Original subtitles

- Previously on...

- Everyone should share a story about something

that makes them vulnerable. - I was 17.

I went to rehab for three months.

And so when my parents came to come get me, they were like,

"You're not coming home, but we did find

a halfway house for you to live in that's run by nuns."

- The guy... the host's name is Joe Farrell.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

This is, like, weird white people.

[ laughs ]

- When I married my husband, he forced me to buy clothes.

- You were his accessory.

- I was never a trophy wife! - Listen...

- You were a trophy wife! - Is this the basement?

- It's the lower level. - Okay.

I'm always last on the totem pole

when it comes to rooms when we go on vacations together.

- Luann's left and written out-of-control text.

[ cellphone rings ] - Shh! Shh! Hello!

Luann's on the phone. [ ring ]

Hey, Lu.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Hey, Ramona.

- I'm so sorry I didn't give you my room,

or rather... or rather, Sonja's room.

- I don't want you to feel like I think less of you. I don't.

And I'm so sorry I made you feel that way.

I was wrong not to have you on the same floor.

Please come back. Please? - I feel bad you're upset, Lu.

- I don't want you to be upset and I don't wanna cry.

- I don't want you to be upset. I would rather

you be here with us. - We love you. I do love you.

- You don't have to sleep in this sh... hole.

- Shut up! - [ laughs ]

- Get our ass over here.

- [ sighs ]

- Fine.

- Fine, you can stay at your home, but please come back now.

- Only in the Hamptons do you get in a fight with a friend

and you're like,

"Bitch, I'm gonna see you on the tennis court!"

- I'm owning it that she had a right to feel upset.

I'm owning it.

And I just really wish she communicated it earlier.

- Do we have to go tonight? I wanna be losers and stay home.

Instead of going, let's stay here.

- Instead of going with Ramona's fancy new friends.

- Well... [ scoffs ] - I just think enough is enough.

- My girlfriend's having a beautiful birthday party

at Sag Harbor. I'm really surprised

these girls don't wanna go to this party.

I mean, come on. How many hours can I look at you girls?

I mean, I love you, but not that much.

Let's get some action! Food, wine, dancing, and men!

- I almost ended up sleeping with another guy, too.

I can't do that. - Well, you were just acting

like a crazy person. - You were a disaster area.

- You were just out of your mind.

- What about when Elyse called you "arm candy"?

I'm like, "Take it back! Take it back!"

- I know! - Yeah.

- I was never a trophy wife! - Listen...

Take... that... back!

I don't shave my pussy!

- And then she throws it on me.

She's like, "She's the trophy wife!"

- Yeah! She's the trophy wife! - Bitch, that's not true!

- Don't say I am! - When I was married to Topper,

I was not a trophy wife. - I had a lot of responsibility.

That girl shouldn't be calling me a trophy wife.

- When you...

- Don't say that. - You were a trophy wife,

- Don't say that. And also, so stop.

- I was a hard-working wife. - Yes.

- [ speaks indistinctly ] - I've been hard-working, too.

- How come you don't know where the shoe repair is

in our neighborhood? - Oh, my God, stop it.

- You didn't know where the shoe repair shop was.

- Oh, my God. Stop it. Okay, get... Stop right now.

I'm... I'm too sick for you to get on this loop again right now.

- The first rule of trophy wife is

if you have to explain that you weren't a trophy wife,

you probably were a trophy wife.

- I just wasn't that kinda wife. I was gardening.

I wore a muumuu all day. - I know, but imagine, like,

when she said something to you,

and you found that so offensive...

- She found that offensive. I get it.

- Because... And then she found it offensive because...

- Touché! - ...you found it offensive.

- That's touché, Ramona. That's... that's a touché.

- Touché.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Hello? - Hi!

- Nice to see you. - You, too. How are ya?

- I'm very good. - Good. You look very good.

- This is L'Etoile? - Yeah. Isn't it nice?

- Yeah. Is my client, uh, company.

- It's different-looking, right? - I like the orange...

- Right? Me, too. Right.

Adriano? Gosh, he's probably

the hottest tennis pro in the Hamptons.

Everyone loves hitting with him 'cause he speaks Italian,

he's' tall, gorgeous.

What else can I say?

- All right, let's hit, baby. I wanna hit.

- Warm me up before Luann gets here.

- We don't run today?

- Oy. - Oh! Bad bounce!

Volley! - Boom!

- Volley! - Boom! [ laughs ]

- And overhead. Twist, twist, twist!

- Aah! - Yes! Good!

Very good! Ay! - Ay, ay, ay!

- That was awesome.

- Ay, yi, yi.

- Ay, ya. - Oh, my.

Oh, I'll just great my breath. [ shrieks ]

Luann, where are ya? I need some relief.

[ gate latch clattering ]

- Ramona, how do you open the gate?

[ thud ] Ugh.

All right, I got it.

I do believe Ramona is sorry because I don't think

she intentionally put me in the basement.

She just does not think.

And I'm not gonna let this ruin my weekend with the girls.

- Adriano, this is my girlfriend Luann.

- Adriano. - Luann.

- [ both speaking Italian ]

- [ laughs ]

- She say that I still have a strong accent...

- He still has a strong accent.

- ...even after 20 years in the U.S.

- Don't lose it. We like the strong Italian accent.

- We like it. Sounds very... Your accent sounds very, uh...

- Thank you. Thank you.

- ...whatever. [ laughs ]

- You look very fit. - She does a lot of yoga.

She always had a good body, but now it's awesome.

- She's trying to be nice to me. - I am being nice.

- Don't try too hard. It's just not your M.O. [ laughs ]

- [ laughs ] - That was funny.

[ laughs ] That was...

- Luann, we're not going to the party.

We decided we're all gonna stay in together

order in from Parmigiana, and just hang out.

- Really? - Yeah.

- All your friends are gonna be disappointed, no?

- You know what?

My most important friends are right here.

- I couldn't agree more.

As much as Ramona's trying to honor her guests

and be the great hostess that she is...

[ inhales deeply ] she's dying to get to that party.

- Is our midnight rider back?

Yay! - [ laughs ] Midnight rider.

- Ramona, you ready? - Yes, I'm ready.

- Because she's ready. - I was born ready, baby!

- She's ready, so jump in.

- He has no idea what he's getting into here.

- He's gorgeous. - [ chuckles ] He's gorgeous.

- He's your type.

- I think he's every women's type.

- Yeah. Right?

- Ramona Singer uses the '80s method

of hiring people.

They have to be good-looking, they have to be fit,

and they have to be somewhat dateable.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Ah! - Whoa!

- That was worse. - Nice!

- [ laughs ] - Oh!

- Ohh! - Out!

- It's like the sun was in my eyes or something.

Damn! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

- Little Miss Excuses. - Is this really a tennis game

or is it disguised as a tennis game for something else?

I think we need a bell. - I'm getting out all my...

- Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

- Hey! Round... 1! - I need a punching bag.

- This has nothing to do with tennis,

Luann's so competitive that she's gonna

completely decimate Ramona.

And Ramona's gonna pretend to play tennis

while she has her tits hanging out.

- Come on, Ramona, go back. Fast, fast, fast!

Fast, fast, fast! Faster, Ramona!

- I'm sure that's exactly what he wants to see.

- Push it.

- Out. - [ groans ]

- Ooh, that would've been... That would've been...

- I'm so... [ speaks indistinctly ]

- That would've been 15-30.

- I know! You don't have to rub it in.

- I'm having a ball over here. Revenge.

- [ grunts ] Oh! - Aw!

- Ramona. - Fiddle-faddle!

- I've never played tennis and I think I could do better.

- Oh! Oh! Ohh! - Aah!

- Oh, sh... - That's two bounce,

so it's winner. - You deserve it, Lu.

Nothing is the better panacea than winning.

- Winning!

- Shake hands with your opponent.

- Okay, winner! You did great. - Rematch?

♪♪♪♪♪

- I feel like Sonja can't let things go with you.

- You haven't even...

- That was, like, really tiring me.

- Do you know how exhausting it is for me?

- I mean, I think she's hilarious and I love her,

but, like, yesterday, she was like,

"I married the bank." I'm like, "oh, my God."

- I don't need these mansions. I married the bank.

- I know, bitch.

- I didn't marry the... ing banker.

No, I married the... ing bank.

I had the private island. I had the yacht.

- What's very sad is she, you know, won't, like...

move on, you know? - She won't.

Considering I just met Sonja,

I think it's a little strange

that I know so much about he life she used to live,

and I really know anything about the life she's living right now.

The yacht has sailed, honey. You know what I mean?

Like, you need to, like, get over all that.

She's sh... - I know.

- How old are you? - I'm 39.

- Do you have a family? - No, I'm single. Single...

- You're single? - Yeah.

In Manhattan, it's very hard to...

- Yeah. - ...meet somebody special.

- [ gasps ] - Everybody's running around.

Uh... - But I can't imagine

you have a hard time meeting somebody.

- Mm...

Yeah, something... something... - You'd be surprised, right?

- You'd be surprised, you know? - [ speaks indistinctly ]

- When you least expect. - When you least expect.

- Exactly. - Could happen today.

- I don't know about today, but...

- [ laughs ] Okay. - [ laughs ]

- What?! [ speaking Italian ]

You just shot me down.

[ laughs ] - Oh, come on.

- Coming up...

- Sonja! Sonja! Sonja! - [ shouting indistinctly ]

- [ speaks indistinctly ]

- The Morgan... ing yacht has sailed!

♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪

[ dial clicks ]

- [ scoffs ] Really?

Only one side's going on.

Come on. Why aren't the other ones kicking in?

[ sighs ]

Flash. [ dial squeaks ]

[ gas whooshes ] Ooh!

Oh. Okay, it was on. Good.

Just blew up in my face.

- I like it. - You like it?

- What is that? - It's frosé.

You wanna try it, dear? - These are good? There's...

- There's alcohol in it. - Oh, there's alcohol.

- Oh, my God! This is so good. - I almost got! So close!

- We can make non-alcoholic later.

- Are you trying to trick me or what?

- Oh, my God! - [ mouths word ]

I don't think that Luann was ever an alcoholic.

I spent many years with her, going out, having a good time.

- I think what Luann went through in this last three years

has been incredibly intense and difficult,

and I think it's behind her, and we're all looking forward

to having the old Luann back.

- Are we gonna eat outside or inside?

- Outside? - The table's set, by the way.

- Yeah. - Table is set.

- Well, no, we need forks and knives.

There's no forks and knives on the table.

Can you guys help set the table? - Ramona, we're...

- Thank you for setting the table, Leah.

- Oh, you're welcome.

- You didn't. You didn't put forks and knives.

- There's no forks and knives on the table.

- Well, your woman told me that the forks and knives

were in the napkins.

- Oh, they're in the napkins? - Oh, she did that?

- That's what she told me.

- Oh, she used to do that when I do buffets. Forget it.

- But I wanna make sure they're not in the napkins.

- Well, don't get comfortable! - My God, Ramona.

That's not nice. - You're bossing her around...

- Yeah, don't do that. That's not nice.

- Don't talk to her like that. - Yeah, that's terrible.

You do it. This is your house.

- You said you wanna eat in 15 minutes.

- I would never talk to anybody that was my guest in my house

like that. - Well, no one's helping.

- They're in here!

- Why do you have the lady here helping you?

- I don't know.

- Don't let her talk to you like that,... ing bitch.

- They're in the... They're actually in the napkins.

- All right, fine. - Yeah, so...

- Don't let her talk to you like that, Leah.

- Fine! Fine, fine. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- No, I... - Take her to a doctor

and check her hormones.

I think that... I really don't even...

I'm not offended. - Well, care.

'Cause otherwise, she gets away with it.

- I'm... All right. - Are we staying with Ramona,

or are we working for Ramona?

What's my hourly wage? When can I take a vacation day?

I mean, this is ridiculous!

- [ Softly] Cheese or no cheese on your turkey burger?

- Uh, no cheese. - Cheese or no cheese

on your turkey burger? - Oh, look how...

Look how gentle now her voice is.

- I know. - [ whispers indistinctly ]

I just, cheese or no cheese?

It's like... [ shouts indistinctly ]

[ softly, speaks indistinctly ] - Okay.

- That's how my family talks to each other.

I think that's why I just don't need the...

- You know what? You like it, I think.

- I-I don't mind it. I just don't.

- It's not good. You need therapy.

- [ gasps ] The grill! Holy sh...!

I went and burned the food!

- I was raised to respect my elders,

so when they act a little out of pocket,

I'm kinda just letting them get away with it.

For now. - Excuse me, Sonja!

I need a cutting board.

Sonja Beach, I need some help, please.

- Will you stop interrupting all the time?

- 'Cause I'm cooking! I need help. I need...

- You're so rude! - [ speaks indistinctly ]

- All right, whatever.

The only thing I miss, not having a partner,

is someone to grill.

Mario was always in charge of the grilling.

Who wants to get hot and sweaty over that grill?

Let someone else do it, please.

It looks so good. I'm so excited.

I need a good meal.

- To the hostess with the most-ess

and to great friends. - The hostess with the most-ess

who sometimes bites. - To new...

- Yeah. - Yes!

- Leah, it's really lovely to get to know you.

- Thank you so much for having me.

I really appreciate it. - I'm so glad we're, like,

hanging in one... - Luann, thank you for

coming up from the basement. [ laughs ]

- From the lower level! - From the lower level.

- This is what you call sunlight?

- I was never so happy to see my bedroom last night.

I can tell you that. - So Ramona let you out.

- So, Dorinda, I was telling Luann

about the conversation we had as Wolffer.

We all were going around the table and sharing something

special or really vulnerable and emotional about ourselves.

So do you have anything that you'd like to share

about yourself? - [ chuckles ] Wow!

- Now she's on the spot. - Totally!

- Well, I'll share that yesterday and last night

was very hard for me not to drink.

The hard part is knowing you can drink,

and then choosing not to drink.

You know, it's hard to be around a group of girls

that like to drink.

As much as I don't wanna drink,

I just feel like to get back in the game with the girls.

- You know, it's awful that you've had, like,

someone in the watchtower for the last year.

- I know. - But in a weird way,

it's sort of been like... It's been nice to have

someone in the watchtower. - Yeah.

- So now you look at the watchtower, you're like...

- There's nobody watching me anymore.

- No one's there. - I'm looking out for myself

and I just, you know. So last night,

I really... - You were challenged.

- ...felt like drinking. It was a challenge for me yesterday.

And it's, like, the first time I felt like that in a while.

- Oh, God. Really? - Yeah.

- This is exactly the kind of thing

that Luann would've hid from us last year.

I'm so proud of where Luann is now,

that she can be open and honest with us again.

- I think I'm gonna be fine if I..

- You are fine. - ...uh, I drink.

- Me, too. - Yeah.

- But then I know that I will be upset with myself

because it's like a promise that you make to yourself.

I think I'm at a place with the girls

where I can be open and honest.

And I made a resolve that, you know what?

This weekend, I'm not gonna drink. That's it.

And I chose to do that

and it's really hard sticking to the plan, but I'm doing it.

Leah goes, "Oh, well, I've been drinking today."

And I was like, "Damn it!" - I know. I honestly...

- Damn it! I was like, "I had a good time.

I was dancing and whatever," but it's like,

you know, I wanted to join in. - Yeah.

- And that's normal. And then I was like... [ groans ]

- There's probably so many things going through her mind.

Like, "Is my family gonna hate me?

Am I gonna get arrested again?"

And I get it because all that same stuff

was going through my head when I made the decision

to start drinking again. But at the end of the day,

she has to just make that decision for herself

and not really worry what other people are gonna think.

- No, no, no, I... At some point, it's a personal...

- It's not that you're a bad influence.

That wasn't the point. I'm just saying that it was a...

- You felt vulnerable. - You felt lonely.

- I was vulnerable, and I felt it hard not to drink yesterday.

And it's the first time I've felt like that,

so I'm just sharing.

Tinsley: And then you're all ...ed up.

- Thank you. - This is all good.

This is all good stuff.

Coming up...

- You like it! - Sonja, I'm gonna have to put

my finger up your ass to calm you down.

- [ laughs ]

♪♪♪♪♪

[ knock on door ]

- Oh. Hi. - Hey. How are ya?

- Good. How are you? - Great.

- Uh... - We're here to groom Marley.

Sonja's dog. - You're here to groom Marley?

- Yeah. - Of course you are.

You're kidding. - Or Sonja.

- You have a service that comes to groom?

- Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. - That's amazing. I love it.

Well, let me get Sonja. I think she's in the bedroom.

- Great. Thank you. - Cool.

- Just, uh, hold on one sec. - All right.

- This guy is, like, hot.

I mean, dog groomer? Really?

I'd like to be groomed. [ laughs ]

- Luann's very impressed with your business.

- Oh, fantastic. Thank you. That's so great.

- I was like, "What?" - Hey, Marley.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, sweetie. Mmm.

- I was walking through the living room,

having my tea, and... - Hi, sweetie. How are you?

- ...handsome dog groomers walk in the door.

I'm like, "There is a God."

- You're little up like a Christmas tree right now!

- There is a God. - I know. It's exciting, right?

- That's so great. - Okay, let's go.

I could use a little zhush, a buff and a puff.

This is a full-service home for Lu.

We have a tennis instructor. We have dog groomers.

It's just a revolving door of hot guys for Lu.

[ water running ] - Do you need any help?

- Cool. Do you wanna see what I'm doing?

- You good? Do you want me to hold him or anything?

- He needs your moral support. - Ohh.

[ laughs ] Yeah.

- So what kind of dog do you have?

- I have a Westie.

- A Westie? - Yeah. Aston.

- Aston? - Yeah.

- Nice. - Like Aston Martin.

- Nice. - Hello. [ laughs ]

We're washing Marley. You wanna join?

- [ laughs ]

If there's a man in the house, you know Luann is on it.

She'll say I'm the flirt. Bullsh...

She's the biggest flirt I ever met.

- Oh, he's doing the massage. I need that.

- I know, right? - You need that on your neck.

She needs a massage on her neck. - It's all good.

Just sayin'. - It's all good.

- Will hold you. - I mean...

- It does. - Maybe the chair?

- What? - Get yourself in position.

I would kill for a shoulder massage.

- Yeah, he's gonna give you a quick shoulder massage.

- Really? - Yeah, yeah.

- All right, go. - Ohh.

That is the best. - Go, Lu! Go, Lu!

- Where should... Where should I go?

- Tell him where your neck is at.

- Tell me where to go, I'm there.

- Sit right here. - Oh, my God.

I am so excited right now.

When you said you did massage, I was...

- You're excited? So am I. I'm a voyeur.

Ha ha! I love it!

♪♪♪♪♪

- Oh, my God. This is amazing.

You got great hands.

- We don't get buffed and puffed like that.

And what the hell is Luann getting?

- Mmm. Oh, yeah.

- I'm not so sure what she's getting.

- I think she's getting aroused.

- Do you make house calls?

- Good to know.

- You good? You good? - Thank you. Yes, thank you.

Very good. Thank you. Thank you for that.

That was awesome. Thank you.

Really awesome.

[ dryer whirring ]

♪♪♪♪♪

- You gotta wear, like, a heel for a second,

and then... - Then I'll take them off.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Throw 'em at somebody's head.

- We're, like, we're have a civilized, lovely dinner party.

- So happy we changed our mind not to go to the party.

- So happy.

- I don't do well at those big parties anymore.

You know, it's so funny, as you get older, how you change.

I used to love those kind of events.

- It's nice to be at home with your friends

and not have to make conversation,

- I'm so bored with myself. So when I hear myself talking,

I'm like, "Oh, my God." - [ laughs ]

♪♪♪♪♪

- Is this too much? Maybe cut that in half.

- I'm a stage mom. I want to style my dogs.

I want them to have, like, the cute little face, like puppies,

but then, like, a cute little skinny body.

- Don't tell your dogs they're fat. That's terrible.

- I didn't tell my dogs they're fat.

I just look at 'em. - You like at 'em

like they're fat. - It's my calling.

I'm a stage mom.

- Hi, honey bunny.

People say I'm ignoring you. They don't understand

that you don't like crowds. - Do you need any help, Ramona?

- Oh, no, but thank you for offering.

- You want me to take... Okay. - Well, she'll just

yell at you anyway. - I'm so happy

that tonight is just gonna be girl bonding

and I can just kinda let loose and not have to worry about

any weirdo white dudes showing up.

- Hello, hello.

- [ speaking indistinctly ]

- Anybody home?

- It's almost, like, treated into, like...

- Hey, Jeff! - Hey!

- How are you?

What's going on? Come outside.

Jeff... he's a character.

He actually makes a great lasagna,

and he's a very good... pianist.

I had all these girls for lunch. So we were recently all

gonna go to Suzanne's party, but then they were like,

Oh, let's just stay in, hang out."

- What's he doing here? I-I don't get it.

It's a pussy party.

And then there's, like, one penis in the room.

Why? I don't get it.

- The girls wanted to stay in, so I started to invite people.

But everyone was going to my friend's party.

Jeff was the only one that showed up.

I guess he's happy. One man, seven girls.

He should be happy.

- The last time I remember seeing you

is outside of Bilboquet.

I said, "Can I have your number?"

- Oh, you did? - [ laughs ] Yeah.

- You tried to hit on me? - Yeah, I totally was.

- And I forgot? How did I forget?

- No, you didn't forget. You gave me your number.

[ both laugh ]

- I did? Oh, good. - [ laughs ] Yeah.

- I'm so glad I did. Now you have my number.

- I have it. - Phone number?

Uh, no, sorry. I don't even recognize you.

- Who's this guy Jack you invited?

Another one you're dating? - No, no, no.

I started calling different guys...

Justin, Jeff, Ed, Carl.

- There's no hot guy? - This one.

Everyone's going to the party. He's going to the party.

Ooh! Let there be fire!

- [ laughing ] - Let there be fire!

♪♪♪♪♪

- Oh, God, I thought this was cranberry juice. What is this?

- Oh! [ laughs ] No, I'm sorry.

There was no ice and I couldn't find ice,

so there's vodka in there.

- This is great. - [ laughs ]

If Leah wants to drink, like, she's around safe, good company.

I think it's fun.

As long as she's drinking around me, I feel like I got this.

She's not gonna go off the deep end.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

- Quarters. At my house.

If I get it, you have to drink it.

If I don't get, I have to drink.

- Okay. - See? That's how it goes.

And that's all I'm gonna play.

Yeah! - Aah!

- Yeah!

Drink, bitch.

- I never did... [ laughs ]

- Drink, bitch.

- You! - Drink, bitch.

- Well, she should've gone to a fraternity instead of FIT,

- Aah! - Aah!

- Yeah!

♪ You drink, you drink, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- I mean, this is more like frats guys getting wasted

than a lovely drinks party with the ladies.

- Luann, did you bring my vibrator I asked you to get me?

- God, are you gonna masturbate for everybody?

- How are you? - Good. How you doing?

- I'm good. - Good to see you.

- Good to see you. - Full length! Oh, my God.

- You know, they're gang banging over there.

- ♪ You drink, you drink, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- There are nights where I really miss drinking.

Tonight is not one of those nights.

- You like Oh, my gosh. - [ speaks indistinctly ]

- What kind of guys do you like? Oh, my God.

- [ speaks indistinctly ] What?

- No. - I think he's great.

- Oh, she's picking on me? - All right, hold on.

They want you to go.

- Go outside the house? - She doesn't like any guys,

and then she likes you. I

I'm like, "Why would you like this guy?

- [ speaks indistinctly ] - He's got the, like,

chest showing. It's good. I'm not mad at it.

- I can't help but sit back and watch this all go down

and think to myself, "Oh, my God.

Is this how I look when I get drunk?"

- I thought we sent you home!

- And where the hell did Sonja get that dildo?

Watch your heads, girls. She's got the vibrator in her ass.

- Ooh! Wow!

- [ laughs ] Get off!

[ speaks indistinctly ] - You love it!

You like it! - Sonja, I'm gonna have to put

my finger up your ass to calm you down.

- I think I'm gonna go. - Yeah. Good to see you.

Thank you for coming over. - Aw, thanks for having me.

- [ laughs ] - Whoo-hoo!

- You're a wild beast! Get outta here.

- Isn't this the best party ever?!

- Coming up...

- Sonja! Get in! - Take it off now!

- Yeah! - Now!

- Oh, my God. I'm seeing double and feeling single.

- [ grunts ] - Yeah!

♪♪♪♪♪

- What did I say that hurt your feelings?

You said... We were at... [ speaks indistinctly ]

- They were walking out,

and Alberto's there and we're talking.

He's like, "How's John?" And you're like, "You know,

"she'll be done with him in two years.

She'll be with someone else."

- Oh, my gosh. - Recently?

- Yeah, you did.

- Really, Ramona, I can't believe you.

- I don't remember saying that.

- So insensitive. - [ laughs ]

- Bitch, if you get naked, I'm gonna get naked,

and that's that.

I'm going stir-crazy. [ Coco barking ]

There's just only so much talking about yachts

and déclassé that I can really handle

before I'm like, "This is how I have fun."

- Aah!

- Watch and learn.

All right, I'm kind of peeing in the pool right now.

- I'm like the prude that can't take my clothes off right now.

- Rip it off, bitch! Get in the pool.

You know what? This is a "... you" to Dale.

This is a "... you" to society, high society.

...you, Park Avenue.

Yes, bitch! Go! Go, go, go, go! Yes! Yes!

- Aah! - Whoo!

- Yeah!

Oh, my God! [ Coco barks ]

- Oh, my God, I hate these tiki torches! They suck!

- [ laughs ]

- ...you! - Why?

- Because they suck. They just represent bullsh...

- There, like, spotlighting.

- Let me just put this out there with everyone.

It is not always great with John.

He is different. He is a different choice for me.

But you know what? The big picture is, he's my friend.

- The big picture is he's there for you.

- Yes. I've accepted him into my life as my friend.

He's almost... He's family to me now.

- Mm-hmm.

- John would go to the fire with me.

I am about the foundation of the house.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm not about the curtains

and the flooring. I'm about the foundation.

- So answer a question. If you knew he was

a party tonight and he's taking girls' numbers,

what would you do?

- He's not doing that. And I know you wanna create

this theory. - No, I said, "If he did."

- Well, of course I'd be upset!

But why, again, would you say that?!

- Why would you say that?

- You're... That's an asshole thing to say!

I think Ramona just pulls stuff out of her ass.

One thing I do know for sure is he's never flirted with her.

- Why do you roll your eyes, Ramona?

- No. - She said he doesn't take

phone numbers, and you're... - Luann.

- ..and you're saying he does.

- Yeah. Girls have told me he's taken their numbers.

- I'm sure they have. I'm sure there's people that...

- They already have relationships,

and he hits on them.

Dorinda's totally a different person than when

she met John seven years ago.

And there's a side of Dorinda

that is not totally happy with the relationship with John,

and I know she realizes down deep

and I wanted to hit her over the head with it.

- That's bullsh..., Ramona. - All right.

- You shouldn't say... And it's me.

- It's not me. - It's not... Yeah, it is.

- I asked you if you wanted to know.

- Tell me anything, darling. - It's your rude way

of trying to tell you something. - Yeah.

But it's a very rude way of trying to tell her something.

Ramona really has no bedside manner.

I mean, she is the Dr. Kevorkian

of delivering sensitive news.

- I never want you to think that I'm trying to you with

some perfect thing. - Sonja? Sonja!

Get in the pool now, bitch!

- Get in the pool! - Take it off now!

- Yeah! - Oh, my God!

- Now!

I'm seeing double and feeling single.

All right, I'm coming. - [ screaming ]

- Where you going?! [ laughs ]

- Yeah!

- [ shouts indistinctly ]

- We are the rebellious ones!

[ barking ] This is the Burning Man.

- Yay! - Sonja!

[ thud ] - Sonja!

- [ screaming ] - [ shouts indistinctly ]

- Get in her and... - You are... ing crazy.

- [ laughing ] [ water splashes ]

♪♪♪♪♪

- Thank you. - That's the show.

- Yeah!

- Yeah, fully butt naked.

- I knew it!

- Go! [ water splashes ]

- Mama! - Whoo!

- [ laughs ] - Ooh, la la!

- That's right, bitch!

You guys, like... [ speaks indistinctly ]

- I know. How are you? - We care less... Oh, Lord.

- Oh, my God! - [ screaming ]

- I feel like a kid! I feel like a kid!

- I might be jealous. I might actually be jealous.

- No, seriously. - Dorinda!

- Whatever! I don't give a sh...

- I want you to make a commitment.

Don't say anything mean about him anymore.

- I didn't... I was like...

Well, I didn't mean to. I was just start.

- And it broke my heart. He loves you.

- I love him.

When Dorinda first dated John, no one could get it.

We're like, he's just not like Richard.

- You're full of sh... - No. You did.

- You're full of... - We... we can leave here

- I want them out of here. - We can leave.

- He's not as well-spoken, as intelligent, as dignified...

- Go. You go. - What are you doing?

- He's very rude. - O.M.G.!

...as suave, as chic, as traveled...

This is what you're with, Dorinda?!

- How dare you. - How dare you!

We like, "What are you doing with John?"

- How many times have you done this?

- Like, never.

- And now you can take your bra off.

When I was going out with John McEnroe...

- Never!

- ...he got in the hot tub in his whitey tighties on.

Everybody else was naked. Don't be a wet blanket.

- Don't be a wet blanket, Tinsley.

Don't be a Park Avenue wet blanket. I hate those.

- Oh! How nice are those boobies?

[ boing ] - Whoo!

I love 'em! I love 'em! I love 'em! I love 'em!

- [ shouting indistinctly ] - Luann!

- Hold on. Uh... let me think about that.

- Aah!

- [ laughs ]

- Coming up...

- Don't get all socialite with me, Tinsley!

- You don't... [ shouts indistinctly ]!

- Don't get all socialite with me!

♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪

- Aah! Aah!

- Oh, my God. - All right, let's go, guys.

- Hey, the girls are in the pool, naked. [ laughs ]

They don't care. - Maybe I'm...

Maybe I don't wanna do it again.

Maybe it's just too much of a commitment.

But maybe... - All these naked nymphets.

Nymphets! Nymphets! Neptune's nymphets.

You're Neptune's babes. - [ screaming ]

- I cannot believe Tinsley,

who doesn't even wanna wear a bathing suit without a wrap,

was topless in the swimming pool.

I'm just thinking, "What will Dale think of this?"

- Oh! Ehh, stop! A-bup-bup!

- Oh, my God. You're topless.

- Well, then you need to get that done.

- [ gasps ] - You need to cover that.

No, it doesn't look good. - What, they're saggy?

- No, no, no, just... - Body shame me again!

- No, they're... - Body shame me!

- No one is body shaming you. - Do it, Dorinda.

- Just... just... - Do it.

- 'Cause you know why? You have a daughter.

Just put some nip... No, I'm gonna do it for you right now.

- Her knows that she has breasts.

- Here we go. Okay, but... - That's true, she does.

She does know. - She does know.

- This is a group of girls that hasn't seen a midriff

for 20 years. Now we got a midriff and nipples?

Too much.

I'm gonna make you a star. - [ speaks indistinctly ]

- [ laughs ] - [ speaks indistinctly ]

[ groans ] Sorry, Dorinda.

- Okay, put the top...

I, Dorinda Medley, for the first time in a long time,

am speechless.

Like an alien movie... Wings!

Right from the vagina! [ chuckles ]

And presenting...

- Ohh! What a job! [ clapping hands]

Beautiful girl!

- Look at how beautiful she looks! No, look at...

- I know. I'm not just trashy tattoos anymore.

- That's beautiful. - [ chuckles ]

- All right, girls, I'll see you in the morning.

I'm gonna go to my girlfriend's party.

- Ramona, stop! - So see you tomorrow! Love you!

- No! No! Turn the music up. - All right you kidding me?

You're gonna leave your guests at home and go to a party?

- No, you're not. - Girls, I wanna go out.

I have a lot of energy. Remember? I have energy.

I don't feel bad about leaving. They were all invited.

They're just gonna drink themselves to sleep.

- Luann, get on the gravy train! [ laughs ]

Soul Train! [ laughs ]

- I'm gonna stay home for this?

I'll see you mañana. - Where are you going?!

I'm going to a... - To another party?!

- To my... - With other people.

- To my hundred superficial friends.

- Uh, Ramona... Yes, you got that right.

To your other hundred superficial friends.

Really, you walk out that door,

I'm not gonna break bread with you tomorrow.

Even for Ramona, who can't stay in one place

for more than a minute, this is a new low.

- I'm gonna go, babe. - What the...?!

She has to go to another party. - I love you. I'm going home.

- Ramona needs to stay here and party.

Why does she have to go to another party with other people?

- She shouldn't leave her guests, that's for sure.

- Well, I'm gonna stay here and party with the other tramps.

- The winner of the Worst Hostess Award

goes to Ramona Singer! [ blows raspberry ]

- Ramona has to go because...

- Why does Ramona have to go? Why?

- Because... because the opportunity cost

of not going is that she won't meet a man.

- Ah.

- That's why I wanna get back to you, Elyse.

We're really good friends. We... We know each other spiritually.

You're... you're a smart woman.

You work really hard, and so do I.

When you used the word "accessory"...

- You took it the wrong way.

- ...in the same sentence as me, I nearly clocked you.

- But you know what, Sonja? - I've known you for so long.

- Sonja... Sonja... - But do you know that I was

trying to empower you? - She doesn't get it.

- What she's trying to say is that "be you."

- All I'm saying is that you're more powerful

than you ex-husband's last name.

- Don't burn bridges!

- You don't understand, so just listen to me quickly.

- You're right. I don't... I don't understand that life.

- I would... - I don't.

And... all that sh...

- I knew Sonja before she was a Morgan.

- We knew each other before I married J.P. Morgan's grandson.

And you know what? You're a very smart, powerful woman.

When you threw out the "explicative"...

Is that the word? "Explicative"?

You said... you said, "You were just an accessory."

I go, "Where'd you pull that out? I'm not an accessory."

- Sonja! - Why did you say that?

- Bitch, the yacht has sailed.

You know what? Lose "Mortimer," lose "Morgan."

It's all good. - Can you stay outta this?!

I'm talking to my friend... - No, I'm not staying out of it!

- ...that I know 17 years. - Bitch, do you know what?

- I wanna talk to her about what she said to me last night.

- 1985 is gone! [ champagne splashes ]

It's over!

...J.P. Morgan! Yeah, I said it.

- Get me another one, I'll... him.

- You're way too chic. You're too chic.

- When did this party become Occupy Hamptons? I don't get it.

You know, you got a chip on your shoulder.

- Yeah, I do! - By the way...

[ speaks indistinctly ] - You got a problem!

You got a problem! - I grew up

much differently than you. - You know...

- I grew up like Dorinda. - She has a problem, too,

about it! - Stop! Leah...

- She didn't want to put my logo on my shoes!

- The shoes are amazing.

- The deer's from the... My family crest.

- Who's your family? - It's from my ex-husband.

- Oh, it's your... Your husband's family.

I would feel like an idiot to walk around

in Ralph's family's tartan.

It's not your family crest.

- [ shouts indistinctly ] - Are you... ing kidding me?!

That's my family! What do you care about my family?!

- 'Cause you're not a Mortimer!

- I'm a Morgan! - [ speaks indistinctly ]

- Yeah, I'm a Morgan! - You're not a Morgan, darling.

- Yes, I am! - You're not. You guys!

- [ shouts indistinctly ] - Let it... ing go!

Let it go! - [ screaming ]

- Let it go! - [ shouts indistinctly ]

- You're not a Morgan! Your daughter's a Morgan. You're not.

It say JPM's grandson married to Sonja Morgan!

- Sonja! Sonja! Sonja! - [ shouting indistinctly ]

- I'm not getting any sleep.

- The Morgan... ing yacht has sailed!

[ both shout indistinctly ]

- Uh, maybe this is why Leah stopped drinking for a while.

- Don't get all socialite with me, Tinsley!

- Don't get all socialite with me!

- Don't say that to her.

- Tinsley, I'm always on your side.

- Calm your asses down. Calm your ass down.

- No, you're a hater! - I'm not a hater.

I want you to... ing let to go.

Let it go! - I gotta go pee.

- Tinsley... - [ screeches ] What?

-...let it... ing go.

- Why does she care?

She's never lived it.

You don't... - Sonja!

- You don't know it! You never lived it!

Why are you... why do you care if we are proud of our roots?

- Because you know what? They're not...

- She married into Mortimer... - Guess what?

- ...I married into Morgan, and we love it.

- Sonja, you're so much... - I'm much more than just

some bitch that married a Morgan.

I was everything... - Then let go of the last name.

- ...before I married him! - Let go of the last name!

- You... you need to... - Let go of the last name!

- You know what? Tinsley build a brand

based on the fact that she married...

- [ kisses cheek, laughs ]

- ...she married Mortimer. - I love you.

I love everybody. - Let her have it.

- Babe! - No, let her have it.

Let her have it! - So... you know what?

Let everybody... everyone... [ mutters ]

- Let her have her name!

- If this go went into go therapy,

the therapist would commit suicide.

- You are a hater! Good night, Irene!

♪♪♪♪♪

- Sonja, come on and do face masks!

Wanna do a face mask? [ sighs ]

- Whatever you're doing, I wanna do it.

- Okay, that's go. You're waking up fresh.

I brought these.

What was that last night?

- I feel hurt that Leah made some assumptions about me

and never even asked me about those things.

She didn't even bother to get to know me.

Ramona's gonna go ape sh... At the condition of the house.

When I got my coffee, I almost died.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Good morning.

Oh. - Yeah.

- Oh, thanks, ladies, for cleaning up. [ laughs ]

Oh, God. - I'm gonna help, obviously.

- I-I really don't think I should be doing any of this.

- I just don't know where to put, you know...

There's glasses in a wine glass.

There's a vibrator in the chicken.

- What?! - Yeah.

- Oh, my God. I-I don't... I have to laugh. Otherwise, I'd cry.

Really? Really?

Disgusting.

- I don't even wanna look outside.

- What's going on outside?

- No, I mean, pe... You know, who knows?

- What happened out there? - I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know?

You were here. - I know...

- What do you mean you don't know?

Okay. Fine. Let's look outside. Uh, how did the torches...

Oh, my God, the... [ gasps ] This is not cool.

Oh, no!

♪♪♪♪♪

- Let's look outside.

[ gasps ] This is not cool. Okay, this is ridiculous.

Okay, this is really bad! This is disgraceful.

Uh, how did the torches... Oh, my God, that's...

What were they doing? Throwing torches?

This is torch fluid! This is not cool!

Really? Really? Really?

Talk about no respect.

I'm actually... I'm not mad. I'm not angry.

I'm actually pissed.

A champagne bottle is in the pool?

Are you kidding me?

What were they doing?

Dorinda! Sonja! Get your asses down here!

So disrespectful. Okay, this is ridiculous.

This is really bad. - Hmm.

My memory's a little cloudy...

I hate these things.

- Oy.

- The tiki torches? Oh, yeah.

Ugh!

Kinda, like, remember getting mad at them.

[ whoosh sound ]

- Mother... Fo's.

- Honestly, I hate these tiki torches!

- I was already upset about this and containing myself.

But whoever did that outside in the yard

really was showing such disrespect.

I'm gonna go find those girls.

- That is my hairbrush. - Oh, sorry.

- [ laughs ] - I do this at home. I'm sorry.

- That's not really how I operate.

- [ laughs ] Not really.

- Sonja! Dorinda! - Oh, God.

- Hide! - She's mad about the house!

- Sonja? Dorinda? - [ whispers ] Shh! Hide!

- Sonja? Dorinda? Are you under those covers?

- [ shushing ] - 'Cause you better be hiding

'cause I feel like getting the strap out like my father did

and, like... - She can't see us.

- ...hitting you on the ass with a wire hanger.

- She can't see us! She can't see us! She can't see us!

- Because I went downstairs. That kitchen's a sh... hole.

- She's like the boogeyman! - And what the heck

did you do outside? - We don't see her.

- Like, what were you doing? Like, throwing the torches?

- How would you know? You left for another party!

- Listen! I am on a mission to find a partner,

and I actually danced with some men

and I actually got a nice date out of it, so there you go.

- Oh, there's something new! A date!

- Well, there you go. [ speaks indistinctly ]

It all fell apart here after you left.

- What the heck happened?

I know it fell apart in my kitchen and outside.

- Leah definitely is a bad influence on me.

- On you? You don't need help from anybody.

You're just an influence on your own.

- I said... Yeah.

- She threw a tiki, and I threw a tiki, too.

- I wasn't part of that, not the tiki throwing.

- Oh, you threw the tiki? - No, she... she was...

She was throwing the... - Leah!

So, Leah, I was told... - Look.

- ...that you... - By the way.

- That's beautiful.

So I was informed you started the tiki fight.

- Oh, really?

I tend to do things extra.

Sometimes I drink extra. But I didn't hurt anybody.

I just, like, you know, threw tiki torches.

But I think... - Listen, I enjoyed having you.

- ...the cleaning of the kitchen...

- Right. Negates the flying of the torches?

- Yeah. - Well, can you do me a favor?

- Of course I'm going to.

- Get Sonja and pick up the torches?

I have to say that Leah, she's no dumb cookie.

I think she purposely didn't tell me

that she threw the torches and saw my reaction,

and then cleaned that kitchen up so fast

I couldn't even be that angry with her.

Smart, Leah. You're smart. Okay, I give you that.

Sonja and Dorinda! - I'm coming!

- "I'm coming. I'm coming."

- Why are we getting blamed? We're not the crazy person.

- They said they're gonna come down, and they're not down here,

and they're pissing me off.

- What's that? - No, it's just that, you know,

I've had people here every weekend in my home.

- Okay? - Okay.

I never woke up to a kitchen like this.

- Well, I know when I have people at my house,

I don't expect them to clean at night.

When you come to my house in the Berkshires...

- You know what? - ...I don't see you off...

- I don't have live-in help, so....

- I don't have live-in help either.

- You have Lindsay. - Then get some help

when you have company. I don't come to...

- It's called pitch in. - I didn't... You left!

- Just say "sorry." - When the madame left...

- Don't turn it on me. - ...you expected all of us

to clean for you? - Why are you turning on me?

"Oh, well, you know..." [ muttering ]

No, Dorinda. You suck. Who does this?

Who does this?

I didn't say clean. There's a... ing sh... hole.

- No, you should've stayed here last night...

- I didn't have to stay.

- ...and said, "Let's all clean together."

- Did you leave? - Yeah, she left.

- Don't turn it on me. - You left here?!

- In fact, next time, leave instructions.

I'll wash the toilet as well.

I know what it's like, Ramona, when people come to your house

and don't respect it.

Who would ever do a thing like this?

It's funny. Karma's a bitch.

When Ramona came to my house a couple years ago,

she ripped out all my paintings.

There were lights on the wall. She ripped them down.

The room's a disaster. Disaster.

I'm sending you up next weekend to paint it.

- All right. I'll do it.

- I don't know. I felt depressed about it.

The cajones of Ramona.

- All you have to say is, you know what?

Sorry. And if you were here to help, it wouldn't happen."

- I... That's it. But you started off like this.

"I just wanna say this 'cause I'm really upset."

That's not a good way. Say, "You know what?

"Everybody, I went out. You went to bed.

"Everybody, come on. Get up this morning

and clean up the kitchen. Would you give me a hand?"

- Just keep fighting, ladies.

Don't worry about the tiki torches in the backyard.

- I was fine until I went outside

and I saw the sh... hole out there.

- Well, I don't know. I went to bed.

I don't know what happened outside.

- It was really bad. - What happened outside?

- Just go look. Go look. - Okay.

- It's not that bad. I mean, I feel like the kitchen

was worse than outside. - The tiki things are all over.

And then the oil. - And I cleaned it all.

- The oil went all over the grass, you know.

That could've started a fire or something.

- What is this? - I don't know.

And look, there's a... - Now this is ridiculous.

- That's what got me upset. - The kitchen's one thing.

- Okay? I was upset... - But look at this. Lookit!

- I know! - This is like a frat house.

- Thank you! Thank you. That's what made me get really upset.

Okay? Because this is very disrespectful.

- Well, I would never do this. - This is my home!

- Yes. Well, now you know how I feel. [ laughs ]

- Yeah, I do! Leah, get out here!

- All right, I take responsibility...

- This is disgusting. - ..for the tiki torches.

- And now you ruined my stove with the oil!

- I felt like I was in "Game of Thrones."

I got carried away. I...

- I mean, this is "Game of Thrones"?

You thought you were at the Playboy Mansion.

- Leah, there's another one over there, please.

Lookit! [ speaks indistinctly ]

What... what was going on? [ scoffs ]

- I wasn't over there. I don't know who did that.

That wasn't me. - "I don't know who did this."

- I'll pick them up. - Unbelievable, these girls.

- I... ing hate tiki torches. [ torches clatter ]

- Where's Tinsley? - I don't know. Get her up.

- Sleeping.

- I don't even care at this point.

- [ snoring ]

- Next time on...

- So we're the last day of Fashion Week.

It's our first show of the new Sonja by Sonja Morgan.

[ cheers and applause ]

- Whoo!

- I try to, like, please my mom.

My mother was by specific about not wanting me to have

my hair curled the day of the show.

- What?!

- You know everything's all good.

- I disagree. When you said you were gonna have a drink,

I think it's a destructive path.

- John never misses the opportunity to make it.

- Too... ing close.

- Sometimes I think the relationship gets stunted.

Like, fine, go off and go on your own then.

Just like I haven't returned a phone call for two days.

- Leah, are you wearing a Sonja dress?

- I was supposed to wear this.

- You know what? I told you... - Here. Seriously!

- I gave you a nice bag! - Bullsh...!

No, listen, I think you're full of sh...

And I think you're passive-aggressive.

- For more on the "Real Housewives,"

Subtitles Diego Moraes(oakislandtk) www.opensubtitles.org