Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

Doris likes mine just the way it is.

I told you to stop talkin' to me 'bout that.

Why the hell you do

somethin' like that to your kid?

I was that way, my daddy's that way.

My daddy's daddy's that way.

And it's sanitary.

It's a goddamn myth.

It looks good too.

Just ask Charlene.

Charlene don't know shit.

Circumcision cuts off 1,000 nerve endings

and some kinda natural lubricant.

Now that'll make fuckin' Charlene actually tolerable.

Why does everybody do it then?

Well some guy who invented Corn flakes.

Probably to keep kids from masturbatin'.

C'mon.

That him?

Yeah, the blood trail leads that way, let's go.

Whoa, what the?

You think a deer did this?

Deer?

What the hell?

I do not know.

Whoa.

What is that?

- Did you hear that? - What?

- By the trees. - Nope.

Oh jeez, there's more than one.

So we grab that thing and split.

Could be worth money.

Oh shit.

This isn't how the gypsy said I'd go.

The universe is endless.

Cold and impartial.

We exist because we fought to be here.

The universe gave us a chance.

We grabbed hold, planted our flag in the ground

and said, "We belong."

Survival is fought for.

Right now ladies and gentlemen,

we are on a decaying planet of our own doing.

Well one day, Earth

will die

and we as a species will need to find

a new home.

Now greedy corporations and their puppets in Congress

are only speeding things up,

so that's why we must act now!

Invest in a Stars with Skaggs project

for intergalactic travel.

Together, we can discover unknown pockets of the universe

and need mankind to a new pine-fresh home.

Your money will make for a better universe!

Hi, Kenneth.

Hi.

What the hell are you doing?

I was just rehearsing for a future presentation

for my space travel company Stars with Skaggs.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Have you tested the equipment?

I started to.

I have a lecture in 30 minutes

and the sound must be an echo to the senses.

Right.

And have you replaced the bulbs?

You didn't say anything about replacing the bulbs.

I sent you an email last night

and I know you were on your computer

because of your masturbation problem.

I wouldn't call it problem.

Then where are my bulbs?

Yeah okay, I'll get right on it.

And the log report: stay late and finish it, okay?

Actually Kenneth, I can't.

It's my birthday today

and my friends and I are goin' on...

I don't care about your birthday, okay?!

You're my assistant and you're supposed to assist me.

So do you wanna keep your job

or do you wanna drink Mai Tais with your friends?

- Mai Tais. - Huh?

Oh I'm sorry, was that not an echo to the senses?

Mai Tais.

Have a good lecture, Kenneth.

Hey, wait!

- Come here. - Whoa, ow.

God, unhand me.

Give that to me, you.

You will never work in a planetarium again!

- Jesus, interesting. - Hey, hey.

The coat.

Coat?

Here's your coat.

Huh, huh?

Hey, pick it up.

- C'mon. - Yeah, okay.

But I'm leavin' it there.

Thank you!

Oh shit.

- Hi. Oh oh, I'm sorry. - Oh jeez.

- Pardon me. Sorry, Tracy. - Watch it, man.

Got a lotta momentum.

- I'll see ya. - Bye, Brian.

Never.

Oh my god.

What the?

You gotta be fuckin'.

Fuck my life.

You fucking fuckface.

Not you.

I don't need to stand anymore, right?

- Cheese. - No, you're good.

We were not in-sync on that one.

- No. - No.

- Ooh, but it's adorable. - Ooh.

Hey, all right.

Thanks.

- Alex. - Stop!

- Thank you. - Just a little.

- To Brian's birthday! - Here, here.

And to the last Leonid meteor shower together.

What, the last?

Yeah, the last year of college.

We might not have time to make a yearly trip

once our careers take off.

We could always find time.

I don't know, man.

You'll be busy blowin' shit up at NASA.

I'll be savin' lives in the OR.

Jess fighting deforestation in Guatemala.

Alex?

- Well Alex might be free. - Yeah.

Hey, Louis.

You know, I'm really disappointed in you.

This is our thing, man.

This has been our thing since we were in elementary school.

The real world can't take that away.

My dad says the real world

is an unforgiving thief of happiness.

And knowing my dad, I believe it.

Well, I hereby declare this not be

the last Leonid meteor shower,

but a yearly continuation until the day we die.

And I concur.

Yay.

Duke it.

Yup, yup.

- What, what yeah! - Oh.

- Lest we forget. - To our yearly meteor break!

I would live to come, you guys.

Oh Frederick, how are you darling?

But if I don't take care of my plants, who's going to?

This year is bad.

We can't have little Olaf

freezing his little butt off, can we?

Hey man, yeah.

Things have been a little, you know.

Yes!

Yeah, this year is bad.

Yo Brian, d'you see this shit?

20, motherfucker.

- 21. - No no no no.

Fuck, man.

You fuckin'. No no, you ain't takin' that shit.

Dude, this year's bad.

No, no.

No!

Faster, people.

We're on a deadline.

Can you bring that tree over here?

What are you doing?

I told you 15 minutes ago, that's not how you do that.

You guys, we're opening the garden.

This year is bad.

C'mon, bring the plant.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Ow.

All right,

so we're just gonna have to make a small incision.

It's gonna be about two inches.

- Incision? - Shh shh shh.

It's better if you don't speak, 'kay?

This year's bad.

Oh shit.

How's my ass look from back there, guys?

This year's bad, man.

This year's bad.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, do you feel cool with your chainsaws?

I wish I could be there,

but I'm in the middle of saving the forest.

This year's bad.

My mother was right about you!

This year's bad.

Dude, last night was fuckin' epic.

This year's bad.

This year's good.

"Happy birthday, son.

"Your mother and I could not be more proud.

"30 years old with your eyes still on the prize.

"Don't let it bother you that Elon Musk

"sold his first company for $300 million at the age of 26.

"Your mother just informed me

"that I shouldn't have written that last part,

"but I'm using pen and don't have time to buy another card.

"Just know that we love you

"and enjoy this gift with your friends.

"I did a little research.

"It's Elon's favorite."

Aww, dad.

Gonna get...

Hello?

You didn't say shit to me, all right?

I mean it's not like you.

I thought you knew.

No baby, I swear.

I swear we had this conversation.

'Cause all of you didn't.

Oh surprise, man.

I was gonna surprise you.

I thought you knew.

- Surprise me? - No, that's...

Are you kidding me?

What kinda fucking surprise is that?

You leave me alone for those little monsters?

- I told you last month. - No, you didn't.

I did.

You never help me anyway

and now you suddenly disappear and you leave me alone

to go drink with your high school buddies.

I am alone in this.

Well, I'm here.

Hello?

Hello?

Brian Skaggs!

Has it seriously been since my magical wedding day?

- Hug me. - Yay!

How's LA, man?

Buildin' rockets yet?

Yeah, I mean almost.

I'm goin' through the right steps.

How's Maggie and the twins?

- That was her on the phone. - Yeah?

Claims that I didn't tell her

I was leaving for the weekend.

I told her.

I totally told her.

She's still recovering from the episiotomy,

so she's a little.

The doctors made a slit in her perineum,

the space between the vagina and anus,

so post partum sex is.

Yeah.

And the twins, I love them.

- Yeah? - But then I think, do I

or am I just saying that because it's expected of me?

It's just you know, I need structure

and babies give fuck all about structure.

They're anti-structure.

Chaos in diapers, but I love them.

Everyone says I should.

They just make me a little.

- Jesus. - Oh yeah.

Not what you see on the Christmas cards.

Old wiring.

Speakin' of old wiring, how's your love life?

Was that a dick joke?

Holy shit, Maggie never lets me touch this stuff.

This stuff is good.

Well, my dick.

Thank you for asking, by the way,

continues to be dry and lonely.

My game is of the non-LeBron variety.

Well, maybe this time you can finish

what you tried to start with Jess eight years ago.

Jess, what?

No, get outta town.

Jess?

Please.

We're just friends, dawg.

Naw, naw.

Are you having a stroke?

Speak of the devil.

Screw you, Maggie.

Happy escape from the womb day, old man.

- Hi, Jess. - Hey.

Jess, look at you bringin' me

a handsome hipster in a Tesla.

Now, this is a farm!

A little red barn, a ducky pond,

a cabin.

I love it here.

Brian, my soulmate's mate.

Brian, Jess has told me so much.

Brian: brilliant engineer,

best of friend.

This is my boyfriend, Zachary.

- Your boyfriend? - Louis.

Louis, Jess has told me so much.

Louis: brilliant surgeon, best of friend.

He's a people person.

This place is bahupada.

Is that Hindi?

Did I just speak Hindi?

Sorry.

Lived in West Bengal for two years

bringing irrigation technology to the dry lands.

Sometimes I just slip right back into it.

Right.

Lemme show you where you're gonna put your bag.

Namaste, Louis.

Love you.

Love you.

Brian.

- Hey. - Hey.

Missed you.

Yeah, it's crazy that we're back here.

Yeah, finally.

I guess y'all just couldn't pass up

the opportunity to watch me wither and die.

- 'Cause you're 30. - 'Cause I'm 30.

Zachary is...

Oh yeah, he couldn't wait to meet you

'cause I've just been goin' on and on about you.

Oh, on and on.

He's the head of our non-profit.

- He's your boss? - He's my boss.

A Tiki bar?!

I love Polynesian culture!

He's excitable.

So tell me about you.

Last I heard, you were working at a planetarium.

Yes, I was doing that.

But I outgrew that.

- Did you quit? - No.

- No no no no no. - Jesus, Brian.

Yeah, I did.

But look.

D'you ever finish anything you start?

What've I never finished?

Hey.

Take your time.

Uh oh, hide the women and children.

That enough beer?

No.

Like we never left.

Cool if I VenMo You?

For what?

These tickets to a shit show.

Alice, come look at this.

Chum.

You're really gonna make me call you that?

If you wanna catch a shark, you gotta chum the waters.

Oh, we're not after a shark

and we're in the middle of the country.

Same logic applies.

Fine, Chum.

Look at this.

It's blood.

It's like staring into the cosmos.

Blood cells were stars.

It's kinda pretty

the way you put that all sciency and poetic.

Usually I trek alone.

Apparently I need a smartypants

do to their non-human nature of the job.

What's worth all this debt?

Don't matter what it is.

What matters is our employer wants it back.

So you're here to make sense of things

so that I can eliminate things.

It's so beautiful.

So goddamn beautiful.

To Brian, a brilliant gentleman.

And relentless panty-dropper.

Adjective and a noun.

- Brian. - To Brian.

Let's get drunk!

Getting old sucks.

Suddenly hydration has become very important.

People call me a sir now.

Do I look like a sir?

Know what I hate?

Nose hairs.

I'll tell 'em,

"I'm a sir in the sheets

"and a mister on the streets."

And hemorrhoids, those also suck.

I say shit like, "The kids," and "You call that music?

"I call that noise."

I watched Fox News once and I liked it.

Like I know they supposed to droop,

but it's like my balls drop twice.

I feel wasted.

You had like one beer.

He doesn't really drink that much

and I told him when we get together,

we're total lushes and he didn't wanna be left out.

I feel like I can see my face

wavin' to me from another state.

Like a

state of Wyoming.

Hello, face from Wyoming.

I usually shit on guys like ZDogg over here,

but somehow this motherfucker makes it work.

Pound it.

Beer pound!

- Beer pound. - Beer pound.

Oh, oh.

- Brian. - Fuck, I'm sorry.

Brian Brian Brian Brian.

Here, here, come here.

Oh no, please don't touch me, man.

No no no no.

Just help me pick the best one.

Yeah, I really don't think I'm qualified for that.

Okay, see look.

In this one, I'm not fully erect,

but I like my facial expression.

However, in this one I'm rock solid,

but what am I doin' with my lips?

Oh yeah, no you got a landing strip there.

Yeah, man.

That's tough.

I think probably the second one with the lips.

Improve it.

You could do that.

You're right.

Stellar cock.

I know, right?

All right, number two.

So Jess likes that type of thing, huh?

No.

No, god not Jess.

Ooh we're cool, right?

I mean, dicks are just dicks and pics are just pics.

Yeah whatever, man.

It's all yours, Bri-town.

Oh shit, my dick was out.

Putting her down for that one.

Never have I ever gotten a B in school.

Nope.

What, never got a B in school?

Never got an A either.

Really haven't got with it.

In my school, we just did for participation.

We had no grades.

Okay okay okay.

Never have I ever used grape jelly as a lubricant.

And it worked "grape"

You know that's a recipe for UTI, right?

- Okay Bri, Bri. - To the kidneys and the liver

and it can cause some serious damage.

Your turn.

- Oh, Brian's turn. - Brian's turn.

♪ Birthday Bri time ♪

♪ Birthday Brian ♪

♪ It's Brian's birthday ♪

♪ Get on the Brian train ♪

Choo choo!

You go go go go, say something.

Say something.

Never have I ever sent a dick pic to someone

while my girlfriend was in the next room.

Finger comin' down, drinkin'.

No, I'm not drinkin'.

Well this went downhill fast.

What?

- Oh whoa. - What is that?

- What the hell just happened? - Oh, did I blackout already?

It's just a power outage.

From what?

Guys, there's something wrong with my phone.

I mean what could do that?

Take out our phones.

Here.

I don't know.

It could be an energy not confined to a local force,

so it's something non-linear

that would allow aperiodic behaviors.

That sorta behavior is no longer acceptable

In a dating world.

I'm talkin' about multiple stable states;

symmetry-breaking

chaos.

Well, I imagine all scientific theories

are better expanded upon with the lights back on.

Yeah, the fuse box is in the garage.

All right, who wants to go with me?

I'll go with you, bro.

- Fantastic. - Fantastic,

indeed.

What the fuck, Bri?

You totally threw me under the bus.

Yeah?

Well, that's how we do things in Bri-Town.

What?

Fuck.

Your parents voted for Bush?

Hey, look you're cheating on my best friend.

So don't try to take the moral high-ground now.

Sending dick pics isn't cheating.

It's like sending out your resume

while you still have a job.

I'm not actively working for another company.

That's actively looking for another job.

- That's pre-cheating. - Pre meaning before.

Before cheating.

Before.

Well you better get outta my way

before I make a fist and pre-punch you.

Hey if Jess leaves me because of this,

I will pre-find out where you live

and I will pre-ruin your life.

Yeah?

Well I'll have pre-set booby traps waiting.

And I'll have predicted that.

- Pre-fuck you. - Pre-fuck you, man.

- Pre-fuck you. - I'll pre-fuck you.

- No. - Pre-fuck you.

To be continued.

Hey, you all right?

I don't know why I'm surprised.

I chose Zach for the same reason I chose every guy.

Knew it wouldn't last.

Yeah 'cause you've always been in love with Brian.

Brian, what?

Get outta town.

We're just friends, dawg.

Nah.

Okay.

Stuff really that bad for you?

I don't know.

I think I just got caught up in what was expected of me.

Never had that problem.

Chaos.

Strange burn pattern.

It was a ghost of Bush/Cheney.

What was that?

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

All right, maybe we should get the fuck.

You were saying?

Jess, Jess.

Come on, right now.

- Life or death, let's go. - What?

We're leaving.

Come on, let's go.

Ow.

Fuck you.

Fuck all of you.

What the hell was that?

We mighta seen a monster.

Pretty damn sure that I'm not the bad guy around here.

I mean I bring food to starving people around the world.

Not cool.

Leave my shit.

C'mon, c'mon.

Zach!

- Fuck! - Jesus, he's cut.

- What the? - Don't fall asleep, okay?

- Stay with me, Bri. - Oh wow, disgusting.

Landline!

Stay with me, don't fall asleep.

Portable.

Don't fall asleep on me, okay?

Why does it have to be the portable?

Stay with me.

There's blood everywhere.

We need to get him to the hospital.

- Jess, we don't even know what's. - Now!

Now, help me.

Help me.

Watch it you're already hurting.

- Louis, c'mon. - Whoa.

I ain't goin' out there.

Look at him.

Look at those marks.

Please don't be that preachy coward character

that annoys everyone.

They always die first and I don't want you to die, buddy.

Okay?

Okay.

- I wanna go in the car. - All right, c'mon.

It's okay, you're gonna be okay.

- You're gonna make it. - Okay.

Now get in the back.

- Shit. - What?

Should we grab some roadies?

Dude, he is dying.

Get in the back seat.

- You first. - Oh, no no no.

All right, all right.

Watch your foot.

It's just the brake.

What?

- Shit. - What the fuck was that?

- My god. - What, why?

I have to poop.

I have to poop when I get nervous.

Battery's fried.

What's wrong with your car, man?

- Well shit. - Alex?

You stay there.

Stay there, okay?

We'll be right back.

My hog seems to have met the same fate.

That's exactly what the fusebox looked like.

I always imagine me and her goin' out at the same time.

Wind in my hair, butt-naked as I drive off the edge of a-.

Did you hear that?

- Back inside. - Back inside.

C'mon, let's go.

He's okay, he's okay.

Just put him on the coffee table.

Okay, get the.

Louis, help!

Oh my god, anytime!

- Oh god. - You're gonna be okay.

Why's he touching me?

No, don't touch me.

Okay, we need to get the power back on

so we can charge the phone and call for help.

Okay, is there a generator?

In the shed.

- Okay, let's go. - Wait, I mean.

The shed, it's outside.

- It's in the dark. - Yeah, take your flashlight.

Right, yeah.

No, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Louis while we're doin' that outside in the dark,

- you stop the bleeding. - No no no, I'm not sure.

- What? - I'm not sure.

Dude, what the fuck?

Just gimme a minute.

We don't have a minute, Louis.

Come on, dude.

- You're amazing. - Okay okay okay.

It's okay.

I see.

Yeah, the problem appears to be these three cuts.

No shit.

Can you stop the bleeding?

- Who, me? - You, yeah.

Yeah.

- I'm not a surgeon. - You're not a surgeon.

- I'm not a surgeon. - You're not a surgeon?

I found out in medical school

I didn't have the stomach for it.

Blood makes me queasy as fuck.

You're not a surgeon?

I'm an optometrist.

Christ, Louis.

He doesn't need an eye exam.

I've got this.

What?

- What's he doing? - Be gentle.

Okay.

Brian.

You don't gotta look.

But you gotta hold these wounds together

while I glue them, okay?

Now, bro!

Okay okay okay.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

- No, I'm not ready. - No, I don't wanna look.

I don't wanna look.

I don't wanna look.

Alex, where did you learn to do this?

Coachella.

- Okay, good job. - We're gonna go.

Bye.

Really.

Pullin' it together literally.

Am I keeping it steady enough for you?

Yes, thank you.

Well, you been staring into that microscope

for a while instead of engaging

in time-passing conversation.

At least throw me a bone.

The blood.

It's the cells.

They're giving off an electrical charge.

You say that like you admire the creature.

I just like the opportunity to understand it better.

The deeper you try to understand something,

the more gray area you're gonna unlock.

Gray area equals hesitation.

Hesitation gets us all fucked.

Sounds like my last relationship.

Damn Wendy, you're funny

but you're also naive.

That device in the wrong hands does neither of us a service.

Mama wants to get paid too.

Well I could better understand what we're tracking

if I knew more about the device.

That's above both our pay grades,

but you saw the corpses.

Whatever it is, we need to stop it.

Just tell me about that monster.

Honey, let's stop for a second.

- Why's that? - Because it glowed.

Oh, of course it did.

The cuts on Zachary's chest.

Well, I believe you saw something.

I'm just not ready to go full-monster yet.

Okay, we're good.

Just try not to pass out on me

before we get the power back on.

Jess, that was eight years ago

and look I was nervous because I have.

Yeah and that led to gin shots.

Gin is a vile nemesis.

D'you ever wonder what would've happened

if you hadn't passed out that night?

Ah, all right.

- Voila. - Jesus.

- Does it still work? - I don't see why not.

Pull it like someone in their 20s.

All right, here we go.

All right, here we go.

- Oh god. - Shit.

I think it's outta gas.

Maybe we can siphon some fuel.

Zachary's car!

- Electric. - Ah, shit.

Right.

Damn you, Elon.

Oh, Alex has a gas-guzzling hog.

- Okay, what do we do? - Grab that.

Okay.

You know, I should've stayed in Miami.

Maggie and the kids.

My sweet, sweet, sweet wife and kids.

Success.

Is he going to live?

I'm not a doctor.

What are you?

Thirsty.

Right there.

Why'd you lie?

I didn't mean to.

Just lied once to buy some time,

then again to buy a little more

and before you know it, I was...

You got a Technicolor Dreamcoat made of lies

and everyone's all, "Damn, that's a fuckin' nice coat."

And you're like, "Damn right, this shit's snakeskin."

But you know it's salamander.

Optometry is a noble profession.

You know they say the eyes are the window to the soul,

so that makes you a soul doctor.

What the fuck does that even mean?

I think you're a little more qualified for this one.

I'm not.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know.

Siphoning gas has a lot more in common

with drinking a milkshake than sucking dick, dick.

Hey, I didn't know that.

Look, listen.

I'm sorry about.

It wasn't my place to call out your boyfriend.

My boyfriend who's gonna die

if we don't get gas in that generator.

Okay.

I shouldn't have brought him.

I didn't want to,

but he has this way of inserting himself and everything.

Suck, motherfucker.

Okay.

Are you okay?

God, it tastes like a YMCA.

All right, it's comin' out.

All right, we're back.

Let's head back in the house.

What, what?

What's goin' on?

Something just ran past me.

The monster?

Stop sayin' that.

What?

Giant squirrel.

And I can't say monster?

He was over that way.

Okay, all right.

- Right there. - Where?

Look, there!

How many of those fuckers are there?

Holy shit, it was glowing.

And she never doubted him again.

It's charging.

Give it a minute of juice and then call 911

and see if you can find a place that delivers beer

or the ambulance can make a stop.

Actually just do it the first way.

C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon.

Let's go.

Oh my god.

What is that thing?

- Run? - Yeah.

Oh shit.

Goddamn it, Mariah Carey.

It's not working.

- Hey, what happened? - Monsters.

Not you too.

How's Zachary?

Not long for this world if we don't get help.

We're almost outta beer.

Alex, there's like two more cases.

Yeah, but one of those is light beer.

Light beer!

Seriously, what happened?

Seriously, we got attacked by electricity-eating monsters.

Fine, what'd it look like?

It's hard to describe.

We only saw it clearly from the back.

Did it look like the Babadook?

Why would it look like the Babadook?

Why wouldn't it look like the Babadook?

What the hell's a Babadook?

Fuck it, I'm doin' shrooms.

You know I think we should keep our heads on straight.

- Louis! - What?

I have glaucoma.

Fuck it, gimme that.

All right, Jess.

Fuck it, also.

Pour me a shot.

Hell yeah, party's back.

- They're already poured. - Mm-hmm.

To the mysteries of the world and survivin' them.

What the fuck was that?

- Oh fuck. - Oh god.

Hold hold, we got a hit.

That's enough energy to power a small village.

Coming from 30 miles away.

Hold onto your beakers, Wendy.

I didn't bring any beakers.

I say we should stay here and wait it out.

But there's a problem with Zachary.

Zachary Zachary Zachary.

Since when do you care about him?

Now you have a shot with Jess.

What?

Dawg.

That is so fucked up, Louis.

- Yeah. - Definitely not cool.

Zach, are you okay?

- Yeah, no. - Sorry.

No but I'm standing.

We're gonna get to the hospital, okay?

So stay alive.

Okay.

Jess,

I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what a jackass you are

when you're on the mend, okay?

The Schwinns!

Our old bikes?

Yeah, they should still be somewhere in the barn.

Thought you said there were monsters out there.

There's a monster in here.

This is madness.

Don't worry, I think I left a six-pack in here somewhere.

Okay, there you guys go.

The bikes.

- I think if we split up. - Found 'em!

Yeah, okay.

Wow, these bikes do not look healthy.

Jess is right.

These things could fall apart on us.

Hey guys, can you come here and tell me

if I'm actually seein' a thing

or if this thing's a manifestation of the shrooms?

Whoa, what is that?

It looks otherworldly.

Well careful, it might be dangerous.

Bri, when did your dad get into welding?

You're the Bill Nye of the group.

What is it?

I don't know.

I've seen enough movies to say

with grave certainty it's nothin' good.

Looks like a giant football.

What happens when this thing's all lit up?

Jesus Christ, don't touch it!

What is this?

A bomb?

Zach, no!

It ain't no Babadook.

Oh my god, it's an alien.

Oh my god, it's a real alien!

What are you doing? Hurry up!

It's lightin' up!

Holy, I wanna get an alien!

I can't believe we just saw an alien.

I'm glad you're excited, Bri.

I'm so fucking happy you have enough material

for your next science project, but my boyfriend is dead.

And he may not have been the best boyfriend,

but he was a human being who I care about.

Sorry, Jess.

I get carried away.

You always get carried away.

Whether it's your fantasies about building rockets

or taking too many gin shots.

Why don't you apply some of that energy

to something with an actual end result?

Jess honestly, my condolences and all.

But can we please save the personal grievance

for after we escape the alien?

Come on guys, let's pedal.

Wait!

What if Zach was right?

What if that is a bomb back there?

So, about that pedaling.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck me sideways.

Brian!

Dude, a bomb!

According to Stephen Hawking:

If intelligent alien life exists which apparently it does,

they'll most likely conquer earth to exploit our resources.

That sounds terrifying.

So why are we stopped?!

That device had a light meter on it

that was nearly powered up.

But what happens when all the lights are lit?

It does whatever it was designed to do,

whether that be a bomb or some kinda matter decimator.

Isn't the latter just a fancier way of sayin' bomb?

The point is: Earth is in trouble.

You want us to go back?

Are you insane?

I don't know about you, but I don't wanna die tonight.

Again, my condolences.

Someone has to stop it.

That's what the police are for, man.

We're 20 miles from town.

With these bikes, there's not gonna be time.

Come on.

Hey.

The universe is endless,

cold and impartial.

We exist because we fought

to be here.

The universe gave us a chance

and we grabbed hold.

We planted our flag in the ground and said, "We belong."

We choose to belong to this

beautiful mess of chaos.

Survival isn't handed to anyone or anything.

Survival

is fought for.

Did you just have that speech in your back pocket?

Yeah, I did.

'Kay.

Help me apply my energy to somethin' with an end result.

You're all insane.

Three eulogies, that's what I'm gonna be writing soon.

I'm out, see ya.

- Aw c'mon, Louis! - No, man.

Look maybe he's right, Bri.

Maybe we are insane.

What have we ever been together but drunk?

Friends.

You can count on my steel.

I'm in, too.

Yeah, Alex.

I figured as much.

The booze is still back there.

Ooh.

You know me so well.

Welcome to the armory.

This is a tool shed.

I know, just grab a weapon.

Okay.

, okay.

Ooh, can I get the saws?

I feel like somebody should say

something witty and battle-ready here.

Maybe we just defy that cliche and save the world.

Let's poke some holes in their plan.

- There it is. - Yeah.

Let's say we kill all these things.

How do we defuse the device?

Well Brian's a mechanical engineer.

Yeah, I am that.

Guys?

Approach slowly or charge quickly?

Did that thing just disappear?

Are you okay?

That tree is all bark and no bite.

Oh, bad puns.

He's okay.

That's a bad bump; I'll live.

I'd hate for little Cammy, Ryu, Guile, Blanka,

Bison and Chun-Li to grow up without a father.

- You have kids? - You have six kids?

Are those Street Fighter characters?

Seriously Alex, who are you these days?

Some guy doin' what he has to in this crazy world.

There's another one.

Oh shit.

What?

There's only one.

What do you mean? They're all over the damn place.

No.

It's all over the damn place.

It can teleport.

Not so bad.

Just one alien.

They can teleport.

Maybe we need to rethink this.

Don't touch my friend,

you ET wannabe bitch!

Where'd he go?

Shit, I just know that thing's

gonna pop up at any...

Jump scare.

Where's Jess?

Jess!

What?

Who are they?

Bad asses.

Are you guys all right?

More importantly, have you seen a metallic device

with blinking lights?

Who are you?

This is Dr. Wendy Barnes and I'm Chum.

We were hired to track and kill that thing.

Hired by who?

I'm gonna let you guess my next sentence.

Is it top secret?

- It's top secret. - Yeah.

Put that thing down.

I didn't just shoot a game-winning three pointer.

One last time, have you seen a strange-looking device?

It's in the barn.

We should get them inside.

I'd like to interrogate them.

Fine.

- You got anything to drink? - Uh-huh.

Teleportation: That explains why its blood cells

are actively electrical.

Thank you.

This thing literally feeds off electricity.

Hence our romantic setup.

Of course it'll need to keep its body charged.

So the government knows about this thing, huh?

Never said anything about the government.

Ah, sure because you can't.

But I mean, it's obviously the government.

There's other groups out there

we've invested interest in our planet's future.

Look, you don't have to say it's the government.

We'll just all silently know.

And you were in the fifth dimension with it?

Mm-hmm.

Can I put this in your rectum? I'd like to get a reading.

No.

Fine then.

We got a teleporting alien that can be injured,

therefore can be killed.

Yeah, but first you gotta get it to stand still.

Man if I was sober, that wouldn't even be necessary.

My reflexes are that of a cobra.

I will decapitate that mecha mean motherfucker

before it could teleport into whatever dimension.

Too bad you're never sober, Alex.

'Cause your reflexes are for shit.

Alcohol.

- What? - Alcohol.

Yup, damn right.

No, alcohol slows down your reaction time.

He's right, that's science.

Thank you.

But right now we can't kill that thing

because we can't get a clear shot at it, but...

If we get even more fucked up.

No, listen.

I know how we take down this alien.

We get it drunk.

Hey, I'm totally not gettin' the plan.

We get the alien drunk.

Like in party with it?

To slow down its reaction time.

Exactly.

Each time the alien teleports,

its body feeds it electricity.

And if we slow down that reaction.

We can put a bullet in its brain.

This is all great, but we have one major problem here.

How do we get it drunk?

I know, I know.

I know!

That been happening a lot?

Yeah, it's the device.

One more and that thing's fully-charged.

Well we can't just march out there and offer him a beer.

We won't have to.

I know that smile.

That's the Brian's got a plan smile.

Brian's got a plan.

Thanks, mom and dad.

Ladies, gentleman.

I give you the Skaggs hydroelectric beer bong.

Our alien will come for the electricity,

but also get a belly full of tub hooch.

All right people, let's move.

Don't linger.

You just make sure you hit it.

Oh, I'm gonna hit it

and then I'm gonna hit it.

- Okay. - Cool.

You were right to say that to me earlier

'bout not finishing what I start.

Not sure why I always get in my own way,

just my nature as a fuck up.

Bri, fuck ups are the people that don't even try.

So if this bong fails and we all die,

the lesson here is at least I've tried?

Correct.

Now, let's party.

Let's boogie.

Please do the honors, me lady.

Fuckin' shit.

Look.

Wow.

Fuck me twice on a Tuesday.

Positions.

Stay safe, Chum.

I can't believe it actually worked.

Shit.

He's taking the bait.

Ready?

I was born to be bait.

Hey, Wendy!

Yes?

- I forgot your name. - Alex.

Yes, Alex?!

Let's explore this barn and all the contents within!

Great idea!

I'll just pull this handle and the door should open

and we'll be inside peeing on anythin' we want!

- Gross. - Eww, gross!

Chum, now!

Here's to paying my rent for another six months.

We claim you, alien fuck.

He came back.

Yeah and fucked everything up.

True, but friendship first.

Yeah, I guess.

- Let's go. - Yeah, yeah!

What the hell?

That was so dope.

Oh my god.

Look, I'm putting the gun down.

'Kay?

Now you let Dr. Barnes go and we'll leave, how's that?

Finish your business here and we turn a blind eye.

Don't worry about me.

One for many.

Right.

No more weapons.

Totally weapon-free.

Just two empty hands with peace.

No!

Shit.

I'm so sorry.

It's beautiful.

I said I usually work alone.

I didn't say I liked it.

Any more douchebags gonna pop out

and get someone else killed?

Why do I feel like that was directed towards me?

Who is this Tomb Raider-looking woman?

- What do we do now? - Improvise.

You seem the least drunk.

You must be blind.

My pitchfork will do.

Looks like we're ready to go.

Hey, it means a lot that you came back

even if you did get Wendy killed.

First of all, why does everybody keep saying that?

Because it's true.

No, it's not.

Yes, her blood is on your hands.

I wasn't the one that threw the knife.

It's not your fault, but it is.

Anyway, what were you gonna say?

I just couldn't stop thinking

what the fuck was I pedaling toward,

my optometry practice where all the assistants hate me?

My wife who also hates me.

My kids who should be way too young to hate me,

but I see it in their little antichrist eyes, the fuckers.

Then I thought about what I was pedaling away from,

the people who've always been there for me.

No matter how much of a pain in the ass I was,

I love you guys.

I don't know what's happening, but I feel really weird.

It took Louis.

- Wait, Louis. - Holy shit,

that was also really weird.

He's in the barn.

- Call dibs. - Okay.

Please stop.

Louis, are you okay?

I'll just let the visual speak for itself.

If I can't shoot him around you, I'll shoot through you.

Stop!

What are you fuckin' doing?

You're not killin' my friend.

Aw thanks, Bri.

- You got it, buddy. - Fuck all y'all!

This is why I say I usually work alone.

The fucker's behind me, ain't it?

No!

It's incredible.

It's gonna activate.

It's gonna activate!

Oh shit.

Fork me.

Alex!

Jess, shoot him!

Eat my ass.

Eat my ass.

Finish him!

God!

We did it.

We did it?

What, I don't get credit for this?

Oh, that's messed up.

I sabotage everything good in my life

'cause I'm terrified of failure.

I've been doin' it for years in my career,

even longer with you.

I purposely date guys I know won't last

so I don't have to be vulnerable with anyone.

Guess we're a perfect pair of fuck ups.

Do two wrongs make a right?

Well only one way to find out.

Some damn fine work, kids.

Looks like I won't be around to collect my payment, but

tell him you're with me.

He'll set you up.

You work for Big Oil?

Told you I wasn't government, you dumb ass.

Why would an oil company hire you to hunt down an alien?

That alien machine you just shut down.

It wasn't a bomb.

So what, could it open up a black hole,

expand matter, poison the air?

It's a carbon dioxide extractor.

Sucks CO2 outta the atmosphere.

That little alien device

is meant to turn the tide on climate change.

No, that doesn't make any sense.

Big Oil would want this thing activated

so they could keep goin' business as usual.

Of course.

Think about how much money can be made

if you hold the world hostage.

Once they dissect that thing,

they can create their own and profit like motherfuckers.

You used us

like pawns in a corporate game.

Don't be so dramatic.

Corporations are people too.

Big Oil

ain't so bad.

Maybe she was right.

We've killed a great humanitarian.

Well at least we still have some beers.

Well happy birthday, man.

Light fuckin' beer.

Of course.

Fuck.

47 Baker, take three.

So we're already landed, right?

Yeah.

My nay-nays feel weird.

I mean I don't drink.

But when I drink, I drink.

No, we're high up.

We're pretty high.

I can tell.

Less oxygen.

Whoa.

I voted for Trump.

I like to masturbate with my lab coat on.

Maggie hates postpartum sex, but I like it.

- Sorry. - Speakin' of farts,

I pood my pants like.

I had a pain in my balls and I thought it was ball cancer.

It was just pain

in my balls.

You can see like the burn marks and stuff.

Burn marks.

Yeah.

I don't know, man.

I think it's like splittin' hairs.

- Which one? - Both equal.

I don't...

No, one's better than the other.

Don't show them to me again.

You want me to take a pic of your dick?

The selfies are kinda tough.

Nah, it's okay.

I think I can manage.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Life or death, we're leaving right now.

C'mon!

Ow.

I farted.

Dingleberry!

Fuckin' dicks!

Babadook?

Fully erect.

The Schwinns!

- Our old bikes? - Yeah.

They should still be in the barn.

Teleport!

- She's in the barn? - Who is that?

She's in the barn.

Can you swim?

No, I'm black.

I'm fallin' off.

Ooh!

Yes?

Like push your tongue.

It'll help you to just push you tongue.

One for the alien.

Happy birthday, man.

Oh, fuck!

Welcome to my place.

Got my entourage, got my lights goin'.

You see my egg in the back.

You know I'm lit.

Don't mind the blood, that's somethin'.

We're not gonna talk about that.

There's my sound guy.

You know I'm dope if I got my own sound guy, right?

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