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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,467 --> 00:00:03,697 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:43,105 PIGEON: What are you doing? 3 00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:45,180 Uh... Um. Um, nothing. 4 00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:46,679 I was, uh, just... 5 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,280 Smoking a cigarette. 6 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,352 Okay, you know what? It's none of your business, Pigeon. 7 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,421 MIKE: Hey everybody, we have a new mystery. 8 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,820 -Do not tell anyone about this. -I won't. 9 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,122 I'm serious. 10 00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:57,393 I'm serious, too. 11 00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:01,986 Uh-oh. 12 00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:03,796 What were you doing back there? 13 00:01:03,798 --> 00:01:05,228 Oh, um... 14 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,002 Um, Marquess was torturing the neighbor's cat. 15 00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:09,271 What? My God. Are you insane? 16 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:11,340 I was not. I was smoking a cigarette. 17 00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:12,838 I can't believe you just told them. 18 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,670 I thought the whole point was not to tell anyone! 19 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,606 -You smoke? -Marquess, tell me it's not true! 20 00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:22,922 Okay. Look, I'm trying to quit, but I'm just... (SIGHS) 21 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,447 I've been so stressed these days. 22 00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:26,022 What are you stressed about? 23 00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:27,550 Ugh! I don't know. 24 00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,215 You're probably worried someone is going to find out 25 00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:32,833 you torture small animals behind this coop. 26 00:01:32,827 --> 00:01:37,057 What? I do not torture animals. Pigeon, what is wrong with you? 27 00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:38,604 So, what's the mystery? 28 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,899 The mystery is how long you've been secretly smoking 29 00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:42,531 dirty, disgusting cigarettes! 30 00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:45,466 Okay. Oh, my God. He smokes crack! 31 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:48,273 And we are going to make a federal case out of one cigarette? 32 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,835 Uh, Yung, will you please just read the mystery? 33 00:01:50,845 --> 00:01:53,245 Oh, are you getting stressed out, Marquess? 34 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:55,607 You need a dirty, disgusting cigarette? 35 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,016 My God. 36 00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,447 "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, 37 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,392 "I'm worried that my wife is having an affair. 38 00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:02,747 "Please help, Douglas Baynes." 39 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:05,456 -Oh, he lives here in Las Vegas. -So? 40 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,189 So, it's just nice because he is here in town. 41 00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:10,625 Yeah, why? What else you got going on? 42 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:13,471 -Nothing. -Yeah, then why does it matter 43 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,467 where the hell the mystery is? 44 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,339 It's all a big (BEEP) waste of our lives anyway. 45 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,409 We should all just kill ourselves. 46 00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:27,213 I'm sorry. I-I'm just in a horrible mood. 47 00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:29,314 I smoked a ton of crack last night 48 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,816 and as usual, now, I feel like (BEEP). 49 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,249 Anyways, to the Mystery Mobile! 50 00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:43,597 Thank you for coming. Does anyone need more tea? 51 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,897 PIGEON: Uh, no, because it is 100 degrees outside! 52 00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:49,171 So no one needs more hot tea! 53 00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,900 So, what is going on with your wife, Mr. Baynes? 54 00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:53,406 She's just been acting distant. 55 00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,837 She's spending more time at work. 56 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,483 Lots of secretive phone calls. 57 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,878 I mean, last night, she came home 58 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,210 and smelled like men's cologne. 59 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,516 PIGEON: Right, because she's (BEEP) other men? 60 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,718 I'm sorry, where is your bathroom? 61 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,650 Oh, just down that hall. 62 00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:10,659 (CAR APPROACHING) 63 00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,058 (GASPS) 64 00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:17,257 That's her! Okay, she can't know why I've called you here. 65 00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:19,234 I mean, what if I am wrong about all this? 66 00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:20,533 (LAUGHS) You're not wrong. 67 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,244 Relax, sir. She won't suspect a thing. 68 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:29,138 Oh, hi, ma'am, I'm Randy. I went to school with your husband. 69 00:03:29,143 --> 00:03:33,013 And this is, um, my sister, and this is our son. 70 00:03:34,247 --> 00:03:36,417 Aren't you Mike Tyson? 71 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,747 Yes, ma'am. 72 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:42,852 I left my day planner. Uh, Douglas, I have to run back to work. 73 00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:47,526 Don't wait up. It's going to be another late night. 74 00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:50,728 PIGEON: Another late night of fiddling with other men's penises. 75 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,474 (HUMMING) 76 00:03:58,304 --> 00:03:59,844 (FIRE ALARM BEEPING) 77 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,540 Ahhh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, shit! 78 00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:04,536 Shitty-shit! 79 00:04:05,511 --> 00:04:07,481 (STRAINING) 80 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,551 Argh! My shoes! 81 00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:10,720 Ahhh! 82 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,648 Marquess. 83 00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,223 (SIGHING) 84 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:16,691 This is one of those times I wish I was an invisible ghost, 85 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:20,260 instead of this all-white, incredibly visible ghost. 86 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:22,160 (COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKING) 87 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:24,132 Ah-ha! Mystery solved. 88 00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:27,472 Ugh, what is this? 89 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,528 It's one of my slut websites. 90 00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:30,836 Is that Mrs. Baynes? 91 00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:34,868 Sure looks like her, and the profile says Bayniac. 92 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:38,375 Let's see here, she is seeking men, women, black, 93 00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:41,709 Asian, Mexican, Indian, good lord! 94 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:45,345 Group sex, public sex, anal-piss-play! 95 00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:49,222 Sweet mother of God! Mrs. Baynes! 96 00:04:49,223 --> 00:04:52,893 Damn, I got to send this bitch a boner request. 97 00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:56,133 (SIGH) I guess I'll call Douglas and break the news. 98 00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,660 What's the name of that website again? 99 00:04:57,665 --> 00:05:00,125 Dad, hold on. We don't even know that's her. 100 00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:02,474 Yung's right. We have to be sure. 101 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:05,769 Maybe, Pigeon could set up a date with her, like a sting. 102 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:08,473 -Nah, I don't think that'll work. -How come? 103 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:11,305 Well for one thing, she declined my boner request. 104 00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:15,212 Well, what about Marquess? She never saw him, so she won't be suspicious. 105 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:18,215 I'm sorry, I-I don't feel comfortable doing that. 106 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,418 I'll set up your profile. 107 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:23,091 But, maybe we will put you down as Indian 108 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,560 and leave out that you torture small animals, 109 00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:27,389 I think that would be a turnoff. 110 00:05:27,394 --> 00:05:29,194 -Okay, okay! -(CHUCKLES) 111 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,073 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 112 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:36,233 PIGEON: And we're live. 113 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,836 Testing, testing. Marquess, can you hear me? 114 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,339 Yes, I can hear you. 115 00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:42,111 Where did you get all this surveillance equipment? 116 00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:43,709 -Your bedroom. -What? 117 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,541 Uh, relax! 118 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:48,306 PIGEON: You're the only person in the world who doesn't masturbate. 119 00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:50,115 Can we please just focus? 120 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:53,887 Oh, my God. What is this place? 121 00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:58,917 The Torture Chamber. Las Vegas's premiere BDSM club. 122 00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:00,526 So do you, like, come here? 123 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:04,327 No, only once. But I've been here a bunch of times. 124 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:05,901 (LAUGHS) 125 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,169 Ugh, gross. 126 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,337 Hello? Where am I supposed to meet her? 127 00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,307 PIGEON: She said to meet in the Whipping Room. 128 00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:15,473 -(WHIPPING SOUND) -MAN: Oh, yeah! 129 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:18,036 Oh, God... I think I am in it. 130 00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,205 -(WHIPPING SOUND) -MAN: (SQUEALS) 131 00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,383 (SQUEALS) I need a cigarette. 132 00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:24,152 Marquess, I thought you said you were going to quit! 133 00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:27,251 Seriously? I am surrounded by genitals 134 00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:29,494 and you're not going to let me have one cigarette? 135 00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:31,390 YUNG: Cigarettes cause cancer, Marquess. 136 00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:34,532 I'm a ghost. I can't get cancer. 137 00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,328 "I can't get cancer?" What a dick. 138 00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:38,130 Who says that? "I can't get cancer." 139 00:06:38,132 --> 00:06:39,602 Unlikeable. 140 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,600 -What an unlikeable dick. -(WHIPPING SOUND) 141 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,572 WOMAN: Sid Arthur? 142 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:46,740 Oh, um, Bayniac? 143 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,210 Oh, my God, it is her! 144 00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,939 (GIGGLING) You seem nervous. 145 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,705 Uh, oh, I'm not nervous. 146 00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:56,654 I'm very comfortable here in... Ahhh! Semen! 147 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:57,750 (GROWLING) 148 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,551 (SCREAMING) 149 00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:02,093 -Holy (BEEP). -What the hell is she? 150 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:05,059 (GROWLING) 151 00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:08,928 You know what? I think I left my wallet in one of the gang-bang rooms. 152 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,129 So, I'm just gonna... 153 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,701 -(SNARLING) -MARQUESS: (SCREAMS) 154 00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:15,499 -(SHIVERING) -(HISSING) 155 00:07:16,869 --> 00:07:17,939 What, what the hell? 156 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:18,938 (GROWLING) 157 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,109 (STAMMERING) 158 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,737 (GROWLING) 159 00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:23,312 (SCREAMING) 160 00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:26,848 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 161 00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:27,907 (PANTING) 162 00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,175 (SCREAMING) 163 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,784 -(WOMAN SCREAMING) -(HISSING) 164 00:07:33,686 --> 00:07:34,986 (YELPING) 165 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,248 MARQUESS: Ahhh! 166 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,663 MARQUESS: Michael! 167 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:44,400 You can kill these sexual deviants, alien, but you can't kill my friend. 168 00:07:44,398 --> 00:07:45,458 (SQUEALING) 169 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:48,670 Oh, semen! 170 00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:52,500 -(HISSING) -(WHIMPERING) 171 00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:10,788 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 172 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:14,461 PIGEON: Hey, I wonder, do you think we are standing in blood 173 00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:15,631 or semen? 174 00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:20,533 Huh. Looks like a little of both. 175 00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:21,834 YUNG: Ew! 176 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,195 PIGEON: Hey! At least you're wearing (BEEP) shoes. 177 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,344 You're saying my wife was an alien? 178 00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:29,110 And now she's just gone back to her home planet? 179 00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:31,539 We were married for seven years. I just... 180 00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:32,935 I just can't believe it. 181 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,306 We're so sorry. 182 00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:37,024 Well, as bad as it is, for whatever reason, 183 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,517 it makes me feel better to know she wasn't unfaithful. 184 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:42,851 What are you talking about? She is very unfaithful. 185 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:46,586 I would estimate she slept with anywhere from one to 10,000 people. 186 00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:50,733 She was probably harvesting sperm for an alien species. 187 00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,831 Unless she was doing it for her own personal pleasure. 188 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:55,773 Either way, she was very, very promiscuous. 189 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:57,636 Uh... Uh... 190 00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:01,808 Dad, you didn't have to tell him that part. 191 00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:04,938 Look, Marquess, three women accepted your boner request. 192 00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:07,305 Uh! Delete that account, right now. 193 00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,614 No. No, no, we're having success here. 194 00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:11,646 We, we got to send a follow up. 195 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:12,852 Let me see your dick. 196 00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:14,093 -No! -Come on. 197 00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:15,617 Come on, I got to take a dick pic. 198 00:09:15,622 --> 00:09:19,362 -Stop it! -Yung, tell Marquess to take out his dick. 199 00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,259 So I can take a picture of his dick. 200 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,591 MARQUESS: Oh, my God. 201 00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:35,425 I'm sure there's other, um... 202 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:38,335 Universes. Of course, there has to be other planet. 203 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,538 We can't be the only people here. 204 00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:44,137 If, um... If that's the case, 205 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,444 Gods did a pitiful job. 206 00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:48,346 God has really done a pitiful job. 15208