Original subtitles

America, Bernie Mac is tired.

I mean, dead tired.

See, I been on the road for a whole week...

sleeping on planes and hotel rooms...

on lumpy, nasty, mite-ridden beds...

where your feet hang off, your toes get cold.

That ain't no way to live, America.

So now that I'm back at home, all I wanna do is crawl into my bed.

My bed. I'm talkin' about...

an extra-thick Posturepedic with feather bed...

1200-thread count Prestige sheets.

So warm and comfy. The closest thing you can get to a womb.

I just want to thank all the geese that made this night's rest possible.

Thank you.

[Sighs] Oh.

[Rattling]

[Rattling Continues]

- [Wrench Turning] - The bed again?

Yeah, baby. This doggone bed's been givin' me nothin' but trouble.

- What you so dirty from? - Oh.

I finally planted my cherry tree.

It is so beautiful, Bernie. I was just waiting for the right time of the year.

[Yawning] That's great, Wanda.

I know how excited you are. I know how much it meant to you, so...

I'm gonna hop in the shower. Get dressed.

We're meeting the Richters for dinner at 7:00.

[Sighs]

Bernie, did you hear what I said?

Yeah, baby, I heard you.

I didn't know we gotta meet the Richters tonight. I thought it was Sunday.

No, Sunday I gotta go to Bryana's play. I missed that last week, remember?

[Groans] Oh, baby.

I'm -I'm too tired, Wanda. I'm -I'm tired.

Bernie, what do you have against the Richters?

The only thing more boring than the Richters is Bryana's play.

No, I-I take that back.

Nothin' is more boring than the Richters.

Even if I had the strength, I couldn't take that boring couple.

I ain't got nothin' against the Richters, but eight shows in seven nights...

I'm exhausted. I just ain't got nothin' left.

Fine. I'll reschedule.

Thank you, baby.

Ain't nothin' gettin' me out of this bed tonight. I'm tired.

- [Telephone Ringing] - [Bernie] Yeah, Mac.

What you doin' callin' this ungodly hour?

Clippers tickets?

MichaelJordan and the Wizards, huh? Well...

If I go to the game, Wanda gonna kill me.

But if I miss a chance to see the greatest basketball player of all time...

I'm gonna kill myself.

It's a difficult choice.

MichaelJordan or my marriage.

My marriage or MichaelJordan.

Jordan.

Jordan?

Hey, Jordan!

Yeah. I'll be dead tomorrow. See ya.

Jordan. Jordan. I want you to fake an asthma attack.

- Start wheezin'. - Why? There's no school tomorrow.

No, boy. I want you to do it so we can go to the Clippers game.

Be our little secret. Start wheezin'.

You want me to throw up too? I can have a seizure.

- No, Jordan, wheeze. - You want me to swallow my tongue?

- No! - Ow!

- [Wheezing, Coughing] - Good.

Oh, Lord!

Boy, good. Good, good.

Oh, Lord!

- I'm gonna run him to the E.R., baby. - Let me take him.

- I know how tired you are. - This is my blood, baby...

and blood is more important than sleep.

- Do you have your keys? - Yeah.

- Watch his head. - [Jordan Yells]

- You know what else was great? - What?

The giant television screen. I've never been on TV before.

- You think I'm gonna be a star? - Not after you put your finger all the way up your nose.

You was all the way up to the second knuckle.

- You know what else was huge? - What?

- The players. They were like giants. - Yeah.

- Why didn't they let the white guys play? - I don't know, son.

But you gotta get rid of that program. It's incriminatin' evidence.

Get rid of that.

- Hey, hey, Jordan, what you doin'? - [Horn Honking]

- But you said I should... - I'm gettin' ready to go to the trash can.

Boy, you know, you a trip.

- I guess as long as you had fun, huh? - Yeah.

- But you know what was my favorite part though? - What?

How upset you were when they said MichaelJordan wasn't playing.

- I wasn't. - You almost cried.

- No, I wasn't upset. No, I wasn't. - "Oh, Lord!"

Oh, Lord, Lord... That's what I did?

- What'd I do? What'd I do? - "Oh, Lord!"

- Oh, Lord! - Like that.

- Let's -Let's move on. - Yeah, let's move on.

- [Both Laughing] - [Cell Phone Ringing]

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hello? Hey, baby.

Yeah, he's fine.

- A little congested. - [Coughing]

Yeah, nothin' serious. They took some X-rays and everything.

- But he gonna be fine. Yeah, we're on our way home. - [Coughing Continues]

Okay? All right, sweetheart.

Bye-bye. You can stop now, Jordan.

No... choking.

Oh, oh. Jordan?

- [Groans] - You all right?

[Both Chuckling]

Oh, come on, now. Don't look at me like that, America.

I mean, the boy was just chokin' on a pretzel.

That could happen anywhere. Am l... Am I wrong, Billy?

Billy was at the game. He saw the game. The boy had a good time.

- Tell 'em, Billy. - No, it's true. Hi. How ya doin'?

I was sittin' just a few rows in front of them.

You really gotta get some courtside seats.

- Well, my friend, he called me at the last minute. - But you're sittin' way back.

- And-And he lied to me. - Yeah, but I'm sittin' in the front row.

I had two rebounds and an assist. You know, you're way, way back there.

Anyway, they were having a great time. It was kind of beautiful.

You know, a boy and his father figure. Right?

What could be more American than that? So it was cool.

You see? You see? That's what I'm talkin'- - talkin' about, Billy.

See, see, that... See, that ain't no big deal.

I had the boy fake a little asthma attack. No big deal.

Wait-Wait-Wait...

You had him fake an asthma attack?

He-He do it all the time, Billy.

- You-You don't know him. - Well, I don't understand this.

You had him fake an illness so you could go to a Clipper game?

I just had him do the wheeze. I didn't let him swallow his tongue.

Oh, that's so big of you.

For a Clipper game? What happens if they make the play-offs?

What do you do then? Do you stop his heart?

I mean, asthma's not a funny thing, Bernie, you know.

I-I had asthma when I was a kid.

I mean, you know, I was born in New York...

and I started, you know, getting excited about things.

And before I know it, I'm in Phoenix, you know, 'cause it's dry.

- Let's move on, Billy. - And then, you know, it's not funny.

And I'd be in class and I'd get agitated, and I'd start...

- Here it... I'd start to... - Put it in your book.

- Anyway, America, I had a good time. - It's not funny.

- The boy had a... The boy had a good time. - [Wheezing]

- And I just gotta get... - I need my Breathalyzer.

- Not funny, man. - This one last hurdle.

Comedy is not funny. Not funny.

You're takin'- - You're takin'- - You're goin' over the hill with...

- You're goin' over the hill with this, Billy. - [Wheezing]

He-He do... He-He...

He do her. He don't never do her. He always...

Cut the camera off.

Cut the camera off.

[Gasping] Help me.

- Bernie, I was so worried. - Shh. He's sleepin'.

But he's fine. Doctor told me to keep him level.

There you go, America. The perfect crime.

Aw, don't look at me like that.

It was victimless. No one got hurt.

As long as Wanda never find out, no one will.

Here you go, sweetie.

I thought you would enjoy these.

Double fudge brownies! You thought right.

What's wrong, Aunt Wanda?

Jordan, I was so scared last night.

About what?

All I could think about was you in the emergency room not being able to breathe.

Oh, you don't have to worry. I'm fine.

I've been told I have the lung capacity of someone 10 times my age.

You're such a brave little soldier.

You relax, and I'll fix your favorite dinner.

- But why? - Because Dark Deception is "R" rated.

Restricted. No one under 17 admitted without a parent.

And Aunt Wanda and I already saw it. End of discussion, Nessa.

[Scoffs] I can't believe you.

What's the problem, baby? In four years, you'll be able to rent it.

- Give you somethin' to look forward to. - Uncle Bernie?

- Yeah. - You know our secret?

I've been thinkin'. Maybe we should tell Aunt Wanda the truth.

He too doggone young to have a conscience.

She was really worried about me last night. It made me feel bad.

Jordan, I-I-I don't want you to feel bad.

The last thing I want you to do is worry about Aunt Wanda.

See, sometimes in order for us to have a little fun...

we have to bend the-the truth a little bit.

- You mean lie? - No. Mm-mmm.

I don't mean lie. I mean bend the truth. There's a difference.

See, we sometimes let off steam in a manly way, like basketball.

And, see, Aunt Wanda, she's a woman.

And, see, women, they're different. They're more sensitive.

That's why they cry at movies and commercials and stuff like that.

You cried during The Lion King.

I-I didn't cry. You know, I was... I was thinkin' about somethin' sad.

Like, what would happen to you if you were to tell Aunt Wanda about this basketball business.

And, besides, you don't want to hurt Aunt Wanda's feelings, do you?

Last thing you wanna do is make her cry, Jordan.

Yeah.

I think you need to forget about this "tellin' Aunt Wanda" business, okay?

- Okay, I guess. - Okay, good.

And, remember, we're not lyin'.

We're bendin' the truth just to get what we want.

Right.

Aw, I don't care what you're thinkin', America.

It's not like I taught the boy how to boost a car or anything.

This is harmless. Just a little black boy tellin' a little black lie.

No harm, no foul. You grown-ups, y'�ll do it every day.

Huh. Get outta my face.

[Groans]

- Bryana, stop! - What?

Those cookies are spoiled. If you eat 'em...

they're gonna have to take you away in an ambulance and pump your stomach.

- But I already ate one. - Hurry! Go to the bathroom and brush your teeth!

Hurry! There's still time!

Hurry! Hurry!

?? [Funk]

Uncle Bernie said you were supposed to wash these dishes.

What? That's not my job. I'm goin' to Shannon's.

I heard him talkin' to Aunt Wanda.

He said he'd come over there and get you.

If I were you, I'd get it over with.

[Sighs] Fine. Better washing dishes...

than him embarrassing me in front of my friends with his big dumb mouth.

- Yep. - ?? [Continues]

- Oh. - Oh, Mr. Mac.

Hi, Sister Arlene, Mary. How are you?

[Together] We're fine.

We just wanted to know how your wife was feeling.

- My-My wife is fine. Why? - Oh.

Jordan's been quite upset about his aunt's sudden illness.

- Sudden illness? - We just wanted you to know that we were aware of it.

Oh, and I've told the other teachers not to assign any homework...

as long as the crisis exists.

- Crisis? - Jordan has got enough on his mind.

Oh. Sisters, thank you.

Lyin' to a nun...

sayin' his aunt's sick.

He's the one about to be sick.

Gonna contract a sudden case of"assus beatus redus."

That's Latin for "I'm gonna whup his ass till it glows."

I'm pissed, America, and I ain't lyin'.

[Yells] Uncle Bernie, you stepped on Powerman!

What your Powerman doin' on the floor? I thought I told you to clean this mess up, Jordan.

- Hold your horses. I'm watchin' television. - Hold my horses?

- Boy, I'm gettin' ready to go Clydesdale on you. - [Grunting]

What's up, guys? Hey.

- Hey, baby. - Nothing.

Uncle Bernie's just helping me practice my shot. Swish!

Yeah, I was, uh, foulin' him.

Oh.

Uncle Bernie, would it be okay if I cleaned up this mess after the TV show?

No, I want you to clean your mess up now, Jordan.

Swish!

The boy isn't just evil. He's an evil genius.

A little black Lex Luther.

He really got some dirt on me. This is blaxploitation.

I'm tellin' you, America. Blaxploitation.

This ain't nothin' but some blaxploitation.

Huh. He's good.

- Damn bed. - Bernie?

- Yo. - Did you tell the gardeners to cut down my cherry tree?

No, man. Of course I didn't.

Well, they did, and they are gone first thing in the morning.

Oh, baby, just chill. Now go in there and get you a glass of wine.

Just relax. It was probably a misunderstanding.

No, it was a misunderstanding when they killed my azaleas.

This is unforgivable.

They are gone. End of discussion.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Speaking of your foliage, okay...

Christina called talkin' about your eyebrow appointment at 6:00...

- or something like that tonight. - Tonight?

- Tonight. - But I'm supposed to be goin' to Bryana's play tonight.

Oh! This is just a bad day.

Well, I mean, just call and reschedule, baby. Quit trippin'.

Reschedule? You can't reschedule with Christina.

- She's booked months in advance. - Oh, stop it.

Now, that's just totally ridiculous. You talkin' about waxin' some eyebrows.

How difficult is it waxin' some eyebrows?

You give me some candles, tweezers and a razor blade, lie across the bed.

I'll hook you up, baby. Pluck it out. I'll pluck...

- I'll call and reschedule. - You know, you look kind of sexy when you're dirty.

Whatever.

- [Wrench Turning] - Baby girl, you been jumpin' on my bed?

- No, it wasn't me, Uncle Bernie. - [Doorbell Ringing]

[Groans]

Oh. I guess you're here for your last check, huh?

Mr. Mac, we're very sorry we cut your tree.

Yeah? I bet next time you'll be a little careful, won't you?

S�, but your son told Luis that you wanted it down.

I'll see you next week. Don't worry about it.

Oh, baby girl, I can't get over how wonderful you were in that play.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

And you were so talented, and by far the prettiest one up there.

It just made my heart soar.

Yeah, I know what you did, Jordan. Yeah, I know it was you.

It was you that cut down that cherry tree.

Jordan, you tryin' to punk me.

I'm gonna let you know, I'm unpunkable, okay?

Uncle Bernie, I need a haircut. Do you have any clippers?

No, I don't have any clippers.

But I'll be more than happy to take you to the barbershop next to the bakery.

You know the bakery, son... the one that sells cherry pies.

I like the name Michael, and I like the nameJordan.

MichaelJordan.

MichaelJordan. What do you think, Uncle Bernie?

I think I oughta cut...

That boy must be crazy, playin' tit-for-tat with me.

Bernie Mac don't play no tit-for-tat with no eight-year-old.

He think he smart? He don't know who he's dealin' with.

I'll beat that boy by bein' the bigger man.

I'm gonna screw him by bein' honest.

I'm a topthologist when it comes to bull.

- You went to the Clipper game? - Jordan cut down your cherry tree.

- Stool pigeon! - You did what?

You know how excited I was about that little tree. Why did you do that?

[Jordan] Well, I was playing NFL with a friend...

and every time one of us would go out for a pass...

that stupid cherry tree got in our way.

So I kind of told the gardeners that Uncle Bernie wanted them to cut it down.

I fired our gardeners for nothin'.

Yeah, and they got families. Big ones.

Aw, stop it, America. Check the census.

This boy's a bad apple... a rotten one.

Yeah, that fell from the Bernie Mac tree.

- Hey... - [Wanda] She's right.

Bernie, how do you have the audacity...

to have your nephew fake an asthma attack?

I was worried sick about him. Have you no shame?

Yeah, baby, l...

It was MichaelJordan. How many comebacks you think he got left?

I am disappointed in you both.

Lies, deceit.

You're worse than that awful family in Dark Deceptions...

and that was a horror movie.

Yeah. I bet we have bodies buried under our floorboards too.

What you know about the floorboards, Nessa?

My friend told me about it.

- Yeah, right. - [Wanda] Wait a minute.

That was you.

What are you talking about?

[Wanda] I was waiting for my appointment.

As usual, Christina was running late.

I was flipping through the Cosmo when I glanced out of the window forjust a moment.

That's when I thought I spotted Vanessa.

I thought your uncle and I were crystal clear...

about you not seeing "R" rated movies.

- I can't believe I gave you the benefit of the doubt. - Nah!

Lucky for us you spotted her during your eyebrow appointment...

or you would've got away with cold-blooded murder.

Oh, don't play innocent, Bernie. You're in it just as deep as she is.

Okay, then. That's fine.

You wanna talk about innocence? How you like baby girl's play, sweetheart?

- And what was your favorite part? - Don't change the subject.

Yeah, Aunt Wanda. What was your favorite part about the play?

I loved all of it, sweetie.

Did you like the part where she came out like a beautiful flower?

Oh, I loved that part. She was precious, and she looked adorable.

She did look cute as a flower.

- And you know that song she sang? You know the one. - Uh-huh.

Oh, I loved it. You were most magnificent, baby girl.

Oh, sweetheart. She wasn't a flower.

She was a rabbit the whole time.

I didn't sing either. I hopped the whole time.

[Laughing] This is gettin' good.

I guess you're as bad as we are.

Except I didn't lie to a five-year-old.

Oh, gosh. Oh, baby girl.

I'm so sorry. L...

I tried to make it to your play. Really, honestly, I did.

I didn't realize my appointment was going so long.

I drove as fast as I could.

But by the time I got there...

the play was already over.

Please, don't be mad at me. I am so sorry, baby girl.

I know you're not gonna understand, but, see, Christina...

she's booked solid for the next two months.

And you wouldn't want your Aunt Wanda walkin' around with a unibrow, would you?

Stop it. Stop it.

All of us should be ashamed of ourselves. All of us.

Everyone here except baby girl, 'cause she's the only good one in the bunch.

- I tell the truth. - You sure do.

I wish you would learn to tell the truth.

- You always try to kill my spirits. - [Voices Overlapping]

And you better watch... I gotta watch you with binoculars.

I feel better, America.

See, here I was thinkin' I was a snake...

feedin' the boy forbidden fruit...

when it turns out the whole garden's brimmin' with serpents.

The entire family's lowdown and deceitful as I am.

See, I gotta lead by a better example.

From now on, no more lyin'.

The only one who hasn't been corrupted is baby girl.

See, she's still like Eve. I mean, before the apple.

Innocent, pure as snow.

[Giggling, Squealing]

Not funny, Bernie. [Wheezing]

Anyway, America, they did have a good time.

The boy didn't have a good time. But now, he's gotta get past one last hurdle.

[Wheezing] I was just kidding.

You got a lot of nerve, Billy.

You want somethin' to drink?

[Wheezing]

[People Laughing]