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1
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:38,597
Santa?
2
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,132
Ahh!
3
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:42,000
Holy crap, Boyd.
4
00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:44,236
What the hell you doing
back there, buddy?
5
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,804
Waiting on Santa Claus?
6
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:48,240
Aren't you getting
a little old for Santa Claus?
7
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:49,575
I'm five.
8
00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:52,344
It's all a sham, Boyd.
The whole Goddamn deal.
9
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,913
I'm the only Santa
you're ever gonna know.
10
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:58,183
If you know the truth,
it's easy to get through it all.
11
00:01:58,185 --> 00:02:00,853
In fact, let's see
what he brought you.
12
00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:04,056
Meet my father,
- Mitch Mitchler.
13
00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:06,892
All we need is
a couple of Chinese workers.
14
00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:09,261
He was a little
bit complicated.
15
00:02:19,073 --> 00:02:22,975
Maybe I was destined to become
an overcompensator as a dad,
16
00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:26,979
Christmas being the most
obvious manifestation of that.
17
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:29,141
Alright, here we go.
Okay, lean in, everyone.
18
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,750
I'm also a realist.
19
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,353
I can't control everything...
the weather, for instance.
20
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,155
Look Dad, it's snowing!
21
00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:38,357
Well, Bug,
that's actually fake snow.
22
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,092
Because of global warming.
23
00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:42,060
The warmest winter
on record in the Midwest
24
00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:44,963
assured a non-white Christmas.
25
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:48,800
The bigger issue by far,
was the Santa conundrum.
26
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,837
Vera was very much on
the fence, Santa-wise.
27
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,673
But Douglas still believed.
28
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,974
Dad, why are there two Santas?
29
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:57,376
But for how much longer?
30
00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:58,911
That guy's not Santa, Bug.
31
00:02:58,913 --> 00:03:00,512
He probably smells
like pee and burnt hair
32
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,914
because he's a welfare person.
33
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:02,948
Vera!
34
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,416
Santa's not real anyway.
35
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:07,286
Santa's not real, Dad?
36
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,621
Of course Santa's real.
37
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,823
No one's not real.
38
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:14,927
Everyone's real,
including Santa.
39
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:20,265
Vera, a word please.
40
00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:23,101
Whatever you think you know,
Vera, you don't.
41
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:25,370
Most kids in my class
don't believe in Santa anymore.
42
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,673
But Madison and me...
I mean Madison and I,
43
00:03:27,675 --> 00:03:31,276
we kinda still did,
except that Madison's sister,
44
00:03:31,278 --> 00:03:34,980
the one who did
the BJ to this kid...
45
00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:37,282
Uh, Vera, you don't
actually know what the B...
46
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:40,252
what that expression
means, do you?
47
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:41,954
It stands for butt jam,
and I think it has to do
48
00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:44,056
with jamming stuff
up your butt for money,
49
00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,424
but anyway,
Madison's sister,
50
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:47,693
she showed us this website,
nosanta.org.
51
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:50,062
Well, Madison's sister is
a deceitful little strumpet.
52
00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:51,897
What Dad means
is that it's okay
53
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:54,633
for you to decide
about Santa, but Douglas...
54
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,969
He absolutely believes.
55
00:03:56,971 --> 00:03:58,136
And we won't want to
do anything
56
00:03:58,138 --> 00:04:00,105
to spoil Christmas
for him, right?
57
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:03,141
Oh, right,
I won't spoil it for Bug, Dad.
58
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,476
Sorry.
59
00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,478
Thank you.
60
00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:13,385
You are a very kind
and generous young man.
61
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:16,688
And you are going
to have a very merry
62
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:19,658
and special Christmas.
63
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,860
Oh ho ho ho!
64
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:31,270
Hey, you wanna...
65
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:36,408
I wasn't gonna ask
if you wanna smoke meth
66
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,210
or kill a drifter.
67
00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:40,779
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
68
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,448
I just... I'm exhausted.
69
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,483
I'm with you.
70
00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,084
I just thought I should ask.
71
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,220
One day we're
gonna have to, right?
72
00:04:48,222 --> 00:04:51,823
Or, we could just enjoy
the slow descent into celibacy.
73
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,298
How many years
do you think Bug has left
74
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:03,902
where he walks into the
living room Christmas morning,
75
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,705
he sees the tree,
76
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:09,107
and presents,
his stomach just drops,
77
00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:13,278
because holy crap, Santa came?
78
00:05:15,848 --> 00:05:20,452
Can you imagine still having
that kind of belief in magic?
79
00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:25,123
Yeah, it's really cool.
80
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:29,094
Do you think
you're overcompensating
81
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,096
on the Christmas
thing, just a tad?
82
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:33,198
Overcompens...
on the Christmas thing?
83
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,133
No! I don't think that
at all.
84
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:36,401
He's six years old.
85
00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:38,337
Okay, this is
your brother, again.
86
00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:39,805
Pass.
87
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:42,007
You can't keep pretending
your family doesn't exist.
88
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,242
I'm pretty sure I can.
89
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:46,945
Come on babe, take the call,
before it wakes the kids up.
90
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,483
Hi, Nelson.
91
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,652
Whoa, that is spooky.
- How'd you know it was me?
92
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:55,887
We have caller ID,
so your number comes up.
93
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,290
Just right there on the phone?
94
00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:00,292
Boy, that is something.
I gotta look into that.
95
00:06:00,294 --> 00:06:01,893
You know, that's
a miracle of science.
96
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:02,895
Yeah, you bet.
97
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,364
Hold on one sec, Boyd.
98
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,768
Sorry to call you
so late by the way.
99
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,503
Is it night time
where you are, too?
100
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,805
No, it's 10 here too,
because Chicago and Wisconsin-
101
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:17,142
What is in the same time zone!
102
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,444
Yeah, we're in
the same time zone.
103
00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:23,281
I don't know if you caught
that, I said it like Jeopardy.
104
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:24,583
So anyway.
105
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:27,052
Oh, oh, right. So anyway,
I'm calling to tell you:
106
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:30,355
I scored myself a kid,
a little boy. I'm a dad.
107
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,757
Really?
108
00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:32,924
He seems to have procreated.
109
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,192
Eeww.
110
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,728
I was calling to say,
111
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,263
I want you to be the godfather.
112
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,899
Really?
We would be honoured.
113
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,601
That is just the best, Boyd.
114
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:45,337
Jeez, that is so...
I know it's short notice
115
00:06:45,339 --> 00:06:47,472
but the baptism's on the 24th.
116
00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:49,775
Oh, absolutely. We wouldn't
miss it for the world.
117
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:50,842
Sweet.
118
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,344
Uh, January or February?
119
00:06:52,346 --> 00:06:54,312
No Boyd, December.
December 24th.
120
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,680
Oh, you can't wait for it.
121
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:57,282
December? What?
122
00:06:57,284 --> 00:07:01,853
Nelson, you can't have a baptism
on Christmas Eve.
123
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,722
It doesn't...
124
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:06,224
Wait that would mean
125
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:10,262
that I'd have to spend
Christmas with Dad.
126
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:12,631
I'll smoke in my Goddamn
house if I want to.
127
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,834
It's my house. Name's right
there on the mortgage.
128
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:17,702
Right there on the mailbox.
129
00:07:17,704 --> 00:07:19,237
His name on the mortgage, Donna?
130
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,039
His name
on the friggin' mailbox?
131
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:23,575
No sir, it is not,
didn't think so.
132
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:26,711
Ipso facto ergo,
not his Goddamn house.
133
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:27,913
Jeezo!
134
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,848
Man you exhaust me, Mitch.
135
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,616
You know it is
a dream come true for me
136
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,186
to have my family
home on Christmas.
137
00:07:34,188 --> 00:07:36,455
There's no way they were
gonna get a motel room now
138
00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:38,723
at this late date,
and with Boyd's asthma...
139
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,859
Asthma?
Any other restrictions
140
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:42,427
Captain Wheezy
wants to put on me?
141
00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:45,397
Well, there is one more thing.
142
00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:49,034
I was planning on doing venison
for Christmas Eve supper,
143
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:51,670
but apparently, Boyd's
family doesn't eat red meat
144
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,737
and I was...
145
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:55,340
Christ's sake!
146
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:13,725
Is that all of Douglas' stuff?
147
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,093
Si. What about Vera's?
148
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,761
I hid it
in the car this morning.
149
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:17,863
Oh, you're aces!
150
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,764
Tu tambien!
151
00:08:19,766 --> 00:08:21,766
So, you ready to see your dad?
152
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:24,536
Yeah, can't wait. I'm
actually looking forward to it.
153
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:25,837
Really?
154
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,340
No, I'd rather be
sodomized by an angry clown!
155
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:31,476
I just want the kids
to have a good Christmas.
156
00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:32,577
Me, too.
157
00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:33,912
Dad?
158
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:35,647
Hey, hi, what are you doing?
159
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:36,815
Hi, Dougie doodle.
160
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,750
Who's gonna feed
Dale while we're gone?
161
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,785
Oh, that would be...
Farhad.
162
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:41,787
Who's Farhad?
163
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:42,888
Mom's ESL student.
164
00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:44,256
What's ESL?
165
00:08:44,258 --> 00:08:46,291
Remember, English
as a second language?
166
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:48,493
Why don't you tell him, Dad?
I'll race you upstairs.
167
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:02,574
¶ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ¶
168
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:07,112
¶ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ¶
169
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,915
¶ Dashing through the snow ¶
170
00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:12,317
¶ In a one-horse open sleigh ¶
171
00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:14,619
¶ O'er the fields we go ¶
172
00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:16,955
¶ Laughing all the way ¶
173
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:19,257
¶ Bells on Bobtail ring ¶
174
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,226
¶ Making spirits bright ¶
175
00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:26,231
Son of a bitch.
176
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,832
Mom, Dad said "bitch."
177
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:30,569
Bitch is a bad word, Bug.
You can use bastard or ass.
178
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:31,603
Hey, you guys, come on.
179
00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:40,278
Hey, we're twins!
180
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,448
Ha ha ha, merry Christmas!
181
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,584
Licence and proof
of insurance, please.
182
00:09:46,986 --> 00:09:48,520
Awesome.
183
00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:52,591
So, I did clock you doing
67 in a 45, Mr. Mitchler.
184
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,492
Yeah, the bum deal
about that is,
185
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:58,496
it's a 450-dollar infraction,
but there is some good news.
186
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:01,566
You can pay online now,
in the state of Wisconsin.
187
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,902
Yeah, it's a real sweet
website, takes Discover,
188
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:08,807
so you get the cash back
which, you know, helps out.
189
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,942
Alright, kids,
hope Santa treats you good!
190
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,444
Take care! Merry Christmas!
191
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:15,080
Merry Christmas.
192
00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:17,749
You bet.
193
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:23,822
Oh, where the heck
can they be?
194
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,890
Oh, don't get
your knickers in a knot.
195
00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:27,158
You having a good time, Dad?
196
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,927
Oh yeah, I'm delirious.
197
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,929
I want some milk.
198
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:33,031
You have to wait 'til supper
like the rest of us, Cale.
199
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,366
Where is the sex offender?
200
00:10:34,368 --> 00:10:36,568
He's not a sex offender!
201
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:39,571
What should I call him
then, Willy Wanker?
202
00:10:39,573 --> 00:10:41,573
With the help of
our marriage counsellor,
203
00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:44,542
me and Dave have worked
through his transgressions.
204
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:48,680
So my husband, Dad,
is outside smoking a heater.
205
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:03,328
Dad, Rance is being a gomer!
206
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,296
Hey you guys, cut it out!
207
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,931
Where the hell did you
get that thing from?
208
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:08,500
I took it.
209
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,862
Well, put it the hell back
from where you took it from!
210
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:17,409
Thank you.
211
00:11:17,411 --> 00:11:20,578
Aw, crud,
I can't find my camera.
212
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:22,213
Mitch, go look for it,
will you?
213
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,115
For cripe's sake,
we're not National Geographic.
214
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,617
They're not some
bunch of bonobos.
215
00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:28,353
Mitch, they have never
been here for Christmas.
216
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,088
Well, whose fault
is that? Not mine.
217
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,656
Boyd's the one who thinks
he's too good for us.
218
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:34,359
Having my family here
means everything to me.
219
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:37,028
So quit being such an a-hole,
220
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,397
and go look for my G-D camera!
221
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,502
They're here!
222
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,705
Shut up, tramp stamp!
223
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,076
Mitch, hurry up, Boyd's here.
224
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,844
Boyd!
225
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,145
Hey!
Oh, honey!
226
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,680
Mom!
227
00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,282
I love you.
228
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,517
I love you.
It's great to be home.
229
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,653
You are looking fine as wine.
230
00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:04,456
Can you believe it, Boyd,
all of us together at Christmas!
231
00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:06,524
I know, it's great.
Well, where's the Nel?
232
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:08,793
Nelson and the baby
are meeting us at church.
233
00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:10,028
Gotcha.
234
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:13,098
Isn't this perfect,
Boyd? This is perfect.
235
00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:21,139
Stop! Don't hurt me!
236
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,607
Don't... don't...
237
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:30,949
Dad, you okay?
238
00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,517
I'm fine.
239
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:34,586
You're welcome,
anytime. You're family.
240
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:43,261
You okay?
241
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,662
Puba!
242
00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,865
Dougie Doodle!
How are you, little bugger?
243
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,801
Everybody get together
for a quick photo,
244
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:52,270
and then we gotta
get ready for church.
245
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:56,274
¶ That glorious song of old ¶
246
00:12:57,409 --> 00:13:02,614
¶ From angels bending
near the earth ¶
247
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:08,319
¶ To touch their harps of gold ¶
248
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:15,794
¶...goodwill to men from
heavens all gracious king ¶
249
00:13:16,996 --> 00:13:21,166
¶ I really don't
know the words to say ¶
250
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:26,371
¶ So now I don't have to sing ¶
251
00:13:29,241 --> 00:13:34,445
Uh, well, of course most of
you remember my wife, Cindy,
252
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,948
and might have known
that when I was in basic,
253
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:40,919
over by Fort Digs, she ran
off with this Mexican guy,
254
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:43,822
who played a little minor
league ball for the Wombats.
255
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:47,025
Uh, pretty halfway
decent shortstop.
256
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:50,195
Anyhow, he got her pregnant,
this Mexican guy did,
257
00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:53,531
so Cindy comes by
the house one day, and goes,
258
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,266
"Hey Nelson,
would you mind
259
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,569
"looking after the baby
for a while?"
260
00:13:57,571 --> 00:14:00,638
And I said,
"Yeah, yeah sure, no sweat."
261
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,240
And anyhow, that was
six months ago
262
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,642
and I still got
this kid of hers, so.
263
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:07,579
He don't have
a name that I know of,
264
00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:09,514
so I've just been
calling him Baby.
265
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:12,517
But you know, he is
a real, real good boy.
266
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,987
And uh, that's why
I want to name him Boyd,
267
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,455
after my own big brother,
268
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:20,758
who is just
a heck of a good guy himself.
269
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,595
So, I am presenting
Boyd Jr.
270
00:14:23,597 --> 00:14:27,799
as a candidate
for holy baptism.
271
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,372
Except I figure
I'm gonna call him BJ.
272
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:39,577
Welcome to the family, BJ.
273
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:42,280
Dear God,
I look around this table,
274
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,115
and I see a family.
275
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,516
I know we're not perfect,
Lord God,
276
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:48,319
even though some people
think they are.
277
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:53,191
We've all got foibles,
peccadilloes if you will.
278
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:56,327
I'm not gonna name names, Dave;
it's not the time or the place.
279
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,830
Anyhow I just want to
say, thank you, Lord Jesus,
280
00:14:58,832 --> 00:15:01,733
Lamb of God, for bringing
us together here.
281
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,434
And now each one of us
is gonna say something
282
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,904
they're thankful for.
Donna, do it.
283
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,772
Oh, uh,
284
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:11,476
I'm thankful little
BJ's christening went okay.
285
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:16,114
But mostly I'm thankful
we're all here together.
286
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,849
That's a dream for me.
287
00:15:17,851 --> 00:15:18,950
Skol.
288
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,885
Skol!
289
00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:22,520
It's a prayer Donna,
not a toast, come on.
290
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,489
Shauna, you're up.
291
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,257
Oh. Uh, I'm grateful
292
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:30,528
that through the grace
of our Lord Jesus Christ,
293
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,997
I'm able to forgive all of you
294
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,099
for all the pain
you've caused me,
295
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:38,536
and, thanks to me and
Dave's marriage counsellor,
296
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:41,272
uh, we are back
on the marriage train,
297
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:45,143
and we are gonna ride it all
the way into the station.
298
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,511
Right?
299
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:49,614
Well, I got one.
300
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:50,915
I thank God that
he gave me the ability
301
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,784
to give 110 percent,
and take first
302
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,352
for the WISEA
under-fourteen regionals.
303
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:58,623
WISEA stands for Wisconsin
Competitive Eating Association.
304
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:03,428
Rancer ate 27 Johnsonville
brats in five minutes.
305
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:06,064
That's a lot of brats.
- Way to go, Rance.
306
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:10,902
That is... uh,
that is really neat.
307
00:16:10,904 --> 00:16:13,271
Let's give it the devil, Rancer.
Come on, pound these back.
308
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:14,706
Go, Rancer!
309
00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:16,507
Go, go, go, Rancer!
310
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:20,278
Get it. Go-o-o, Rancer.
Go, go, go, Rancer.
311
00:16:30,056 --> 00:16:33,391
That's what I'm talking about!
Come on!
312
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,960
Wow, that is
really, really neat.
313
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:37,895
How many hot dogs
can you eat, Dougie doodle?
314
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,797
We're not allowed
to eat hot dogs.
315
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,733
We're a macrobiotic household.
316
00:16:41,735 --> 00:16:43,801
For crying out loud,
Boyd, what's this crap?
317
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:45,403
You're gonna turn your kids
into a couple of beatniks.
318
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,071
Our kids are fine!
319
00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:49,140
I know they're fine.
- I'm just saying,
320
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:50,675
you don't want your boy
to turn into a Sally, do ya?
321
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,110
Don't tell me
how to raise my kids.
322
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,212
Don't tell me
what to do in my house!
323
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:57,115
Is your name on the mailbox?!
I didn't think so!
324
00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,950
Oh really,
the mailbox line again, Dad?
325
00:16:58,952 --> 00:17:01,786
Great, you sparked
Nelson's PTSD.
326
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:05,156
Post-traumatic
stress disorder.
327
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:08,726
When things get tense,
Nelly gets a little squirrely.
328
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:12,296
He has to go into
a dark, quiet space.
329
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:15,299
It's from the war.
330
00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:17,001
What war, Mom?
331
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,569
He fell out of
the back of a Humvee
332
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:19,937
during basic training
and was discharged.
333
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,140
A head injury!
334
00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:25,777
He got a head injury
serving his country!
335
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:32,917
Okay.
336
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:40,391
Mmm! What...
337
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,995
Why are there shotgun
pellets in my chicken?
338
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,664
Dad.
339
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:50,001
Because it's squirrel.
340
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:00,878
Honey, no, we're not leaving.
341
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,582
He fed me a rodent
for Christmas dinner.
342
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:07,885
Well, you're the only
one who ate squirrel.
343
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,854
Ours was really chicken.
344
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:11,355
You did say that
you could handle anything
345
00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:13,257
as long as the kids
were having a good Christmas,
346
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,827
and the kids are having
a great Christmas.
347
00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:22,366
Think you can just flex
those emotional muscles,
348
00:18:22,368 --> 00:18:25,303
just a little bit,
and think of Douglas?
349
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:32,710
I want some more dessert!
350
00:18:42,354 --> 00:18:44,655
And that's how
you make 50 dollars an hour.
351
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,090
Puba?
352
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,092
Yeah, Dougie?
353
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,726
I want us to leave Santa
a snack,
354
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:51,262
but Rance ate all the cookies
in like, 10 seconds,
355
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:53,264
and then he drank
a whole gallon of milk.
356
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,799
Whoa.
357
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,435
So, I was wondering
if you had anything else
358
00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,403
that I could give to Santa?
359
00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:03,608
Of course I do, Bug.
360
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:04,742
I know something
that Santa loves
361
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,944
a lot more
than milk and cookies.
362
00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:13,818
Dear Santa, Puba said you
would enjoy this bourbon
363
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:16,754
and asparagus.
I hope you like it a lot.
364
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,524
Love, your very good
friend, Douglas Mitchler.
365
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:23,227
¶ Shake that ass, bitch,
and let me see what you got ¶
366
00:19:23,229 --> 00:19:26,864
¶ Shake that ass, bitch,
and let me see what you got ¶
367
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,066
¶ Shake that ass, bitch,
and let me see what you got ¶
368
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:32,003
Whoa, that's pretty neat, Pam.
369
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,138
I know, I've got
over 75 hits so far.
370
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:36,841
Your average is zero stars
'cause you suck, turdbait.
371
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,976
Shut up, jackwipe!
372
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,714
Hey, that's not very
Christmassy behaviour.
373
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,183
Gather up.
374
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:51,255
So, we have a tradition
in our family
375
00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:54,792
where we read
The Night Before Christmas
376
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:58,329
the night before Christmas.
Get it?
377
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:00,965
This is mentally challenged.
378
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,767
Do you think
this is a joke, Rance?
379
00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:04,869
This isn't a joke.
This is Christmas.
380
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,871
We're not two, Uncle Boyd!
381
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,540
I mean, all this
Santa crap is for babies!
382
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,509
Every dumbass knows
there's no such thing!
383
00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:12,843
Shut up!
384
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:15,446
Shut your mouth!
Shut your big, eating mouth!
385
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:16,914
Right now, shut it!
386
00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:23,421
Santa will find
me here, right Dad?
387
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,356
Of course he will, Bug.
388
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,225
In fact, Santa
just texted me to say
389
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:30,728
that he made you
an amazing present!
390
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,798
But you're gonna have to wait
until morning to see it.
391
00:20:37,202 --> 00:20:38,903
Okay.
392
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,572
Look at this pile of crap.
- This country's so damn excessive
393
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,074
it makes me wanna puke.
394
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:45,743
Oh put a sock in it,
Mitchler.
395
00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:48,012
Well, they're all down.
396
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:49,280
Oh that's super, honey.
397
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,282
Good job.
398
00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:54,619
Where's Douglas' stuff?
399
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:57,021
Oh gosh, buried
in there somewhere.
400
00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:05,730
Everything's out of the car?
401
00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:07,531
I got the last
of it out of there.
402
00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:09,166
Well, none of it's here.
403
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:14,138
None of Douglas'
presents are here.
404
00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:21,812
No, that's impossible.
405
00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:23,648
You put them in the car
this morning.
406
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:25,116
I didn't, you did.
407
00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:26,651
No, you gave me the thumbs up!
408
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,552
Meaning you do it,
and you nodded!
409
00:21:28,554 --> 00:21:30,621
Wait, what are you two saying?
410
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:31,922
Boyd...
411
00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:33,457
Not Boyd, Luann!
412
00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:36,560
Boyd and I left all of
Douglas' stuff in Chicago.
413
00:21:36,562 --> 00:21:38,362
Oh, jeez.
414
00:21:38,364 --> 00:21:41,299
It's gonna be fine!
- We'll think of something!
415
00:21:41,301 --> 00:21:43,067
Right?
416
00:21:43,069 --> 00:21:46,570
Uh, oh I have an idea.
Uh, what's it called, Toys "R"...
417
00:21:46,572 --> 00:21:48,139
Us.
418
00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:50,574
Babe, the mall closes at six,
all right?
419
00:21:50,576 --> 00:21:52,109
Just sit there and look pretty.
420
00:21:52,111 --> 00:21:54,312
Okay, listen, Randy Sickle
over there in Commercial,
421
00:21:54,314 --> 00:21:55,946
they're open 24 hours,
we'll go over there,
422
00:21:55,948 --> 00:21:57,315
pick him up maybe one of
those singing bass plaques
423
00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:58,816
and a mesh hat.
424
00:21:58,818 --> 00:22:01,218
Hey, come on, he's seven. Throw
in a pack of grape hike shoes
425
00:22:01,220 --> 00:22:03,888
boom,
it's done. What do you say?
426
00:22:03,890 --> 00:22:06,490
The kid's never gonna know the
difference. "Christmas, hey!"
427
00:22:06,492 --> 00:22:09,560
That's exactly
what you would do!
428
00:22:09,562 --> 00:22:11,195
Nice parenting, really nice!
429
00:22:11,197 --> 00:22:13,264
Last time I checked, it
ain't exactly great parenting
430
00:22:13,266 --> 00:22:16,200
ruining your kid's
Christmas, Prime Time!
431
00:22:16,202 --> 00:22:18,169
I should knock
you on your ass.
432
00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:20,338
Oh really? Bring it Sally!
I'd love to see you try!
433
00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:21,539
Come on!
434
00:22:25,611 --> 00:22:27,511
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
435
00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:30,014
Now if we're gonna do this,
436
00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:31,682
we're gonna need
some ground rules.
437
00:22:31,684 --> 00:22:34,218
I'm going. I'm driving back.
It's not even 11.
438
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:35,920
That gives me eight hours
until he's up. I'm going.
439
00:22:35,922 --> 00:22:37,421
Boyd, don't go!
440
00:22:37,423 --> 00:22:39,490
You can't do it,
it's too far!
441
00:22:39,492 --> 00:22:42,293
He's not going anywhere,
Donna, he's all show and no go.
442
00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:48,766
Boyd. Boyd, stop.
443
00:22:48,768 --> 00:22:51,736
You've had four hours of sleep.
You're gonna kill yourself!
444
00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:54,638
Any day now,
Douglas is gonna wake up
445
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,108
and realize the world
is a mean, nasty place
446
00:22:57,110 --> 00:22:58,676
where your hopes and dreams
447
00:22:58,678 --> 00:23:01,912
eventually get smashed to bits.
Until then, he needs this.
448
00:23:01,914 --> 00:23:03,714
I'm sorry, who needs this?
449
00:23:03,716 --> 00:23:08,252
If I can just make him
believe for one more Christmas.
450
00:23:08,254 --> 00:23:10,888
Having Christmas
is not about stuff, Boyd.
451
00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:12,656
Look, just wait.
Okay, go tomorrow,
452
00:23:12,658 --> 00:23:14,425
when you've had some sleep.
453
00:23:14,427 --> 00:23:16,827
We'll say that
we delayed Christmas a day.
454
00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:19,096
We'll make it fun.
455
00:23:19,098 --> 00:23:22,400
I understand. Mitch
ruined Christmas for you,
456
00:23:22,402 --> 00:23:25,903
but you have proven
a million times over,
457
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,706
you're not him.
You're such a great dad.
458
00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:31,108
This is just crazy!
459
00:23:32,310 --> 00:23:33,611
Hey, hey.
460
00:23:33,613 --> 00:23:36,013
Look, you're running away
from your father again!
461
00:23:36,015 --> 00:23:37,915
You can't keep doing this!
462
00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:40,551
Boyd, wait, I'm coming with you!
- Let me just put up some coffee!
463
00:23:40,553 --> 00:23:43,120
It's about
an eight-hour round trip,
464
00:23:43,122 --> 00:23:46,223
which gets me back
here at what, sevenish,
465
00:23:46,225 --> 00:23:50,094
so just make sure the kids
stay downstairs until 7:30.
466
00:23:50,096 --> 00:23:51,562
This is doable,
but I gotta go now.
467
00:23:51,564 --> 00:23:53,564
Be careful, honey!
468
00:24:02,808 --> 00:24:04,842
Merry Christmas.
469
00:24:31,570 --> 00:24:34,104
I made this ornament
when I was a kid once,
470
00:24:34,106 --> 00:24:37,541
out of a pine cone.
471
00:24:37,543 --> 00:24:39,777
It had the googly eyes on it
and the white cotton deals,
472
00:24:39,779 --> 00:24:41,011
you know
what I'm talking about?
473
00:24:41,013 --> 00:24:42,480
Shut the hell
up, you degenerate.
474
00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:43,280
Pervert.
475
00:24:43,282 --> 00:24:44,949
He's not a pervert!
476
00:24:44,951 --> 00:24:47,751
A guy who exposes himself
to a busload of old folks
477
00:24:47,753 --> 00:24:49,153
on their way to Oneida bingo,
478
00:24:49,155 --> 00:24:50,654
what the hell should I call him
if not pervert?
479
00:24:50,656 --> 00:24:52,323
Friggin' pillar
of the community?
480
00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:54,558
I have explained this situation
to you a hundred times.
481
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,527
In Dave's defence,
he was drunk!
482
00:24:56,529 --> 00:24:57,328
Very!
483
00:24:57,330 --> 00:24:58,829
And in his second defence,
484
00:24:58,831 --> 00:25:01,765
someone double-dog dared him
to do it, so that...
485
00:25:01,767 --> 00:25:05,169
Okay. Who wants to look at
some slides? Or, I know,
486
00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:06,971
how about a game of cribbage?
487
00:25:08,241 --> 00:25:10,107
Oh, I've got that.
488
00:25:11,910 --> 00:25:13,410
Hello?
489
00:25:13,412 --> 00:25:15,179
Is it him?
- Is he okay? What happened?
490
00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:18,148
He's fine, but...
Aw crud.
491
00:25:20,886 --> 00:25:23,087
Dammit.
492
00:25:37,802 --> 00:25:40,104
Looky here. BMW.
493
00:25:40,106 --> 00:25:43,574
Short for
Bavarian Money Waster.
494
00:25:43,576 --> 00:25:45,376
Looks like the sheisse
hit the fan here.
495
00:25:45,378 --> 00:25:46,810
I'm gonna hitchhike.
Really?
496
00:25:46,812 --> 00:25:48,679
Christmas Eve,
no one's gonna pick you up.
497
00:25:48,681 --> 00:25:49,813
Come on, let's go.
498
00:25:49,815 --> 00:25:51,382
I'm not giving up.
499
00:25:51,384 --> 00:25:53,183
You go ahead and go
home. I don't need you.
500
00:25:53,185 --> 00:25:55,319
Yeah, but Douglas does.
501
00:25:55,321 --> 00:25:59,156
So come on.
Get in the truck, Gladys.
502
00:25:59,158 --> 00:26:03,160
We got Christmas to save.
503
00:26:18,711 --> 00:26:21,979
¶ Silent night ¶
504
00:26:21,981 --> 00:26:23,714
¶ Holy night ¶
505
00:26:29,621 --> 00:26:33,090
¶ All is calm ¶
506
00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:36,293
¶ All is bright ¶
507
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:43,267
¶ Round yon virgin ¶
508
00:26:43,269 --> 00:26:47,338
¶ Mother and child ¶
509
00:26:50,041 --> 00:26:53,744
¶ Holy infant ¶
510
00:26:53,746 --> 00:26:57,715
¶ So tender and mild ¶
511
00:27:01,186 --> 00:27:05,389
¶ Sleep in heavenly peace ¶
512
00:27:07,826 --> 00:27:11,028
It don't add up, boy.
- You got a guy tootin' around
513
00:27:11,030 --> 00:27:13,197
the whole Goddamn planet
in one night.
514
00:27:13,199 --> 00:27:16,800
That sleigh'd have to be going
25, 30.000 miles per hour,
515
00:27:16,802 --> 00:27:19,069
minimum. Now, if we had
that type of technology, shit,
516
00:27:19,071 --> 00:27:23,040
we'd be blowing the tits
off the friggin' Viet Kong.
517
00:27:23,042 --> 00:27:24,341
It's all a sham.
518
00:27:24,343 --> 00:27:25,542
Sham.
519
00:27:25,544 --> 00:27:27,478
Sham.
520
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,447
What the heck's
up with that son of a B?
521
00:27:30,449 --> 00:27:31,915
You know what he is, right?
522
00:27:31,917 --> 00:27:33,717
Sham.
Damn right.
523
00:27:33,719 --> 00:27:35,853
What kind of creep goes
sneaking into a kid's room
524
00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:38,055
and putting chump
change under a pillow?
525
00:27:38,057 --> 00:27:40,491
What the hell's he need
all those teeth for? Pervert.
526
00:27:40,493 --> 00:27:44,294
The whole world
is full of lies, Boyd.
527
00:27:44,296 --> 00:27:45,729
The only road to happiness
528
00:27:45,731 --> 00:27:48,966
is realizing there's no road
to happiness.
529
00:27:48,968 --> 00:27:51,368
Alright, I'm going to bed.
You finish it up on your own.
530
00:27:53,572 --> 00:27:55,906
Oh yeah, eat me!
531
00:28:01,813 --> 00:28:04,682
First off...
532
00:28:05,818 --> 00:28:09,219
And second,
I have asthma, Dad, asthma.
533
00:28:09,221 --> 00:28:12,623
And it is not
all in my head,
534
00:28:12,625 --> 00:28:14,792
as you have so astutely
hypothesized in the past.
535
00:28:14,794 --> 00:28:17,094
It is an actual
medical condition
536
00:28:17,096 --> 00:28:18,696
that could actually kill me.
537
00:28:18,698 --> 00:28:23,300
So please,
put out the damn cigar.
538
00:28:23,302 --> 00:28:26,170
What the hell's that all
about? You on the friggin' rag?
539
00:28:26,172 --> 00:28:27,738
Come on.
540
00:28:40,885 --> 00:28:42,586
Come on, lighten up, Boyd.
541
00:28:42,588 --> 00:28:45,055
We got all night ahead of us.
542
00:28:45,057 --> 00:28:48,926
Let's have a little fun here.
543
00:28:56,434 --> 00:28:58,001
I bet they're having a ball.
544
00:28:58,003 --> 00:28:59,570
Yeah, yippee!
545
00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:02,306
It does make me feel better
that Mitch went with him.
546
00:29:02,308 --> 00:29:05,109
Them two hate each
other's guts, I thought.
547
00:29:05,111 --> 00:29:08,178
Okay, cut it out,
you guys, we're a family.
548
00:29:08,180 --> 00:29:10,514
And it's Christmas, jeez.
549
00:29:10,516 --> 00:29:13,250
You know, Mom, I, uh,
don't want to make you feel bad
550
00:29:13,252 --> 00:29:16,019
with what I'm about to say,
being that it's Christmas
551
00:29:16,021 --> 00:29:19,223
and all but, a lot
of this is your fault.
552
00:29:19,225 --> 00:29:20,924
Dave and I's marriage counsellor
553
00:29:20,926 --> 00:29:22,960
says that a lot of
my self-esteem problems
554
00:29:22,962 --> 00:29:25,129
come from the fact that
you never confronted Dad
555
00:29:25,131 --> 00:29:27,698
about his drinking.
556
00:29:27,700 --> 00:29:30,467
So it's why I seek approval
557
00:29:30,469 --> 00:29:33,203
from people who treat me
like wet dog crap.
558
00:29:33,205 --> 00:29:34,805
Who needs anything?
559
00:29:34,807 --> 00:29:38,809
We've got leftovers,
we've got hot dish. Beer?
560
00:29:38,811 --> 00:29:39,977
Reeb me!
561
00:29:39,979 --> 00:29:42,513
That's beer spelled
backwards, honey.
562
00:29:50,188 --> 00:29:51,722
Vera.
563
00:29:53,191 --> 00:29:54,925
Yeah, Bug?
564
00:29:54,927 --> 00:29:56,460
Was Rance about to say
565
00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:58,422
that there's
no such thing as Santa?
566
00:29:59,764 --> 00:30:02,733
Rance is a certified
moron, Douglas.
567
00:30:02,735 --> 00:30:04,535
So whatever he was about to say
568
00:30:04,537 --> 00:30:07,204
would have been
certified moronic.
569
00:30:07,206 --> 00:30:09,273
Of course there's a Santa.
570
00:30:09,275 --> 00:30:10,607
Promise?
571
00:30:10,609 --> 00:30:12,309
I promise.
572
00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:15,112
When you see your presents
under the tree in the morning,
573
00:30:15,114 --> 00:30:18,081
you'll believe again, you will.
574
00:30:18,083 --> 00:30:21,385
Now lie down.
575
00:30:24,289 --> 00:30:26,490
Okay.
576
00:30:43,875 --> 00:30:46,910
Wow, 53 degrees.
So much for a white Christmas.
577
00:30:46,912 --> 00:30:48,579
Who needs one?
Yesterday I was golfing.
578
00:30:48,581 --> 00:30:50,581
You would have caught
me in my shirtsleeves.
579
00:30:50,583 --> 00:30:52,983
Kicked Bill Gorsky's
ass, the fat pollack.
580
00:30:52,985 --> 00:30:55,953
I said "if this is global
warming, I'll take it."
581
00:30:55,955 --> 00:30:57,454
Pollack. Nice, Dad.
582
00:30:57,456 --> 00:30:58,689
Technically he's a bohunk.
583
00:30:58,691 --> 00:31:00,624
I got more if you need 'em.
584
00:31:03,394 --> 00:31:04,962
Hi, uh, where's the...
585
00:31:04,964 --> 00:31:06,797
Just past the cheese.
586
00:31:17,076 --> 00:31:19,409
I can guess your nationality
without even seeing you.
587
00:31:19,411 --> 00:31:21,511
European.
588
00:31:22,313 --> 00:31:23,580
You get it?
589
00:31:23,582 --> 00:31:25,148
You're a-peein'.
590
00:31:25,150 --> 00:31:26,884
Ha, yeah, got it.
591
00:31:26,886 --> 00:31:28,852
Ho ho ho.
592
00:31:29,821 --> 00:31:32,155
Hey, you got any bourbon?
Just a...
593
00:31:33,424 --> 00:31:34,892
I wish I did, sorry.
594
00:31:34,894 --> 00:31:37,094
That's okay, that's okay.
595
00:31:39,264 --> 00:31:44,468
So, you having yourself
a merry little Christmas?
596
00:31:46,271 --> 00:31:47,838
I wouldn't say that exactly.
597
00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:50,307
Well, nobody said it
was easy now, did they?
598
00:31:50,309 --> 00:31:52,009
I mean, take my journey
here tonight.
599
00:31:52,011 --> 00:31:53,577
I mean, logic-wise,
600
00:31:53,579 --> 00:31:55,145
that whole deal doesn't really
add up, does it?
601
00:31:55,147 --> 00:31:56,914
I mean my sleigh'd have to be
doing what,
602
00:31:56,916 --> 00:32:01,184
25, 30.000 miles an hour?
Minimum?
603
00:32:05,757 --> 00:32:08,525
But I always make it.
Somehow I always do, you know.
604
00:32:08,527 --> 00:32:10,093
I mean, it's not always
easy, like I say,
605
00:32:10,095 --> 00:32:12,195
but miracles never are.
They're tricky little things,
606
00:32:12,197 --> 00:32:14,264
miracles. Sometimes they look
at you right in the face.
607
00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:15,999
They're right in front of you,
608
00:32:16,001 --> 00:32:17,668
staring at you in the mirror,
and you didn't even see them.
609
00:32:17,670 --> 00:32:19,803
It's crazy.
610
00:32:19,805 --> 00:32:22,572
Um...
611
00:32:22,574 --> 00:32:24,508
Have a merry
Christmas, Santa.
612
00:32:24,510 --> 00:32:26,410
I always do, buddy.
613
00:32:26,412 --> 00:32:28,612
I always do.
614
00:32:31,416 --> 00:32:32,983
Have fun in there.
615
00:32:32,985 --> 00:32:34,484
I'll name it after you.
616
00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:36,019
Hi, can I get
a couple of coffees?
617
00:32:36,021 --> 00:32:39,056
That's your old man?
Virgil Mitch. Ole Mitch, huh?
618
00:32:39,058 --> 00:32:40,424
Yeah, I'm Boyd.
619
00:32:40,426 --> 00:32:41,625
You're Boyd!
620
00:32:41,627 --> 00:32:43,527
Yeah, you're the smart one.
621
00:32:43,529 --> 00:32:46,897
You got a full ride
at the UW.
622
00:32:46,899 --> 00:32:49,399
And now
you're a stockbroker, is it?
623
00:32:49,401 --> 00:32:51,068
Down in Chi-town?
624
00:32:51,070 --> 00:32:52,336
I manage a hedge fund.
625
00:32:52,338 --> 00:32:54,071
Oh yeah, that's right.
626
00:32:54,073 --> 00:32:56,907
But your dad tells me
you make a truckload of money.
627
00:32:56,909 --> 00:32:59,209
I don't know about that.
I work too much.
628
00:32:59,211 --> 00:33:03,547
Well, anyhow, nice
to have a face with the name.
629
00:33:03,549 --> 00:33:06,483
Your pop, that crazy old
son of a,
630
00:33:06,485 --> 00:33:09,119
he's in here pretty near
once a week,
631
00:33:09,121 --> 00:33:12,122
and I get an earful
about your family.
632
00:33:12,124 --> 00:33:13,256
Uh-oh.
633
00:33:13,258 --> 00:33:14,858
No! Mitch talks a blue streak
634
00:33:14,860 --> 00:33:17,594
about how good you're doing.
635
00:33:17,596 --> 00:33:22,866
Must be nice for y'all to have
Christmas together, ain't it?
636
00:33:22,868 --> 00:33:24,868
Uh, it is.
637
00:33:26,571 --> 00:33:27,671
What do I owe you?
638
00:33:27,673 --> 00:33:29,406
No, come on.
639
00:33:29,408 --> 00:33:32,009
Merry Christmas now, Boyd.
640
00:33:32,011 --> 00:33:34,011
Merry Christmas.
641
00:33:53,164 --> 00:33:55,932
You know how to
drive a manual, tranny?
642
00:33:55,934 --> 00:33:58,035
You don't remember
643
00:33:58,037 --> 00:34:01,138
the day you taught me
how to drive a stick?
644
00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:02,806
Should I?
645
00:34:02,808 --> 00:34:06,043
October 26, 1983, you may
recall, was my 12th birthday.
646
00:34:06,045 --> 00:34:08,845
You may also recall
that you were too hammered
647
00:34:08,847 --> 00:34:11,715
to drive home from my party,
648
00:34:11,717 --> 00:34:13,884
so I drove home.
649
00:34:14,685 --> 00:34:16,086
Is that right?
650
00:34:16,088 --> 00:34:17,888
Well, I must have been
doing something right,
651
00:34:17,890 --> 00:34:19,756
'cause you still remember how.
652
00:34:19,758 --> 00:34:21,391
Yes, it is one of
life's greatest indignities
653
00:34:21,393 --> 00:34:25,328
that you never won
the Father of the Year award.
654
00:34:27,633 --> 00:34:28,732
Hey, careful!
655
00:34:28,734 --> 00:34:30,500
Can't you take a joke, Sally?
656
00:34:30,502 --> 00:34:33,236
Now you're pissing me off.
- Let's just get this done.
657
00:34:33,238 --> 00:34:34,905
Maybe you need to
piss on the radiator.
658
00:34:34,907 --> 00:34:37,107
Whoa, what was that?
659
00:34:40,778 --> 00:34:42,145
Tit.
660
00:34:44,949 --> 00:34:46,249
Want me to go peek in on BJ?
661
00:34:46,251 --> 00:34:47,517
No, I'll do it, Shauna.
662
00:34:47,519 --> 00:34:49,352
Wait a second, where's Nelson?
663
00:34:49,354 --> 00:34:51,021
Last time I saw him
he was going ape-crap
664
00:34:51,023 --> 00:34:52,622
because Mitch
and Boyd were scrapping.
665
00:34:52,624 --> 00:34:54,157
Well, that was two hours ago.
666
00:34:54,159 --> 00:34:56,093
Oh shoot, Nelson!
667
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,195
Nelson!
668
00:35:00,099 --> 00:35:01,798
Nelson.
669
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:04,101
Nelson, baby, come on.
670
00:35:05,236 --> 00:35:07,170
Nelson.
671
00:35:09,507 --> 00:35:11,842
Nelson.
672
00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:15,612
Where are you?
673
00:35:16,848 --> 00:35:19,349
Oh, he's not where
he usually goes.
674
00:35:19,351 --> 00:35:22,752
Whenever he gets panicked
he just falls asleep
675
00:35:22,754 --> 00:35:24,888
in the craziest places.
676
00:35:24,890 --> 00:35:28,024
I found him all balled up in
the middle of the road a coup...
677
00:35:28,026 --> 00:35:31,061
Oh my God.
678
00:35:32,096 --> 00:35:33,964
Nelson!
679
00:35:33,966 --> 00:35:35,932
Where are you, baby?
Wake up!
680
00:35:35,934 --> 00:35:36,766
Nelson!
681
00:35:36,768 --> 00:35:38,235
Nelson!
682
00:35:38,237 --> 00:35:40,370
Nelson! Where are you,
Nelson? Wake up!
683
00:35:40,372 --> 00:35:42,038
Donna, be careful!
684
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:43,273
Nelson!
685
00:35:43,275 --> 00:35:45,976
Nelson!
686
00:35:45,978 --> 00:35:48,445
Oh... oh, dear Lord Jesus.
687
00:35:48,447 --> 00:35:50,647
¶ Jingle all the way ¶
688
00:35:50,649 --> 00:35:53,450
No, you can't sing low.
I know, high.
689
00:35:53,452 --> 00:35:54,951
¶ Wayyyy ¶
690
00:35:54,953 --> 00:35:57,020
Oh no, stop, stop, stop!
691
00:35:58,656 --> 00:36:00,824
¶ Oh what fun it is to ride ¶
692
00:36:00,826 --> 00:36:02,826
Dude, you just hit something.
693
00:36:02,828 --> 00:36:05,395
¶...open sleigh ¶
694
00:36:09,467 --> 00:36:12,002
Good night.
695
00:36:12,004 --> 00:36:14,204
Put your hands down
and let's do this.
696
00:36:16,307 --> 00:36:17,874
Ahem, I love you ve...
I love you very much.
697
00:36:17,876 --> 00:36:19,242
Let's go, come on.
See?
698
00:36:19,244 --> 00:36:21,311
Mom, has Santa come yet?
699
00:36:21,313 --> 00:36:23,914
No honey, not yet,
it's still early.
700
00:36:23,916 --> 00:36:26,049
Santa's got a long
night ahead of him.
701
00:36:27,251 --> 00:36:28,518
Can Dad tuck me in?
702
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:30,120
Who? Dad?
703
00:36:30,122 --> 00:36:33,757
No, because, uh,
Dad and Puba...
704
00:36:36,260 --> 00:36:38,261
are getting massages.
705
00:36:40,164 --> 00:36:41,731
Oh, okay.
706
00:36:41,733 --> 00:36:42,966
Good night, Mom.
707
00:36:42,968 --> 00:36:44,501
Okay, good night.
708
00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:56,846
So who else isn't tired?
709
00:37:00,618 --> 00:37:02,519
Oh, I forgot to ask you.
710
00:37:02,521 --> 00:37:04,754
Did Santa Claus
accost you in the bathroom?
711
00:37:04,756 --> 00:37:06,189
Excuse me?
712
00:37:06,191 --> 00:37:07,457
You know, the grubby
old guy in the Santa suit
713
00:37:07,459 --> 00:37:09,292
in the truck stop bathroom.
714
00:37:09,294 --> 00:37:12,195
I didn't see anybody
in the bathroom.
715
00:37:17,034 --> 00:37:18,535
Santa's coming home soon.
716
00:37:18,537 --> 00:37:21,771
Gonna bring
you lots of gifts.
717
00:37:30,047 --> 00:37:32,182
Oh, son of a bitch!
718
00:37:32,184 --> 00:37:33,316
Oh!
719
00:37:33,318 --> 00:37:35,018
I forgot to tell you,
the speedometer's off
720
00:37:35,020 --> 00:37:36,319
by about 10 miles an hour.
721
00:37:36,321 --> 00:37:38,521
Oh it's good to know that.
722
00:37:46,631 --> 00:37:49,366
Well I'll be!
723
00:37:49,368 --> 00:37:51,635
Merry Christmas, Mr. Mitchler!
724
00:37:51,637 --> 00:37:53,169
Again.
725
00:37:53,171 --> 00:37:55,438
What brings you gents
out so late?
726
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,807
Well, numbnuts here forgot
his kid's presents in Chi-town.
727
00:37:57,809 --> 00:38:00,010
Numbnuts, that's funny.
728
00:38:00,012 --> 00:38:04,481
Haven't heard that one
in quite some time!
729
00:38:04,483 --> 00:38:06,249
My foster mom, she, uh...
730
00:38:06,251 --> 00:38:09,219
Oh, I see you guys are in the
portable john business, huh?
731
00:38:09,221 --> 00:38:11,154
Indeed we are, sir.
Mitch Mitchler,
732
00:38:11,156 --> 00:38:12,822
North Central Wisconsin
king of the crappers.
733
00:38:12,824 --> 00:38:14,491
For 25 years,
734
00:38:14,493 --> 00:38:16,092
Mitchler's Handi-crappers have
been supplying luxury johns
735
00:38:16,094 --> 00:38:17,761
for all your business needs.
736
00:38:17,763 --> 00:38:20,430
I always say,
if you gotta go, go in style!
737
00:38:20,432 --> 00:38:21,698
I like that a lot.
738
00:38:21,700 --> 00:38:24,734
Do you guys do family reunions?
739
00:38:24,736 --> 00:38:26,403
My cousin actu...
740
00:38:26,405 --> 00:38:29,572
We're actually in a really
big hurry, Trooper Zblocki, so.
741
00:38:29,574 --> 00:38:30,940
I could tell, Mr. Mitchler.
742
00:38:30,942 --> 00:38:33,422
Caught old numbnuts
here doing 91.
743
00:38:34,313 --> 00:38:37,580
I'll be back
with your citation, STAT.
744
00:38:37,582 --> 00:38:40,116
Numbnuts.
745
00:38:41,787 --> 00:38:43,987
Funny little elf.
746
00:38:48,893 --> 00:38:52,962
Well, Mr. Mitchler, I did
clock you doing 91, yikes!
747
00:38:52,964 --> 00:38:55,565
It's like, "Arriba,
arriba, andele, andele!"
748
00:38:56,968 --> 00:38:58,468
Bart Simpson.
749
00:39:01,106 --> 00:39:04,274
But, it's Christmas,
so you know what?
750
00:39:04,276 --> 00:39:06,943
I got candy canes
for you three guys.
751
00:39:06,945 --> 00:39:08,611
Three?
752
00:39:15,820 --> 00:39:17,487
Nelson?
753
00:39:17,489 --> 00:39:19,889
Jeez, I must've
fell asleep in here.
754
00:39:22,793 --> 00:39:24,994
Who's that guy?
755
00:39:27,264 --> 00:39:30,567
A child is the most important
thing a mother has, Nelson.
756
00:39:30,569 --> 00:39:34,304
Jeez, I'm sorry
I had you worried, Mom.
757
00:39:34,306 --> 00:39:36,573
If anything
had happened to you...
758
00:39:36,575 --> 00:39:38,108
Aw, jeez.
759
00:39:38,110 --> 00:39:40,243
Mom, could you put
little BJ on the phone?
760
00:39:40,245 --> 00:39:41,511
I want to tell him I'm okay.
761
00:39:41,513 --> 00:39:43,913
He's sleeping
in his crib, hon.
762
00:39:43,915 --> 00:39:46,583
Plus he's not even a year.
763
00:39:46,585 --> 00:39:49,853
Well, maybe just go in
there and tell him I love him?
764
00:39:49,855 --> 00:39:54,524
And, uh, could you sing him that
pretty little song he likes?
765
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:59,195
¶ Hot tortillas,
crisp tostadas ¶
766
00:39:59,197 --> 00:40:02,332
¶ Best in Me-hi-co ¶
767
00:40:02,334 --> 00:40:06,636
¶ Enchiladas, empanadas ¶
768
00:40:06,638 --> 00:40:11,074
¶ How I love them so ¶
769
00:40:13,611 --> 00:40:16,546
It is a miracle
that you got pulled over,
770
00:40:16,548 --> 00:40:19,349
because I could have froze
to death in there, or worse.
771
00:40:19,351 --> 00:40:21,217
Not cold enough
to freeze to death.
772
00:40:21,219 --> 00:40:23,186
Okay, real quick,
what could possibly be worse
773
00:40:23,188 --> 00:40:25,355
than freezing to death
in a portable toilet, Nelson?
774
00:40:25,357 --> 00:40:29,692
HIV, AIDS, Lou Gehrig
disease, cancer, spina bifida...
775
00:40:29,694 --> 00:40:32,061
Okay, all good ones.
776
00:40:32,063 --> 00:40:34,097
I could think of one worse.
777
00:40:34,099 --> 00:40:35,632
A guy getting his gonads
lobbed off by his wife
778
00:40:35,634 --> 00:40:38,835
because he forgot his
kid's Christmas presents.
779
00:40:50,681 --> 00:40:52,315
Get 'im!
780
00:40:52,317 --> 00:40:53,683
I'm not supposed to
play video games,
781
00:40:53,685 --> 00:40:55,585
but you're really
awesome at them, Rance.
782
00:40:55,587 --> 00:40:56,953
Yeah, I know.
783
00:40:56,955 --> 00:40:59,055
We should totally put your
picture on Craigslist, Vera.
784
00:40:59,057 --> 00:41:01,958
Your judgement
is really questionable, Pam.
785
00:41:10,534 --> 00:41:12,101
You gonna stay up
with us, Dave?
786
00:41:12,103 --> 00:41:14,270
Oh no, I, uh...
I get hungry at night
787
00:41:14,272 --> 00:41:16,206
so I like to make myself a meal
so I have something to eat
788
00:41:16,208 --> 00:41:18,408
between sleep and breakfast.
789
00:41:18,410 --> 00:41:19,742
I call it breep.
790
00:41:19,744 --> 00:41:21,311
Okay.
791
00:41:21,313 --> 00:41:22,812
It's an anagram I came
up with, much like brunch
792
00:41:22,814 --> 00:41:26,683
or NASA. It's a way for me
to remember what I like.
793
00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:31,688
Hon, let's go hit the sack.
794
00:41:31,690 --> 00:41:34,357
Good night.
Night.
795
00:41:34,359 --> 00:41:35,492
Night.
796
00:41:35,494 --> 00:41:37,360
Oh, Daver.
797
00:41:37,362 --> 00:41:39,662
Oooh!
798
00:41:39,664 --> 00:41:41,764
You are too good for me.
799
00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:54,177
You know, maybe I will try
800
00:41:54,179 --> 00:41:55,778
one of those
beer-tomato-juice thingies.
801
00:41:55,780 --> 00:41:59,482
Well now you're talking.
One red beer coming right up.
802
00:42:04,054 --> 00:42:06,523
Holy cripes, it's a castle.
803
00:42:08,225 --> 00:42:10,393
You really
are doing alright, Boyd.
804
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:19,969
You've never seen
this house before?
805
00:42:19,971 --> 00:42:22,238
No, your mom has.
Last time I was here,
806
00:42:22,240 --> 00:42:24,741
you had that apartment
by the lake.
807
00:42:24,743 --> 00:42:27,143
It's going on seven years.
808
00:42:28,612 --> 00:42:30,079
What's this you got
on the walls here?
809
00:42:30,081 --> 00:42:31,548
Is that brick?
810
00:42:31,550 --> 00:42:33,750
Yeah, it's...
uh, it's a brick house.
811
00:42:37,187 --> 00:42:39,389
Boy, that is something.
812
00:42:39,391 --> 00:42:40,590
Yeah.
813
00:42:52,102 --> 00:42:54,971
Son of a bitch!
814
00:42:54,973 --> 00:42:57,040
I left my damn keys
in my damn car!
815
00:43:04,949 --> 00:43:07,450
Hey Hamburglar,
will this help?
816
00:43:15,460 --> 00:43:18,428
The presents
are in the mudroom, so...
817
00:43:18,430 --> 00:43:20,330
Hey Boyd, I gotta
take a squirt.
818
00:43:20,332 --> 00:43:23,099
You guys have a bathroom, or...
819
00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:25,134
Yeah, it's upstairs.
820
00:43:25,136 --> 00:43:26,869
Make yourself at home, Dad.
821
00:43:26,871 --> 00:43:28,871
Yeah.
822
00:43:59,403 --> 00:44:01,871
Dad?
823
00:44:01,873 --> 00:44:03,873
Nelson?
824
00:44:26,430 --> 00:44:28,665
What's going on?
825
00:44:28,667 --> 00:44:30,800
What are you doing in my house?
826
00:44:32,302 --> 00:44:33,736
I am Farhad.
827
00:44:33,738 --> 00:44:37,240
Who are these people?
828
00:44:37,242 --> 00:44:40,476
Ms. Mitchler is say,
829
00:44:40,478 --> 00:44:44,781
my family to sit in the house,
830
00:44:45,783 --> 00:44:48,251
to feed dog...
831
00:44:48,253 --> 00:44:50,553
there, the dog.
832
00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:53,890
To sit in the house.
833
00:44:53,892 --> 00:44:58,461
House-sitting is different
than sitting in my house!
834
00:44:59,596 --> 00:45:02,932
Ah, it's Boyd.
835
00:45:02,934 --> 00:45:04,901
Hi, is everything okay?
836
00:45:04,903 --> 00:45:07,236
Fine, okay.
- Farhad is here.
837
00:45:07,238 --> 00:45:09,906
Yeah, I gave him the key
so he could feed Dale.
838
00:45:09,908 --> 00:45:10,973
You knew that.
839
00:45:10,975 --> 00:45:12,709
No, but his whole family
is here.
840
00:45:12,711 --> 00:45:15,912
It's like Goldilocks
and the 30 Iranians.
841
00:45:15,914 --> 00:45:18,648
Boyd, they're from Afghanistan.
842
00:45:18,650 --> 00:45:19,916
I don't care
where they're from,
843
00:45:19,918 --> 00:45:22,051
I care why they're here,
in my house!
844
00:45:22,053 --> 00:45:23,319
Ooo, maybe there was confusion
845
00:45:23,321 --> 00:45:24,821
over the translation
of house-sit.
846
00:45:24,823 --> 00:45:26,889
You know,
they're an amazing family.
847
00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:29,292
They've only been
in the country two months,
848
00:45:29,294 --> 00:45:32,061
so, whatever, let them
have a nice Christmas.
849
00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:33,696
You're not saving the world!
850
00:45:33,698 --> 00:45:36,199
What do you think, you're, uh...
you think you're Bono?
851
00:45:36,201 --> 00:45:37,734
I have a law degree!
I'm a teacher!
852
00:45:37,736 --> 00:45:40,036
You're supposed to be
teaching refugees English,
853
00:45:40,038 --> 00:45:41,637
and based upon
my conversation with this guy,
854
00:45:41,639 --> 00:45:43,706
it's not exactly
working out, is it?!
855
00:45:43,708 --> 00:45:45,675
If anyone's
to blame, it's you!
856
00:45:45,677 --> 00:45:47,977
You for being an ass sponge!
857
00:45:47,979 --> 00:45:49,312
I'm the ass sponge?
858
00:45:49,314 --> 00:45:51,581
Yes, you are
the ass sponge, ass sponge.
859
00:45:51,583 --> 00:45:52,782
I'm not having
this conversation.
860
00:45:52,784 --> 00:45:54,317
I am not having
this conversation.
861
00:45:54,319 --> 00:45:55,585
Fine.
862
00:45:55,587 --> 00:45:58,988
Oh my God!
He acts like the sweetest,
863
00:45:58,990 --> 00:46:02,391
nothing-bothers-me guy, but
the slightest little pressure
864
00:46:02,393 --> 00:46:04,694
turns him into a total...
865
00:46:04,696 --> 00:46:05,976
Ass sponge?
866
00:46:07,298 --> 00:46:09,098
He sounds
just like his father.
867
00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:11,667
You know, in case those
guys don't make it back
868
00:46:11,669 --> 00:46:13,469
in time somehow,
869
00:46:13,471 --> 00:46:16,639
maybe we oughtta have
something else for Douglas.
870
00:46:16,641 --> 00:46:17,673
Like what?
871
00:46:17,675 --> 00:46:19,742
Maybe we oughtta
go up to the attic
872
00:46:19,744 --> 00:46:22,779
and wrap some old toys
and that, just in case.
873
00:46:22,781 --> 00:46:26,182
Yeah, okay fine.
874
00:46:26,184 --> 00:46:28,151
Donna, do you have
something else
875
00:46:28,153 --> 00:46:31,687
that maybe
doesn't taste like... this?
876
00:46:31,689 --> 00:46:33,156
Vodka?
877
00:46:33,158 --> 00:46:35,892
Hey Doug-lass, you wanna
do something really cool?
878
00:46:35,894 --> 00:46:37,693
Yes!
879
00:46:37,695 --> 00:46:39,128
Sweet.
880
00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:41,130
You know, I wasn't
a competitive eater
881
00:46:41,132 --> 00:46:42,498
'til I was like, nine.
882
00:46:42,500 --> 00:46:44,000
If I would have started
at seven,
883
00:46:44,002 --> 00:46:46,803
who knows how much more
friggin' awesome I'd be?
884
00:46:46,805 --> 00:46:49,572
Ah, let's see how fast you
can take these bad boys down.
885
00:46:49,574 --> 00:46:51,307
A whole jar of pickles?
886
00:46:51,309 --> 00:46:53,509
Do it.
887
00:46:56,046 --> 00:46:57,580
Please don't,
Douglas, it's stupid.
888
00:46:57,582 --> 00:46:59,048
You'll be sick for Santa!
889
00:46:59,050 --> 00:47:00,983
You want to be cool
or retarded?
890
00:47:00,985 --> 00:47:03,152
Man or mouse, Douglas?
891
00:47:06,557 --> 00:47:08,024
Yes! Oh my God! Look at him go!
892
00:47:12,596 --> 00:47:15,231
Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug!
893
00:47:15,233 --> 00:47:16,799
Douglas, stop!
894
00:47:16,801 --> 00:47:19,302
These pickles were canned
during the Nixon Administration!
895
00:47:19,304 --> 00:47:22,138
You're gonna die!
896
00:47:22,140 --> 00:47:24,340
I can't feel my legs.
897
00:47:37,988 --> 00:47:40,022
What the hell?
898
00:47:54,938 --> 00:47:56,906
He erased me.
899
00:47:58,442 --> 00:48:00,643
Ain't that a kick
in the pants?
900
00:48:04,214 --> 00:48:06,015
Presents. Gifts.
901
00:48:06,017 --> 00:48:07,049
Ho ho ho?
902
00:48:07,051 --> 00:48:09,085
Gift?
903
00:48:09,087 --> 00:48:11,320
Gift, yes, yes.
904
00:48:11,322 --> 00:48:13,322
Thank you.
905
00:48:13,324 --> 00:48:15,224
No, Farhad.
906
00:48:15,226 --> 00:48:17,927
Those are Douglas' gifts!
907
00:48:17,929 --> 00:48:20,429
My son! Douglas.
908
00:48:20,431 --> 00:48:22,164
No Farhad son!
909
00:48:22,166 --> 00:48:24,400
No! My son's gifts!
910
00:48:25,269 --> 00:48:27,003
Girls, those are
my power tools!
911
00:48:27,005 --> 00:48:29,538
That's Boyd's power drill
and that is very...
912
00:48:29,540 --> 00:48:32,008
Ahhh! Jesus!
913
00:48:33,410 --> 00:48:34,877
Hey, Boyd.
These your roommates?
914
00:48:34,879 --> 00:48:37,647
Hey Boyd, you got a nail
sticking out of your hand there.
915
00:48:45,155 --> 00:48:47,356
Oh, we've been learning Nari,
which is kind of like Farsi,
916
00:48:47,358 --> 00:48:49,158
over at basic
because my reserve unit
917
00:48:49,160 --> 00:48:51,260
was going to be going over
by Afghanistan...
918
00:48:51,262 --> 00:48:52,762
Oh!
919
00:48:52,764 --> 00:48:53,996
And I fell off
of that Humvee,
920
00:48:53,998 --> 00:48:56,532
and I got just a touch
of brain damage.
921
00:48:56,534 --> 00:48:59,635
But the part that remembers
Nari is just fine.
922
00:48:59,637 --> 00:49:04,273
So, can you tell him
that his family can stay?
923
00:49:04,275 --> 00:49:06,542
I just need Douglas' gifts.
924
00:49:06,544 --> 00:49:08,744
Well, I can sure as shoot try.
925
00:49:10,247 --> 00:49:12,548
Let's see, uh...
926
00:49:17,722 --> 00:49:19,989
Please, no, no.
- No, no, no, please!
927
00:49:21,359 --> 00:49:22,925
Hey, hey.
928
00:49:22,927 --> 00:49:26,262
Hey, hey, it's okay.
You can keep everything.
929
00:49:26,264 --> 00:49:28,230
The only thing I want
930
00:49:28,232 --> 00:49:30,032
is that.
931
00:49:52,956 --> 00:49:56,092
Hey, it's, uh, 3:45,
so we have less than four hours
932
00:49:56,094 --> 00:49:58,427
if we're gonna get back
before the kids get up.
933
00:49:58,429 --> 00:50:00,629
So I need you to motivate.
934
00:50:02,065 --> 00:50:04,266
You don't need me;
you never did.
935
00:50:16,713 --> 00:50:19,448
It's all gonna be okay, Bug.
936
00:50:19,450 --> 00:50:21,984
Boing!
937
00:50:21,986 --> 00:50:24,620
It's okay, Bug.
938
00:50:24,622 --> 00:50:26,455
Boing, hello Rance!
939
00:50:26,457 --> 00:50:28,858
They told me there'd
always be people like you.
940
00:50:28,860 --> 00:50:31,293
I don't know,
I've never seen anybody
941
00:50:31,295 --> 00:50:32,695
this way from pickles!
942
00:50:32,697 --> 00:50:35,297
Rotten food can cause
hallucination, Rance.
943
00:50:35,299 --> 00:50:36,966
Everybody knows that, you dummy.
944
00:50:36,968 --> 00:50:39,235
It's gonna be okay,
Bug, just lie down.
945
00:50:46,209 --> 00:50:47,810
Mmmm, cheese.
946
00:50:49,746 --> 00:50:51,947
How about this for Douglas?
947
00:50:55,352 --> 00:50:57,553
Bridge, like the card game?
948
00:50:57,555 --> 00:50:59,021
For kids?
949
00:50:59,023 --> 00:51:01,057
I don't know,
it seems like a horrible idea.
950
00:51:01,059 --> 00:51:04,460
Boyd loved bridge for juniors,
it was his favourite game!
951
00:51:04,462 --> 00:51:06,328
He did?
952
00:51:06,330 --> 00:51:08,631
Okay, bag it and tag it,
I guess.
953
00:51:11,034 --> 00:51:13,769
That was Mitch's
drink of choice.
954
00:51:13,771 --> 00:51:15,438
Vodka and cranberry juice.
955
00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:17,773
It must have been so hard.
956
00:51:17,775 --> 00:51:20,176
I don't know.
957
00:51:20,178 --> 00:51:23,512
I left a couple times
when it got too hard.
958
00:51:23,514 --> 00:51:25,147
Took the kids
to my folks,
959
00:51:25,149 --> 00:51:28,651
then when his bender
was finished,
960
00:51:28,653 --> 00:51:30,486
he'd call bellyaching,
961
00:51:30,488 --> 00:51:34,490
"Come back, come back.
I'll change, I'll change",
962
00:51:34,492 --> 00:51:36,192
blah, blah, you know.
963
00:51:39,029 --> 00:51:41,597
He was always...
964
00:51:41,599 --> 00:51:44,266
a very attentive lover,
though.
965
00:51:44,268 --> 00:51:46,669
If you know what I mean?
966
00:51:46,671 --> 00:51:49,004
I do. Yes, wow.
967
00:51:50,340 --> 00:51:53,309
Boyd and I haven't had sex
for six months.
968
00:51:53,311 --> 00:51:55,744
Oh, wow.
969
00:51:55,746 --> 00:51:57,246
That is bad for you.
970
00:51:57,248 --> 00:52:00,249
It's so bad.
It's just, you know,
971
00:52:00,251 --> 00:52:02,751
he works all the time,
and... or we're tired,
972
00:52:02,753 --> 00:52:04,854
or the kids are around
and you know, it just...
973
00:52:04,856 --> 00:52:06,589
But then he has
this whole thing
974
00:52:06,591 --> 00:52:08,858
about how everything has to be
so perfect, and it can't be.
975
00:52:08,860 --> 00:52:10,192
It's not. It's not perfect.
976
00:52:10,194 --> 00:52:13,095
Do you want me
to talk to him for you?
977
00:52:13,097 --> 00:52:15,698
No, that's okay, thank you.
978
00:52:15,700 --> 00:52:17,700
That would feel
a little inappropriate.
979
00:52:19,537 --> 00:52:22,505
Yep.
980
00:52:22,507 --> 00:52:24,707
What?
981
00:52:39,689 --> 00:52:42,158
¶ Two days later,
Papa passed away ¶
982
00:52:42,160 --> 00:52:45,127
¶ And I became a man that day ¶
983
00:52:45,129 --> 00:52:47,463
¶ So I told Mama
I'm gonna quit school ¶
984
00:52:58,909 --> 00:53:02,344
I packed
my grandmother's trunk,
985
00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:04,747
and in it I put an apple.
986
00:53:04,749 --> 00:53:06,148
Nice.
987
00:53:06,150 --> 00:53:08,284
God, we used to play
that when we'd drive
988
00:53:08,286 --> 00:53:10,386
to Nana's cottage
up north, you remember?
989
00:53:10,388 --> 00:53:11,887
Mm-hm.
990
00:53:11,889 --> 00:53:14,857
Okay, I packed
my grandmother's trunk
991
00:53:14,859 --> 00:53:18,360
and in it I put
an apple and a bagpipe.
992
00:53:18,362 --> 00:53:20,763
Nice one.
Okay Dad, you're up.
993
00:53:22,566 --> 00:53:24,366
Dad, it's your turn.
994
00:53:24,368 --> 00:53:27,570
Come on Dad,
it's been a crap day.
995
00:53:27,572 --> 00:53:30,406
Everything that possibly could
go wrong already has.
996
00:53:33,643 --> 00:53:35,844
What, you on the rag, Sally?
997
00:53:37,414 --> 00:53:41,517
I packed my grandma's trunk,
and in it I put an apple,
998
00:53:41,519 --> 00:53:44,353
bagpipe,
999
00:53:44,355 --> 00:53:46,922
and a kid
who's so ashamed of his old man,
1000
00:53:46,924 --> 00:53:49,124
he cut him
out of a family photo.
1001
00:53:51,328 --> 00:53:52,895
Okay, so you're spelling
kid with a C then.
1002
00:53:52,897 --> 00:53:54,530
Uh, fair enough.
1003
00:53:54,532 --> 00:53:56,732
I don't know what to say, Dad.
1004
00:53:58,468 --> 00:54:02,271
Fine, as long as we're being
honest with each other,
1005
00:54:02,273 --> 00:54:06,175
yes, I was embarrassed
of you in that photograph.
1006
00:54:06,177 --> 00:54:08,944
You were wearing that filthy
Handi-crapper T-shirt
1007
00:54:08,946 --> 00:54:11,981
for a family portrait.
I mean come on!
1008
00:54:13,116 --> 00:54:14,396
What, you're suddenly sensitive?
1009
00:54:18,355 --> 00:54:20,789
Besides, it's not like
you were ever proud of me.
1010
00:54:20,791 --> 00:54:22,258
I always supported you,
1011
00:54:22,260 --> 00:54:24,860
whatever it was
you wanted to do, always!
1012
00:54:24,862 --> 00:54:27,396
Are you high?
1013
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:30,466
What is that?
1014
00:54:34,204 --> 00:54:35,437
Oh my gosh!
1015
00:54:35,439 --> 00:54:37,439
Hoho!
1016
00:54:43,180 --> 00:54:44,780
Is that...
1017
00:54:44,782 --> 00:54:47,449
Bea Arthur? It sure is.
1018
00:54:47,451 --> 00:54:48,784
Why?
1019
00:54:48,786 --> 00:54:50,119
Boyd went through a phase
1020
00:54:50,121 --> 00:54:52,721
where he really
got into Bea Arthur.
1021
00:54:52,723 --> 00:54:54,723
Like is... like sexually? Or...
1022
00:54:54,725 --> 00:54:57,459
No!
It started with Golden Girls.
1023
00:54:57,461 --> 00:55:00,963
Wait, he liked bridge
and Golden Girls?
1024
00:55:00,965 --> 00:55:02,931
What did you raise,
a 75-year-old woman?
1025
00:55:02,933 --> 00:55:05,034
Look, there's a whole series.
1026
00:55:05,036 --> 00:55:09,271
You know how what's-his-futz
just painted blue stuff?
1027
00:55:09,273 --> 00:55:11,907
Well, Boyd only
painted Bea Arthur.
1028
00:55:11,909 --> 00:55:14,143
This is so silly.
1029
00:55:14,145 --> 00:55:16,445
My Boyd who played
football and basketball,
1030
00:55:16,447 --> 00:55:19,148
who's a type-A
hedge fund manager?
1031
00:55:19,150 --> 00:55:20,449
No, no!
1032
00:55:20,451 --> 00:55:23,052
He was real arty-farty
when he was a little shaver.
1033
00:55:23,054 --> 00:55:25,821
Well Mitch
must have loved that.
1034
00:55:25,823 --> 00:55:27,856
Mitch, he used to
tease Boyd all the time.
1035
00:55:27,858 --> 00:55:29,191
I felt terrible about it.
1036
00:55:29,193 --> 00:55:31,994
He drilled legs
into the frame of this one.
1037
00:55:31,996 --> 00:55:34,363
He turned it into a card table.
1038
00:55:34,365 --> 00:55:37,299
He used to play euchre on it
with his drinking buddies.
1039
00:55:37,301 --> 00:55:40,703
Look, there's the rings
from the glasses
1040
00:55:40,705 --> 00:55:42,438
on the canvas, there.
1041
00:55:42,440 --> 00:55:44,840
And I think Bill Gorsky
puked on it here.
1042
00:55:44,842 --> 00:55:47,142
That is so mean.
1043
00:55:47,144 --> 00:55:49,044
Isn't that so mean?
1044
00:55:49,046 --> 00:55:50,713
Lookit, that is so mean!
1045
00:55:50,715 --> 00:55:53,649
He was just a little
artist, creating his art,
1046
00:55:53,651 --> 00:55:56,185
and that's... I mean,
it just makes me very sad,
1047
00:55:56,187 --> 00:55:57,486
isn't that so sad?
1048
00:55:57,488 --> 00:56:00,956
Boyd never really
painted much after that.
1049
00:56:00,958 --> 00:56:02,524
Mitch is a bastard!
1050
00:56:02,526 --> 00:56:04,226
And I have been trying to
get those guys to reconcile,
1051
00:56:04,228 --> 00:56:06,628
but do you understand
how much Boyd hates his job?
1052
00:56:06,630 --> 00:56:08,931
He hates it so much,
and all he wanted to do
1053
00:56:08,933 --> 00:56:11,600
was be a sweet little
Bea Arthur painter!
1054
00:56:11,602 --> 00:56:13,936
Or something.
1055
00:56:13,938 --> 00:56:16,338
I just feel like I could puke.
1056
00:56:16,340 --> 00:56:18,340
It blows my mind.
1057
00:56:18,342 --> 00:56:22,077
You have the capacity to
feel sorry for yourself!
1058
00:56:22,079 --> 00:56:23,645
Oh, what a jackass.
1059
00:56:23,647 --> 00:56:26,181
If I loused up so bad, how
come you have such a nice life?
1060
00:56:26,183 --> 00:56:28,717
Nice house,
nice wife, nice job.
1061
00:56:28,719 --> 00:56:30,219
I hate my job!
1062
00:56:30,221 --> 00:56:32,488
And I haven't had sex
with my wife in six months!
1063
00:56:32,490 --> 00:56:34,757
And you blame that on me?
Jiminy crickets!
1064
00:56:34,759 --> 00:56:36,392
Jeez, come on, guys!
1065
00:56:36,394 --> 00:56:38,694
I'm sorry I didn't snuggle
or cuddle you enough!
1066
00:56:38,696 --> 00:56:40,796
I'm sorry I'm not perfect!
1067
00:56:40,798 --> 00:56:41,997
Perfect?
1068
00:56:41,999 --> 00:56:44,266
My entire approach
to parenting
1069
00:56:44,268 --> 00:56:48,804
is based on what I call
the WWMD principle.
1070
00:56:48,806 --> 00:56:51,240
What Would Mitch Do?
I ask myself that question,
1071
00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:54,176
and then I do
the exact opposite.
1072
00:56:54,178 --> 00:56:56,678
Come on Boyd, you know I
get jittery 'cause of the war!
1073
00:56:56,680 --> 00:56:58,147
You didn't go to war!
1074
00:56:58,149 --> 00:57:00,048
He's still a hero!
He's still a hero!
1075
00:57:03,987 --> 00:57:05,587
Son of a bitch!
1076
00:57:05,589 --> 00:57:08,190
No, no, no, no, no!
1077
00:57:10,460 --> 00:57:11,794
No, Boyd, slow down!
1078
00:57:11,796 --> 00:57:13,262
We can do it.
1079
00:57:13,264 --> 00:57:15,545
Not sure if you can see
me back here, Mr. Mitchler...
1080
00:57:17,268 --> 00:57:18,934
See that?
See it!
1081
00:57:20,304 --> 00:57:21,703
Come on, Boyd,
you're gonna get us killed!
1082
00:57:21,705 --> 00:57:23,138
Pull over, Boyd!
1083
00:57:23,140 --> 00:57:24,907
My whole life I've never
been your kind of man,
1084
00:57:24,909 --> 00:57:27,776
a man's man, a real man.
1085
00:57:27,778 --> 00:57:31,380
Well, let's see who the real man
is now! Hold on!
1086
00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:45,360
Shut up, Sally.
You sound like a little bitch.
1087
00:57:56,673 --> 00:58:01,143
Yeah, suck on that, Zblocki!
Suck on that! Eat it, bitch!
1088
00:58:02,045 --> 00:58:03,512
Yes, yes!
1089
00:58:03,514 --> 00:58:04,980
Yeah, go ahead.
1090
00:58:04,982 --> 00:58:07,249
Uh, yeah.
1091
00:58:07,251 --> 00:58:09,985
Umm, I'm out at uh...
1092
00:58:09,987 --> 00:58:12,688
Mr. Mitchler, he...
1093
00:58:12,690 --> 00:58:15,057
, everything okay?
1094
00:58:16,559 --> 00:58:18,494
Eff this.
1095
00:58:18,496 --> 00:58:20,863
Just wanted to wish you
a merry Christmas, Don!
1096
00:58:20,865 --> 00:58:23,932
I'm calling her a night.
Gonna head home to the fam.
1097
00:58:23,934 --> 00:58:26,134
Roger that.
1098
00:58:32,141 --> 00:58:34,343
Oh God, that felt good!
1099
00:58:35,778 --> 00:58:37,546
You're not this guy, Boyd.
1100
00:58:37,548 --> 00:58:40,082
You're not some idiot who'd
run away from a cop like that.
1101
00:58:40,084 --> 00:58:43,018
Hell, that's the kind of
asshole stunt that I'd pull.
1102
00:58:43,020 --> 00:58:45,220
You got
the asshole part right.
1103
00:58:48,791 --> 00:58:52,528
Maybe you're right about that.
1104
00:58:59,769 --> 00:59:01,770
This has been a weird night.
1105
00:59:03,973 --> 00:59:05,574
I'm sorry.
1106
00:59:06,943 --> 00:59:10,312
I'm sorry to both of you.
1107
00:59:10,314 --> 00:59:12,180
Mainly you, Boyd.
1108
00:59:13,049 --> 00:59:15,250
I'm sorry.
1109
00:59:16,252 --> 00:59:17,953
Suppose I might
have said it sooner
1110
00:59:17,955 --> 00:59:20,255
if I hadn't been so hammered
for most of the last 30 years
1111
00:59:20,257 --> 00:59:22,224
but you know?
1112
00:59:22,226 --> 00:59:24,626
There it is, I said it.
1113
00:59:29,133 --> 00:59:31,567
You're a good man
1114
00:59:31,569 --> 00:59:35,003
and uh,
1115
00:59:35,005 --> 00:59:37,739
I'm so sorry.
1116
00:59:46,283 --> 00:59:48,550
I'm sorry, oh!
1117
00:59:48,552 --> 00:59:50,819
What the hell was that?!
1118
00:59:50,821 --> 00:59:52,621
Did we hit somebody?
1119
00:59:54,024 --> 00:59:55,724
I'm telling you, Boyd,
that was a person!
1120
00:59:55,726 --> 00:59:58,493
Nelson, it wasn't a person.
1121
00:59:58,495 --> 01:00:00,095
It can't have been a person.
1122
01:00:00,097 --> 01:00:02,631
What would a person be doing
in the middle of the road...
1123
01:00:02,633 --> 01:00:05,067
Maybe it was a deer.
Yeah, it was a deer!
1124
01:00:05,069 --> 01:00:06,368
It wasn't a deer.
1125
01:00:06,370 --> 01:00:08,570
Yes, of course it was a d...
1126
01:00:10,506 --> 01:00:12,774
Oh no.
1127
01:00:29,092 --> 01:00:31,426
Oh God, oh my God, oh my God!
1128
01:00:31,428 --> 01:00:33,996
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
1129
01:00:33,998 --> 01:00:35,664
Okay, Boyd, just calm down.
1130
01:00:35,666 --> 01:00:39,801
Calm?! Calm?
I just killed a man!
1131
01:00:39,803 --> 01:00:41,737
This is not the time to be calm!
1132
01:00:41,739 --> 01:00:43,605
We just gotta...
we just gotta call the cops.
1133
01:00:43,607 --> 01:00:45,540
No, we're not gonna call the
cops! I just outran the cops!
1134
01:00:45,542 --> 01:00:47,542
The last thing
we need are the cops!
1135
01:00:47,544 --> 01:00:49,811
Boyd's right, no cops.
My life is over!
1136
01:00:49,813 --> 01:00:51,279
No it isn't!
1137
01:00:51,281 --> 01:00:53,315
I'm gonna go to prison.
I'm going to prison.
1138
01:00:53,317 --> 01:00:56,084
Boyd, just glass-half-full
it for a sec here, okay?
1139
01:00:56,086 --> 01:00:58,320
Prison these days
is not half bad.
1140
01:00:58,322 --> 01:00:59,988
I'll take the heat!
1141
01:00:59,990 --> 01:01:01,857
I mean, come on now,
it's the least I can do,
1142
01:01:01,859 --> 01:01:03,825
you know, being shitfaced
and emotionally abusive
1143
01:01:03,827 --> 01:01:05,127
most of your childhood.
1144
01:01:05,129 --> 01:01:06,395
No, Dad, no.
1145
01:01:06,397 --> 01:01:09,097
No, no, no, no, no, no!
1146
01:01:09,099 --> 01:01:11,900
Boyd, Boyd, Boyd!
1147
01:01:11,902 --> 01:01:13,869
There's other ways out of this.
1148
01:01:13,871 --> 01:01:15,103
How?
1149
01:01:15,105 --> 01:01:17,072
This guy, uh...
1150
01:01:17,074 --> 01:01:18,607
We're not exactly
talking doctor,
1151
01:01:18,609 --> 01:01:20,489
lawyer,
Indian chief here, right?
1152
01:01:21,911 --> 01:01:23,845
He's off the grid.
1153
01:01:23,847 --> 01:01:26,348
So if he umm, disappeared.
1154
01:01:26,350 --> 01:01:29,518
I got this friend, Mike Marcort.
1155
01:01:29,520 --> 01:01:32,087
You know, we play cribbage,
and he owes me
1156
01:01:32,089 --> 01:01:34,990
and uh, he's got a warehouse
down by Campbell Sport
1157
01:01:34,992 --> 01:01:37,159
full of HCl.
1158
01:01:37,161 --> 01:01:38,560
HC what, Dad?
1159
01:01:38,562 --> 01:01:41,263
Hydrochloric acid.
And so?
1160
01:01:41,265 --> 01:01:42,764
Well, you know, I'm saying...
1161
01:01:42,766 --> 01:01:44,499
not that he doesn't have
value in God's eyes;
1162
01:01:44,501 --> 01:01:46,768
I'm just saying that we soak
this guy in a vat of HCl
1163
01:01:46,770 --> 01:01:47,936
for a couple of hours?
1164
01:01:47,938 --> 01:01:50,305
This son of a bitch
will just fizzle away.
1165
01:01:50,307 --> 01:01:51,673
Wait a minute.
1166
01:01:51,675 --> 01:01:53,809
We're not really
thinking about this?
1167
01:01:54,877 --> 01:01:56,344
He's right, Dad.
1168
01:01:56,346 --> 01:01:58,547
Nelson's right.
1169
01:02:01,851 --> 01:02:04,553
We don't have time
to go to Campbell Sport.
1170
01:02:04,555 --> 01:02:06,755
You're right, it's too far.
What was I thinking?
1171
01:02:08,291 --> 01:02:10,425
Dad, do you have a shovel?
1172
01:02:10,427 --> 01:02:12,627
Does Flipper pee in the sea?
I got that!
1173
01:02:12,629 --> 01:02:14,162
No, no, guys...
1174
01:02:14,164 --> 01:02:15,764
Well, do you have
a better idea?
1175
01:02:15,766 --> 01:02:17,466
Do you? Because
I'd love to hear it.
1176
01:02:17,468 --> 01:02:19,334
No, but have you ever
dug a foxhole before, Boyd?
1177
01:02:19,336 --> 01:02:22,204
Because I have and it
takes a super long time!
1178
01:02:22,206 --> 01:02:23,238
Oh, he's right!
1179
01:02:23,240 --> 01:02:25,440
Nelson's right.
1180
01:02:28,177 --> 01:02:31,146
We could... we can burn him.
1181
01:02:31,148 --> 01:02:33,482
You know, like a fire.
1182
01:02:33,484 --> 01:02:36,551
Burning could work,
burning's good!
1183
01:02:36,553 --> 01:02:38,220
That's good, Nel...
1184
01:02:38,222 --> 01:02:40,255
What's going on, Dad?
1185
01:02:40,257 --> 01:02:41,590
If we're gonna burn him,
it's a hell of a lot easier
1186
01:02:41,592 --> 01:02:43,792
if you parcel him out.
1187
01:02:59,475 --> 01:03:01,676
You got any bourbon?
1188
01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:08,350
Hey, Doug!
1189
01:03:08,352 --> 01:03:10,085
Dougie doodle.
1190
01:03:10,087 --> 01:03:11,253
Who said that?
1191
01:03:14,857 --> 01:03:15,857
Bingo.
1192
01:03:15,859 --> 01:03:17,025
You can talk?
1193
01:03:17,027 --> 01:03:18,794
You're seeing
my lips move, ain't ya?
1194
01:03:18,796 --> 01:03:21,363
Well then, that would constitute
talking, wouldn't it?
1195
01:03:21,365 --> 01:03:22,864
Is this a dream?
1196
01:03:22,866 --> 01:03:26,301
"Is this a dream?" Maybe,
maybe it's a dream,
1197
01:03:26,303 --> 01:03:28,036
or maybe I'm your subconscious,
1198
01:03:28,038 --> 01:03:30,305
secretly trying to
unearth truth for you
1199
01:03:30,307 --> 01:03:32,641
in the form
of a waking hallucination.
1200
01:03:32,643 --> 01:03:34,643
Listen Doug, let me
get to the gristle
1201
01:03:34,645 --> 01:03:36,878
of why I woke you up
here. It breaks my heart
1202
01:03:36,880 --> 01:03:40,949
to tell you this, but
Santa ain't gonna find you,
1203
01:03:40,951 --> 01:03:43,752
not here, not anywhere.
1204
01:03:43,754 --> 01:03:44,653
Why not?
1205
01:03:44,655 --> 01:03:47,856
Because he doesn't exist.
1206
01:03:48,925 --> 01:03:52,127
Yeah, don't take
it so hard, buddy.
1207
01:03:52,129 --> 01:03:55,096
As you get older, you'll learn
there are much worse things
1208
01:03:55,098 --> 01:03:56,598
you could be told
1209
01:03:56,600 --> 01:03:59,668
than some fat guy
in a red suit doesn't exist.
1210
01:03:59,670 --> 01:04:02,504
Alright then,
sleep tight, kid.
1211
01:04:02,506 --> 01:04:05,974
And oh uh, Merry Christmas.
1212
01:04:10,213 --> 01:04:12,414
Radiator's shot.
1213
01:04:16,185 --> 01:04:17,385
Who ya calling there, Boyd?
1214
01:04:17,387 --> 01:04:18,687
Luann.
1215
01:04:18,689 --> 01:04:20,522
Let her know
we're not gonna make it.
1216
01:04:20,524 --> 01:04:22,190
Not gonna make it?
1217
01:04:22,192 --> 01:04:24,092
Hold on a sec, Boyd.
1218
01:04:24,094 --> 01:04:27,696
Hey look, I know that
we have been through a lot,
1219
01:04:27,698 --> 01:04:30,599
well, me getting stuck
in the john
1220
01:04:30,601 --> 01:04:32,968
and you getting pegged with
a nail gun by some kid,
1221
01:04:32,970 --> 01:04:34,269
and running from that cop,
1222
01:04:34,271 --> 01:04:35,470
and trying to figure out
different ways
1223
01:04:35,472 --> 01:04:38,073
to dismember a transient,
1224
01:04:38,075 --> 01:04:41,910
but it's Christmas,
and if we quit now,
1225
01:04:41,912 --> 01:04:44,846
it's like the baby Jesus died
up on that cross for nothing.
1226
01:04:44,848 --> 01:04:46,982
I think
that's Easter, actually.
1227
01:04:46,984 --> 01:04:49,684
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're right, you're right.
1228
01:04:49,686 --> 01:04:52,787
My point is, you know,
I suppose I don't know much
1229
01:04:52,789 --> 01:04:55,924
about being a father yet,
since BJ's only been around
1230
01:04:55,926 --> 01:04:58,026
a couple of months
and he's technically
1231
01:04:58,028 --> 01:05:01,396
some Mexican's, on top
of that but, you know,
1232
01:05:01,398 --> 01:05:05,000
what I seen you do today, Boyd...
go to the ends of the earth
1233
01:05:05,002 --> 01:05:06,601
for your son like that...
1234
01:05:06,603 --> 01:05:09,871
jeez, that's what being
a father's all about.
1235
01:05:09,873 --> 01:05:13,074
And I just don't think
you should quit now.
1236
01:05:14,277 --> 01:05:15,844
There's still time.
1237
01:05:30,459 --> 01:05:34,696
Hey, uh, I'm really sorry we
almost killed you back there.
1238
01:05:36,766 --> 01:05:39,734
I don't suppose you have
a vehicle we could borrow?
1239
01:05:39,736 --> 01:05:41,636
'Cause we're about
10 miles from where
1240
01:05:41,638 --> 01:05:44,539
we're supposed to
be here, and um...
1241
01:05:46,142 --> 01:05:49,077
I don't know how else
to put this, except...
1242
01:05:49,079 --> 01:05:52,013
we're hoping for
a friggin' Christmas miracle.
1243
01:06:00,323 --> 01:06:03,425
¶ Fall on your knees ¶
1244
01:06:03,427 --> 01:06:06,494
¶ Oh, hear the radiant
voices calling ¶
1245
01:06:06,496 --> 01:06:09,531
¶ Oh God, oh God ¶
¶ Boom, boom, boom ¶
1246
01:06:13,336 --> 01:06:15,670
Oh, shoot!
Luann, are you okay?
1247
01:06:15,672 --> 01:06:17,872
I'm okay, I'm okay.
1248
01:06:25,915 --> 01:06:27,916
Yeah!
1249
01:06:29,485 --> 01:06:30,986
Come on you guys, wake up!
1250
01:06:30,988 --> 01:06:32,988
Let's go up
and see if Santa came.
1251
01:06:54,443 --> 01:06:56,945
They're breathing. Come on!
1252
01:07:11,394 --> 01:07:13,194
Come on, whoa, whoa!
1253
01:07:14,864 --> 01:07:18,600
See, I told you Santa's real!
Now we can find our stuff.
1254
01:07:23,005 --> 01:07:24,706
Pull up there, there!
1255
01:07:24,708 --> 01:07:26,908
What do you
think you got, Bug?
1256
01:07:28,611 --> 01:07:30,812
I don't think I got anything.
1257
01:07:36,652 --> 01:07:38,153
We can't thank you enough.
1258
01:07:38,155 --> 01:07:40,388
Merry Christmas,
it's been a flight!
1259
01:07:50,766 --> 01:07:52,834
Where you goin', they're up?
1260
01:07:52,836 --> 01:07:54,836
Yeah. He's up. All the kids
have their presents.
1261
01:07:54,838 --> 01:07:56,237
So what, go on in there
and give him the thing!
1262
01:07:56,239 --> 01:07:58,640
He'll know
there's no Santa, Dad!
1263
01:08:09,452 --> 01:08:13,154
Maybe Santa took your presents
to the wrong house, or...
1264
01:08:13,156 --> 01:08:14,622
No.
1265
01:08:14,624 --> 01:08:16,124
There is no Santa.
1266
01:08:16,126 --> 01:08:19,160
Look.
Puba said he loved bourbon.
1267
01:08:36,278 --> 01:08:38,279
Merry Christmas.
1268
01:09:01,670 --> 01:09:03,204
Good luck.
1269
01:09:04,440 --> 01:09:05,440
Oh!
1270
01:09:05,442 --> 01:09:06,741
No Douglas, don't!
1271
01:09:19,955 --> 01:09:22,690
You must be Douglas.
1272
01:09:22,692 --> 01:09:24,292
Are you Santa?
1273
01:09:24,294 --> 01:09:26,794
Oh, yes indeed. Yes, I am.
1274
01:09:26,796 --> 01:09:28,997
Why'd you drink
all that bourbon, Santa?
1275
01:09:28,999 --> 01:09:30,398
Won't it make you drunk?
1276
01:09:30,400 --> 01:09:34,402
Well, Douglas,
bourbon gives Santa the energy
1277
01:09:34,404 --> 01:09:38,139
that he needs to keep
his appointed rounds.
1278
01:09:39,308 --> 01:09:41,609
And asparagus.
Puba told me that.
1279
01:09:41,611 --> 01:09:44,779
Yep, asparagus, too.
1280
01:09:44,781 --> 01:09:46,814
Smart fella.
1281
01:09:46,816 --> 01:09:48,883
Oh my goodness,
1282
01:09:48,885 --> 01:09:50,818
I almost forgot your present.
1283
01:09:52,588 --> 01:09:54,522
Merry Christmas, Douglas.
1284
01:09:54,524 --> 01:09:57,058
Thank you, Santa.
1285
01:09:57,060 --> 01:09:58,393
I believe.
1286
01:09:59,828 --> 01:10:02,163
And I hope you always do.
1287
01:10:03,399 --> 01:10:07,001
Santa, don't you
want your asparagus?
1288
01:10:07,003 --> 01:10:09,604
That's okay,
Douglas, you keep it.
1289
01:10:09,606 --> 01:10:11,806
Asparagus makes
my urine smell funny.
1290
01:10:12,841 --> 01:10:15,043
Merry Christmas.
1291
01:10:21,450 --> 01:10:23,451
I think it was a big success.
1292
01:10:26,388 --> 01:10:27,655
On second thought
1293
01:10:27,657 --> 01:10:29,857
this may have not been
such a hot idea.
1294
01:10:33,028 --> 01:10:36,598
No matter how this pans
out, you tried your best.
1295
01:10:36,600 --> 01:10:39,767
Bottom line, you're one
hell of a good dad, Boyd.
1296
01:10:41,604 --> 01:10:43,805
Thanks, Dad.
1297
01:10:52,915 --> 01:10:54,415
Merry Christmas, Bug.
1298
01:10:55,818 --> 01:10:58,019
Dad, why did your
massage take so long?
1299
01:10:59,888 --> 01:11:01,422
Let me help you.
1300
01:11:04,360 --> 01:11:06,561
Nice wrap job there.
- What is it?
1301
01:11:06,563 --> 01:11:07,996
What do you say?
1302
01:11:07,998 --> 01:11:09,364
I built it, the whole thing.
1303
01:11:09,366 --> 01:11:11,199
I even sanded
the runners myself.
1304
01:11:11,201 --> 01:11:13,668
It's really something.
1305
01:11:13,670 --> 01:11:15,870
Really something.
1306
01:11:17,239 --> 01:11:19,774
Wow, it's pretty cool, huh?
1307
01:11:19,776 --> 01:11:21,976
Hmm, neat, but no snow.
1308
01:11:21,978 --> 01:11:23,645
Let's see what else there is.
1309
01:11:23,647 --> 01:11:25,413
Uh, hej Bug!
1310
01:11:25,415 --> 01:11:27,815
Uh, look,
I found this outside for you.
1311
01:11:27,817 --> 01:11:29,784
Santa must have dropped it.
1312
01:11:39,595 --> 01:11:41,129
Bridge for juniors!
1313
01:11:41,131 --> 01:11:44,299
I've always wanted to
learn how to play bridge!
1314
01:11:44,301 --> 01:11:46,200
Woo-hoo, alright!
1315
01:11:46,202 --> 01:11:47,935
Neato, look at what I got!
1316
01:11:52,408 --> 01:11:53,708
I'm sorry.
1317
01:11:53,710 --> 01:11:55,810
I'm drunk.
1318
01:11:55,812 --> 01:11:58,713
I remain sorry.
1319
01:11:58,715 --> 01:12:00,915
And I accept your apology.
1320
01:12:05,087 --> 01:12:06,621
Oh for cripe's sake,
Boyd, get a Goddamn room
1321
01:12:06,623 --> 01:12:08,156
if you're gonna be doing that.
1322
01:12:08,158 --> 01:12:09,791
Dave's the designated
pervert in this family.
1323
01:12:09,793 --> 01:12:11,993
He's not a pervert!
1324
01:12:31,380 --> 01:12:32,380
Hey, hey!
1325
01:12:32,382 --> 01:12:34,382
Rancer!
1326
01:12:37,186 --> 01:12:39,754
You think I would
have known better.
1327
01:12:39,756 --> 01:12:41,456
Oh, I suppose.
1328
01:12:41,458 --> 01:12:43,324
But if we always learned
from our mistakes,
1329
01:12:43,326 --> 01:12:45,526
nobody'd ever spend
Christmas with their family.
1330
01:12:47,463 --> 01:12:49,364
What the hell good is getting
a sled in this day and age
1331
01:12:49,366 --> 01:12:52,066
of global warming? You should
have got the kid a boat.
1332
01:12:52,068 --> 01:12:55,269
Shut up, Dad.
1333
01:12:55,271 --> 01:12:57,538
Dad, can we go inside
and play some bridge now?
1334
01:13:22,030 --> 01:13:25,099
Look Dad, it's snowing!
1335
01:13:25,101 --> 01:13:27,635
You're right, Bug.
1336
01:13:27,637 --> 01:13:29,637
Probably ash.
1337
01:13:48,857 --> 01:13:51,325
¶ More, more, more, more ¶
1338
01:13:51,327 --> 01:13:54,328
¶ Can't you hear it? ¶
1339
01:13:54,330 --> 01:13:56,731
¶ More, more, more, more ¶
1340
01:13:56,733 --> 01:13:59,767
¶ Love comes through ¶
1341
01:13:59,769 --> 01:14:01,702
¶ Give me happiness ¶
1342
01:14:01,704 --> 01:14:04,338
¶ You're like the sun ¶
1343
01:14:04,340 --> 01:14:09,343
¶ You're my holiday,
my favourite one ¶
1344
01:14:12,314 --> 01:14:15,383
¶ More than I wished for ¶
1345
01:14:15,385 --> 01:14:17,985
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1346
01:14:17,987 --> 01:14:20,421
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1347
01:14:20,423 --> 01:14:23,090
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1348
01:14:23,092 --> 01:14:26,027
¶ More than I wished for ¶
1349
01:14:26,029 --> 01:14:28,463
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1350
01:14:28,465 --> 01:14:31,232
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1351
01:14:31,234 --> 01:14:33,901
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1352
01:14:33,903 --> 01:14:37,338
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1353
01:14:39,409 --> 01:14:42,143
¶ Ring, ring ¶
1354
01:14:42,145 --> 01:14:44,712
¶ I hear the birds ¶
1355
01:14:44,714 --> 01:14:47,114
¶ Sing, sing ¶
1356
01:14:47,116 --> 01:14:49,717
¶ Sweet Noel ¶
1357
01:14:49,719 --> 01:14:54,722
¶ Peace for everyone,
be all good cheer ¶
1358
01:14:54,724 --> 01:14:59,327
¶ A merry, wonderful
time of year ¶
1359
01:15:03,765 --> 01:15:06,033
¶ More than I wished for ¶
1360
01:15:06,035 --> 01:15:08,803
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1361
01:15:08,805 --> 01:15:11,272
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1362
01:15:11,274 --> 01:15:14,008
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1363
01:15:14,010 --> 01:15:16,811
¶ More than I wished for ¶
1364
01:15:16,813 --> 01:15:19,280
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1365
01:15:19,282 --> 01:15:22,016
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1366
01:15:22,018 --> 01:15:24,485
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1367
01:15:24,487 --> 01:15:27,522
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1368
01:15:30,927 --> 01:15:33,828
¶ You're my angel and the sun ¶
1369
01:15:33,830 --> 01:15:35,763
¶ You are my mistletoe ¶
1370
01:15:35,765 --> 01:15:39,066
¶ You're my star
that's shining bright ¶
1371
01:15:39,068 --> 01:15:41,269
¶ You are my Silent Night ¶
1372
01:15:41,271 --> 01:15:43,971
¶ You're the sweetest
little thing ¶
1373
01:15:43,973 --> 01:15:46,474
¶ You are out of a dream ¶
1374
01:15:46,476 --> 01:15:49,110
¶ You're my sugar and my spice ¶
1375
01:15:49,112 --> 01:15:51,979
¶ You're the naughty
to my nice ¶
1376
01:15:51,981 --> 01:15:54,882
¶ You are the one ¶
1377
01:15:54,884 --> 01:15:56,984
¶ You're more than I wish for ¶
1378
01:15:56,986 --> 01:15:59,353
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1379
01:15:59,355 --> 01:16:01,989
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1380
01:16:01,991 --> 01:16:04,725
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1381
01:16:04,727 --> 01:16:07,328
¶ More than I wished for ¶
1382
01:16:07,330 --> 01:16:10,031
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1383
01:16:10,033 --> 01:16:12,533
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1384
01:16:12,535 --> 01:16:15,169
¶ Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum-bum ¶
1385
01:16:15,171 --> 01:16:18,472
¶ More than I wished for ¶
1386
01:16:18,474 --> 01:16:21,676
¶ Bu-doo-bum, boom boom ¶
1387
01:16:28,417 --> 01:16:32,820
¶ Joy to the world,
the Lord has come ¶
1388
01:16:32,822 --> 01:16:37,258
¶ And he's drivin' a
big green bass boat ¶
1389
01:16:37,260 --> 01:16:41,395
¶ Circling around
your castle's moat ¶
1390
01:16:41,397 --> 01:16:45,600
¶ He's the new favourite
late night talk-show host ¶
1391
01:16:48,437 --> 01:16:52,773
¶ That's why we try ¶
1392
01:16:52,775 --> 01:16:54,775
¶ To love ¶
1393
01:16:57,879 --> 01:17:02,249
¶ Now that you're here,
come gather round ¶
1394
01:17:02,251 --> 01:17:06,454
¶ Check out these treasures
that I found ¶
1395
01:17:06,456 --> 01:17:10,358
¶ One makes a flash,
the other makes a sound ¶
1396
01:17:10,360 --> 01:17:14,829
¶ But none will catch you
from crashing down ¶
1397
01:17:18,000 --> 01:17:21,769
¶ That's why we try ¶
1398
01:17:21,771 --> 01:17:24,772
¶ To love ¶
1399
01:17:55,337 --> 01:17:59,573
¶ Life just kicks you, 1-2-3 ¶
1400
01:17:59,575 --> 01:18:03,644
¶ Keeps us guessing him or me ¶
1401
01:18:03,646 --> 01:18:07,181
¶ There's always more to see,
always more want ¶
1402
01:18:11,421 --> 01:18:16,123
¶ That's why we try ¶
1403
01:18:16,125 --> 01:18:18,125
¶ To love ¶
1404
01:18:18,127 --> 01:18:22,229
¶ That's why we try ¶
1405
01:18:22,231 --> 01:18:26,434
¶ To love ¶
1406
01:18:54,629 --> 01:18:57,264
¶ The weather outside
is frightful ¶
1407
01:18:57,266 --> 01:19:01,769
¶ And the fire is so inviting ¶
1408
01:19:05,842 --> 01:19:08,609
¶ The sound of sleigh bells
ringing ¶
1409
01:19:08,611 --> 01:19:11,812
¶ Is all the more delightful ¶
1410
01:19:17,887 --> 01:19:22,623
¶ The sight of snow falling
lightly on her cheek ¶
1411
01:19:29,265 --> 01:19:34,668
¶ The things around this little
town aren't so bleak ¶
1412
01:19:40,743 --> 01:19:44,378
¶ And the lights are up
on the door ¶
1413
01:19:46,515 --> 01:19:50,050
¶ They say it's Christmas time ¶
1414
01:19:52,220 --> 01:19:55,723
¶ And I felt this once before ¶
1415
01:19:57,626 --> 01:20:01,862
¶ And I can't get it
out of my mind ¶
1416
01:20:09,906 --> 01:20:15,309
¶ We can go out walking till
the snow starts to gleam ¶
1417
01:20:18,747 --> 01:20:21,649
¶ Do you remember the stories
I told you? ¶
1418
01:20:21,651 --> 01:20:25,853
¶ Or was it all a dream? ¶
1419
01:20:29,791 --> 01:20:34,762
¶ I still can't believe that you
are with me once again ¶
1420
01:20:35,897 --> 01:20:39,900
¶ My dear ¶
1421
01:20:50,412 --> 01:20:53,714
¶ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ¶
1422
01:20:53,716 --> 01:20:57,284
¶ Fa la la, la la la, la la la ¶
1423
01:20:57,286 --> 01:21:00,221
¶ Tis the season to be jolly ¶
1424
01:21:00,223 --> 01:21:03,123
¶ Fa la la, la la la, la la la ¶
1425
01:21:03,125 --> 01:21:05,793
¶ Don we now our gay apparel ¶
1426
01:21:05,795 --> 01:21:08,395
¶ Fa la la, la la la, la la la ¶
1427
01:21:08,397 --> 01:21:11,632
¶ Troll the ancient
Yule tide carol ¶
1428
01:21:11,634 --> 01:21:14,535
¶ Fa la la la la ¶
1429
01:21:14,537 --> 01:21:17,504
¶ La la la... ¶
1430
01:21:17,506 --> 01:21:20,374
¶ La... ¶
¶ La! ¶
1431
01:21:21,843 --> 01:21:25,479
¶ Ah... ¶
1432
01:21:25,481 --> 01:21:27,948
¶...la! ¶
1433
01:21:27,950 --> 01:21:29,583
That's what you gotta commit to a song. Okay.
1434
01:21:29,585 --> 01:21:31,785
That's why we don't get
first place.
1435
01:21:31,585 --> 01:21:35,785
By Malosa � Heerlen (NL)
Peace OUT!!
103129
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