Original subtitles

Yes, y'�ll with kids, I want you to hear somethin'.

Listen.

That's right... [Whispers] Quiet.

Jealous, ain't you? Yeah, I know.

My baby, Wanda, she's out shoppin' with the kids.

I got the whole house to myself.

And that means Nessa ain't walkin' around rolling her eyes...

and Jordan ain't with that annoyin' cackle.

Let me tell you somethin'- - I never thought I'd envy the deaf.

But don't get me wrong... I love those kids.

But silence is golden. You wanna hear it again?

Listen.

- [Sighs] - [Clattering]

- What's that? - [Footsteps]

Wanda?

Baby, you back already?

[Thudding]

Excuse me for a second.

Who is it?

Wanda?

Nessa!

- [Thudding] - Hey!

[Window Slamming, Creaking]

[Dog Barking]

How somebody just gonna come up in my house? What the...

What's wrong with people today? It's disgusting, despicable!

You're supposed to rob somebody when they're not at home!

I gave them all the signals I was here... lights on, truck's in the driveway.

I'm talkin' to myself... out loud.

What more do I need to do? Meet 'em at the door with a hot toddy? Man!

I'm standing at the end here. I saw the punk right there, in here.

I chased him and he ran through the hall and jumped out the bathroom window.

- [Wanda] Bernie! - Yeah, right here, baby.

- What's going on? - Somebody broke into the house.

- Oh, my God. Are you okay? - I'm fine, baby.

- Did he take any of my stuff? - I'm fine, thank you, selfish.

I'm sorry, Officer, about my children... theyjust selfish.

These kids today ain't worth two dead flies smashed.

Like I was sayin', if I'd have caught him, I'd have kicked his ass.

Mr. Mac, we'll let you know as soon as we get any leads.

Meantime, everybody keep these doors and windows locked.

Don't make it easy on 'em.

- Thank you, Officer. - Thank you.

"Don't make it easy for 'em"? Easy?

I'll tell you what, America. I'm gonna protect my family by any means necessary.

If somebody comes back up in here, it's gonna be a dark day for him and his mama.

There's gonna be a discrepancy, a misunderstandin'.

I'm talkin' bustin' heads. I'm talkin' 'bout some slow singin' and flower bringin'.

If y'�ll didn't know, I'm a topthologist in whupassology.

Yes, sir. Easy. Come... Come on in.

Help yourself. Come on. I'm gonna pop. Whoo.

Come on. Come on.

[Water Running]

[Wanda] Bernie?

- [Sniffs] - [Water Off]

- Yeah? - Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

[Sighs] Ohh, baby.

Ohh.

Oh, that feels good.

I'm trying to figure out how that guy got up in here.

Did you leave that window in the bathroom open?

- I don't remember, baby. - You don't remember?

Baby, what if baby girl was here?

She'd have been killed.

She'd be dead right now.

From now on, I want all the windows and doors locked.

Okay, baby. Come on now. Just try to relax.

- I'm trying. - Okay.

[Groans]

Thank God nothing happened to you. I wouldn't know what I would do.

Thank you, baby.

- What is it? - Shh. Wait a minute.

- You hear somethin'? - Mm-mmm.

- You didn't hear nothin'? - Mm-mmm.

Probably nothin'.

- Where you goin'? - Gonna check the door in the den.

I'm not sure I locked it.

I don't know what's going on with me, America.

Back home I saw evildoin' and crime all the time.

I'm not ashamed to say that Bernie Mac might have been involved...

on the other side of it occasionally.

It never made me jumpy before.

This good livin' makin' me soft. I gotta get my edge back.

[Quiet Clattering]

- Man, I'm gonna bust your head wide... - [Screaming]

[Screaming] What you doin'? I almost killed you with my bat!

Bernie, what's happening?

Uncle Bernie almost killed me with his bat!

No more bat!

- No, no, baby. Baby, listen. - No, no, no!

I didn't know...

Did you see that?

I almost clubbed Bryana like a baby seal.

What's wrong with me, America?

I feel violated.

I can't go on like this.

I don't want you to see me like this.

I got an image to maintain.

Cut the camera off.

Cut it off.

[Bernie] Gather 'round, kids. I wanna show you something.

You see this? This is not a toy.

The next time someone tries to break into our home, this may save our lives...

provided we use it correctly.

The first one in must use the code...

and our code will be 1-3-8.

- Let me hear you say it. - [All] 1-3-8.

Thank you. Here's a hint to remind you of the code.

It's the first three numbers of our address.

That's clever. I thought of that myself.

Let's move on.

The last one out must shut the door and arm the system.

And how do you arm the system? You press B-4.

As in "B-4" I leave, I must arm the system.

If not, the police will come. You'd be arrested as accomplices.

That's right... That means you're gonna go to jail...

and I will send you to jail, so remember...

B-4, and you got 15 seconds to get out.

Let's move on.

Now, next is false alarm.

If there's a false alarm, the police will call...

and you got to give the password... you got to.

And the password's gonna be Claudine... because that's my favorite movie.

I thought your favorite movie was Cooley High.

Yeah, well, Cooley High is my favorite Chicago movie.

Car Wash is my favorite L.A. Movie...

and Claudine is my favorite New York movie, along with Cotton Comes to Harlem.

Let's just say that Claudine is my favorite Diahann Carroll movie.

- Who's Diahann Carroll? - You don't know Diahann...

Diahann Carroll...

Let's move on.

I'll bet those kids feel safer already, 'cause you know what?

I know I do.

I have to admit. This alarm system thing was a great idea.

I don't know why I didn't get myself one a long time ago.

It's so simple.

Look, I'm gettin' my edge back.

[Exhales]

[Bernie] Come on, y'all. Let's go. Let's go!

All right, all right. Good, good.

Now, everybody got everything? Nobody leavin' anything?

'Cause I don't wanna get outside for y'�ll to realize you forgot something.

- Okay? Come on. Let's go. - [Beeping]

- I forgot my lunch! - I forgot my book!

- I wanna go with Vanessa! - Come on, Jordan, Nessa. We gotta go! Come on!

- Come on, man! - [Beeping Continues]

Come on, come on. Let's go. Come on, baby girl.

Good. Hold on.

[Alarm Blaring]

[Beeping]

[Alarm Stops]

?? [Whistling]

[Door Opening]

- [Alarm Blaring] - God!

- Hey, Bernie. How's it goin'? - Good, Carl. How you doin'?

- How are the kids coming along? - Good, Carl.

- Bernie. I rented your Kings of Comedy the other night. - Oh, no kidding.

- You were really funny. - Thank you.

A little filthy for my taste, but that's what they're doing now, right?

- It's not for everybody, Carl. - Oh, listen. Hey.

- [Alarm Continues] - I gotta ask you.

- You know, "Seedric..." "Seedric" the Entertainer? - His name's Cedric.

Calls himself an entertainer. You're all entertainers. I don't know why he does that.

- Yeah. See you, Carl. - Oh, wait. What's that phrase you use?

- "Who's with you now?" - It's, "Who you with?"

- Who you with? - Yeah, yeah.

You're sure? Not who... Well, that's probably funnier.

- I gotta go, Carl. - Okay. Hey, Bernie!

- Your alarm's gone off. - I hear it. Don't you hear it?

Yeah, you better get in there. May be a criminal in there.

- No, I hope not. - If there is, apprehend him.

You need help, don't come here.

Okay, Carl.

- "Who's with you?" - [Alarm Continues]

No, no. "W ho you with?"

[Warning Bell Dinging]

[Alarm Blaring]

[Alarm Continues]

[Beeping]

[Alarm Continues]

[Alarm Stops]

- Hold it right there. - No, no, no, sir. I live here.

Be that as it may, uh, your alarm was activated.

- We need your password. - Oh, my password.

Uh...

Come on, Lord! Oh.

It's a black movie. Uh... Cooley High.

Car Wash.

Cotton Comes to Harlem. Lilies of the Field.

Is this your daddy?

- He's our uncle. He stays here. - What?

I stay here? No, you stay here!

I live here. This is my house!

All right. Have a nice night and, uh, learn your password.

Thank you, Officer.

What is it?

- Mandingo? - It's Claudine.

When the man asked, you should've said something! Go in now! Go on!

- [Giggling] - Hee-hee-hee nothin'!

What was that?

Did y'�ll hear somethin'?

Nah. That's all right.

This spot is secure.

Seriously, man. Did y'�ll hear somethin'?

That ain't funny.

I paid a lot of doggone money for this system.

I'm supposed to feel secure.

It's startin' again. There it go again, doggone it.

Oh, Lord!

[W.B.] Yo, man, it's getting ugly out there.

Last week, a lady got jacked at the gas station.

- Yeah? - You know, in broad daylight.

And dig... they let her fill up the car first, then they took it.

- Scandalous. - Now that's lowdown, man.

It's not safe out there anymore. I haven't been to an A.T.M. In years.

- Well, you ain't got no money either. - That's cold.

No, I'm serious. I won't even let my daughter go to the mall alone, man.

Packs of kids running around, hangin' out, you know, picking fights.

"Where you from, fool?" Know what I'm saying?

It's dangerous, man. One ofher girlfriends almost got pulled into someone's car.

- What? - Now my family only goes to the mall together, man.

I mean, in a bus, but...

In a bus... In a bus... But y'�ll, like, together?

Yo, he's not kidding, man. It's serious, man.

It's not just about protecting your house, man.

The question is, how you gonna protect yourself, brother?

You just tryin' to make me paranoid, ain't you?

[Bernie] You all think we're tight now.

We're gonna be even tighter as a family...

because as of right now, we're all gonna do everything together.

Baby girl, if you gotta go to ballet practice?

We're all goin' with her, together.

Jordan, if you need wheezin' medicine...

we're all goin' to get it with him, together.

Nessa, if you wanna go to the movie with your friend...

we're all gonna go... together.

Now, I know it might sound a little extreme, but that's all right.

The last thing I want, kids, is somebody to end up killing you...

before I get a chance to.

What if I have to go to the bathroom?

We're all gonna go with you, together...

and we'll all just close our eyes, together.

- Uncle Bernie, that's really gross. - You keep your lips... together.

- [Sighs] I hate him. - Hatin' is fine...

as long as we're hatin'... together.

- So, you wanna work on our vaults? - Aren't you tired?

Yeah, but I don't wanna go home. My uncle's driving me crazy.

- Why don't we go to the mall? - Great.

Hey, baby. Hi, Shannon.

- What y'�ll getting ready to do? - We're going to the mall.

Hey, kids, we're gettin' ready to go to the mall.

Shannon invited me.

Come on now, Nessa. You know the rules. We do everything together.

You mean that stupid rule that you made up just because you're scared?

All right then, Nessa. You tryin' to bust me out in front of your friend.

I'm gonna show you how scared I am.

From now on, you're grounded.

You know what that mean, Nessa? That mean you stay in the house.

So you wanna see your friend, your friend gotta come over and see you.

I'm gonna tell you something else, Nessa.

Since I'm so scared, we're all punished together. That's right.

And you know what else? You gotta thank your sister for that.

So why don't we thank her together? Say, "Thank you, Nessa."

[Both] Thank you, Nessa.

That's how scared I am.

[Angry Grunt] Come on!

[Bryana Crying]

[Gasps] Oh, my God, Bryana! What happened?

- [Door Slams Shut] - Aunt Wanda?

- You gotta help us. - What is going on? Bryana, are you hurt?

No, I was just pretending.

Look, Uncle Bernie is ruining our lives.

He punished us all, and we can't even leave the house.

The only way we can see our friends is if they come over here.

Here!

Your Uncle Bernie was a little shaken up by the break-in.

He just needs some time to deal with it.

What's the big deal? They used to break into our house every week in Chicago.

One time it was my mommy's friend, what she said was our uncle.

Well...

Can't you get a divorce?

If you leave him now, you can get half... car, maybe even the house.

You know, kids, he really does care about you.

And this won't last for long...

but in the meantime, if he says have friends over, have friends over.

Okay.

[Knocking]

- What's up, you squares? How you doin'? - ?? [Funk]

Vanessa!

[Excited Yelling]

[Loud Clattering]

[Yelling]

?? [Continues]

- Aah! Get outta there! - [Yells]

[Growls]

[Loud Chattering]

?? [Continues]

[Giggling]

[Beeping]

[Shouting]

Hey! Hey.

Get the hell out of here.

Get the hell out of my house! Everybody, out, out!

Right here, right here. No. No. Stay here.

Out!

?? [Ends]

Man, why don't you just lock us in our room until we're 21?

- Yeah! - That's the best thing I heard all doggone day.

I haven't seen daylight in two days!

You wanna see some sun, Nessa? Go in the kitchen and look up at the skylight.

You didn't know we had a skylight! You know why?

- 'Cause you ain't never had your butt at home! - I wanna dig for bugs!

You know what? I try to look out for you kids! Y'�ll don't appreciate nothin'!

- What? That's a lie! - [All Yelling]

[TV.' Woman Talking, Indistinct]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

[Man On TV] Two more people are being led out of the house right now.

- We believe the situation has been stabilized... - Come here, baby.

Although it's still unclear whether the gas has been shut off.

Wait a minute. I'm... right.

Can you tell me his condition?

It is stable? Well, this is a miracle.

It looks tonight, everyone, as if no one has been seriously hurt.

To recap, for those of you whojust tuned in...

it appears that a gas pipe has burst at this home in Pomona.

We do believe at this time that everyone has gotten out safely.

Wait a minute. L...

I'm just getting word that there is one more person inside of that house.

They're... They're bringing them out now.

Right. It... It appears to be a little girl.

- What... What's that? - Oh.

She's not moving?

L-I don't think the little girl has made it.

It does look as if the little girl has died...

from this gas leak tonight.

This is an unexpected turn of events...

triumph turning into tragedy...

before our very eyes.

The ambulance now leaving the scene.

There's not much more I can say.

Reporting live from Pomona, I'm John Charles.

[Bernie] You know something, America?

You try to protect your family the best you can, but in the end...

there's not really much you can do...

'cause, see, gas pipes burst, people rob houses...

planes fly into buildings.

So what you gonna do? You gonna live in fear?

You got to live your life.

Have fun, be yourself, make mistakes.

See, Bernie Mac may have overreacted...

but one thing he did get right... it's important to be together.

See, I told you once before, America... we're family.

You and l... we are family.

Always and forever.

Y'�ll take care.

- I'll see you later. - Oh, hey, hey, hey!

- I gotta ask you a personal question. - What's that, Carl?

I need a cap here. Where do you get your caps? Who's your dentist?

It's Dr. Beiter. They're not caps, Carl. These are my real teeth.

If those are not caps, if those are real...

that's the best teeth in the history of the world.

Thank you, Carl.

You and Julie Andrews... number one, two in the world of smiling.

- Thank you, Carl. - You're number one.

"W ho's with you?" No, no. "W ho you with?"