Original subtitles

America, this past week has been a real emotional time for me.

See, I went back home to Chicago to attend a funeral...

my ol' favorite uncle, Uncle Elister.

And you know, being back home, surrounded by all my loved ones...

I've come to realize one thing.

I hate my loved ones.

They make me sick.

And you know what I'm talking about, America.

Y'�ll got some relatives you wish would be missing too.

I can't take it no more.

America, Bernie Mac needs a break.

- [Horns Honking] - [Jackhammer Pounding]

All right, we're off like a dirty shirt.

First thing we're gonna do, we're gonna stop and get somethin' to eat.

Somethin' you can only eat in Chicago.

- Ooh, deep-dish pizza. I love Chicago deep-dish pizza. - Yeah!

- [Jordan, Bryana] Yeah, pizza! Pizza, pizza, pizza! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Hey, hey, hey. It ain't no pizza. - What?

- That's right. It's a hot dog. - Hot dog?

- You doggone right. Authentic Vienna hot dogs, Chicago style. - Aw!

Come on. Hold on. Ho-Ho-Ho-Hold. Come on, baby.

Oh, you'll see. Oh, you'll see.

[Vanessa] Yes, I'll hold.

Which judge you like? Judge Mills Lane orJudgeJudy?

Ooh, I loveJudge Mathis.

Heh! He is smart.

That's nice, Aunt Liva.

- Oh, she is? - [Laughs]

Well, when does work detail end?

Those people on Divorce Court are stupid.

I likeJudge Maybelline though. She's fair.

Uh-huh.

- Yeah, I did call earlier. - [Laughs]

But I'm at a new number now.

818-555-5960.

Can you please make sure she gets the message?

It's her daughter, Vanessa.

Now I got a dressed-up, Chicago-style hot dog.

Baby, I got some ol' American mustard, not that ol' French crap.

- Look at this. [Laughing] - [Heart Pounding]

Some relish, sauerkraut and some onion.

First one all you, baby girl.

- But I wanted plain. - Baby girl, this is better than plain.

- Just try it. Take a bite. - No!

What's wrong with her? This is a masterpiece.

A Mac Angelo. She don't know what's good.

I love you. Can't find it nowhere. Not New York.

Huh? Cleveland. Huh? L.A.

[Giggles] You're so silly!

Cut the camera off.

All right, here you go. Your ol' boring hot dog with no Chicago on it.

- Okay, so this is my cell phone number. - Is that a six?

Yeah, it's 818-555-5960.

- Okay. - But you probably won't have to use it...

- because I won't be gone long. - Uh-huh.

- [Man] Yo, who that? - It's Bernie Mac.

- Bernie? - It is I.

- Bernie Mac! - Ha-ha! Willie.

- What's up, baby? - What are you doing in town, man?

- My Uncle Elister, he... he passed. - Oh, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, I remember him.

- He used to come in, see the show all the time. - Sure did.

- Wild Turkey and Coke, no ice. No tip. - [Chuckles]

That's him. Willie, this is my wife, my nephew and my niece.

Hi. Hey, kids...

did you know that your uncle is the funniest comedian that ever walked into this place?

- Aw, no. I don't know about all that, Willie. - Oh, yeah!

- No, there was some funny cats that come through here, now. - Yeah, yeah, but you know what?

They weren't Bernie Mac.

- Man, do some of the ol' cats still come through here? - Oh, yeah, lots of'em.

- They come up. Yeah. - That's good, man.

What about Tony K? Now, that brother was funny.

- Tony K! - Yep.

- Nah, he don't come up here no more. - Aww. Michael, he come?

No, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You talkin' about, uh, Michael M. C...

- or "Big Mike" Michael? - Either.

- Nah. - Aw, man.

- Uncle Bernie, I have to use the restroom. - Okay, son. Wait a minute.

What about some of the ol' cats that used to work here, like Clayton?

- Uncle Bernie! - Huh? - I'll take him.

- Good. Thank you, baby. - Clayton?

- What aboutJack, Willie? - Jack?

- Jack, Jack... - Jack!

- Huh? - FatJack. He had buck teeth.

- He tried to hide it, tried to cover it with that mustache. - Oh, yeah, Jack!

- Yeah. - Yeah. No, no, he don't work here no more.

- Oh, he don't, huh? - No, no, he got stabbed.

- No! - Oh, yeah!

- He got stabbed. - Yes, he did.

What about Donnie? He still come around?

- Well, Donnie's one what stabbed him. - Get outta here!

Aunt Wanda, what's "ribbed for her pleasure" mean?

[Indistinct Conversation]

- Uh, Willie? - No!

- Willie, it was nice meeting you. Bernie, we're going. - No, no, Wanda, Wanda.

- Willie, tell her about the heckler Warren Hutcherson shot. - Yeah, yeah.

Uh, we'll see you in the car. Yeah.

Well, all right, all right, all right. You kiddin'.

- [Girl] Hey, look who's here. - Taynelle, Tinikki.

So, Hollywood, you back already?

- Yeah, I had to come for a funeral. - Wait, you knew T-Dawg?

- No. - So, how's California? You seen any movie stars?

- Did you meet Lil' Bow Wow? - No, just a couple of my uncle's comedian friends.

- Ooh, what's his house like? Is it big? - Not that big.

- You got your own room? - Yeah.

- It's big. Mm-hmm. Huh-huh. - It's probably like Cribs, I bet.

Look, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, I like it better here.

Girl, you crazy.

Mm-mm. Word. Well, you can stay here, and I'll go back to Cali and kick it in a big house.

- All right! - You can't take the ghetto out the girl.

That's true!

Ooh, Vanessa, I like your shoes. Those are tight.

Girl, these joints is hot. How much were they?

I don't know. They give my uncle stuff sometimes.

What? You didn't have to pay?

Girl, it's like you Venus or Serena or somethin'.

- They all right. - They better than them raggedy shoes you got on.

Forget you. I'm hungry. Let's go to Habib's.

- You ain't got no money. - Who needs money? Let's roll.

I got money. Let me buy.

I don't need your money, Hollywood.

You need somebody's money.

Shut up. You think you all that, huh?

I remember when yo' ass wasn't too good to lift what you wanted from that store.

Now it's "my uncle this" and "my uncle that." He ain't even that funny.

- The Kings of Comedy was funny. - Mm-hmm.

- [Scoffs] Whatever. - Don't turn your back on me like you better than somebody.

I don't care how large you livin'. Your mama still a crackhead.

Oh, so what, you bad now?

- Ooh! - Ooh! It's about to get cracked.

- Come on, girl. - Get her, girl. Uh-uh, don't let her do you like that.

- Come on. - Get it right there. Right there. Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. What you gon' do now, huh?

- What you gon' do now, huh? Huh? - I got her shoes.

How you like that, Hollywood?

Come on, Ray.

I said, come on!

[Sniffles]

[Phone Ringing]

Hello?

[Sniffles] Mom?

Where are you?

I've been calling you and calling you.

I know, but I really need you.

I really need to see you.

Really? [Clears Throat]

I'm near the rec center.

Yeah, that's where we used to get chili burgers.

Okay.

About a half hour?

I love you.

Hey, baby girl, what was your favorite part of Uncle Bernie's tour of Chicago?

- I liked the part when we ate dinner at the hotel. - Just the cereal part?

What about the part, I took you to the barbershop or where I show you where I buy my shoes?

That was stupid.

Stupid? Yeah, okay. I got your stupid.

I'll tell you what. Wherever y'�ll wanna go, that's where we'll go.

- Just tell me. Where you wanna go? - Ooh, to a bathroom.

- What? - Ooh, those hot dogs don't agree with me.

Could we please get to a bathroom now?

Yeah.

Aunt Wanda's got doody! [Giggling]

Thank you.

Hey, baby, you all right?

- Feel so much better, honey. - [Bryana] Uh-oh.

- [Gasps] Ooh! You gotta go? - Oh, no. Come on, y'�ll.

- Come on. Come on. Quick. - You're too little to have anything left. Ohh!

- Bernie! - Yo.

- We got a problem. - Oh, Lord.

What's wrong, baby?

- Oh, Lord! - Honey, go get the hose.

- Watch out. - Okay, honey, okay. Ooh!

- Honey, that was me! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Turn her around. - Baby, don't drown the baby.

- Turn her around. - Okay.

- She did all that? - Aah!

- Whoo! Stanky-stank. - Okay. Ooh!

- Hold her still, baby. - Okay. Ooh, gettin' heavy, baby.

- Ooh, honey, honey. - Look out.

- Lower on the pressure. - I can't.

- Oh. - Ooh-whoo!

- Ooh! Okay, baby, get her feet right quick. - Come on, now.

- Okay, okay! Okay, okay. - Baby...

- I'm gonna turn her around. - I'm about to fall down, I'm tellin' ya.

Okay, baby. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, just a little bit. Just a little.

All right. Right there. This should be it right here. Right here.

- Good. - That's okay.

Take your clothes off real quick. Baby, it's on its way.

I didn't tell you to get naked, Jordan.

Come on, come on.

Hurry up, baby. Come on.

Come on.

It's not my fault they can't handle a good hot dog.

Jordan didn't get sick, and he weaker than a refugee.

I just wanted to show them my town my way, but they had to ruin it for me.

Chicago, I'm not mad at you. I'm just mad at those doggone kids.

[Groans]

I think I ate too many peppers.

Excuse me, America.

?? [Man Singing R&B]

- I want you to scrub. - ?? [R&B Continues]

And no splashing.

- And don't put no water in her hair. - [Phone Rings]

Stop, Jordan. Better not put no soap in her eyes.

Hello? What?

Where are you?

What you mean, come get you?

Hold on. Baby, get my keys.

All right, listen. Just stay right there. I'm on my way, okay?

- Uh, Bernie, Vanessa's not at Aunt Liva's. - I know. That was her.

- Oh. - She's okay. I'm going to get her. I'll be right back, okay?

?? [R&B Continues]

?? [Ends]

You gonna be okay?

[Sniffles]

Why does she always do this? Why?

Why can't she be like other moms?

It's not fair.

I know it's not fair, Nessa.

But I'm gonna tell you somethin'.

I'm gonna tell you somethin' I never told nobody, ever.

When I was a little boy...

maybe eight years old...

I had a birthday party.

Nothin' special...

just a few balloons...

G.I. Joe...

and Big Mama gave me $15.

Vanessa, that was the most money I ever had in my life.

[Stifles Sob] Then my father called.

- He said he was on his way. - He never showed up?

Oh, yeah, he showed up.

He showed up late.

But I was so excited, Nessa, I didn't even care.

Then he started telling me about how his car broke down...

and he had no idea how he was gonna get the money.

I kept hollering, "I got some money. I got some money."

And I ran in my room and I broke my piggy bank...

and he grab my $15.

The funny thing about it was Big Mama caught him down the street.

She bashed his head in with a skillet.

[Both Laugh]

She brought my $15 back.

My point I'm tryin' to say, Nessa, is parents make mistakes.

Sometimes they make big ones.

See, me and you, we lucky.

We got people in our lives that really, really love us...

like my Uncle Elister...

although he wasn't my real uncle.

But I know he loved me.

So my point I'm tryin' to say, Nessa, is you're a big girl now.

You can make decisions for yourself.

If you wanna go see your mother...

I'd be more than happy to take you to see your mother.

No.

I just wanna go home.

Hey, I'll have you in the hotel in a minute.

No, I mean home, home.

You know what, Nessa?

Me too.

Your Uncle Elister wanted you to have it.

Aw, his tackle box.

- Huh? - Open it later.

- Oh, baby, it won't bite you. - Come on, y'�ll. Let's take a picture. Come on.

Baby girl, come on.

Yeah? Come on, baby. Come on.

All right, baby. I'm ready. Okay.

[Shutter Clicks]

[Smacks Lips]

Mmm.

- What is it? - Aw, baby, a bunch of clippings and pictures.

- Hmm. - Wanda, this man kept every clipping...

from when I was a kid all the way up to my career now.

Oh, look. A baby picture of you.

- I've never seen this before. - I haven't either.

Wow, look at you. You look chunky.

- I am kind of thick. - Mm-hmm.

- So, what's wrong? - [Chuckles]

Look at that. "1923, Elister Bernard Dower."

Oh, my God. His baby picture looks exactly like you.

- Damn, sure do, don't it? - Hmm.

That's somethin' that he kept all these things for so many years.

Baby, your uncle really loved you.

- He did, didn't he? - Mm-hmm.

Wanda, he saved all this for me.

[Sniffles]

?? [Man Singing Soul]

[Jordan] And then we went to the slaughterhouse, and... and we saw these dead pigs.

I mean, it was kinda nasty. Yeah, I mean, that's what I thought.

And then we ate these hot dogs. They were good, but they had this bright green stuff.

And then my sister threw up and we had to go to this gas station and we had diarrhea.

Ooh, it burned. And then we went to this old, old club...

I mean, that my Uncle Bernie used to work at.

And then I went into the restroom. Do you know what "ribbed for her pleasure means"?