All language subtitles for Seth meyers 2020 07 22 amy sedaris web h264 trump_track3_eng

>> Announcer: TONIGHT ON
"LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS."

AMY SEDARIS,
HOST OF MSNBC'S "THE REID OUT,"

JOY REID
AN ALL NEW "CLOSER LOOK.

FEATURING THE 8G BAND WITH
NIKKI GLASPIE.

AND NOW SETH MEYERS.

♪
>> Seth: WELCOME TO "LATE

NIGHT,"
EVERYBODY.

YOU GUYS, I HAD THE CRAZIEST
DREAM LAST NIGHT

OKAY, I WAS AT A RESTAURANT.
THAT'S IT.

THAT'S A CRAZY DREAM
LET'S GET TO THE NEWS.

DURING HIS PRESS BRIEFING
YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID

THAT THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC
WILL GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS

BETTER, WHICH MAY BE TRUE, BUT
IT'S STILL A WEIRD CAMPAIGN

PROMISE.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT FORMER

ASSOCIATE OF JEFFREY EPSTEIN AND
ACCUSED SEX TRAFFICKER

GHISLAINE MAXWELL AT HIS PRESS
CONFERENCE YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT

TRUMP SAID, QUOTE, "I WISH HER
WELL."

AND THEN SOMEWHERE AN ASSASSIN
SAID, "THAT'S THE CODE," AND

STARTED SCREWING TOGETHER A
PLASTIC RIFLE.

THAT'S RIGHT
HE WAS ASKED ABOUT ACCUSED SEX

TRAFFICKER GHISLAINE MAXWELL AND
SAID HE HAD MET MAXWELL NUMEROUS

TIMES OVER THE YEARS AND WISHED
HER WELL

OH, NO, THAT'S GOING TO BECOME A
TRUMP RALLY CHANT, ISN'T IT?

"WISH HER WELL
WISH HER WELL!

FORMER ATTORNEY MICHAEL COHEN
HAS WRITTEN A TELL‐ALL BOOK

ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP.
SERIOUSLY?

HARRY POTTER WASN'T WRITTEN
ABOUT THIS MUCH.

WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO KNOW
"OH, WOW

OH, IT SAYS HE'S A TOUCH
RACIST."

"WHAT PAGE
OH, ALL OF THEM.

THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY RECENTLY
DRAFTED ITS 2020 PLATFORM, WHICH

IS 80 PAGES LONG AND WAS DRAFTED
BY A 15‐PERSON PANEL, AS OPPOSED

TO THE REPUBLICAN PLATFORM WHICH
IS WHATEVER ONE GUY SAW ON FOX

NEWS THAT MORNING.
DURING A HEATED EXCHANGE ON THE

STEPS OF THE CAPITOL, REPUBLICAN
CONGRESSMAN TED YOHO REPORTEDLY

CALLED NEW YORK CONGRESSWOMAN
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO‐CORTEZ A

DEROGATORY NAME AS HE WALKED
AWAY

ALTHOUGH IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE
MORE DISGUSTING THAN YOHO.

YOHO SOUNDS LIKE A LAXATIVE
YOGURT FOR DOGS.

YOHO SOUNDS LIKE A PART OF
MANHATTAN WHERE COPS LET WHITE

PEOPLE PARTY WITHOUT MASKS
"HA, IT'S GOING DOWN TONIGHT IN

YOHO."
HOURS AFTER PRESIDENT TRUMP

TWEETED ON MONDAY THAT WEARING A
MASK IS PATRIOTIC, TRUMP WAS

ALLEGEDLY SEEN TALKING TO
SUPPORTERS AT A FUNDRAISER

WITHOUT WEARING A MASK
WELL, NOW THAT THEY KNOW WHAT A

HYPOCRITE HE IS, I'M SURE
THEY'LL ALL COME RUNNING OVER TO

THE OTHER SIDE
NO, THEY'RE NOT?

THEY'RE NAMING THEIR KIDS MAGA
JEEZ LOUISE, ALL RIGHT

THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL
COMMITTEE WILL REPORTEDLY

PURCHASE COPIES OF
DONALD TRUMP JR.'S SOON‐TO‐BE

RELEASED BOOK TO GIVE TO PEOPLE
WHO DONATE MORE THAN $75

SAID DONORS, "$74.99 IT IS."
FAST FOOD CHAIN KFC HAS

ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL WORK WITH
A RUSSIAN 3D BIOPRINTING LAB TO

CREATE THE SO‐CALLED "MEAT OF
THE FUTURE," WHILE ARBY'S

ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'RE GOING TO
STICK WITH THE MEAT OF THE PAST.

RELAX, IT'S ONLY A FEW DAYS OLD.
JUST, YOU KNOW

FAST FOOD CHAIN KFC HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL WORK WITH

A RUSSIAN 3D BIOPRINTING COMPANY
TO CREATE CHICKEN NUGGETS IN A

LAB.
"KILL ME," SAID THEIR FIRST

BATCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]

A NUGGET ‐‐ A NUGGET WITH A
MOUTH.

TODAY WAS NATIONAL HAMMOCK DAY
SO IF YOU SAW SOMEONE IN A

HAMMOCK TODAY, THEY WERE
PROBABLY STILL STUCK THERE SINCE

LAST HAMMOCK DAY
THOSE THINGS ARE DEATH TRAPS

AND FINALLY, A SEAGULL IN
BRITAIN WAS RESCUED OVER THE

WEEKEND AFTER IT GOT A
DISPOSABLE FACE MASK TANGLED

AROUND ITS LEGS.
"THAT'S HOW I WEAR IT!" SAID

JOGGERS IN NEW YORK.
THAT'S THE MONOLOGUE, EVERYBODY.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!

I'LL CHAT WITH THE ALWAYS FUNNY
AMY SEDARIS.

PLUS, HER NEW SHOW, "THE REID
OUT" PREMIERED THIS WEEK ON

MSNBC.
JOY REID WILL BE HERE.

BUT FIRST, "A CLOSER LOOK.

WELCOME BACK TO OUR TEMPORARY
STUDIO IN THE CAPTAIN'S

QUARTERS
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN GOING

THROUGH OUR VIEWER MAIL.
AND WHILE MANY OF YOU THINK THE

NEW MARITIME THEME SET IS GREAT,
SOME OF YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO

NAUT‐ICAL.
OOF, I TOLD YOU THAT JOKE STUNK.

>> ARGGH, THANKS FOR TRYING IT
>> Seth: AND SINCE I DID, COULD

WE MAYBE KEEP THE INTERRUPTIONS
TO A MINIMUM

>> OKAY.
>> Seth: SPEAKING OF HALF‐ASSED

EFFORTS, THE PRESIDENT IS TRYING
TO CONVINCE AMERICANS HE

SUDDENLY CARES ABOUT THE
PANDEMIC HE'S BEEN IGNORING FOR

MONTHS, AS HE ALSO THREATENS TO
SEND MORE SECRET POLICE TO

CITIES ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR

"A CLOSER LOOK."

>> Seth: DONALD TRUMP IS
TRAILING

JOE BIDEN BY AS MUCH AS
15 POINTS IN THE LATEST POLLS.

HE'S AS UNPOPULAR AS ANY
PRESIDENT IN MODERN HISTORY, AND

HE'S FACING A LARGER DEFICIT
THAN ANY INCUMBENT HAS EVER

OVERCOME AT THIS POINT IN THE
CAMPAIGN

BUT AS WE ALL KNOW, DONALD TRUMP
IS A MASTER TACTICIAN AND A

MARKETING GENIUS
IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE HE COOKED UP A FOOL‐PROOF
PLAN TO WIN BACK THOSE VOTERS.

AND ON TUESDAY, WITH THE
NATION'S EYES UPON HIM AT A

TELEVISED PRESS BRIEFING, HE
FINALLY DEPLOYED HIS LATEST

MASTER STROKE.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS ASKED
LATE

TODAY ABOUT JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S
ALLEGED CO‐CONSPIRATOR

GHISLAINE MAXWELL.
SHE PLEADED NOT GUILTY TO SEX

TRAFFICKING CHARGES LAST WEEK.
ONE OF HER ALLEGED VICTIMS

DESCRIBING HER AS A PREDATOR AND
MONSTER.

THE PRESIDENT TODAY SAYING HE
HASN'T FOLLOWED HER CASE, THAT

THEY'VE MET NUMEROUS TIMES, AND
THAT HE WISHES HER WELL.

>> I JUST WISH HER WELL,
FRANKLY.

I'VE MET HER NUMEROUS TIMES OVER
THE YEARS, ESPECIALLY SINCE I

LIVED IN PALM BEACH.
AND I GUESS THEY LIVED IN

PALM BEACH
BUT I WISH HER WELL.

>> Seth: CHECKMATE, JOE BIDEN.
JUST LIKE THE TRUMP TEAM DREW IT

UP ON THE CHALKBOARD
IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF

AMERICANS, THE PRESIDENT
PUBLICLY SENT WELL WISHES TO AN

ALLEGED SEX TRAFFICKER WHILE
REMINDING EVERYONE HE'S BEEN

FRIENDS WITH HER FOR YEARS
I MEAN, YOU JUST CAN'T TEACH

THAT KIND OF POLITICAL TALENT.
NOW ALL TRUMP HAS TO DO IS SIT

BACK AND WATCH THE VOTES ROLL
IN

NOW, I KNOW YOU MONDAY MORNING
QUARTERBACKS OUT THERE MIGHT

THINK THAT PUBLICLY SENDING WELL
WISHES TO JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S

WINGWOMAN 100 DAYS BEFORE A
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS, SHALL

WE SAY, A MISSTEP.
BUT, YOU SEE, TRUMP IS ALWAYS

TEN STEPS AHEAD.
WHEN YOU GO LEFT, HE GOES RIGHT.

WHEN YOU ZIG, HE SAYS NICE
THINGS ABOUT SOMEONE WHO WAS

RECENTLY APPREHENDED BY FEDERAL
AGENTS WHILE HIDING OUT IN A

REMOTE COMPOUND.
BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING

THAT TRUMP'S BASE CARES MOST
ABOUT, IT'S A WOMAN WHOSE FIRST

NAME SOUNDS LIKE A FRENCH
PERFUME FOR SOMEONE WHO IS

KEEPING A SECRET
"GEE‐LAN, SHH.

AND, AGAIN, ONE DAY WE WILL GET
A SECOND CLOSE‐UP CAMERA FOR

RIGHT OVER THERE
MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THIS IS

IMAGINING THE STAFF REACTION
THEY ONLY CALLED THIS PRESS

CONFERENCE TO TRY TO IMPROVE
TRUMP'S POLL NUMBERS

YOU KNOW THEY MUST'VE TRIED SO
HARD TO KEEP HIM ON SCRIPT

"MR. PRESIDENT, WE JUST NEED YOU
TO FOCUS ON THE FACTS OF THE

CORONAVIRUS, AND ONLY THE
FACTS.

"UH‐HUH.
"SO JUST, YOU KNOW, STICK TO THE

SCRIPT."
"GOT IT.

"ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SOUND
PRESIDENTIAL AND THE MEDIA WILL

EAT IT UP.
"DON'T WORRY, I WON'T LET YOU

DOWN
JUST ONE QUESTION.

SHOULD I REMIND PEOPLE THAT I
PARTED WITH EPSTEIN?

IS THAT A GOOD IDEA OR A GREAT
IDEA

I THINK IT MIGHT BE A GREAT
IDEA."

AND YET DESPITE THIS INSANE
TANGENT, THE MEDIA STILL FELL

FOR TRUMP'S ACT SIMPLY BECAUSE
HIS TEAM DOSED HIS DIET COKE

WITH NYQUIL AND GOT HIM TO READ
A PREPARED STATEMENT PRETENDING

TO TAKE THE CRISIS SERIOUSLY
BEFORE THE BRIEFING, ABC WROTE,

"THE PRESIDENT IS DISPLAYING A
NEW TONE AND A NEW LEVEL OF

ENGAGEMENT."
CNN CALLED IT A RELATIVELY SOBER

TONE, AND BLOOMBERG SAID, "TRUMP
REBOOTS VIRUS BRIEFINGS WITH

WARNING AND A SHIFT IN TONE.
GOOD LORD.

I REALLY THINK YOU COULD DUCT
TAPE A SPATULA TO A GOLDEN

RETRIEVER'S PAW AND HALF OF THE
MEDIA WOULD SAY, "OH, MY GOD

THAT DOG'S A CHEF!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU GUYS

HOW CAN YOU KEEP FALLING FOR
THIS

IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS OF THIS BS,
AND STILL EVERY TIME PRESIDENT

WEREWOLF OVER HERE MANAGES TO
NOVOCAIN HIS WAY THROUGH A

PREPARED STATEMENT WITHOUT
PASSING OUT AT THE PODIUM, YOU

ACT LIKE HE'S A TOTALLY
DIFFERENT PERSON ALL OF A

SUDDEN
YOU KNOW, I SAY PRESIDENT

WEREWOLF, BUT REALLY HE'S MORE
LIKE A REVERSE WEREWOLF.

HE TERRORIZES TOWNSPEOPLE ALL
THE TIME AND THEN HE'S NORMAL

FOR A COUPLE HOURS WHEN THERE'S
A FULL MOON.

"I OWE YOU ALL AN APOLOGY FOR
THE PAST 30 DAYS

MY BEHAVIOR HAS BEEN MONSTROUS."
LOOK, 74‐YEAR‐OLDS DON'T CHANGE

UNLESS THEIR CHARACTER IS IN A
CLINT EASTWOOD MOVIE WHERE A

BUNCH OF RETIRED BANK ROBBERS GO
TO OUTER SPACE

EVEN THOUGH ALL THEY EVER REALLY
LEARN IS HOW TO HAVE A SLIGHTLY

BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR
ESTRANGED DAUGHTER

LET'S SAY LAURA LINNEY
"YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME."

"THOSE BANK ROBBERIES PAID FOR
YOUR FANCY COLLEGE."

"I DIDN'T WANT A FANCY COLLEGE
I WANTED A FATHER.

"I NEED TO GO NOW, BECKY
WE'RE ROBBING MARS."

LOOK, YOU KNOW TRUMP'S JUST
GOING TO STEAL HIS PHONE BACK

AND TWEET SOME RACIST NONSENSE,
RIGHT?

HE REPEATEDLY USED A RACIST TERM
FOR THE CORONAVIRUS IN THE

BRIEFING
YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO WAIT

UNTIL HE TWEETS.
HE MORPHED BACK INTO THE REAL

TRUMP MID‐PRESS CONFERENCE
JUST COMPARE HIS SUPPOSED TONE

CHANGE FROM HIS SCRIPTED REMARKS
TO AN OFF‐THE‐CUFF COMMENT HE

MADE JUST MINUTES LATER.

>> IT WILL PROBABLY,
UNFORTUNATELY, GET WORSE BEFORE

IT GETS BETTER
THE VIRUS WILL DISAPPEAR

IT WILL DISAPPEAR.
>> Seth: MY GOD, I'D SAY HE

SUFFERS FROM EXTREME SHORT‐TERM
MEMORY LOSS, BUT THEN AGAIN, HE

ACED THAT COGNITIVE TEST
SO WHAT DO I KNOW?

IT'S TOO BAD CORONAVIRUS CAN'T
BE CURED BY CORRECTLY

IDENTIFYING AN ELEPHANT ON A
PIECE OF PAPER

THEN TRUMP WOULD'VE KNOCKED THAT
[ BLEEP ] OUT OF THE PARK.

OF COURSE, THE IDEA THAT THE
VIRUS WILL JUST MAGICALLY

DISAPPEAR IS DERANGED.
AND SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING OF

HIS POLITICAL CAREER, WE'VE
KNOWN THAT BOTH TRUMP AND THE

POLITICAL MOVEMENT HE LEADS ARE
DEEPLY, DEEPLY DETACHED FROM

REALITY.
SOMETIMES THAT MANIFESTS ITSELF

IN SMALL BUT BIZARRE WAYS, LIKE
WHEN HE DREW WITH A SHARPIE ON A

HURRICANE MAP OR CLAIMED GOD
STOPPED IT FROM RAINING AT HIS

INAUGURATION, EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE
IN THE CROWD WERE LITERALLY

HOLDING UMBRELLAS.
THIS GUY LIES ABOUT THE WEATHER

MORE THAN YOUR LOCAL
METEOROLOGIST.

"YOU TOLD ME WE WERE GOING TO
HAVE CLEAR SKIES ALL WEEKEND AND

THEN I END UP WEARING A PONCHO
TO THE BEACH

THE LAST TIME I LISTEN TO
THUNDER RAINS.

AND IT'S IMPORTANT TO SAY, THIS
ISN'T UNIQUE TO TRUMP.

THE MODERN CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT
IS A PARANOID MOVEMENT OBSESSED

WITH CONSPIRACY THEORIES
REMEMBER, THIS IS THE SAME

POLITICAL MOVEMENT THAT THINKS
THE WORLD SCIENTISTS ALL GOT

TOGETHER AND FABRICATED THE
CLIMATE CRISIS AS PART OF AN

ELABORATE PLOT TO OUTLAW
AIRPLANES AND BARBECUES.

GOOD THING WE ELECTED DONALD
TRUMP TO PROTECT OUR FLIGHTS AND

SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
AND NOW THOSE SAME LUNATICS

THINK GRAFFITI AND LIGHT
PROPERTY DAMAGE CONSTITUTE

DOMESTIC TERRORISM
FOR EXAMPLE, TAKE ACTING

SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY
CHAD WOLF.

YOU KNOW, DRAKKAR NOIR IF IT
GREW UP TO BE A REAL BOY

I'M PRETTY SURE THIS DUDE HAD A
MINOR ROLE ON "ENTOURAGE" AS A

PERSONAL TRAINER WHO'S FRIENDS
WITH TURTLE.

HE LOOKS LIKE A GUY WHO, ON A
FIRST DATE, WOULD TELL YOU HE

WAS A COMMANDO IN A TOP SECRET
ARMY UNIT CALLED THE OMEGA

SQUAD, AND THEN YOU'D GET HOME
AND GOOGLE IT AND FIND OUT OMEGA

SQUAD IS A PAINTBALL RANGE TWO
TOWNS OVER

WOLF PUT OUT A STATEMENT ON THE
ADMINISTRATION'S DECISION TO

SEND SECRET POLICE TO PORTLAND
TO SNATCH PROTESTERS OFF THE

STREET AND STUFF THEM IN
UNMARKED VANS, IN WHICH DHS USED

THE PHRASES "VIOLENT MOB,"
"VIOLENT CRIMINALS," OR "VIOLENT

ANARCHISTS" A TOTAL OF 76 TIMES.
IS THIS A PRESS STATEMENT OR A

PAGE FROM RORSCHACH'S JOURNAL?
13‐YEAR‐OLD, HE'S PRETTY PSYCHED

ABOUT THAT JOKE.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH TO SOUND LIKE A

FASCIST, BUT AT LEAST CRACK OPEN
A THESAURUS.

THE ONLY TIME IT'S PERMISSIBLE
TO USE THE PHRASE "VIOLENT

ANARCHY" THAT OFTEN IS WHEN
YOU'RE REVIEWING THE MUSIC OF

"STOMP."
"GUYS, DO WE NEED THAT MANY

TRASH CANS
MAYBE ONE OF YOU COULD LEARN

GUITAR?"
ANY TIME A GOVERNMENT IS CALLING

ITS OWN CITIZENS "VIOLENT
ANARCHISTS" SHOULD RAISE ALARMS.

SO, WHAT DID THESE SUPPOSEDLY
"VIOLENT ANARCHISTS" DO TO

DESERVE THAT NAME?
WELL, YOU'LL BE SHOCKED TO FIND

OUT IT'S COMPLETE BULL[ BLEEP ].

SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY
TO JUSTIFY WHAT DONALD TRUMP IS

DOING, HE TWEETED OUT IMAGES OF
HIMSELF VIEWING GRAFFITI THAT

HAD BEEN PUT ON BUILDINGS IN
PORTLAND

THE DHS PUT OUT A STATEMENT
POINTING TO THE BUILDINGS IT

SAID HAD BEEN GRAFFITIED BY,
QUOTE, "VIOLENT ANARCHISTS."

SO THE MISSION OF THE DEPARTMENT
OF HOMELAND SECURITY IS TO

DEPLOY SECRET POLICE TO THE
STREETS OF AN AMERICAN CITY TO

STOP ‐‐ GRAFFITI
AND SOME LIGHT PROPERTY DAMAGE

>> Seth: GRAFFITI?
YOU'RE GOING FULL DICTATOR OVER

SOME GRAFFITI.
WHAT'S NEXT?

ARE YOU GOING TO SEND IN
S. E. A. L. TEAM SIX TO ARREST

LOVESTRUCK TEENS CARVING THEIR
INITIALS INTO TREES?

"OKAY, HE JUST FINISHED CARVING
THE HEART SHAPE INTO THE TREE.

NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE T. L. A
TAKE THE SHOT!

TAKE THE SHOT, TODD!
THAT'S RIGHT

OUR GOVERNMENT USED GRAFFITI TO
JUSTIFY SENDING SECRET POLICE TO

AN AMERICAN CITY TO ABDUCT
PROTESTERS INTO UNMARKED VANS

WITHOUT TELLING THEM WHO THEY
ARE, WHERE THEY'RE GOING, OR WHY

THEY'VE BEEN ARRESTED.
BUT IT WOULD BE BAD ENOUGH IF

WHAT THEY WERE DOING WAS USING
SECRET POLICE TO ENFORCE LAWS

AGAINST GRAFFITI
THAT'S ALREADY CHILLING.

WHAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING IS
EVEN WORSE

THEY'RE JUST SNATCHING PEACEFUL
PROTESTERS OFF THE STREET.

THEY'RE KIDNAPPING PEOPLE AND
NOT EVEN TELLING THEM WHAT

THEY'RE BEING CHARGED WITH

>> FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT
OFFICERS HAVE BEEN USING

UNMARKED VEHICLES TO DRIVE
AROUND DOWNTOWN PORTLAND AND

DETAIN PROTESTERS SINCE AT LEAST
TUESDAY.

PERSONAL ACCOUNTS AND MULTIPLE
VIDEOS POSTED ONLINE SHOW THE

OFFICERS DRIVING UP TO PEOPLE,
DETAINING INDIVIDUALS WITH NO

EXPLANATION ABOUT WHY THEY'RE
BEING ARRESTED, AND DRIVING OFF.

>> ONE CAME FROM A 29‐YEAR‐OLD
NAMED MARK PETTIBONE WHO SAID

THAT WHEN HE WAS ABDUCTED, HE
DID NOT KNOW IF THE MEN WERE

EVEN POLICE.
HE THOUGHT THEY MIGHT BE FAR

RIGHT EXTREMISTS
"I WAS TERRIFIED," HE TOLD THE

"WASHINGTON POST."
"IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS OUT OF A

HORROR/SCI‐FI, LIKE A
PHILIP K. DICK NOVEL

IT WAS LIKE BEING PREYED UPON.
>> Seth: LEAVE IT TO PORTLAND TO

USE A LITERARY REFERENCE
IF THIS HAPPENED ANYWHERE ELSE,

PEOPLE WOULD SAY IT SEEMED LIKE
SOMETHING OUT OF A MOVIE, OR, AT

BEST, A Y. A. NOVEL
BUT IN PORTLAND YOU GET, "IT'S

LIKE A PHILIP K. DICK NOVEL.
LESS IN SETTING BUT MORE IN

TENOR.
THE LATER WORKS OF COURSE.

AND IN CASE YOU'RE NOT A
PHILIP K. DICK FAN, THAT'S BAD

THE DUDE WROTE DYSTOPIAN SCIENCE
FICTION.

NONE OF IT WAS EVER GOOD
HE NEVER WROTE A NOVEL CALLED,

"ROBOTS TOOK OVER, AND GAVE US
CANDY!

WHEN A SECRET PARAMILITARY FORCE
IS ABDUCTING PEACEFUL PROTESTERS

IN THE DARK OF NIGHT WITHOUT
IDENTIFYING THEMSELVES, THAT

MEANS EVEN THEY KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE DOING IS A FLAGRANT

ABUSE OF POWER
AND YOU CAN TELL IT'S A FLAGRANT

ABUSE OF POWER BECAUSE THEY'RE
USING SHADY AND IRREGULAR

TACTICS TO DO IT
FOR EXAMPLE, FEDERAL OFFICERS

APPEAR TO BE USING RENTAL CARS
FROM ENTERPRISE TO SNATCH

PROTESTERS
WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW THEY WERE

NOT KIDDING WITH THEIR SLOGAN.
DID YOU GUYS GET A DEAL ON

KAYAK?
I HOPE YOU GOT THE LIABILITY

INSURANCE BECAUSE I'M PRETTY
SURE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A

LAWSUIT ON YOUR HANDS.
MAN, WHAT A [ BLEEP

ADVERTISEMENT FOR ENTERPRISE, BY
THE WAY.

THIS REMINDS ME OF THE TIME IN
THE '80s WHEN THE KGB DID AN AD

FOR HERTZ.
AND NOW TRUMP IS THREATENING TO

SEND HIS SECRET POLICE TO OTHER
CITIES

AND THE ROTTEN HUSKS IN THE GOP
AND ON FOX NEWS ARE CHEERING HIM

ON
THE PRESIDENT CAN'T BE BOTHERED

TO DEVELOP A NATIONAL STRATEGY
FOR A PANDEMIC THAT'S KILLED

140,000 AMERICANS.
BUT TO DEFEND SOME STATUES,

HE'LL SEND SECRET POLICE TO
AMERICAN CITIES TO ABDUCT

PROTESTERS
HE AND HIS RIGHT‐WING ALLIES

COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT YOU
THEY JUST WANT POWER

IF WE LEAVE THESE PEOPLE IN
CHARGE OF OUR DEMOCRACY ANY

LONGER ‐
>> IT WILL DISAPPEAR

>> Seth: THIS HAS BEEN "A CLOSER
LOOK."

>> Seth: SO MANY NEW YORKERS ARE
TURNING TO CITY HARVEST FOR HELP

FEEDING THEIR FAMILIES, AND THEY
NEED YOUR SUPPORT MORE THAN

EVER
THERE'S A WEBSITE BELOW TO

DONATE
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AMY

SEDARIS.
♪

>> Announcer: FOR MORE OF SETH'S
"CLOSER LOOKS," BE SURE TO

SUBSCRIBE TO "LATE NIGHT" ON
YOUTUBE.

>> Seth: WELCOME BACK.
GUEST DRUMMER, NIKKI GLASPIE IS

SITTING IN WITH THE 8G BAND THIS
WEEK

SHE PLAYS WITH MACEO PARKER, AND
HER OWN BAND, THE Nth POWER.

HER NEW EP, "iPHONE SESSIONS,"
WAS MADE COMPLETELY ON HER

PHONE, AND IS AVAILABLE ON ALL
PLATFORMS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE, NIKKI.

OUR FIRST GUEST IS A
BEST‐SELLING AUTHOR AND TALENTED

PERFORMER YOU KNOW FROM SHOWS
LIKE "STRANGERS WITH CANDY" AND

"BOJACK HORSEMAN."
THE SEASON FINALE OF HER

"EMMY"‐NOMINATED SHOW, "AT HOME
WITH AMY SEDARIS" AIRS JULY 29th

ON TRuTV, WITH SPECIAL GUEST
PAUL RUDD.

HERE'S MY CONVERSATION WITH
AMY SEDARIS.

HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M DOING OKAY, SETH.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: GOOD.
YOU KNOW, I THINK WE'RE ALL

COLLECTIVELY LIVING THROUGH A
FAIRLY STRESSFUL TIME.

BUT ON TOP OF THAT YOU HAD A
VERY TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE, I

BELIEVE, YESTERDAY
>> EVERY TIME I'M ON YOUR SHOW,

SOMETHING HAPPENS.
EVERY SINGLE TIME.

AND I THOUGHT OF YOU WHEN I
SAW ‐‐ I SAW A GIGANTIC

WATERBUG
AND I MEAN, I'VE SEEN WATERBUGS,

WHATEVER, BUT THIS ONE WAS
DEFINITELY THE BIGGEST AND THE

BLACKEST AND THE FASTEST
AND I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES.

AND THEN I FELL BACK
YOU KNOW, IT REALLY THREW ME OFF

GUARD.
I HAVE A RABBIT, TINA, AS YOU

KNOW
MY MALE RABBIT, TINA

>> Seth: YEAH.
>> FREAKED OUT, LIKE I'VE NEVER

SEEN HER FREAK OUT BECAUSE I WAS
FREAKING OUT

SO I CALMED DOWN, SAW IT RUN
INTO MY DISHWASHER

THEN I WENT TO GO GET A STOOL
BECAUSE I WANTED TO STAY IN THE

HALLWAY AND JUST STARE IT DOWN
TO SEE WHERE IT GOES

AND THEN I SAW A MOUSE, WHICH I
THOUGHT WAS A RAT.

BUT I SAW THE MOUSE, AND
BACK‐TO‐BACK IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN I WAS CONVINCED IT WAS

A RAT.
I SAT ON MY STOOL AND THEN I SAW

ITS LITTLE HEAD POP OUT.
MICE ARE VERY, VERY CUTE

BUT, YOU KNOW, IN BROAD
DAYLIGHT

>> Seth: RIGHT
>> AND THEN I REALIZED IT WAS A

MOUSE.
AND THEN I JUST ‐‐ AGAIN, IT

THREW ME BACK, SCARED TO DEATH
[ LAUGHTER ]

CALMED DOWN.
YOU KNOW, I'M JUST REALLY EDGY

AND I'M STILL EDGY TODAY, LIKE
EVEN IF MY CELLULAR PHONE MAKES

A DING, I JUST JUMP.
>> Seth: THE BEST OF US WOULD

MAYBE MANAGE TO GET PAST SEEING
EITHER A WATERBUG OR A MOUSE,

BUT BACK‐TO‐BACK LIKE THAT
>> BACK TO BACK.

IT'S BECAUSE THERE'S BEING ‐‐
WORK IS BEING DONE IN MY

APARTMENT.
BUT THEN I READ UP ON WATERBUGS

AND, YOU KNOW, THEY BITE
>> Seth: I WOULD NOT HAVE KNOWN

THAT
>> THEY BITE AND THEY GO FOR THE

TOES AND THEY SAY THAT IT'S A
HARMLESS BITE BUT THAT IT HURTS.

>> Seth: NOW, YOU SAY THAT THEY
GO FOR THE TOES.

IT WOULD SEEM TO ME THAT THAT
WOULD BE THEIR ONLY OPTION BASED

ON PROXIMITY
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WELL, IF YOU WERE TO OPEN A

DISHWASHER AND IT WAS UP
UNDERNEATH THE HANDLE, I COULD

SEE IT GOING FOR A FINGER.
>> Seth: YEAH, EXACTLY

I WOULDN'T THINK THAT IF A HAND
CAME IN A WATERBUG WOULD SAY,

"I'M GOING TO WAIT FOR THE TOE,"
IS WHAT I'M SAYING

I BET THEY JUST BITE THE FIRST
THING THEY SEE

>> WELL ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: YOU MENTIONED YOUR MALE
RABBIT, TINA

WHO YOU NAMED TINA, NOT
IRONICALLY

YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A GIRL
RABBIT AND WE TALKED ABOUT THIS

THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON.
HOW IS TINA HANGING IN THERE

>> TINA AND I HAVE BEEN REALLY
TOGETHER DURING THIS WHOLE

QUARANTINE.
WE'VE HAD EACH OTHER, IT'S BEEN

REALLY QUIET IN MY APARTMENT
SO I THINK TINA FEELS REALLY

RELAXED.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AN ENABLER.

I'VE BEEN FEEDING HER TOO MANY
SNACKS

SO I SENT HER AWAY TO FAT CAMP
THIS COUPLE THAT LIVES OUT NEAR

THE AIRPORT AND THEY WATCHED HER
FOR ME FOR A COUPLE WEEKS JUST

SO I COULD SEE TINA'S WAISTLINE
AGAIN.

AND SO I WENT AND PICKED UP TINA
AND NOW I'M BACK TO FEEDING HER

AGAIN.
>> Seth: NOW, SO HOW DO YOU GO

ABOUT FINDING A SORT OF A
DIETARY CAMP FOR A RABBIT?

HOW DOES THAT WORK OUT
>> WELL, THIS IS THE COUPLE,

DOTTIE AND STEVE, THEY ALWAYS
WATCH TINA FOR ME WHEN I HAVE TO

GO OUT OF TOWN
>> Seth: GOT IT.

>> AND THEY LOVE TINA.
SO I JUST SAID, YOU KNOW, THIS

TIME CAN YOU HELP ME
SHE NEEDS TO LOSE A LITTLE BIT

OF WEIGHT.
SO THEY DON'T OVERFEED HER LIKE

I DO
>> Seth: SO BASICALLY THE

PROBLEM ISN'T THAT TINA
OVEREATS

THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU OVERFEED
TINA

>> I CAN'T SAY NO.
I MEAN, HE'S CONSTANTLY BUGGING

ME FOR TREATS.
THEY'RE JUST PELLETS

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S CONSTANT,
YOU KNOW

SHE'S A LITTLE ADDICTIVE AND I
CAN'T SAY NO, SO ‐

>> Seth: HOW DOES A RABBIT GO
ABOUT BEGGING FOR A TREAT?

IS IT AUDIBLE?
>> WELL, THERE'S A CERTAIN ‐‐

IT'S NOT AUDIBLE
BUT SHE'LL JUMP IN A CERTAIN

CHAIR OR IF I'M IN THE BED
SHE'LL JUMP ON THE BED AND

SHE'LL KEEP CIRCLING ME OR
SHE'LL NIP AT ME

>> Seth: YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU KNOW, SO I JUST WOULD
RATHER GIVE HER THE TREAT THAN

GET A RABBIT BITE BECAUSE THEIR
TEETH ARE ‐‐

>> Seth: OH, WELL YEAH
THIS NOW ‐ THIS IS SELF‐DEFENSE

NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]

I FORGIVE YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU ARE KNOWN AS BEING VERY
CRAFTY

YOU LIKE TO DO THAT AS A WAY TO
RELAX.

AND I WAS WONDERING WHEN THIS
HITS, BACK IN MARCH, WERE YOU

WELL SUPPLIED?
WERE YOU WELL STOCKED UP FOR THE

THINGS THAT AMY SEDARIS NEEDS IN
HER HOUSE?

>> I'M VERY STOCKED UP
I'M LIKE A VERY GOOD GIRL SCOUT

THAT WAY
THE ONLY THING I HAD TO HOARD

WAS HAY.
I BOUGHT 30 POUNDS OF HAY.

AND THAT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT
I FREAKED OUT AND I HAD TO BUY

BUT, YOU KNOW, I HAD EVERYTHING
ELSE

I LIKE COVERING LIGHTERS FOR
PEOPLE

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE ONE HERE.
I JUST MAKE MY OWN LIGHTER

DECORATIONS AND THEN I SELL THEM
WHENEVER I SEE PEOPLE.

AND THEN, I HAVE TWO GODKIDS,
TWO BOYS

AND THE LATEST ART PROJECT WAS I
MADE A TREASURE BOX, YOU KNOW,

SO MY FRIEND PAUL CAN BURY THE
TREASURE AND THEY CAN FIND IT.

SO I OUTSOURCED IT AND A FRIEND
OF MINE MADE THE MAP

AND THEN DECORATED THE BOX FOR
ME

AND THEN I'VE BEEN COLLECTING
THINGS TO GO IN THE BOX.

LIKE I FOUND A FEATHER, ONE
EARRING.

I WENT TO THE BANK AND GOT THOSE
GOLD DOLLAR COINS WHICH ARE

APPARENTLY HARD TO GET NOW
BECAUSE THERE'S A SHORTAGE OF

COINS.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW THAT.

I HAD TO GO TO FOUR DIFFERENT
BANKS, BUT I FINALLY GOT SOME

COINS.
SO, I'M STILL ‐‐

>> Seth: NO, I THINK I'VE HEARD
YOU TALK ABOUT A TREASURE BOX

BEFORE, AND IT MADE ME VERY
EXCITED ABOUT DOING IT FOR MY

BOYS
I FEEL LIKE ‐‐ WHAT'S THE AGE DO

YOU THINK A KID CAN ENJOY
LOOKING ON A MAP AND FINDING A

TREASURE BOX
>> 18.

[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL THIS ‐‐ FIVE, SIX

>> Seth: YEAH, I THINK MY ‐‐ I
GOT A FOUR‐YEAR‐OLD AND I FEEL

LIKE I'M A YEAR AWAY FROM HIM
LOOKING AT A MAP

>> YOUR SON'S FOUR
>> Seth: FOUR, YEAH.

>> WELL, YEAH, I'D WAIT.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT REALLY BRINGS

OUT THE BOY IN MEN
YOU KNOW, THEY GET REAL EXCITED

WHEN YOU SAY I'M COLLECTING
ITEMS FOR A TREASURE BOX AND

THEY ALL WANT TO GET IN THERE
AND THEY ALL RECOMMEND STUFF

IT'S REALLY KIND OF CUTE
THEY GET EXCITED

>> Seth: I'M VERY HAPPY ‐‐ OF
THE 30 POUNDS OF HAY, WHAT ARE

YOU AT RIGHT NOW
>> I HAVE NINE POUNDS.

>> Seth: IS IT ALL GONE?
>> NO, I HAVE NINE POUNDS LEFT

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: OH, GREAT

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, LEST PEOPLE THINK THAT
YOUR REACTION TO THE WATERBUG

AND MOUSE MEANS YOU'RE NOT A
LOVER OF NATURE.

IT SHOULD BE KNOWN THAT YOU WILL
ACTUALLY GO TO A PARK AND YOU

WILL FEED ‐‐ YOU WILL BRING FOOD
FOR SQUIRRELS.

>> OH, ABSOLUTELY.
I'M INTO HAZELNUTS

>> Seth: OKAY GOTCHA
>> RAW HAZELNUTS

AND I BUY THEM AT ‐‐ I GO TO
EATALY BECAUSE I GO TO THE PARK

RIGHT ACROSS FROM EATALY
AND THEN, IT'S FUNNY HOW MUCH

THEY CAN PUT IN THEIR MOUTH.
AND THEY'LL COME RIGHT TO YOU.

BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT, LIKE,
SIX.

IT'S LIKE, I JUST GAVE YOU SIX
NUTS, BUT THEY WANT MORE, MORE,

MORE AND MORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT YEAH, WHENEVER I LEAVE THE
HOUSE I HAVE A BAG OF NUTS AND

BIRD SEED.
>> Seth: I MEAN, THAT IS ‐‐ TO

GET A NUT FROM EATALY, I MEAN,
THOSE SQUIRRELS ARE LIVING

>> RIGHT
>> Seth: YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

AMY SEDARIS.
♪

>> Seth: HERE IS MORE OF MY
CONVERSATION WITH AMY SEDARIS.

PROPS ON YOUR SHOW
AND I SHOULD NOTE THAT A LOT OF

PEOPLE WHEN THEY CREATE A
TELEVISION SHOW, OTHER PEOPLE GO

OUT AND BUY THE PROPS FOR THEM
MOST OF YOUR PROPS ARE FROM YOUR

ACTUAL LIFE, YOUR SELF‐COLLECTED
PROPS.

>> A LOT OF THEM, YEAH
MY DREAM IS TO OWN A PROP HOUSE.

>> Seth: CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT
THE PROP OF HUCKLEBERRY?

IS HUCKLEBERRY NEARBY?
>> HUCKLEBERRY, CAN YOU SEE

HUCKLEBERRY?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: OH, MY GOD,
HUCKLEBERRY'S TERRIFYING

>> FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS
HUCKLEBERRY.

VERY COMFORTABLE
IT REALLY FEELS LIKE A LITTLE

BABY
I BOUGHT THE OUTFIT IN THE

PREEMIE DEPARTMENT AT K‐MART IN
NORTH CAROLINA

AND YOU MAKE THEM USING A KIT.
LIKE YOU BAKE THE ARMS AND LEGS.

AND THEN YOU MAKE THE HAIR, IT'S
ALPACA

AND YOU HAVE TO SEW IT WITH A
LITTLE NEEDLE THAT TAKES

FOREVER.
I DIDN'T MAKE HUCKLEBERRY.

SOMEONE MADE IT FOR ME
BUT WHEN I WAS BRINGING IT BACK

FROM NORTH CAROLINA AND IT WENT
THROUGH THE AIRPORT, YOU KNOW,

SCANNER, I HEARD PEOPLE
LAUGHING, AND I TURNED AROUND

AND WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD,
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT MY BABY.

THEY'RE LAUGHING AT HUCKLEBERRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIKE TO BE ABUSIVE WITH
HUCKLEBERRY AND NEGLECT HIM A

LITTLE BIT JUST BECAUSE IT'S FUN
TO BE MEAN

BUT, I LEFT HIM UNDER A PILE OF
CLOTHES FOR YEARS.

AND SO THAT'S WHY HIS HAIR IS
REALLY PATCHY.

>> Seth: YEAH.
IT'S A REAL PATCHY LOOK, I WOULD

SAY.
>> THAT'S A PATCHY LOOK.

BUT HE'S ‐
>> Seth: I THINK IF YOU BRING

HIM TO AN AIRPORT, YOU SHOULD
GIVE HIM THE COURTESY OF A HAT

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, A

LITTLE SUN CAP
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

YEAH, SO WE PUT HUCKLEBERRY ON
THE SHOW THIS YEAR

>> Seth: AND ARE THERE OTHER
THINGS IN YOUR APARTMENT THAT

FIND THEIR WAY TO THE SHOW
>> OH, LOTS OF THINGS I BRING

IN
YOU'RE GOING TO ASK ME OFF THE

TOP OF MY HEAD
BUT, GOSH, YOU KNOW, DRIED UP

PAPER MACHE PORK CHOP BONE
[ LAUGHTER ]

THE KIND OF PHONE FROM THE '90s
WITH A LONG ANTENNA.

EVERY KIND OF TASSEL THAT YOU
SEE ON THE SHOW, ANY KIND OF,

LIKE COLORFUL PLASTIC FORK, OR
SPOON, OR A GLASS, OR A BOWL

YOU KNOW, I'M LIKE, "OH, GO USE
THIS."

FAKE TURKEYS, A FAKE HAM
>> Seth: IS IT A SITUATION WHERE

YOU'RE ALREADY ON SET SOMETIMES
AND YOU HAVE A REALIZATION OF,

OH, WE NEED A PAPER MACHE PORK
CHOP BONE AND THEN YOU KNOW THAT

IT WOULD JUST BE FASTER TO GO
HOME THAN TO ASK SOMEBODY TO GET

IT FOR YOU
>> NO, I GET A U‐HAUL AND I

BRING EVERYTHING TO SET.
SO HALF MY DRESSING ROOM IS A

BIG, YOU KNOW, SHELVING UNIT
FULL OF PROPS.

AND I'LL GO, GO GET THAT
POM‐POM, YOU KNOW.

I LOVE POM‐POMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: THE SHOW IS OSTENSIBLY
ABOUT ENTERTAINING

AND YOU AND YOUR BROTHER DAVID,
THE WRITER DAVID SEDARIS, AT A

VERY YOUNG AGE, LIKED TO PLAY
ACT AS ENTERTAINERS, YES

>> YES
IT WAS CALLED "THE REX AND

GERMALINA SHOW."
AND IT WAS A COOKING SHOW, PLUS

A LITTLE BIT OF "PRICE IS
RIGHT.

WE'D MAKE THE AUDIENCE GUESS HOW
MUCH STUFF WAS, BUT IT WAS AN

IMAGINARY AUDIENCE
AND THEN WE WERE A COUPLE.

AND LIKE WE WOULD MAKE CINNAMON
ROLLS USING, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

WHITE SOCKS AND WE'D BALL THEM
UP TO LOOK LIKE, YOU KNOW ‐‐

LIKE WE MADE EVERYTHING
OURSELVES.

BUT IT WENT ON FOR YEARS
>> Seth: WHAT WERE YOUR NAMES

AGAIN, SORRY
>> REX AND GERMALINA

I'M NOT SURE WHERE THE NAMES
CAME FROM.

[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THAT WAS OUR SHOW.

>> Seth: I KNOW YOU ARE NOT
ALONE IN YOUR INABILITY TO

ENTERTAIN RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS NOT A GOOD, SAFE TIME TO

HAVE PEOPLE OVER TO THEIR HOUSE.
BUT YOU DO HAVE A VERY HELPFUL

TIP FOR WHEN THINGS OPEN UP
AGAIN.

CAN YOU TELL US THE WAY ‐‐ YOU
BASICALLY SNOOP PROOF YOUR HOUSE

FROM GUESTS.
>> YEAH.

AND YOU CAN DO THIS BY
PUTTING ‐‐ IF YOU HAVE ANY

MEDICATIONS OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT, YOU PUT THEM IN YOUR ‐‐ IN

THE ‐‐ WHAT DO YOU CALL,
MEDICINE CABINET IN THE

BATHROOM
IF YOU PUT MARBLES OR PENNIES IN

THERE AND YOU SHUT THE DOOR,
THEN ANYONE WHO OPENS IT, ALL

THAT'S GOING TO COME OUT AND
IT'S GOING TO HIT YOUR PORCELAIN

SINK, AND IT'S REALLY FUNNY WHEN
IT HAPPENS

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHO'S SNOOPING
THROUGH YOUR MEDICINE CABINET.

IT REALLY WORKS.
YOU'VE GOT TO TRY IT IF YOU HAVE

MEDICATION
>> Seth: HAVE YOU FOUND THAT

WHEN YOU CATCH PEOPLE, DO THEY
COME OUT AND SORT OF ‐‐ DO THEY

OWN IT
DO THEY ADMIT?

>> THEY LAUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: THAT'S GOOD
BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE NOTHING

WORSE THAN SOMEBODY VERY QUIETLY
PUTTING ALL THE PENNIES AND

MARBLES BACK AND HOPING THAT YOU
HADN'T HEARD IT.

>> WE ALL HEARD IT
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: HEY, IT IS ALWAYS SUCH
A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU AND TALK

TO YOU
CONGRATULATIONS ON SEASON 3 OF

YOUR SHOW.
AND I HOPE TO SEE YOU IN PERSON

NEXT TIME.
>> YEAH, ME TOO.

THANKS SO MUCH
I'LL SEE YOU SOON HOPEFULLY.

>> Seth: ALL RIGHT
>> OKAY, BYE

>> Seth: BYE, AMY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

JOY REID
♪

>> Seth: OUR NEXT GUEST IS THE
HOST OF THE NEW SHOW "THE REID

OUT," WHICH AIRS WEEKNIGHTS AT
7:00 ON MSNBC.

HERE'S MY CONVERSATION WITH
JOY REID

>> Seth: HEY, JOY.
HOW ARE YOU?

>> I AM DOING WONDERFUL, SETH.
HOW ARE YOU?

>> Seth: I'M DOING WONDERFUL AS
WELL

CONGRATULATIONS ON LAUNCHING THE
NEW SHOW

HOW HAS THE FIRST WEEK BEEN?
>> IT'S BEEN REALLY CRAZY.

SO, YOU KNOW, LAUNCHING A SHOW,
IT TURNS OUT TO BE A LITTLE BIT

OF WORK.
[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, SO WE'VE BEEN DOING ‐‐
WE HAD TO PICK A GRAPHICS

PACKAGE, PICK SOME MUSIC, WE HAD
TO GET, YOU KNOW A LOGO.

WE HAD TO, LIKE, YOU KNOW PREP
THE CAST, MEET EVERYBODY, LIKE,

GET OURSELVES TOGETHER, GET
EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW, WORKED OUT

AND THEN DO THE LAUNCH, THE
BOOKING.

WHICH ACTUALLY WAS KIND OF THE
MOST FUN PART BECAUSE LITERALLY,

YOU KNOW, WE GOT TOGETHER AND,
LIKE, WHO WOULD WE LIKE TO GET

WE'RE, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,
OPRAH, JESUS, AND OBAMA.

LIKE CAN WE GET THOSE PEOPLE
YOU KNOW

AND WE ASKED ALSO ON THAT LIST,
BIDEN, HILLARY CLINTON, AND THE

BOOKING GODS WERE PRETTY GOOD TO
US

BECAUSE WE GOT A BIDEN/CLINTON
DUO FOR THE FIRST SHOW

SO, SO FAR SO GREAT.
>> Seth: YOU KNOW, YOU ALMOST

HAD SOMETHING IN COMMON, WHICH
IS OUR FIRST SHOW WHEN WE DID

"LATE NIGHT" WAS JOE BIDEN AND
AMY POEHLER.

AND AMY POEHLER OF COURSE PLAYED
HILLARY CLINTON.

SO I FEEL LIKE WE BASICALLY HAD
THE SAME FIRST SHOW.

>> IT'S THE SAME SHOW.
IT'S EXACTLY ‐‐ BECAUSE

AMY POEHLER, I MEAN PRETTY MUCH
IF SHE HAD SHOWED UP AT ANY

EVENT AND SAID SHE WAS
HILLARY CLINTON, EVERYBODY WOULD

BE, LIKE, YEAH
THAT'S WHO THAT IS

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: THESE THINGS ARE HARD

TO LAUNCH IN NORMAL TIMES.
HAS ‐‐ HAD THE PANDEMIC HAS

SOCIAL DISTANCING.
HAS, YOU KNOW I KNOW TO BE IN

30 ROCK RIGHT NOW WHERE YOU WERE
TO LAUNCH THE SHOW EARLIER THIS

WEEK, IS ITS OWN THING AS WELL
HOW HAS IT MADE IT MORE

DIFFICULT TO GET OFF THE GROUND?
>> IT'S DEFINITELY CHANGED IT.

SO WE, YOU KNOW DECIDED TO DO
THE ROAD TRIP AND GO UP AND

LAUNCH THE SHOW, EVEN THOUGH
WE'RE GOING TO BE A D. C.‐BASED

SHOW WHEN WE'RE EVER BACK IN A
STUDIO IN D. C.

YOU KNOW, WE DECIDED WE WANTED
TO DO A BIG LAUNCH AND REALLY,

YOU KNOW, WE HAVE BIDEN, WE HAVE
HILLARY, LET'S JUST DO IT BIG.

SO YOU KNOW THIS, SETH
THE 30 ROCKEFELLER PLAZA IS A

MALL
IT'S ACTUALLY A SHOPPING MALL.

>> Seth: YES
>> IT'S GOT A BASEMENT WITH, YOU

KNOW, ENTRANCE FROM THE SUBWAY
IT'S GOT SHOPS

IT'S GOT RESTAURANTS
IT'S GOT LIKE A THING YOU CAN GO

UP AND SEE THE WHOLE CITY FROM
IT'S A BEEHIVE

AND SO IT WAS LIKE BEING IN AN
EMPTY BEEHIVE.

THERE WERE LIKE THREE BEES
>> Seth: IT'S SO FUNNY BECAUSE I

HAVE BEEN WORKING PRETTY MUCH
UNINTERRUPTED IN THAT BUILDING

SINCE 2001
AND I HAVE DEFINITELY MUDDLED

UNDER MY BREATH ABOUT THE NUMBER
OF TOURISTS WHO WERE CLOGGING UP

THE OFFICE BUILDING THAT I WORK
IN

>> YEAH.
>> Seth: AND NOW I MISS THEM

MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT I WAS
CAPABLE OF MISSING ANYONE.

I SO WANT TO FIGHT MY WAY
THROUGH A FAMILY OF EIGHT GERMAN

TOURISTS TO MY ELEVATOR.
I WANT TO TIP MY CAP TO THE NAME

"THE REID OUT.
WAS IT FUN COMING UP WITH A NAME

THAT LEANED INTO YOUR ACTUAL ‐‐
YOUR LAST NAME

>> NO.
YOU KNOW, SO I ‐‐ WE LOVE A PUN,

RIGHT?
I LOVE A PUN

SO I'VE DONE ALL THE SHOWS I'VE
DONE HAVE BEEN READ PUNS OR

SOMETHING WITH "REID" IN IT.
SO I WAS TRYING TO COME UP WITH

PUNS THAT WOULD BE, LIKE, SHORT
AND TO THE POINT

THE OTHER NAME I CAME UP WITH
THAT I THOUGHT WOULD BE FUN WAS

"REID THE ROOM."
CAUSE IT'S LIKE, "READ THE

ROOM," RIGHT
I WAS LIKE, THAT'S FUN

>> Seth: YEAH.
>> BUT "THE REID OUT" IS

SHORTER.
IT'S BETTER HASHTAGGED

>> Seth: YEAH.
>> AND I THINK THERE ARE BETTER

REID PUNS.
I THINK THERE AREN'T ANYMORE

SO THAT'S IT
HOPEFULLY ‐‐

>> Seth: AND I THINK YOU WANT TO
START, YOU WANT THAT "THE"

ARTICLE AT THE BEGINNING OF IT
YOU WANT "THE REID OUT."

IF IT'S "REID THE ROOM," LIKE
YOU'VE LOST THE POWER OF THE

"THE."
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> EXACTLY
>> Seth: YOU HAVE A SEGMENT

CALLED "THE CRAZIEST DAMN
THING," WHICH IS ‐‐

MUST BE HARD TO PICK ON ANY
GIVEN DAY WHAT THE CRAZIEST DAMN

THING IS
>> RIGHT

>> Seth: BECAUSE THERE IS
CERTAINLY NO SHORTAGE WE HAVE

FOUND AT OUR SHOW.
>> NO.

I MEAN, WE'VE HAD PEOPLE RIPPING
DOWN MASKS, YOU KNOW, FOR NO

REASON WEARING A ROLEX
LIKE, WE'VE HAD PEOPLE, YOU

KNOW, GOING TO CITY COUNCIL
MEETINGS AND SAYING, YOU KNOW,

WEARING A MASK IS LIKE TYRANNY
AND IT'S THE REASON THAT THE

FOUNDING FATHERS, LIKE,
OVERTHREW THE BRITISH.

LIKE, WE'VE HAD JUST THE
CRAZIEST YEAR ANYWAY

SO, YEAH, THE HARDEST THING IS
TO SORT THROUGH ALL THE CRAZY

THINGS TO PICK THE CRAZIEST
THING.

SO FAR, YOU KNOW, TRUMP IS TWO
FOR 0.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW I GUESS TWO FOR
TWO I GUESS ON BEING THE LATEST

CRAZIEST THING
BUT I'M QUITE SURE IT WILL VERY

QUICKLY EXPAND TO OTHER CRAZY
STUFF.

>> Seth: YES
HE HAS PROVIDED INCREDIBLE COVER

TO OTHER CRAZY PEOPLE OR THOSE I
SHOULD SAY WHO DO CRAZY THINGS

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YES

>> Seth: HE HAS PROVIDED NICE
COVER.

I WANT TO ASK ABOUT THE FACT
THAT YOU HAVE BEEN COVERING

"BLACK LIVES MATTER" AS A
MOVEMENT SINCE 2012.

CAN YOU SPEAK TO, YOU KNOW, HOW
YOU FEEL THE MOVEMENT HAS GROWN

AND WHERE YOU ARE CURRENTLY AT
IN REGARDS TO OPTIMISM OR

PESSIMISM?
>> YEAH.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS
COVERING EVEN IN 2012 I WAS

AWARE THAT, YOU KNOW, BLACK
LIVES MATTER, IT STARTED, YOU

KNOW, DURING ENSLAVEMENT
RIGHT?

I MEAN BLACK LIVES MATTER IS AN
AGE‐OLD MOVEMENT THAT JUST

CHANGES NAMES.
IT'S BEEN THE CIVIL RIGHTS

MOVEMENT
YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN RUN BY SNCC.

IT'S BEEN RUN BY THE SOUTHERN
CHRISTIAN LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE.

IT'S BEEN JOHN LEWIS' MOVEMENT
YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN DR. KING'S

MOVEMENT
AND YOU KNOW, IN 2012, IT REALLY

LAUNCHED JUST AS THE TERM "BLACK
LIVES MATTER," YOU KNOW, THREE

BLACK QUEER WOMEN LAUNCHED THIS
HASHTAG.

AND IT WAS AROUND
TRAYVON MARTIN, THIS KID WHO'S

WALKING DOWN THE STREET MINDING
HIS OWN BUSINESS

HE GETS KILLED BY SOMEBODY WHO
HAD AN ASPIRATION OF BEING A

POLICE OFFICER
SO IT HAD THIS SORT OF ‐‐ THE

FLAVOR OF POLICE VIOLENCE
AGAINST BLACK BODIES

AND SO, IT LAUNCHED AROUND THIS
IDEA OF SAYING, YOU KNOW, YOU

NEED TO THINK OF THESE YOUNG
LIVES AS BEING IMPORTANT

AND WHY WE DON'T DO THAT IN
AMERICA IS A BIG PROBLEM

AND SO BLACK LIVES MATTER
LAUNCHED

AND THE THING THAT WAS SO
DIFFERENT ABOUT THEN AND NOW, IS

THAT AT THE TIME YOU HAD A
PRESIDENT WHO WAS INCREDIBLY

EMPATHETIC TO IT
HE SAID, "IF I HAD A SON, HE'D

LOOKED LIKE TRAYVON OR I COULD
HAVE BEEN TRAYVON.

AND YOU HAVE THAT EMPATHY IN THE
WHITE HOUSE.

THAT DESIRE TO EMBRACE THE
MOVEMENT, BRING THEM INTO THE

WHITE HOUSE, TALK TO THEM.
YOU KNOW, ERIC HOLDER WAS TRYING

TO FIGURE OUT HOW COULD WE WORK
WITH BLACK LIVES MATTER TO MAKE

THE COUNTRY BETTER
BUT THE PUBLIC WAS AGAINST HIM

YOU KNOW, THE POLLING WAS
TERRIBLE FOR BLACK LIVES MATTER.

YOU KNOW, WHITE AMERICA REALLY
REJECTED THIS MOVEMENT EVEN WHEN

IT WAS ERIC GARNER AND
MICHAEL BROWN AND ALL OF THESE

PEOPLE
YOU KNOW, FREDDIE GRAY, I

COVERED THE FREDDIE GRAY
MOVEMENT IN THE STREETS.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A GUY WHO
WAS THROWN LIMP INTO THE BACK OF

A POLICE CAR
AND THERE WAS STILL VERY LITTLE

EMPATHY.
EVEN TAMIR RICE WHO WAS A BABY,

12‐YEARS‐OLD, NOTHING SEEMED TO
MOVE THE PUBLIC AT LARGE OTHER

THAN BLACK FOLK AND BROWN FOLK
TO BE FOR IT

NOW YOU HAVE THE FLIPSIDE OF
THAT

IT'S COMPLETELY UPSIDE DOWN.
YOU HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO'S

COMPLETELY UNSYMPATHETIC AND
HOSTILE TO BLACK LIVES MATTER.

HOSTILE TO THE IDEA OF PEOPLE
KNEELING, YOU KNOW SAYING THAT

WE WANT FAIRNESS AND JUSTICE
FROM POLICE.

BUT THE PUBLIC IS NOW ON
BLACK ‐‐ THE BLACK LIVES MATTER

MOVEMENT'S SIDE.
AND THAT IS A HUGE CHANGE.

AND IT'S AN IMPORTANT CHANGE
YOU'VE NOW GOT WHITE FOLKS OUT

THERE MARCHING AND GETTING
TEARGASSED

MOMS IN PORTLAND GETTING
TEARGASSED FOR BLACK LIVES

MATTER
BEFORE IT WAS HEATHER HEYER

PUTTING HER LIFE ON THE LINE AND
LOSING HER LIFE FOR BLACK LIVES

MATTER
NOW IT'S A BUNCH OF MOMS

AND I THINK IT'S AN IMPORTANT
DIFFERENCE

BECAUSE IT MEANS IT'S BROADER.
THIS IS NOT A NICHE MOVEMENT

IT'S NOT JUST A BLACK PEOPLE
CONCERN.

THIS IS THE PUBLIC REALIZING IF
THEY'RE COMING FOR BLACK LIVES,

THEY'RE EVENTUALLY COMING FOR
YOURS.

THEY'RE EVENTUALLY COMING FOR
YOUR SECURITY AND PEACE.

ALL OF US HAVE TO BE IN THIS
TOGETHER

I THINK THAT IS ACTUALLY AN
IMPORTANT CHANGE

AND WE'RE SEEING LEGISLATION
WE'RE ACTUALLY SEEING IT BECOME

LEGISLATION.
SO THAT'S IMPORTANT.

>> Seth: IT'S OBVIOUSLY ALSO
IMPORTANT TO HAVE VOICES LIKE

YOURS TALKING ABOUT THIS
YOU'RE THE ONLY BLACK WOMAN

ANCHORING A NEWS SHOW RIGHT NOW,
AND WE'RE REALLY LUCKY TO HAVE

YOU DOING THAT
I WANT TO LEAVE BY ASKING, ARE

YOU PREFERRING THES HOURS TO
YOUR "AM JOY" HOURS WHEN YOU

HOSTED A MORNING SHOW ON MSNBC
>> WELL, YES AND NO.

OKAY, SO ON THE NO PART, TWO
HOURS IS LIKE, THINK ABOUT HOW

MUCH YOU PAY FOR A 30‐SECOND
TELEVISION COMMERCIAL, RIGHT

TWO HOURS IS LIKE GOLD
RIGHT, YOU HAVE TWO WHOLE HOURS.

SO IT'S HARDER TO SHRINK
MYSELF ‐

>> Seth: SURE.
>> ‐‐AND ALL THE QUESTIONS I

HAVE ARE LIKE A HUNDRED
QUESTIONS FOR JOE BIDEN.

I CAN ONLY ASK, LIKE, 40 OF
THEM

RIGHT?
YOU HAVE TO SHRINK IT DOWN

AND ALSO I LOVE HAVING MONDAYS
OFF.

PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND MONDAY
BEING SATURDAY AND TUESDAY BEING

SUNDAY IS EVERYTHING
YOU CAN GET ALL YOUR STUFF DONE.

NOBODY'S IN THE STORES
IT'S LIKE PERFECT.

SO I'M GOING TO MISS HAVING
MONDAYS AND TUESDAYS AS MY

WEEKEND.
BUT I LOVE THESE HOURS IN THE

SENSE THAT IT'S IMMEDIATE.
LIKE, I'M NOT ANALYZING THE WEEK

FROM THE BACK END.
WE'RE LITERALLY NOW FRONT LINE

EVERY DAY IN THE MIX
FOR A NEWS JUNKIE, THERE'S

NOTHING BETTER THAN BEING ON THE
AIR EVERY NIGHT IN PRIME TIME.

IT'S JUST ‐‐ IT'S A FABULOUS
OPPORTUNITY.

>> Seth: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS
AGAIN.

AND HOPEFULLY WHEN THIS ALL
CLEARS UP, WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER

IN THE BUILDING.
ALL THE BEST, JOY.

>> I WILL WAVE THROUGH THE
GERMAN TOURISTS AT YOU

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: ALL RIGHT, SOUNDS GOOD.

♪
>> Seth: WELCOME BACK TO "LATE

NIGHT.
AS YOU MAY KNOW, THROUGHOUT THE

QUARANTINE, THE CAST OF NUMEROUS
BELOVED TV SHOWS, MOVIES AND

MUSICALS HAVE REUNITED THROUGH
ZOOM

IT'S BEEN SO EXCITING TO SEE
THESE PEOPLE GET BACK TOGETHER

AND THERE'S THIS REUNION I JUST
SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR THAT I

CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH
CHECK IT OUT

>> IN TROUBLED TIMES, NOTHING IS
BETTER THAN SEEING FAMILIAR

FACES.
FROM "THE OFFICE," TO

"HAMILTON," TO "BACK TO THE
FUTURE."

WE KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE SEEING
YOU OLD FAVORITES BACK TOGETHER

AGAIN.
AND NOW, ANOTHER GROUP IS

REUNITING.
THE PEOPLE FROM YOUR GYM

THAT'S RIGHT, THE PEOPLE FROM
YOUR GYM ARE BACK TOGETHER AND

REUNITED FOR A ONE TIME ONLY
SPECIAL EVENT.

ALL YOUR FAVORITES WILL BE THERE
LIVE FROM THEIR HOMES.

INCLUDING, THE GUY WHO IS DOING
A THING THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT

AN EXERCISE.
THE PERSON WHO STANDS BEHIND YOU

WHILE STARING BECAUSE SHE EITHER
WANTS TO USE YOUR MACHINE OR

MURDER YOU
AND THE MAN WHO PSYCHES HIMSELF

UP FOR WAY TOO LONG BEFORE A
SET.

[ HEAVY BREATHING
>> COME ON

COME ON.
COME ON.

[ HEAVY BREATHING
>> ALSO FEATURING SPECIAL

APPEARANCES BY THAT ONE OLD MAN
WHO WEARS JEANS WHILE WORKING

OUT.
THE WOMAN WHO IS WATCHING THE

MOVIE "BLUE VALENTINE" ON HER
PHONE WHILE WORKING OUT WITHOUT

EAR PODS
AND LITTLE TYLER, THE ONLY CHILD

WHO IS EVER IN THE GYM NURSERY
THEY MAY BE IN THEIR HOMES, BUT

THEY'RE STILL THE SAME AS YOU
REMEMBER

EVEN THE PERSONAL TRAINOR WHO IS
GIVING VERY BAD ADVICE

>> ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA ADD
ABOUT 70 MORE POUNDS

WE'RE GOING TO BRING IT UP JUST
AS HIGH AS WE CAN AND THEN BRING

IT ON DOWN JUST AS CLOSE TO YOUR
HEAD AS POSSIBLE

YOU REALLY WANT TO TRY TO KISS
THE SKULL ON THIS ONE.

>> THE GUY WHO WRITES EACH SET
DOWN IN A LITTLE NOTEBOOK LIKE

HE'S A GODDAMNED SIXTH‐GRADER.
AND THE SULTANS OF THE SAUNA,

THE TWO TITANS WHO'S STEAMY
DOMAIN NO ONE DARES TREAD ON

SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY THE
MACHINE THAT HAS BEEN OUT OF

ORDER FOR THREE YEARS.
THE WORK OUT BENCH THAT HAS

NEVER ONCE BEEN WIPED DOWN
AND THE TELEVISION THAT IS

SHOWING "MAD MONEY" WITH
JIM CRAMER NO MATTER WHAT TIME

IT IS.
ALSO FEATURING, THE GIRL AT THE

FRONT DESK WHO SEEMS NORMAL AT
FIRST, BUT WHEN YOU TALK TO HER

FOR A FEW MOMENTS, YOU'RE LIKE,
YEESH.

>> WELL, I HEAD BILL GATES WIFE
ATE THE CORONA BAT ON PURPOSE.

>> AND THE MAN WHO'S BEEN GOING
THROUGH A VICIOUS CUSTODY BATTLE

WITH HIS WIFE AND CHOOSES TO
HANDLE IT WHILE WORKING OUT.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I DON'T
CARE IF THERE'S A QUARANTINE

I GET EVERY OTHER WEEKEND.
>> IT'S THE PEOPLE FROM YOUR GYM

REUNION, LIVE THIS THURSDAY ON
NBC.

ENJOY THESE PEOPLE ONE LAST TIME
BECAUSE LET'S BE HONEST, YOU'RE

NOT GOING TO THE GYM UNTIL
THERE'S A VACCINE.

>> Seth: COME BACK TOMORROW WHEN
OUR GUESTS WILL BE FORMER VICE

PRESIDENT, AL GORE
AND FROM "THE MARVELOUS

MRS. MAISEL," RACHEL BROSNAHAN
WILL BE HERE

PLUS, A NEW "CLOSER LOOK"
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I'M TAPING

THIS EARLY, I'M 100% CERTAIN
THAT SOME NONSENSE HAPPENED BY

NOW AND WE'RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT IT TOMORROW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪

>> Seth: I WANT TO THANK MY
GUESTS AMY SEDARIS AND JOY REID.

I WANT TO THANK NIKKI GLASPIE
AND THE 8G BAND.

STAY TUNED FOR LILLY SINGH
STAY SAFE.

WASH YOU HANDS
WEAR A MASK.

WE LOVE YOU.
♪

♪