Original subtitles

And now, it was time to initiate ourselves.

To consecrate ourselves.

To never feel alone anymore.

And if to you this ritual, any ritual,

this whole story will seem totally meaningless,

remember that for hundreds, thousands of years,

billions and billions of people

believed in stories much, much more incredible than this one.

JUST BELIEVE

The Italian loins of Fascist party member Erminio Alberti

fathered Alberto Alberti,

chartered accountant, husband of Rosa Barni.

From their marriage two children, Massimo and Adriana, were born.

Alberto was a true example of integrity, with only one irrepressible vice:

work, which often forced him in his office until late.

But Alberto's true imprudence was to believe, however,

that his prestigious office would be inherited by his son,

destined to a far greater prominence.

Young Massimo, instead, spent his adolescence

tirelessly compiling coveted lists to enter dance clubs.

Everything changed with the premature passing of Alberto

following which Massimo inherited an indelible veil of sadness on his heart,

as well as a delightful two-storey building

that he turned into a luxurious bed and breakfast.

12 rooms with air conditioning and 56" screen TV,

panoramic terrace, heated indoor pool.

The glorious journey of Massimo was interrupted

when those who many recognized as "The Plagues of Europe”

descended upon the land.

The first repercussions of the single currency.

The ominous crisis of the annus horribilis 2008.

Finally, the path of austerity indicated by a wise professor,

otherwise known as Mario Monti.

At the time, Massimo's fiber was put to the test.

But someone like Massimo Alberti never gives up.

Someone like him, destined to dialogue with the infinite,

always leaves something in his passage.

On that day he went to Adriana, his older sister,

who had taken over their father's business

following the rejection of her predestined brother.

It had been six months since a you got a collection note.

I was starting to worry.

Anyway, let's try and get this straight.

Based on the first four months the B&B makes, let's say, 110,000 Euros.

From these we'll subtract management fees, cleaning...

Right.

Leaving a taxable amount of 57,600 Euros.

We have to deduct 17,220 Euros in taxes,

41% on surplus...

You're left with 39,500 Euros.

From 110,000?

Remove the services tax, the property tax,

5% of environmental allowance.

12,500 Euros.

Which divided by 12 monthly payments make 1041 Euros.

10417

That is, I work my ass off

and I'm supposed to live with 1000 Euros a month?

And you should be grateful you're not paying your accountant.

Well, then I'm basically working to give my money to the State.

Say it!

Can't we work something out?

You already got caught once, and those times are gone now.

Do I really have to pay taxes?

What has this country turned into? I don't know.

Massimo pondered a lot about his condition.

Where would he find the strength to not succumb?

How would he fight an enemy so powerful to put everyone on their knees?

Well, almost everyone.

The boiler broke down again.

That couple in room number four said something I didn't understand.

Some racist remarks for sure.

I have to call the repairman.

“Il have to call the repairman.”

Meanwhile, those people make racist remarks at me.

Listen, Marylou, do you and your husband go to this church right here?

No, we're from another parish.

They always get a lot of tourists, these. How do they do it?

- They probably have a boiler that works. - Alright, I got it.

Enough with this boiler.

Sun Tzu in "The Art of War" said:

"Knowing your enemy is the first step to victory.”

May the Lord be with you, Sister.

Your room is Saint Bartholomew's.

- Each room has the name of a saint? - Of a martyr.

Saint Bartholomew was skinned alive, can't you see the skin?

Oh, it's the skin.

It looked like a jacket to me, but...

Will you join us for the prayer at 7 pm?

I'm a little tired, maybe I'll pray in my room alone, if I may.

Then you will join us tomorrow morning for the 4 am prayer.

Of course, at 4 am it's much more convenient.

With this one, they had a barbecue.

With this one they played darts.

Here it is, Bartholomew.

Hail Mary; full of grace,

Our Lord is with thee.

Blessed are thou amongst women,

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Come on.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,

pray for us sinners,

now and at the hour of our death, amen.

Blessed are thou amongst women,

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

- Loosen the knots. - Pray for us.

- Blessed is the fruit... - Our Father, Who art...

- By the intercession of the Virgin... - Holy Mary...

...the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Saint...

Jesus was crucified...

- This can't be. - Now and at the hour of our death...

And we contemplate Jesus in the mystery of your crucifixion and death.

Allow us, through the intercession of Mary,

to share your passion and to participate in your kingdom.

- Mary who loosens the knots. - Pray for us.

Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy Name...

- How was your stay? - Well...

- Let's say the surroundings are very... - Franciscan.

Franciscan, I had it on the tip of my tongue.

Can I have the invoice, please?

No.

- What do you mean? - 1 mean that we can't.

You see, for us, you are not customers,

but guests to whom we give shelter,

some bread and a little peace.

- For free? - Donations, we only accept donations.

- Donations. - Yes.

Because we are not customers, we are guests.

You understood the spirit with which we share the little we have.

But you are brilliant, really.

And how much would the donation be?

The generosity of men doesn't have a price list.

What are 40 Euros to your good heart?

Alright.

- May the Lord be with you. - And with...

That thing... Whatever.

Well, these people are just in a league of their own.

They don't pay the property tax and the service tax

because it's a place of worship.

Then they invented this thing about donations so they don't pay taxes.

What can I say? There's no contest.

What is it?

I do not even want to hear this kind of things.

That's a sacred place, it's only fair that they don't pay.

Yeah? And have you seen with what kind coach they travel around?

With that bus they go get elderly; the sick, the poor.

If you had that kind of thing,

you would go and get the young ladies who make love on the street.

What's that got to do with it?

It's just that they're way ahead, I mean...

There is nothing doing, they're just unbeatable.

That's when, for the first time, the divine appeared in Massimo's life.

What the unbelievers call coincidence,

the enlightened call it a sign.

- What do you mean a call, son? - What it means...

I felt like a light that swept me through, inside.

- A light. - Strong.

A strong light, right inside.

- And what can I do for you? - Nothing.

I want to do something for you.

So I asked myself: "How can a humble hotel owner try to help the Lord?"

- How can he? - How?

By making his humble structure available.

- Available to whom? - To you.

Of the... The believers.

I already thought of everything.

In my bed and breakfast there is a room where we could set up a small altar.

You could come once a week hear the confessions, say Mass.

We could even have a breakfast and Mass formula.

No one has ever done that, that would be an idea.

You come and bless the croissants, for instance.

Maybe blessing the croissants is a little too much.

You make it sound easy. I am hostage to those here.

They are possessed with charity.

My days here are like hell.

The karaoke for the children of inmates, sewing lessons for refugees,

the bowls tournament for the homeless.

I have some missionary friends in Mozambique.

They work five days a week and they are doing just fine.

Why on earth am I doing this? Why?

Father, if you're finished you should go get the class of 4 pm!

There she goes. Yes, I'll go right away, Sister.

See, a cooking class for the refugees.

Also, I said to myself:

"They don't even have food, so what should they cook?"

- Right. - Indeed!

Two weeks ago, a Syrian guy insulted me because I ruined his plating.

I understand, Father Giuseppe, but what about my proposal?

You have here a believer who wants to help his community.

The Spirit is on the left.

The Holy is on the right.

You can't even cross yourself.

I got the choreography wrong but the points are correct.

Listen to me, listen up.

No priest in the world

will ever do the thing about Mass at a bed and breakfast.

But at this point Massimo had taken his path,

and he certainly wouldn't be discouraged by the refusal of a dull parish priest,

hostile to modernity.

That's why I would like to make available my humble inn

for your celebrations.

- Are you Jewish? - No.

- Not yet. - Goodbye.

I'm not even against circumcision.

I mean, if only we could use general anesthesia

because with surgery I...

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - But I didn't say anything yet.

Goodbye.

But I'll make my humble structure available to you for free.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye, I got it.

But you shouldn't complain if people frown at you.

Yes, if you let me come up for a moment, I'll explain my proposal.

Look, I'm sorry, I have the tomato sauce on the stove, I have to go.

Tomato sauce on the stove?

Not the tomato sauce on the stove! You can't say that.

The tomato sauce on the stove is our excuse, we invented that!

You got that, you withess? That's not fair!

But why do you have it if you always keep it turned off?

Because at the dinner table we talk, we don't watch television, right, kids?

Because I thought that there probably was the Roma team...

But...

I mean, I know for sure that the Roma team is on...

No, for heaven's sake, at the dinner table we speak.

Massimo, with Giulio we were saying about these problems of yours

you have at the moment...

Don't worry, I'm going to solve them.

Solve them? And how do you plan to solve them, your usual way?

Look, we are tightening the purse strings, Massimo.

I know why you invited yourself here tonight.

Because he has invited himself, let's face it.

No, maybe if you had managed your life a little better...

What is this, an ambush?

Look, you share the bed and breakfast ownership with Adriana.

Now, you know your sister has always allowed you to do what you wanted.

And the results are obvious, right?

Now, we are willing to make an effort

and buy you out.

You need it so that you can straighten your situation...

Are you crazy? Because you must be crazy.

Look, Adriana, dad left the bed and breakfast to both of us.

So it's mine as it is yours and I'm not selling it.

I don't even want to think about it.

Goal!

They scored.

Which means that some of your neighbors have terrible table manners.

They do not talk because if you watch you don't talk.

Your husband is a real dick.

No, look, it was my idea.

Anyway; it was just...

- I mean, a way of helping you. - Who asked you?

Do you know what dad told me before he died?

No.

"Keep an eye on that idiot brother of yours."

- Really? Is that what he said? - No, he actually said something worse.

Now I understand the last words he said to me.

What did he tell you?

"Send me your sister, I have to tell her something.”

You're laughing but that's exactly what happened.

They say that every religion starts with a revelation.

Siddhartha, for example, reached the enlightenment

while sitting under a fig tree at Bodh Gaya.

Muhammad received the sacred announcement

while meditating in a cave on Mount Hira.

Saint Paul was struck on the glittering road to Damascus.

Massimo had his epiphany on the great medieval road

that connected the Imperial Rome with the ancient city of Tusculum.

In short, Massimo had his revelation on the Tuscolana.

- Is that a joke? - No way, I really had an enlightenment!

- You snorted. - Uh?

- Massimo, you started snorting again? - No.

Good Lord, getting you out of that...

- You promised! - 1 did not snort! Alright?

Will you listen for a second? Do the places of worship have tax cuts?

So here's what I did, I asked the priest, the rabbi, the imam:

"Why don't you come and say Mass inside the bed and breakfast?"

- Not even one of them said yes. - You did what?

So I thought: "I don't need them."

“I'll invent my own religion.”

"I won't have to pay taxes,"

"and I'll get paid by the tourists with a minimum donation, tax free."

Massimo, if that's for what we told you yesterday...

It has nothing to do with it, just think for a moment.

Look, this is a brilliant idea.

You mean, inventing a religion is a brilliant idea?

For pretence, for the bureaucracy, for the Revenue Agency.

All you need is a registered office, a representative,

a certificate of incorporation and a statute, that's all.

Well...

In principle...

In principle...

We all know, on the topic of religion, in Italy,

let's say that the rules are rather fluid.

Well, we are in Italy, if we are not fluid...

Yes, but Massimo, come on, inventing a religion...

- Let's try! - "Let's try", who?

Well, sorry, but would it kill you? Look, let's do this way.

If it doesn't work I'll sell you my part, all right?

I'll sell it to you, I promise.

Among other things, I also wrote down the statute.

Yeah.

- This? - Yeah.

Massimo, you have to get help.

- Again? I did not snort! - I'm not saying that.

What I mean is, if you have to write something, a statute,

you have to write it correctly, you can't present this crap.

You must have someone to help you, someone who can write.

Like who...

Among the people I know, intellectuals, there are none.

No, but, look, we do know a person who knows how to write.

- Who? - Well...

What?

- Look... - Him?

- You got to be kidding. - You underestimate him.

I'm reading it and it's not bad at all.

“Living my life".

They say it's crap.

Like the Gautama Buddha when he met the ascetic Alara Kalama,

like Muhammad, when he found himself in the presence of the Archangel Gabriel,

Massimo also needed his revealing encounter.

Marco Cilio, a figure of great culture and undeniable moral fiber,

thanks to which he had the heart of Marcela Romay surrender,

splendid creature emerged from the waters of Santo Domingo,

former professional of the ancient art of dance on the podium,

but above all ex-wife of Massimo.

A book, for the first time in the history of literature,

I would say that it was written not to be read.

- I'll get the car. - Yeah, I'll wait here.

So, it went well, didn't it?

They all seemed very interested.

- All four of them. - Massimo.

The last place where one would expect to find you

is outside a cultural association, a non-profit one I mean.

Four years to write a book that shouldn't be read.

You spend my money well.

Actually we had invited your sister,

but if you came to pay the alimony for Marcela you're more than welcome.

- I'll go get her. - Wait a minute.

Listen, you have to help me with something.

I have to?

I need help to write down something.

What's that?

A thing regarding bureaucracy, for taxes.

This flatters me, you know?

It flatters me a lot, but unfortunately I am very busy with my book signing.

I'm going to Aprilia, Fondi, Caprarola, so, I'm sorry.

I'll explain how it works though.

With the alimony that I pay to Marcela you can afford to do what you do,

that is some kind of an intellectual, a left-wing loser, right?

And yet there is something new.

I'm not doing too well.

And the money that I'm supposed to pay to Marcela, I don't have it.

And if I don't pay her the alimony

you won't be able to go attend the festivals and sell that stodge.

And you know what will happen, Marco?

That you'll have to find a job. I mean, a real job.

You know, the kind that you get up early in the morning.

There are times when a man is called to do what he is destined for.

Act, affect, change the world.

So Marco understood that that moment was knocking on his door.

To invent a religion,

we must first understand how a religion works.

- Easier said than done. - Come on, let him talk.

- I only said that... - Just think.

The miter of the Pope

was originally the headgear of Egyptian pharaohs.

The zucchetto is a reinterpretation of the Jewish kippah.

The Rosary is of Muslim origin.

Do you know what all of this means?

No.

That anything goes.

-So? - So we'll do like them.

We'll take a little here, a little there.

We'll make a mix, possibly in good taste, but a mix.

A best of.

It's not like they really have to believe it.

It should just be a religion that makes sense.

Why, are there any religions that make sense?

The hat.

- The shoes. - The kippah.

First of all, in our religion everyone dresses like the hell they like.

PRECEPTS: NO DRESS CODE

God. Who is God for us?

Let's say it right away, there is...

- Only. - One God.

One. That's easy.

One and triune.

Triune...

They are three and they are one.

99.

- What do you mean 997 - God for us has 99 names.

Let's make our God a fourfold, one more than the Catholics,

and he'll have 100 names, one more than the Muslims.

- Let's give a strong signal right away. - Will you stop talking bullshit?

- So I'm the one talking bullshit? - Look, I just wanted to say something.

To me this thing about the entity above us,

looking at us, judging us and then punishing us

it always scared me a lot.

I couldn't agree more.

Why shouldn't I be free to decide if I want to wear a helmet or not?

What's this have to do with anything?

It does, it has to do with the fact that I want to decide, ok?

Each of us is God, one democratic thing at least.

- But... - No, wait.

Even in the roughness, there's something interesting here,

in this reasoning.

This idea, for example,

to make someone else decide how I should behave,

is a little out of fashion, a little ancient.

That's exactly what I wanted to say.

- Yes. - It's ancient.

Because you are your own God.

- Yes. -So I'm God.

Yes.

Well, this way women can be God too. Well, I like that then.

- Rather... - What?

I... God.

Short, agile, quick.

These times need synthesis, tweets.

Here.

"Il God."

And with this thing we also solved the problem of the sacred object.

Here, look, 12 Euros at the flea market

and look how well it reflects the image of God.

Obligations?

You shall not commit adultery.

You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.

Pray five times a day.

- You shall not steal. - Fast during Ramadan.

You shall not bear false witness.

- Do not eat... - Pork.

- Pork. - Meat on Fridays.

No crustaceans, no mollusks.

Cheese if it was not made from kosher rennet,

milk and meat in the same meal.

Fish is allowed, but only if it has fins and scales.

No horse, rabbit and wild boar

and to all the animals that have no hoof and cloven hoof.

We'll forbid tofu.

- Why? - Because tofu is crap.

I don't understand why they have to tell me

what is wrong and what is right to eat.

Because if you do something wrong you'll be devoured by guilty feelings,

and guilt is very important in religions.

I know, but, also this whole thing about commandments, right?

I'm sorry, but no! We'll give suggestions.

"It would be better if".

They say: "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife."

"It would be better if you didn't.”

- It's more... - Hell? Heaven?

It is only this way that after death

we will be welcomed by 72 virgins in an immaculate garden.

A flood of females.

For anyone, just a flood of females for everyone, the good and the bad.

And what about women?

What?

I mean, what do women find in the immaculate garden?

- A man. - Just one?

Yes.

Well...

It's really not much... No.

- Well... - One?

-11. -11?

11, like... Well, like a soccer team?

Yeah, like a soccer team.

You got the wrong perspective.

This life, here and now, is heaven.

Or hell, depending on how you live it.

- Nice, nice idea. - Nice idea? He had one, I had seven.

- But it's nice. - But...

- And anyway we're done, right? - We need a name.

I'll take care of that, and that's eight.

If I am God...

“Selfism" with an "I" or with "IE"?

With an "I".

Then, form 69, receipt of the F23.

- Here it is. - Statute in double copy.

- And ID card of the representative. - Yes.

- You have it? - Yes, I do, I have it, here it is.

And this is the statute,

if there's anything that's not too clear...

No, I don't want you to clarify anything.

In this country there's absolute freedom of worship.

A colleague last month said a word too many, and the chaos ensued.

We had reporters, we had pickets at the entrance.

- We all had to take a course. - What kind of course?

An awareness course for new religions.

Twice a week for three months.

Well, never mind.

Listen, we should also apply for a variation of the seat

as a place of worship.

The land registry office is in charge of that, ma'am.

Well, how long does it take, more or less?

Once you fill the application, you'll have the visit of an official.

A visit of an official?

To obtain the status of place of worship the official must verify

that there are no elements contrary to public order

and the attendance.

It's a standard procedure.

Attendance, social function, public order...

Did you think it was going to be like opening a newsstand?

No, but not even all this mess, though.

Gentlemen, it's time to perform a service.

- What do you mean by service? - A service of the Selfist rite.

Who is going to be there?

We lack the main ingredient of all religions.

And what is that?

Hosanna and Hosanna

and Hosanna Christ our Lord

Hosanna and Hosanna

and Hosanna Christ our Lord

Hosanna and Hosanna

and Hosanna Christ our Lord

Hosanna and...

- What happened, Sister? - They stole our poor.

But these are not poor,

these are seven categories under the poor.

- We'll have to call pest control later. - We must start from the lowest step.

It's the people in need the ideal target for a religion, right?

Come along.

- Come on, dear. - Come along.

Hey, no! Sister!

- Excuse me, Sister. - I'm not going with you.

- Let go the unfortunate! - We are more entitled than you.

If it wasn't for us they would have died of hunger by now!

They're not yours, the poor belong to everybody.

I'm not going with you, you don't even give us to drink.

Most of these people are alcoholics, and you made them drink?

- A Spritz, something light. - A faggot's drink.

But look who's talking here.

Every Sunday at Mass the priest gulps a glass of wine.

That's the blood of Christ.

Your mind fails to understand the mystery of the sacrament.

The real mystery is how come you give the body of Christ to everybody

and only the priest gulps the blood?

- Sacrilege! - Shame on you!

Come on.

- You got to do what you got to do. - Sure.

A round of Spritz for everybody!

There isn't a religion that doesn't have their precise function clothes.

We will keep up to this.

For this purpose I have carried out a comparative study.

Here we go.

I would say to leave aside the Catholic world.

They're all black from the priests down, all purple from the bishops up.

The only exception is papal white, here it is.

- I'd say we keep a low profile. - 1 have an idea.

The Buddhist world is very fascinating, definitely more flashy.

However this shade of orange is a little...

ANAS.

The road maintenance workers.

Different from the Dalai Lama, who chose a much more vintage solution.

Vintage, this was the Roma team jersey of '82-'83.

- Hinduism is fascinating as well. - Oh, well...

However, think of the difficulty of having to roll the turban

every morning around the head.

They're supposedly 12 yards of a very precious fabric.

- So what do we do? - We'll do the usual.

- Meaning another best of? - Another best of.

No, excuse me, I've been trying to say it for five minutes now.

I already thought about my sacred dress.

Excuse me.

- What do you think? - A horrible robe?

That's not a robe, this is an original Japanese kimono.

Alright, it's not exactly original.

I got it with the mirror at the flea market.

However, in our religion, if anyone can do as they please,

at least I'll be comfortable.

When the venerable Siddhartha held the first public sermon

in the Deer Park in Sarnath that started Buddhism

he had five ascetics before him.

2500 years later, ready to receive from Massimo the noble Selfistic truth,

there were at least the triple.

- What is it? - It's still a horrible robe.

- It's a kimono! - It's a pajamas.

It's a...

Alright, listen, hurry up

because I don't know how long we can keep them still.

That one is a municipal official, he came to attend the service.

- Mind you, we need him. - Look them in the eyes.

- Go. - Yeah.

Go!

The poor sure are ugly.

Here we are,

gathered

in front of our sacred object.

And...

And I will tell you...

I'll tell you: "Adore yourself.”

"Adore yourself.”

"Because..."

Excuse me for a moment.

I'll take a break for a cigarette and I'll be back.

Why?

I'm stuck.

You.

You are God.

And so are you.

Each of us has the power to create

and the power to destroy.

Come and look at yourself in the mirror.

Come and admire

the image of the God you are.

Every wrinkle, scar, stain,

even the dark circles compose the path that we must follow

to reach our own fullness.

To love oneself means to own the world.

So, remember:

"You will have no other God besides yourself.”

It's beautiful.

- Why, did you understand what he said? - No.

But how he said it.

Come to me.

I come to you.

Alright, if anyone wants to come up...

Me!

Look, I'm sorry you saw a service that...

Well, you're so young, we can be on first name terms.

- I'd rather you didn't, thank you. - Sure, and rightly so.

So, what can you tell us?

I'm not here to judge, heaven forbid.

Did you take the training course? The one of the...

- Which course are you talking about? - Never mind.

- Anyway, is everything ok? - Yes, everything is in order, I think.

Well, perfect! The only thing missing now is that...

Well, that document on the variation of the building in a place of worship.

- And then... - How many followers do you have?

- Well... - Why; is there a minimum number?

Obviously.

To have the reductions,

it is assumed that the place of worship offers a public service.

That it has an adequate attendance, a social value.

I'm sure you know, right?

- Yes. - Sure.

- Very well. - Yes.

Anyway, we'll be back in the future to verify.

- You will be back? - Some other time.

Bureaucracy.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

The next step was to wait,

but the Selfist Word had already begun its journey into the hearts of the people.

Your brother drank vodka.

A lot of vodka.

And your brother died, for vodka.

Your brother spoke to you from the mirror.

And now you don't drink anymore.

One week.

And you're already a new man.

A better one.

Even more handsome.

It's all thanks to him.

Massimo is a great man.

A great man!

And now you're ready to start over.

Look, Milos,

I didn't want to tell you in front of everyone,

but maybe you've got it wrong, maybe it's the light, the heat,

the 16 cartons of wine you drank.

He spoke to me. I don't want to drink anymore.

Don't set your goals too high,

you'll feel bad afterwards, you'll feel worse.

Listen to me, have an ice cold beer, you'll get over it, listen to Massimo.

I got it, you are testing me.

- I am doing what? - Thank you.

- You're welcome. No, come on, don't. - Thanks.

No, you're welcome but you don't have to, come on.

So, how did it go?

- Very well! - Really bad!

About time.

I have been waiting for you for half an hour.

Listen, tell me something, what's this thing about Selfism?

- We have free admission, right? - No, it's not a disco.

And anyway, look, unfortunately at the moment we're full.

As you can see, there's not a lot of room.

What's the problem, is it because I'm on a wheelchair?

- No, it's got nothing to do... - You have a problem with the disabled.

I said I don't.

Well, I saw you let all sorts of riff-raff in here.

I've seen those crappy immigrants come in,

and now the problem are people in a wheelchair.

Come here a minute.

I'll be attending.

I come every week and do everything you say.

Right.

But in June I want to get up from this chair.

Because I want to go to Ibiza.

And screw.

- And screw. - Screw!

- It has to be in June? - September is fine too.

You have until September.

Also because July and August are too expensive in Ibiza anyway.

We don't do that kind of things here, I mean...

- Hey, I've been to Medjugorje. - Yes.

- To Lourdes, to Jerusalem. - I understand.

- 1 was also in Mecca. - Alright.

Now it's your turn.

Look, I don't know how to tell you this,

It's just that we don't believe in miracles,

in sudden healing.

You don't seem to understand.

If you let me get up from this chair,

all the Italian journalists will come here.

And you'll be an overnight success.

- You're the leader around here, right? - No.

There are no leaders here.

Here, if you want to solve a problem,

you must ask...

How should I put it?

Ask yourself, that's it.

You understand?

If you want to solve a problem,

you must turn to yourself.

That's what Massimo told me.

And those words have touched me, deep down.

Deep down.

Teodoro,

for many years you have put yourself in the hands of priests,

healers, charlatans.

But that's enough.

These are the hands you have to rely on, Teodoro.

You are your own God!

- Well done! - Well said!

- Good job! - Well done!

- Thank you, Massimo. - You're welcome.

- No, I mean, thank you, Massimo. - Not at all.

Thanks, Massimo, help me get down.

- No, I'll help you! - No, you don't help.

Massimo helps, you stay there, you damn gypsy.

- No. - He's going to steal my wallet.

Also the sick now? That's enough!

Who's sick?

These things you are doing are a mortal sin.

You should be ashamed.

I'm not coming here anymore, find somebody else.

I'm not cleaning anymore, otherwise I'll become the accomplice of Satan.

That's what my priest told me.

And with you,

going to hell because of you, I don't want to go!

Excuse me a minute. Marylou, come here.

Excuse me. Come here, think for a minute, will you?

Ma'am, you should travel light, you must be carrying stones in there.

I felt super good in your bed and breakfast.

- Yeah. - 1 will come back for sure!

Actually, I hope you don't.

I have a slipped disc, you see? L5-S1.

Yeah.

- Ciao, Massimo! - Yeah, but...

My disc, my slipped disc, you have to take it easy, ma'am.

Yeah, ouch.

Oh, my gosh.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

I have to talk to you about something somewhat private.

Excuse me, but I have to check someone in.

Look, I have a friend who comes to your Masses.

They're not... We don't have Masses.

- You are the priest, right? - No, we don't have a priest either.

In short, anyway...

Is it my fault if I, at my age,

I still have

certain needs?

What needs?

I have quivers.

What do you mean quivers?

Quivers, you know what I'm talking about, right?

I mean, at my age, is that a sin?

No, I mean, we don't even have the notion of sin, so it doesn't...

Well, because the people across the street

they told me it was a sin.

A mortal sin.

No, look, we think differently.

We don't even have the commandments, we have suggestions.

So what would you suggest in my case?

For the quivers?

- What... - Well...

What can I tell you, ma'am,

if you really feel

this disposition towards the quivers

I would say it's right that you...

You should just indulge.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, then I'm going to indulge, uh?

Do that.

Ok.

Your religion is really nice.

- Good job. - Thanks.

How long is it going to take? Those people are draining me up.

A cadastral variation in Italy? And in place of worship too!

Did you think they would give it to you in just three weeks?

Don't we know anyone at the city hall? I'm also willing to pay if necessary.

Massimo, those times are over.

We had one thing that used to work in this country.

What do you want me to say?

- Have faith. - Cute.

Are you leaving? Come on, give me a hand.

I can't, I have Zumba.

- What? - Zumba.

You?

I have to tell you, Massimo.

I did this thing too, about looking inside myself in the mirror.

And there's one thing I understood that I have to do.

What's that?

Zumba.

Bye.

Zumba.

I can't believe I have to do this.

I have to clean.

Why me?

What have I done wrong?

Hey, no, you can't do that!

- I wanted to know if you have a room. - I can't hear you!

- 1 wanted to know... - Well, damn...

No, ma'am, we're not having a service today.

I know, but I was wondering if you had a room.

For who?

For me.

You see? They started taking the rooms.

So now they're not harassing me once a week, but every day.

You have to understand, they are your followers.

You are a guiding light to them, you are the center, that's what you are.

What are you talking about,

we did explain that bullshit well, didn't we?

- No one is special, everyone is God. - Yes, but who told them?

No, I can't take it, I want to stop this thing.

You underestimate the potential of this thing.

You are creating a community.

And if you don't want to take on an entire community

at least let everyone give their contribution, let them help you.

Those people would follow you to the end of the world.

What should I do? Make them clean the rooms?

We're not one of those sects who manipulate people's heads.

No, we're not, no.

No, I don't understand you.

I can only say "vodka" in Russian, I'm sorry...

Maestro.

Milos, what are you doing here?

I'm helping that lady to follow her instincts.

Do you have to help her here? Can't you help her at her house?

Nice things must be done here.

- Well? Is it going to take long? - I'll be right there.

Thanks again, Maestro.

Yeah.

I see you are getting great results, I'm impressed.

It wasn't easy to keep up with everybody,

as you can imagine.

Look, why don't we stop being so formal?

Sure, I'll be glad to, yes, thank you.

I was very impressed with the attendance you managed to achieve.

Your visit here fills us with joy

For us to get this certification as a place of worship really means...

It will give a whole new boost to the operation.

- So, I wanted to thank you. - No, Massimo, I have to thank you.

See, there is a moment in life

where you either find God or you find a good shrink.

The first time I came here, I felt something.

Nothing much, a curiosity.

Yet I don't know why, that curiosity is continually rekindled.

So I find myself out of nowhere thinking about this place,

thinking of you guys.

Massimo, I am here in a personal capacity because...

Because I want to participate in your activities.

- Well... - If it's possible of course.

Should I call you Maestro?

This thing about the place of worship was an idiotic plan from the beginning,

but your sister let you do your thing as usual,

hoping that you would have realized that by yourself.

- You put on a cheap scam, rather than... - Rather than?

Rather than facing your responsibilities, Massimo.

You have to turn over a new leaf.

You know, admitting a failure doesn't mean being a failure.

Anyone can fall,

the important thing is to have the courage to get back on their feet.

Massimo, you alienated everyone around you.

You don't have a friend left,

because you either swindled them all or hit on their wives.

Giulio.

And rightly so.

Because, in life, you reap what you sow.

You only have us left, and our offer still stands.

Sell your part of the building.

See, Giulio,

I can't say bad words in front of your children right now

because I'm sure they never heard one before.

Otherwise I would have told you that you are a piece of shit.

The time to turn the other cheek was over.

And there was evening, and there was morning.

Massimo understood

that he was called to raise his head and look far away.

Because the one who is guided by the force of his Ego,

no place is unattainable.

Corn, chickpeas, canned beans.

Also today you got your fill of baits for the poor, uh?

You had a monopoly for 2000 years.

Here.

Now it's our turn.

It was time to guide his followers, moving their hearts and their hands.

To direct them to the search for their Ego,

the key to repair every jammed gear.

The days became weeks and the flock opened to new devotees,

eager to purify the depths of their conscience.

To strip of their earthly vices to wear less profane garments,

recognizing in every stain, every crack,

a happy occasion to rebuild together.

Because the union of the bodies is the strength of the souls.

Finally our church is a worthy place.

And it's to everyone's credit.

We believed in it and we got back up on our feet.

I am ready, Maestro.

I am ready!

Anyone can fall, anyone.

The important thing is having the courage to get back up on our feet.

- You're rehearsing a musical. - Stop it with this nonsense.

What do you want from me?

That poor guy in a wheelchair had booked a trip to Lourdes

and canceled it.

- Do you know what this means? - Of course I know, he saved 500 Euros.

You should be ashamed to fill the head of a poor handicapped with nonsense.

First of all, he's "differently able", alright?

And then, everyone believes what they want.

- No, because there's only one God. - For you. For us, everyone is God.

This would mean

that there are several gods with different ideas,

and inevitably, some of them must be wrong.

And this is impossible, because God is infallible.

And maybe he's not as infallible as you say.

Heretic.

Bitch.

Cuckold.

- Well done. - It had to be done.

It's very nice here, congratulations.

Well, B&Bs are like discos, it all depends on who hangs out in them.

But as I understand it,

it would be wrong to consider yourself only as the owner of a B&B.

For that matter it's wrong not being in first name terms.

- Teresa. - Massimo.

I really can't shake your hand from here.

How did you end up in such a place, Teresa?

Through Bedandbreakfast.it

You have some great reviews,

except for a Russian who wrote that this is a dirty brothel.

It is so true that it's difficult to please everyone.

The secret is not to treat everyone as customers.

For me you are guests whom I give refuge for the soul.

And for the body.

For example, this would be the perfect time for an aperitif.

Aperitif?

You see that it's not easy to please everyone?

No, it seems to me that you're doing quite well.

I've seen a lot of people around you.

JESUS IS GREAT

I AM GOD

Finally, after many years, a great joy filled Massimo's heart.

He felt part of something big, a community that he himself had created.

And now, it was time to initiate ourselves.

To consecrate ourselves.

To never feel alone anymore.

The moment of baptism,

the Selfistic baptism, had arrived.

- Can you imagine dad seeing this stuff? - He would have been proud of you.

You think so?

Come on, I've always been the idiot of the house.

You were the perfect daughter.

Listen...

Do you remember Andrea?

Andrea?

- He was all... - Oh, the Rasta?

- Yeah, the guy obsessed with Bob Marley? - Yeah, him.

- A likeable guy. How is he? - He's almost bald now.

Sometimes life is just rotten, uh? But I remember he was with a real hottie.

Yes, and now he's having an affair.

She must be a dog.

Because men are just like that, you see? There is nothing doing.

When you're always having tenderloin, you feel like trying a breaded cutlet.

It's normal.

Well, here's the breaded cutlet.

What do you mean?

I mean that...

For the last 15 years me and Andrea have been screwing.

Once a year, we're seeing each other, we meet in a hotel

and we screw, all night long.

But you always hated reggae.

- What's this got to do with anything? - Well, it does a little.

Even though it was only once a year, I really felt like shit later.

I mean, I was ever the kind of person who ever cheated lightly.

- I'm not like you. - What are you...

Whatever.

And then, two months ago, we met,

and then, nothing.

I felt nothing, I don't know, not a cry or a guilty feeling.

Because it was over.

I mean, in the last two months we met seven times.

Adriana, why are you telling me all this?

Because I'm happy.

Because I did the right thing.

I was right to do what I wanted to do, following my own God.

- Hi. - Hi.

- We can finally shake hands. - Well, yeah, I can reach you from here.

- Massimo. - You already told me that.

Or should I call you Maestro?

No, not you, no,

- Teresa? - Yes.

- Now. - Now what?

Now it would be the right time to have an aperitif.

Aperitif?

Well, I don't know, I have to think about it... Yes.

I no longer have anyone of my family here in Rome.

You know, sometimes I think I'd like to drop everything and move abroad.

Because now in Italy...

And where would you like to go?

Well, so many places that have been important to me.

My favorite places.

Bali, Mykonos, Amsterdam.

And why did you come back?

Tell me about the Selfism.

Also because it's not every day

that you get to meet someone who founded a religion.

It's not a religion.

Yes, I mean, it's also a religion, but it's more...

- A philosophy? - It's more like a lifestyle, you see?

Each one of us is God.

There is no one to tell you what is right or wrong.

You have to trust yourself,

you have to let yourself go.

And what if you feel like doing something completely different

from what you are told?

In that case, follow your instinct.

I mean, what others call instinct, which for us is...

-ls...? - The voice of your own God.

You know why I like you guys?

Because you don't promise what you can't deliver.

No, really, you're honest. You don't tell stories as many others do.

- Well, yeah. - You seem to be a...

-A? - A self-help group, it's true.

- Selfism, uh? - Selfism.

That is "I", from “1”, and “nism” from...

Could we have two more Spritz, please?

And so, Adriana, don't be sad. Don't be sad.

It is easy to proceed united under the sun rays,

but the good shepherd is the one who gathers the flock to himself

even when darkness takes him by surprise.

Because the day cannot exist without the night.

Dawn without the sunset.

The beginning without the end.

They will remain forever in our heart and in our memory.

Sandra left us a precious lesson, some invaluable teachings.

- What happened? - Mrs. Fabiani.

- Who? - The woman... Come on, the fat lady.

- What did she do? - She made a donation.

- What's it to us? - She died. She made it to us.

- What did she leave us? - A facility.

- A what? - A beach facility.

- Are you serious, a beach facility? - Yes, land and water.

Water and land.

Two elements to which our sweet Sandra was closely tied.

A creature of water,

with her feet firmly anchored to the ground.

Excuse me, but we'll have to pay taxes for this place?

- Of course. - You're really obsessed about this.

What are we going to do with this ruin? Here the sea will have the black flag.

Listen, Massimo, please, quit joking, this is serious.

We were thinking that we could put the altar there.

- Don't you think? - It's a great idea.

- The altar for what? - For Mrs. Fabiani's funeral, of course.

- You want to do it here? - But I don't...

Of course! She asked for it. It's the first Selfist funeral in history.

Now come on, please, let's be serious!

- No funeral, we won't do that. - Alright.

And now, Maestro Massimo will say a few words

to remember the Selfist Sandra.

Sandra's disappearance was a blow for all of us.

But there is nothing to be sad about.

Right now,

her soul has already arrived in the City of the Great Mirror.

There's nothing.

It's useless to look at the sky.

If you want to know where Mrs. Fabiani is I'll tell you.

She's here and here.

But she lived till the end.

And she seemed happy.

Especially after the buffet.

It's useless to look for answers that we cannot have.

I don't know what is there at the end of the journey.

Nobody knows.

But meanwhile let's enjoy the journey.

You need a hand to get downstairs?

I'm leaving next week.

Where are you going?

Ibiza.

You know, this obsession about getting up...

In the end, I realized that it's a big stupid thing.

I am this.

This chair is part of me, of my own God.

Just between you and I, Ibiza is not like Rome

where there are many architectural barriers.

In Ibiza with a wheelchair you can go wherever you want,

even in the subway.

Hey.

You know Homer.

The guy of the restaurant?

No.

Earlier, when you said that it was important to enjoy the journey.

You mentioned the Odyssey.

I knew that you didn't do it on purpose.

I couldn't say that bullshit, come on.

If you don't know Homer, there's no point for me to mention Origen.

- Who? - Origen of Alexandria.

He was a Greek theologian,

he was the first to theorize the pedagogical use of lying.

Basically, the lie for a good purpose.

He spoke of the Christian function of the lie,

the necessitas mentiendi.

The necessity of deception.

As a cure, as a balm for the soul and for the body.

Those were not just lies. We...

We cure, we save.

It's time for you to start understanding it.

Is there the subway in Ibiza?

No.

Don't you feel like bathing, after all the cold we suffered today?

No, I don't have a swimsuit.

- Come on. - What?

- Come on. - No.

- Come on! - 1 don't have a swimsuit.

Are you going to dive?

I only took my shoes off, I didn't say I was going to dive.

- Come on, dive! - "Dive."

I'm not going to, I'm only taking my shirt off.

That's it.

But I'm not diving.

- Nice, isn't it? - Yeah.

Oh, just like that?

Weren't you the one who said that God speaks to us through our instincts?

Well...

Yeah.

- Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. - No, I should apologize.

No, really, I'm sorry.

It's just that maybe I should have told you.

- No, but what... - No, it's nothing.

- What do you mean nothing? - No, really, nothing.

I had surgery three years ago.

You know the kind where you have 50% chance of surviving? That was it.

Oh, really?

It's in a rather difficult place to hide

if you're going to sleep with someone.

Well, the important thing is that it went well, right?

It didn't go well?

Yeah, well, yeah, more or less, yeah.

What do you mean "more or less"?

That I should get another operation, only this time it's not 50-50.

- Well, 60 and 407? - Let's say 70-30.

But 70 is the percentage that goes well?

Oh, and...

Alright, but it's all water under the bridge now, really.

- What do you mean? - That I won't be operated.

You can decide not to?

No, that's not what the doctors say, but...

No, sorry, Teresa, maybe I didn't understand.

I came here to Rome to meet the head physician

who was supposed to operate me.

It's no accident that I ended up here, Massimo.

There is never anything casual in these situations.

What you said at the funeral...

You were right.

Right about what?

Let's enjoy the journey.

- Alright, but the doctors... - Doctors are not God.

I know, but doctors have degrees, specializations, doctors cure people!

You said that.

We are all God.

And we all have an obligation to do what we feel like doing.

- Teresa, but... - All of us, and me too.

What the hell are you saying?

That was bullshit! Just bullshit!

- What was? - Everything.

"l am God, God is in you, God in me, God in you..."

I invented everything just to avoid paying taxes.

No.

Yes.

You say that because you want to convince me to get an operation,

like everybody else.

But I have already decided.

I want to enjoy the journey.

Once you find her, what difference will it make?

If she has decided not to get an operation

she won't do it anyway, right?

Adriana, it's my fault!

Wait, it's the first time that I hear you say that.

Come on, Massimo, you did nothing wrong.

Quite the opposite, this thing is good for a lot of people.

Adriana, you too? It's just bullshit!

Well, maybe it is for you, but not for them.

Listen, I don't want the bed and breakfast anymore.

- You can have it. - Me?

Yes, you and Giulio, make your own price,

I don't want to have anything to do with it anymore!

Massimo.

Giulio is gone.

- What do you mean, Giulio is gone? - Well, I left him.

- What? You left him? - Yeah, I had been unhappy for too long.

- You were unhappy? - Hey!

- Come on, even the kids had noticed that. - What? The kids noticed... Ok.

Look, I don't know what it is, but this thing, to me...

Oh, excuse me, it's Andrea, I have to answer.

Hello?

Hi.

No, everything's fine.

Come here, toast with me.

Look.

Even for the Italian tax authorities we are officially a religion.

Our practice has been accepted.

And this is our church.

We won, we made it.

And now we have to focus on our next target.

Which one?

The tithe.

The tithe? What are you saying, Marco?

Massimo, we are making history here, the great history.

We are working for the highest good. Do you realize that?

Here, look here.

I hadn't been writing like this for years.

- What's this? - The history of Selfism.

Your gospel.

Actually, it would be my gospel, but it's about you.

My what?

Do you know in how many languages the Bible was translated?

- Guess a number. - 1 don't know.

- What do I care, I don't know! - 500!

500 languages!

And this story is much more fluent, more structured.

Weren't you the one who wrote books that shouldn't be read?

Nitpicker.

That's enough, come on.

I can't take it anymore, I do not want to do this anymore.

That's enough!

You didn't understand a thing.

Selfism will go on with or without you.

If you don't understand this, I will be forced to create a schism.

- A what? - A split.

Martin Luther did it, and I can't?

It was then that for the first time the divine appeared in the life of...

...unbelievers call coincidence...

He felt part of something great, a community that he himself had...

Marco Cilio, a figure of great culture, and of undeniable moral temperament...

Following which Massimo inherited an indelible veil of sadness on his heart.

I don't understand why you people always have crises at night.

Never in the morning, after breakfast.

And why doesn't this girl want to get an operation?

Because she only wants to listen to herself.

She's a doctor?

She's a...

An Selfist.

Oh, right, Selfism.

A lot of people still make your mistake.

Which one?

The penthouse of the cardinals, the bank of the Vatican, the luxuries.

You see only this.

We've been dealing with people's problems for 2000 years.

You should do it too, if you're capable.

You have played with the need of people to believe in something,

but from time immemorial, human beings need answers, reassurance.

- Now I just want to erase everything. - Yeah, it figures.

What do you want to do?

Do you want to resign as the head of a religion, or whatever that is?

Why not, Ratzinger did it.

Forget about Ratzinger.

After all he's German, those people do things as they should be done.

They are serious.

You invented this circus because you needed this thing.

Maybe you actually wanted this role.

But what am I going to do?

What are you going to do...

When we don't know what to do, we pray.

You, who knows.

Where's the strength?

Inside us.

Milos, who is God?

Each of us is God.

- Who is God? - We are our own God!

I didn't think you'd really believe all this bullshit.

What the hell were you thinking?

Look, I just wanted the money to go on holiday,

to buy myself some more clothes, a watch, a new car.

That's all.

Come on, enough of this clowning around now.

You people, the show is over.

- Selfism ends here! - No!

He broke it!

He broke it!

He is testing us.

He means that our faith is stronger than this mirror.

Our faith is now in our hearts!

- It's true! - In our hearts!

It's true, long live Selfism!

You have to leave!

I don't want to see you anymore, you have to go away!

Get out of here! Everybody out!

I don't want to see you anymore!

- Maestro... - Go away!

Go away! Get out! Out of here!

Go away! Get away of here! Come on, I don't want to see you!

I don't want to see you anymore! Get out of here! Out! Enough, go away!

Come on, everybody out!

Come on, you heard me!

Come on, get the hell out!

Out! Fast! Go away!

Go away, all of you!

Come on, let's go!

Who's there? Come on, come on, get out!

You have to get the hell out!

I don't want to see you anymore!

"Offenses and contempt of persons and sacred objects.”

“The criminal acts were repeated inside the sacred place,”

“the seat of the confession of Selfism."

You are accused of religious terrorism, Mr. Alberti.

It's a religion that I invented, tell him.

"Contempt and damage of a consecrated object of worship."

It was a second hand mirror, I paid it 12 Euros.

"Unlawful occupation of place of worship."

No, that's the seat of my bed and breakfast, Your Honor.

Alberti, after the recent change in the state of use,

the place was no longer at your sole disposal.

You could not forbid access, use and use by the followers of Selfism.

And certainly not through the offenses you are accused of.

Well? Aren't you going to say something?

Your Honor, may 1?

Your Honor, my client's charges are serious.

But you have to understand that there are extenuating circumstances,

since the defendant is also the, how can I put it, charismatic figure of...

Counselor, this is a serious accusation.

And I cannot discriminate between one religion and another.

That's all I need right now.

I'll retire in two years and I want to leave peacefully.

All religions are equal here, for heaven's sake.

So, Mr. Alberti, how do you plead?

- Massimo, where are they taking you? - Teresa.

I looked all over for you.

I didn't know where you were, how you were doing...

I'm fine, I'm really fine.

I didn't want this to happen...

Actually, Massimo, I came to tell you that that I'm healed.

- Really? - Yes, I'm healed.

You don't know how happy I am

that you finally decided to get an operation, Teresa.

- 1 knew it... - I didn't get an operation.

What?

I didn't get an operation.

There's no need.

What do the doctors say?

I knew it.

You are a saint.

Religions are like the stories we are told as children before we go to sleep.

It doesn't matter if they are true or false.

The important thing is that they make us fall asleep peacefully.

The story of the miracle performed by Maestro Massimo

continues to enlighten the hearts of the Selfists believers every day,

and they are increasingly filling the church that he created.

His deeds, his words will remain forever with those who believe in them.

And well...

He will be with us every day,

until the end of the world.