All language subtitles for The.Heyday.of.the.Insensitive.Bastards.2017.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H264-FGT

Narrator>> this is the closest i
can come to saying what I have
learned

there's no shortage of
consequence in my life

we need to leave some evidence,

a little of us everywhere

I spent all my time staring in
one direction

and I missed it

the most important moments

were in the edges

there were seven of them.

Karl>> over there

turn around!

Sheriff mallon>> Conrad?

You are going to have to drive

conrad>> you know, you are
really bleeding

get in the car, come on!

Mallon>> hit a deer on the way
here

- clipped her really

she went flying headfirst into a
snowdrift,

was not breathing so I took
the defibrillator over to her

next thing I know she is wide
awake

and she kicks me in the
face-Jesus!

Conrad>> you are bleeding pretty
badly

you sure you do not want me to
take you to a hospital?

Mallon>> no, no. I have taken
some percodan. I can hardly feel
any of this.

Conrad>> there is a lot of blood

mallon>> you - you got your own
burden

mallon>> mother being found
after all these years

hell-i hope we have enough
so you can ID her

conrad>> all I need are the
teeth

mallon >> yeah we should have
those

cleared out the freezer
and put her parts in there

everyone from the station
got to take some venison home

conrad>> guess you folks do not
get a lot of crime up here huh?

Mallon>> no sir. Especially
murder.

Not til we found this body did
we think that he-

literally killed her

speaking of your father-

your aunt thinks you may
have been talking with him?

Conrad>> I have not seen my
father since I left the farm

mallon>> seen is a tricky word.
No contact at all?

Conrad>> no

mallon>> if you have been
talking to him, and you do not
tell us about it

that could be considered
accessory after the fact

mallon>> Abigail, this is
Conrad

do not worry about it,
it is just a cut

abigal>> it is terrible.

Mallon>> you are making a
mountain out of a mole hill.

Conrad>> I told him to go

mallon>> Jesus, oh god. It is
ok, I am ok. Do not help me, i
do not want help

abigail>> we got to get him
patched up

abigail>> do you mind staying
here to hold down the fort?

It is just the two of us and
the deputy has been on duty
since yesterday

everybody and his dog
is sliding off the road

conrad>> you want me to stay
here alone-

abigail>> yes. I know it is
weird, but - ok, thanks!

Okay, come on you

mallon>> no, no, no, no. No,
no! I got work to do!

Conrad>> you really need to go

abigail>> I win. Be strong,
come on. Mallon>> okay

mallon>> sorry about this Conrad

Abigail >> alright, thanks

Conrad >>mm hmm

Karl >>do you know what
that word means?

It is what you do to a woman
when there is no pleasure in it

abigail>> Conrad,
Conrad-

abigail>> Conrad, um -hi

sorry abou that. Hungry?

Sheriff was supposed to put you
up tonight, but he is in no
real position to entertain... so

conrad>> is there a motel?

Abigail>> in Chapman?

No

you are kind of stuck with me...

I am on duty for the next few
ours, so...

The deputy found a new bit of
evidence - murder weapon.

Right about sixty feet from the
bones

the handle was chewed up
like an animal dragged it
all about.

Conrad>> sawed off shotgun?

Abigail>> yeah

conrad>> I looked in the
freezer. It is not my mother.

Abigail>> are you sure?

Conrad>> yeah.
Her teeth were...A mess

it is not her.

Abigail>> well-
i mean, who could it be then?

We do not just have people
unaccounted for

conrad>> it is my father

abigail>> who would have
wanted to kill your father?

Conrad>> himself

abigail>> this happens a lot
this time of year.

I cannot believe I only have
one blanket. Jeez! Brrr.

Conrad>> this day could not get
any weirder

abigail>> what was she like,
your monther?

Conrad>> she would never leave
me alone with my father for more
than two seconds

abigail>> do you think maybe
she is still alive?

Conrad>> no,i do not have any
hope of that

you want to hear something

abigail>> okay

conrad>> about four weeks after
she disappeared,

my father took me
on a walk out in the woods

karl>> over there

turn around

you wet yourself

get up or you will freeze to
stump.

Get on home.
You best hurry up.

Conrad>> when we got back he
started the fire on the stove,

he told me to stand by it,
and he waited the whole time it
took for me to thaw out.

In the morning he was gone.
I never saw him again.

Abigail>> it must be so terrible
for you to be back here. I'm so
sorry

conrad>> no I feel better about
it now.

Abigail>> because you know he is
dead?

Conrad >> it is knowing that he
intended to include himself.

Makes it less personal

narrator >> it
all started when my family moved
from Illinois to new Mexico

mom>> stop it. How many times
have I told you that is bad for
your eyes?

Mom >> stop it

charlie>> is dad going to pick
me up after school?

Mom>> no, you are going to walk
home.

Charlie>> mom!

Narrator >> the
doctor insisted we move to a
warmer climate

for the sake of my father

I remember not knowing what to
do, but knowing that I wanted to
be the least of their worries.

And then I saw him.

All I could remember on my first
day of school was the menacing
look he had on his face.

His name was Bobby bell.

Boy #1>> one, two, three

bobby>> hey, you want to play?

So, know how to play?

Charlie>> what is this game?

Boy #1>> you have to hit
it before it bounces twice

but you cannot hit it before it
bounces

and you cannot let it double
bounce or you are out

charlie>> okay!

Boy #1>> sound simple enough?

Charlie>> yeah I guess.

Bobby>> so, where you from?

Charlie>> uhm, Chicago

bobby>> Chicago. What is your
favorite food?

Charlie>> anything I guess
really

bobby>> tacos?

Charlie>> I guess

bobby>> yeah the rest of the
game though, you have to stand
right here

against the wall, but you cannot
move.

You cannot move. Stay still!

Stay!

Stay!

Charlie>> so just like this? I
thought, am I -

yep, yes, just back up against
the wall and stay here

okay

boy>> you're doing great

charlie>> good one

bobby>> do not move!

Stay

dad>> hey, the new Mexico
outlaw is back. How was your
first day at school?

Mom>> make any new friends?

It is okay if he did not. I
did not make any my first year
either

I was just asking. Did you
honey?

Charlie>> yeah

charlie>> are you going to lose
all your hair?

What?

Charlie>> in my book, it says,
when you have this disease, you
could lose all your hair

dad>> oh you are a doctor now.
Let us have a look.

don not read books like this.

Narrator >> as
months went by, I remember
trying to do something -

narrator >> anything.
Whatever I could do to help my father win his fight.

And suddenly, like a disease,
word spread around school.

Dad>> you know they say the cubs
could go all the way this year.
All the waaaay!

Dad>> I have been thinking about
this disease. It is like a bunch
of uninvited guests.

You did not ask
them to come. They just showed
up one day and did not go home.

Bobby>> dad die yet Charlie?

Teacher>> I can't believe you
did that...

Teacher>> come on kids let us
go.

Dad>> Charlie

dad>> you want to explain
yourself?

Dad>> this fight that I am
having is mine. You understand?

Mom>> Charlie

narrator >>
his fight was also mine

I am much older now, but a part
of me is still in that bed
beside him.

The other part back
on that playground,

hoping that fight
put me back together again.

Amanda>> pelicans can fly
three thousand miles without
stopping

in the first world war-pelicans
transported supplies across
enemy lines

narrator >> Amanda
peeled labels, chewed nails, ate
the caps off pens

twice she tried to kill herself

I used to think we would be best
friends forever and not just
sisters

that was before dad died

before she went to rehab for the
third time

before I moved far away from
the mess I used to call home

lisa>> hey you know uh, we were
invited over to Timmy later

amanda>> I do know

what? I talk to him. He is my
ex-boyfriend

lisa>> yeah after he was mine

amanda>> I have no problem with
leftovers

it does not even make any sense,
saying I drink like a fish

it is like saying I read like a
word

lisa>> Amanda, who said you
drink like a fish?

Mom just said you
should not drive

amanda>> mom said you
should not drive.

Amanda>> you know what, you are
more like the fish.
Lisa>> I am ignoring that

amanda>> come on. You are being
a haddock. Like a smoked haddock
you know?

Lisa>> ok I have been home
for like an hour-

can we just have a
normal conversation please?

Amanda>> sorry

lisa>> oh!

Amanda>> does anybody want
a muddy Mary?

With some leaves on top?

Crap.

Oh! You know what she
should do?

We should go inside
and get a cognac

that is the perfect dusk drink!

Lisa>> do you think you
should just slow down a
little bit?

Amanda>> why?

I am celebrating my sisters
annual abbreviated trip to
the homeland

lisa>> okay - well the sun does
not go down for another three
hours

amanda>> yeah, but if you
get started early, anything is
possible

you of all people should know
that Lisa.

Amanda performing>> the combined
IQ of a colony of ants

exceeds the intellect of most
us senators

lisa>> my mother

ophelia>>
you wish to eat me!

Lisa>> one drink made her queen
Victoria

and three took her out of it

sydney>> I was under the
impression that Amanda liked
margaritas - loved margaritas

lisa>>
counting his cock

what me and Amanda used to call
our stepfather self fondeling

sydney>> what are we going to do
with all these margaritas?

I was under the impression
that Amanda liked marga-

ophellia>> what are you talking
about? We have heard you
already.

Ophellia>> go find your sister!

Sydney>> sweetie, go see where
she is okay? Huh? Thank you.

Sydney >>
what the hell would you do
with the rest of these?

Amanda >>
an ant is attracted to the
genitals of all mammals

both male and female.

Sydney >> do not
point at me - my mother is not
dead

what, what? I'm
ready with the glasses ok-

lisa>> hey!

Amanda>>

lisa>> oh my god - oh god -
come on

come here

lisa>>

lisa>> oh shit

Amanda >>

Amanda >>

lisa>> honey?

Amanda >>

lisa>> seriously - you are
acting and you made me drag you
all the way in here?

Amanda >>
stripped of its stinger -

a bee becomes nothing more
than a raisin with wings...

Lisa>> did you ever notice that
there are no streetlights in
this town that work?

You still work at that delivery
place?

Amanda>> yes - yes. That is what
i am doing. No - actually - i
quit that three years ago

do you know anything about - me
- what I am doing - anything at
all?

Lisa>> okay - uhm - let us not

amanda>> okay - I work at a dock
and I manage a band

lisa>> have I heard of them?

Amanda>> do you listen to
any decent bands?

Amanda>> I wanted to do some
more artistic stuff so i
decided to become a monologuist

lisa>> is that like a comic?

Amanda>> no, it is like
uhm, performance art, you know?

Amanda>> so I would tell stories
about my life

and I would incorporate facts
about animals and sort of do
this -

lisa>> awe inspiring

amanda>> yeah - I kept trying to
push the show and push, push,
push!

Amanda>> I was just hoping
eventually somebody would get
what I was going for

amanda>> do you know what i
mean?

Lisa>> yeah

amanda>> yeah

lisa>> I mean - I have a kind of
idea of the man I want but -

the fucking clowns i
meet are never anywhere close

Amanda >> the
stingerless bee becomes
an outcast

and must make its way in
a world alone

lisa>> thinness is genetic. Like
baldness

amanda>> unless you are me
and then you are really skinny
but that is because you never
eat

right? Look at
that. Look at it. You wanna
put your little nose in there?

You wanna put your little
nose in there? There - put your
little nose in it.

I like your hair.
Do not listen to my sister.

Lisa>> do you have any
drinking beverages in here?

Amanda >> a pelican
can fly three thousand miles
without stopping.

In the first world war -
pelicans were used to transport
supplies against enemy lines.

The combined IQ of a colony
of ants exceeds that of the
intelligence of most us senators

my sister and I went to see the
famous monkeys at the St. Louis
zoo.

Lisa>> what famous monkeys?

Amanda>> the monkeys shared a
tail.

Amanda >> you could not tell
where the first monkey ended

and the next monkey began

Lisa >> I forgot how
many signs we had.

The hand signal that indicated
someone was lying.

The nostril flare that meant we
were dealing with a loser.

The hiccup that said, let us
get the hell out of here.

Amanda>> they would never let
anything separate them

not even the third monkey

who went into the kitchen to get
the first monkey a drink

amanda>> and then one day

their father crashed into
a tree

and monkey one and monkey two
dived into the magic bottle.

And monkey one
transformed into a bird.

And monkey two transformed into
a fish.

And when they spoke to each
other

neither of them could understand
what each other was saying
anymore

Amanda >> what do
you think?

Lisa >> you are
prettier than I am

amanda>> yeah, I am.

Monica>> hi, I am Monica.

Mr. chub>> I am mr chub. May i
see your drivers license?

Monica >> why you get
a lot of strange women
pretending to me maids?

Monica >> usually i
do not mind being carded, but
not at work.

Mr. chub>> please, come in.

Mr. chub>> oh - I have my
own vacuum.

Monica >> nice condo.
He could be an agent. It always
pays to wear lipstick.

Mr. chub>> so, uh, Monica -
did you bath this morning?

Monica >> seriously?
Nine A.M. and he is already
picturing me naked.

Mr. chub>> ooh I want you.
You will not be sorry.

Monica>> no! You are my
employer. We should keep it that
way.

Besides I don't think my
boyfriend would like it very
much

monica>> what? You do not have
the right to ask me that.

Mr. chub>> I did not mean to
offend. I just have a thing
about cleanliness.

Monica >> so i
noticed.

His hair is kind of nappy though
- I mean natty - natty is not a
racist word, is it?

I dated a black guy once

come this way. Thank you.

Monica>> wow.

Monica >> ever think
about knocking?

Mr. chub>> I did not mean to
startle you.

Monica>> well, you did.

Mr. chub>> you work very
intently. Call if you need me.

Monica>> I am fine, thank you.

Missy >>have you
forgotten the way to El Paso?

I am doing all right - really.

I know you heard they cut out
that lump I had that you did not
know about.

Which is why I am writing,
because I know some dumb
somebody told you.

My own way of telling
you would have been more fun for
both of us.

Anyway, it is out, and there is
a little cut like a smiley face
under my nipple. You will like
it.

Come see the girl who loves you
no matter what. Hear me? Do not
step on my heart.

Your only one - miss famous

Monica >> course i
will change all the names.

You do not have to get
permission to do that, do you?

I love you!

Stop it. Oh, thank you.

Oh-don't go get a tattoo now.

Mr. chin>> you bring your lunch
here often?

Monica >> please
do not sit down.

Monica>> I used to.

Mr. chin>> what is your name?

Monica>> that is not really
important.

I bet I can
guess your nickname. Foxy.

Monica >> why do
these banker types always hit on
me?

Monica>> wrong its sting,
actually.

Sting! Your nickname is sting?

Monica>> I bet I know your
nickname.

Monica >> poophead.
Asshole. Jerkoff.

What?

Monica>> nevermind.

So you must like the police, the
band. Cause of the lead singer.

Monica>> oh my god, that is
gross.

Mr. chin>> I guess they are not
a band anymore.

Monica>> not for like
thirty years.

Monica>> the last man who called
me sting stepped on my heart.

That is too bad. You know I have
seen you before.

I have actually
been looking for you.

Brian>> you know I have been
looking for you for months.

Monica>> well, here I am.

Thank god your book came out.
Your publisher gave me your
number.

Monica>> he should not have
done that.

Brian>> sweet Monica. Will you
marry me?

Monica>> it fits.

Mr chinn>> so you say he broke
your heart?

Monica>> huh?

You said the guy who broke your
heart.

Monica>> I did not say he broke
it. I said he stepped on it.

You have a resilient heart.
I like that. I like that a lot.

Excuse me.
Hello?

I gotta bounce. Okay, yeah, i
will see you around foxy.

Mr chin >> yeah, no,
he called me.

Mrs. nighetti>> time for a
break.

Monica>> I just started.

The way you dust you deserve
one.

Monica >> here we go
again.

Mrs. nighetti> only my Vincent
makes his mother happy with a
grandchild.

Mrs. nighetti [With
Monica narrating over >> nine
boys, and only one grandchild.

But my Vincent he names his
daughter carlotta, which you may
not know,

but my name is carlotta. He
names her after his mother, my
Vincent.

Monica >> you have
told me that a million times.

Monica>> do you have any new
pictures?

Mrs. nighetti> you would think
that wife of his would know i
want new pictures every week

but she is too busy getting
famous. I am going to be a
famous model, she says.

To listen to her talk, the baby
set her back years.

Oh, maybe you have not seen
this one...

Monica >> I bet i
have.

There is my girl.

Monica>> sweetie its time for
dinner.

Sally>> I wanna keep playing.

Brian>> just let her play.

Mrs. nighetti>> so has that
Brian come to his senses yet?

Has he come rushing to you with
an armful of roses?

Monica>> have not heard a word.

Monica >> but I am
sure I will as soon as his wife
pops that kid out.

Monica > >she is not
that great

a little younger than I am

Monica >> horrible
laugh but she sure knew how to
trap him.

Monica >> probably
was not even on the pill.

Brian >> straighten out
- straighten out babe!

Monica>> I will not go to him.
He has to come to me.

Babysitter>> you are late again.

Monica>> sorry.

Babysitter>> she had a nap.

Monica>> good.

Babysitter>> thanks.

Monica >> after the book comes out.
Sally will need a private tutor.

I will be making appearances all
over the world.

Monica>> Turkey or bologna?

Sally>> bologna!

Monica >> I will
start writing it soon.

I will describe his spotless
condo.

The way he walked.

The way his little voice rode
the air.

The mysterious woman from El
Paso

and especially his shirts.

The way they faced the same
direction, one after another.

Like promises kept. Like the
days of a life.

Monica>> hey!

Sally>> can you read to me?

Monica>> um - sure I can
tell you a story

monica>> ummm

monica>> there once was a
very beautiful young woman
named cinderella

and she lived in a castle, i
think.

And she lived with her
evil step mom and two or
three mean step sisters.

And she had to clean the house
every single day. Top to bottom.

And then one day there was
an announcement on TV that said
there would be a big ball.

And she really wanted to go

beause she knew that the man she
was supposed to be with was
going to be there.

And she knew if she went there
she would...

Live happily ever
after and be a very famous
writer.

>> Hi Paul, it is Laura.
I heard you were going to be in town

so I thought maybe if you had
time you could stop by

I would really like you to
meet my son Chris. We are at my
moms house

>> 'next message'

caddy>> hi Paul. They just
released your father and we
should be home soon

I do not want you to be
surprised when you see him,
okay? He has gotten worse.

The stroke left him agitated.
Maybe you can take him for a
drive tomorrow

he always liked that.

Caddy>> so good to see you.

Edmund>> l... let... let go.

Caddy>> maybe you should get rid
of that thing. Do you not need a
truck for your business?

Edmund>> lazy, does not like
anything old.

Paul>> stop that. Call her caddy
please.

Caddy>> Paul would you help me
in the kitchen please.

Caddy>> Laura brought us home
from the hospital.

Paul>> did she?

Caddy>> she had the boy with
her.

Edmund>> that boy looks exactly
like you.

Paul>> boys not mine.

Caddy>> we know that.

Edmund>> that kid is the
spitting - mmm - mmm

paul>> spitting image.
Spitting image.

Caddy>> not in the house.

There are blankets and sheets on
the couch.

And shower - I could smell
the wood lacquer on your skin.

Paul>> stop that. Just stop.

Edmund>> just like me. Not long
for the world.

Paul>> no just needs a little
love that is all. Just a little
bit of love.

Watch this

see dad, told you, she is not
ready to leave me yet.

Paul>> what does mom make of
all that smoking stuff?

Edmund>> I do not know.

Paul>> I read somewhere a couple
weeks ago

that doctors are saying they're
actually good for you

especially if you had stroke
there suppose to really good

edmund>> oh that is perfect. I
am going to remember that.

Paul>> good.
Edmund>> yeah.

Edmund>> how is work?

Paul>> I quit the.. I quit the
paper.

Edmund>> why? You are a good
writer.

Paul>> yeah I make furniture
full time now

edmund>> well - you always
liked wood.

Paul>> mom did not tell you
that?

Edmund>> she does not tell me
a goddamn thing. But she - she
- she told me that.

Edmund>> oh, I knew you would
make that turn.

Paul>> what do you mean? No,
you said go anywhere. I do not
care we can go anywhere.

Edmund>> you cannot keep away
from her.

Paul>> what are you talking
about?

Paul>> oh look, hey, no, no, i
did not even notice this was her
street.

Edmund>> oh well, you do not
notice most things.

Paul>> oh, I do not notice most
things? Is that not
interesting...

Edmund>> you see, he looks just
like, just like you when you
were young.

Paul>> yeah... well that kid
is not my kid.

Edmund>> look at him!

Paul>> what do I gotta look at
him for? Hey, hey, hey, listen -

that is not my son. That is not
my son, I do not know why you
do not get that.

Why am I gonna look at
him. Thats not my son. What a
dumb thing to say.

Caddy>> did he smoke?

Paul>> yeah, I did not see a
point in keeping him from it.

Paul>> we drove past the, by
Laura's house. How is she doing
these days?

Caddy>> she thinks of herself as
family. Coming to the hospital
and everything.

Paul>> you know, I do not know
how you put up with that every
day.

He is so rude. He does not
know he is being rude. He drives
around saying shit...

Caddy>> your father has always
been a little mean. It is all
he has got left.

I cannnot deny him
the one thing that he can still
feel.

Paul>> I do not remember any
meanness in him.

Caddy>> glad you feel that way.
I do not have a particular hole
in my memory.

Everyone has a little
meanness in them.

You should see the child.

Caddy>> I know. He is not your
son. But she was your wife.

Paul>> she was my wife.

She led me to believe we would
get back together for four
months

and just never bothered to
say, umm, oh I am pregnant.

Caddy>> sometimes, honey, people
cannot speak their thoughts.

Other words come out instead.

Go see them.

Laura>> you come to see me, or
him?

Paul>> you look like yourself.

Laura>> I suppose that is a
compliment.

Paul>> so what are you up
to these days?

Laura>> umm, I am a teller at
the bank, but mostly I take care
of cliff. And, uh, you?

Paul>> I make furniture now.
Business is improving.

Eventually there might be some
money in it. But I am happier
around the lumber.

Laura>> I remember you always
used to say, wood cannot be
forced.

You have to discover
the form within.

Paul>> I do not think I said
that bullshit,

but if I did it was probably
just to impress you.

Laura>> you did.

Paul>> hey buddy. How old
are you?

You are a big boy.

You like
horses? Huh?

You can have him, if you want
him.

Laura>> hey honey, you want to
run inside and show grandma your
new toy?

Mommy is going to talk
to her friend.

Laura>> that was kind of you.

Laura>> you are still driving
the swinger?

Paul>> my dad loves her. I let
him smoke in it. He, uh, is not
himself anymore. You know.

Sometimes he looks like my
father. Occasionally sounds
like my father, but he is...

Laura>> I thought it would be
to strange to send you pictures.

I had a fling.
He looked like you.

Paul>> I guess I should go.

Laura>> you know where to
find us.

Paul>> yeah.

Paul>> my girl. My girl. That is
what I wanted to say. You look
yourself,

I wanted to say you look like my
fucking girl, man.

Stupid ass idiot. Then what?
Then what!? Then what? I do not
know.

Paul>> what should I do?

Older Michael narrating>> we
were locked out.

Older Michael narrating>> we
would have to make a decision
soon.

Break in or hike a
few miles back to town.

But for now, we were
teenaged boys with one concern.

Lee> a couple summers ago I was
at church camp.

And you now how they have each
day you got a different
activity.

Well, this particular day it was
art and crafts, and I mean i
was not into it.

Lee>> you know I hate crafts.
Michael>> you hate arts
and crafts.

Lee>> yeah. So this girl, i
kind of see her looking at me.

And she was beautiful. I mean,
she had like this perfectly
feathered hair

and she had the most incredible
singing voice.

She could have had a record
deal, that is what I told her.
And so I was talking to her.

And we were supposed to be
making those gods eyes with the
yarn or whatever.

And I was like 'hey you want to
get out of here?' And shes like
'okay'

so, I said come with me.
And we start making out. You
know,

it is like I am telling you. It
is those innocent girls that get
the craziest.

Michael>> they are crazy,
naughty.

Lee>> it is like all
repressed inside or something.

Lee>> and her ass. Oh my god.

Her ass was so round, it was
like the most perfectly round
thing that you have ever seen.

Michael>> like a bubble?

Lee>> I did not even know
nature could create something
-it was like a babies head.

Greg>> god dammit, Michael.
Michael>> oh yeah, real soft.
Like a babies cheeks.

Lee> yeah, yeah, just like two
little babies heads.

Older Michael narrating>> it
goes without saying that this
was bullshit.

Lee was starving for information
about sex just like the rest of
us.

A few years back, lees father
was caught performing an
abortion and stripped of his
license to operate.

Lee did not touch or comfort his
father.

He did not ask about the
law or justice or even who
the woman was.

He only asked one thing

lee>> was she naked?

Lee>> she was such - such good
pussy, man. What about you Greg?

Greg>> well, it was not quite as
innocent as Bible camp...

Michael>> get ready for the
bullshit.

Greg>> hey! So, I am out mowing
my lawn.

Its my neighbors yard and she
was probably like maybe forty
something,

I am not sure, but she was not
too old, but like just right!

And she comes out like half way
through, alright -

lee>> and she invites me in for
cookies and lemonade.
Michael>> your neighbor??

Greg>> it is like..
Lee>> twinkies and lemonade?

Greg>> she must have known
me, I do not know how, but
she got me.

And next thing I know she comes
back around twinkies, lemonade,
no shirt, no bra.

Just tits man, they were like -
if I had to compare them -

I would probably say like
working with - maybe a mango -
you know what I am saying.

Like a mango

almost like, you know how like
when your checking the mango to
make sure it is not rotten.

But it is squishy and stuff.
Lee>> yeah, yeah, yeah.

Greg>> it is like a rotten
mango. So anyway you know - i
start

of course the twinkies
and lemonade are long gone.
Fuck that.

And so I am fucking her and she
starts making this noise.

And dammit if I had a tape
recorder for that noise. It
was beautiful.

Michael>> what was it?
Greg>> it was - it was a
damn serenade of beauty.

Lee>> I want to hear the noise.
Greg>> I wish I could
create it. It was..

Michael>> yeah you can, go
ahead. Come on. Make the noise.

Greg>> no I cannot. I cannot.
I cannot.

Lee>> was it a little like -

michael>> yeah, like fucking a
retarded pig kind of.

Greg>> no, no, no, no. It was
like, you know what. Alright,
for you all sakes.

Okay. I will make the
noise, alright. One time show.

Michael & lee>> thank you,
alright!

Greg>> please take it in, i
might not do it justice. But i
will give it a shot okay, so -

greg>> right here. It is
like that.

It is just
like, it is real long and deep
like 'uuuuuhhhhh'

lee>> I thought this was the
sound that she made. Not you.

Greg>> no that is the sound she
made yeah.

Michael>> that is the sound she
made!?

Older Michael narrating>> in
fact, Greg was borrowing details
from something he witnessed
through a keyhole one night.

Gregs parents had invited
some of their friends over.

They did this from time to
time apparently.

Mother>> oh yeah

mother>> who is first?

Random guy one>> oh - I am first

Lee and michael>> bitchin man.
Yeah man that is righteous.

Greg>> thank you. Thank you.

Yeah. No big deal. What about
you, man. What about your
lady Michael?

Lee>> I want to hear some dirty
shit.

Michael>> okay, there is this
one time.

Lee>> yeah, lets hear it.
Greg>> yeah, ready for it.

Michael>> remember the Chandler
game?

Lee & greg>> yeah, yeah.

Michael>> well the party. The
party after the game.

You were not there but I went
with my older brother.

And umm, it was all older chicks
there. And you know.

Anyway, I was at this party and
i look across the room and I see
this girl.

You know I was sitting all the
way across the room but somehow
we just keep locking eyes.

And she is giving me this
real intense stare. She was so
beautiful man.

I mean like, movie star eyes and
she is wearing this really cute
outfit.

I glance down and I see shes got
these white panties on

greg>> so, uhh, what about the
white panties?

Michael>> so she found a way
to show them to me. Just me.

Greg>> damn!
Lee>> like - did you do anything
about it? Come on.

Greg>> where are you going? That
is cool about the white panties.

Older Michael narrating>> the
story I told my friends was only
part of the truth.

The white flash of the girl
underwear did something to me.

I had to move, say something.

Greg>> so what did you do?

Michael>> well, I stand up and
i just go straight across the
room.

Michael>> I could tell she
wanted me to do something. So -
i reached out.

Greg>> oh really? What did you
reach out for?

Michael>> well - I put my
finger there.

Greg>> where? Where did you put
it?

Michael>> put it there. Right -
right fucking there. Right
there.

Lee>> what happened from there?
Just leave her sitting. Come on.

Michael>> alright, okay. Let me
get to that.

Greg>> I am jealous - I would
love to hear it.

Older Michael narrating>>
because I was a virgin I could
no describe what I did with the
girl.

What I described was a
landscape.

Mountains.

Fields.

The things around me.

I substituted the body of a
woman for the body of the earth.

At least that is what I think i
did.

We did not know exactly what we
were saying. But we knew we were
saying more than what was said.

Michael >> she wants it so. So i
gave it to her. You know. I gave
it to her real hard.

You know, real fast. Deep, you
know.

I do not think I could have
gotten deeper or gone harder.

Lee>> ahh, that is the best!

Michael>> yeah. And umm,

when it was all over - I just
looked at her and then I left.

Greg>> that was a good story,
man. Yeah, that was great. Look
at us.

Lee>> umm, you guys want another
cigarette?

Michael>> yeah.
Greg>> it is about time for me.

Older Michael narrating>> we
talked into the night.

Eventually we did hike the five
miles back into town to call a
locksmith.

But for now we were
content to sit and smoke.

Three boys of no particular
distinction.

Elevating as best we could, the
fragile faith that our lives
had meaning.

Keen narrating>> as much as
anything ever really happens,
this really did.

Keen narrating>> I guess you
could say I was in that drifting
phase...

You can call it whatever
you want.

Somewhere between dropping out
of college and the beginning
of settling down.

I was headed home for the
summer to straighten myself out.

But took a detour.

A couple thousand miles west of
my intended destination.

Keen>> I ended up at this house
in apex, Colorado.

My buddy clete was there.

Said he knew this girl that was
dog sitting for some rich folks
spending the summer in Scotland
or something.

He said there was a full liquor
cabinet, stockpile of shrooms
and a free bed.

So it seemed worth a pit stop

god a lot of people lived in
that house over the summer.

It was actually hard to tell
who did and who did not on any
particular day.

I know, I cannot remember a lot
of their names.

Does it matter?
Well there was barnett.

Party goer one>> cause she
fucking squats when she pees.

Keen narrating>> you know
barnett was a special kind of
asshole, you know the type.

Barnett>> hey, my man!
Keen narrating>> see it was bad
to say, considering. But that
is the truth.

Barnett>> I do not know if i
like white women anymore. I do
not even know which one to pick.

You know what I am saying. I was
thinking about when I was
throwing rocks at a river.

Anyway I would like to talk
to you about it more if you
got some time. Good shit.

Clete>> lions go after the
weak link. Always the baby
wildebeest, the retarded zebra,
the gimpy little antelope.

Now, based on this evidence,
what do you think this movie is
called?

"Lion: The noble beast"

keen>> still talking about that
fucking movie?

Clete>> it is a documentary.
And it is significant.

Keen narrating>> clete was
full of useful information from
public television.

Clete>> for you. Take them and
trip in good health.

Keen narrating>> like the
cultural importance of baseball,
or the healing powers of magic
mushrooms

or the most effective methods of
hunting in the desert.

See, those were the topics of
conversation that summer.

And everyone was engaged in a
horse race for the dog sitter -
Lila.

Lila>> you looking for
something?

Keen>> yeah, just some water.

Lila>> you are in the wrong
place, buddy.

Whiskey and ice. It is my
specialty. Plus, it is all we
got left, so.

Keen narrating>> stu, nice guy,
had a flare or the near
overdose.

Keen>> what is up with him?

Lila>> been like that or hours.
We do not know if it is drugs or
something

keen>> or something? What do you
mean or something?

Lila>> I do not know. A million
things.

Lila>> you bastards.

Keen>> I think we are all
bastards and saints. Just
depends on the day.

Lila>> you are quite profound
for someone from Ohio.

Keen narrating>> the way I saw
it I had two options. Turn tail
and head for home. Or throw my
hat in the ring.

Keen narrating>> I mean,
what would you do?

Keen narrating>> you cannot just
sit next to a girl and expect
her to unfold her life to you

like it is a shirt she is asking
you to wear.

You have to show her that you
are giving something up in order
to talk to her.

I am telling you, man. If you
want to get to the really
good stories, you have to make
an effort.

Lila >> high school,
the lady friend.

Keen>> uhh, what do you want
to know?
Lila>> I want to know it
all.

Keen>> she was not especially
beautiful, but she was amazing
to talk to

lila>> so you never saw her
again?

Keen>> I kind of lost track of
her. But I did see her, yeah, at
our ten year reunion. Yeah.

Lila>> you went to your ten
year reunion...
Keen>> yeah I did. Why?

Lila>> no reason. I do not
know.
Keen>> okay.

Keen>> anyways she, she is
married to some guy who works
for NASA. Yeah.
Lila>> fuck.

Keen>> they already had a kid.
And another one on the way.
Lila>> wow.

Keen>> yeah. The whole time i
kept thinking about how crazy
she used to be for me, you
know?

How it could have been my
kid, calling me daddy.

Like somehow I had given up my
chance to walk on the moon.

Lila>> it is not to late you
know. To walk on the moon.

Keen>> nah! I hate flying.
Always have.

Lila>> is that right?
Keen>> uh huh.

Barnett >> pussies!
Pussies! Pussies!

Barnett>> you are the
biggest pussy of them all.

Lila>> it is true.

Lila>> eww! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Keen>> fuck! Oww!

Clete >> we can get five cents for these.
Wanna help me collect them?

Clete>> what happened to him?

Lila>> him or the other one?

Clete>> okay. This fucking guy.

Clete>> you coming?

Keen>> we cannot just leave
him out here.

Clete>> well, wake him up.

Clete>> Jesus Christ.

Clete>> you could damage your
bladder holding your pee
that long.

Keen>> fuck it, now what?

Clete>> you are on the
right track, maybe just
thinking a little too small.

Keen>> fuck head, come here.
Grab his arms I got an idea.

Clete>> oh shit. Yes sir,
yes sir.

Keen>> alright walk this way.

Keen & clete together>> one,
two, three!

Clete>> shit! Barnett wake up
you bastard! Wake up barnett!

Clete>> he is fucking around.

Clete>> barnett!

Clete>> oh fuck!

Clete>> it is some consolation
that he was an asshole.

Clete>> but - what are you going
to tell Lila?

Keen>> nothing. We are not
telling Lila anything.

Lila>> I cannot believe this.
Who dies??

Keen>> can you not say it like
that.

Lila>> like what?

Clete>> of all the days to run
out of fucking alcohol!

Lila>> did you check his pulse?

Keen>> yeah.

Lila>> do not tell stu. Do not
fucking tell anyone.

Lila >> promise me.

Lila>> promise me!

Keen>> I promise.

Keen narrating>> I do not think
Lila had any second thoughts
about being my girlfriend.

I did not. But you know how it
is, you fall in love, you
cannot see beyond it.

I guess that is where time,
it just, gets away from you.

Keen>> is that shit or vomit?

Clete>> this is damnation
territory.

Keen>> I may have had something
to do with that.

Stu>> should someone say a few
words?

Clete>> okay. Rest in peace.
Umm, yeah. Amen.

Clete>> okay. Rest in peace.
Umm, yeah. Amen.

Keen>> I think you should run
some water.

Lila>> there is an idea.

Keen>> that is my shirt you
know.

Keen>> wanna get married?

Lila>> my parents float me
some money every couple months.

Lila>> that could pay for
our marriage certificate.

Lila>> do you have any savings?

Keen>> do not worry I will buy
you a big old ring.

Lila>> I guess I could go back
to waitressing.

Keen>> yeah, that would be good.

Keen>> good morning, sir.

Sheriff>> morning - I hate
to bother you. But your wife
came by.

Sheriff>> said you murdered a
man?

Keen narrating>>I mean it was
perfect.

Keen narrating>>down to my damn
underwear. Glass of whiskey in
my hand.

I just looked at him and said -
i would not call it murder.

I realize now that was a slip.

It is never easy to know what to
say in the moment, is it?

You know, there is one last
thing that I remember.

So all the dogs in town, they
were barking at us when we
arrived that first night.

Not knowing what we were getting
into.

That I would murder a man.
Manslaughter a dog.
And fall in love.

Despite what you might think.

Those fucking dogs. They would
not stop barking. What do you
think that means??

Those fucking dogs. They would
not stop barking. What do you
think that means??

Narrator>> some character will
complain that his nowhere life
is everyone else fault.

All you have to do is sit on
the wrong stool.

To get the good stories
you have to make an effort.

You have to live them.