Original subtitles

This isn't my village. l wasn't born here.

ln fact, we're in the Maritime Alps.

The French Alps are to the left and the ltalian Alps are to the right.

So what? you're saying? But it's obvious.

The natural border dividing the two countries is very extensive.

There it is! But why does it zig zag all over the place?

For a simple reason. Everything ltalian must stay in ltaly,

and everything French must stay in France.

To each his own, as the saying goes.

Anyway, everyone knows that a French tree...

looks nothing like an ltalian one,

and an ltalian hill has nothing in common with a French one.

However, that village down there that the ltalians call Assola...

...and the French call Assola where l've lived for many years

is half French and half ltalian because...

the natural border runs through the middle, cutting it in two.

just as it cuts in two the hotel called ''The Two Borders'' ,

where guests may end up sleeping...

...with their head in France and their feet in ltaly,

and where the mosquitoes enjoy the privilege of dual nationality.

Everything's fine in Assola, and everyone gets on with their life.

Take today, for example. On the French side it's a national holiday

while for us ltalians, it's an ordinary day.

Everyone's working, from the farmer...

...to the shepherd...

...to the self-employed like your truly.

Between you and me, the border is a wonderful invention.

Naturally, it would be much better if there were no Customs officers,

especially...

the French sergeant Ferdinando Pastorelli...

who's known me for a long time...

and whom l affectionately consider my best enemy.

But as a local proverb says:

There's always a worm in the pear and an officer at the border.

My goodness!

lt's disappeared!

Are there ghosts around here? lt's incredible!

Ferdinand!

-How's it going? -Very well, Giuseppe.

What are you doing here?

l'm taking a stroll.

What's in here?

ln there? Water.

- Water? - Yes.

Holy water for St.Michael's monastery.

Holy water?

- lt's brandy. - You don't say! Brandy?

- Taste it. - You're right!

lt's a miracle! St Michael's performed a miracle.

Thank you, St. Michael. St Michael's performed a miracle.

Listen up, people! lt's incredible but true.

No, it's not a miracle.

lt's an old joke. l told you it, don't you remember?

What? Really? Then it's not a miracle?

lt's not a miracle. There's been a misunderstanding! Don't move!

- lt is not a miracle! - Stop, Giuseppe!

Where did that idiot go? Stop, Giuseppe! Giuseppe!

< Ferdinand: Stop! Giuseppe!

Giuseppe? Giuseppe? Stop! Stop!

You know l'll catch you.

You'll be sorry. Resisting arrest will cost you dearly.

Giuseppe, stop! lf you take one more step, l'll shoot.

You know me. l aim straight. First warning!

One, two - -

Be quiet! The sign!

- What? - The sign says ''Silence!''

Speak louder!

ROCKS FALLlNG

You scoundrel! You always find an excuse.

Giuseppe, give yourself up. You're surrounded.

Stop! You told a lie.

Look at that.

What about it?

You can't arrest me here because this is ltaly.

Are you mad? You know this bridge could collapse.

- Come on before you get hurt. - Stop!

- lt would be a causus belli. - A what?

- lt's Latin. - Latin? l see.

Come on. Just a little jump.

Me jump there? You're nuts!

- l'm staying here. - Fine! l've plenty of time.

l'm not in a hurry.

Aren't you going down to the village to watch the parade?

You're right! The parade!

Listen, aren't you the one who plays the drum in the parade?

No, my friend. l've never played the drum.

- l'm the flag-bearer. - Oh! Excuse me!

l've never played the drum.

Help!

- Good Lord! - Call the fire brigade!

Call an ambulance! Call the mountain guides!

l'm not insured! l need help.

Save me, Ferdinand, l beg you. Save me!

l can't. l must go back to France.

Don't leave me here. Think of my children.

Don't l have a child too?

Yes, but l have four who eat as much as eight. Ferdinand!

Very well. Just as a favor.

Ouch! Ouch! My bones!

- Thank God we ran into each other. - lf l hadn't run into you,

- l wouldn't be here. - Take my hand.

- My bones! Help! - Hold on tight.

- Hold on very tight! - l'm holding on tight.

You idiot! The demijohn!

lf that's all that counts, l'm leaving.

Help! Pull me up!

- l'm so scared! - Stay calm.

- Am l acting scared? - What a fright!

l'm so scared!

- What did you eat this morning? - Onions.

Couldn't you have coffee and milk like everyone else?

Giuseppe: Qui non si tocca!

Ferdinand, my feet don't touch the ground. lt's dangerous.

- Help! - You're in a pickle, now.

Smuggling, resisting arrest - -

You'll get at least three months in jail.

You intend to arrest me on ltalian soil?

What right have you? This is abuse of power.

Who asked you to intervene?

Who asked me to intervene? Did you just call for help?

lf everyone who calls for help got arrested, we be in a fine mess.

OK. l'll throw you back down there.

No! l surrender!

Come on! You're surrendering? Your hat!

- My goodness, what a fright. - You should be ashamed.

- lf you scare easily, change jobs. - My goodness!

Would you mind starting over? My brother didn't see anything.

Let me go. l know why you arrested me.

- Right, for swindling. - No, for revenge.

You've never forgiven me for having married your first wife.

You're out of your mind.

You think that because you married my first wife,

you have the right to smuggle goods with impunity.

That would be too easy! Feelings are feelings,

but the law is the law.

Oh, Ferdinand!

l can't believe my eyes. They're having the parade without me?

lt's your fault. Come on! Move!

What are you running for? Come on! Hurry! Move it!

One, two! One, two!

Keep over to the right. Don't step beyond the border.

Close ranks. Don't step beyond the border.

Stay close to the sidewalk. Don't step over the border.

Careful! Close in! Close in!

Close in to avoid stepping over the border.

lt's his fault. l caught him smuggling cognac.

lt was my duty, as you well know.

l can't speak for Customs officers, but for us, punctuality is vital!

- Close ranks! - You're right. But - -

- Giuseppe, where are you going? - To the Bastille.

- Giuseppe, have you become French? - l've had to.

Haven't we made enough of a spectacle?

Come along! lf you act like that l'll take you to jail.

- Then l'll pay the fine. - Do you have the cash?

No, but l can give you an lOU, or l can go home and get it.

You go home, have a cup of coffee and a shower, while you're at it.

What have you taken me for? Come on, keep moving!

- How suspicious you are! - Hey, Dad! Have you been drafted?

Come here! Come - -

Keep moving!

- What's up, Dad? - Ask your mother 20,000 liras.

20,000 liras after everything you put me through? Bring 50,000 liras.

What prices! Go!

That's how private enterprise gets stifled.

You're a real chip off the old block.

- What have you got against my dad? - Nothing.

No one knows who he is.

The opposite of yours ln Naples his photo hung in every police station.

Of course. He was photogenic.

Then you're nothing like him.

Hey, Dad, did someone steal your flag?

l want to be an ex-soldier too.

Later on! lf you're a good boy.

Your second wife isn't bad.

Don't start! lsn't my first one enough for you?

Daddy? Mom wants to know what you need the money for.

Tell your mother that if he doesn't pay his fine, l'll put him in jail.

- ls that true, Daddy? - ln a way it is. Go, now!

Hey! Keep time!

Attention. Platoon, halt!

Rompete le righe!

- Fall out! - Hey! Calm down. Don't be rough!

Where were you? What happened?

l caught him red-handed.

You have one year to catch him. Did you have to choose this day?

Actually, chief, it was he who chose it.

Come with me now. We'll talk about it after the reception.

So, funny guy. are we parading with a toy pistol this year?

- l can explain. - Last year, you nearly blew up

a bishop with the fireworks. Today, the Honorable Bonnefont,

almost had to watch the confusion caused by your late arrival.

These things mustn't happen ever again in our police force.

- They won't. - He's right.

- Use your head sometimes. - Never while l'm on duty. Move!

- No need to be so rough! - That's my style. Move!

Darn it! He got caught.

- Giuseppe! - Yes?

Where's the demijohn?

Mrs. Demijohn sends her apologies. She wasn't able to come.

She had a fall and was seriously hurt.

No!

Yes! l saw her myself. She had a nasty fall, poor thing.

l grabbed hold of Giuseppe just in time.

- Did you know her? - Me? Oh, no.

- Did you? - Me? No.

- He didn't either. - That's a pity.

She was lovely; on the heavy side but full of spirit.

Silence, please! Silence, please!

Silence!

My dear fellow citizens, let's raise our glasses...

to the prosperity of our beloved little town...

...which today, as yesterday, and in every circumstance,

has proved worthy of its glorious past.

He's good, isn't he?

You're here! l'm delighted to drink to the health of an honest man.

- Thank you. - l'm not talking about you,

- but Ferdinand. - Forgive me.

The more l look at you, the more you resemble your dear late mother.

- What a pity! - Do you want a smack?

l thought his mother was a good-looking woman, while...

ldiot! Don't joke about my mother. She was a saint, wasn't she?

You can't find barmaids like her any more.

She was pretty, kind and so discreet and religious.

These ltalian women are all alike.

She never wanted to marry. She preferred to bring you up alone,

She was just like my dear mother, who pushed me onto the straight.

Evidently, she didn't push you very hard.

- Your health, Donadieu. - And yours.

lf she can see you from up there, she's certainly pleased with you.

- You're right. - Bottoms up!

- Your health, chief. - And yours.

lmagine! Only 20 years on the force and l've already made sergeant.

When you think about it, it's really fantastic.

You're right. You're chalking up a great career.

- Yes, l admit it myself. - l'm proud of you, son,

because in a way, l brought you into the world, didn't l?

Yes, it's true.

You can't know, chief. Guess where l was born.

- l don't know. - Try and guess, chief.

- l don't know. - l'll give you a hint.

l was born in your kit... kit...

ln your kit bag.

No, chief, let's not exaggerate. ln your kitchen.

- What? - What's up?

- You were born in the kitchen? - Yes, ask Donadieu.

lt's funny, isn't it?

Funnier than you think.

- What do think of it, chief? - Me?

l find it very amusing.

- He was born in the kitchen. - He's easily amused.

- Renato, come here! - Come over!

Did you bring the money?

Mom says it's better that you go to jail.

Did you hear that? The joy of having a family!

Listen, who advised you to divorce your first wife?

You wanted her and you got her. Now, she's your problem.

Why are you laughing?

l'm laughing because l'm about to take you to prison.

Me?

Does going to jail make you laugh?

- l'm not laughing for that. - Then for what?

l'm laughing because you were born in the kitchen.

And the kitchen is worse than jail.

- No it isn't. No it isn't. - Yes it is.

- No! - Yes! Wise up!

l assure you jail is worse than the kitchen.

The kitchen is worse than jail.

Goodbye.

Hey! Where are you going?

- Home. To my house. - To your cell, you mean.

No ,no, no! You don't have the right to arrest me.

You don't even have the right to be a Customs officer.

You're not even French!

- So - - - l'm not French?

You were born in the kitchen.

Where is the kitchen? ln ltaly. Look!

- So what? - Let's examine the issue.

You were born in ltaly...

...of an ltalian mother and unidentified father.

- So, what are you? - French.

No way! You're ltalian.

Are you crazy? Me, ltalian?

Why? ls it dishonor to be ltalian?

lt's no dishonor to be ltalian. l respect the ltalians.

You're saying l'm ltalian because l was born in a kitchen.

So if l'd been born in a stable, l'd be a horse?

- No, you'd be an ass. - An ass?

Keep your cool, Pastorelli! No fighting!

- No, Giuseppe's right. - He's undoubtedly ltalian.

l'm ltalian? l don't have the right to wear this uniform?

- l can't arrest you? - No!

l'll show you whether l can or l can't.

Come on! You're going to jail, you scoundrel.

How do you see this matter, Mayor? lt's just a joke, isn't it?

l hope so.

All you ltalians are like that. As soon as you go abroad,

you treat your fellow countrymen shoddily.

That's enough! Be quiet.

Thank the Lord l'm in uniform, otherwise l'd show you.

- What did you say? - Me? Nothing.

Then be quiet!

What? Very well. Come on.

- Move! - Manners! Manners!

You're back again? You just waltz in as if this were a tavern?

- l'm here on official duty. - You don't have the right.

- Be quiet! - You'll see.

First, l've a question. A man born in ltaly of an ltalian

mother and unidentified father, what is he?

Wait a moment. Let me think.

Born in ltaly, ltalian mother...

...unidentified father... He's ltalian.

- ltalian? - See you around!

- Are you sure he's ltalian? - Certain. Any other questions?

lf the birth was registered in the French town hall,

- what is he? - What is he?

This is a little more difficult. Born in ltaly, ltalian mother,

unidentified father but registered in the French town hall?

- Correct. Registered in France. - He's French.

He's French! See?

Where is he?

Mom, Daddy's back.

- Good morning, Daddy. - Good morning, children.

So they didn't put you in jail, today?

- What have you brought me? - Don't stifle me, son.

l'm tired. l've come back from abroad.

Good morning, dear. Everything OK?

- Where's Marisa? - ln the store.

So, you didn't really get a fine. lt was just an excuse to get money.

l'm going to wash my hands and l'll be back.

Sure, l find money growing on trees.

l have a hard time making ends meet and every day brings new outlays.

- Really? - Don't you know the children need

- new smocks for school? -No.

Did you know l had to call a plumber to fix the kitchen tap?

2,000 liras. Did you hear me?

And you have the courage to ask me for 50,000 liras.

- You made another fruitless trip, - Partially.

- Why have you come home so late? - What time is it?

- Two o'clock. - My goodness!

That's why l was feeling so hungry.

My little honey, look. What have we here?

Antoinette, what's going on?

Did you all polish it off?

We weren't expecting you. We thought you were in prison.

You could have put my share to one side.

What if you were inside for 1 0 days?

lt's incredible. A poor guy who works honestly all day long...

...trying to get round the law comes home to find...

...only a fish skeleton to eat.

lt's not fair! Darn it! l'll give you a slap.

Here, have this.

What? A boiled egg?

- A boiled egg? - Yes, it's a boiled egg.

You know l absolutely can't stand French cooking.

l see you're at it again. Didn't you hear what l told you?

- Daddy, Mario wanted to buy - - - Yes, l wanted to buy - -

Did you want to buy a calendar? Here it is.

- There you are. - Actually - -

- Actually it costs 500 liras. - 500 liras!

- Daddy! - Be quiet!

Send your friends to me because l've a large stock to sell.

Here you are. 500 liras. Thank you. Good evening, Miss.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.

Daddy, it was a 1 9 5 1 calendar.

Correct! An antique calendar is more valuable, isn't it?

Let this be the last time. l told you not to get into bad company.

- But he's a fine young man. - Yes, but he wears a uniform.

Policemen, carabinieri, rangers are all tarred with the same brush.

Now, get out of my sight.

Giuseppe!

What did you say to Marisa to make her cry?

Come and see that idiot who was your first husband.

Did you see that?

Think of the risk you ran, dear daughter of mine.

That man could have been your father.

You S.O.B., l'm going to set you a fine trap.

l'll write an official report and if you set foot in France,

you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Chief, l don't have a single pen that works. How are we to wipe out

... crime if headquarters don't supply us with the proper weapons?

Pastorelli, don't send any report to headquarters for the moment.

- ls that an order? - No, it's a piece of advice.

- l see. - Look at this.

You remember article 2, don't you?

Enlistment in the French Customs police...

... is permitted to French citizens only. lt's clear, isn't it?

Am l not a citizen? Be rasonable, Chief. You can't give the same...

... credence to the slander of a wretched smuggler...

... and the word of a French Customs officer.

What l mean is you know me, Chief.

l do, but at headquarters, they're not obliged to believe...

...the word of individual officers,

...but only their stamped, signed certificates.

So, now you are formally obliged to prove your nationality.

- Bring me the birth certificate. - The birth certificate?

- Whose? - Whose? Yours.

ls this a piece of advice? - No, it's an order!

l see.

Giuseppe, if l get hold of you - -

Excuse me, Chief. l'll be right back.

He's no Customs officer. He's a sprinter.

CAREFUL! WET PAlNT

May l come in?

l respectfully wish you good day, Mayor.l'm sorry to disturb you.

Oh, Pastorelli, come on in.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor. l'll only keep you a minute.

lf it's possible, l'd like a birth certificate.

Actually, we were just looking into your case.

- Unfortunately - - - Why unfortunately?

A mistake was made in the entry in the register.

- A forgery. - What kind of forgery?

-ls my name in the register or not? -Yes, it's here all right.

- That's the mistake. - The forgery.

The person who wrote it didn't have the right to do so.

- Didn't have the right? - No!

You weren't born in the Maritime Alps but the province of Cuneo.

l'm from Cuneo too. l live in Piazza Garibaldi.

- Pleased to meet you. - Excuse me.

Just a moment, Mr. Mayor. Let's be frank.

Do l sound like someone from the province of Cuneo? This joke...

has gone on long enough. l was born where l was born and l'm French.

That's what you say.

l know why you two are playing this joke on me.

You're both smugglers. l've caught you red-handed more than once,

and now you want to cause problems for me, don't you?

l forbid you to make such comments. Rastier and l are town councilors.

What a glowing reference!

- Excuse me, Mr. Mayor. - Calm down, Pastorelli.

Remember today's a holiday and while the others are out...

... enjoying themselves, we've come here to help you.

l apologize.

So, what have you decided?

- That we can't help you. - You can't?

Article 1 4 5 of the penal code.

Any Record Office official...

...who knowingly issues a false certificate...

is liable, according to Law number etcetera, etcetera...

Why ''etcetera, etcetera'' ?

Please listen! Will be liable to 5 to 1 0 years' hard labor.

- No. - You know better than me.

- The law... - ...is the law.

You see, my friend, l can't issue you a birth certificate...

...because Donadieu shouldn't have registered you here...

- but in the ltalian Town Hall. - Donadieu?

- Donadieu? Gaspare Donadieu? - Naturally. His signature's here.

Go and have it out with him.

l will! l'll find a way out of this mess, mark my words.

- Donadieu, where are you? - ls that you, Ferdinand?

What's up?

lt's shameful! While you're here sticking labels on bottles,

because of you a poor guy no longer knows where he was born.

- What are you talking about? - Don't interrupt me.

Why did you register me in the French Town Hall?

- Me? - Yes you. When l was born.

- When you were born? - Correct.

You see, it was raining that day.

So what?

Since the French Town Hall is closer than the ltalian one - -

lf there'd been a hailstorm, that day,

you'd have registered me around the corner, at the bowls club.

Are you forgetting that thanks to me you've been French for 4 5 years?

So what?

lnstead of coming here to protest furiously, you should thank me.

Thank you.

Would you mind telling me what'll happen now l know l'm an ltalian?

Well, you're not alone. There are 48 million of you.

l know. They can do without me.

But did you have to bring me into the world in a kitchen? Me?

Surrounded by those smells...

... of garlic and fried fish. Does that seem respectable to you?

- lt was the day of the fair. - The day of the fair?

Yes. People were sleeping even in bathrooms.

You could have waited till a room was free.

Oh, l'm sorry. lf l'd known, l'd have made a reservation.

What need was there to tell you were born in a kitchen?

lt usually made people laugh.

l can assure you that no one was laughing that evening...

...least of all your poor mother.

She was clenching her teeth so as not to scream.

On this very table.

- On this very table? - When you let out your first yell,

l picked you up...like this.

l wrapped you in a tablecloth and showed you to everyone.

You were so cute, then,

and so small. You didn't have any teeth then.

- You've changed since that day. - lt's true. Now...

with everything that's happening to me, l'll have to start over.

Do you have to smother everything in oil? Have you taken me...

for a sewing machine? Only a steak with butter isn't fattening.

How come you're not running any more? Are you tired?

What's the problem?

An error at the Record Office. He's no longer French.

- What is he? - He's ltalian.

Your papers, please.

They're forged perfectly.

No, they're authentic. lt's me who's a phony.

- lt doesn't look like that. - But it's true.

- You were a good soldier. - Yes, l was.

You can keep your Army passbook. lt proves nothing.

lt proves at least that l did my duty.

By mistake. You're a veteran,

but that doesn't mean

Unauthorized wearing of the uniform, false identity - -

l advise you to go and regularize your position immediately.

- Where? - ln your country, ltaly.

What'll l tell my wife?

ls it ready?

- Come round the back. - Very well.

Delighted to see you again.

Thank you. The pleasure's all mine.

- What's in here? - What?

What's in here? More holy water?

How do l know?

- Where did you find it? - Where did l find it?

Wait!

Nice! What is it, eau-de-cologne?

No, it's the essence of a perfume fermented naturally.

My nose tells me that is worth 1 million 500 thousand francs.

Shall we check?

- 5,000 francs. - Stop!

- 1 0,000 francs. - Stop! Please don't ruin me.

Haven't you ruined me? Take a good look at me.

You look fine! lt's a great suit.

l don't like your look only when you're in your Customs uniform.

You'll see l'll look even better dressed as a convict.

- Why? - Why? Why?

Because l'm going to break this bottle over your head.

No! Don't hit me with the bottle. lt's not mine.

Give me a blow to the head. l have a nice heavy hammer.

You disgust me. You're not a man.

- You're a lousy - - - What's all this racket going on?

Have you finished? The children are sleeping.

- You! What are you doing here? - l was passing by so - -

How dare you appear in your nightdress in front of a foreigner.

Me, a foreigner? l was her first husband. l knew her before you did.

- Without the nightdress. - Go up to your room.

- Stand to attention! March! - At the double!

lf you wake up the children, l'll kick you both out, is that clear?

- Crystal clear. - Don't worry.

- Good night, dear. - Good night.

- Now, we'll settle this issue. - Are you in trouble?

- You have the audacity to ask! - Calm down.

l'll fix everything, whatever it costs.

-You will? -Of course. l know loads of people.

Big fish, small fry, people in between, even minor players.

lmagine! l know the brother-in-law

of the cousin of the janitor of a sacristan.

- What use to me is a sacristan? - What use is a sacristan?

A foolish question! What kind of an ltalian are you?

l want to be French.

- First, you must become ltalian. - ltalian? Why?

So you can then become a naturalized Frenchman.

- But how? - First of all,

you must obtain italian documents,

because right now, you're nothing. You're no one. You don't exist.

You're not even here.

Ouch! Who was that?

Me. So do l exist or not?

l've the impression you do.

l'll ask those two to act as witnesses.

lt's a lovely day today, isn't it?

But it's a pity the sky is turning a little cloudy.

- Excuse me, what's the time? - Don't beat about the bush.

lf you need two witnesses, for a fee, we're available.

Young whippersnappers!

- 1 00 liras each? - Two hundred.

Follow me. Ferdinand, it's all fixed.

l had to barter with them. Five thousand liras for the pair.

Payment in advance.

You don't want anything?

- You're doing me a big favor. - That's what friends are for.

Mr. Ferdinand Pastorelli. The two witnesses.

-Montanari Ugo. -Bellocci Vincenzo.

Old friends of yours.

Ah, right! Pleased to meet you. Listen, this isn't legal.

l hope you're not asking us to give false testimony.

Listen, Ferdinand, were you born on ltalian soil or not?

- l was. - See? lt's not false testimony.

What a pity!

They want double the fee for false testimony.

What a generation!

- Good evening, Pastorelli. - Good evening.

- lt's all fixed. l'm ltalian now. lt was foreseeable.

You started by leaving the flag with the coach driver and then...

Tell the coach driver not to start getting ideas. l'll be French soon.

Really? Because you think - - Where are you going?

-Excuse me. -You're thinking of changing often?

l know these things don't happen in the police.

Naturally! lf all the French did what you've done - -

They'd all be ltalian. Excuse me.

You can go. We'll see about your residence permit later.

- Chief! - Good evening.

- Show me your papers. - But you know me.

- That's why l'm asking. - No problem!

Oh, welcome back. dear colleague.

Colleague. l wish l were but it's no longer the word to use.

For me, you're simply on leave.

- You're too kind. - Come and see.

Your desk is waiting for you, just as you left it.

My dear, faithful pen! My fines book!

The holster for my revolver!

Naturally! lt's as if you were still one of us.

- l'll soon be back on duty. - l hope so.

Excuse me. Where are you going?

- Me? - Yes, you.

- What do you want? - What's in that case?

- What case? - Don't act smart with me. Open it!

- This one? - Yes.

You've a pajama like mine.

- Just a coincidence. - Goodbye.

Wait for me, Ferdinando.

- See? There are no smuggled goods. - That's a first! Off you go.

- Sorry to disappoint you. - Get out of here!

Wait for me, Ferdinand. Don't go so fast.

Wait for me, Ferdinand.

Sorry, but l'm so anxious to see my family again.

With all this excitement you must be tired. l'll carry it for you.

No, leave it. l'll never forget how much you helped me.

lt was my pleasure. Let go! l'll carry it.

- This isn't my case. - What's happened?

With all the confusion, they got mixed up.

- What's in here? - Well, we have the same pajama.

They're just a gift for my maternal aunt.

Just a few pairs of silk stockings.

ls your aunt a centipede?

Oh, my dear Pastorelli,

l'm so pleased to see you again.

- Likewise, Mr. Mayor. - ls everything fixed up now?

- ln a way, it is. - l'm so happy for you.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye and thanks, Mr. Mayor.

Listen, Mr, Bourride, l think that it's not playing properly.

lt'll be some little fault. Don't worry about it, Deputy.

lt gets stuck on that note. lt's ruining my collection.

lf you can wait a moment, we'll repair it right away.

Jacques, repair this and be quick about it. The Deputy is waiting.

Please excuse me a moment.

Ferdinand, our Deputy's here. Come and tell him about your case.

No! He wouldn't be interested.

lt's his job to take an interest in things he's not interested in.

- lt could turn out useful. - Come on!

OK, l'll go but l feel ashamed.

There's no need to. Come on! lt's the perfect opportunity.

May l introduce my son-in-law, a sergeant in the Customs police?

The Customs police is the backbone of our nation.

Thank you very much, Deputy.

Why don't you tell the Deputy about that friend of yours?

Excuse me, Deputy, l need to ask you a favor.

- What is it? - lt's for a friend, a colleague...

...who has a problem with his civil status.

These things only happen in France.

Right! l've heard about it. The man born in the kitchen.

Precisely! A great guy!

He wants to know, after having obtained ltalian papers, legally- -

- Good! - They're all in order.

He want to know if he can acquire French nationality.

But your friend is a complete fool.

Ferdinand: No. lo lo conosco bene.

Onorevole: E' comunque un cretino.

- No, he's not. l know him well. - But he's still a real idiot.

You're jumping to conclusions.

Up until the court's decision, he was still French.

Applying for ltalian papers, he implicitly recognized that

he was a foreigner. That's why l say he's a fool, a real fool.

- Yes, but - - - l've always shared this opinion.

And you're right because your friend is now 1 00% ltalian.

And this is the problem.

What exactly is the problem? Being ltalian?

No, it's not that. lt's the fact he passed himself off as French.

This man risks being arrested for appropriation of identity.

For the falsification of documents.

- Are you absolutely sure? - You think l don't know the law?

l make the laws.

You could make them better. A law that makes a man look like an idiot

...when he's simply listened to his conscience!

- What about the family? - What family?

The idiot's wife and child.

Why? Does the idiot have a wife and child too?

Now, he doesn't have them any more.

What? What?

A false identity invalidates a marriage.

The wife is a spinster again and the child is illegitimate.

- Oh, My God! - lt's a disgrace!

Can France really have sunk so low?

Why are you getting so hot under the collar?

Now l get it!

- Are you the idiot? - No, it's not me.

lt's me, for giving him my daughter.

- The police! - Ferdinand!

lt's not the Deputy who's talking now, it's a friend. Take flight!

He's right! Escape! Hurry!

-Hel�ne! -Ferdinand!

l'm leaving but l'd prefer to stay.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Mr. Ferdinand Pastorelli. - He's not here.

- We haven't seen him. - That's a pity. We've come...

- to give him his residence permit. - His residence permit?

- We'll come back another time. - Goodbye.

What can l say?

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- ls Mr. Giuseppe La Paglia here? - Why?

- We just need some information. - Come on in.

This way.

l'll be off duty this evening from 7 to 9 o'clock.

- We never meet in the daytime. - lt's better, isn't it?

- What's going on? - Where's my father?

Daddy?

Here you are! Welcome back.

Did you have a good trip, Mr. Homing Pigeon?

Let's see what you've brought Uncle Giuseppe.

Saccharine. Fine! Thank you.

Let's see what we have here.

What have you brought Uncle Giuseppe? Lighter flints?

- Well done! - Daddy?

- Yes? What's up? - You have visitors.

Go! Off with you!

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- They're homing pigeons, right? - Sorry?

- l said they're homing pigeons. No, they're walking pigeons.

They take a stroll around the block and them come home.

We're here to gather information

on Mr. Ferdinando Pastorelli.

Ferdinando Pastorelli? Maybe it's better if we go into the house.

Go away, you ugly pigeons.

They're worse than kids, you know?

- What was that name? - Ferdinando Pastorelli.

The Prefecture in Turin wants to clarify a certain issue.

- The Prefecture? - Pastorelli's position is not...

... exactly clear. He lives in a village on the border, so - -

- l don't know him. - What? You don't know Pastorelli?

l'm not from here. l come from Naples. Go to your room. Move!

Mr. La Paglia it's actually only a formality.

l know. That's what people always say.

Then it turns out that this man, this - - What's his name?

- Pastorelli. - Pastorelli...

is a spy, a murderer, a criminal,

and you say: '' But Mr. La Paglia vouched for him.''

No, no, no! Nothing doing! l'm not getting involved.

My dear man - - What are you doing?

- l take down what you say. - l deny everything!

Do you want me to be sued? l didn't say a word.

But Mr La Paglia, you know Mr. Pastorelli. You can't deny it.

Good morning. What's up?

We want to know wether you two know Mr. Pastorelli.

What are you doing? Have you gone nuts?

Of course we know him. l was his first wife.

lf you want to stay out of trouble, you must answer all the questions

- ... you're asked. ls that clear? - Very clear.

Listen, l have a great idea.

l'll now send you a nice anonymous letter.

l'm unemployed.

- You're exaggerating. - l am unemployed.

l unlawfully claimed French nationality.

l've lost everything.

l've no longer a wife or child.

Come on! Cheer up! You'll remarry you wife and recognize your son.

Recognize my son?

A son who's the spitting image of his father...

and has been classified as the son of an unidentified father, like me?

- l'll throw myself in the river. - Don't be an idiot. Come on!

ldiot? l've been an idiot for a good while,

more precisely since the day l was born.

l started by arriving in the wrong place.

lt's important to be born on the right side of the border.

Excuse me.

Watch carefully. Here, you're an honest man and here, a rogue.

Unless it's the other way round.

Whether l'm on one side or the other of the border,

l'm always a fool. lt was the Deputy who told me,

and he's an expert on these issues

because he sees lots of fools every day.

Don't talk like that.

Giuseppe is a scoundrel.

- lf l catch him - - - Where are you going?

- l want to kill him straight away. What are you doing?

Calm down and have a seat.

l shouldn't have listened to my conscience...

...seeing the matter wasn't very clear.

l shouldn't have tried to respect the law.

- l can't take this any more. - Don't cry! Things will work out.

l'm an out and out fool. That's why l'm crying.

- Let me go, now. - Stay a while longer.

l want to go!

l want to go and have a sleep.

Excuse me, is Mr. Pastorelli here?

l'm Pastorelli.

- Come with me, please. - Where?

To the police station.

Come in.

Here he is! You good for nothing scoundrel,

- you deserve to go to jail. - Calm down, madam.

- Why? What have l done? - Come over here.

Pastorelli, you wore a uniform so you know the meaning of ''duty'' .

l certainly do. Apart from the uniform,

l know that one must do one's duty, even dressed only in underwear.

Oh, excuse me, dear.

We must clarify your position.

- Are you an ltalian citizen? - As well.

- Not ''as well'' . - Not ''as well'' .

You obtained ltalian papers therefore, you're ltalian.

These documents show that.

And since there's no divorce in ltaly, the lady...

Antonietta Parodi, Mrs. Pastorelli,

- is still your wife. - And l'm still her husband.

- Naturally. - l told you l'm Mrs. La Paglia.

And l thought l no longer had a wife!

But now, you have two. ln the eyes of the law, you're a bigamist.

- A bigamist? - Yes. These papers say so.

Then l'm a bigamist.

- And so is the lady. - Me?

She's a bigamist too?

Sorry, Antonietta.

l'm awaiting instructions from Cuneo.

For the moment, l'm unfortunately obliged to keep you here.

What? Are you going to put me in prison?

My dear lady, no one's allowed to ignore the law.

What about my children? l have four.

Right! That's the delicate part.

- Where's the Civil Code? - Here it is.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

According to the law, they're still yours and must have your name.

Right! That's what the law says.

What do l care what the law says?

l'm the honest mother of four children.

What's it got to do with me if this wretch did something stupid?

Put him in jail. l'm not going. lo non ci vado!

That's enough. The law is the law.

Put them in jail. Get out!

- Oh, My God! - Come on!

The ltalians are generous.

lf you lose a wife, they give you another.

lf you lose one child, they give you four.

Giuseppe gets nothing. No wife and no children.

Thank you, sergeant.

Good morning, Marisa.

Daddy, Mummy is at the police station.

Why?

They said they needed information, but she's been gone an hour.

We mustn't get familiar with the police. l knew it!

- Hey! Cuckold! - Who's that?

l'm up here.

Oh, it's you!

- Giuseppe the cuckold! - What are you doing up there?

- l'm in jail. Can't you see? - Really?

You enjoyed putting others behind behind bars,

but now it's your turn.

This is really funny!

lt's funnier than you think.

Wait! You're laughing because you're in prison?

No, l'm laughing because you're not in here.

lt's better to be outside than inside, isn't it?

That depends. ln your case, it's quite the opposite.

- Wait a minute. - With pleasure.

Antonietta, that idiot, your first husband is outside.

Here's your wife.

Congratulations! A great job!

ldiot! lmbecile!

He's become ltalian and now, because of you, l'm a bigamist.

Just a moment. lf you're a bigamist what am l?

A cuckold. l already told you.

l see.

What are you laughing at? He's just a fool talking nonsense...

... while waiting to be transferred to a criminal lunatic asylum.

You mustn't encourage him. Get out of here, all of you.

What a fine figure you're cutting.

Are you two alone in there?

Naturally! lt's really cozy for my wife and me.

You stupid idiot!

- Come down here, if you dare. - No, l'm busy, right now.

Laugh away, you shameless scoundrel. l'll teach you to laugh!

l'll show you what Giuseppe La Paglia's made of. lmbecile!

Pastorelli, the sergeant wants to see you. You too, madam.

- The sergeant? - Yes.

A fine pickle we're in!

- What does the sergeant want? - lt's nothing. Come along.

Good morning.

Excuse me. l'd like to speak with the sergeant.

- He's busy. - l didn't catch that.

- He's busy. - Let me speak with his superior.

He's busy too.

- Then l'll speak with you. - Can't you see l'm busy?

Have a seat.

l've no choice. What a nuisance!

You'll speak with the sergeant after us.

- Fine! - See? Everything will work out.

lt says so here.

l spoke on the phone with Cuneo.

lf l hadn't put you in jail earlier,

l wouldn't now have the authorization to let you go.

- You're free. - Thank you.

But let it be clear. You must remain at our disposal.

- Certainly. - After you've disgraced me!

lt was my duty, Mrs. Pastorelli.

Not Pastorelli. Mrs. La Paglia.

- The court will decide that. - You're right.

- So, can we go? - Yes, you can.

- Just a moment! l'm coming too. - No, you wait there.

lt's incredible! Unbelievable! With the taxes we pay!

Mario, something must be done.

My wife's in the holding cell with that man.

Yes, l know. But what can l do?

What can l do? Am l to become the laughing stock of the village?

That darned Pastorelli!

What's Pastorelli done to you? l warn you my hands are itching.

So are mine.

- You're courting my daughter. - That's true. So what?

Don't you get it? Do you want my consent?

- Take me to my wife. - How?

- Arrest me. - l can't.

- Why? Come on! Do me this favor. - But there has to be a reason.

- There has to be a reason? - Yes.

Do you want a reason?

There's your reason.

- What's happening? - l did that, personally!

- lt was an accident. - No! lt was no accident.

l did it on purpose. l did it on purpose.

- Why? - For fun! Out of disrespect.

l see. We'll throw you in jail.

- At last! See? - Come in.

With pleasure. Thank you.

You can have your husband back.

Come with me.

- l'm free! - You had us scared!

- lf l hadn't been here - - - l brought you your scarf.

- Thanks. You think of everything. - Just a moment!

- Good morning, Sergeant. - Good morning.

Here are your cigarettes. Your penknife.

- lt was a present. - Your wallet.

- Your documents. What's this? - My army passbook.

Oh, your army passbook.

Just a moment. Read this, Sergeant.

My son-in-law was an excellent soldier.

- l wouldn't say that. - But it's true.

Very good! Congratulations. You fought in the war for France.

- Yes, l did. - He was mentioned in dispatches.

- l only did my duty. - Of course!

Just a moment!

Just think! ln France they say this doesn't prove anything.

That may be true in France, but here it proves you're - -

What's the word? You're a draft dodger.

A draft dodger? What does that mean?

lt means you didn't do your military service.

But l fought in the war.

- ln France, not in ltaly. - l couldn't split myself in two.

- Sergeant, you're exaggerating. - Give me back my passbook.

Pastorelli, that's enough.

This document is clear.

Do you know what you are in the eyes of the law?

- No, l don't. - A deserter.

- Me? A deserter? - Precisely!

Me? A deserter? l who fought in the trenches for 5 years?

l who was a career N.C.O.? l who was a sharpshooter?

Repeat what you said if you dare.

lnto the holding cell! Move! That way, you'll calm down.

Me? A deserter?

This is a scandal. l'll take it up with the highest authorities.

Get out!

These things never happen in France.

Don't cry, dear. Your daddy will have the last word.

Thank you so much. You're very kind. Goodbye.

Don't worry. l'll pay for the typewriter, then l'll be released.

Listen, do me a favor. Give this to your colleague, the typist.

Bye! See you around.

Mario, tell Marisa l give my consent.

Giuseppe: Andiamo! Forza!

Come on! Hurry! Let's go! Thanks a million!

Calm down, young man.

lf you'd arrived 5 minutes ago, you'd have found your wife here.

Really? Where is she now?

- She's been released. - Oh, this is terrible!

Where are you going? Get inside.

Open up! Open up!

There's been a miscarriage of justice.

Damn it all! Damn it all!

How could you release a guilty party like that, for no reason?

What a fool l've been! Keep your hands still!

Keep your hands still!

Ferdinand, just a moment.

We're men of the world, aren't we?

l admit l did exaggerate a little, but l didn't want to offend you.

- Take a good look at me. - l'll be glad to.

What's left of Ferdinand Pastorelli?

l've been deprived of my family, my home, my country.

l had just one thing left

- and l've lost it. - What?

My honor.

ls that all? Come on!

l'm a deserter.

l fought the war for nothing. Everything l did was for nothing.

l'm no longer a man. l'm a living mistake.

Right! You're very unfortunate, aren't you, Ferdinand?

- l feel very sorry for you. - No, don't!

Before they tell l've changed sex,

l've one last chance. To disappear.

- Tonight? - Why wait?

- They'll see you. - But it'll be too late.

lt's a grave gesture, l know, but at least l'll find my freedom.

You're right. Freedom above all! Freedom above all!

Can l help you?

- Thanks. - lt's my pleasure.

Do you think this will hold? You've put on weight recently,

- maybe thanks to ltalian cooking. - You wretch! Don't say that word.

Do you mind if, after you, naturally, l use it too?

- You also want to - - - Of course. What use am l here?

- Have you already decided? - Certainly.

Friendship is a wonderful thing.

- Ferdinand! - Goodbye, Giuseppe.

Excuse me, Ferdinand,

l haven't yet understood how you'll get through.

- Do you want to go first? - No, thanks. After you!

Don't stand on ceremony.

- No need to be formal! - So l'll lead the way.

Fine! You'll help me pluck up courage.

Goodbye, my dear Giuseppe.

Hey! Stop! Are you mad?

- Are you having second thoughts? - Of course l am.

Don't you want to disappear?

Yes, but not like that. l thought you wanted to escape.

Me, escape? Oh, no!

People can say what they like about me, but not that he was a coward.

He preferred death over dishonor. That's what they'll say about me.

Very well! Very well! But think things through.

When you were French, you fought for France.

- Naturally. - Right!

Do you feel it's a dishonor not to have fought for ltaly?

- Yes. - Good!

Now, if they were to discover that you're Turkish,

would you feel it's a dishonor not to have fought for Turkey?

- Yes, l would. - You're mad!

Go ahead and hang yourself, you stupid fool.

- Ferdinand, don't be silly! - Leave me alone.

- What are you trying to do? - l want to die!

- Have you gone crazy, Ferdinand? - That's enough!

- l want to die! - Ferdinando, let go of this!

- You're coming with me, quietly. - But l haven't done anything.

- What have l done? - Go on! Move!

Open up! Open up!

l'll pay the damages. l don't want to stay here alone.

Come in! Come in, my dear Pastorelli.

Anybody can make a mistake.

l've just received orders from Cuneo.

- You know article 8, don't you? - Article 8?

No, but it doesn't matter any more.

l courageously accept my fate.

Any citizen who performed military service abroad...

...without the authorization of his own government...

...automatically forfeits...

...his ltalian nationality.

- Forfeits? - That's what it says here.

You've no longer been ltalian since the age of 20.

Then, this is the end of the world.

Consequently, you're no longer a bigamist.

- No longer a bigamist? -No.

- Deserter? -No.

- Then l'm free. - Correct.

l'm free.

Free? l'm free? Free?

- Long live freedom! - You're not entirely free.

- What do you mean? - l must escort you to the border.

To the border? Let's go. To the border! Let's go.

Come on! Up!

Raise it! Goodbye.

- Wait! - Very well.

Hi, there!

Chief, l'm handing him over to you. He's undesirable on ltalian soil.

l greet you, France, land of the free.

- Your papers. - My papers? l don't have any.

Good morning, Brigadier. How lovely to be in my country.

- What country? - Since l'm no longer ltalian,

- l've become French again. - What?

Hey! Sergeant!

- Sergeant! Maresciallo! - Come back here a moment, please.

lf all those who aren't ltalian became French it would be too easy.

Listen, Sergeant, l can't let a man without papers into France.

- Out of here! - What do you mean ''Out of here'' ?

lt's nothing to do with me. l was ordered to return him to France.

- Hear that? - Go on!

- What do you mean ''Go on!'' ? - You're not French so you can't...

- ...stay here. Off with you! Don't be so rough.

And he can't stay here. He's not ltalian. Off you go.

- What am l? - Be quiet!

l'd like to know, at least, whether l exist or don't.

- ln eyes of the law, no. -No!

lf l've understood correctly, the fact a man exists doesn't count.

lt's only his identity card that counts.

The law is not to be debated especially by its enforcers.

Well said! That's the way it is in ltaly, France and everywhere else.

The world turns thanks to the law, l.D. papers and regulations.

Soon, we'll need a permit to live,

duly stamped to allow us to breathe.

Fine! Fine! l admit l'm guilty.

Guilty of having been born in a kitchen...

...where some imbeciles ran the border through the middle.

The border!

- A great invention! - You're overstepping the mark.

You're insulting the border! You, a Customs officer!

l'm no longer a Customs officer. l'm no longer anything.

l'm no longer anything, don't you understand?

But l'll become a somebody who'll be in all the newspapers.

And l'll go to prison, since l have no other choice,

but at least l'll end up there for something worthwhile.

But l'll be acquitted on...

the grounds of a mental disorder,

because l'll have been driven crazy by people like you.

So for now it's goodbye! See you in court!

What a darn nuisance!

What bad luck!

Watch out! They're shooting from the mountain.

Take cover! Hurry!

Hurry and take cover! They're shooting from the mountain.

Watch out! Take cover! Sparano dalla montagna!

Run for cover! Hurry!

-There were shots fired. Who is it? -l know who's shooting.

- Who? - Ferdinando.

- This time he'll kill me. - Are you crazy? That can't be so.

He's the one who's crazy.

This was pushed under my kitchen door.

- No! - Yes!

Listen. You lousy rotter... He called me a lousy rotter!

l wish to inform you that no one here gives a damn about me.

Therefore, in the light of these circumstances,

l intend to delete from the list of the living...

...but only after a regular, prior warning,

the following persons.

Listen! Alberto Malandain chief of the gendarme police.

Augusto Marozzi, chief of the carabinieri police.

Antoine Calandr�, town councilor and smuggler.

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. As you can see everyone's on the list.

- Me too? - Certainly.

You're 1 3rd.

What about you?

- l'm in a post scriptum. - What does that mean?

Listen! lf you don't bring me some provisions,

l'll add you to the list. Me!

With respectful regards, Ferdinando Pastorelli,

ex-Customs officer and sharpshooter.

- That was for the postman. - Quick! Hurry! Down to the cellar!

lf l send him some provisions, will he take me off the list?

l can't promise you that but l'll do everything l can.

Giuseppe La Paglia's word is his bond.

l advise you to add a nice bottle of vintage wine.

Our oldest wine is the ' 54. Grab a bottle.

- Sure! - What will he get up to next?

Who knows what'll happen?

He's lost his head. He's shooting at everybody.

Donadieu, this is a 1 9 1 9.

l thought there were none left.

Leave them and take a 1 9 54.

l'm keeping the 1 9 1 9 wine for me.

Donadieu, come here a moment.

No, no, give me this bottle. lt's only for private consumption.

- Leave it! - l've the right to drink it.

Certainly! Of course! To spite Ferdinando.

Look carefully. What's written on the label?

Two Borders wine 1 9 1 9.

Bottled by whom? l'll tell you by whom.

By a real scoundrel, a liar and a cheat. Take a look!

ln 1 99 1 , the border ran through just one corner of your hotel,

and not through the middle as you'd have everyone believe.

When Ferdinand was born, the kitchen was in France.

l did it for a question of hygiene. The border ran through the toilets.

No! You did it to attract tourists.

To make money, out of greed!

Do you think you can move a border from the toilets to the kitchen...

...as if it were a broomstick?

Shame on you, imbecile!

Giuseppe, l beg you not to talk about this matter.

You know that borders cannot be altered. You've seen what happens.

You begin with a few shots fired, end up on the front line,

and if someone loses their life, people say he died for his country.

No! l died for a bottle of wine.

- l beg you not to say a word. - Keep your hands to yourself.

Everyone must be told that Ferdinand is French.

Fellow townsfolk, listen up! Ferdinand is French.

Hey, Ferdinando, where are you?

Where are you?

Ferdinand? Come out of hiding!

Pastorelli!

Pastorelli!

Ferdinand! Come out! Everything's been clarified.

Ferdinand! Where the devil has that idiot gotten to?

Ferdinand, come on out! Everything's been sorted out.

Ferdinand, come on out!

lt was all Donadieu's fault.

Don't be afraid. You know l'm your friend.

You betrayed me, you scoundrel.

My God! He's killed him!

lt's not possible! l didn't do it.

Giuseppe! Giuseppe!

Giuseppe! Giuseppe! My God, what have l done?

Giuseppe, get up! Talk to me. Say something. Giuseppe!

lt's blood.

No, it's wine.

So, you're not dead, you rat!

No, l'm not. Aren't you glad,

after everything l've done for you?

You scoundrel! What have you done for me?

- Stop! - Stop that, Pastorelli!

Stop! l'm coming!

Let him go, young man! Everything's been clarified.

- You're French. You're French. - That's not possible.

Yes it is. You're French. Be grateful that l'm your friend.

You were born lucky, believe me. My goodness, what good fortune...

- ...you've been blessed with! - Giuseppe!

Yes, l know, l know, but...

...the law is the law.