Original subtitles

America, you see me every week.

You know how much I do for those kids.

Bernie Mac is a giver.

And those kids ain't nothin' but takers.

Over these last few months, these kids have committed acts that was unspeakable.

Stopped up my toilets, scratched my albums and dented my car.

But now they've gone one step beyond.

They've done the unthinkable.

They ate my chicken.

Who ate my chicken?

I got one rule when I come home from a gig. And what is it?

- How'd your gig go? - Don't ask me nothin' stupid, Jordan.

- Sorry. - Yeah, you are sorry.

- [Phone Ringing] - You probably sorry 'cause you ate my chicken.

Matter of fact, you open your mouth. Let me smell your breath.

- [Wanda] Bernie. - Come here. Hey, hey, take a message, baby.

- I'm gettin' ready to expose a criminal. Open your mouth. - You crazy.

- Yeah, I am crazy when somebody eat my chicken. - Baby, please listen...

- No, baby. I'm conducting an investigation. - It was D from Chicago.

Your Uncle Elister passed away.

- How? - In his sleep last night.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

My Uncle Elister was very special.

Well, he wasn't actually my blood uncle...

but he lived across the street from us when I was growin' up.

He practically raised me, you know?

I remember my Uncle Elister bought my first bike.

He taught me how to ride it, he picked me up when I fell off of it...

and he comforted me when someone stole it.

Baby, I'm gonna...

have to go to Chicago.

Pay my respects.

Baby, we'll all go.

We're going to Chicago? Can we see our mom?

Aw, Nessa, please. Of course you can see your mom.

Without a doubt.

It's a time for family.

You know what, Wanda? I never got a chance to really thank him...

for supporting me and believing in me.

I never, ever, ever got a chance to thank him.

Baby, I think he knows how much you care.

Aunt Wanda, have you seen my pirate cape?

Honey, I'll help you pack.

You know what, Jordan?

Don't be like your Uncle Bernie.

Wait till somebody die before you get a chance to tell 'em you love 'em.

Hmm-mm. No way. Don't be like me.

Uncle Bernie, l... l... I ate your chicken.

Jordan, don't worry about it.

[Bernie] Look at that champagne.

Bernie Mac in coach. Doggone kids.

- Yeah, right back at you. - Hey!

Turn around! Leave my Uncle Bernie alone.

- He's 'motional. - Yeah, 'motional.

This is our first trip as a family.

Can I go sit by the window?

Go ahead.

[Groaning]

?? [Man Singing Pop]

[Groans] Ow!

Oh, ma'�m, ma'�m, ma'�m. Ma'�m?

- Yes, sir? - I'm ready for my meal right now.

?? [Continues]

[Gagging]

[Spits]

[Vomiting]

[Honking]

?? [Continues]

?? [Fades]

[Man] On behalf of the crew, I'd like to welcome everyone to Chicago O'Hare Airport.

Aw, yeah. Chicago.

I'm home, baby.

[Man] There appears to be traffic at the gate, so unfortunately...

we're gonna have to sit still here for about 45 minutes to an hour and a half.

- Please have some peanuts, complimentary on us. - Aw...

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Oh! Hey.

- Oh, goodness. - Hi, gorgeous.

Hi, baby.

- Beanie. - Hey, Mama Liva.

Oh!

Oh, come on in here, boy.

You look good.

Oh, Beanie...

your uncle would've been so glad you came.

Oh, Mama Liva. You kiddin', man?

Y'�ll my family. Shoot, I'd have walked here.

- Bernie-Bern-Bern. - Hey, what's up, D?

- Hey, what's up, big brother? - What's up, man?

- Man, I'm sorry I couldn't get here earlier. - Aw, it ain't nothin'.

You know how it is workin' for the man.

I mean, the supervisor want a brother to work the whole nine to five, man.

Hey, D, I'm -I'm truly sorry about your dad, man. Really.

- It's heavy. - Yeah.

You know, I can still smell him on his coat.

[Sniffing]

Hey, how they let you on the plane with that weapon?

- I ain't got no weapon. What you talkin' bout', D? - Wanda, man.

She like a fine bomb. Boom!

- Hi, D. - Hey, Wanda.

Hey, kids. Look at these kids.

Last time I saw y'all, I was bringin' that couch over to your house.

Remember when I was bringin' that couch over to your house?

- Man, them kids love me, Bernie. - Yeah, I-I see.

- Everybody loves you, D. - [Chuckles]

- You named it Earl. - Earl. Yes, you did.

- Yes, you did. - [All Laughing]

Oh, he was a good man.

- He really loved you boys. - I know, Mama.

Hey, listen. You kids, why don't you all go in the front and watch television...

while us grown folk sit here and talk a little while, okay?

- Go ahead. Go ahead. - Okay.

And if you lose the picture, just jiggle the hanger.

And we only get channel 2.

Mama Liva, why don't you let us take care of the funeral arrangements?

I mean, it would do my heart real good.

- Please. - Oh, no, no. No, Bern.

You're such an angel, but D's taking care of everything.

- That's right. It's gonna be beautiful, Mama. - I know it is.

Let me help you.

Bern. Let me put this bug in your ear over here.

Hey, um, now, I'm gonna handle everything, all right?

But I'm still waitin' for Daddy's check from the government.

Man, you know how slow they can be. Well, hey, maybe you don't remember.

You big-time and everything now, but could you float me for a minute, man?

He did not just say that.

He did not just ask me for money.

Aw, D!

Gotta ruin everything!

America, I know we all got somebody in our family just like this too.

And if you don't think so, then it's you.

D, why don't we go down in the morning, take care of it?

You my dog, man. Yeah.

And hey, you already offered anyway, right?

Mama, I'll get that. I'll get that.

Now, this is one of our best sellers.

White oak. Very nice, very understated.

No, no. No, no, no, no. Hmm-mm.

- No. - What's wrong, D?

Come on, Bern. This look like somebody's shop class project.

Thing can't cost more than 200 dollars. Come on, man.

Well-Well, what do you suggest, D?

Bernie, when Biggie died... R.I. P...

they put the brother in a gold coffin lined with velvet.

Had his initials in diamonds on the top of it, man.

I know this man ain't tryin' to tell me my daddy ain't as good as Biggie.

Well, we do special requests, but it can get a bit expensive.

Hey, man. Hey.

My father died.

Now, I know we ain't up in here tryin' to pinch pennies. Ain't that right, Bern?

Um... I mean, let's just hear what the man gotta say, D.

Let's walk around, see if we can pick out somethin' more proper.

Okay. You right, you right. Maybe somethin' like solid teak?

Ebony wood? Somethin' like that? I think my daddy's worth it, right?

This is expensive.

And it don't even move.

What is that? Rust-proof.

Air con...

This is some... Let's move on.

Thanks, cuz. I think we really did right by Daddy back there.

Yeah, Mama Liva'll be proud.

Come on. I wanna show you somethin'.

Wow. Look at this, D.

- Sixteen years, man, up here. - Mm-hmm.

I got some fond memories.

We didn't have much.

Big Mama said living over the church may have brought us closer to God.

Wow. Man, look at this.

This is where Big Mama used to measure us, man.

This was me, Stacey, Darryl...

Oh, look at this spurt.

We couldn't even afford any slacks.

I know. You walked around for about a year wearin' those floods.

Yeah, man. Y'�ll was cold.

- Y'�ll used to call me, uh... - [Snaps Fingers]

- Noah. - Oh. Noah. Yep. Yep.

Ain't nobody callin' you Noah now.

- Look at you, man. Custom-made suits. - Hm.

You ain't doin' too bad yourself, bro.

Man, I'd be doin' a lot better if I could get one of these ideas off the ground, man.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I got big ideas jumpin' off all the time.

[Chuckles] In fact...

you standin' in one of my big ideas right now.

What you lookin' at?

Now, see, what may look like an ordinary old church to you...

- Uh-huh. - To me, it's a club.

- A club? - A comedy club.

Now, hold on. Stand right over here. Okay?

Now over here, this is the stage, okay? Now, right here, we gonna put a bar.

And this wall... Just get rid of it. Knock this whole thing out.

Extend the seatin' out that way. And here where you're standing, that's the dance floor.

Check it out. I got a name, okay?

You ain't gon' believe this. Buster Guts.

You get it? It's like "bust a gut," but it's "buster gut."

Now, that's comedy, man. What do you think?

D, listen.

You know, you have to really know what you're doin'...

to put up a club, and it costs a lot of money.

Oh, money ain't a thing, man. See, that's where you come in.

You gonna give me the seed money to get it started, because the way I figure it...

if you got 10 grand to dump into the ground, you definitely got ten grand to launch a dream.

Whoo!

Why does he do this? Why?

Why does D do this?

You know, maybe D has changed.

I shouldn't judge him, America. I shouldn't judge him by his past.

Maybe it's probably just a loan...

and I'm sure he got every intention on paying me back.

The nerve of that damn fool, asking me for 10 damn thousand dollars.

I should've given him 10,000 kicks right in the crack of his damn ass.

That's what I shoulda did.

Okay. I'm gonna give him the money.

But this time we're puttin' it on paper.

And he gotta have a solid business plan...

and it better be notarized.

Bernie Mac is depressed.

Damn, damn, damn!

Well...

D is D.

[Phone Ringing]

[Groans]

- Hello. - [Woman] Good morning. This is the front desk. It's 7:20.

No, I didn't have no wake-up call, sweetheart. You got the wrong number.

- [Door Opens] - I ordered it.

Mom can have visitors at 8:00, so we have to be on the road by 7:30.

You have about five minutes.

All of our patients are in their rooms right now for private reflection time.

We set visiting hours to coincide with this time...

- because it's nice and peaceful and quiet. - Okay.

- I made that. - [Chuckles]

Stacey, you have visitors.

Stacey?

- Where's Mommy? - That's a very good question.

Excuse me. Uh, Bob, it's Donna. We have a situation.

Uh, maybe it'd be better if you came back later.

Hey, listen. We're gonna go.

We'll see your mother at the funeral, okay?

Come on, baby girl. Come on, Jordan.

[Scoffs] Let's move on.

- Hey, y'�ll. Y'�ll ready? - Uncle Bernie?

- Huh? - I don't wanna see dead people.

You're not gonna see any dead people, baby.

We're just gonna go, say a few nice words, and pay our respects.

When you die, I'm gonna say my respect.

- Uncle Bernie, when you die, can I have your house? - I'm gonna outlive y'�ll.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello. Stacey.

Hey, girl, what happened to you?

Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho... Hold on, now. Watch your tone.

Watch how you talkin' to me. You sittin' up there, gonna try to trip on me.

I'm tryin' to do you a favor. I bring your kids to see you.

- You ain't there. You tryin' to get better? - [Line Clicks]

Hel-Hello? Hello?

She got a lot of nerve, America.

How do I get to be the bad guy? After all I've done. Takin' those kids in.

She's lucky that I've actually grown fond of the ungrateful urchins.

I mean, America, no good deed.

No good deed. Huh.

She gonna trip out on me. Junkie.

That's right. O-Okay. What do you call it?

Okay. I thought so.

- Psst! Psst! - What?

I was thinkin' about our club, you know?

You know who we should get for our opening-night act?

Chris Tucker. Boy, he really make me laugh.

- He really make me... - D! D!

This ain't the time or the place, man. My God!

You right. You right.

I'll holler at you over by the crypt.

[All] ? Amazing Grace?

? How sweet the sound?

? That saved a wretch?

? Like me?

? I once was lost?

? But now I'm found?

- ? Was blind? - What do you think about topless waitresses?

D, I'm here to pay my last respects to your father. No, no. Your father.

- I know that. I'm just saying... - I know what you're sayin', D. Shut up.

- ? Was blind?? - ?? [All Humming]

[Man] Let us pray.

Nighttime day care. Mull that one over.

White liquor nights. Now, see, what's the first thing pop into your head?

White people, right? But it ain't white people. It's white liquor.

You get it? It's like a double, um, entour... entr... What's the word?

Bye, Daddy.

I will give thanks to the Lord with my...

Hey, Bern, I got this cat who got a line on a liquor license.

- You wanna holler at him real quick? - Some other time, D.

I got him on the phone right now. He's a busy man.

It's not like he gonna hang around forever. Want me to tell him to call back?

- I'll tell him call back later. - Thou has sat on the throne...

giving righteous judgment.

- Wait a minute. - Give me that, D!

Before we commit Elister's body to the ground...

would someone like to say a few kind words about this gentle soul?

- I was just sayin' that if... - This brother gettin' on my...

All you ever wanted was a handout. You dirty, greedy bastard!

- [All Murmuring] - All you ever did in your life is take, take, take.

Why? All you did was sit in the house and watch TV.

Now you gettin' just what the heck you deserve, and that's nothin'.

Nothin'! Ain't a person up in here don't feel the same.

Lord, I feel so much better gettin' this off my chest. I swear to God. Go to hell!

[People Gasping]

Honey, it's okay, Bernie.

I know how much you love your uncle.

I ruined the burial, didn't I?

Oh, you didn't ruin anything.

I know how D can drive a man crazy.

Mama Liva, I was thinkin' about lending D the money to open up a comedy club.

[Scoffs] Well, Beanie...

you might as well just give me the money.

Let me flush it down the toilet.

'Cause that's exactly what he gonna do.

- Aw, Mama Liva. - Now, he's my son and I love him...

but the boy is trifling.

Now, you keep your money:

I'm just so sorry I didn't get a chance to pay my respect to Uncle E.

Oh, baby.

You showed your respect while he was alive. And that's what counts.

Oh, Mama Liva. Thanks.

I love old people.

You know, just when you think you know everything...

they drop some knowledge on you...

and open your eyes.

Sometimes when you think you protecting them...

it's them protecting you.

Respect your elders, America.

And pay those respects like you're supposed to pay your bills.

I mean, on time.

Don't wait till the fifth and final notice.

Y'�ll know who you are. Oh, you know.

?? [Man Singing Pop]

?? [Fades]

?? [Fades]

- You put your foot in this this time. - Mm-hmm.

I almost forgot how good your home-cooked food tastes like, girl.

Well, let's see if you remember this.

- Mmm. Look at that. - [Bryana] Let me see.

That's your Uncle Elister right there, and that's me.

Every Sunday he used to take me fishing over there... that little lake over there.

- And that's my first fish. - He even named it.

- Oh, no. I don't know about all of that. - [D] Yes, you did.

[Both] Named it Earl.