Original subtitles

- Previously on...

- The basement? - It's a lower level.

- The lack of Ramona's consideration

is just mind-blowing.

She's got some [bleep] nerve.

I just wish I had someone that could step in and say,

"I'm gonna make it all better,

There's nothing carefree about me anymore.

I'm not nice to anybody.

- And if she forgets it, you just need to turn around

and bend over. - Oh, my God!

- Like, do you ever leave, like,

your little 1%, Upper East Side bubble, ever?

- Hi! - Oh, my God!

- Christina, lovely to see you. How are you?

- Oh, my God, my other girlfriend. Hi!

[ cellphone rings ] Hey, Lori, I'm in the Hamptons.

- Are you here or are you sort of here?

- She just called me.

- I feel like we're being ignored.

- How can you socialize too much?

Okay, I'm a single woman. I need to be social.

I mean, get over it. - Just be present with us.

That'd be great. - I am present.

���

- I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong.

- I'm no one's accessory. I'm the whole lifestyle brand.

- I don't need to find love. I love myself.

- I may float like a butterfly, but I sting like a bitch.

- Life isn't a fairy tale,

but I'm hoping mine's the exception.

- Raise the curtains, lower the lights.

I'm taking center stage in my life.

���

- Oh, my God, Sonja. You've got the glue all over your face.

- It... it dries clear. No, but look at on your forehead.

I mean, on your forehead... - Yeah, you just roll it off.

- Girls, we're not going to a party, just the vineyard.

- Look who's talking!

You're dressed like you're going to Studio 54!

- Do we like that going up like that?

You can see the shoe more.

- No. Leave it down.

You like it down? - Yes. Absolutely.

- Having these five women stay with me,

I gotta make sure they're not bored and fighting.

Children, are you ready? The little girls. [ giggles ]

We're first gonna go to a winery.

It's just something about bonding together,

you know, the beautiful...

grapes and...

wine trees, whatever you call 'em.

[ laughs ] What are they called?

- Okay, I'm taking this glue with me, like Tinsley does.

Now I know whys she always has glue.

- Oh, Luann's at the chiropractor. That's right.

- The what? - The chiropractor.

Luann... I was thinking, "Where is she?"

- Oh, she's not at the chiropractor.

She's on a boat right now somewhere in the mist.

Surprise, surprise, Luann woke up this morning

complaining about her room.

- Ramona, you got a little spider issue downstairs,

by the way. - I do?

- Yeah. I was brushing my teeth, and then...

� The itsy bitsy spider came down the water spout �

- Oh, God! [ gasps ] - She's like, "I need to go

to the chiropractor." Wink, wink.

- Are we all taking this car? - This is not good.

Yeah, we'll all fit in.

- Oh, those shoes are gonna get wet.

- Oh, my gosh. That's a lotta ass on there.

- You got two... [ laughs ]

Two mama casitas. - Yeah. [ laughs ]

���

- Okay, girls, we're here!

Let's just do it.

- Oh, God, my dress is blowing.

- Oh, jeez. - Whoa!

- It's fabulous.

- Hey, ladies. How are you today?

- Hi. - Hi.

- Any questions about the menu so far?

- What do most people drink?

- The Tom and ros� is the most popular.

- [ speaks indistinctly ] - Sure thing.

- Can I give the merlot? - Of course.

- Oh! [ menu thuds ]

- I mean, I... - She's having a glass of wine.

I thought you don't drink.

- I'm not... I'm not "sober."

I'm... I'm on my... I do my own thing.

I don't consider myself an alcoholic at all.

The reason why I stopped drinking was

because I didn't like what it did to my life.

But that was a long time ago, and now I've been drinking again

for the last six months or so,

and I pick and choose when I'm gonna drink.

And... today I'm choosing to drink.

We're all on our own little journey

and, you know, we gotta figure it out.

- Okay, I'll choose pink, uh, t-tonic.

- Gin and tonic.

- Luann can't come.

- Because she's at her house having a grand old time.

I told you. - Uh, "Hey, girls,

my neck cracked and still have a headache."

- Oh, yeah. - Move on the boat.

- "Doctor told me take it easy, sorry, not gonna make it.

Saving my energy." Okay.

- On the boat, having a great time.

- Doctor said take it easy.

All right, so we'll see you later.

- You know what? I mean, it's a winery.

- Okay. - Right.

- In what world would it occur to you

to invite your friend that's battling sobriety

to a winery and act surprised that she decided not to show up?

Not a bit riddle, guys.

- Oh, here come the drinks, girls.

- Yay! - All right!

- Drinks! Drinks! Drinks!

- I got Tom and ros� in a wine glass.

- Okay, and you know what? She was...

Can you bring a wine glass? - Of course.

- Because she wants hers like this.

- Absolutely. No problem. - Don't worry.

Cheers. Leah...

After 24 hours, we've already gotten her to drink.

- But guess what? The weekend's not over yet.

We don't know... we don't know if she'll last.

- Nervous? Scared? - No, no, no.

I'm scared of what happens when I drink.

- So are we! [ laughs ] - So bring it on.

- All right, so listen, so I think everyone should share

a story about something that makes them vulnerable,

just to show who you are.

- This is like that rose and thorn thing,

but I always am like... - No, there's no thorn.

- ..."What the hell?" - No, this is real [bleep].

The way you bond with someone is to open up,

not like, "Where do you get your hair done?"

or, "Oh, I like your earrings."

Like, no, what do you feel inside?

I had no love from my father.

I didn't know what I was coming home to.

Like, dishes, flying,

screaming, yelling. - The same.

- We are the product of our parents' unresolved issues.

And we get to be the mothers we wanna be.

We get to, like... - I think I broke the chain.

- You broke the chain. We broke her...

- We all broke the chain. We broke the chain. We did.

That's how you get close to someone.

That's how you get to know someone.

So I'm gonna start first. Think about it.

All right, so basically, I grew up in

a very destructive household. - Yes.

- When I was about 15 years old,

I didn't know what was gonna happen with my life.

And I'd play my music on the record player

and I look out the window, and the clouds in the sky,

and I would just be thinking, "Where am I going with my life?"

- One day, yeah. - "What is out there for me?"

- You didn't know how you were gonna get there.

- Well, now, years later, I'm driving home from the Hamptons,

and all of a sudden, I flashback.

- You're there. - I felt... I felt like

I was 16 years old.

Where am I going?

I don't know where I'm going with my life.

I'm being serious. I don't know where I'm going.

- I getting goose bumps. - I'm, like, crying already.

Like... - I don't know where I am.

[ voice breaks ] And I started crying for my mother.

I said, "Mommy! Mommy!" Like, "Help me!"

- Oh, my God! I didn't think you were so self-realized!

I thought you were avoiding that.

- No. My mother died, like, 12 years ago,

and I'm in the car, crying for my mother like a little kid.

What's really important in life is,

"Do you feel safe with a person?"

And I don't have that in my life, and that's what

really, really kind of scares me to the core.

But, I mean, I don't wanna admit to it, not even to myself.

I don't know what I wanna do. - You're like, "What's next?"

- Yeah! Thank you! - Yeah.

- What's next, mom? - Yeah. Right.

- But imagine yourself in my position,

not having a child and having that same feeling.

That same feeling. - Well, why don't you share?

- I don't really know where I'm going, either.

But at the same time, if that's how you're feeling,

at least you have something you've, like, done.

Like, you have a kid. Like, you can check that off.

- I know. - I don't have that.

- Do you feel lost? - And all of you guys have that.

You've checked it off. - Do you feel lost?

- Yeah, that's right. - It's not a thing to check off.

It's deeper than that. - You shouldn't be...

You shouldn't be checking a box. One of my frustrations with you

is... 'Cause I do enjoy you, Tinsley...

But I do feel like...

I-I was watching the Discovery Channel

the other night. Don't... Just hear me out,

then you can be mad at me.

And they were talking about icebergs.

Expect the amazing thing about an iceberg is,

as big as and beautiful as it is on the surface,

90% of the iceberg is under the water.

- Right, I... - And I sometimes feel like

we're only seeing the 10%. It's not because

we wanna be nosy. - Like, you have a boyfriend.

Somebody told me you have a boyfriend.

Like, you haven't even told us yet.

- I didn't even know about the new boyfriend!

- Yeah.

- Coming up...

- Right after high school,

I went to rehab for three months.

When my parents came to come get me, they were like,

"You're not coming home, but we did find

a halfway house for you to live in that's run by nuns."

- Like, you have a boyfriend. I didn't even know about

the new boyfriend! - Yeah.

- I started dating this guy, Bruce, in March.

He's from Chicago.

He has three children. He has two ex-wives.

The whole thing. - Wow!

- So it's very different for me

because I've never been around children,

and I pride myself in the fact that, like,

I was, like, immediately, like, able to, like,

deal with it and, like, be a part of his family.

- [ speaks indistinctly ]

- Ex-wives and the kids. - That's a lot.

- We all hung out together.

I mean, this is why I haven't really talked about him

'cause I don't really know if this is going to be

a long-term situation because... - Right.

- I'm not used to being, like, one of, like,

an army of people. - And he's [bleep] selfish!

- Where do I fit in? [ laughs ] - He's [bleep] selfish.

And he hasn't realized what a hot...

- Now we're... This is the iceberg!

- He doesn't... he doesn't realize what a hot bitch he has.

- Uh-oh! - And he's taking you

for granted. - Whatever.

So this is what happened, because I saw Leah,

and we talked about Bruce a little bit.

- Do you feel like waiting to see him,

do you feel like you're wasting time?

- I'm always feeling that way,

that I'm walking through a relationship with a man

who has three kids, and I problem won't have my own and...

- Yeah. - So...

It's hard.

The problem is that I've had three different times

in Chicago, whether it was my birthday or his son's birthday

or another kid's birthday or his...

A lot of family was happening,

and I was like... just like, "I can't deal.

I need some alone time with you."

- Of course you do. That's important.

- But also, he was having his social life

with his [bleep] friend, and that's crazy.

- Right, so it was like... - I mean, that's okay,

but, like, what about just you and him, right?

- Bruce and I are really not in the best place.

I mean, I don't really love being, like,

number six on the totem pole.

So I just don't think that I see this really working out.

- That's a [bleep] boy. Are you [bleep] kidding me?

- But that's not... I mean, that... [ speaks indistinctly ]

- When you say he's a [bleep] boy,

is he a good lover? Not even?

- No. No, a [bleep] boy is not good.

How do you not know what that is?

How do you think that's something good?

It doesn't even, like, sound good.

- I appreciate... I appreciate you sharing it. I appreciate it.

Okay, so, Leah, tell us something about you.

- Right after high school, I went to rehab for three months

'cause I was having some... issues.

And so when my parents came to come get me

after the three months' rehab, and then they were like,

"You're not coming home."

- Really? - What?!

- And I was like, "Well..." - Can you imagine

telling Hannah, "You're not coming home"?

- I was a really [bleep] up teenager.

I put my parents through hell.

My mother was like, "Hy, we really can't have you

"in the house anymore because you're disrupting

your brother and sister's life."

And I was like, "where am I gonna go?"

Like... And they're like, "We... You're not coming back

"to our house. We can't have you there.

We don't want you there." - Whoa!

- Where was home? - In Connecticut at the time.

They were like, "You're not coming home..."

- [ gasps ] - "...but we did find

a halfway house for you to live in that's run by nuns."

And I was like, "You've gotta be [bleep] kidding me."

So they drove me all the way to upstate New York

and they drop me off at this nunnery.

And the [bleep] car drove off, and I remember

the dust was all clouding up, and I was looking at my feet,

like, "What's happening to my life?" You know?

Now I realize that my mother was trying to save my life

because she had to push me out and go,

"You need to face the consequences

of all your actions, all your behaviors."

And honestly, it gave me perseverance

to be like, "I'm starting my own company.

I'm doing things my way."

Because I've already been through the worst.

Nothing can get worse.

- It takes a lot of vulnerability

for Leah to confide to all of us women

what she went through. I feel bad for her.

I do. I can have empathy

because I went through a bit of that myself growing up.

- Oh, God. Mer mer.

- Oh, God.

- And you're next. Come on, Dorinda.

- Well, then give me another napkin.

- All right, give me one, too. - I have been through...

I've been crying for, like, a month now.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

- You're pregnant. - [ laughs ]

- You wanna see a therapist together?

I'm going to a therapist, by the way, so...

- So if I had to give a secret to the world...

- What's the secret?

- I'm scared every day.

- Of what? - Just...

[ cries ] - Oh, my God.

[ crying ] Don't be scared.

Don't... don't be scared, baby. Don't be scared.

- I know everybody thinks I'm so strong and so tough

and so able and so this, and be the... the...

The anchor for everyone's boat.

But sometimes I wanna be the boat every once in a while

and just anchor to someone.

- She's very overwhelmed with her home.

- It's not that I don't have...

I have a strong family. I have a boyfriend that love me.

I have a daughter that loves me.

Hannah's very dependent on me still.

John's very dependent on me.

My family, my house, my this.

I'm always running the show.

- No, you do everything for everybody.

- My life has gotten very heavy.

I wake up worried. I go to bed worried.

And I'm not with anybody that can help me with this.

John has never had this kinda life

where there's been homes and... and...

And responsibilities like this.

I need a partnership.

Quite frankly, I'm tapped out.

- But maybe it's a wake-up call that you can't do this, like,

for everyone. You need more for you.

You need something.. - Yeah.

- ...'cause there's too much pressure on you.

- Honestly, so much pressure goes on women.

It's insane. We have to do everything.

- Everything. - Like, I know men are supposed

to... they think they're the "stronger" ones?

No, it's the women.

- All right, Sonja, you're next! - You're next!

- Wait, I gotta go back. Wait, I gotta go back to my seat.

- Um...

I saw Ramona, I guess a week ago,

and I just lost my [bleep]

sort of like Dorinda does every 15 minutes.

- [ laughs ] - Um...

You get to a point... - It's true!

- You get... you get to a point like Ramona, where you say,

"Where am I going now?"

How did I get here? All I do is work,

[bleep] pay bills, and I just have one foot in nursing home,

and I'm like, "But I didn't sign up for this!" Ramona!"

...so my Venetian plaster and my Gracey wall paint...

Oh, my God. It's just so bad.

...and then you die and you catch some dick on the way.

I mean, the dick's good.

...you've always been run out of the house.

Daddy's got a shotgun.

...you know those onesies? - Yeah.

- At worst, could be big babies.

...so I'm also saying, "What do I wanna do?"

���

- I thought we were expressing our hearts.

- I think I need the oxygen tank.

[ laughs ] - Correct.

- Get it here and now, please.

- Sonja's had a couple drinks and she's used this opportunity

to tell us everything except

for what she's vulnerable about right now,

which she is vulnerable about a lot of stuff,

but she's talking about everything else.

Stop her!

- I'm gonna go 'cause I'm gonna go check out

where we're having the party tonight.

- Well, let's all go. I think we're all ready.

- No, no, you're gonna go back to the house.

I'm gonna go to, um, Farrell's house.

Tonight, I have this fabulous cocktail party planned

at my friend Joe Farrell's home.

31,000 square feet in Bridgehampton, beyond stunning.

Their mouths are gonna drop.

- That was great, Ramona. That was great.

- Oh, my God. Leah, Leah...

- Thanks for making us do that painful shit.

I think my daughter... she goes, "What's Leah like?"

Well, I didn't think I'd like a girl with tattoos.

She goes, "Mommy!" - Oh, my God.

I'm getting them all removed! Leave me alone!

[ glasses clink ]

- Coming up...

- I'm not arm candy! I don't shave my pussy!

- Can you stop screaming? - I don't shave my legs.

- Oh, my God, you're driving... Stop screaming.

���

���

- What are you wearing tonight?

- I am wearing this black high-neck dress, long sleeve.

[ speaks indistinctly ], maybe blue.

- Mm-hmm. - It's cute, short, honestly.

- Oh, my God.

- I don't think I'd ever even consider it a date

because it was, like, the lamest date ever.

- He took you to a [bleep] basketball game.

- I know. We just, like, sat there, and we left.

And did he even, like, feed you or anything?

- I found out, when I was on my date with Joe Farrell,

that he knows Ramona and that he went on a date with Bethenny.

So I could just tell he's not my type.

I don't think he drinks either, so he's definitely not my type.

- Oh, my God, I've been doing ros� all day and I feel great.

- Hey, girls.

- Luann! - I'm home!

- Yay, Lu!

- I'm gonna go down and, um, just freshen up a little bit.

- Why don't you do your makeup in my bathroom? Come up here.

- I can do that. I'll bring it upstairs.

I don't wanna miss any moment

of bonding with the ladies at this moment,

but I'm glad I went to take care of my neck.

I did not sleep well last night between the smell

and the spiders coming down from the ceiling.

It was not comfortable.

- Dorinda, do you have my white shawl, please?

I wanna use it tonight. - Yeah, right here.

- How was the venue? - Pardon?

- How was your afternoon after you left?

- Well... I had a date. [ laughs ]

- You are kidding me.

I've never seen a person be able to slip in and slip out of dates

so quickly.

I mean, she's like sliding doors.

- I had, like, two dates tonight.

- [ laughs ] Oh, my God! You look awesome!

- One for drinks, one for dinner.

I don't want you to get upset with me...

- But you're starving. - No. I'm fine.

- Then what? - But I need to leave at 8:00.

- What time? - 8:00?

- Do you.

- On a date. Oops! Off. Whoops! Went on a date.

Went on a date. Hey, went on a date.

It's... it's... it's... It's impressive.

Is he gray-haired, like you said?

- No. He has, like, dark hair. He's dark. He's Persian.

- Really? So he's sexy. I like that.

- He... Yeah, he's very. And he's more flirtatious than me.

- I think is sounds amazing.

- Ah! You know, I'm just going with the flow.

- Do you have a... - Hi, girls.

- Yes. - Hey, Lu.

- Hey! - Hi! Hi!

- Wow! That's looks pretty. - Thank you.

And you look beautiful, too. - Very nice.

- Hi, missy. - What's going on here?

- What do you mean?

- You're doing the Laura Ashley thing

or the Ralph Lauren thing again.

- You have allergies? - I do.

- Is it all the flowers you're wearing?

- They're all fresh. I just picked them out of my garden.

- I think it's a beautiful dress,

but I'm not sure if I like the sweater with it.

I would do the sweater over. - It's a sweater.

- It's cold. - It's freezing.

- No, no, I'll get you a jacket. I don't like the sweater

with it. - Freezing.

The sweater throws it off. - Oh, do the jean jacket.

- Different areas have different styles,

and that floral dress does not belong in the Hamptons.

It belongs in Nantucket, or maybe in Atlanta, Georgia.

- What were you doing? [ pounds countertop ]

Were you on the boat and having super sex?

- Yeah, right. [ laughs ]

- She's just not feeling well. Come on.

We just wish you were there with us, that's all.

- [ speaks indistinctly ] - That's why, yeah.

- I am so glad I missed that lunch.

By the looks of it, Sonja's been way overserved,

and we haven't even gotten to the party.

- Tinsley, Leah, you ready?

'Cause if not, you can take the second car.

We have two cars. I gotta go 'cause I'm the host.

Maybe they left already.

- I wish I could've... Maybe... - Hello? Girls?

���

- Lookin' good, bitches.

Where's Ramona? Screaming? - These guys are all, like,

dolled up for a New York party. I'm like...

- I'm just wearing this 'cause this is all I have.

- How long have you been coming here?

- 35 years. - That's amazing, isn't it?

So the guy... the host's name is Joe Farrell.

- Yeah. And he did... He's a major developer here.

- Right.

- He's huge. He's huge. He's huge.

- Finally gonna see the house of Joe Farrell.

I'm very curious.

- Wow. Ramona Singer pulls it out of her hat again.

The social butterfly of the group.

She needs to really be knocked down a notch.

She's like, "This one is my friend because I go to plumbing.

This one is... [ mutters ] because I go on yachts."

And I go, "You know, really, it's not a good look."

- This is my friend's place. Campbell, Bobby Campbell.

- Beautiful. - He's the guy who invented

the lights on kids' sneakers.

- I'm trying to hang on to my long-term friends,

and those people are your people,

but they're superficial friends. They're friends that say,

"Hi. How are you? How's the weather today?"

Next! - Right.

- You know, the rent-a-crowd,

the... the... The party filler people.

- Mm-hmm. - They're not her near and dear.

- Right.

- Ramona is hosting this party at this fancy house

to show us all her fancy friends.

Fancy schmancy.

This is just gonna be another boring party

with stiff people and a lot of small talk.

Sometimes I think my girl Ramona forgets

what's important in life.

���

- Wow.

Beautiful house.

Thank you for letting me use this bag.

- Of course. Looks good.

- I would've been lost. I wanna get it now.

- I know. It's beautiful. - You know, it's... it's like

they're beautiful basically, but it's the best one.

- Hey, David. - Hey, darlin'.

- How are you? - Great.

- I want you to meet my really good friend.

- Hi. - Dorinda, this is David.

[ speaks indistinctly ] - Nice to meet you.

- So excited we're here! - Beautiful house.

- Oh, my God! It's so beautiful.

���

I love this mirror.

You don't understand how much I love standing mirrors.

I have one in my apartment. - This one's beautiful.

- Oh! Oh, God! I-I-I'm in love with this mirror.

- Oh, this is fancy!

- It's "for sale" sign.

- Oh, it's for sale? No wonder we're invited.

[ laughter ] - Right.

[ crickets chirping ] - Are they checking our records?

[ laughter ] - You got your I.D. with you?

- We're never gonna get in. - Oh, my gosh!

- All four of us have mug shots! - Aah!

- All four of us have mug shots!

- I know. We're in the right car.

- We're not gettin' in!

- We're so good, 'cause we are roxy, baby!

- Coming up...

Do I put my... do I put my straps on?

- Just hold on. - Okay. Good.

- Hold on. You ready, baby? - Yeah, baby. Are you ready?

- Oh, my God. - Aah! I feel like a sexy...

- Hold on, Ramona! - Oh, [bleep]! What's going on?

- Whoo!

���

- Uh, here we go, kids.

This party is all about, like, behaving.

- Yeah. - Who wants to behave?

- Aah! Aah! [ laughs ] - Hello. How are you?

- Ramona has her shawl on. Oh, she's so lovely.

Oh, my God...

- [ laughing ] - Oh, hi.

- This is not the type of party I'm used to going to.

It's seriously some "Eyes Wide Shut" [bleep].

People are start putting on goat masks,

and I'm gonna end up being taken in a back room

and be made to be someone's bitch.

- What are you offering?

- It's ros�, sauvignon blanc, and sparkling water.

We have vodka and tequila at the bar

if you'd like something stronger.

- Um, do you have gin? - We do not.

Unfortunately.

- We're in a $30 million house. You don't have gin?

- We don't. - Okay.

Let me follow you to the bar. - All right.

- This isn't the only house this guy has.

He should've invited us to the real house then

with the real liquor. I'll go to Tito's.

- Tito's on the rocks? - Yeah.

I'm taking after you.

- You know my good girlfriend Kathleen Hyster.

You've met her before. - Oh, yeah. Hi.

Nice to see you. Why you being so formal?

Hello. Nice to see you.

- Well, you're being as formal, too.

- Hello there. [ laughs ]

- And this is Christina Disimo's husband George.

- Hi, George! - And this is Tinsley.

And I don't think you ever met Tinsley.

And this is Leah, our new friend...

Her enemy. - Hi. I'm... [ laughs ]

- How are you? - I'm... I'm Leah.

Nice to meet you. - [ speaks indistinctly ]

- How are you? - How are you?

- This is Leah, our friend.

[ laughter ]

Yeah...

- This is hilarious to me.

Sonja legit has, like, lived the way that Ramona's

trying to pretend that she's living right now.

Why? Like, are you kidding me with your pashmina on

and, like, "Oh, how to..." Oh, yes, how do you do, bitch?

Like, I know you! What are you doing?

- Why you being Miss Manners right now?

- 'Cause that's how I am at a party.

- Okay, okay, I mean... - I have my party mode on.

- Just because we're in a $30 million house

you don't have to act like a...

- $39 million. $39.9 million. - ...like a $39 million bitch.

Let's act like we're in your $7 million home, okay?

- What do you want? - Actually, it's 8 right now.

- Okay, fine, let's act like that.

- It went up to 8. Got appraised to 8.5, just so you know.

- You're acting very fancy.

- Give her a lime. - Well, sorry.

- I like to be down-to-earth. I live in a 2-bedroom.

I only 1,100 square feet.

- That's pretty large, still, for a single women.

This is how I act with my friends, my other friends.

I mean, with Sonja, I have to bring myself down

to be with her the way she is.

With my other friends, I have to elevate myself up.

I mean, I'm hosting a party.

What does she expect me to do, hang from the chandelier?

- Here you go. - I'm drinking Tito's

'cause they don't have gin. - Are you chewing gum?

- We went to Wolffer today. - You cannot be chewing gum.

- No, I'm not, Ramona. - Good.

- All right, I'm gonna go drown myself in the pool.

I swallowed the gum.

- [ laughs ] - And now it's burning

in my... 'cause it's, like, spearmint,

and it's burning in my neck.

Her eyes scared the hell out of me.

I just saw, like, this, and then I just swallowed the gum.

Like, oh, my God!

She just scolded me, and I felt like she was a schoolteacher.

This is not, like, the royal family over here.

Do you know what I mean?

- We have a new girlfriend, who's lovely... Leah.

I think she's a classy girl.

She just doesn't look classy, and I told her that last night.

- I think she's quite lovely.

- Yeah, yeah. - She's a beauty, but she...

She looks kinda rough on the edges.

- I hope she's not listening. Where is she?

- I think she knows... - She may not be listening,

but she's gonna hear it. - [ laughs ]

- She knows we care about her. We made it clear.

- 10 years. Long time for me in a house.

- Yeah. Too long, right? - Too big. Too big.

- Hi! How are ya? - Ramona!

- [ speaks indistinctly ] - Hello.

- Thank you for allowing me to host tonight.

I mean, this is, like, an ugly night and this is...

This house is... - It's a beautiful night.

- First of all...

Well, 'cause you're here. - Oh. Okay.

- And we're here in your beautiful home.

And I love the dual fireplaces. I mean...

- I little those for you. - Oh.

- [ chuckles ] - Well, light my fire.

[ both laugh ]

- You know, it is a little bit weird

to see Joe Farrell again, honestly.

I think Joe and Ramona, actually,

would make a good couple.

She's battin' her lashes, and he seems to be into it.

- [ speaks indistinctly ]

- You're insane.

I mean...

Joe is a nice, older gentleman,

but men get to, you know, be short and unattractive

and still have women running after them if they have money.

You know, this is the world we live in.

[ laughs ] - Did you go downstairs?

- You wanna show me downstairs? - Got a basketball court.

It's insane, this house. - All right.

- There's no house like this.

- Uh, sparkling, please.

You know, it's really hard to be at a party like this

and not drink.

The bar is there. Everybody's drinking.

And it's kinda stiff, this party.

Thank you so much. - Enjoy.

- I was really hoping that Leah could be

a good wingman for me and not drinking,

but that's not happening,

and so I feel like I lost my sober companion.

- All right, listen. - I love this yellow on you.

- I want... I've been in Joe's house a few times.

- Oh, have you? A few times? - But I want you to see it.

- Oh, I would love to see it. - So we're gonna do a tour.

Let's go. - Maybe we've been in this house

a few times on our own backs. - [ laughing ]

- Sonja, come on. - This is...

This is really the best room in the house.

If you think this is nice, this is the coolest.

- Oh, wow. There's a bowling alley. That's pretty cool.

- Oh, my God! Ohh! Look at this.

Holy [bleep]! Oh, my God!

- Don't get your panties all wet.

- Tinsley's gonna piss.

- I think your panties are all wet right now, Sonja.

- Yeah! I think Tinsley's gonna get... [ speaks indistinctly ]

- I think they're Niagara Falls right now.

- [ imitates explosion ] Holy [bleep].

You look so hot right now.

Oh, my... I do like your magenta pants.

- Yeah, the house made me hotter, right?

- Oh, my God!

- The house made you real hot. - Oh, yeah.

- Exhibit A.

I rest my case.

- They're touring the basement, if you want to go see it.

- Oh, they're doing a tour? - Yeah.

- I wanna see that. I would love to see that.

- You know what I don't like? I don't like touring houses.

- What? - I think it's tacky.

- Well, they're already down here.

- That's a very American thing.

- [ laughing ] [ thud ]

- [bleep]. I can't do it in heels.

I know. - That was a gutter ball.

- How are you? - Quit while you're ahead.

[ kisses cheek ] - How's it going?

Good. Good to see you. - Hi. Dorinda.

- We know each other. - Nice to meet you.

Beautiful home. - Thank you.

I love all the woodwork and stuff.

I have an old Stanford White house, so I appreciate wood.

- My God, you guys are bowling? I love bowling.

- I lived in London for 10 years with a British husband.

I think that I am very sensitive to things very American.

- When you're invited to a home in London,

they don't take you to the basement

and to every single toilet and loo in the house.

It's generally held to the living room, dining room,

and maybe kitchen. Maybe.

- Did you ever see that before in a house?

- No! [ laughs ] - Look what it says.

- "Stuck on your pleasure palace."

- It's hard to bowl in heels.

[bleep].

- Yes! Yes! [ pins clatter ]

- Oh, my God, Luann! [ cheers and applause ]

- [ laughs ] - That's amazing.

- Almost! - That's amazing!

- Oh, my God. - You're good!

- All right, girls, it's 10,000 square feet.

Let's keep going. - Oh!

Will we measure the moment by feet?

- We got a long night, so just...

- Why don't they have a short night?

- What's Ramona doing?

- This is a half-pipe for the kids inside

if it's raining out. - Oh, my God.

- We have an outside half-pipe.

- Are you kidding me? - I don't like touring other...

- Oh, I hate touring houses. Pfft. By the way,

does this guy really know her?

Who is he?! Does he care about her?

We do! - Exactly.

- There's a world-class DJ booth.

- Are... a DJ booth?

- Major. It goes all over the house, cameras.

- Are you serious?

- They can see all over when they're DJ'ing.

They can DJ in the house. - [ whispers ] Wow!

- I don't think he's interested in Ramona

because she wants to be banged a lot and hard.

- What? - Do I put my...

Do I put my straps on? - Just hold on.

- Hold on. You ready, baby? - Yeah, baby. Are you ready?

- Oh, my God. - Aah! I feel like a sexy...

- Hold on, Ramona! - Oh, [bleep]! What's going on?

- Whoo! - Whoo!

- Hi babe! - How are you?

- Oh, my God, you're really tall.

- Do I what? Hey, girl.

- Elyse has been around this group a long time.

She was married to, um, a very famous hedge fund guy.

She was a girl about town, just like all of us were.

All those girls make it happen in New York City.

God, this is cute. - Thank you. This is...

- Very cute. What is it?

- This is very, very old Cavalli.

- Oh, I could stay here all night.

Hot tub, massage. Hot tub, massage.

Hey, you wanna keep me kept? Right here.

I can be your prison... You know how they say men like...

- Do I wanna keep you captive?

- Do you get to buy clothes with your husband?

- Conservative. - [ speaks indistinctly ]

- You're... you're a smart woman. You're an investor.

You're very intelligent.

But when I married my husband, he would force me to buy clothes

and I would get so embarrassed.

- You were his accessory.

���

- Coming up...

- Party's over. Let's go.

- The party's not over. You're over.

- [ laughs ]

- When I married my husband, he would force me to buy clothes,

and I would get so embarrassed.

- You were his accessory.

- No, no, no. Don't say that.

- I do know you. - Why are you saying that?

- I was not an accessory. I was a partner with my husband!

- You know what? - A partner!

- I remember you... - You know me!

Why are you saying that?! - I do know you.

- Sonja... - Why are you saying that?!

I am a boss bitch.

- Sonja! You're ng this, and you need to do this.

- No, you need to clap, clap, clap!

- Let's just... let's just go. - You don't wanna be

in the drama? - No.

- Why did you say that about me?! Take it back!

I was not an accessory to my husband.

We were partners.

No! [ speaking indistinctly ]

- What do you wanna do now? - I was never a trophy wife.

- Listen. - Take... that... back!

- I take it back. - Take it back! [ kisses ]

- I take it back. - Take it back!

- Tell me, what... - She was a trophy.

You were a trophy wife, not me! - How was I a trophy wife

to Topper?! - You were a trophy wife!

- To Topper? My high school sweetheart?

Who the hell are you talking about?

Yeah, exactly. Cool your jets over there...

- Because it was the early years!

- I'm going upstairs.

I met Topper at boarding school, and he is my same age.

She was a hostess at a restaurant,

when she met her husband, and he was, like, 100.

That's the definition of a trophy wife.

- I'm not arm candy! - You know?

I don't shave my pussy! - [ gasps ]

- Can you stop screaming? - I don't shave my legs.

- Oh, my God, you're driving... Stop screaming.

Sonja is drunk,

but I don't think Elyse should be talking about

being an accessory to a man.

It is no one's business to pass judgment

on who and what role we played

in our husband or partner's lives.

- Oh, I can't take the screaming. I'm going up.

- I know. Why is she... [ speaks indistinctly ]?

- She's off the rails. - Why?

- What did she drink at lunch? - I don't know.

- I came home, had a cup of coffee, and went to sleep.

She shouldn't have kept drinking. She peaked too soon.

- She's gonna be out like a light.

- Either that or it's gonna be a disaster area.

Batten down the hatches. - Batten down the hatches.

- Hi there again! - Hi again.

- This is my new best friend Eddie.

���

- If anybody told me that I'd be spending the weekend

at Ramona's house a year ago, I would say,

"You're out of your mind." - [ laughs ]

Even my kids are like, "Where? What?"

- That's funny. - I left my beautiful house

to stay in a basement... - That's funny.

- ...that smells like dog piss with spiders.

- No wonder why you were there earlier.

- You see what I do for you guys? I mean...

- Yeah. - Unbelievable.

And, you know, there's also a fridge down there

with lots to drink in it. [ chuckles ]

Believe me, I checked.

- Get in! Get in! Go sir with your friend.

- You keep pushing me off.

- Sit with your friend. - I wanna sit with you.

- Sit with your friend with the diamond bracelet.

Sit with your rich friends with the diamond bracelets.

- Stop labeling my friends.

I love Ramona, I love her friends,

but I just think she's treating us friends like [bleep],

Like we're chicken liver.

- No, Ramona loves us. - Chopped liver!

You're chopped liver, but I don't think

you're chopped liver but you think you're chopped liver.

- Chopped liver. - You know, when Sonja

acts like this, there's no wonder why she's not invited

to certain events and parties.

- Thank you for feeding me. - Bread! We need bread!

[ laughter ] Bread in the house!

- I'm not impressed with your rich friends.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, she's on a roll.

Oh, boy. - I got more money in the bank

than any of 'em. - She's on a roll!

- Hi! - Hi!

- How are you? - We're good.

This guy, I think he wants to have sex with me. It's great.

- Who wouldn't wanna have sex with you?

- Well... - Now how old are you?

24? 27? How old is he?

- I like him. He doesn't care I have a gas pocket.

He doesn't care I'm friends with Ramona.

That's my kinda friend.

- Watching Sonja basically eye [bleep] this dude

is the best part of this whole party.

I'm wondering, if he has any tattoos,

is she's gonna say, "Never mind!"

I have a feeling no.

-No, she's going.

Yeah, bring her a club soda. We'll add to this.

- I just need to see your driver's license,

and we're good to go. - Justin.

- Men love my vagina.

I got an amazing vagina.

- [ laughs ] - It's just amazing.

- Hey, girls. What happening over here?

- How's your pussy? - How's my pussy?

Wait a second. Let me check.

- Whoo! [ laughter ]

- Um... it's all still there.

- She just stole the show. - It's all good.

- Yeah, you did, you did.

- [ speaks indistinctly ] - You stole the show.

So we're not gettin' laid tonight?

- We're not getting laid, so let's go.

- It's not happening.

- [ speaks indistinctly ] - No! No, no, no.

- Can we order pizzas at the house?

- Pizzas! - You wanna order pizza?

Are you hungry? - Pizza!

- All right. Hey, hey, hey. - All right.

- Pursuing that, yeah. - Well, I...

- Good to see you. - Not only is she entertaining,

but she's embarrassing.

- Ramona's a party popper. - Party pooper or...

- Pooper. - He's afraid of you.

[ laughter ]

- And now we get to leave! [ laughs ]

- Party's over. Let's go.

- The party's not over. You're over!

Who are you? - How are you?

- Belly to belly! Who are we? - [ laughs ]

- Who are we? Who are you?

- Um... doesn't matter.

-You're so handsome.

- You're gorgeous!

Let's, um... - That's William.

William's married. He's got a baby. Come on.

He's got a baby. [ laughs ]

- Hey. I love you. - I love you.

- Sonja is off the charts.

It's truly like Godzilla has been let loose,

and Godzilla is drunk.

Drunk!

- Luann, we gotta go. We gotta wrap it up.

- Luann! We gotta go! - [ speaks indistinctly ]

- [ speaks indistinctly ] - Come on. Tinsley, let's go!

Let's go! Move it! - Tinsley, come on!

- Okay. Okay. All right. - Let's go.

- Thank you. - Round 'em up! Round 'em up!

Let's go! I'm getting ...ing loud, though.

- My friends really... [ speaks indistinctly ]

- Oh! - Go!

- Oh, my God, the wind! - I don't wanna...

- Stay there. - Aah!

- I wanna be with a guy. - Stay there.

- Oh, my God, it's so windy. - I want that guy.

- No, you're not. - [ shouts indistinctly ]

- Aah! - Careful! Careful!

- No, you're not. - [ speaks indistinctly ]

You're getting' between me and my vagina.

- Stop it! - [bleep] bossy bitch.

- I don't know why she does this to herself.

- [ speaks indistinctly ] - Or to us.

Go, hot driver! - Let me have your drink.

I could've [bleep] that guy.

- Coming up...

- Ramona? We have a problem.

- Luann's left and written

a really out-of-control text.

���

���

-Uh-oh.

- Ramona? Can I come in?

We have a problem.

- Luann's left and written a really out-of-control text.

- Well, you know, I saw a car pull out,

and I thought someone stole my car.

- Want to read it? - Sure.

But read it slow and softly.

- I'm CC'd, so I-I don't know why I'm CC'd.

She writes, "Thank you for your hospitality, Ramona.

"This is not the fish room, part 2.

"I live in a town you drive to every day

"because it's the best, and I have an amazing home.

"I come to you and what do I get?

"Share the bathroom with someone I don't, or the basement

"filled with spiders and the smell of dog piss.

"I'm shocked that I'm always the lowest on the totem pole.

Good night from the lower level."

- I asked her what... if she wanted the room downstairs,

the main floor or that.

I don't know what she's upset about.

I think she just said all that 'cause she just wanted

to go home and not be here.

- Just come up and say, "You know what?

I don't wanna be down there. It makes me feel lonely."

Luann always seems to have a issue with the room.

Vermont...

- I come here. I just got married.

I came all the way from Palm Beach.

Nobody was thoughtful and gave me, like, a nice room.

- Great Barrington...

- Did you ever hear of the saying,

"It's the thought... It's the thought that counts"?

- I know, and you have a beautiful room.

That room is like... I probably...

No, you have an empty room tonight

'cause Madame Bethenny is coming tomorrow,

and you're saving that room for her, who's coming tomorrow.

Ramona's house.

There seems to be a theme going on here.

[ line rings ]

she's not gonna pick up.

- At the tone, please record your message

or press "1" for more options.

- [ whispers ] Careful what you say. Careful.

[ beep ] [ whispers indistinctly ]

- Lu? It's Ramona.

Um, I hope you got home safe.

Um, but most importantly, I'm sorry that you felt

isolated and... and I'm sorry that I wasn't being more aware

of how you were feeling.

I was more concerned on the superficial things,

all that other bullsh...

What's really important is for us to bond together,

and I made you feel separate from everyone,

and I'm sorry for that.

I never meant to make you feel low, on the bottom...

Low on the... - [ coughs ]

- I never get my... - Totem pole.

- Low on the totem pole.

Please come back over here.

Let me think of a way I can make it up to you.

- [ whispers ] Wrap it up.

Anyway, all the best. Call me back.

Bye, bye, bye. [ cellphone beeps ]

No, she felt rejected. - Yeah.

- I get that. You know what? I can understand that.

I never would ever want Luann to feel badly about this.

But I really wasn't thinking clear

'cause I had eight girls, and I'm cooking and I'm cleaning

and I'm shopping, and it's really a lot, okay?

So I [bleep] up.

[ cellphone vibrates ]

���

- Oh, God. Where's my phone?

[ Marley yips ] Who's a good boy?

Oh, my goodness. What happened last night?

I think I had a great time.

Look at you. You look fresh as a daisy.

- Look at you. - Oh, I'm a wreck.

- What happened? - I should've put you...

You always sleep in my room.

[ speaks indistinctly ] when she said,

"Ramona, I'm sleeping with you." [ speaks indistinctly ]

I wasn't thinking. - Oh, yeah.

- You weren't thinking. - Right.

- And now Luann felt neglected. - Did she leave?

- Yes! She left at 1:00 in the morning!

- What?! - Yes!

- W.T.F! - Yes, she left!

Luann was humbled by her probation for about 10 seconds.

But once you put her in the basement,

or as Ramona says, the lower level,

that's just not good enough for Luann.

"Thank you for your hospitality. Ramona!"

- It's not always about you. This is about you.

"You proclaim you love me, but I know that's not true.

Good night from the lower level"!

- Oh, my God. [ laughs ]

- Let's go see the basement.

I wanna see the dog piss and the spiders.

Let's go.

- This is where I-I put Luann.

- Just like a party palace.

This is great. - I like that you have

your own TV area. - I'm gonna scream!

- And look, these are real flowers.

- And they were real flowers! - And she thought they were fake.

- Oh, my God! They're real!

- Does Luann not wanna sleep in Ramona's guest room,

or does Luann just wanna be home?

I mean, is there a bed? Is there a pillow?

Is there television? It's enough!

The most comfortable couch ever.

- It's so huge, you can just hang out here.

We should maybe watch a movie.

- Did you get it at Crate & Barrel?

[ cellphone rings ] - Shh! Shh! Hello?

Don't answer the phone. Don't... [ speaks indistinctly ]

- Hey, Lu.

���

- Next time on...

Round... one!

- Ah! - Whoa!

- Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

- We're here to groom Marley, Sonja's dog.

- You're gonna groom Marley? - Yeah.

- Just, uh, hold on one sec.

Dog groomer? Really?

I'd like to be groomed. [ laughs ]

Oh, my God. This is amazing.

Do you make house calls? - Yeah.

- Aah! - Whoa!

- You drink it!

There's vodka in there. - Ah, it's all right.

- As long as she's drinking around me, I feel like

she's not gonna go off the deep end.

- Yeah!

Let's rock this!

- Whatever! I don't give a [bleep].

1985 is gone! It's over!

- [ screaming ]

- don't get all socialite with me!

- Why does she care?

- I think I'm gonna go.

- Get your asses down here!

- What is this?

- This is my home! - Yes.

- There's a vibrator in the chicken.

- Oh, no!

- For more on the "Real Housewives,"

Subtitles Diego Moraes(oakislandtk) www.opensubtitles.org