Original subtitles

I really thought we had something special, Antonio.

But I can'’t work with somebody I don'’t trust.

And I certainly can'’t date...

somebody I don'’t trust.

No, no, shh, shh, shh shh, shh, shh, shh.

I don'’t want to hear it.

The whole cargo is fucking shark food!

Thanks to you. You'’ve left me with no choice.

Don'’t worry.

I'’ll still be able to come and watch you dance.

You didn'’t really think I was going to shoot you,

did you?

Antonio!

You... you know that'’s not my style.

Meet another ex-employee, and, um,

whoops, ex-boyfriend, sorry.

This is Kenneth.

Kenneth...

say hi to Antonio.

I'’ll leave you two to get acquainted then.

It might get a little awkward.

The Prime Minister today declared

that the threat level was significantly reduced...

The situation was under complete control...

All I know is that before they came over,

everything was fine...

A spokesman for the Independence Party...

the spread of the virus on Eastern European Immigrant...

Have you or any member of your family

ever been bitten by a zombie?

Thought to be a mutated strain of Ebola,

a spokesman today dismissed concerns

that what many are calling the zombie virus...

Chemical weapon released by Islamic State...

The invasion of a planet...

I think it'’s the government...

Today the mayor defended

the Met Police'’s shoot-to-kill policy...

Employed by the government to contr...

It'’s got to be aliens...

Due to screening for infections...

Big shout-out goes to Ibiza this weekend.

Official reports say... island is clear of infection,

but I'’ve seen a few zombies there, you know?

Especially at six in the morning.

The home office has claimed

that security at airports will remain tight

with enhanced bioscanning

and an increase in armed security personal.

I don'’t trust those guys not to shoot the wrong person.

Yeah, I reckon they probably shot more drunk people

-than actually zombies. -I don'’t even think there are any zombies.

I'’ve never seen one, anyway.

Yeah, but you know Dave Stunts from down Essex?

-Yeah. -He reckons his cousin got bit by one the other month.

Bollocks.

Who you texting, anyway?

-Who you texting? -No one. No one.

You better not be texting Ellie.

If I find out you'’re texting

that frigid monster, there'’ll be problems.

You'’ll have to get your proctologist to text after that.

-What about that? -Proctologist means ass doctor.

Come on, we got a plane to catch.

-Wait, what about Az? -What aboutAz?

Well, he'’s coming with us, remember?

Yeah, sometimes I wish we could

just forget about Az all together.

Sorry.

I didn'’t touch ya.

Guys! Hey, guys.

Guys, I...

Sorry I'’m late, been at the chemist.

Have you... you read these?

It'’s all information on how to stay safe abroad from infection.

No, you don'’t need these stupid leaflets.

I know everything there is to know about zombies.

Stick with me and you'’ll be fine, let'’s go.

Excuse me, sir, can you try again?

-Try again? Okay. -Yes, please.

Well, I sure am happy to be going on holiday

with you two happy fuckers, Jesus Christ.

It'’s like a morgue in here.

The Zombie App says the island'’s still clear of infection.

But is it full of hot bitches? That'’s all I need to know.

Jim, I'’m not sure if there'’s an app for that.

No, there is, it'’s called... it'’s called Liz'’s Facebook page.

Your sister really doesn'’t understand

her privacy settings, does she mate?

Hold on second, isn'’t that...

God, she'’s coming over. Hide or something.

-Hi, Ellie. -Hi, Alex.

What are you doing?

Well, this is awkward, isn'’t it?

And weird, I mean, here we are off to Ibiza

to bone so many sluts our dicks

will probably fall off, and yet you'’re here, too.

Have you come to wave us off or something?

It'’s okay, James. I won'’t cramp your style.

Or yours, Alex. Don'’t worry.

I won'’t stand in the way of you and your sluts.

Well, of course you won'’t because, as I said,

we'’re going to Ibiza, and, I don'’t know,

you'’re probably going somewhere boring to do something

like build a school in Somalia.

You haven'’t told them, have you?

Sorry, told us what?

Yeah, what haven'’t you told us?

I leave you to explain.

Just try not to sit too near me on the plane, yeah?

This is the final call for Ibiza...

Look... I can explain.

It... it was like this.

So you ladies from England?

You have the plaga de los muertos,

-That right? -The what?

He means the plague of the dead.

I sure do, my friend.

You English, with your drinking

and your fucking with no condoms.

It'’s a miracle you aren'’t all zombies already.

We'’re fine, thanks.

They do checks at the airport these days.

Some islanders wanted to stop all flights,

all visitors, keep this place pure.

But anyone who tells you this island is pure

is a God damn lying motherfucker.

Still, Torval is okay.

He has this.

Yeah.

Nice. Sawn-off. I'’m nice with a shotty, too.

Done some of my best work with her.

He means Call of Duty.

Yeah, well, I'’m gonna be emptying

my own shotgun all weekend.

- I need my cock, obviously. - Yeah!

How much further is it?

Nearly there.

It'’s right up in the hills. Nice location.

No one to hear your sexy screaming.

Yeah, well, you'’ll be able to hear the bitches

that I bring back from the next fucking village.

You wanna buy some drugs?

Hashish?

Cocaine?

MDMA?

No, thank you. We'’re not really into that.

Nice one bringing her along, mate.

She'’s already being the bloody party police.

That'’s cool.

Drugs are bad for you.

Make your dick shrink.

Yeah, well, I mean, don'’t mind her, mate.

She'’s not the boss of me. I'’ll take one.

And, my dick'’s massive.

It'’s like a snake that'’s eaten a Swiss roll or something.

Get out my van.

All of you.

You have arrived.

Thank God.

Bitches, the party has arrived.

Who the fuck is that?

What the fuck?

Only been here two minutes,

and I already got a couple of bitches wet.

Hi, sis.

Hi, bro.

Look, can you tell your mate to get out of the fucking pool?

He looks so... unhygienic.

You know what your problem is, Antonio?

You need to relax.

Take a chill pill.

Open wide for daddy.

One... two... three.

There'’s a good boy.

Don'’t they teach you to knock on doors

wherever the fuck it is you come from?

He'’s dead? Antonio!

Him? Used to be.

Now he'’s just another attraction.

You said no more.

No more stuff, no more dancers.

I... I know what I said.

You see, Antonio here was supposed to be in charge

of my supply chain,

bringing in 200 fresh zombies from England,

but he made a little error in judgment

and dumped the whole fucking lot in the sea.

But you can'’t keep doing this, Karl!

People will find out.

Really?

And how, exactly?

Are you going to tell on me?

Just remember, there'’s always room

for more employees in my collection.

Now...

why don'’t you...

get out there

and shake that cute little ass of yours

and fill my club with punters?

Do you get me?

And none of your usual attitude.

Yes... boss.

can zombies swim?

What are you doing?

Standing there just lurking.

Hi, Ellie, um, well, I was just wondering if...

well, if you wanted to come out

to the town with me and the boys tonight.

And why would I want to do that?

I think I'’ll just stay here and wait for James

to tag the pictures on Facebook.

It'’s not gonna be like that. And... we wereon a break.

Look, Alex, I don'’t care what you do.

You said I was boring.

Then the next thing I know, a picture of you

and some random pops up online.

How do you think that made me feel, Alex?

I'’m not going through that again.

Well, it... it was Big Jim who said you were boring...

And it was Jim who took the photo, I know that,

but it wasn'’t Jim with his tongue

down some girl'’s throat, was it?

Well, obviously. Like that would ever happen.

Well, I thought that maybe that you came to Ibiza

t-to maybe, you know, get back together.

I came because you were too tight

to change the name on the ticket.

Look, you can go and be exciting with your stupid mates,

but I'’m staying here and being boring.

Jim, you said there'’d be wireless here.

What are you on the Internet for?

You can see lovely tits if you just look outside.

I just wanna know what'’s going on back home.

What if there'’s been another attack?

For all we know, England could be

completely overrun by the plague.

Mate, we'’ve been away for like three hours.

- Besides, you wanna hope it doeskick off. - Why?

"" because then we'’d be stuck here on,

like, the ultimate party island with those dirty bitches

tasked with restarting the human race.

They'’d be obligated to shag us which, for a guy like you,

is pretty much the only chance you'’ve ever got

of seeing any action with your little raisin dick.

Don'’t wanna know.

He'’s having imaginary sex

with one of the girls outside.

-It'’s probably your sister. -I said I don'’t wanna know.

-It isyour sister, mate. -At least it'’s not Ellie.

It'’s not gonna be her, is it?

Do you know what, mate, I don'’t think we'’ve given you

nearly enough shit for inviting your ex-girlfriend

on our lads holiday.

She wasn'’t my ex when I invited her.

Even worse! You'’re just lucky me and Az

are even talking to you after pulling a stunt like that.

Did you temporarily lose your mind or something?

Well, I... I thought it might be a good idea

to combine a lads holiday with... with a romantic holiday.

Are you fucking nuts?

Have you literally gone full retard?

Can you even understand the words that come out

of your mouth when you say them? You'’re ridiculous.

It'’s not like you two know what it'’s like to have a girlfriend.

That'’s because I'’m a player, Alex,

and I don'’t like to get tied down

to just one bitch, you know that.

-Yeah, me too. -What?

-What are you doing, anyway? -Exercising, obviously.

It'’s always good to get pumping

before you got out to get some bitch to pump.

You always look bigger as well

when you'’re just fresh from working out.

-Sure you wanna look any bigger, Jim? -Fuck off, mate.

This is all muscle. Az, get on.

All right.

Fucking idiots.

You only need one of the big ones anyway.

Any more than that and it'’s actually counterproductive

and you'’re gonna lose muscle density.

Whatever man. Look, boys.

I say we get out of here as quick as possible,

go to some bars, hit some clubs,

and just get absolutely fucking wankered.

Fuckin'’ A, first decent thing you'’ve said since we got here.

Az, hurry up, man.

Lads?

Hi, girls, so, me and Alex here

were just off to the local nightclubs

to harvest them for all the pussy

they can yield, so don'’t wait up, ladies.

James, I don'’t give a rat'’s ass what you do,

I just want Alex back in one piece, all right?

So that means no drugs, and if by some insane miracle

that you happen to pull a bird, just be careful,

-if you know what I mean. -No, it'’s not gonna...

I got this, mate, I got this.

You... you don'’t need to worry your pretty little head

about that, Liz, because I actually happen to have

knob protection in every flavor of the rainbow.

So you needn'’t worry,

I got your five a day right here, you know?

I'’d actually rather rub sand up my vagina.

Interesting you should say that, Zara, because so would I.

So would I. Anyway, we'’re off.

See you later, bitches. Let'’s roll.

Az, you ready?

We'’re gonna go without you if you'’re not careful.

Get a move on and you better not be wanking again,

you disgusting little man!

Thanks for letting me stay in with you tonight.

It'’s really good to get out here and relax.

Sweetheart, I'’ve been relaxing all day.

We'’re going out and partying very hard tonight.

I thought you said we were having a girlie night in?

No, I just said that to Alex and his dickhead mates

so they didn'’t tag along.

No, tonight we'’re gonna go out, and we'’re gonna get

- absolutely shit faced. - Yeah.

Yep.

What?

I'’m... I'’m not used to this sun, all right?

Az...

it'’s nearly dark, and we'’re inside.

So? I'’d rather be safe than sorry.

You look like you'’re in one of them bukkake videos, mate.

You literally look like 12 German blokes

split the cost of a room in a youth hostel

just to jizz all over your disgusting little body.

It'’s filthy. And you smell like piña colada.

It smells better than this tastes, though.

Tastes like piss. Diseased piss.

You'’d know what diseased piss tastes like.

I expect you'’ve sucked off enough diseased penises

to last you a lifetime, Alex.

This is a little invention of mine

I got the barman to mix up... I call it the Big Jim, baby!

Inventive Jim.

So it isyour piss, then?

Yeah, yeah, there'’s a bit of my spunk in there as well.

Anyway, you need to drink up boys.

We need to be nice and toasted

for when we get into them super clubs.

Jim, have you seen the price of these clubs?

It'’s like 60 Euros just to get in.

You'’re the tightest man I'’ve ever met.

You'’re tighter than your ex'’s vagina

and there'’s nothing that'’s ever been up that.

- I'’m not tight, okay? - Hi.

She is... but... I don'’t...

-will you stop talking about Ellie, all right? -Hi!

You'’re the one who'’s always going on about her... hello.

Looking for somewhere to party tonight?

Can you recommend anywhere at all?

Yeah, I can.

I'’m the fucking promo girl!

Or do you think I choose to wear this fucking T-shirt?!

Don'’t need to be so rude.

I think I'’m in love.

I think you'’re in dream world.

I think we found tonight'’s destination.

I just... I just wish it was vampires.

Vampires?

You'’re so fucking random, Zara.

Vampires are just, you know, sexier.

If it was vampires, I'’d be out there right now

with some pale Twilight dude

sticking his fangs right into me.

Instead... zombies.

They'’re fucking disgusting.

Yeah.

Iwouldn'’t wanna be one,

and I sure as hell wouldn'’t want to fuck one.

Well, at least you do have somestandards.

Babe, you know I'’m not some sort of mega slut.

Hola.

-Hola. -Ooh, la, la.

So, um, Ellie.

First night in Ibiza.

- Anything tickle your fancy? - No, I don'’t...

Nonsense.

You do with some hot lovin'’ to get you over, you know...

what'’s-his-name, Liz'’s brother.

No, really, I'’m fine.

Bollocks on you. Wait here.

Where... where is she going?

I really don'’t know.

She'’s a force of nature, that one.

If her pussy had a password, it'’d be "password."

Thanks for letting me hang out with you girls.

No worries, no worries.

Look, I don'’t have a clue what happened with you

and my dickhead little brother, and to be honest,

I don'’t care as long as we have a good time, Yeah?

-Yeah. -Good.

Ladies?

the party has officially begun.

-30 seconds? -That definitely beats

- your personal best, Zara. - Babe!

Um, Liz, Ellie darling?

Meet... thingie and thingie.

Hey, hi, I'’m Rupert. This is my good friend Todd.

You'’ll have to excuse him, he'’s American.

Yeah, bro, I'’m having the best night of my fucking life.

-Yeah. -Get krunked up, baby!

Yeah.

I don'’t suppose you girls fancy moving on, do you?

I know this cracking spot to watch the sunset.

Really?

You boys know how to read?

No fucking photos.

Hello.

I'’m, Karl.

Owner of the establishment.

So is this... is she... is that a real zombie?

She'’s real all right.

Worked for me for years.

Only now I don'’t have to pay her.

But I thought that the island was clear from infection?

Well, you shouldn'’t believe everything you read, cupcake.

On this island, for the right price,

everything'’s available.

So what happens if you feed '’em alcohol, then?

No, no, no. No.

No, we tend to pump our dancers full of MDMA.

Keeps them chilled.

Means they'’re less likely to bite.

Booze on the other hand... bad vibes.

Gunter, why don'’t we show these boys

how we motivate our dancers?

Yes, boss. My pleasure.

It'’s all in the timing. Look.

Yes, quite.

Well, who'’s for a... a proper drink?

You? Yes.

Piña coladas, maybe?

Pretty romantic?

Um... yeah, I suppose so.

Champagne, a beautiful sunset,

and an even more beautiful girl.

What more can a guy ask for...

-you okay? -Yeah.

I'’m fine.

I'’m just not used to all of this.

But it'’s something you could get used to, right?

Yeah, maybe.

Fast going, Ellie.

Listen, keep your knickers on.

we'’re going to the pool party back our the house.

Woo-hoo! Pool party!

Are you all right, mate?

Yeah.

But it... it'’s too loud.

You know, I'’m gonna go ask the DJ

if he'’ll play a bit of Morrissey.

You know, with some real... what'’s it named?

Lyrics!

It'’s that Karl bloke, mate.

He'’s be giving him free drinks all night.

You don'’t reckon he spiked '’em, do ya?

Or put a date rape in his drink?

Do you reckon he'’s put a date rape in all our drinks?

Probably, that'’s why I'’ve been giving all my drinks

-to that zombie over there. -Are you fucking mad?

Did you not hear what the owner said?

I don'’t give a shit. I wanna see what happens.

Anyway, never mind that undead slut.

You see who'’s over there? It'’s that bird from earlier.

She'’s definitely getting down downstairs

thinking a meet with Big Jim, do you know what I'’m saying?

Jim, it'’s her job to flirt with guys

to get '’em into the club,

and she didn'’t even bother with us.

Do you know what?

I'’m gonna be the bigger man here, yeah?

You'’re the one who'’s pining for his ex.

So why don'’t you go over there and give it a go?

Well, that'’s really generous of you.

Speaking of your ex, she was looking pretty smoking

in that bikini of hers today.

Don'’t talk about Ellie like that, all right?

It'’s bad enough you perv on my sister.

Look, mate, if me and your sister doend up gettin'’ it on,

which is entirely possible given the way

she'’s been looking at me, that'’s nature taking its course.

You can'’t hate on a player for that.

In the meantime, you need to get yourself

back on the minge horse, get balls deep in some sluts.

Starting with that one over there.

I don'’t want sluts!

Sorry.

I just want Ellie.

I want sluts.

What, you?

You and her?

Yeah, why not?

Go on mate, be my guest. This'’ll be hilarious.

Bastard!

Great stuff.

Now, Maria, don'’t insult the customers.

You know what, Karl?

You can stick your shitty job into your ass!

You are not turning me into one of your fucking zombies.

Crazy woman.

I have absolutely no idea what she'’s talking about.

Let'’s get you another drink.

You okay, hon?

Yeah. Just a bit pissed, you know?

I think I might go to bed.

No way, babe, the night is young.

Plus, I swear that smoldering guy had his eyes on you.

Nah. Not interested in me.

Not with you girls around.

It'’s okay, hon. Go hit the sack if you want.

Not everyone'’s made for partying all night.

Fuck, yeah! That'’s what I'’m taking about.

I took a couple of these bitches back at the beach.

Let me tell you, they are fucking singing to me.

Let'’s turn it up, baby!

Fuck yeah!

Last one in the pool'’s a loser!

Whoo! Fuck, yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

-Pool party Ibiza! -Whoo!

- It'’s that guy. - Yeah, off the telly.

Hey, everybody having a good time?

Yeah, I was until you turned up, you twat.

Thank you. So, ladies and gentlemen!

On this night of nights,

I bring to you a spectacle the likes of which

you'’ve never seen!

Well, not me, I'’ve seen pretty much everything.

A show that will challenge your minds,

your souls, your very principles!

Again, I haven'’t got any principles,

so it doesn'’t count for me.

And brace yourselves.

Let the entertainment begin!

I would love to cut someone'’s arm off like that.

This is the second-greatest thing I'’ve ever seen in my life.

As if you'’ve seen anything better than this.

I saw a little bit of your sister'’s nipple

- in the swimming pool -I'’m gonna be sick.

Absolute twat.

-Is this the way out?! -How am I supposed to know?

Shit!

She'’s too slippery, mate!

-Just leave her, she'’s dead. -Let'’s not take any chances.

because if she wakes up again and bites then...

just check.

She'’s definitely dead.

-She'’s dead, just leave her. -No, she is dead, mate.

I'’ve got a bit of a semi.

Fine, absolutely fine, let'’s go, let'’s just go.

That was nuts!

Can you just stop enjoying yourself?

We just saw people get killed.

No, Alex, we just saw people get killed by zombies.

That'’s different. That'’s cooler.

No, it'’s fine, man.

They can'’t... look, it'’s a push door.

Please don'’t... please don'’t bite me.

Tell you what, you'’re just perfect ho for that.

And I'’ll kiss your friend as well.

Yeah, not the... fuck off the guys, just the...

I'’m calling Ellie, see if she'’s okay.

What are you calling her for, man?

At this time of night, she'’ll just be tucked up in bed,

lightly touching herself to a Jane Austen novel.

Yeah.

Ellie, Ellie. Leave it, okay?

You need to relax. Okay, just relax.

She'’s not answering. I'’ll call Liz.

Duh, she'’s not gonna answer either.

Why not?

Because she'’ll be lezzing off

with Zara, of course, real life, not like a porno.

Babe, he'’s not even looking.

-Losing your touch. -Shut up.

This is unbelievable, Miss Goody Two Shoes there

is like getting some action

whilst I'’m here lezzing it off with you.

No offense, of course.

Shut up, Zara. You wish you could have me.

Right, if I'’m not gonna get any action,

I'’m gonna go to bed.

You gonna come into bed?

No, I think I might go for a swim,

wait for Alex to get home.

If he finds out Ellie'’s with that bloke,

he'’s gonna go mental.

Look, no offense to your brother, babe,

but she deserves to have some fun.

Yeah, I know.

I know my brother'’s a little dickhead,

but I can'’t have him getting any more pathetic

than what he already is.

Right. I'’m gonna take this.

-Good night, babe. -Good night.

My God, this one'’s gonna have

a headache tomorrow.

So you'’re calling Az, then?

-No. -No? Well, what you doin'’?

Well, I'’ll call him then, shall I?

For goodness sakes. He should be home by now.

Come on, Az.

Something'’s wrong. None of them are answering.

Right, we'’ve got to get back to the villa now.

Come on!

Alex, man, come on!

Granted there are zombies, damn it,

but the villa'’s miles away!

There'’s literally no chance

there'’ll be zombies up there as well.

It does not stink of rotten fish.

It'’s actually a bloody nice kebab

made by a really nice bloody kebab maker.

You'’re out of your mind.

Shit.

Fuck.

Fucking come.

Zombies in the nightclub.

Now zombies here. What are the chances of that?

-It'’s madness. -I told ya.

Maybe we could just go back that bar,

get a few beers, check out the birds.

No way! Ellie'’s in there.

Yeah, maybe we could just go back to that bar,

get a few beers, check out the birds?

My sister'’s in there, too.

Did you just look at your penis thinking about my sister?

-No. -You... you did.

I didn'’t. Definitely didn'’t. I didn'’t

We should... we can get around the back.

-Yeah, fine. -Come on.

Stop smiling, you fucking son of bitch.

Can'’t believe you made me hold this bloody kebab!

Yo, give it to me. Just give me the kebab, Alex!

-I'’m gonna, I'’m gonna swing. -Just give me the kebab

-and I will let you down. -How are we gonna do this?

-You'’re just gonna hand it to... -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, okay, okay, I'’m gonna give to you,

-I'’m gonna give it to you. -Hand me the kebab.

-See, how easy was that? -You almost just bloody killed me.

Just given me the kebab in the first place...

That doner'’s gonna be the killer of us, man!

Shit! Hands off my bloody doner!

Alex, do something!

Just throw the kebab. Kebab might distract him.

No, Alex, you throw yourkebab at him.

-Well, I haven'’t got a kebab. -Well, then use something else.

-What? -Use that!

Dude.

That is disgusting.

It'’s almost enough to put me off my...

Come on, let'’s go.

-Yeah. -Yeah?

Alex?

Yeah?

Did that zombie just say "dude"?

No.

No, I mean, that was a...

that was a zombie growl, wasn'’t it?

Yeah. Yeah.

That... that was a zombie growl, wasn'’t it?

-Yeah. -That was, yeah?

Yeah, definitely, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Zombie, definite zombie.

Jesus. Thank God you'’re all right.

Yeah, we'’re fine.

But there are shit load of zombies out there.

Whoa, did you mash up a zombie, too, Liz?

-Is Ellie okay? -Yeah, she'’s fine.

-Well, where is she? -She'’s inside.

No, but I... I wouldn'’t... I wouldn'’t...

- What, no hug for me? - Fuck off.

-Do you wanna share this? -Fuck off.

Fuck it, I have some interracial stuff on my laptop.

I'’ll just have a wank instead.

Ellie! Ellie...

Dude, what the fuck?

This is totes not cool, I just spent the last

long, arduous 20 minutes on foreplay.

What? You said you were a trained masseuse.

Alex, is that blood on your shoes?

What the hell is going on?

Well... there'’s loads of zombies outside.

A-and I'’ve had to kill some.

I come to warn you,

but I don'’t know why I bothered now.

Look, this is total bertie bollocks.

Okay, come on Ellie. We'’ve got business to finish.

It'’s your turn to give mea rubdown,

if you know what I mean,

and you, wanker, if you interrupt us again,

I will knock your bloody block off.

Alex, are you telling the truth?

-Yeah. -He is.

Zombies, thousands of them.

What... are you two... that'’s a bit awkward, isn'’t it?

Shut up, Jim.

Look, there'’s not thousands of '’em,

but there'’s at least 30 surrounding the house.

God.

Look, Ellie, if you'’re not gonna nosh me off,

then I'’m getting out of here, all right?

It'’s been fun guys,

but this is Rupes saying sayonara.

I'’m gonna call a cab.

Like you'’re gonna have any luck with that, mate.

There'’s a zombie apocalypse outside.

You'’re not gonna have any signal.

Three bars, actually.

Yeah, so do I. That'’s weird.

Anyway, catch you around, sugar tits.

By the way, has anybody seen Todd?

Who'’s Todd?

Ciao, losers.

Look, never mind Todd. Have you seen Az?

-He'’s nowhere to be found. -Wasn'’t he with you?

You'’ve not lost him, have you?

No. He said he was coming back here.

Well, is one of you gonna call him?

Jim can. I... I haven'’t got any signal.

You'’re not gonna have any signals on airplane mode.

Are you, Alex? Such a tight bastard.

Thank you.

Voicemail, he could be anywhere.

God. His mom'’s gonna bloody kill us.

Does it hurt?

Of course it bloody well hurts. Look at it.

Some madman just ate my phone and took a piece of me with it.

Well, just chill, yeah?

And pleasetry not to get blood on the sofa.

My deposit'’s already fucked.

-Is that supposed to be some sort of joke? -Have you seen the pool?

Look at him. He has to go. He'’s gonna turn.

No way, piss off, I'’m not leaving anywhere

unless it'’s in an ambulance.

You, Kenan and Kel with three bars, you call one.

Right, that is both offensive and probably also racist, right?

But given the situation we find ourselves in...

They'’re not even answering, anyway.

Did me and Alex not explain that we came from a nightclub

that turned into a zombie bloodbath earlier?

- They'’re probably busy. -If we'’re not gonna turf him out,

well... we'’re just gonna have to kill '’em ourselves.

Alex, we'’re not killing anyone.

-He'’s infected. -Look, you prick.

Okay, I'’m sorry that your girlfriend fancies me.

This is all getting a bit too dramatic for my liking.

Ex-girlfriend. And I don'’t fancy you.

- Come on. - Um, guys?

I don'’t mean to alarm you, but there'’s a bunch of ugly

motherfucking zombies outside the villa.

Yeah, cheers, anyone got anything constructive to say?

-We need to kill him. -Alex, we'’re not killing anybody.

W-wait, why are we even discussing killing someone?

He'’s been bitten by a zombie.

Well, have you considered,

maybe amputating his hand?

What? I need my bloody hand.

Wait, that... that could work.

If we get to the infection before it hits his brain.

G-girls.

Come on, you'’re not gonna let him do this.

You can'’t chop my fucking hand off.

Look, man, I'’ve had enough of this, yeah?

You'’re doing my head in.

Five minutes ago, it was your bloody hand.

Any more of your little procrastination,

I'’m gonna have to take more of your physique off.

Probably be your whole arm next.

And any more delay, it'’s gonna be your head.

I don'’t say this very often,

but I think these dickheads might be right.

Rupert, it'’s your choice, all right?

We try amputating your hand, or you leave now

and take your chances with the zombies.

We can'’t risk you turning.

Ellie...

Okay. Okay.

Um...

just need to do something first.

That'’s ketamine.

Five minutes time, I won'’t be able to feel my arm.

I'’ll take that.

Alex, go and find a knife or something.

Yes.

I actually think it might be better if we just got a gun,

Like a shotgun and just took the whole thing clean off.

Jim, if you can'’t say anything fucking useful,

then just stay out of it.

Can'’t say anything useful,

How about...

ordering a bloody rescue, getting us out of here?

Yo.

Hello, mate, hi, how you doing? It'’s, it'’s Jim.

The guy that you picked up with the other two guys

and the girl in the van to take the villa earlier.

Yeah, um, I was just wondering if maybe, I don'’t know,

you wanted to come up here and sort of maybe rescue us?

No, man.

I ain'’t going nowhere.

Have you not looked outside?

That'’s some end-of-days shit, right there.

Yeah, that'’s kind of what I'’m calling you about, actually.

We'’ve... we'’ve sort of got a few zombies

up here as well and stuff, and I wondered if maybe

you wanted to come down here and rescue us

and bring your shotgun?

I mean, we'’ll pay you, obviously.

Has anyone got any money?

No, man.

Money'’s no good to me.

Not much you can buy in an apocalypse.

You get me?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, he'’s not... he'’s not having it.

Don'’t be long. Do not be long.

Hello?

Who is this?

There are three hot-ass bitches here.

Yeah? And we would really appreciate it

if you came and rescued us.

And how do I know you are not one of your English...

munters?

Munters?

Sir, look, I will send you a photo, okay?

I don'’t care about your face.

I just wanna see your titties.

Titties?

All three of you.

And then maybe...

I'’ll think it over.

Um...

great.

Start your engine, thanks.

-Okay, take a photo. -You sure about this, yeah?

-Yeah. -Do you want me... I should probably do this.

Fuck off, Jim. Go help Alex or something.

Are we just gonna do tits? What about some ass shots?

-We don'’t know what he likes. -I mean it.

Yeah, okay.

Are you sure this is a good idea, Zara?

This guy'’s a real creep.

Have you got a better idea?

Look, I'’m sorry for snapping, but desperate times,

and these arethe only things we can bargain with.

-Yep. Yeah, nice. -Yeah?

Okay, your turn.

Fucking hurry up, Zar.

Hold on, I'’m just trying to get the right Instagram filter.

Yep, got it.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Right, Ellie, pop them out.

What? You can leave me out of it.

This might be our only way out of here.

I'’m not texting some weirdo topless pictures.

You girls didn'’t see this guy earlier.

I really don'’t trust him.

He'’s not that bad, Ellie. For God'’s sake.

Trust you to make a big deal of it.

They'’re not even that big, anyway.

You didn'’t mind getting them out for this loser, did ya?

Look, Ellie, I-I'’m sorry.

Forget it, Alex!

You girls can sort yourselves out.

I want no part of this.

Well done, lads.

I see why you'’re such a fucking hit with the ladies.

Well this is great, isn'’t it?

Where are we gonna find a third pair of tits for him now?

you can all piss off.

Mama.

I feel fucking violated, man. Get off me.

Guys, I don'’t mean to interrupt a deep moment,

but his whole arm is turning black.

Jim... grab his arm, mate.

My pleasure, doctor.

Alex, are you sure you know what you'’re doing?

-Do you want me to do it? -No, no.

I'’ll do this.

I'’m gonna... I'’m gonna go pack.

I think I'’m gonna be sick.

Fuck. Fuck, shit.

Fuck.

Shit.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Shit, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Hello?

Jim?

Alex?

Stay there.

Where'’s my other arm?

What are you doing?

Maybe we should do this in the morning?

No, it'’s not breaking. Jim?

Jim, just fucking smash it.

Just fucking break it.

Fucking Ellie.

Go, go, break it.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

Hello?

Hello.

Shit! Watch the door!

Well, w-what about him?

I handle him. Look out for Karl.

Hi, Karl! We'’re down here.

Yeah, come on.

Well, aren'’t you a sight for sore eyes.

Just in time, too, I'’m about to fuck off the island

- before the cops turn up. - Leave him alone.

He came back for me, not for you.

Well, actually I was just looking for a way out.

I hardly think he'’s gonna be interested in... that.

So, what do you say, young Az?

How do you fancy sailing off into the sunset

on Uncle Karl'’s yacht?

Thanks for the offer.

And I really appreciate this.

And I'’m sure you'’re a... a lovely man and everything,

But, you know, with a and a?

Well, your loss.

If you'’re looking for the yacht keys,

they'’re in that drawer.

Be a sweetheart and throw them over, would you?

Thanks. Now...

Don'’t move, you fucking freak.

Sorry, what are you gonna do? Shoot me?

You? The worst promo girl in Ibiza?

Yeah.

Ooh!

You see what'’s happened there is...

I'’ve got the real gun.

Kind of similar, aren'’t they?

Easy to get confused.

Now...

You'’ll have to go through me first.

Don'’t worry.

I was planning to.

Do you mean in like a gay way?

Sorry, I'’m no good with innuendo.

Good night, sweetheart.

Thought you were supposed to be looking after Rupert?

Chill, bitch. Alex is looking after Rupert.

And Ellie'’s looking after Alex to make sure

Alex doesn'’t cut any more of Rupert'’s limbs off.

It'’s all fine. What are you up to, anyway?

Come here.

I mean, you know about all these...

things.

Do you think they remember who they were?

Remember who they used to be?

I don'’t know.

They seem so...

sad.

We'’re going to end up like that, aren'’t we?

You never know, it might be...

might be fun being a zombie.

Shut up, you twat.

You'’re supposed to be making me feel better

and saying it'’s all gonna be fine.

Sorry.

You really are a useless prick, aren'’t ya?

Yeah, and you'’re a bossy cow. With great tits, though.

Bossy? Do you think I'’m bossy?

I'’m only trying to look after everyone.

With great tits come great responsibility.

Fuck, can you be serious for just one minute?

Is there ever an end to your bullshit?

No, I mean it, I mean, we'’ve all got our roles.

I mean, you'’re the kick-ass bitch.

-I'’m the funny one... -Sorry...

the funny one?

You think you'’re the funny one?

No, you'’re about as funny as bowel cancer.

I thought the funny one was that...

what'’s his name, that little one?

I thought he was the funny one.

-What, Az? -Yeah.

No.

Suppose we probably should try and find him, though, you know?

Hang on.

If I'’m not the funny one, then what have I got left?

The fat one?

The one who'’s man boobs you laugh at?

I don'’t know, who knows?

You might actually be a nice person

underneath all that crap.

I just want to go home and just...

s-see my parents, you know?

Zombie apocalypse isn'’t all it'’s cracked up to be.

It'’s more...

more real, you know?

I know. We'’ll be home soon.

No.

No. I know how this is gonna end for me.

I'’m destined to be an all-you-can-eat buffet

for... for zombies.

It'’s ironic, really, considering that'’s the only thing

I'’ve ever been any good at in my whole stupid life.

I'’m too young to die, Liz.

Too many all-you-can-eat buffets yet to conquer.

Too many sluts to bang, you know?

You might actually have a bit of luck with the women

if you didn'’t call them sluts and bitches all the time, James.

Just a bit of little friendly advice for you there.

Nah, it doesn'’t matter what I call them.

They'’re not interested in me.

Destined to die alone a virgin on this stupid fucking island.

God, I can'’t believe I'’m about to...

if you tell anyone this, I will kill you.

I mean that, I'’ll fucking kill you.

You saw the zombie in the pool. You know I'’m capable.

Tell anyone what?

And I'’m doing this because I actually think

we'’re not gonna live to see another day on this island.

Jesus Christ, I can'’t believe I'’m gonna do this.

God, I must be fucking ill.

Do what?

Look you dickhead, do you wanna die a virgin or not?

No.

Alex, wake up.

What?

It'’s Rupert.

He'’s making noises.

Did that sound like a... you know, a human groan

Or a zombie one?

I don'’t know, you'’re the one who knows

what sound he makes when he groans.

Leave it. I'’m gonna check for a pulse.

Wait. Wait.

I'’ll do it.

Are you sure?

Well, yeah.

Well, if he does turn, it could get quite nasty,

and I'’ve already killed two zombies already,

so, well, it shouldn'’t be too hard.

This macho stuff does not suit you, Alex.

I can'’t... I can'’t really feel anything.

Ellie, Ellie!

-Alex! -Get the knife!

Get the knife! Get the knife!

Brains! Get him in the brains!

Brains! Not in the back of the head, through the eye!

-Really?! -Yes!

-I can'’t go through the eye! -Wherever!

-Through the ear! -Wherever!

Fuck off, Rupert, you prick!

Ellie... could you give us a hand?

Liz, Big Jim number two has reawoken.

Ready for deployment.

We should probably go again straightaway.

Liz. Liz, let'’s go.

Too hung over?

I think what you need is probably some breakfast.

I'’ll just take this opportunity to just...

That'’s a video.

That'’s lovely.

See that'’s what I like about you.

is a normally the big-titted bitches,

they don'’t have a good ass unless they'’ve had implants,

but you, you got both areas covered

which is why I like you a lot, good stuff.

So is there anything that I should get

while I'’m down at the fridge, for us to incorporate

into the next part of our sexual adventure?

I'’m talking things like whipped cream, strawberries?

I think I saw chocolate mousse down there, actually.

I'’ll surprise you.

Lovely day out there, isn'’t it?

Shame we'’re not gonna see any of it '’cause of all these zombies,

and obviously the fact that I'’ll be in here

hanging out the back of you.

Jesus, all right.

Fuckin'’ Liz in the bed...

Liz, yeah, suckin'’... suckin'’ me off

all damn night and all through to the morning!

Taking it doggy style!

When I give it to you doggy style,

I'’m begging for more, a dirty bit...

-the fuck have you been up to? -He turned.

I did tell you he would, didn'’t I, come on.

Why the fuck are you so cheerful?

You know Alex, just a post-sex with Liz glow.

You know how it is.

I'’m just gonna go in there and rustle up some breakfast,

-Sex makes you really hungry. -James, we really haven'’t got time for this now.

-We need to make a run for it. -What about the rescue I ordered?

Well, he'’s obviously not coming, is he?

Come on, we need to get Liz and Zara and get out of here.

Yeah, be my guest, go up and get Liz, but I warn you,

she'’s looking pretty shagged out about right now.

Can you just shut the fuck up about my sister?

Jim, you'’ve had those condoms in your pocket

since you were seven, and I'’m pretty sure

they'’re gonna stay there until the day you die.

Yeah, well, that would be fine Alex,

except I didn'’t bother using the condoms.

I barebacked her at her request, and you should have seen me.

It was like a prime silverback gorilla

going at a fucking lioness, yeah?

And not just any gorilla.

It was like King Kong fucking the sexy lioness

-out of Lion King. -Fucking dick.

Look guys, can you have this discussion somewhere else?

I really don'’t wanna stay here a second longer.

Yeah, yeah. Ellie'’s right.

We need to get out of here as quick as possible

and somehow find Az.

Well, I just wish we had some weapons, you know?

Just some real big sort of... some guns coming out.

Yeah? Real big guns?

- Yeah, just... - Yeah?

This ain'’t Playstation, Jim.

Taxi.

Taxi for the titties.

Where are your other lady friends?

you must be the taxi guy.

Guys, why have you not packed yet?

We need to get out of here.

First, Torval gets his sexy time.

Then we can all go for a little ride.

That'’s the deal.

And a deal is a deal.

Excuse me.

We'’ve all had...

a very traumatic night, yes?

Now, I have a banging headache,

and all we want to do is go home.

Whoa, just don'’t point that thing at me.

So where is she?

The one with the big... brown...

boobies.

I find her myself.

You lot, don'’t move.

You can'’t.

Because I have the keys to the van.

I could probably just hot-wire it anyway,

- if you want me to. - Shut up.

Anyways, I'’m not leaving my sister with him.

Liz!

Liz...

Liz?

Alex, no, don'’t go in there.

Since when was my sister a zombie?

Well, that'’s what we all want to know.

No James, don'’t, we need the keys to the van, remember?

She'’s my friend guys. I'’ll do it.

She won'’t hurt me.

Liz?

It'’s your friend, Zar. Remember?

Fuck.

Liz...

we had some good times, didn'’t we?

Ayia Napa.

Magaluf.

Even that time in Skegness.

Liz, I need you to move.

I need to get those keys.

Liz, I really don'’t want to do this.

Liz?

All right, guys, we need to get to that van.

Yeah, sorry, who died and put you in charge?

No, yeah, fair enough. I'’m sorry about that, mate.

I didn'’t think that through, that'’s...

As I was saying, I'’ve got the keys so I'’m driving.

- Yeah, shotgun? - What do you mean?

It doesn'’t matter who sits where.

No, you dumb bitch. Just give me the shotgun.

Here take it. I don'’t want it.

Jim, the moment you'’ve been waiting for.

You'’ve got the gun. Now fucking shoot '’em!

All right, now what you guys wanna think about here

is it'’s very important to keep the butt of the gun tight

to your shoulder, otherwise you'’ll do yourself an injury.

-James! -All right, fucking hell.

James, I thought you said you knew what you were doing!

Fucking Ellie, for fuck'’s sake!

- For fuck'’s sake! - For God'’s sake, just shoot!

Pull!

Shit, no, what are the chances of that?

There'’s literally no way that could happen.

-It just did! -As if a bullet

would actually ignite...

My God!! My fucking leg!

Look what you did to my fucking leg!

-You motherfucker! -Should we go back inside?

So this is it. Our last stand.

Except some of us can'’t actually stand.

- My fucking leg you... - Gimme that!

We'’re gonna go out fighting!

Be my guest, I'’ve used that shell anyway.

Any of you cats order a rescue?

What the fuck did you guys do to that?

So we going to the airport then, yeah?

Airport'’s closed.

The whole island is in quarantine.

So where are we going?

Chill guys.

We got the keys to a yacht.

It'’s anchored a few miles offshore.

We get on that, and then we sail back to the mainland.

Yeah, that all sounds great, but if it'’s offshore,

how are we gonna get there?

Some of us haven'’t got the use of all of our limbs,

and I'’m pretty sure I only got my 200-meter

swimming badge out of pity.

There'’s loads of speedboats and jet skis at this beach.

Sounds like you got it all figured out.

Where'’d you get all this cool shit from, anyway?

Well, it'’s a pretty amazing story, actually.

- My fuck... - Shh!

Okay, you distract them. I run to the car.

No, no. You distract them.

I mean, you are more... distracting.

Do you know how to drive a limo?

Do you know how to drive a limo?

No.

See?

If we get on that car,

you see that backseat?

I gonna ride you like a mechanical bull.

Run, then.

Come on, do something.

Hi.

Zombies.

Um, I'’m Az from London.

England.

As you can see,

there'’s not a lot of meat on me.

Some noise?

It'’s not working! Nobody ever listens to me!

Yes!

No. Maria?!

Maria! I ain'’t got a plan B!

Let'’s go, let'’s go, let'’s go, let'’s go, let'’s go.

Yeah, cool story, bro, but you haven'’t been through

what we'’ve been through... I'’ve loved and I'’ve lost.

-My sister'’s dead. -Liz is dead?

How?

Shotgun to the kisser.

It might just be me being stupid,

but I don'’t get how Liz turned in the first place.

Was it the zombie in the pool?

No, I checked her entire body,

and there was no sign of scratches.

She must have swallowed some blood in the pool.

She'’s right.

It doesn'’t just have to be a bite.

There'’s loads of ways you can get infected.

Transfer of blood, you know, unprotected sex.

Should have read the leaflets, guys.

So, yeah, Jim, if you did sleep with my sister,

you'’re infected, too.

But you didn'’t. So you'’re not.

What? Jim slept with your sister?

Watch it!

Right guys, let'’s get to the beach.

So... all we have to do is get through them.

Yeah.

That'’s, quite a lot of zombies.

Not too many we can'’t handle, though.

For fuck... use the machete, not my fucking...

Slice him, just slice him with the...

Go have a shower, bitch!

Yeah.

Whoa! Then use them!

You fucking retard! I have a machete!

Ellie, did you see...

Right now, we need...

That was my bad leg!

Another fucking retard!

Az, this isn'’t a jet ski.

Well, it should still get us there.

Maybe.

Hey, less talk, more pedaling.

I'’m, this is it, guys, game over.

What are you talking about? We'’re nearly there.

No, man, it'’s the end for me. I don'’t feel well.

I'’m... I'’m infected. I'’m just gonna stay here.

It'’s just that crusty kebab you had, you idiot.

No mate, I... I fucked your sister.

I had sex with her. I ran through her. I...

-You didn'’t fuck my sister. -I did.

-You didn'’t. -I did.

We swapped fluids, Alex. We swapped fluids.

Okay, sorted. You'’re staying here.

The rest of you, get the fuck back on this thing.

Really, Jim. You'’re not coming with us?

See you later, Jim.

Gonna miss you, man.

-Crazy Spanish lady. -Brazilian, prick.

Yeah, I, mean, it looked like at one stage,

you and I might have a thing, but obviously I had Liz,

and she was always my number-one priority,

and normally what I'’d do is,

I'’d fuck both of you simultaneously.

You on a Monday, her on a Tuesday.

Hey, bitch, just turn into a fucking zombie so we can go.

Ellie.

Look after Alex for me, will ya? He'’s probably...

he loves you, so you should probably take him back.

Okay, James. You... look after yourself.

And I wanted to let you know,

I don'’t actually think you'’re that boring.

You'’ve actually been mildly interesting on this holiday,

and sometimes I'’ve even been thinking about you.

Not sexually or anything, but just how are you?

-Hope you'’re safe and stuff like that, so. -Thanks.

Alex, man, it'’s been good, but you know,

we just ran outta steam on the home stretch like...

like the bobsled in Cool Runnings

who ended up losing to the Germans,

but there'’s no shame in that cause they'’re

the best in the world at the end of the day.

You'’re serious?

-Yeah, deadly serious. -Well...

Do you want us to kill you now?

I'’ll do it. I'’ll do it.

Well, before you turn, you know?

I think I'’m just gonna see what

life'’s like as a zombie, you know?

We really appreciate this, James,

but if you could hurry up?

Yeah.

Thank fuck for that.

I thought it was gonna fucking take all day.

Let'’s go.

That'’s it guys, you go. Save yourselves.

Everyone just hold on!

Woo-hoo!

Tell the world about what you'’ve seen here

and the atrocities, and also remember

the sea has no backdoor.

Godspeed. Godspeed.

Hey, big man! Drink?

Jesus Christ, man, you scared me.

You look like a piña colada man.

No, no, there'’s a beach full of zombies back there.

And I'’m feeling ill myself. I'’m probably gonna turn, too.

You should get out of here. Just head for the hills.

Chill. Chill.

Nothing you can do about now, is there?

Jesus, I'’m sorry to see that. That'’s really bad.

Pull up a stool. What'’s your story?

I... I had sex with a zombie.

You had sex with a zombie,

you dirty dog.

No, she wasn'’t a zombie when I had sex,

she was still human, but obviously,

-she was infected and stuff. -Yeah, yeah, of course.

Well, what, was she a girlfriend, or?

No, I wish.

She was my best mate'’s sister.

But I'’d always fancied her, so.

I'’ve got a... actually, I can show you.

Nice.

That is one nice bottom, my friend.

Yeah, well, I mean, don'’t kid yourself,

she wanted it just as much as I did, so.

What'’s the... what'’s the point?

No point anymore. I didn'’t even have sex with her.

But you just said you did have sex with her.

Yeah, I know, but she wanted to, and...

she took her top off, put her hand on my leg,

and that was it, it was... it was all over, man.

I didn'’t... I didn'’t even get the chance to take off my pants.

Ooh, well, don'’t worry about it.

I mean, you know, it could happen to anyone.

Really, has it ever happened to you?

No. Not me.

So anyway, if you didn'’t have sex with her,

how come you'’re so sure you'’re gonna be infected?

Well, I bloody kissed her, didn'’t I?

It'’s all bodily fluids at the end of the day, so.

You haven'’t been reading the leaflets, have you, fella?

Here, look.

-So I'’m not infected? -No, of course not.

Not from a bit of saliva swapping.

I thought everybody knew that.

I'’m not infected?

I'’m not infected!

I'’m not infected! Yes!

Fuck, I'’m not infected.

I'’m not infected, fuck!

You okay, Alex?

Yeah. I'’m okay.

Liz isn'’t.

Jim isn'’t.

I'’ve got no one left.

I'’m here.

Me and you back together?

Well it was Big Jim'’s dying wish, after all.

Things can'’t just go back to how they were,

not after everything that'’s happened.

But everything that'’s happened has made me realize

how much I care about you.

I know, and I care about you, too.

But things have changed.

I'’ve changed. We all have.

Look, Alex, what I'’m saying is,

I'’m glad you came to save me.

Even if, you know, it was actually me

that saved you in the end.

Well, it'’s the thought that counts, right?

Yeah, I suppose it is.

So, yeah.

When we get home, we can give it another go.

But if you fuck up again, I'’ll stab you in the ear, right?

Right.

Right.

How terribly sweet.

Look, a steps reunion.

So...

which one of you meddlesome kids has the key to my boat?

Or is it you?

You skanky street dog.

Fuck you

- Bitch! Charming.

How about you? You little cock tease.

Have you got my keys?

If we give you the keys, will you let us go?

What'’s say I let you have my speedboat.

And you can take your chances with the sharks.

-The sharks? -Yes, you see,

they don'’t normally come this close to shore,

but right now the sea'’s full of walking corpses.

Anyway, enough of this chitchat.

No, don'’t shoot her, please.

-No! -Here, take your keys.

Thanks, cupcake.

Now, why don'’t you all form a queue or something.

-It'’ll make you easier to shoot. -You said you'’d let us go.

Well, I say a lot of things, sunbeam.

Did you really think I was gonna let you have my speedboat?

Just a second. Who the fuck are you?

Some cheap champagne?

Yeah, talking of cheap.

Go and join your friends.

Now, right.

This... this is gonna be fun.

Big shout out to everyone in Ibiza...

You, Kenan and Kel with the three bars, you call.

Right, that is both offensive

and quite possibly racist and...

but given the predicament we find ourselves in,

I'’m not gonna retaliate and say that I think

you look like one of the Thunderbirds

with your long head or anything,

I'’m just gonna go ahead and call an ambulance.

Did me and Alex not mention

that we were at a nightclub that turned into a...

Rubbish! Absolutely rubbish.

You'’ll have to go through me first.

Don'’t worry, I was planning to.

Do you mean in a gay way?

Yes, I do.

Cut.

I know what you'’re thinking... but, Jim,

I thought you were a player and I didn'’t know you wanted

to get tied down to just one bitch,

and, yes, ordinarily, you'’d be right.

Normally what I'’d do is,

I'’d fuck both of you simultaneously.

You on a Monday, her on a Tuesday.

Back to your.... Sorry!

Alex, mate, this is it, I mean,

It'’s been a long and winding road.

We'’ve had some good times, some bad times,

and just ran out of steam on the home stretch

you know, like the bobsled in Cool Runnings.

The bolt came loose, and we lost to the Germans

just when we thought we'’d win, but it'’s been good, man.

- You'’re serious? - Yeah.

Well, don'’t you want us to kill you

before you turn into a zombie?

No, you wouldn'’t be able to. You wouldn'’t be able to.

Right. Okay, mate.

Cheers.

Fuck this.

Right, and we cut.