Original subtitles

Look at that. Doggone. I'm so sick of this, I don't know what to do.

- Look. Another one, another one. - [TVChannel Changing]

300 cable channels, and I gotta block off 280.

You know why? Sex.

It's every doggone where. It's on TV, D.V.D., videotape...

even on the Internet.

Let me tell you all: The other day, baby girl was on the computer...

Iooking for some pictures of some pussycats.

It took me six hours to explain to her what she saw.

Now, America, I'm gonna tell you something.

We gotta get this doggone sex off the television...

and put it back on the street where it belongs.

- This is ridiculous. Humph. Another one. - [Channel Changing]

- That's a commercial. This... - [TVTurns Off]

?? [Singing]

- ?? [Whistling] - [Door Closes]

Hey, yo, man. Uh, where's the pool?

"Yo, man?" Excuse me?

The pool.

- The pool? - Man, forget it. I'll find it.

?? [Hip-hop]

Baby.

What's all these kids here?

Vanessa's having a pool party.

Who told Vanessa she could have a pool party at my doggone house?

I told Vanessa she could have a pool party at our house.

- Ahhh. - Now, relax, Bernie. The kids are just having fun.

You know what? That's all right.

But if I see that knotty-headed boy walking around here...

the one that was in the house actin' like it was his...

Sweetie, just go back inside. [Blows Kiss]

- Go on. - This ain't right.

See, now that... That right there? That's one of those Similac babies.

Man. They ain't making 'em like that when we were young.

Mm-mmm. Man, if I was 15 now...

- You'd still be peeking and not playing, so shut up. - [Laughing]

What you all doing?

Yo. Yo, yo, Bernie, man, look.

Man, these girls dressing like they grown, man.

Mm. Look at the one in the blue right there.

- Where? - Right there.

- That's Wanda. - [Giggles]

- Sorry, man. - It's my bad, man.

I don't envy you, man. My daughter's a year older than Vanessa...

and I'm already chasing away the boys.

Yeah, man, and boys at that age only have one thing on their minds, dog.

- Uh-huh. - Ahhh.

Oh, cut it out, man. Y'�ll trying to put the cables on me, man.

Make me paranoid.

Besides, man, you talking about kids.

You know, I ain't worried about it.

Wanda's out... out there. She's chaperoning.

- Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm.

[Beeping]

- What the hell is that? - Hey, man.

We're just telling you how little boys are. No need to get upset.

No. No! No!

- Get your hands off! - What are you doing?

Man, why your pops gotta be like that?

- He's not my pops. - I'm not her pops.

Why don't you get in the pool and cool off?

- I can't swim. - I don't want you to swim.

Why don't you get in the deep end?

Bernie, leave these kids alone.

Look here. I'm telling y'�ll both.

I'm not gonna let Vanessa bring another mouth in this house for us to feed.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about your sister's too doggone young to become an auntie...

that's what I'm talking about!

Aunt Wanda, can you please tell your husband to leave me alone?

He's ruining my party!

She's a good girl. Stop worrying.

He was holding her hand, baby.

Exactly, Bernie. Holding hands.

- How bad is that? - That's a start.

That young boy got hormones jumping all outta his body...

and you ain't making it no better with that outfit you got on.

You like my outfit, Bernie Mac?

Wanda, stop. You're making it real hard for me to do my duty...

- [Blows] - As a parent.

You let Aunt Wanda handle the duties as a parent...

and maybe tonight we'll talk about your husbandly duties.

Now, shoo. Go on.

- What you doing? - Oh, hey. Um, noth... It was time out.

You a liar.

I'm sick of this.

How the hell I get back here?

Hey! What's this? Huh?

I was giving Kevin my number.

No, you was giving Kevin my number!

How come you're not in the deep end?

- Better hurry up. - [Vibrating]

Your pager blowing up.

[Sighs] You are ruining my life!

Aunt Wanda!

Bernie Mac, out!

Talking about I'm ruining your life. Girl, I'm trying to save your life!

Well, fine. I tell you what.

I ain't changing no diapers.

Oughta kick in your chest.

Hey. Where you all going?

Yo, man, we can catch the game somewhere else, all right?

No, no, man. I'm cool, man. Come on. Sit down. Sit down.

Hey. What?

What the... That little knot-head. Hey!

Bernie's letting those kids drive him crazy, man.

Vanessa!

[Chuckling] Yeah, what y'�ll running for?

'Cause you won't leave us alone.

Alone? Why you wanna be alone?

Y'�ll must be up to something.

We were just getting some soda.

Soda. Yeah, I know what that means.

You better not be getting no soda in this house, boy.

- What? - Don't "what" me, boy.

You know exactly what I mean. I'm not gonna let you ruin this girl's life.

Matter of fact, I want you out of my house. Your party is over!

- I can't stand you! - Yeah. Okay.

You get out of here.

You see how ungrateful she is?

She hates me! I'm trying to save her from making a big mistake.

I ain't trying to be no hard guy, America...

but I'll chase baby girl around this house every day if I have to.

If that's what it takes to keep her away from boys, hoo!

I hate him.

I heard that!

- [Sighs] - I heard that.

[Large Bell Tolling]

Hey, baby.

This is a great age, huh?

Tell me about it. I got a 13-year-old at home... nothing but trouble.

She had a pool party the other day.

All kinds of boys walking through the house, hitting on her like they're grown.

So then I'm the bad guy when I throw their stuff in the pool.

Yeah. I think we oughta lock 'em up from the ages of 13 to 18 to keep 'em safe...

and then at the age of 18, unlock 'em, kick 'em out of the house.

That's exactly how I feel.

Kids need boundaries. That's why I send my boy to Catholic school.

- Me too. I'm Bernie, man. - Hi. David.

- David. - Here we go.

- Hey, sport. - Hey.

Dad, can I go over toJordan's house and play?

No. I think Bernie's busy and you got homework. Come on.

No, no, no, no. He can come.

I mean, this is a great time for boys to build a lifelong friendship.

Yeah. You're right. 4:00?

Fine with me.

[Doorbell Rings]

- Vanessa, get that. - Why?

None of my friends are welcome here, so I know it's not for me.

[Doorbell Rings]

- Bernie. - Hey, Dave!

What's going on? Dave. Byron.

Hey, Jordan! Byron's here!

- Bernie Mac. - Yes.

I can't believe Dave didn't know who you were. I am your biggest fan.

You are, like, the funniest man on the planet!

Uh, thank you. Than-Thank you.

- Thank you. - This is Phil, my very over-the-top partner.

Partner?

Bernie, I was just telling Phil how much you and I have in common.

- It's uncanny. - It's unnatural.

[Chuckling]

Well, I hope you have a good time, Byron.

Give Daddy a kiss.

- Okay. - Ciao, Bernie.

Ciao. Take it easy.

Okay. Here we go.

All right. Today is you guys' day.

Anything you wanna do is fine.

Look. I got a football, got a pair of boxing gloves.

- Hey, look here. I got toy guns. - [Electronic Gunfire]

We can play war. You do play war, don't you, Byron?

Oh, whatever.

See this video game here? This game here, man, you can tear a guy's head clear off!

We'll have some good regular guy fun today.

[Breathing Heavily]

Make a loop.

The bunny goes up the hole...

around the tree...

and back into the hole.

- Now, pull, but not too tight. - Like this?

What the hell? Yarn?

- What are you guys doing? - Byron's showing me how to make a knot.

Why you using yarn? That's for needlepoint and tying bows on girls'- - Man, give me this.

We couldn't find anything else.

You mean you couldn't find wire or fishing line...

an extension cord, something like that to play with?

- Mr. Mac? - Yes.

Isn't that stuff dangerous?

Um, yes.

Listen. It's too nice outside for you all to be inside playing with knots.

Come on. I want you all to get up. I want you to go outside and play.

Nah. Run between some cars or something. Be men!

Bryana's having fun with her dolls. Why don't you go break that up?

The Undertaker says bring it on!

[Both Grunting]

- [Blows Landing] - [Laughing]

Boy, those Three Stooges something else.

I'd have killed that Moe.

- [Grunting] - Oh.

Jordan. Jor, Jor. Byron.

Jordan. Stop, stop. Break it up.

What's going on here? You all playing too close.

We were just playing W.W.F. I was about to give him a pile driver.

Ain't gonna be no pile driver, Jordan.

Did I do something wrong?

No, son. You didn't do nothin' wrong.

Listen. I just want you all to have some fun.

Good clean fun. Okay?

Now, here. Go to it.

- I'm making too much of this. Maybe I'm too old school. - ?? [Disco Playing]

Maybe they're just children. Maybe they're just boys out there having fun.

Ain't nothing wrong with that boy.

America, the Mac man apologizes.

- Fourteen! Twenty-two! - Oh, my Lord! Jordan!

- That's it. Playdate over. - But why?

- Cause I said so! - But we were having fun!

Yeah. That was your first mistake.

Byron, let's go get your stuff.

- Awww. - "Awww." Let's go.

America, I know exactly what you thinking.

"Those are two young boys out there playing...

and what could be so wrong?"

See, I'm not trying to mess with the boys' fun.

I just don't want them to grow up too soft.

See, Jordan, he can be anything he wants to be.

If he wants to grow up to be a policeman, he could be that.

Or how about a construction worker? Nothing wrong with that.

He even might wanna join the navy.

Hey. I have no problem with that.

It does not matter if he wanna be a biker, a cowboy or an Indian chief.

I personally don't mind.

The boy could be whatever he wants to be, right?

[In Unison] Whatever he wants to be!

See? How you doin', cop?

Uh, chief, your wampum is comin' out your pouch.

L-Let's move on.

- Yeah. - Hey, Bernie.

- Hey, hey. - Hey, buddy.

Hey, sport. Everything okay?

Yeah. Boys are great. You know, Jordan has asthma...

and I can see all the activity kinda wearing him down.

- Ah, okay. - Ooh. Hey, hon.

- What's going on? - Oh, uh, Brenda, this is Bernie.

- Bernie, this is my wife. - Your wife?

I thought you and Phil was partners.

We are. We're writing partners.

But sometimes I think they're the married couple.

L... You know what? I gotta get back. Jordan, he has a... He's wheezing.

So... [Sighs]

See? That's why I didn't judge.

At most, I was overly cautious.

Man, there was children involved.

Okay. I hurtJordan's feelings. I'm sorry. He'll get over it.

And if I hurt you all out there, forgive me.

- I hate him! - I heard that!

- [Wheezing] - Take your medicine!

[Wheezing Continues]

So how we gonna get him?

I don't know, but we have to choose our time just right.

[TV.' Soft Sound Track]

Bryana's asleep. Do you have any plans for tonight?

No. You know I ain't got no plans for tonight.

- [Sniffs] - Good, 'cause I'm expecting a package.

Package?

- Good night, kids. - Good night.

See?

Respect. That's what I'm talking about.

[TVTurns Off]

[No Audible Dialogue]

So, you want me to steal the package?

No, no, no. There is no package.

That was just a cover-up so they could handle their business.

It's more like a code word.

Ohhh. Nasty.

This'll be the perfect time for us to get him.

Yeah. Let's get him.

Do you think there's cookies in the packages?

I don't know, but if you help us out...

I promise I'll get you a whole bunch of cookies.

- Yea! - Shh!

[Softly] Yea.

?? [Soul]

- You know, Mrs. Mac... - Mm?

I think you're trying to seduce me.

Guess what? I kinda like it.

[Chuckles] Get over here.

- Show you right. - [Knocking]

- [Bryana] Uncle Bernie! - What?

I'm scared!

- Scared of what? - Uh, I forgot.

Come back when you remember!

Okay.

[Knocking]

[Bryana] Uncle Bernie?

- [Sighs] Baby, hold on. - Mm.

H-Hold on.

- [Yells] What? - [Groans]

You see? There's no monsters down here.

[Groans] Now, look. I looked everywhere.

I can't find no monsters. Now, anybody else want anything?

Okay, good, because as of right now...

Uncle Bernie is officially off the clock.

Don't call me for nothing. Call me again, see what'll happen to you.

- Is everything okay? - Baby, it's crazy, man...

how those kids got great timing, man.

Who cares? Now it's our time.

- Show you right. You know what? - What?

- I've been yearning for you, baby. - Mmm.

- Now. - [Shatters]

What the hell is that? Hold on. See what I'm talking about? See?

[Whimpers]

Now, look. I done told you all for the last time...

not to disturb me, and that means not even a knock on the door.

I don't want you all to get out of bed for nothing.

If you put one foot on the floor, I'm gonna be angry.

- Do you understand me? - What if we...

"What if' nothing! You can't do nothin'!

I don't care if the earth quake. You just ride it!

Should have left you all at Cabrini-Green.

Just animals!

Y'�ll act like you ain't got no home training.

?? [Soul]

Baby.

- [Thump] - What's that?

- That's Bernie Mac. - No. I'm serious. I heard something outside.

- Baby, it could be a stray cat. - Meow!

- See? - Oh.

- See? - Mmm.

Mmm.

- Bernie. Bernie, look. - What? What? What? What?

I told you there's someone in the yard.

[Yells] Who out there?

- Hold on a second. Hold on now. - I'm just saying, "Hey."

Don't let me come out there! You picked the wrong house!

Wrong house!

I swear you picked the wrong house! You picked the wrong house! Yes, sir!

Now, I'm gonna ask you one more time!

- Who out there? - [Bryana] It's a monster!

See? See? I knew it was you kids.

I told you not to get out of bed, didn't I?

You're really in trouble now!

It's on now. I don't know who you think you all playin' with.

Like I ain't never been a kid. I was the worst kid on the block.

When l... Yeah! I saw ya! I seen ya!

Aha ha... Ow!

- [Thump] - Boy, I'm gonna kill you!

You better hope my leg is broke. I swear before the Lord and whatever on top of me...

Wanda! Wanda.

Baby.

Okay. I understand that you are angry with your Uncle Bernie.

But did you even consider your Aunt Wanda's feelings?

Sorry, Aunt Wanda. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

- Yeah. You were collateral damage. - No.

No, you all were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I told y'�ll not to get out of bed...

and y'�ll chose to disrespect our privacy.

- You didn't respect ours. - Yeah.

You little kids ain't got no doggone privacy.

Bernie, stop it.

Vanessa.

He embarrassed me in front of all my friends.

Jordan?

I felt like Byron's mad at me 'cause he had to go home early.

- Bernie, say you're sorry. - I'm not saying it.

Bernie, say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

Kids, say, "T hat's okay, Uncle Bernie."

[In Unison] That's okay, Uncle Bernie.

- Okay. - Great. We're all one big happy family.

You, go to bed. You three stay.

You're gonna tell me to say I'm sorry. I ain't did nothing.

Now, your Uncle Bernie has shown you that your feelings are important.

And he and I need our time alone. You understand?

- Yes, ma'�m. - Yes, ma'�m.

Good. Because the next person that comes into your room will be me.

And we don't want that, do we?

- Nope. - No, ma'�m.

Good. Good night.

And I'll take these.

?? [Soul]

- [Sniffs] - [Wanda] Baby, let's go.

Baby? Bernie?

Ohhh.

We'll pick up on this tomorrow night.

Oh, wait. I have a meeting.

Okay. Some other time.

[Cackles]

Lemme be straight.

This ain't aboutJordan being gay.

I don't care if he play with a little boy or a little girl.

I don't want him to be exposed to sex at his age.

If you like, I'll put him in a bubble.

You gonna tell...

You gonna tell me how to raise my nephew?

If I don't want him to play with whoever I don't want him to play with...

he ain't gonna play with them.

Y'�ll can cut it off. Humph.