Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRYING AND SNIFFLING)

How did we get here?

What are you talking about?

First, you knocked over my bowl of tomato soup

because you had to show me your magic trick.

Pigeon's trying to commit suicide again.

And Dad's watching On Golden Pond.

(CRYING)

I wasn't asking literally, I was trying to set a mood.

What?

Aw! How'd you do that?

-Okay, I am going outside to get a mystery. -(CRYING CONTINUES)

I put the knot in the wrong end of the rope. God damn it.

-YUNG: And I'm not cleaning that. -Oh, this is ridiculous.

(HUMMING)

Hey. Hey, who turned off the gas?

Oh, Pigeon, just take a (BLEEP) damn anti-depressant like the rest of us.

Yeah, well, if any of you were really my friends, you'd let me die in peace.

-Guys, listen... -Hey, Pigeon, is that the guy from 9 to 5?

Yeah, Dabney Coleman. I love Dabney Coleman.

He's a reason not to kill yourself.

Didn't he pass away a few years ago?

What? I'm going back in the oven.

(GAS HISSING)

Oh, wait a second, I'm thinking of Charles Durning. Dabney Coleman's still alive.

We don't have to tell him that.

YUNG: Come on, let's go.

Hold on. I have an hour and 14 minutes on my movie.

PIGEON: Nobody go through my (beep) when I'm dead.

Oh, hi, thank you so much for coming.

Oh, of course, ma'am. We came as soon as we got your note.

We definitely didn't wait an hour and 14 minutes.

So, as I said, there is this sound in my car and it's driving me crazy.

I can't figure out where it's coming from

and then, of course, every time I take it to the mechanic,

it stops making the sound.

-(BARKING) -Ah! Look out!

What the (BLEEP)!

Sherman, no! No, Sherman!

-I'm so sorry. He's out of control! -(GROWLING)

Well, shall we take a look at your car?

That would be great.

If you wanna come with me, I'm about to take Sherman to obedience school.

And then I have to pick up my two other kids.

Wait a minute. You have two more kids other than the two?

Are you trying to tell me that somebody (BLEEP) you four times? Come on!

-Pigeon! -No offense.

Oh. Okay, well, I'm sure that smoothed it all over.

-(WAILING) -Oh, I'm sorry. I have to change the baby.

And then we'll go. Would you mind watching Tyler?

Watch him do what?

What do you do, Tyler?

Do you... Do you do magic? Marquess does magic.

Marquess, do that magic trick you did this morning for Tyler.

I am not tying up a 2-year-old.

I'll do it.

-No one is tying him up. -Well, we're back to square one.

Your mom said to watch you, but you don't do anything.

Oh, that is low brow.

It's funny as shit, but it's low brow.

Well, now that we don't have to deal with Sherman's barking,

maybe, we can hear the sound.

It's, um, it's kind of this high-pitched sound.

Oh, it's incredibly annoying.

Well, this is why my husband calls me a liar.

(BABY COOING)

So, Meg, what does your husband do?

He works in the IT department for an alarm systems company.

Oh, that sounds fun.

(CHUCKLES) How does that sound fun?

I'm just making conversation. You could ask her something, you know.

Oh, uh...

Hey, Meg, when you're on your period...

Oh, my God.

You don't even know what I'm going to ask.

Meg, when you're on your period, do you still like to get (BLEEP)?

-(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) -I did know what you were going to ask.

Okay, you guys wait here. I'm going to run in and get Britney

and then, we have to drop her at gymnastics before we pick up Miles.

-Britney the gymnast, huh? (CHUCKLES) -Gross!

-What? -Dad, can you do something?

Tell him not to talk or something.

I'm not allowed to say "Britney the gymnast?"

Hey, Pigeon, is that that same guy from On Golden Pond?

I don't know. What are you watching?

Fast and the Furious 3. No wait, Jaws 3.

No wait, On Golden Pond.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the same guy.

That balance beam better get ready. (LAUGHS)

-Hi, Britney! -Britney, this is the Mike Tyson Mystery Team

and they're going to help us find the noise in the car.

And I just found out that Miles' soccer practice was canceled.

So now, we have to pick him up at his school before we can go to gymnastics.

Mmm, I don't know when the hell I'm gonna cook dinner!

Hmm, there is no job in the world harder than being a mom.

Really? Really? How about a dad?

Has to do the same stuff as a mom, plus have a job.

YUNG: Can you be more sexist? PIGEON: Well, when you think about it, I suppose so, uh...

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Hello, Miles.

Marquess, have you no shame? He's 14.

-(GASPS) I wasn't hitting on him! -PIGEON: Oh.

Move over, Britney!

BRITNEY: You move over!

-Move over, Britney. -You move over.

-(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE) -Move your leg!

-Shh! -(NOISE STOPS)

-You're hurting me! -(NOISE RESUMES)

-Jesus Christ. -Move your leg!

-Everybody quiet! -(WAILING)

-Mom! -Mom, Miles is kicking me!

-Shut up! Just shut up! -Mom!

-Mom, Miles is hurting me. -Everybody just shut up! Shut up!

(WAILING AND NOISE STOPS)

(SIGHS) Did any of you hear that?

Please tell me someone heard it!

(MIKE GIGGLING)

What the (BLEEP) Marquess?

She heard the sound.

Oh, damn, I'm sorry. I thought I let that one out quietly.

Well, I had a head of cabbage for breakfast, okay?

Not you, the car.

I swear to God I'm going to lose my mind.

It's okay, ma'am. Let's take the car out on the freeway

and we'll all be real quiet and we'll all pay attention.

No screens, guys, okay? Everybody put away your screens away.

Dad, you're the only one watching a movie.

Mom, we're going to be late for gymnastics.

-I get car sick on the freeway. -(BABY CRYING)

-Mom, Miles is kicking me. -What? No, I'm not!

Okay, I have an idea.

-Is it "Kill all the kids"? -What? No!

Why don't we take the children in the Mystery Mobile

while Meg and Mike will take this car out on the freeway and listen for the noise?

Yes, that sounds like a very good plan.

But when do we kill all the kids?

MARQUESS: Oh, my God.

Starting to notice the girls, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Let me ask you something.

You jacking off yet?

Because if you are, it's weird.

Nobody does it. You're the only one.

(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

-Hello? Ahhh! What is that? -(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE)

Can you believe how loud that (BLEEP) is?

It's the worst thing in the world, man.

I keep thinking this lady's crazy like she was making this (BLEEP) up.

Because of her (BLEEP) depressed life.

But it's not that, it's real. And it's (BLEEP) annoying as hell.

And we're gonna take this car straight to the mechanic

and you guys better meet us there.

Oh! First they have to pick up Sherman.

Wait, first you gotta pick up Sherman.

Okay, you drive to the mechanic.

And I'm almost done with this Golden Pond.

(GRUNTS)

Whoa! (MOANING)

That was a good dismount, Britney.

Don't let anyone tell you different.

Aw, that was very sweet of you.

Yeah, well, I was a fat kid.

(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE CONTINUES)

-MIKE: Closed? -Okay, so, what are we going to do?

'Cause, I don't think I can take it much longer.

Neither can I!

(ANGRY GRUNT)

-(GASPS) -(METAL SMASHING)

Oh, my God.

My minivan!

(SCREAMING)

Maybe this little screaming gnome that was trapped in your car knows what the sound was.

It was me. I've been trapped in your car for months.

Who are you?

My name is Elary.

I live in your garden. I watch over it and protect your family.

How did you get in my car?

The dog! He chased me.

I hid and then I got stuck.

Oh, the pain! But now I'm free.

Thank you, Mike Tyson!

Sorry, it took so long. Asian driver.

Ugh.

It's okay. We solved the mystery.

-Believe it or not, it was this little gnome in the car -(GROWLING)

-and I couldn't find out what the hell the problem was. -(GASPS) Sherman!

-(BARKING) -(WHIMPERS)

I'm going to have to pay a hell of a bill for the car, I don't know what happened.

-And insurance... But anyway... -ELARY: No, no! Wait, wait!

-MIKE: The little gnome's about six inches tall. -Please, no, no, no...

No, no! (SCREAMING)

And, man, I just couldn't believe this thing. It's only 6 inches tall.

Well, where is he?

He was just here.

I bet he went back to your garden to protect your family.

BOTH: Aw!

Are you sure? 'Cause, I just watched that dog eat him.

(PANTING)

Yeah, I was on Fifth Avenue one day.

I had this (BLEEP) looking good, man.

Man, it was looking so good, and it just stopped right in the middle of the street.

It stopped. Then, the wheels didn't run, the battery died, it just stopped.

-MAN: So, what did you do? -(EXHALES)

I got out and jumped in a cab.