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DID THAT.

PEE... DID THAT.

OKAY, KEEP STICK ON FLAT SURFACE WHILE...

OH, SHIT.

IN THREE MINUTES, THE RESULTS...

OKAY. TWO LINES, PREGNANT...

IF YOU SEE A SINGLE LINE...

HUH ?

IF YOU SEE ONE LINE IN EACH WINDOW AS ILLUSTRATED,

THE TEST HAS INDICATED THAT YOU ARE PREGNANT.

OH, MY GOD.

GOOD MORNING, IT'S 9 A.M.!

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR BODY IS ?

FORGET THAT, WHAT ABOUT YOUR MIND ?

I READ THIS T-SHIRT THE OTHER DAY,

IT SAID, "OF ALL THE THINGS I'VE LOST,

I MISS MY MIND THE MOST."

TELL ME ABOUT IT! LET ME IN!

PHIL, SHE'S IN. GET 'EM GOING.

HEY, EDDIE! EDDIE, BABY!

YOU'RE WITH ME. COME ON, HANDSOME.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO ? GET THE HOSE ON YOU TWO ?

I'M COMING! I'M COMING!

START THE WARM UP.

WAKE UP!

HEY EVERYBODY, WE'RE JUICING TODAY.

EVERYBODY SAY GOOD MORNING TO OUR EXEC PRODUCER,

JOAN MARSHALL.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. THIS LADY GETS UP AT 4 A.M.

TO RUN EVERY MORNING.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT THAT ?

I GAVE UP SMOKING, DRINKING, DRUGS...

HIGH-FAT FOOD, SUGAR,

CASUAL SEX...

AND NOW THIS, WELCOME TO THE MILLENNIUM, PEOPLE.

LET'S LIVE LONG AND BE MISERABLE.

Ray: AW, HELL!Grace: AND MUSIC UP.

COME ON. STAY WITH ME, RAY.

WIDER CAMERA, TWO. READY TWO...

NOW EVERYBODY KEEP RUNNING IN PLACE.

WHETHER YOU'RE RUNNING WITH THE WOLVES,

YOU'RE RUNNING TO WORK

OR YOU'RE SIMPLY RUNNING THE SHOW...

NO EMPTY SEATS, RAY. NO EMPTY SEATS.

...WE ARE THE 24 HOUR WOMAN!

Announcer: RETRO-FEMINIST DEBRA BENNET

AND OUR PSYCHIC SEER AND 12 MINUTE RECIPE QUEEN, CRYSTAL.

PLUS "BEYOND SWEAT PANTS - FASHION TO RELAX WITH."

AND MORE ON OUR SPECIAL REPORT "ROMANCING THE STONE."

HOW TO KICK START YOUR MAN'S LOVE MACHINE.

ALL THIS PLUS NEWS LITE.

AND WE'LL TALK TO THE WEATHER GIRL WHEN WE RETURN,

ON THE 24 HOUR WOMAN.

Man: THAT WOMAN'S GOT A LOT OF ENERGY.

Woman: THAT WILL BE ME IF I GET THIS JOB.

HEY, YOU'RE ALREADY A 24 HOUR WOMAN, BABY.

I'LL GET ME A TRAMPOLINE IN THE KITCHEN.

RIGHT, YOU DO THAT.

I'M AWAKE. Girl:

GOOD MORNING.

WHERE ARE YOU ? MOMMY,

COMING.

MOM! Boy:

OKAY, WE'RE BACK. THIS MORNING, MARGO,

SHE'S GONNA GET SOME BREAKFAST FOR OUR FIRST GUEST.

SO TELL ME WHAT YOU GOT THERE.

WHAT ? WHAT'S THAT LOOK FOR ?

COME ON. TELL 'EM.

TELL 'EM WHAT ?

EDDIE'S GOT A SECRET.

YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ?

SHE'S GONNA GET ME IN TROUBLE OVER HERE.

BEEN MARRIED ? ONE MONTH ? SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU

IT'S ACTUALLY CLOSER TO TWO.

TWO ?

EDDIE AND GRACY, SITTING IN A TREE,

K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

OKAY, KATHY LEE, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

YOUR SINGING CAREER IS DEFINITELY SAFE.

JUST BECAUSE OF THAT,

EDDIE AND GRACE ARE GONNA HAVE A BABY.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT ?

Ray: GRACE, WHERE'D YOU FIND THE TIME ?

HA-HA.

Radio: Oh shit! Get out here now!

Jesus Christ, when did all this happen ?

Hurry up.

Let's talk later, 'cause you know how I hate surprises.

Come on! Hurry up!

OKAY GUYS, BACK TO IT.

JESUS, GRACE, YOU COULD HAVE E-MAILED ME

BEFORE ANNOUNCING IT ON THE AIR.

JOAN, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

WE JUST FOUND OUT THIS MORNING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?

ANNA MUST HAVE TOLD MARGO. I DON'T KNOW.

IT WORKED.

Girl: I DON'T WANT TO WEAR THIS.

COME ON LET'S PUT ON THE TEDDY BEAR.

YOU LIKE THE TEDDY BEAR ? COME ON. HEY.

HEY, STOP! GIVE IT BACK!

MOMMY, HE HURT ME.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE ?

I HEARD THAT. I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS WERE WATCHING.

ANYWAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP ? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HOME SICK TODAY.

WE ARE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE.

IT'S OKAY, I CAN DEAL WITH THESE GUYS.

IT'S NOT OKAY. I CAN HANDLE THIS.

YOU CAN'T BE LATE. WE NEED THIS JOB.

THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THE MUTILATOR, ROY.

AND THEY KNOW THAT.

I KNOW THAT, OKAY ?

YOU PUT THAT SHIT ON AGAIN, YOU'RE DEAD.

NO.COME HERE AND PUT YOUR SHIRT ON.

PUT YOUR SHIRT ON.

YEAH, I KNOW. IT WAS MARGO.

THE BIG MOUTH. THE ONE WITH

LISTEN...

LET HIM EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

OKAY HOLD ON.

IT'S YOUR MOTHER, SHE'S PISSED.

YOU TELL HER WHY YOU OPENED UP YOUR BIG MOUTH.

OLGA, HE'S RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, MOM. HELLO.

MAMITA, LISTEN TO ME.

I JUST FOUND OUT MY TV MOVIE'S GOING TO BE ON TOMORROW.

YES, 9:30, CHANNEL TWO.

GO TELL BOLITA, IT'S 9:30, CHANNEL TWO.

I GOTTA GO, OKAY ? BYE.

YOU ARE SO BAD.

THERE SHE IS, MAMACITA!

I'M SO HAPPY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU ARE GONNA LOVE BEING PREGNANT.

IT MAKES YOU FEEL--BLOATED ?

YOU SNEAKY BITCH...

YOU, I LOVE THIS!SO, GRACE...

DID YOU GUYS LIKE, PLAN THIS OR WHAT ?

SO I'M PREGNANT, THAT SHOULD BE GOOD FOR THE RATINGS, RIGHT ?

GOOD, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON CAMERA EVERY SINGLE DAY.

ME?WAIT...HER?

YOU, HIM, THE WHOLE FUCKING PREGNANCY.

IT'S GONNA BE BABY MADNESS FOR THE NEXT NINE MONTHS.

SEVEN. I'M DUE IN NOVEMBER.

DURING SWEEPS...?

YOU DID PLAN THIS, DIDN'T YOU ? YOU'RE A GENIUS!

YOU'RE A GENIUS. COME ON, BACK TO WORK.

WE GOTTA LOT OF PLANNING TO DO. C'MON.

EDDIE, THIS IS GREAT.

IT'S BABY MADNESS!

I GOTTA GO TO WORK.

HERE WE GO... HEY, GRACE,GIVE ME THE TAPES.

OH, PATTY, MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE ALLERGIST

TO ONLY TALK ABOUT PREGNANCY STUFF.

AND REMIND ME TO GET AN OB-GYN FOR THE SHOW.

ROXY, GIVE THIS TO JOAN, THANKS.

GRACE, YOUR INTERVIEWS... YOU DIDN'T FORGET, DID YOU?

OH. RIGHT.

GUYS, PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE, OKAY? I DESPERATELY NEED AN ASSISTANT.

YOU'RE GLOWING ALREADY.

NO, I'M NOT. COME ON...

I WANT BABY, BABY, BABY. BABY SHIT EVERYDAY!

CAN'T WE BUY A LITTLE TIME HERE? THIS IS NUTS.

WE ANNOUNCED IT ON THE AIR TODAY, WE GOTTA DELIVER NOW.

COME ON - C'MON - C'MON! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!

24 HOUR WOMAN.

HOLD ON A SECOND. HI, CAN I HELP YOU ?

I'M HERE FOR THE JOB INTERVIEW.

YEAH, JOIN THE CLUB.

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

SOME PRE-NATAL EXERCISES AND A COUPLE OF NUTRITIONISTS.

THESE ARE THE BETTER ONES.

OKAY, GREAT, I'LL TAKE A LOOK.

WAIT A MINUTE, I WANT THIS OUTLINED, PLEASE.

WOW, YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF TELEVISION FOR...

WELL, FOUR YEARS.

OUCH.I RAISED THREE KIDS.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO INTERFERE WITH YOUR WORK SCHEDULE, THOUGH?

NO, NO. MY HUSBAND STAYS HOME.

OH. WELL, UM, YOU KNOW, I'M PREGNANT MYSELF.

I KNOW. I SAW THE SHOW THIS MORNING.

OKAY.

WELL, YOU HAVE TONS OF EXPERIENCE HERE...

YOU WERE A PRODUCER FOR COMMUNITY CALL-IN...

I'M A PSYCHIC...I'M A PSYCHIC! I'M A PSYCHIC!

THAT BITCH WANTS ME TO DO ANOTHER

GODDAMN COOKING SEGMENT TOMORROW, OKAY?

I'M NOT DOING IT! THE 12 MINUTE RECIPE QUEEN ?

SINCE WHEN AM I A 12 MINUTE RECIPE QUEEN ?

I CAN'T EVEN COOK!

TOMORROW, I GOT A PHONER ALREADY HOOKED UP

WITH THIS LADY IN FLUSHING WHO'S GOT A LOST COCKER SPANIEL,

AND AT NINE-SEVENTEEN A.M.,

I AM GONNA FIND THAT FUCKIN' DOG ON THE AIR! OKAY?

GIVE US A MINUTE, AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

I'M NOT BACKIN' DOWN ON THIS, THAT SCORPIO BITCH FROM HELL!

CRYSTAL, GIVE US ONE MINUTE.

GRACE I GOT THE INFORMATION.

BRENDA! NOT NOW.

I'M SORRY.THAT'S OKAY.

LISTEN, MADELINE...

I ONLY NEED AN ASSISTANT. YOU'RE JUST TOO OVER-QUALIFIED FOR THIS JOB.

I KNOW. IT'S JUST THAT I GOTTA GET IN SOMEHOW, YOU KNOW?

YOU'LL BE STARTING AT THE BOTTOM.

LONG HOURS.

LOTS OF STRESS. LOW PAY.

I'VE BEEN DOING LONG HOURS, LOTS OF STRESS AT NO PAY.

THEN, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT HERE.

CONGRATULATIONS, MADELINE.

THANK YOU. THANKS.

Joan: THIS IS THE SLOWEST GODDAMN FAX MACHINE!

HEY, GUYS, I GOT ME ONE!

MADELINE LaBELLE. MY NEW ASSISTANT.

HEY, GRACE. I GOT THIS FROM ANDERSON.

SHE HASN'T WORKED IN FOUR YEARS.

NO, SHE GOT KIDS.

GREAT, SHE WAS LATE FOR THE INTERVIEW, RIGHT ?

JOAN, SHE'S GONNA BE GREAT. SHE HAS TONS OF EXPERIENCE...

AND I'M GONNA NEED SOMEBODY WHEN I TAKE MY MATERNITY LEAVE.

MATERNITY LEAVE ?

IT'S ONLY GONNA BE A FEW WEEKS.

YOU KNOW, I COULD COVER FOR YOU.

AAAGH! I CAN'T GET INTO THIS NOW!

GRACE, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS WOMAN.

I CAN HEAR THE CALLS NOW. THE SICK KIDS,

THE PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCE, THE NO-SHOW NANNIES.

SHE ALREADY TOLD ME SHE HAS A HUSBAND,

AND HE'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS.

HER HUSBAND - HA!

SHE'D BETTER HIRE SOME REAL HELP.

I BEEN THERE, HONEY.

I WAS A SINGLE MOTHER LONG BEFORE I DIVORCED...

...JEFFREY.

YOUR CALL.

DON'T WORRY, SHE'S GONNA BE GOOD.

PATTY, HERE, TAKE THIS.

THIS IS THE SHOPPING LIST, AND I WANT YOU TO STICK TO IT, OKAY ?

NO CANDY, NO COOKIES,

NONE OF THAT PROCESSED SUGARY SHIT.

NO SUGAR.

OKAY, AND BEANS AND FRANKS FOR THURSDAY...

MOM ? DAD ?

JESUS CHRIST. WHAT ?

YOU'RE GONNA WAKE TANEESHA.

I'M NOT GONNA WAKE TANEESHA.

I'M THIRSTY.

OKAY, I'LL GET YOU SOME WATER,

AND THEN YOU GO STRAIGHT BACK TO BED.

NOW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP ? YOU SEE HIM GET UP,

THEN YOU HAVE TO GET UP.

DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THAT.

I'M HUNGRY. CAN I HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT ?

NO, GO TO BED.

CONGRATULATIONS, MOMMY.

MOM.

DAD...

OH, LOOK! LOOK-LOOK-LOOK-LOOK!

LOOK AT THAT PREGNANT WOMAN.

I HAVE SEEN SO MANY PREGNANT WOMEN TODAY.

EVERYONE'S HAVING BABIES.

HONEY, EVERYBODY LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE HAVING BABIES BECAUSE YOU'RE PREGNANT.

NO, REALLY. YOU KNOW WHAT ?

WE GOTTA DO A SEGMENT. "BABY FEVER".

WHO GETS IT AND WHY.

WE SHOULD ASK MEN AND WOMEN SEPARATELY,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW THEY ANSWER DIFFERENTLY, RIGHT ?

HONEY, YOU'RE CRAZY.

HERE...

I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE A LITTLE WINE.

WHY ?EDDIE, I CAN'T.

WELL, BECAUSE, READ THE LABEL. I'M PREGNANT. HELLO?

OKAY. GIVE ME THREE REASONS WHY MEN WANNA HAVE KIDS.

BABY, COME ON. I'M TIRED OF WORKING, I'M HUNGRY,

LET'S ORDER SOMETHING.

FINE. I'LL DO IT. I'LL BE THE MAN.

NUMBER ONE, BECAUSE I WANNA HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE ME.

WATCH IT.

NUMBER TWO...

I WANNA HAVE AN EXACT REPLICA OF ME, AND NUMBER THREE,

I WANT SOMEONE TO SIT AROUND AND WATCH SPORTS WITH ME ALL DAY.

OH, YEAH? SMART-ASS...

ALL RIGHT. GIVE ME THREE REASONS WHY YOU WANNA HAVE A BABY.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE...

HMMM ?

THREE.

I CAN'T THINK.

IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE I'M STARVING.

IT'S NOT EASY, IS IT ?

LET'S ORDER. WAITER...?

WAITER ? EXCUSE ME...?

MOMMY...

MOMMY ROUND THE ROSIE, POCKET FULL OF POSIES...

ASHES, ASHES, WE ALL FALL DOWN.

TANEESHA...

TANEESHA ROUND THE ROSIE, POCKET FULL OF POSIES...

ASHES, ASHES... WE ALL FALL DOWN.

NO, COME ON, LET'S DO THIS. LET'S GET THIS DONE.

SURE YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY?

OH, YEAH. DON'T WORRY, PEOPLE DO THIS ALL THE TIME.

YEAH. PEOPLE WITH MONEY, WHO CAN AFFORD A FULL- TIME NANNY.

HEY, MY MOTHER WORKED, AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE NO FULL TIME NANNY.

ROY, YOUR MOTHER HAD HER MOTHER.

HEY, BABY, AND YOU GOT ME.

AND WHEN YOU GET A JOB... DON'T WORRY...

AND WHEN YOU GET A JOB ?

HEY, I TOLD YOU, MADELINE, DON'T WORRY. WE'LL WORK IT OUT.

YOU GOT IT ALL WORKED OUT ?

YEAH, I DO.

HOW COME YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ?

I HATE YOU.

OH, DON'T HATE ME.

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE STILL A LITTLE TIRED, HUH ?

MAYBE NOT.

NO ?HOW 'BOUT YOU ?

HMM, LET'S SEE...

YEAH, YOU WICKED WOMAN.

DADDY, I WOKE UP!

OHHH, SHIT! THE SEX POLICE.

THIS IS A FAJITA, OKAY ? THAT MEANS SMALL GAY MEN.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT ? I'M A LITTLE LATE.

Grace: THE FOOD ON THE FUCKIN' TABLE!

OH, THIS IS A DISASTER...

Ray: JUST CUT HER OFF.

WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS. WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS!

Joan: What are you waiting for, get her off!

I KNOW, I KNOW. WE'RE CUTTING OUT.

ARE WE GOING BACK TO THE REMOTE ?

WE'LL JUST HEAD HER OFF.

Crystal: THE POINT I'D LIKE TO MAKE IS, WHAT DO YA DO WITH THIS ?

CAMERA TWO, TAKE TWO.

CAMERA THREE, STAY ON THE FOOD SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.

WE'RE GONNA GO TO EDDIE AND THE KIDS.

COMING BACK TO YOU, REMOTE. GIMME A WIDE SHOT.

ALL RIGHT, BABE. WE'RE GOING TO YOU.

GET THOSE KIDS WAVING, WE'RE GONNA MAKE A MOMENT HERE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

WE'LL HAVE NEW YORKERS IN TEARS IN NO TIME.

ALL RIGHT, WATCH THIS.

OKAY, RAY. GET MARGO OUT THERE. TELL HER WE NEED HER UP.

GET MARGO BACK. I DON'T CARE WHERE SHE IS.

DUMP THE SONG ?

CUE UP THAT HEARTBEAT SONG.

DUMP THE GOODBYES, AND THE TEASE.

REMOTE CREW, COMING TO YOU IN FIFTEEN SECONDS.

OH, FUCK, THIS IS A LONG FUCKING SONG.

I KNOW. OKAY, ONE FIRST. JUST GIVE ME ONE FIRST, HONEY.

PHIL, WHERE THE FUCK IS MARGO ? I NEED HER OUT THERE. TIE IT UP!

WE'VE GOT TO DO THIS, GRACE.

I KNOW. I'M SORRY. HARD CUT, FAST. ASAP. RIGHT THERE.

THERE SHE IS, LET'S GO!

NOW, NOW, RAY! MARGO LEADS US OFF TO EDDIE.

MARGO, TELL CRYSTAL SHE'S DONE.

OKAY, TOMORROW, CRYSTAL'S GONNA CHANNEL SOMEBODY WHO CAN COOK.

GO TO MUSIC.AMD NOW, LET'S GO TO EDDIE...

FROM P.S. 131. AND OUR BRAVE LITTLE HEROES

GOOD. ZOOM IN! ZOOM IN!

PAN ACROSS.

BEAUTIFUL.

Ray: LOOK AT HIM. MACHO, BUT SENSITIVE.

YOU ARE JUST SO CUTE!

EVERY WOMAN'S DREAM.

HEY, THAT'S WHY I GRABBED HIM.

IS THAT PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY ?

ALL RIGHT, RAY. LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.

ROLL CREDITS. YES!

PRETTY CRAZY, HUH ?

OH. IT WAS GREAT.

Joan: That was fucking amazing! I'm crying up here!

How did you come up with that one ?

THAT'S JOAN.

YOU'LL GET USED TO HER.

OH, MADELINE. ONE MORE THING...

FIRST THING EACH MORNING I WANT YOU TO COPY THE FILE

THAT SAYS "SEGMENT IDEAS".

THAT WAY YOU'LL BE CAUGHT UP WITH ME, BECAUSE I DO THESE OVERNIGHT.

YOU DO? WHEN DO YOU SLEEP ?

I'M AN INSOMNIAC.

I USUALLY GET INSPIRATION AT 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

OH, ARE THESE YOUR KIDS ?

YEAH.

OH MY GOD, THEY'RE SO CUTE.

DID YOU SEE OUR PIECE, "MOM'S BACK IN THE SADDLE" ?

THE EXPERTS SAY THAT YOU SHOULDN'T PUT YOUR PICTURES UP

BECAUSE IT MAKES THE BOSS THINK YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT WORK.

OH.

NO...MADELINE, NO. COME ON.

WE ARE FAMILY FRIENDLY HERE.

WOW. THREE. MUST BE TOUGH, HUH ?

YOU CAN NOT IMAGINE...REALLY ?

BUT IT'S WORTH IT. DEFINITELY.

YOU SAY YOU SUFFER FROM INSOMNIA, RIGHT ?

YEAH.

THAT COMES IN HANDY.

TANEESHA, WATCH IT. DON'T SIT IN IT.

YES, I'M PISSED OFF.ARE YOU PISSED OFF, DADDY ?

DON'T SAY "PISSED OFF," OKAY ?

OKAY ?

HI, MOM!

MOMMY! MOMMY!

WE HAD PIZZA, ICE CREAM, AND GUMMY BEARS!

Derek: SOMEBODY'S GOTTA CHECK MY HOMEWORK!

DEREK TOOK THE YELLOW PIECE OF ROBOTIX!

NO I DIDN'T! YOU'RE A LIAR!

THAT'S ENOUGH!

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY GO INTO OUR BEDROOM AND LOOK AT TV.

NO, NO! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU GUYS ALL DAY.

PLEASE...

LOOK, YOU GO IN THERE AND LOOK AT TV.

RIGHT NOW. ONE SHOW.

DEREK! GET YOUR LITTLE BUTT BACK HERE

AND PICK UP THESE SOCKS OFF THE TABLE! IT'S DISGUSTING!

OKAY!

I GUESS YOU GUYS HAD A REAL FUN DAY, HUH ?

YEAH, I GAVE THEM A LITTLE TREAT.

SO, HOW DID IT GO ?

IT WAS VERY INTENSE, ABSOLUTELY CRAZY...

INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL, BUT...

IT BLEW ME AWAY.

THE FOCUS, THE CONCENTRATION.

NOBODY HIT ANYBODY... NOBODY THREW FOOD AROUND, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I DO.

YOU WANNA TRADE ?HELL, NO.

DEREK! WHAT DID I TELL YOU!

GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE AND GET THESE SOCKS OFF THE TABLE!

OH, FOR GOD SAKES, ROY, CALM DOWN.

BABY, IF I'M GOING TO BE HOME ALL DAY, I'M GONNA DO IT MY WAY.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT ALL YOU DO IS YELL.

HEY, YELLING IS ALL I GOT.

AND MY FATHER HAD THE BACK OF HIS HAND

BUT WE CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE, CAN WE ?

YOU KNOW, I THINK SOMETIMES YOU FORGET THEY'RE JUST LITTLE BOYS.

SOMETIMES I THINK YOU FORGET THEY'RE GONNA GROW UP TO BE MEN.

AND HUSBANDS, AND FATHERS. NOT JUST LITTLE BOYS.

DEREK, GET BACK IN HERE AND PICK UP THESE SOCKS!

HELLO ?

Hi! Can I speak to Madeline ?

MADELINE, GRACE.

OH, HI.

WE NEED A SHITLOAD OF BABY INFO.

Yeah, and we gotta get on it now.

Starting tonight, put together a database of songs that mention babies...

YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE, "BE MY BABY,"

"BABY LOVE," "BABY, BABY".

THERE'S MILLIONS, RIGHT ? ALSO BOOKS...

Baby care books, pregnancy books...

Oh, and a list of maternity fashions designers.

I want you to get that to me ASAP.

ANYWAY, THERE'S TONS. THERE'S TONS MORE.

LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO COME IN ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR EARLY TOMORROW, RIGHT ?

OKAY. What do you say, five-thirty ?

GREAT. I'LL BRING THE BAGELS.

GOODBYE. Bye, bye.

WHAT IS IT ?

GOTTA GO IN TO WORK EARLY TOMORROW.

DON'T GET TOO PUMPED UP. I DON'T LIKE TITS.

YOU GOTTA HAVE PECS TO BE AN ACTION HERO.

OH LOOK, HERE COMES MY SCENE.

YOU WATCHING ?

LIKE, YOU'RE REALLY INTO IT, HUH ?

COME ON, BABY, IT'S GOTTA LOOK LIKE I'M ENJOYING IT.

SEE, NOW THAT'S BETTER.

DON'T GO GETTIN' JEALOUS ON ME, GRACE.

JEALOUS ? JEALOUS!

ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT,

BECAUSE YOU...

YOU ARE THE SEXIEST...

THE HOTTEST...

AND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PREGNANT WOMAN THAT I KNOW.

YEAH ?

THE ONLY PREGNANT WOMAN THAT YOU KNOW.

EXCEPT FOR YOUR FAT COUSIN HILDA.

SO WHAT'S THIS AUDITION ABOUT ?

IT'S CALLED "JUNGLE LAW".

THEY'RE RECASTING FOR A COLOMBIAN DRUG LORD.

YOU'RE GONNA BE IN THE JUNGLE WHILE I'M IN LABOR ?

HONEY, THIS JUNGLE IS IN L.A. AND IT'S ONLY A TWO WEEK COMMITMENT IN JUNE.

DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT I WOULD LEAVE YOU ?

DO YOU ?

NO WAY, BABY. NO WAY WOULD I EVER LEAVE YOU,

BECAUSE THIS IS A...

TEAM COMMITMENT. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT?

STOP!

Margo: HELLO, TOKYO.

HAM RADIO.

OH MY GOD!

MY BABY!

HYPERMESIS GRAVIDARUM

OCCURS IN APPROXIMATELY 1 IN 200 PREGNANCIES.

CHORIOAMNIONITIS, WHICH IS AN INFECTION

BELIEVED TO BE RESPONSIBLE OF THE MEMBRANES.TURE

Joan: Where the hell did we get this guy ?

What the fuck is he talking about ?

I DON'T KNOW.

ABSOLUTE MASCULINE VIBES!

MASCULINE! MASCULINE'S OW-OOOO!

WITH KIND OF A FEMININE VIBE THROUGH IT.

OH, YOUR BABY'S "BI" --

WHAT, "BI" ?

COASTAL. COASTAL IS WHAT I MEANT.

Joan: THANKS TO GRACE'S BABY,

THE 24 HOUR WOMAN IS ON THE MAP.

WE HAVE A NEILSEN RATING!

I GOTTA PEE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Eddie: WATCH OUT, BRUCE WILLIS,

BECAUSE EDDIE DIAZ IS GONNA GET YOU, BABY!

CHECK THIS OUT...

Margo: BRING OUT THE BREAD AND MUSTARD.

THE HAM IS HERE.

THIS IS REALLY HEALTHY FOR SOMEONE IN THEIR FORTIETH WEEK.

IT IS A VERY HEALTHY THING.

ALL RIGHT, MY LOVE.

Crystal: OKAY, THAT MAKES TWO OF THOSE.

A TOAST, A TOAST!

A TOAST, EVERYONE!

TO GRACE AND EDDIE AND THEIR BABY.

BEST OF HEALTH.

AND WE PRAY TO GOD THE KID GETS HERE ON TIME FOR SWEEPS.

'CAUSE BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

WE HAVE A REAL SHOT AT NUMBER FOUR AND I WANT IT.

NUMBER FOUR! NUMBER FOUR!

Margo: REGIS AND KATHY LEE...

WATCH YOUR BONY ASS!

Joan: GRACE, HOW'S THAT HOSPITAL LOOKING ?

WELL, THEY WON'T LET THE ENTIRE CREW IN FOR THE ACTUAL BIRTH.

IT'S FOR SOME STUPID INSURANCE REASON.

I'M TRYING TO GET CLEARANCE.

SURE, THEY DON'T WANT IT ON FILM IF THEY FUCK UP

AND YOU END UP SUING.

YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU TIRED ?

I'M FINE...BABY, YOU OKAY ?

I'M JUST GOING TO THE BATHROOM.

YEAH...HEY, GRACE ?

YEAH, I'M FINE.YOU OKAY IN THERE ?

I'LL BE OUT IN JUST A SECOND, OKAY ?

Grace: EPIDURAL... METHODS TO INDUCE LABOR...

OH, GOD.

DO YOU REALIZE I'VE DONE EVERY POSSIBLE SEGMENT

THERE IS TO DO ON BEING PREGNANT ?

IT WILL ALL BE OVER SOON.

GRACE, WHAT IS THAT SMELL ?

IT'S THE HERBAL TEA MY MOTHER SENT.

"WOMEN'S MOON-CYCLE TEA" ?

EDDIE, IT'S JUST TEA, OKAY ?

IT'S ANTI-STRESS TEA.

PERFECT. MAYBE WE SHOULD GET SOME FOR JOAN.

BECAUSE I'M TELLIN' YOU, IF YOU DON'T HAVE THIS BABY SOON...

I THINK SHE'S THE ONE THAT'S GONNA GO INTO LABOR.

WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM ME ?

THE WOMAN, SHE'S JUST... DRIVING ME CRAZY, I SWEAR!

I'M TWO DAYS LATE

AND EVERYBODY'S ACTING LIKE I'M DOING SOMETHING WRONG HERE!

BABY, LISTEN TO ME. GRACE...

THE BABY'S GONNA COME WHEN IT COMES, OKAY ?

YOU CAN'T GET ALL EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT.

OH SHUT UP! SHUT UP, EDDIE.

LOOK, I'M SORRY I'M SO EMOTIONAL, OKAY ?

I'M AN EMOTIONAL PERSON!

DO YOU WANT SOME TEA, BABY ?

FUCK THE TEA.

FEEL GOOD ?

YEAH.

EDDIE I DON'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT ANYMORE.

I'M SORRY. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OVER, OKAY ?

I WOULD IF I COULD, YOU KNOW THAT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

LOOH AT THAT... SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

AND LOOK AT HER BABY. THEY LOOK SO BLISSED OUT.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, RIGHT ?

JUST TELL ME THAT OUR BABY IS GOING TO COME OUT FINE

AND EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL.

I PROMISE YOU THAT OUR BABY'S GONNA BE...INCREDIBLE.

I PROMISE YOU THAT, OKAY?

OKAY.

Eddie: GUYS, LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER, LILY ANNA DIAZ.

THAT WAS SO SWEET. YOU BOTH LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

THANKS, MADELINE.

WE'LL GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR RIGHT NOW SO YOU CAN REST UP. OKAY ?

THANKS, GUYS.

YOU DON'T WANNA STAY, JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE ?

NO, YOU NEED AS MUCH REST AS YOU CAN GET, OKAY ?

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE SHOW, EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.

YOU GOT A BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER TO TEND TO.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE CARE.

THANKS.

ALL RIGHT, SHE'S AWAKE, SO I'LL LET HER ROOM IN WITH YOU. OKAY ?

OH, NO. COULD YOU TAKE HER, I'M SO TIRED, AND I'M SO SORE.

IT WOULD BE REALLY WONDERFUL FOR YOU TWO TO BOND RIGHT NOW.

THOSE FIRST FEW HOURS AFTER BIRTH ARE CRUCIAL FOR BONDING.

YOU BUZZ ME IF YOU NEED ME, OKAY ?

HI.

HI...

YOU WANT A DRINK...? YOU WANT...?

NURSE ?

YEAH, TELL THEM GRACE SANTOS IS ON MATERNITY LEAVE,

THEY SHOULD SPEAK TO ME.

MADELINE LaBELLE. OKAY, THANK YOU.

OKAY, I JUST NEED TO SAY SOMETHING HERE.

YOU LEFT AT SIX-FIFTEEN LAST NIGHT.

HOW CAN YOU LEAVE SO EARLY AND GET EVERYTHING DONE

FOR THE NEXT DAY'S SHOW ?

WELL, WHAT HASN'T BEEN DONE ?

WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE PANTYHOSE EXPOSE ?

WE'RE WAITIN' ON SAMPLES.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THEM TO COME TO US...

THAT AIRS TOMORROW.

AND WHAT ABOUT DOCTOR ALTON ?

HE'S CONFIRMED. I SPOKE TO HIS AGENT LAST NIGHT.

OH, YOU DID ?

I DO HAVE A PHONE AT HOME.

YOU NEED TO GET ON THOSE PANTYHOSE.

YOU KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE INVOLVED IN EVERY LITTLE DETAIL.

I'D LIKE TO BE PART OF THE MOMMY CLUB AND HAVE AN EIGHT HOUR DAY.

I JUST COULDN'T BREATHE,

AND...MY STOMACH WAS HURTING REALLY BADLY.

AND WE WENT TO THIS CLUB...

WHEN I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL,

THE DOCTOR SAID I WAS BEING STRANGLED BY MY PANTYHOSE.

GREAT, THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

YEAH.

MOTHER, I'VE GOT IT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S GONNA DO, FALL OFF ?

THERE'S THE BEAUTY QUEEN.

OF THE CIGARETTE. BE CAREFUL

SHE LOOKS LIKE THE ABUELAS...

OH MY GOD, OLGA, SOMOS ABUELAS.

DON'T BLOW SMOKE.

YEAH, I KNOW THIS TIME. RIGHT. OKAY...WELL, GO AHEAD.

Eddie: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS HIDING EVERYTHING ?

I DIDN'T HIDE IT, IT WAS THERE. OH MY GOD, WHAT A MESS!

Eddie: IT LOOKS OKAY, MA. GRACE, WILL YOU HELP HER ?

SHE'S ON THE PHONE AGAIN. YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE.

EDDIE'S GOT AN AUDITION. YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR BABY.

YEAH, GREAT. THIS IS SO GOOD.

JOAN, LET ME CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.

EDDIE, THAT WAS JOAN.

WE SCORED A 2.6 NEILSEN RATING, AND, CBS WANTS TO PICK US UP.

WE'RE GOIN' NETWORK.ARE YOU SERIOUS ?

YEAH.THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

EDDIE, SHE'S SMILING!

SHE'S SO TINY.

YOU THINK OF ALL THOSE SICK PEOPLE THAT HAVE BABIES

AND THEN THROW THEM IN GARBAGE CANS.

SHE'S PROBABLY HUNGRY. I'LL TAKE HER.

YOU SEE MY SON ?

Olga: YOU'RE LUCKY. HIS FATHER NEVER LIFTED A FINGER.

HER FATHER DIDN'T STAY AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO SMELL A DIAPER...

MUCH LESS CHANGE ONE.

MA...

THEY'RE BOTH PROFESSIONALS, OLGA.

PATTY. YEAH. LISTEN...

I GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE ALL OF A SUDDEN.

LEMME CALL YOU BACK...

I just want to know, did you see the show today ?

NO, I MISSED IT. I'M WATCHING THE TAPE NOW.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS. YAPPITY-YAP IS OVER.

TIME TO GO. LET'S GO, MOM.

I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR MY AUDITION.

YOU ARE GOING TO SOUR YOUR MILK TALKING ABOUT WORK.

Listen, I know you're busy, first chance you get...

PATTY, LISTEN... OTHER LINE. YEAH.

OKAY. CALL YOU BACK. BYE.

BYE-BYE, LILLY ANNA.

OKAY. SO ALL YOU NEED IS A BATHTUB...

Linda: GOD. I NEED A CIGARETTE.

SHE'S NOT TAKING THE BREAST, MAMI.

YOU THINK IT'S THE SMOKE ?

NO, MA. SHE JUST...

SHE JUST CRIES SOMETIMES FOR NO REASON.

GOD, DO I REMEMBER THAT.

IT WAS LIKE WHEN YOUR FATHER TOOK OFF,

YOU CRIED FOR THREE MONTHS STRAIGHT.

FIFTEEN MINUTES OF THIS,

AND YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON.

Linda: FIFTEEN MINUTES ALONE ? WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM ?

WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS, YOU DON'T EVEN GET TO PEE ALONE.

GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO BE A LUNCHBOX WOMAN.

LEMME HELP.

I KNOW THIS WILL WORK.

YEAH, MAMI... YEAH...

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE BORN, MIA...

I THOUGH I WAS GONNA HAVE MORE TIME TOO.

I WAS GONNA WRITE MY NOVEL WHILE YOU SLEPT.

THAT WAS A JOKE.

YOU NEVER SLEPT. I NEVER SLEPT.

I HAD THE CREATIVITY OF A PRISONER OF WAR.

AND TAKING A SHOWER, THAT WAS A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT.

MOM, WHAT TIME'S YOUR FLIGHT ?

MY FLIGHT...?

OH MY GOD, MY CAB'S GONNA BE HERE IN A HALF-HOUR, MI HIJA.

SORRY, I JUST CAN'T MISS THE WINTER SOLSTICE.

THE GIRLS WOULD NEVER FORGIVE ME.

YOU KNOW, HONEY, IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

HEY, ROY, YOU SURE YOU GOT OUT THAT RING AROUND THE COLLAR ?

JUST GO BACK TO WORK, HUH, LEON ?

OH, NO. I WANT YOUR JOB, ROY. STAY HOME AND DO THE HOUSEWORK.

LET SOME PRETTY YOUNG THING BRING HOME THE BACON.

DAMN IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT!

I'M LOSING IT!

GRACE, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ?

EDDIE, I SWEAR, I UNDERSTAND CHILD ABUSE NOW.

I CAN PICTURE MYSELF JUST THROWING HER OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW.

OH, GOD...!

GRACE. GRACE...GRACE! COME ON!

GO LIE DOWN, OKAY ?

GRACE.

GRACE ?

WHAT ? SHE WANTS YOU.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT ?

SHE WANTS YOU.

GRACE...I HAVE TO GET UP IN A FEW HOURS...OKAY ?

AND I DON'T FUCKIN' NEED SLEEP ?

WELL THEN FUCKIN' TAKE A NAP TOMORROW.

YOU'RE HOME!

WHAT IS IT, GRACE ?

ABSOLUTELY. YOU'RE THE PARENT, ASSERT YOURSELF.

BECAUSE NEW BABIES WANT AND NEED A SET ROUTINE.

THE WORST THING IS TO HAVE A NEW BABY DISRUPT YOUR LIFE.

IT'S FUNNY YOU SAID THAT, BECAUSE WE'RE COMPLETELY DISRUPTED AT THE HOUSE.

Woman: JUST TELL MOMMY SHE NEEDS TO SET UP A WRITTEN SCHEDULE...

WITH A WAKE-UP TIME AND COVERS ALL THE FACETS OF YOUR BABY'S LIFE.

Eddie: THANKS. YOU HEAR THAT, GRACE ?

GOTTA GET THAT BABY ORGANIZED.

IT WORKED FOR YOU, HUH ?

COME ON, TANEESHA, LET'S GO.

DADDY, I WANT CANDY.

I WANT CANDY! TANEESHA COME ON. WE GOTTA GO HOME.

I WANT CANDY!IT'S TOO EARLY IN THE DAY, YOU'RE GONNA...

I WANT CANDY!DON'T YOU - HEY.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

I WANT M AND M'S!DON'T YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY.

I'LL GIVE YOU A SNACK WHEN WE GET HOME.

NO!COME ON, TURN, THIS WAY...

ALL RIGHT, LOOK. COME HERE.

NO!

LEAVE ME ALONE!DON'T YOU KICK ME!

EXCUSE ME... YOU'RE HER FATHER ?

HE'S NOT MY DADDY!I AM YOUR DADDY.

HE'S NOT YOUR FATHER ?

NO. HE'S ANGRY AT ME. HE'S A MEAN MAN.

IS HE YOUR DADDY ?I AM NOT A MEAN MAN.

HE'S NOT YOUR FATHER ?NO- YES!

I'M HER FATHER, OKAY ? I'M NOT MEAN...

AND WE'RE GOING HOME.

YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE HER FATHER, SHE'S SAYING...YOU'RE NOT ?

LOOK, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT SHE SAID,

I'M HER FATHER, ALL RIGHT ?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CURSE AT ME.

I WANT MY MOMMY!

MOHAMMAD, CALL THE POLICE. CALL THE POLICE RIGHT NOW.

Brenda: FedEX AND FAXES ON YOUR DESK, AND CHECK YOUR E-MAIL.

Madeline: OKAY, WHO'S THIS ?

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER, ANGIE.

SHE HAD A HALF A DAY AND WE HAD NO BABYSITTER SO SHE'S HELPING MOMMY.

I LOVE IT THAT SHE'S HERE.

HURRICANE JOAN...

HOW'S THAT FAO SCHWARTZ PIECE COMING ?

DONE.

DID YOU GET SANTA WITH THE KIDDIES ?

IT'S ROY.I'LL CALL HIM BACK.

WE GOT IT ALL. IT'S A GREAT SEGMENT. TOM WILL SHOW IT TO YOU.

EXCELLENT.

HE SAID IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

WHAT IS IT, ROY ?

IS EVERTHING OKAY ?

No, everything's not okay.

I have a man here who thinks I kidnapped Taneesha.

The most humiliating Goddamn thing...

WHAT ? LEMME TALK TO THE MAN.

YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU SEE A SCREAMING CHILD,

A MAN DRAGGING HER AWAY...

YES. NO, NO. PLEASE, MA'AM.

If you don release him--

WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR WIFE?

NO, I'LL TALK TO HER LATER.

MORE OFTEN THAN NOT,

THE PARENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR INFANT TRAGEDIES.

LEARN CPR...FIRST AID...

Grace: THANK GOD SHE'S STILL BREATHING.

EDUCATE YOURSELF! YES !

ARE YOU HUNGRY ?

Hi, Grace and Eddie. Leave a message at the beep.

Hello, Grace. Grace, it's Joan.

Emergency! Pick up!

Come on, I know you're there, pick up!

HELLO ? Oh thank God, we gotta talk, Grace.

GOOD... By the way, how's it going ?

YEAH, I'M GETTING LOTS DONE HERE.

I can't wait to get you back here.

CBS pushed our first air date up by a week...

and I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.

We're playing with the big boys now.

SURE... We gotta rethink the whole fucking format of the show.

MAYBE I COULD BRING THE BABY IN. LISTEN, JOAN, I WAS THINKING

JUST MY FIRST FEW WEEKS BACK. Bring her in ?

NOT A LOT. TWO OR THREE.

It would be a distraction. Baby Madness is over.

We are under pressure to come up with some big glossy morning talk show theme.

Pull yourself together. I need you back Monday clear-headed and ready to work.

HELLO ?Hello ?

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE THE RIGHT NUMBER...

I'M LOOKING FOR THE PROFESSIONAL NANNY COMPANY.

Oh, yeah, that's me. Hold on a second.

Who said I bounced a check!

HI, BABY.

HI. SHH! THE BABY'S SLEEPING.

WHAT IS THAT ?

THIS FUCKIN' THING. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN'T GET IT TO WORK.

AREN'T THE MANUAL ONES EASIER ?

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS THING, HUH ?

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW...

GRACE, OKAY. JEEZE.

BRENDA CALLED, SHE LEFT THIS NUMBER FOR YOU.

YOU WANT ME TO CALL 'EM?

THE NANNY ACADEMY. NO, I JUST TRIED 'EM.

GOD I SWEAR I'M GONNA DO A SEGMENT ON FINDING A SITTER.

I'M GONNA CALL IT "NANNY IN A HAYSTACK".

BRENDA'S GOT A FRIEND. WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL BRENDA ?

CHERYL ? NO.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH NEWBORNS.

HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN ASLEEP ?

SINCE TWELVE.

WHAT ? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAKE HER UP...

NOW SHE'S GONNA BE UP ALL FUCKING NIGHT AGAIN.

GRACE, I AM BEING SERIOUS.DON'T START.

YES, COULD I PUT YOU ON HOLD FOR A MOMENT, PLEASE ?

WE COULD PULL DEANNE OR THE PEDICURE SPOT UP TO 9:05.

OKAY.MAKE IT DEANNE.

ROY, YOU ARE FUCKING KILLING ME.

HOW THE FUCK AM I-- ? I'M KILLING YOU ?

TAKING MY KIDS SHOPPING... I ALMOST GET ARRESTED

AND I'M FUCKING KILLING YOU. I'M TIRED OF THIS WHOLE SHIT, MADELINE. SHIT...

ROY...

YOU BETTER PICK UP DINNER 'CAUSE I'M NOT MOTHERFUCKIN' COOKING.

STOP CALLING ME HERE, OR I MAY BE OUT OF A MOTHERFUCKIN' JOB...

AND WE WILL LOSE THAT MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE IN THAT MOTHERFUCKING NEIGBORHOOD.

AND FUCK DINNER. ORDER PIZZA.

LISTEN GRACE.

I TOLD CHERYL TO STOP BY TONIGHT.

THAT WAY WE CAN AT LEAST MEET HER.

WHAT ?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD HER TO COME OVER.

GRACE, YOU HAVE TO WORK MONDAY. WE NEED SOMEBODY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CONSULT ME ON THIS ?

COME ON. YOU'VE INTERVIEWED 2000 PEOPLE.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING TOO FUSSY ?

FUSSY? EDDIE, SHE'S FIVE WEEKS OLD.

I DON'T THINK I'M BEING TOO FUSSY.

SO FAR, ALL I'VE MET IS NAZI-NURSES

AND EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED WOMEN WITH NO SKILLS.

IF YOU CAN'T FIND SOMEBODY TO TAKE CARE OF HER,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK WORK AND STAY HOME ?

WHY DON'T YOU FUCK WORK AND STAY HOME.

SHE'S YOUR BABY, TOO.

WELL, SHE'S HERE.

HI, I'M CHERYL CULLY.

HI.CHERYL, EDDIE.

I GOT GOOD NEWS.

WHAT ?

YOU KNOW RUSS IS RETIRING IN MAY.

AND HE'S GOT THIS... YOU KNOW, BREAD ROUTE.

BREAD ROUTE ?

YEAH.

RUSSELL SAID I COULD TAKE IT OVER IF I WANTED TO.

NOW LOOK...

THESE ROUTES ARE HARD TO COME BY.

IT IS LIKE OWNING YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT ?

IF I START WORK AT FIVE-THIRTY, WHAT TIME ARE YOU GOING TO START ?

I GOT IT ALL WORKED OUT.

I GET UP AT TWO, I GO AND LOAD MY TRUCK,

I'M BACK HERE BY FOUR-FIFTEEN.

I'LL TAKE NEESHA OVER TO BERNICE AT SEVEN.

DROP THE BOYS OFF ALONG THE ROUTE.

I'LL BE DONE IN TIME TO PICK THEM UP AT THREE.

I DON'T KNOW ROY, WE ARE ALREADY SPREADING OURSELVES TOO THIN.

MADELINE, I NEED TO GET SOME REAL WORK.

OH, SO RAISING YOU KIDS IS NOT REAL WORK ?

OH COME ON.

I JUST WANT TO TAKE ON A JOB, WHY CAN'T I DO BOTH ?

SO SHE WAS NICE.

YEAH.

YEAH.YOU LIKED HER ?

HEY...

IT WILL BE GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK, GRACE.

MISSED YOU.

PEEK-A-BOO.

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU LIKE THE PATTERNS ?

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.

MAMA, WE ARE LEAVING SOON.

I ALMOST FINISHED HERE.

WATCH SHE DON'T GET CROSSED EYES LOOKING AT THAT.

OH NO, MRS. DIAZ..

I HOLD THEM 12 INCHES AWAY FROM HER FACE.

SO SHE CAN FOCUS. SEE ?

I'M STUDYING EARLY CHILDHOOD DEVELOPMENT.

BABIES LOVE THESE. SEE ?

SHE IS SO SMART.

THE IDEA OF REFLEXOLOGY...

IS THAT DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE BODY

ARE RESPRESENTED ON DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE FEET.

LIKE YOUR BODY'S MAPPED OUT DOWN HERE.

When I rub this part of your toe, that's the naughty part.

Eddie: Honey, she's kidding.

HEY GIRLS YOU WANT OUR MUSIC

OR SOMETHING FROM THAT CHICK SINGER CD?

NO, THE THEME SONG.

OKAY MUSIC UP AND ROLL CREDITS.

HEY, YOU OKAY ?

BRENDA KNOWS CHERYL REALLY WELL RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND HER REFERENCES CHECKED OUT ?

YEAH.

WELL THEN LILLY'S IN REALLY GOOD HANDS.

WE ARE OUT IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE,

TWO, ONE.

MY BREASTS HURT. YEAH.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE HOME FEEDING HER.

GO CALL HER.

GO, CALL HER.

NO, I DID ALREADY,

RIGHT BEFORE WE WENT ON AIR.

THAT IS ALL RIGHT. CALL HER AGAIN.

GO ON.

OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WOMEN TODAY HAVE TO LEAVE THEIR BABIES TO WORK.

IT IS A SIN.

MY MOM DID THE SAME WITH ME.

YOU DIDN'T WORK?

NO. NEVER.

I WORK. YEAH.

BECAUSE YOU WERE POOR, MAMA.

MY HUSBAND WAS A GOOD PROVIDER.

MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW WANTS TO BE LIKE A MAN.

I THINK IT IS VERY DANGEROUS.

YOU WORK, IT IS GOOD.

HELLO ?

HI CHERYL.Hi Grace.

Everything is fine, she's doing really well.

CAN I SPEAK TO HER.

SURE, SHE IS RIGHT HERE.

Hi honey, it is mommy.

I miss you.

HEY SHE SMILED, SHE RECOGNIZED YOUR VOICE.

GREAT, COULD YOU PUT HER BACK ON.

Sure, hold on a second, here she is.

Lilly it is mommy again.

HI, HI BABY. HI.

MOMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH.

YES SHE DOES,

SHE WILL BE HOME REAL SOON, OKAY ?

Announcer: WOMAN, NOW ON CBS. 24 HOUR

MEN ARE MORE OUTWARD WITH THEIR ANGER,

WOMEN TEND TO INTERNALIZE IT.

MEN PLACE BLAME, WOMEN FEEL GUILT.

MEN EXPLODE. WOMEN IMPLODE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW,

THERE ARE PLENTY OF TIMES I FEEL LIKE DECKING SOMEONE.

RIGHT, HERE IS MARGO EXPRESSING ANGER.

THIS IS DECAF!

I CAN'T DRINK THIS!

EDDIE! PLEASE COME BACK. WHERE ARE YOU!

Cheryl: WHERE IS THE MONKEY?

IS THERE A MONKEY, BIRTHDAY GIRL ?

WE ARE GOING TO BLOW UP ALL THESE BALLOONS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, LILLY.

HAVE A BIG PARTY.

AND DADDY IS GOING TO BE THERE, AND MOMMY.

IN AN UPCOMING BOOK THAT I'M PUTTING OUT.

WHAT IS THAT CALLED?

CALLED, "I KNOW YOU ARE ANGRY. AND SO AM I".

Joan: This whole thing is out of control.

LISTEN WE GOT THIS GREAT MUSIC, EVERYONE WILL BE IN DRAG.

In drag!

JOAN, SEX-SWITCH-A-ROO IS A GREAT WAY TO END SEX WEEK.

Stop, you are not going to talk me into this one.

IT IS GOING TO BE FUNNY.You know you arekilling me.

You are killing me. I'm in the middle of sweeps.

I have got network execs up my ass.

And this whole sex week thing is getting very sleazy.

FINE, THEN WE WILL FORGET IT.

Damn right I'll forget it. I won't have any stinking deviant on my show!

THE SUITS WILL BE VISITING TODAY.

SHOULD I THANK THEM FOR CUTTING ANY ORIGINALITY

RIGHT OUT OF THE SHOW ?

THEY CAN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE RATINGS THOUGH.

NO.

WHAT IS THAT CRAP ?

I'M RUBBER AND YOU ARE GLUE, WHAT EVER YOU SAY TO ME BOUNCES...

TANEESHA DON'T TOUCH THOSE BUTTONS.

I HOPE ROY GETS HERE BEFORE THE SUITS FIND A FOUR-YEAR-OLD

IN THE CONTROL ROOM.

YOU KNOW WHAT, THE HELL WITH THEM.

SEX WEEK CONTINUES ON THE 24 HOUR WOMAN.

WHEN WE TELL YOU ABOUT THE TOP TEN APHRODISIACS.

ALSO, HOW MANY CALORIES DOES SEX ACTUALLY WORK OFF?

FIND OUT ON THE BURNING LOVE WORK OUT.

AND UP NEXT, LADIES WITH LUGERS.

ARM YOURSELF WITH STYLE.

JIM THERE ARE ONLY FOUR GUNS OUT THERE.

THIS IS NOT HOW WE REHEARSED IT.

JIM, THEY LOOK PUNY!

HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME, WHAT AM DOING UP HERE, YOU KNOW?

SO, WHEN'S EDDIE BACK?

TODAY.

THANK GOD. YOU KNOW...

LAST NIGHT I DIDN'T GET IN UNTIL EIGHT O'CLOCK...

AND THEN I SPENT THE WHOLE EVENING DECORATING THE APARTMENT

FOR LILLY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

THAT IS RIGHT, IT IS HER BIRTHDAY TODAY.

IS SHE WALKING YET?

ANY DAY NOW, IT IS JUST SO COOL.

HANG ON.

YEAH, JOAN. You see what I see?Goddamn shit!

I KNOW I'M LOOKING AT THE GUNS RIGHT NOW.

Fuck the guns, look at "Wake Up New York".

Look at who they have got on tomorrow.

JIM, COULD YOU TURN UP THE VOLUME PLEASE?

JIM, COULD YOU TURN UP THE DAMN VOLUME!

TOMMOROW WE WILL BE TALKING WITH BEST SELLING AUTHOR,

DOCTOR SUSANNE PINCUS ABOUT HER NEW BOOK,

"GROW UP, KICKING YOUR INNER CHILD'S BUTT."

I DON'T KNOW.How the hell did they get her!

I WAS TOLD SHE WAS OUT OF TOWN.

Well, she is obviously not, is she?

How the fuck could you let her get away!

I want everyone in my office at 10:05.

Because I don't care if she is not exclusive, I want her on tomorrow.

FUCK.

HOW THE HELL COULD BOTH OF YOU GUYS LET HER GET AWAY!

LOOK, SHE HAS THIS PUBLICITY ARMY,

I CANNOT EVEN GET THROUGH TO THE MAIN GUY.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE FAX, I HAVE IT HERE.

MADELINE, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ?

I COPIED THE MEMO TO YOU, THEY TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS IN LONDON.

LORI, I DIDN'T GET A MEMO.

ON LINE TWO. I GOT THE PUBLICIST

SHE'S GOT THE PUBLICIST ON THE LINE, LORI.

ELLIOT. HI, GRACE SANTOS, 24 HOUR WOMAN.

LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WENT WRONG.

BUT IF SUSAN PINCUS IS IN NEW YORK, I WANT HER.

MRS. SANTOS, MRS. PINCUS LEAVES FOR LONDON TOMORROW.

GRACE, CARVEL IS ON LINE THREE.

THAT IS FINE, I CAN PUT HER ON TOMORROW MORNING.

I'm sorry she is already committed to the other show.

EDDIE ON SIX AND CARVEL'S STILL HOLDING.

...and she has a book signing tonight.

I'M SORRY.

TELL EDDIE TO HOLD. HE IS AT HOME RIGHT?

WHAT!

I SAID SHE HAS A BOOK SIGNING TONIGHT.

NO, SORRY. UMM, ELLIOT,

COULD YOU HOLD FOR A MINUTE, THANKS.

EDDIE?

DON'T MOVE.Carvel, hello?

GRACE SANTOS, YOU CALLED ME! IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE CAKE?

NO. I'M MUST CONFIRMING YOU WANTED HAPPY BIRTHDAY LILLY.

Is that vanilla with rocky road with chocolate sprinkles ?

NO, THAT IS HALF VANILLA, HALF CHOCOLATE WITH RAINBOW SPRINKLES.

You need to pick it up by five.

OKAY, FINE. EDDIE WHERE ARE YOU?

HEY LISTEN HONEY, I'M STILL IN L.A.

THE LAB FUCKED UP, THEY HAVE TO RESHOOT MY CLOSEUP FOR THE EXPLOSION.

EDDIE DON'T DO THIS TO ME, THIS IS LILLY'S BIRTHDAY.

OH, GOD...

WHO IS GOING TO PICK UP THE CAKE ?

LOOK GRACE, I TOLD YOU TO WAIT UNTIL THE WEEKEND.

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE FUCKING WEEKEND, TODAY IS HER BIRTHDAY.

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU EDDIE.

Grace ? Hello ?

ELLIOT. HELLO ?

ELLIOT ? HELLO, ELLIOT ?

SHIT!

OLGA...Hello ?

TO DO ME A FAVOR. YES, I NEED YOU

CAN YOU GO TO CARVEL AND PICK UP LILLY'S BIRTHDAY CAKE?

LATE?I'm going to be late.

YOU GOT 50 PEOPLE COMING AT SEVEN.

GRACE ? CHERYL ON LINE TWO.

OLGA, HOLD ON FOR A SECOND.

CHERYL, WHAT IS WRONG ?

LILLY IS JUST A LITTLE BITFUSSY RIGHT NOW.

WE JUST CALLED TO SAY HI.

LET ME GIVE HER THE PHONE.

Shh, YOU KNOW WHAT ?

MOMMY IS GOING TO GET YOU A BIG CAKE.

AND A BIG SURPRISE. YES, SHE IS.

I'M GOING TO PUT YOU ON HOLD.

OLGA, NOW LISTEN...

THE GUY FROM "LUGERS FOR LADIES" LEFT THIS BEHIND.

AND I DON'T WANT TANEESHA TO TOUCH IT.

WILL YOU LOCK IT UP ?

MADDY, MADDY, MADDY.

SUSANNE PINCUS IS GOING TO BE ON A BOOK SIGNING.

FIND OUT WHEN AND WHERE.

WHERE IS EDDIE, WHY CAN'T HE PICK UP THE CAKE ?

OLGA, HE IS NOT COMING.

HE'S NOT COMING!No, he's not.

WHERE IS HE ?

HE IS IN L.A. AND HE IS NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE IT.

Grace! Pick up!

Come in here, please!

THEY ARE DYING TO MEET YOU,

AND I'M CHECKING IN TO MAKE SURE THAT SEX-SWITCHEROO BIT WE TALKED ABOUT

IS STILL IN THE WORKS FOR FRIDAY.

SEX-SWITCHEROO.

Just have to do it, Grace.GREAT, YOU GOT IT.

CHERYL...

I'M GOING TO BE HOME AT SEVEN OKAY. I LOVE YOU, YES I DO.

CHERYL ?

CHERYL, YEAH.

Do you think you are going to make it ?

I'M GOING TO BE THERE, THANKS. BYE.

SUSANNE PINCUS IS AT THE POSEMAN BOOKSTORE ON UNIVERSITY AT SEVEN P.M.

HEY, GRACE, LET ME GO AFTER SUSANNE PINCUS FOR YOU.

NO THANKS, MADDY, BUT IT IS MY ASS ON THE LINE, NOT YOURS.

ARE YOU SURE ? YOU GOT SO MUCH GOING ON

WITH THE BABY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AND ALL.

OH FUCK IT. OH SHIT!

FUCK, I FORGOT LILLY'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

I CAN GET IT AT HERALD SQUARE.

LOOK, IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU ?

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU PICK UP MY DAUGHTER'S FIRST BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR ME ?

AND WHILE YOU ARE AT IT, WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY THE REALTORS' OFFICE

AND FIND ME A BIGGER APARTMENT? MADDY, I'M SORRY.

I'LL JUST DO IT ALL. I'LL JUST FUCKING DO IT.

EXCUSE ME, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT AT THE BACK OF THE LINE.

OH, I'M NOT HERE FOR AN AUTOGRAPH.

I PRODUCE A SHOW CALLED--

YOU WANT TO TALK TO DOCTOR PINCUS, YOU HAVE TO BUY A BOOK.

NO SEE, THIS IS A BUSINESS MATTER.

IF THIS IS A BUSINESS MATTER, CALL THE OFFICE.

NO, I TRIED THAT.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SPEAK TO DOCTOR PINCUS MYSELF.

YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO DOCTOR PINCUS, YOU HAVE TO BUY A BOOK.

FINE, I'LL BUY A BOOK.

AND UMM, WAIT IN LINE.

THE BACK OF THE LINE. THANK YOU.

WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FIVE YEARS,

AND I DON'T KNOW, IT SEEMS THAT HE--

I'M READY TO GET MARRIED, AND I'M REALLY IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY,

AND IT JUST SEEMS LIKE HE DOESN'T WANT TO COMMIT.

DUMP HIM IF HE WON'T COMMIT,

HE DOESN'T REALLY LOVE YOU ANYWAY.

DOCTOR PINCUS, GRACE SANTOS, PRODUCER OF "THE 24 HOUR WOMAN".

WAIT A MINUTE, I WAS HERE FIRST.

DOCTOR SUE.

SHE IS RIGHT. DUMP HIM. HE IS A JERK.

IT IS OKAY, YOU ARE THE WOMAN WHO HAD THE BABY.

I WATCHED THE SHOW THAT DAY.

DOCTOR PINCUS, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN A RUSH,

BUT I HAVE BEEN TRYING -- DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET YOU ON MY SHOW.

SO, YOU SHOULD TALK TO MY PUBLICIST.

ACTUALLY, YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR PUBLICIST.

BECAUSE HE OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING

IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BOOKED YET.

OH ?

DOCTOR PINCUS, MORE VIEWERS WATCH "THE 24 HOUR WOMAN"

THAN ANY OTHER EARLY MORNING SHOW.

GUARANTEED BY THE END OF NEXT WEEK,

WE WILL BE THE NUMBER ONE MORNING SHOW IN NEW YORK.

IF YOU WANT THESE WOMEN TO HEAR YOUR MESSAGE,

DO OUR SHOW TOMMOROW MORNING.

I'M ON "EMA" TOMMOROW, I CAN'T.

I KNOW, YOU ARE ON AT EIGHT O'CLOCK.

NOT GOOD FOR YOU AT ALL.

EVERY MOTHER WILL BE RUSHING THEIR KID OFF TO SCHOOL DURING THAT TIME SLOT.

LISTEN, I CAN GIVE YOU A FULL TEN MINUTES.

STRAIGHT INTO ROSIE O'DONNEL TIME.

ANY FORMAT YOU WANT, YOU CALL THE SHOTS.

IS THAT YOU BEEPING ?

ACTUALLY, I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING EXCEPT YOU SAYING, "YES".

MADDY, YEAH, SET IT UP. ONE ON ONE WITH MARGO.

NINE-FORTY SEVEN TO FIFTY-SEVEN. NO, NO COMMERCIAL BREAKS.

LET JOAN KNOW IMMEDIATELY.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME, I WAS AN ANIMAL!

OH SHIT. I GOT TO GO, BYE.

OLGA, YES, I'LL BE THERE.

I'M JUST GETTING A PRESENT. OKAY, BYE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. I NEED A STRAWBERRY MUFFIN BABY.

AISLE C-5, IF THERE ARE ANY LEFT.

WHY DID YOU SEND ME OVER THERE ?

YOU HAVE LEMON, YOU HAVE BLUEBERRY, YOU HAVE APPLE.

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING EXCEPT STRAWBERRY MUFFIN BABY.

I NEED STRAWBERRY MUFFIN BABY.

LOOK LADY, WHATEVER WE HAVE OUT THERE IS WHAT WE HAVE.

DID YOU CHECK BY THE MUFFIN BABY COMIC BOOKS ?

NO. YES, BUT THERE'S NOTHING THERE.

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT.

WELL, THEN, WE DON'T HAVE ANY LEFT.

NO, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME!

I NEED IT.RELAX. RELAX.

I'M SORRY.

WE HAVE THIS THING CALLED "THE MUFFIN SHOP."

IT HAS ALL THE CHARACTERS IN IT.

AND YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT.

AND IT IS $300. YOU WANT IT?

$300 ? I CAN DO $300.

YES, I WANT IT, I WANT IT.

THERE IT IS, RIGHT THERE. THAT'S LAST ONE, TOO.

SIR!

HOW LONG ARE WE GOING TO WAIT ?

YOU KNOW, THE ICE-CREAM CAKE DON'T FIT IN THE FREEZER.

WE GOTTA EAT THAT THING.

TAXI!

TAXI!

TAXI!

THAT IS MINE! THAT IS MINE!

THANK YOU, THAT IS MINE! THANK YOU!

JUST PULL OVER PLEASE. SIR ?

NOW! THANK YOU.

HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU ?

HERE KEEP THE CHANGE.

HEY!

HEY!

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE ?

OH, OFFICER... IT IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

LISTEN. I HAVE MY METROCARD,

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS USED UP,

AND THE LINE IS JUST --

IT IS MY KID'S FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY, AND I CAN'T BE LATE.

SHOW ME SOME I.D.

OH, NO, COME ON. DON'T WRITE ME UP, PLEASE.

OKAY, LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL.

I HAVE TO BE THERE AT SEVEN O'CLOCK.

THEY HAVE THIS BIRTHDAY PARTY, YOU GOT TO SEE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW.

SHE IS CRAZY, AND I JUST--

COULD YOU WORK WITH ME? LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

I HAVE THE MONEY. SEE, I HAVE FIVE DOLLARS.

WHY DON'T I GIVE THIS TO YOU ? YOU CAN GIVE IT TO THE TOKEN BOOTH LADY FOR ME.

YOU GOT TO SHOW ME A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, DRIVER'S LICENSE,

OR SOMETHING WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.

FINE, YOU WON'T WORK WITH ME!

JUST HURRY UP AND WRITE THE FUCKING TICKET,

SO I CAN JUST GET ON HOME.

I KNOW IT'S IN HERE. JUST A SECOND.

SHIT.

I CAN'T FIND MY I.D.

YOU GOT TO SHOW ME SOMETHING.

I DID, I SHOWED YOU MY FUCKING METROCARD!

THAT IS IT. YOU ARE OVER.

CENTRAL, ADVISE THE BOYS I GOT SOMEBODY HERE.

OFFICER, LET'S CALM DOWN HERE.

PICK UP YOUR STUFF, I DON'T WANT TO GET YOU FOR RESISTING ARREST.

PLEASE PICK UP YOU STUFF. LET'S GO PEACEFULLY.

WE WON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS. COME HERE, LET'S GO PEACEFULLY.

GET YOUR MONEY, YOU'RE DROPPING YOUR MONEY.

NO, OKAY LISTEN. LET'S WORK THIS OUT. PLEASE?

Shh! SHE'S ASLEEP.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU ?

GOT ARRESTED.

OH, MY GOD. FOR WHAT ?

FOR INSULTING A COP.

WHAT ?

I MISSED HER FIRST BIRTHDAY.

IT IS OKAY, HONEY...

SHE IS ONE YEAR OLD. SHE IS NOT GOING TO REMEMBER ANY OF THIS.

WATCH THE VIDEO. LOOK HOW CUTE SHE LOOKS.

POOR NINITA.

NO MAMI, NO PAPI.

OH, MY GOD, SHE LET GO.

MA, SHE IS WALKING.

ISN'T IT GREAT ? I GOT IT ON VIDEO.

MA, WHERE IS THE REMOTE ?

MA? MA. FORGET IT.

SHE TOOK HER FIRST STEPS...

AND I MISSED IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

HOW COME YOU ARE NOT AT WORK ?

ARE YOU SICK ?

SO, HOW WAS THE PARTY ?

GRACE, LOOK...

I'M SORRY.

I WANTED TO BE AT THE PARTY. YOU KNOW THAT.

GRACE, I HAD NO CONTROL.

YOU KNOW I'M WORKING ON A FIFTY MILLION DOLLAR MOVIE GRACE.

OKAY, WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO ?

DO I TELL THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER THAT I CAN'T RE-SHOOT MY FUCKING CLOSEUP

BECAUSE IT IS MY KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY ?

YOU KNOW WHAT, GRACE? YOU ARE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE!

Shh! Shh!

WHERE ARE THE WIPES ?

GODDAMN IT, WHERE IS CHERYL WHEN WE NEED HER?

Grace: LILLY, WHERE IS THE MUFFIN BABY ?

NO, DON'T TOUCH. OKAY, BLOW IT OUT.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

YEAH!

SHOULD WE HAVE WAITED FOR EDDIE ?

NO, HE IS AT WORK.

LET ME SEE IT.

THERE ARE NO OTHER PEOPLE THERE. THIS LOOKS SO STUPID.

Cheryl: IT LOOKS GREAT, IT IS MOM AND BABY.

I CAN FIX IT, I CAN GO INTO EDITING, RIGHT ?

IT WILL BE FINE. IT WILL BE FINE.

AT LEAST LILLY WON'T KNOW WHAT AN ASSHOLE OF A MOTHER SHE HAS.

DON'T DO THAT. YOU ARE A GOOD MOM.

GRACE, LOOK AT HER.

SHE IS FINE.

RIGHT LILLY ? COME ON.

STOP BLAMING EVERYTHING ON MEN AND SOCIETY.

GOT A PROBLEM, GIRLS ?

STOP WHINING AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

OKAY, WE HAVE A CALLER, SANDY FROM NEW ROCHELLE.

YOU'RE ON. Hi, I'm 22,and I'm a au pair.

And I really like taking care of children.

I think it is the most important work there is.

Why do people demean childcare so much ?

WELL, THANK GOD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU, SANDY,

WHO ARE WILLING TO RAISE OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN

BECAUSE SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT. BUT, BY DOING THAT,

YOU ARE ENABLING THAT MOTHER TO SHIRK HER RESPONSIBILITIES TO HER CHILDREN.

I HAVE A MESSAGE TO THE CAREER-OBSESSED MOMMIES OUT THERE.

YOU HAVE A KID, YOU RAISE THAT KID, LADY.

AM I RIGHT ?

GROW UP ALREADY.

YOU KNOW, MARGO, WHEN I DECIDED TO LEAVE MY JOB...

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH MOMMY THIS MORNING ?

YEAH.

MOMMY'S GOING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU

AND MORE TIME WITH DADDY, TOO.

MOMMY LOVES YOU A LOT.

I'M SO SORRY I CAN'T STAY WITH YOU.

IT IS JUST THAT MOMMY HAS TO GO INTO WORK, OKAY ?

IT IS SWEEPS WEEK, DARLING.

I KNOW IT IS, JOAN.

DON'T WORRY, GRACE. SHE IS FINE, REALLY.

WE'RE GOING TO RUN AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY. ALRIGHT, THAT IS GOOD.

LILLY, MOMMY HAS TO GO BYE-BYE, OKAY ?

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY, BYE.

BYE, SWEETIE. BYE-BYE.

BYE, BYE, LITTLE GIRL. BYE, CHERYL.

BYE, LILLY!

WHAT, WHAT, YOU WANT TO GO ON THE SWINGS ?

YOU WANT TO GO ON THE SWINGS, LITTLE GIRL?

OKAY, HERE COMES MOMMY.

HERE COMES MOMMY.

YOU WANT TO GO ON THE SWINGS ?

OKAY, MOMMY WILL TAKE YOU.

GRACE, IT IS OKAY. YOU WILL BE LATE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL ?

I'M NOT GOING TO NEED YOU TODAY, ACTUALLY.

SO...

ACTUALLY, I WON'T BE NEEDING YOU AT ALL ANYMORE.

THANK YOU, CHERYL.

Well, you've got your hat...

you've got your coat...

HEY, HONEY.

HEY, HI, EDDIE.

HOW ARE YOU ? I'M GREAT.

GOD, I HAD THE GREATEST DAY.

ME AND LILLY JUST HUNG OUT ALL DAY.

THAT IS GREAT.

LOOK, I'M MAKING HOMEMADE APPLESAUCE

FROM SCRATCH.

THEY ARE ORGANIC.

OH, AND LOOK.

I MADE PAELLA.

WOW.

CHERYL CALLED ME TODAY.

I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT TRY THAT.

YOU GUYS ARE ALLIES.

WHAT HAPPENED, GRACE ?

NOTHING. NOTHING, EDDIE.

IT IS JUST I THINK I SHOULD BE TAKING CARE OF MY OWN DAUGHTER.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT ?

ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO WORK, GRACE,

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A BABYSITTER ?

EDDIE, I JUST WANT US TO BE BACK TO THE WAY WE WERE.

YOU KNOW, IT IS NOT GOOD THAT WE'RE FIGHTING ALL THE TIME.

I HATE THAT.

I JUST WANT TO GO BACK, TO THE WAY WE WERE.

OH, MY APPLES.

JUST A SECOND HERE.

YOU KNOW, EDDIE...

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO DO IT,

BUT I DO KNOW WHAT I WANT.

WHAT I WANT -- WHAT I REALLY WANT

IS QUALITY OF LIFE, YOU KNOW ?

THAT IS WHAT I REALLY WANT. THAT IS WHAT I WANT.

BUT IT ALL GETS SO COMPLICATED.

YOU KNOW, IT IS LIKE THESE APPLES.

THEY ARE ORGANIC AND SHIT, BUT THEY ARE SO EXPENSIVE.

AND WE CAN'T AFFORD THEM IF I STOP WORK, BUT THEN, IF I DO WORK...

I CAN'T SPEND TIME WITH LILLY.

AND THEN IF I DO SPEND TIME WITH LILLY,

I GOT TO FEED HER FUCKING POISON.

THEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT AIRBAGS TODAY.

GRACE, I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP WATCHING THE NEWS, HONEY.

NO, EDDIE, REALLY.

THEY SAY THEY ARE FOR SAFETY, BUT THEY ARE KILLING PEOPLE.

AND THEN... GOD, AT THE SUPERMARKET.

THIS KID CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "PAPER OR PLASTIC?"

I JUST CRIED.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE JARS ARE ?

NO, NO I'LL GET IT. THEY ARE UP HERE SOMEWHERE.

OKAY, I'M GOING TO BRAID YOUR HAIR SO PRETTY,

AND THEN, I'M GOING TO WORK.

OH, MOMMY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK, DO YOU?

YES.

WHO'S GOING TO LOOK AFTER ME?

DADDY ?DADDY.

HE'S A GOOD DADDY.

YES, HE IS.

I'M QUITTING.

WHAT ?

TODAY, I'M GOING TO TELL JOAN I'M QUITTING.

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING FOR ALL OF US.

GOOD MORNING! IT IS 9 A.M.

DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL. DROP THAT REMOTE.

WE ARE STILL THE 24 HOUR WOMAN.

EXCUSE ME.

WE DECIDED WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME FUN AROUND HERE

AND WRAP UP SEX-WEEK WITH A SPICY SEX-SWITCHEROO.

COME ON!

SO, I TOOK UP TWO SEATS ON THE SUBWAY, AND NOBODY GROPED ME.

FEELS GREAT.

WELL DONE! HERE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!

GOOD MORNING!

HEY, THIS IS JOAN MARSHALL, OUR EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.

LOOKING GOOD, DUDE.

I FEEL GREAT, I DID MY HAIR IN THREE MINUTES THIS MORNING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ?

OH, KIND OF LIKE A PACKRAT.

ALSO MY LEGS ARE HAIRY, AND I DON'T CARE.

HEY, GRACE, WHERE IS YOUR SUIT ?

LISTEN, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, GRACE, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A GIRL.

GOOD MORNING! HI, EVERYBODY!

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!

STEVE.

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

I TELL YOU THIS IS IT! OUR SEX-SWITCHEROO!

PUTTING THEIR GENDER IN THE BLENDER!

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A DREAM WALKING ?

LOOK AT YOU!

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC THE WAY YOU FILL OUT THAT SKIRT.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ?

OH, I FEEL H.O.T.

HONEY, I'M TELLING YOU, IT IS, LIKE,

TO HELL WITH SCHWARZENEGGER, WILLIS, AND STALLONE

BECAUSE I WANT TO BE JULIA, MICHELLE, AND DEMI!

THEY GOT NOTHING ON YOU.

PATTY, WHERE IS JOAN?

GRACE, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE REMOTE ?

JOAN, WE NEED TO TALK.

NOT NOW, GRACE.

NO, JOAN...

LISTEN. UM...

OKAY, THINGS AREN'T WORKING OUT, AND I FEEL THAT...

LET ME GUESS. YOU ARE QUITTING.

WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I WASN'T EXPECTING IT.

NO, JOAN, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SEE, MAYBE IF THINGS WERE A LITTLE BIT MORE STRUCTURED HERE--

GRACE.

YOU HAVE BEEN OUT OF IT FOR THE PAST YEAR.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT TO ME, JOAN ?

I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS MOMMY BURNOUT OR FEAR OF SUCCESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, JOAN ? LET'S JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE HERE

BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU ARE BEING FAIR TO ME.

FRANKLY, I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD GET OVER IT

AND RISE TO THE OCCASION,

BUT I SEE NOW THAT YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF THAT.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT TO ME, JOAN ?

SERIOUSLY, HOW CAN YOU FUCKING SAY THAT TO ME

WHEN I HAVE GIVEN MY FUCKING LIFE FOR THIS SHOW!

JOAN, WE GOT THE REMOTE BACK YOU WANT TO TAKE A LOOK ?

GRACE, GRACE, GRACE, TAKE YOUR BABY AND GO HOME.

I HAVE GOT A SHOW TO RUN HERE.

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THAT? Grace:NO, I'M NOT.

Grace: GET MARGO AND EDDIE TO RUN IT.

I WANT REMOTE TO HAUL THEIR BUTTS OVER 42nd AND 8th

BY THAT DISNEY PLACE.

IT IS FINE. LEAVE IT ALONE.

I'M STEPPING OUT, OKAY?

I'M FINE, I FUCKING QUIT! CAN YOU GET ME SOME BOXES

PLEASE! GRACE LISTEN.

I CAN'T, I'M SORRY.

MADDY, I'M JUST GOING TO GET MY SHIT

AND I'M GOING TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

I'M JUST SO PISSED.

OKAY, JUST LET ME HOLD THE BABY ALL RIGHT ?

THANK YOU.

HEY, EDDIE, COME ON. YOU ARE FALLING APART HERE.

HEY, DON'T TOUCH THE MERCHANDISE.

SHIT!

LORI!

YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE ?

NO, JUST THANK YOU!

SORRY, LORI.

Eddie on television: I'M MOTHER TO MY DAUGHTER.

MOTHER ? THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT.

BUT SERIOUSLY, HOW WOULD LILLY RESPOND TO YOU BECOMING A MOMMY?

WELL, THE TRUTH IS, LILLY CONSIDERS GRACE AND I

TO BE THE SAME PERSON ANYWAY.

WHAT CAN I SAY ? I'M JUST A MODERN DAY HAG.

YOU LYING MOTHERFUCKER!

I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM!

SHE OKAY ?

SHE IS JUST HAVING A BAD DAY.

KIND OF LIKE THE GIRLS OVER THERE.

OHH MAMA.

Eddie: HI GIRLS, DON'T BE SHY.

HEY, EDDIE! TELL THE TRUTH!

TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH NOW!

Eddie: SOMEBODY CALL THE FUCKING COPS!

YOU ARE GOING TO CALL THE COPS ON ME, EDDIE ?

Grace: I'M YOUR FUCKING WIFE!IS THIS REAL?

THAT IS HIS WIFE. OH, YEAH,

YOU SAID THAT WE WERE A TEAM! REMEMBER THAT?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT EDDIE, HUH ?

WHAT HAPPENED TO US ?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU ?

OH MY GOD. I'LL CALL THE POLICE.

NO, LOCK THE DOORS. CALL CNN.

TELL THEM WE HAVE A HOSTAGE SITUATION,

AND THEY CAN HAVE A LIVE FEED.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO CAMERA THREE ? WHAT, DID HE TAKE OFF ?

JOAN. DO IT!

NOBODY LEAVE THEIR POSTS, EVERYBODY, STAY CALM!

TELL L.A. WE ARE RUNNING THROUGH COMMERCIAL.

AMERA TWO, TAY WITH HER.CAMERA TWO, ZOOM IN!

ZOOM IN! ZOOM IN!

GIVE ME A CHYRON WITH BASIC BIO INFO, AGE, MARITAL STATUS, ANYTHING!

YOU GET TO HAVE EVERYTHING, EDDIE!

YOU GET TO HAVE EVERYTHING!

IT IS NOT FAIR, IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR!

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME, GRACE, WHAT ?

GOD, IT MAKES ME SICK THAT EVERYBODY, JUST EVERYBODY,

GOES "EWW" EDDIE.

HE IS SO GOOD TO GRACE. HE IS SO GOOD TO LILLY.

YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT, EDDIE! YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING.

THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT PART OF THE SHOW.

NO, IT IS BETTER.

DOES ANYBODY APPLAUD MY FUCKING EFFORTS WHEN I CHANGE A DIAPER ?

Eddie: GRACE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME ?

SHE IS MORE ATTACHED TO GRACE, YOU ARE HER MOTHER.

YOU ARE JUST SO STUPID!

SHE WOULD BE MORE ATTACHED TO YOU TOO, EDDIE,

IF YOU WOULD BE THERE FOR HER.

JUST KEEP HOLD OF HER, OKAY ?

LOOK...

OH MY GOD.

YOU GET TO HAVE EVERYTHING, EDDIE!

MY FUCKING HEART IS JUST BLEEDING FOR YOU.

FUCK YOU, GRACE! FUCK YOU, GRACE!

FUCK YOU!

HOLY SHIT. HOOK A PHONER WITH A SHRINK.

WHAT SHRINK ?WHO CARES...

THIS COULD GO ON FOR HOURS!

COME ON, JUST DO IT!

HEY, LADY, DON'T GO IN THERE. DON'T GO IN THERE.

WE HAVE A NUTCASE IN THERE WITH A GUN.

I KNOW, SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

WE HAVE BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE BY A LONE GUNMAN.

GUN PERSON.

SHE IS A DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE.

SET OFF BY A CASE OF POST PARTUM DEPRESSION.

NO, THE DRAG OUTFITS AREN'T PART OF HER DEMANDS.

BASICALLY IT IS A DOMESTIC DISPUTE.

SHE DID FIRE A ROUND OR TWO, BUT IT WAS JUST AT HER HUSBAND.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S SO HARD ?

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S SO FUCKING HARD ?

IT IS HARD TO LOVE YOU!

IT IS HARD TO LOVE ME ?

SOMETIMES.

YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING LOVE ME, EDDIE ?

GRACE.

GRACE.

LOOK AT YOURSELF.

WIDEN OUT, SHOW ME THE GUN.

IS SHE CRYING ?

GIVE ME THE GUN.

Police: MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

GIVE ME THE GUN. GIVE ME THE GUN.

YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.

LOOK...

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

JUST YESTERDAY,

I READ THIS T-SHIRT, IT REALLY SPOKE TO ME.

IT SAID, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

A FATHER CAN DO FOR HIS CHILDREN...

IS TO LOVE THEIR MOTHER.

THINK ABOUT IT.

MADDY, WHERE IS MY KID ?

SHE IS FINE.

WOULD YOU TAKE CARE OF HER FOR ME?

GRACE, GRACE. SHE IS MY WIFE.

I WISH I'D NEVER MET YOU EDDIE. THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED.

Joan: THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY SAD.

WE HAVE TO PLAY THIS BACK ON THE AIR.

FOR PLAYBACK AFTER THE BREAK. BT-10 MARK, THIS AND RE-CUE

Taneesha: I SEE MOMMY!

WHAT DID YOU SAY, LOVE ?

WHERE YOU SEE MOMMY?

OH, NO, YOU DON'T SEE MOMMY AT ALL.

WE GOT TO GO.

COME ON.

ACTION HERO-SLASH- IT LOOKS LIKE WANNA-BE

GOT THE TABLE TURNED ON HIM TALK SHOW HOST, EDDIE DIAZ

WHEN HIS WIFE, A PRODUCER ON "THE 24 HOUR WOMAN,"

TURNED INTO A PISTOL PACKING MAMA.

WHAT HAPPENED TO US, EDDIE ?

GRACE, WHAT DID I DO ? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ?

I BELIEVE THE GRACE SANTOS STORY IS NOT UNIQUE.

HUSBANDS, IGNORE THE NAGGING, AND IT MAY COST YOU YOUR LIFE.

TALK IT OVER FOLKS, COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY.

Joan: HEY, THEY MISSPELLED MY NAME.

JOAN, DO YOU LOVE IT ?

CUTE.

HEY LOOK, YOU ARE IN HERE, TOO. LOOK, THERE IS YOUR NAME.

THEY SPELLED YOURS RIGHT.

THE D.A. ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT ALL FELONY CHARGES

HAVE BEEN DROPPED AGAINST GRACE SANTOS

FROM LAST WEEKS BIZARRE "24 HOUR WOMAN" INCIDENT.

WHO IS IT ?

Eddie: IT IS ME.

CAN I COME IN ?

USE YOUR KEY.

COME HERE, BABY.

I NEED TO GET MY SUIT.

I HAVE AN AUDITION TOMMOROW.

EDDIE...

I'M SORRY.

FOR THE GUN THING ?

NO, NOT THAT.

FOR WHAT I SAID:

I WISHED I'D NEVER MET YOU.

IT IS NOT TRUE.

A LOT OF GOOD THINGS CAME FROM THAT.

I'M SORRY TOO, GRACE.

FOR WHAT ?

FOR SAYING IT'S DIFFICULT TO LOVE ME ?

THAT WASN'T IT.

FOR NOT BEING THERE FOR YOU.

I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING BUT I GUESS I WASN'T.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ?

GOD, I WOULD DIE FOR A SHOW RIGHT NOW.

I WOULD DO A SEGMENT AND NAME IT HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

IT IS A LOT OF WORK.

HI, GRACE SANTOS.

I HAVE GOT A SHOW THAT IS PERFECT FOR YOUR NETWORK.

AND IT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING YOU HAVE SEEN.

AND IT IS GOING TO BE REAL PEOPLE.

JUST REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS.

HONEY, EVERY TALK SHOW ON EVERY NETWORK

HAS REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS.

YEAH, I KNOW,

BUT WHAT I WANT TO DEAL WITH,

IS THE LITTLE EVERYDAY STUFF. YOU KNOW ?

THE LITTLE EVERYDAY STUFF THAT DRIVES US CRAZY.

DOESN'T SOUND SEXY.

OH, WELL, IT WILL BE SEXY.

YEAH, BECAUSE I CAN MAKE IT SEXY.

DEFINITELY.

I THINK...

WE SHOULD GIVE MS. SANTOS A SHOT.

NO PUN INTENDED!

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

HERE, LET ME GET YOU A CAB.

NO, NO. TAXI!

OKAY, YOU ARE GOING TO BE HOOKING UP WITH CHERYL AT THREE-THIRTY.

AND DON'T FORGET TO GO TO THE DRUG STORE

TO PICK UP LILLY'S EAR DROPS.

EARDROPS, DRUGSTORE, CHERYL AT THREE-THIRTY.

YOU GOT THE PRESCRIPTION, RIGHT? FOR HER EARDROPS, RIGHT?

HONEY, I'M NOT AN IDIOT. I GOT IT.

I'M SORRY.

SAY "BYE" TO MOMMY. LILLY, SAY "BYE" TO MOMMY.

LOVE YOU, TOO.

IT'S OKAY. MOMMY'S GONNA BE BACK HOME SOON.

WE'RE DOING GOOD, HUH?

YEAH, WE ARE DOING GOOD.

I JUST KEEP TELLING MYSELF THE WORST PART

IS GOING TO BE OVER IN 20 YEARS.

OR MORE.

WHAT?

IF WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

ANOTHER ONE ?

Grace: MADDY!

I GOT THE NEW DESIGNS FOR THE SET.

GREAT!

OKAY, SIR, THE NEXT STOP, THE CHICK'S NETWORK.

OH, MY GOD, LOOK.

THERE SHE GOES, THE 24 HOUR WOMAN.

BYE, JOAN.