Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(HUMMING)

(SNIFFING) Mmm.

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

Bon appetit!

What is it?

It's a four cheese frittata!

Oh, yeah? What are the four cheeses?

Cheddar, Swiss and Burrata.

That's three cheeses.

Why are you calling it a four cheese frittata?

Okay, it's an expression.

PIGEON: It's not an expression.

It means, you didn't follow the recipe.

Probably why it tastes like (BLEEP).

(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) Am I right? Ah?

I will never high five you.

Yes, thank you for not high fiving that.

Good morning, everybody!

Okay, everybody, we have a new mystery.

Ooh, girl, is that a four cheese frittata? (SNIFFING)

MARQUESS: Michael, that's a hot skillet.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"my husband Gary just got a new job

"so we're gonna have to relocate from San Jose, California

"to Phoenix, Arizona and we need your help in finding a new home.

"Our budget is $650,000.

"Gary really wants a man cave and I love to entertain,

"so I'm looking for a kitchen overlooking the living room.

"Also, we have a seven-month-old labradoodle named Jasper.

"So we need a yard big enough for him to frolic.

"Please help. Sincerely, Caitlyn."

Is this a joke?

What are you taking about?

How is this a mystery?

Uh-uh! Not everything has to be goblins and ghouls and phantasms.

Choosing a house involves a bit of a mystery.

What makes one gravitate toward a Craftsman home

while another might prefer a Spanish style.

Personally, I don't see the charm in either, I'm more of a Tudor man.

Oh, you're a Tudor man, huh?

I always figured you're more of a two balls and a dick man.

(LAUGHING) Am I right?

Ah...

Ugh.

Now, let's go help Caitlyn, Gary and Jasper find a house.

Well, maybe we'll have an early lunch.

Hi, Mike, I'm Neil, Caitlyn and Gary's realtor.

Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Mike.

-Hi, Neil Mathers. -Oh, that's Marquess.

Hi, Neil. Nice to meet you.

-Hi, Marquess, Gary Fewkes. -Hello.

-Hi, Gary. -Hi, Mike.

This is my wife, Caitlyn.

-Hi, Caitlyn. -Hello.

-Hi, I'm Caitlyn. -Hi.

Oh, that's Yung Hee.

-Hi, Yung Hee. -Hi.

-Am I pronounce... Yung Hee? -Yeah.

-I'm Gary. -Okay.

-Did you meet Neil? -This is Neil.

-Oh! Uh, yeah, hi. Hi. Hi. -Hi.

-That's our realtor, Neil. -Neil.

Nice to meet you. I'm Yung Hee.

Good to meet you. Good to meet you, Yung.

My God! Why does any of this matter?

We're never going to see each other after today.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is Pigeon.

Hi, Pigeon, Gary. This is Caitlyn.

-Hi, I'm Caitlyn. -(BARKS)

-Ooh, I forgot about our dog, Jasper. -Oh!

-Hi, Jasper, I am Mike Tyson. -He's a labradoodle.

Jesus Christ!

-Wow, it's so big. -NEIL: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

-GARY: Wow. -Oh, my gosh!

NEIL: It is 3,000 square feet

and Caitlyn, it has the open floor plan you were looking for.

And you know what I'm going to ask.

Is this within Caitlyn and Gary's budget?

Well, it's a little over, but it has four bedrooms,

one of which could easily be converted into a man cave for you, Gary.

(CHUCKLES) I like that.

(GASPS) Oh, look at all these windows.

I love all this natural light. It's like I've died and gone to heaven.

Hey, you've died all right, but sadly for us you're not in heaven.

Neil, I'm noticing a lot of stairs,

how is that going to work out for Jasper?

Ooh, that'll be an adjustment for him.

We didn't have stairs in San Jose.

They don't have stairs in San Jose?

Okay, let me show you how they work.

It's very easy.

You go right foot and left foot,

or left foot and right foot.

It doesn't matter what foot, that's what makes it so easy.

And say hello to your master bedroom with en suite.

(GASPS) O-M-G!

Get in here, Caitlyn! Run, don't walk!

I could live in this closet.

Well, you sure can't seem to live out of the closet, huh?

(LAUGHING) Am I right?

I don't get it, but you're on fire today, Pigeon.

This open floor plan is exactly what I'm looking for.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

And the yard will be perfect for Jasper

but, I gotta say, I'm a little worried about going over our budget.

-Mmm. Mmm-hmm. -Yeah?

I do think this is a great home for entertainment,

but those stairs and the high price tag, man,

they have me very concerned.

I think Neil needs to show us more properties.

I don't think we need to see any more homes.

Mystery solved, this is the house.

Huh. Well, Caitlyn has pretty good tits.

NEIL: Now, this is a model home,

but it will give you a pretty good idea

of houses in this development.

It's a little smaller than the last house

but at $680,000, it is right in your budget.

MARQUESS: Okay, I hate it.

Sorry, let's see inside.

-I hate it! -Slow down, Marquess.

I'm sorry, what's your name again?

-Neil. -Neil, where's the bathroom at?

There's a half bath right over there

and there are two full bathrooms off of the bedrooms.

It just feels a little small.

Yeah, and this location's a lot further from my new job.

-Not sure how I feel about a commute. -Mmm.

I think, what Gary and Caitlyn are learning

is that for this price point, they're gonna have to make some sacrifices.

(TAPPING KEYPAD)

I don't even understand why you're interviewing me.

I don't care what (BLEEP) house they get.

This isn't a mystery.

-(HORN HONKING) -Let's go!

Okay, I don't think you should get this house for two reasons.

That half bath has no shower in it.

And also, something is wrong with the plumbing

because the toilet doesn't flush.

This is a model home, there is no plumbing.

Well, I just had four cheese diarrhea,

so we should probably see another property, Neil.

-Come on, Jasper. -(BARKS)

CAITLYN: Oh, this is beautiful! NEIL: Uh-huh.

GARY: So much character. NEIL: Uh-huh.

Well, it's one of the oldest homes in Phoenix.

It's five bedrooms, three and a half baths

and, it's close to your work.

I don't even want to ask how much it costs.

(CHUCKLES) That's the best part.

It's way below budget.

(BLEEP) Yeah, Neil.

Let's take a look at the inside.

It's been completely updated.

This is a complete waste of time.

They're never going to do better than that first home.

How on earth is this under our budget?

You know, I have no idea, it's been on the market for months,

it's an incredible buy.

Now I want to know about the school district.

Oh, well, uh, this is one of the best in Phoenix.

The middle school is actually...

Oh, I'm sorry, did I say,

"I want to know about the school district?"

I meant to say,

"I don't give a (BLEEP) about the school district."

I'll be in the car.

(PIGEON HUMMING)

-Oh, dear God! -Ugh.

I'll lock the doors so he can't get in.

No, not him, her!

-Who? -You don't see her?

Open the door, it's 1000 degrees out here.

(GASPS) She must be a ghost.

This place is haunted. I have to warn them.

YUNG: Yeah! Finally a mystery.

How am I supposed to turn on the AC

without the car keys, you dumb bitch?

(SCREAMS)

Evil lives here!

What are you seeing?

(SCREAMING)

(SOBBING) I can't! I can't! It's too horrible.

(GASPS)

I have to warn them.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

(SOBBING)

-Oh, I could definitely see this as my man cave. -Couldn't you?

-I'm not going to be allowed in here. (LAUGHING) -Nope.

She won't. You won't let her in, right?

Stop! We have to leave.

This is a house of horrors.

Nice try, Marquess, they're not gonna get that first house

just because you want it.

It's out of their price range.

I think you should listen to him.

And I think you should listen to me and I say, buy this house.

-BOTH: We'll take it. -(CHUCKLES)

I'm reading this cartoon here

and, uh, there's a big elephant

and it says "the deficit" on it

and it's sitting on a mouse

and the mouse says... (STUTTERING)

"Home crisis housing."

I don't understand this cartoon.

I like Marmaduke.

-Who are you even talking to? -PIGEON: Ah? (LAUGHING)

Who are you even talking to?

Uh, just the... The room.

Yeah, well, the room's not listening.

I was holding court.

I don't get it, we can see you,

how come we couldn't see those other ghosts?

Oh, they were specters!

One was a wraith. As a stage-four phantasm,

I have corporeal form, but can still perceive...

Boring.

That couple was murdered!

MARQUESS: What? Oh, my God! (GASPS)

"Gary and Caitlyn were found butchered

"in their recently purchased home."

Blah, blah, blah...

Dog, Jasper, also butchered. Jesus.

No one listens to me.

I said evil lived in that home.

I'll tell you where evil lives.

And why do I keep eating these four cheese frittatas?

(DOOR CLOSING)

Oh, this is some bullshit right here, man. What?

"Three bedrooms, 2.7 million," give me a break!

Come on, man, this is just really rude.

Uh...

Oh, what company is this? This is...

Man, this is ridiculous, man.

Can I say... Can I say the company's name?