Original subtitles

America, see, being a parent is a 24-hour-a-day job...

with no pay and no benefits.

I mean, it's relentless, exhausting, time-consuming.

See, that's why when the 25th hour rolls around...

you need friends to take you away from it all.

See, my boys are like my blood. They're solid.

Always there for me.

I'm talkin' about unconditional love.

As opposed to them kids.

See, they only love me when they want somethin', break somethin'...

or they're afraid I might break something.

See, my boys love me all the time...

except on poker night.

[Bernie] That's true. I used to do the jails a long time ago.

I'll see that. There you go.

Ain't gonna save you though.

- Come to papa. - [All Groan]

You know what they say. It's the last train pulling into this station.

Figures, man. I mean, you know the rules, dog.

The game always ends when Bernie's finally up.

Uh-huh. It's cool. I gotta get home to my wife and kids.

And homeboy's gotta get home to his girlfriend and kids.

- [Chuckles] Hey, they ain't my kids. - What's up? What's up?

Hey, Bernie. You know, if you wanna keep on playin', man, I'll stick around. It's cool.

Oh, Kelly, I already took all your money.

Every time! Hey!

- The cards gotta be marked, man. - Please.

- Come on, daddy. - All the time I been winnin'...

- I'm surprised you ain't learned nothin'. - All right.

Shh. Y'�ll gonna wake up the neighbors. See you tomorrow.

Hey, K-Kelly. What's up, man?

I've been working on some material for a new routine. I want to run it past you.

Oh, Kelly, that's business.

Why don't we take care of that during business hours?

It's late. I'm tired. I want to go to bed.

- Okay? - Yeah, okay. All right.

- I'll see you. - All right.

- Hey, man? - Yo.

There's a Sanford and Son marathon on TV Land tonight.

What you say? "I'm comin' to join you, Elizabeth."

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. You're gonna wake up the kids.

Man, I'm sorry.

Kelly, what's really wrong with you? You act like you don't wanna go home.

Well, that's kind of the thing, man.

I don't have a home to go home to right now.

- What? - Me and Daphne broke up.

Oh, man. I'm sorry, man.

Why'd you not say nothin'? We been here all night.

You ain't said a word, man. We're boys. We're tight.

I'd have brought out the good scotch.

But, hey, don't worry about it. We'll talk about it in the morning. Okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

- See ya. - Hey, uh...

would it bother you if I slept in my car on your driveway?

They kind of hassle you if you park in the street, man.

- Morning, lover. - [Gasps]

Whoo! [Laughing Nervously]

- Bernie! - Oh, Wanda, baby, I'm sorry.

I was up with him all last night.

Him and Daphne broke up.

- Oh, no. Is he okay? - I don't know.

I think he need to be around friends.

[Sighs] Bernie...

I appreciate what you're doing, but...

just be careful.

You might not want to get in the middle of other people's business.

You know, these things could get messy.

Baby, what you talkin' about "messy"?

Kelly's my boy. You just don't turn your back on your boy.

This is the worst I ever seen him.

I mean, last night he actually cried in front of me. [Mimics Sobbing]

Hmm.

America, there's only three reasons to cry in front of your boys.

The Bears lose the Super Bowl, you put your dog to sleep...

and the kids leave home... and that's tears of joy.

[Wanda] Where's Kelly?

He's still sleeping.

Still? He's been sleeping all day.

And most of yesterday too.

I'm hungry.

- Baby, I'm gonna go see if he wanna join us. Okay? - Okay.

Oh, man. It smells ripe up in here.

Something like underarm or feet. Kelly. Kelly, get up.

- Rise and shine. - No.

Let's go. You've been sleeping for two days. Come on. Dinner almost ready.

I'm not hungry, man.

I don't care if you ain't hungry. You need nutrients.

Look at you. You're all pale and everything. Come on. Get up.

Come on. Get up.

- Wait. Hold on, hold on. Where you going, Kelly? - Gonna take a leak.

You can't be walkin' around here in your tighty-whiteys. I got kids out here.

Kelly, what's wrong, man?

I could get you something else if you don't like veal.

Daphne refuses to eat veal.

It upset her the way they treat the baby cows.

- She's so sensitive. - [Bryana] Baby cows?

I don't want to eat baby cows.

[Clears Throat] Kelly, do you know how hard it is to get these kids to eat?

- Who's Daphne anyways? - That's none of your business, baby.

No, no, no. It's all right. She's my girlfriend.

Well, was. We broke up.

You got dumped, huh?

Hey, shut up, before I stab your throat. Now you go to your room.

No, it's all right, Bernie. Let the boy stay.

I'll explain it to him.

Jordan, sometimes two people just grow apart.

But that's okay. 'Cause I'm a man.

The book is closed. The chapter is over.

I'm done. I'm moving on.

Whoo-hoo!

- Okay, I feel better. L... I feel good. - [Wanda] Okay.

You know, let's... let's talk about somebody else.

- Mm-hmm. - How about you kids? What do you like to do?

I like to watch TV.

Daphne has my TV.

Uncle Bernie, you can send me to my room now.

Yeah, we all gonna go. Come on. Come on. Just come on.

- [Sobbing] - [Chattering]

[Sobbing]

I'm sorry, America. I didn't have the heart to tell him...

to wait outside while you and I, we talk.

But I gotta be honest with you, he's a little pathetic.

I'm embarrassed for my friend. He's become a shell of himself.

- I'm not sure what to do. - [Bryana] Give it back!

- [Jordan] No! - Can you kids keep it down out there? I'm talkin'!

- [Sobbing Continues] - Damn kids.

Wait a minute. I think I got it.

But we don't wanna.

Come on, gang. Be a sport.

Jordan, show him that magic trick, or do that thing with your eyelids. Flip 'em over.

And, baby girl, where your Barbie doll?

The man needs cheerin' up. Help me out.

But he scares me. He eats baby cows.

And he pees with the door open.

For once in your life, think about somebody beside yourself, you ungrateful urchins.

Now I want you to go over there and show some love. Get.

[With High-pitched Voice] I said get out!

But, baby, please.

No buts. You make me sick. I need a man, not a child.

So leave!

Take your stupid clothes...

and your stupid comic books and leave!

They're not stupid comic books.

They're collector's items. And I love you.

I don't care. I only love myself.

And I'm too selfish to consider your needs.

[Sobbing] I don't want to be alone.

Don't do this to me!

Get used to it! And stop driving by my house!

[Sobbing]

I don't know what to do, America.

I can't ask him to leave...

but Kelly's making this house very uncomfortable for everybody.

[Sobbing]

I'm sorry you gotta see this.

Kelly. Kelly.

Come here. Pull yourself together, man.

[Sobbing] I don't know what to do.

"I don't know what to do." What about you start acting like a man?

Shut up!

[Sobbing Stops]

Tough love.

What?

Hmm.

- Yeah, right. - What's happenin', party people?

Ohh! Look at here, baby. My man done showered.

Hey, Bernie, I wanna thank you, man.

Our little conversation really smacked me back into reality. Know what I mean?

- Hey, man, we're boys. - I don't know what I was trippin' on.

- Why was I trippin'? - Let's move on.

I was thinking, maybe I can take the kids to Royal Burger, make it up to 'em.

[Sighs] Kelly, um, l... l... I don't know.

You and the kids actually didn't... didn't click.

- Baby? - [Kids] Royal Burger! Royal Burger!

[Yelling]

Yeah. I think it'll be all right.

[Yelling Continues]

All right, my man. Go and have some fun.

- Appreciate that. - Hey, you need somethin'?

Nah, nah, nah. I got this. Come on, y'�ll. Let's go!

- [Door Closes] - I'll run the bath.

I'll get the wine.

He poured cereal in his cereal!

- I like to mix 'em. - Do mine! Do mine!

- Yes, ma'�m. - Kids, skip chewing and go straight to swallow.

- I got a business meeting. I can't be late. - You know what, Bernie?

- What's that? - You go ahead, man. I'll take 'em to school.

- What? - And if you have errands you want run, I'll take care of that.

- I ain't got nothing but time. - You're kidding me.

- Come on. - I got a list right there.

- Okay. Cool. I got that. - Thank you, man.

Yeah, man. Hey, hey. Can I pick them up from school too?

- Let's stop there. - Can I see Manny and the Deep Blue Sea today?

Oh... [Stammers] Please let me take them to see that. Japanimation is dope.

Wow, man. I don't know what to say, Kelly.

The last thing I want to do is sit at a three-hour movie and watch some singing jellyfish.

- I got you, man. - Kelly, man. Thank you, man.

- Not a problem. - Thank you. You be good.

Yes, this is Bernie Mac, and I need a tee time.

Oh, that's fine.

Thank you.

[Door Opens]

- Hey, man. - Hey.

- Thanks for letting me crash here, man. - What?

What you talkin' about? You leavin' already?

Well, I feel a little weird staying here, man.

- What you mean "weird," Kelly? - Come on, man. I haven't been at my best.

I cried like a little girl in front of your little girl. That was a personal low.

I thought you said your personal low was going to see that jellyfish movie.

- You're a funny guy. - Ain't no way. I'm not gonna hear of it.

- End of discussion. You're stayin' right here. - Thanks, man. Thanks.

Ain't no problem. Look here, I wanna talk to you about a little somethin'.

- Yeah? - You know that monologue you was trying to show me?

No. Thank you.

And you can stay as long as you like.

I mean, Bernie Mac has tapped back into the life force, if you know what I'm sayin'.

I didn't know that Kelly was such a good live-in.

I mean maid.

Houseguest. I mean, he's really good with them kids too.

I wonder if he does windows.

Cleans toilets.

The way he's built look like he... used to pick cotton.

"And then they kissed.

"And the handsome prince and the beautiful princess...

lived happily ever after."

Well, okay, y'�ll. That's it.

- Y'�ll got to go to sleep now. - [Bryana] Can you read one more?

- Please? - Okay. One more.

All right? One more.

That was so cute.

Yeah. I bet it won't be cute when they can't get up in the morning. I'll bet you that.

- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about Kelly.

He don't know what he's doin', Wanda.

You gotta cut those kids off. You gotta put your foot down.

Those kids gonna have him reading all night. Watch.

Ooh. Well, it seemed like they were enjoying it.

Yeah, right. Yeah, they was enjoying it.

'Cause they get to stay up later.

Well, they enjoy me out of one story. One.

You know why, Wanda? 'Cause I do the voices.

[Deep Voice] I do all the voices.

[High-pitched] He don't do the voices. I do the voices.

[With Funny Voice] You better do... I do the voices.

Bernie, if I didn't know any better, I would say you were jealous.

Jealous? I'm not jealous, America.

I got nothing against Kelly.

If he wants to read to baby girl, let him read to her.

He's just creating more work for me in the morning. That's all.

Reading to baby girl is something I always did though.

She likes it when I do the voices.

[With Funny Voice] Fee, fie...

[High-pitched] Fee, fie...

She really like it...

when I do...

[Jordan Coughing]

Oh, Lord.

Jordan. There you are, son.

Coughing like a hyena. Let me get your medicine for you.

That's okay, Bernie. I got it covered.

Oh... Oh... K-Kelly, you better let me do this.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Here, son, take this right quick.

Here. Just a little bit.

- [Gulping] - Take it. Good boy.

- [Groans] - Go down real smooth.

Make you feel better. Now I want you to go back to bed, okay?

Thanks. Good night, Uncle Kelly.

Night, little man.

You know, Kelly, you really gotta be careful with this.

Really.

- Bernie, I wasn't trying to step on your toes, man. - Yeah.

I mean, l... I was awake, I heard him cough, and I didn't want you to have to get up.

Kelly, this is prescription medication.

It's not any cough drops.

You gotta make sure he get the proper dosage.

You really got to be careful with this.

America, is it just me...

or is Kelly being a little presumptuous?

He seems to be dipping in my business.

And I don't think I'm being paranoid.

Now, hold on.

I don't remember smoking that cigar.

And my chair.

That's not my ass print.

Was Kelly talking to you all, America?

See, only I talk to you.

Whose house does he think this is?

This is Bernie Mac's house.

Hey, you know what? I'm not mad at you.

Nah. I'm just disappointed in you, America.

I thought me and you all was tight.

Remember I told you it was funky in here, America?

Well, it stinks now.

There are little alliances forming all around here, and I don't like it.

I don't know what my role is anymore.

I mean, I don't know how those kids see me.

Who am I and what am I to them?

You're who you've always been. The enemy.

- The Incredible Hulk. - Bigfoot.

The guy who terrorizes me.

- A big, fat pain in the... - Hey, hey, hey!

I know who you are. You're Uncle Bernie.

Oh, thanks, baby girl.

Uncle Bernie Poo-Poo Head.

See, they see me as the bad cop.

Kelly, the good cop. Well, fine.

See, I can't afford to be nice.

I got the responsibility of raising those kids, teaching them right from wrong.

Am I to blame for being more mature?

More of an adult? See, I could be the good cop too.

But every time I try, Kelly's always in the way...

cop-blocking me.

Man, he doesn't have anything good. All these are ancient.

Here. Why don't you spin this?

- Hey, you like OutKast? - Yep.

?? [Hip-hop]

?? [Man Rapping]

Hey. Hey, Kelly, you tighten up that monologue I was tellin' you about?

Oh, not yet. I was planning on doin' that a little bit later.

You know what? I'm really kind of worried about it.

You think you can, you know?

Yeah, I can do that.

- Thanks, man. - Yeah, no problem.

?? [Continues]

Backgammon. I'll play with you. Wanna play?

- That's all right. - ?? [Continues]

Oh, man, that was dirty.

I shouldn't have done that.

Yes, I should have. I don't know.

America, Bernie Mac is torn. Kelly's my boy, and I'm treating him like a little flunky.

Oh, Bernie, you... you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

- [Bryana] Uncle Kelly! - Uncle Kelly?

Ain't no Uncle Kelly. It's Uncle Bernie.

- Talking about Uncle Kelly. - Uncle Kelly, I threw up. Can you help me clean it?

Use the pine-scented cleaner, Uncle Kelly.

What?

Hey, why you all in here watching TV?

I thought you were supposed to be doing your homework.

- [Door Opens] - We're watching PBS. It's educational.

- What? - Hey, who's up for a movie?

- Yeah! I love movies! - Yes. Let's do it.

Anything you want to see. Movie, movie, movie. Here you go, dog.

[Door Opens]

- [All Chattering Excitedly] - [Door Closes]

See what I gotta deal with, America?

Of course the kids like Kelly. He's one of them.

He doesn't care if they do their homework.

"Let's go to the movie," he says.

He panders to 'em. That's what he does.

He gives them toys to play with.

Why, I could be fun. Uncle Bernie could be a fun uncle.

[Muffled] Hey, kids! Uncle Bernie's home.

Wanna have some fun?

Come on out. [Chuckles]

Yeah, kids!

Hey, Nessa. I got something in my teeth.

Excuse me.

Hey, Kelly. What you doing taking people's kids without their permission?

- What the heck you thinkin'? - Hey, what's going on, man? I-I thought we were boys.

- Yeah, I thought we were boys. - What you trying to say?

What I'm trying to say, Kelly, is there's a discrepancy, okay?

- What kind of discrepancy you talkin' about, Bernie? - Um, have you guys seen Bryana?

I thought she was with you.

She was standing right here a second ago, man.

Look. You all go that way. Come on.

[Children Squealing, Chattering]

[Video Game Car Engine Revving]

[Children Squealing]

Hey, little girl. What's your name?

- Bryana! - It's okay, man. She's with me.

It's okay, Bryana. Your Uncle Kelly is here. Come on.

- Baby girl. - Uncle Bernie!

Hey. Hey, hey. It's all right.

It's all right. Uncle Bernie here now.

Wanna play some more games?

- Wanna go home? - With you.

Look, America. If those kids want my man Kelly to be their fun uncle, that's fine with me.

He can be there for all the fun and games.

'Cause I'll be there for everything else.

See, it's not important that I be those kids' friend.

My job is to be their parent.

And let them know that I'm there for them always.

And you know what else, America?

As important as it is to be those kids' parents...

you gotta be your friend's friend too.

Oh, hey, Kel. Hold it. I wanna say something to you.

First of all, I wanna say I'm sorry...

and I know I've been acting a bit of an ass, and you know what?

You're my friend.

And more important, you're like my blood.

That means a lot to me, Bernie.

- You know I love you, man. - I love you too, man.

- I'm sorry, Kel. - It's all good, man.

Hey, I-I know I stayed here a little bit longer than I planned.

- No, no. - But it's cool. You ain't gotta sweat it.

- I found a place. - Oh, you did?

- Yeah. I'm moving on Monday. - Look here, you can stay here until Monday.

Nah, that's okay. You got the kids and everything.

Plus I need to be able to stay someplace where I can be a slob and walk around in my drawers.

Hey, you all packed, dog?

Yeah.

Let's do it.

Look, look, look. Look it, man.

Stupid game.

Oh, this is a good game now.

Yeah. Let the kids see me now. Look it.

Yeah. Look at me now, kids.

Wheel-O! [Chuckles]

This game don't make no doggone sense, but...

I'm a man.