Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM BEEPING)

♪ Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory

♪ Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory

♪ Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory

♪ Children of the Lord

♪ The animal, they came in in twosies, in twosies, in twosies,

♪ The animal, they came in in twosies, in twosies, in twosies,

♪ The animal, the animal, the animal

♪ They came in pairs

(BARKING)

♪ So Noah, he built 'em, he built 'em, a biggie oak-ey boat

♪ So Noah, he built 'em, he built 'em, a big oak-ey boat

♪ He made it out of a board of sturdy oak

♪ Get those animals out of the muddy, muddy

♪ Get those animals out of the muddy, muddy

♪ Please, oh, Jesus, help me with the animals

♪ The Lord said to Noah

♪ There's gonna be a floody, floody... ♪

What the (BLEEP)!

You piece of shit!

Michael, I made your favorite.

Maple Brioche French toast with just a dollop of creme fraiche .

You mean Maple Brioche fat toast

with just a dollop of creme fat.

Michael!

Dad, what are you doing?

He's going crazy. I told you this was going to happen.

He's gonna murder us all. He's like that tiger and we're Siegfried and Roy.

I knew it was only a matter of time.

You can't just live with a wild animal

and not expect it to one day try and eat you.

I'm not going to eat you, Pigeon.

I'm not gonna eat anything else ever, ever again.

I'm going on a diet. You hear me, Marquess?

No more French toast.

I blame this track suit.

It's the elastic waistband. It tricks you.

I bet Yung is fat as shit under there.

Okay, is anyone interested in today's mystery?

Anything to keep my mind off of how hungry I am.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, my name is Andrew."

ANDREW: And I can't seem to ever get a second date with a girl, ever.

I don't know what the problem is.

I'll be at Nona's Pie House on 24th Street at 12:00.

If you think you can help me...

Please, please help me.

Of course, we can help you.

Where's the rest of the team?

Where did Michael go?

Oh, there's no team, it's just me.

I call it the "Mike Tyson Mystery Team" because of a copyright situation.

So, you were saying you can't get a second date, huh?

Any ideas why?

Well, I do have one theory...

Mmm-hmm. I'm listening.

I think there's a very strong possibility,

that I'm a werewolf.

Mmm.

I keep waking up in the morning,

covered in blood with no memory of the night before.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

So, what I think is happening is that I'm eating these women.

Uh-oh.

We're all outta pie.

Did you hear anything I said?

-Excuse me! -Can I help you?

I think I'm gonna need more pie.

What do you like better?

The key lime pie or the chocolate pudding pie?

Ooh-wie. Or a Cherry Jubilee pie?

Well, they're, they're all good.

Yeah, but if you had to choose?

MAN: Uh, I like the key lime.

Really? More than the Cherry Jubilee?

(STUTTERING) Well, I personally don't like cherry.

MIKE: Yeah, but if you did you'd probably pick the Cherry Jubilee, right?

No brainer.

Oh, hold up. Snicker pie. What the (BLEEP) is a Snicker pie?

It's like a chocolate pie made with a Snicker bar.

Ooh-wie! I gotta have a slice of that.

No, (BLEEP), bring me the whole pie.

And bring me some of the samples of the other ones too.

I'm sorry. We don't give samples.

Just whatever pie you're gonna throw out back there.

Give it to me and Andrew.

Do you believe that guy? Who doesn't like cherries?

(CHOMPING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Michelle Wie...(CHUCKLES) Yes. Yes.

Hey, you should go as her for Halloween. You're a...

Where'd you go?

Oh, I went to go meet, Andrew.

Well, why didn't you wait for us?

What is this the Spanish Inquisition?

Here you go, Michael.

Heirloom tomatoes on a bed of steamed kale.

Oh, no, thanks Marquess. I'm too full.

What? When did you eat?

I mean I'm too, I mean I'm too full of good ideas.

As to how I'm gonna solve this mystery.

I think Yung should go on a date with Andrew

and see what's wrong with him.

I don't wanna go on a date with him. What if he's a weirdo?

Honey, I met with him.

There's nothing weird about him.

I mean, he's dull as can be.

I barely remember anything that he said.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Seriously?

Okay, I know you think this is a waste of time,

but trust me, Yung, image is important. Okay?

Whether you're solving a mystery,

or looking for Mr. Right, or in this case, maybe both.

Okay, you can say, "Ugh" all you want but I know fashion.

And I'm sorry,

but you're never gonna see Oscar de la Renta

in a pink tracksuit, down the runway. You're just not.

There! What do you think?

And don't say you need a walking stick because you don't.

Ah, well, maybe you do.

Oh, yeah. You needed the walking stick.

Oh, honey, you look so beautiful.

Ugh! My God.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

-Mmm? -She just couldn't pull it off?

-Good Lord, you're a freak. -Stop it.

Ah! Oh, my goodness.

She's been out all night. I'm really starting to get worried.

Michael. Are you eating butter?

The internet said, "In order to be successful at a diet,

"you have to allow yourself a cheat day."

But this is your first day.

It's unsalted, Marquess.

(GASPING)

Uh-huh-huh. Good date?

(STUTTERING) He tried to kill me.

He turned into a werewolf and he tried to kill me.

-(GRUNTS) -Andrew's a werewolf?

That doesn't sound like Andrew.

(GASPS) Oh, no.

-What? -How did you get that scratch on your arm?

I don't know. I don't remember, why?

If you get scratched by a werewolf,

you become a werewolf.

-(YUNG GASPS) -MIKE: Oh, shit.

It's not unsalted.

Man, it's impossible to stay on a diet.

(WOLVES HOWLING)

Did you find anything?

No, not yet.

Oh, hold on. Here's one.

"At a London dinner party,

"Winston Churchill found himself seated next to a Methodist bishop

"A pert young serving lady appeared with a tray of brandy glasses,

"offered one to Churchill, who gladly took it,

"and then one to the bishop.

"The bishop, aghast at the thought of imbibing alcohol,

"snapped at her, 'Lassie.

"'I'd sooner commit adultery than drink an intoxicant.'

"Whereupon, Churchill beckoned the young maid,

"'Come back, my dear. I didn't know we had a choice.'"

(LAUGHING)

That's a pretty good one.

What are you talking about?

You, you said to find an anecdote.

Antidote.

You need to learn to enunciate.

Okay. You need to learn to listen. Move.

Antidote plus werewolf.

Uh, you don't have to put the plus.

Guys, we don't even know that I'm gonna become a werewolf.

Shouldn't we be focusing on finding Andrew?

Maybe he went back to Nona's Pie House. I'll go look.

Oh, Michael.

Marquess I told you, it's a cheat day.

Okay, okay. I know what we can do.

But you're not gonna like it.

Well, you're gonna have to take off all your clothes.

Then, you'll let me take a bunch of pictures of you.

Then, we put them on the internet.

Put them on, uh, a pay site though, you know?

And we really play up the Asian angle.

I'm sorry.

How is that an antidote to becoming a werewolf?

It's not. Come on, it's just to lighten the mood.

-You guys getting so serious. -MARQUESS: Oh, my goodness.

Oh, no. It's getting dark.

The moon will be out soon. Marquess, what are we gonna do?

Oh, my. (SIGHS)

I was hoping to find something, but they all say the same thing.

A silver bullet to the heart.

What? You're gonna shoot me?

We don't have a silver bullet.

I do.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

I got a bunch. Bob Seger sends them out

as Christmas presents every year.

(MARQUESS READING)

That's a lot of words to get on a bullet.

You don't keep that in a safe?

That's where I keep my Archie Comics.

I got the very first Betty & Veronica double digest in there.

Now give me that bullet, Marquess, so I can shoot Yung in the heart.

You're all insane!

That's the werewolf talking.

Hold still, Yee. I'm trying to help you.

-YUNG: My name's not Yee! -Put the gun down, Michael.

(YUNG PANTING)

Say your prayers, werewolf.

-Michael! -YUNG: Wait!

It's a full moon.

If I was gonna turn into a werewolf it would have happened by now.

Oh, thank goodness.

PIGEON: I guess it's going to be a blessed 2003, after all.

(WOLF HOWLING)

-(YUNG SCREAMING) -What the...

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

Yung, it's me. Andrew.

I came to tell you that was the best date of my life.

And even though I'm a werewolf,

I hope you'll give me the one thing I've never had before...

A second date.

Of course, I will.

(KISSING)

Oh, I guess the other antidote is true...

-(GUNSHOT) -(GASPS)

-(GROANS) -(GASPS)

Well, at least that nightmare's over.

Now, who wants to go celebrate at Nona's Pie house?

I'm going to grab some salted butter to tie us over in the car.

So, that's like murder, right?

(HOWLING)

Werewolf, my ass! He's no damn werewolf!

He's a wolf that's weird. (CHUCKLES)