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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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TOUR GUIDE:
Miami University of Ohio
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00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,735
is so excited
to have you here.
4
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:40,637
Just over there is the stadium
where you'll be giving
your commencement address.
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00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:43,911
Oh boy, I just gotta say
this is a remarkable honor.
6
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,651
You didn't think
you were going
to Miami, Florida, did you?
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00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:47,907
Now why would
I think that, huh?
8
00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:49,615
I'd have to be a moron
to think that.
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00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,647
You school is called
Miami of Ohio.
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00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,852
My plane ticket
was to Oxford, Ohio.
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00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,494
Did you think I would
just get on a plane
12
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,259
without even having any idea
where I was going?
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00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,928
ANNOUNCER:
This is the final callfor flight 1760...
14
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,587
Ohio?
15
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,525
Well, some people
get confused.
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00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:05,061
Man, those people are morons,
17
00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:07,396
and I feel sorry for them.
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00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:08,931
MARQUESS: What are you doing?
19
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:11,736
Mike said we could
solve a mystery
while he's gone.
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00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,809
Well, shouldn't we wait
for Yung?
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Uh, she's trying to
thaw a piece of chicken.
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00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:18,443
She said to start with...
Without her.
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00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,046
She said,
"I should run point."
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00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,407
She said,
"Run point on this one."
Her words!
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00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,346
I can't tell
if you're being serious
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00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:27,391
but for some reason,
I believe you, you're
selling it. Read the note.
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"You made bet, you lose bet,
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"you don't pay money,
I take girl."
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00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:35,193
That sounds less
like a mystery
and more like a threat.
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00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,396
Oh, it is a threat.
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You know my friend Gregor?
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00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:39,629
Umm... Should I?
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00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,633
Certainly.
He's a famous gangster.
34
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,565
Like, he does
serious horrible stuff.
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-Murder, human trafficking...
-(GASPS)
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00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:48,569
But, also stuff
that shouldn't even
be illegal.
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00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,106
Like gambling and drugs.
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00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:53,281
So, a flawed human being,
just like the rest of us.
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00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,580
I think he wrote that note.
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00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,182
So is that note for you?
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00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:57,553
Did he take Yung?
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00:01:57,551 --> 00:02:00,591
Huh? Oh, well,
I hadn't considered that.
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00:02:00,588 --> 00:02:02,858
Uh, well, you know,
44
00:02:02,857 --> 00:02:05,517
that, that, that might be
what this is about.
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00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,026
Now that I think about it,
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00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:10,097
I, uh, I remember I put
20 grand on the Sugar Bowl
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00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,857
and then some freshman kicker
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00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:15,466
misses a
three-yard field goal.
(LAUGHS)
49
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,599
College kids,
they're so stupid.
50
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:20,505
And now a human trafficker
has Yung?
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00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,208
We have to call the police.
52
00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:25,539
Oh, no, no, no.
He just wants his money.
We can do this on our own.
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00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,576
No, we should call Michael.
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00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:31,981
Oh, no way. Mike trusted us
to take care of his daughter,
and you failed.
55
00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:34,686
What? How did I fail?
I didn't do anything.
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00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:38,088
Oh, well, come on now,
this is just a bunch
of he said, she said.
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The point is,
we can get her back
without involving Mike.
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00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:42,858
Okay, fine!
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00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:45,103
Just call Gregor
and let's get
this thing settled.
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00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:49,226
You think the kids
at Miami of Ohio ever get mad
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00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:51,166
that the other
Miami University
doesn't have to,
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00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:53,772
have to say "Miami of Florida"
in their school name?
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00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,814
-I don't care, focus!
-No, no, I should.
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00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:59,009
And I'm not gonna pretend
that "he said, she said" thing
wasn't offensive.
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00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,513
(LAUGHING)
No, it was pretty offensive.
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00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,115
Gregor, it's me.
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Do you have Yung Hee?
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00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:06,919
This is your fault
as much as mine.
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00:03:06,921 --> 00:03:09,691
I have a gambling problem,
you're an enabler.
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00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,190
Who are the Spurs
playing tonight, by the way?
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00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:14,363
Really, I'll take them
and the points.
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-Pigeon!
-Huh?
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Listen, Gregor, we need
Yung Hee back.
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Great!
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-He's gonna give her back?
-Absolutely!
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On an unrelated note, uh,
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do you have $20,000?
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MIKE: Red leather,
yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather,
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red yellow leather...
(STAMMERS)
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00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:33,513
Red... Oh God.
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MAN: Excuse me, Mr. Tyson,
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can I get a copy
of your speech
to put in the teleprompter?
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I didn't write a speech,
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I'm gonna speak
extemporaneously
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from my heart.
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00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:45,160
Peter pepper
picked the pepper, piper...
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00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:46,929
Peter... Oh, God.
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00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,557
PIGEON: What about his
championship belt?
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It's gotta be worth 20 grand.
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He wears sweat pants,
he doesn't need a belt.
91
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:55,573
No! He worked
his whole life for that.
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00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,969
Oh, wow. I don't understand
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00:03:57,972 --> 00:04:00,142
why you don't
wanna get Yung back.
94
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:02,010
Why are you so anti-Yung?
95
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,839
No, I'm not
doing this with you.
96
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,914
Here, we'll take
one of his Rolexes.
97
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,213
He has eight,
maybe he won't notice.
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00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,775
-PIGEON: Is it because
you hate Asians?
-Stop it.
99
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,684
-Huh? What's the matter
with Asians?
-No!
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00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,646
-I'm seriously asking
the question. Why?
-Well, I'm not answering!
101
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,045
-Why do you hate
Asian people?
-Stop it!
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00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,116
Come on now!
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00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:19,931
GREGOR: Ah, yes!
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You will be big hit
at tonight's party!
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You won't be needing
these anymore.
106
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The second my dad finds out
where I am, you're dead.
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(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
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You make me laugh.
109
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Thank you for that.
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(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
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YUNG: Dad!
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TV ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to our live coverage
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of the Miami Universitycommencement address
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given tonight by Mike Tyson.
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I hope he's not nervous.
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ANNOUNCER:
And thanks for tuning into the Commencement Channel.
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Seriously. We didn't thinkanybody would ever watch.
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PIGEON: Now listen.
Gregor may get spooked by you,
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00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:58,325
so just hang by the bar
and let me handle this.
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Gimme the Rolex.
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00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:04,399
What do you want drink?
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00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,635
Hmm? Oh.
No, thank you, I'm fine.
Just waiting for a friend.
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Four drink minimum.
124
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,313
Four? My God!
125
00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:13,052
Okay, I'll take four waters.
126
00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:15,249
No deal.
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00:05:15,249 --> 00:05:16,619
Ah, come on, Gregor.
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I can't leave here
without the girl.
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No deal!
130
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:23,318
Well, that's an ugly side
I didn't think he had.
131
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What happened? Where's Yung?
132
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Oh. Okay, listen.
Yung Hee?
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00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,926
Um, well, she's dead.
134
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:33,301
-Oh my God! What?
-I know.
135
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,830
-In many ways, it's a tragedy.
-(GASPING)
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00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,466
-We have to call Michael.
-No!
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00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:39,101
No, a phone call's
too impersonal.
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00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:42,766
Let's go home,
and we'll Skype him.
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00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,806
Hello graduates
of Ohio University in Miami.
140
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,876
(CHEERING ON TV)
141
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,982
-Looks like your friend
cannot afford you.
-Shh!
142
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:54,045
I bet you guys think
I'm gonna talk to you
143
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:57,594
about getting back up
after getting knocked down
in life.
144
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,591
But I'm not.
145
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:02,033
I'm gonna talk to you
about hats.
146
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,629
Not those square hats
like the one
you guys are wearing,
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00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:08,001
which, by the way,
I can't believe you're all
wearing the same hat.
148
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,941
(CHUCKLES)
That is tripping
me out, man.
149
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:14,238
Does everybody here
wear the same hat in Miami?
150
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:17,381
It's like a square hat
with a string.
151
00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:21,048
I never, ever in my life
seen a hat like that.
152
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:25,048
Are you all wearing
the same clothes too?
153
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,092
Is this some kind
of religious school?
154
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,717
What the (BLEEP)
is going on here?
155
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,663
I love Mike Tyson.
156
00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:33,058
I'll be her guide.
157
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,690
I'll find her
in the spirit world
and guide her.
158
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,185
Oh, she must be so scared!
159
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:38,196
Yes, yes.
But don't rush that though.
160
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:40,598
You have to give her
some time to adjust
to the spirit world.
161
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:43,641
You know, maybe we should
hold off telling Mike
for a bit too.
162
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,737
What? No!
He has to know
as soon as possible.
163
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,640
Ah! God! I have to pee.
164
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,342
I drank four waters
in two minutes.
165
00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:52,644
-Well, why'd you drink that?
-What do mean why?
166
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:53,806
I paid for them.
167
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,614
Oh my god, you're so cheap.
168
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,046
-What, are you gonna run out
of ghost dollars?
-Oh, stop it.
169
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:00,551
I have to go to the bathroom.
I'm gonna explode!
170
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,224
Let's go in here.
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00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:05,222
MARQUESS:
Oh, that's not predictable.
172
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:07,555
Okay, Tingle, how much
for a lap dance?
173
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:08,891
Where's your lap?
174
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:11,726
Ha ha ha!
Trust me, we'll figure it out!
175
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,472
-Thirty.
-Oh, yeah?
176
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:16,127
How much for you
to come live with me
and my ghost friend,
177
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,766
and pretend to be Mike Tyson's
18-year-old daughter?
178
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:19,942
For how long?
179
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,070
The rest of your life.
180
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,214
It's 10,000
for a lifetime move-in.
181
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,780
Can I have a dollar?
They have
a bathroom attendant.
182
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,849
I'm out of "ghost dollars."
183
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:30,378
Hang on,
I think Tingle can help us.
184
00:07:30,384 --> 00:07:32,724
Tingle? Her name is Tingle?
185
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,249
PIGEON: But it could be...
186
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,554
Yung Hee!
187
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:39,156
That is if you think
this watch is worth $10,000.
188
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,334
The hat I wanna speak of today
189
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,900
are invisible hats.
190
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,398
I'm wearing one right now.
191
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,770
You see, I used to wear
a fighting hat.
192
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,339
All my life I had it on.
193
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,837
And I was always fighting
because of my fighting hat.
194
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,810
And so everyone thinks,
"Mike Tyson,
he's just a fighter."
195
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,380
But one day I decided
to take that hat off
196
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:02,249
and now I wear my new hat.
Can you see it?
197
00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:05,753
It's a mystery solving hat.
198
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:09,022
Like the kind
Sherlock Holmes wears,
but it's invisible.
199
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:13,122
So it doesn't itch,
or look like I'm wearing
a (BLEEP) costume.
200
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:17,626
And so now,
instead of getting into fights
because of my fighting hat,
201
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,531
I solve mysteries,
202
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:24,273
because I'm wearing
the same kinda hat
that Sherlock Holmes wears.
203
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:27,271
My point is that
you can wear a hat
for a very long time
204
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,374
and everyone think
that's who you are.
205
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:32,306
But it's just a hat
you're wearing,
you can take it off.
206
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:36,952
In fact, hats are the easiest
items of clothing to take off.
207
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,980
You have been students
your whole life.
208
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,186
It's time to take
those hats off.
209
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,118
Take 'em off, throw 'em away,
210
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,993
because you're not
students anymore,
211
00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,692
you graduated!
212
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,793
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
213
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:51,025
Damn, I didn't mean
literally take them off.
214
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,931
College kids are so stupid!
215
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,874
-(CHEERING ON TV)
-(TV TURNS OFF)
216
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,739
-You are free, you can leave.
-What?
217
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,869
No more human trafficking,
218
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,784
it's time for me
to wear a new hat.
219
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:06,037
What hat will I wear?
220
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,506
The sky is the limit!
221
00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:12,015
GREGOR:
I've never been so happy
in my life!
222
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,389
YUNG:
I knew my dad would save me.
223
00:09:17,356 --> 00:09:20,886
This is ridiculous!
It won't work!
She's not a goldfish.
224
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,734
Well, maybe he won't
ask for her.
225
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:25,999
And if he does,
we can have her stand
far away.
226
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,899
-(SKYPE CHIMES)
-Oh, we're up!
227
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,771
Hey, fellas.My commencement speechwas great. Did you see it?
228
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,371
Ah, man, we missed it.
229
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,572
Yeah, turns out,
230
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:35,214
you don't have the
Commencement Channel here.
231
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,678
Man that seems ludicrous.
232
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,037
I'll call the cable companyin the morning.
233
00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:41,382
Where's Yung Hee?
234
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:44,181
I can't be party to this.
Michael, your daughter is...
235
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:47,524
-Hi, Dad!
-Hi, Yung!What are you wearing?
236
00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:49,091
Huh? What's that, Mike?
237
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,619
What? We can barely hear you.
238
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,394
Thank God you're alive!
239
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,492
Who told you I was dead?
240
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:57,604
Well, Gregor
strongly implied it,
241
00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:02,368
and we had to start
the healing process
for ourselves.
242
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:04,499
Ugh.
243
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,614
Ahh!
244
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,109
Jesus (BLEEP) Christ!
245
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,946
Um, who's the woman
in my bedroom?
246
00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:21,652
That's... That's Tingle.
247
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:22,985
Who's Tingle?
248
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:25,160
Why, she is the newest member
249
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,728
of the
Mike Tyson Mystery Team!
250
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,488
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
251
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:52,322
Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather.
252
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,989
(SCATTING)
253
00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:00,985
(END THEME PLAYING)
19312
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