He smokes crack!

And we are going to make a federal case out of one cigarette?

Uh, Yung, will you please just read the mystery?

Oh, are you getting stressed out, Marquess?

You need a dirty, disgusting cigarette?

My God.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"I'm worried that my wife is having an affair.

"Please help, Douglas Baynes."

-Oh, he lives here in Las Vegas. -So?

So, it's just nice because he is here in town.

Yeah, why? What else you got going on?

-Nothing. -Yeah, then why does it matter

where the hell the mystery is?

It's all a big (BEEP) waste of our lives anyway.

We should all just kill ourselves.

I'm sorry. I-I'm just in a horrible mood.

I smoked a ton of crack last night

and as usual, now, I feel like (BEEP).

Anyways, to the Mystery Mobile!

Thank you for coming. Does anyone need more tea?

PIGEON: Uh, no, because it is 100 degrees outside!

So no one needs more hot tea!

So, what is going on with your wife, Mr. Baynes?

She's just been acting distant.

She's spending more time at work.

Lots of secretive phone calls.

I mean, last night, she came home

and smelled like men's cologne.

PIGEON: Right, because she's (BEEP) other men?

I'm sorry, where is your bathroom?

Oh, just down that hall.

(CAR APPROACHING)

(GASPS)

That's her! Okay, she can't know why I've called you here.

I mean, what if I am wrong about all this?

(LAUGHS) You're not wrong.

Relax, sir. She won't suspect a thing.

Oh, hi, ma'am, I'm Randy. I went to school with your husband.

And this is, um, my sister, and this is our son.

Aren't you Mike Tyson?

Yes, ma'am.

I left my day planner. Uh, Douglas, I have to run back to work.

Don't wait up. It's going to be another late night.

PIGEON: Another late night of fiddling with other men's penises.

(HUMMING)

(FIRE ALARM BEEPING)

Ahhh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, shit!

Shitty-shit!

(STRAINING)

Argh! My shoes!

Ahhh!

Marquess.

(SIGHING)

This is one of those times I wish I was an invisible ghost,

instead of this all-white, incredibly visible ghost.

(COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKING)

Ah-ha! Mystery solved.

Ugh, what is this?

It's one of my slut websites.

Is that Mrs. Baynes?

Sure looks like her, and the profile says Bayniac.

Let's see here, she is seeking men, women, black,

Asian, Mexican, Indian, good lord!

Group sex, public sex, anal-piss-play!

Sweet mother of God! Mrs. Baynes!

Damn, I got to send this bitch a boner request.

(SIGH) I guess I'll call Douglas and break the news.

What's the name of that website again?

Dad, hold on. We don't even know that's her.

Yung's right. We have to be sure.

Maybe, Pigeon could set up a date with her, like a sting.

-Nah, I don't think that'll work. -How come?

Well for one thing, she declined my boner request.

Well, what about Marquess? She never saw him, so she won't be suspicious.

I'm sorry, I-I don't feel comfortable doing that.

I'll set up your profile.

But, maybe we will put you down as Indian

and leave out that you torture small animals,

I think that would be a turnoff.

-Okay, okay! -(CHUCKLES)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

PIGEON: And we're live.

Testing, testing. Marquess, can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you.

Where did you get all this surveillance equipment?

-Your bedroom. -What?

Uh, relax!

PIGEON: You're the only person in the world who doesn't masturbate.

Can we please just focus?

Oh, my God. What is this place?

The Torture Chamber. Las Vegas's premiere BDSM club.

So do you, like, come here?

No, only once. But I've been here a bunch of times.

(LAUGHS)

Ugh, gross.

Hello? Where am I supposed to meet her?

PIGEON: She said to meet in the Whipping Room.

-(WHIPPING SOUND) -MAN: Oh, yeah!

Oh, God... I think I am in it.

-(WHIPPING SOUND) -MAN: (SQUEALS)

(SQUEALS) I need a cigarette.

Marquess, I thought you said you were going to quit!

Seriously? I am surrounded by genitals

and you're not going to let me have one cigarette?

YUNG: Cigarettes cause cancer, Marquess.

I'm a ghost. I can't get cancer.

"I can't get cancer?" What a dick.

Who says that? "I can't get cancer."

Unlikeable.

-What an unlikeable dick. -(WHIPPING SOUND)

WOMAN: Sid Arthur?

Oh, um, Bayniac?

Oh, my God, it is her!

(GIGGLING) You seem nervous.

Uh, oh, I'm not nervous.

I'm very comfortable here in... Ahhh! Semen!

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

-Holy (BEEP). -What the hell is she?

(GROWLING)

You know what? I think I left my wallet in one of the gang-bang rooms.

So, I'm just gonna...

-(SNARLING) -MARQUESS: (SCREAMS)

-(SHIVERING) -(HISSING)

What, what the hell?

(GROWLING)

(STAMMERING)

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(PANTING)

(SCREAMING)

-(WOMAN SCREAMING) -(HISSING)

(YELPING)

MARQUESS: Ahhh!

MARQUESS: Michael!

You can kill these sexual deviants, alien, but you can't kill my friend.

(SQUEALING)

Oh, semen!

-(HISSING) -(WHIMPERING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

PIGEON: Hey, I wonder, do you think we are standing in blood

or semen?

Huh. Looks like a little of both.

YUNG: Ew!

PIGEON: Hey! At least you're wearing (BEEP) shoes.

You're saying my wife was an alien?

And now she's just gone back to her home planet?

We were married for seven years. I just...

I just can't believe it.

We're so sorry.

Well, as bad as it is, for whatever reason,

it makes me feel better to know she wasn't unfaithful.

What are you talking about? She is very unfaithful.

I would estimate she slept with anywhere from one to 10,000 people.

She was probably harvesting sperm for an alien species.

Unless she was doing it for her own personal pleasure.

Either way, she was very, very promiscuous.

Uh... Uh...

Dad, you didn't have to tell him that part.

Look, Marquess, three women accepted your boner request.

Uh! Delete that account, right now.

No. No, no, we're having success here.

We, we got to send a follow up.

Let me see your dick.

-No! -Come on.

Come on, I got to take a dick pic.

-Stop it! -Yung, tell Marquess to take out his dick.

So I can take a picture of his dick.

MARQUESS: Oh, my God.

I'm sure there's other, um...

Universes. Of course, there has to be other planet.

We can't be the only people here.

If, um... If that's the case,

Gods did a pitiful job.

God has really done a pitiful job.