Original subtitles

Morning. Morning.

Hey...

Great. What?

You only start a sentence with "Hey..."

if you're about to ask me to do something I don't want to do

or tell me I've done something wrong.

No!

And "No!" means yes. No, it doesn't.

With this one exception.

I have a housemate thing for you.

Another one? Yes.

I don't think you appreciate how much I am trying.

Do you know how much stuff I would normally do

but I'm not doing because I know you'd hate it?

I can't keep up with all of your... things.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

Probably because you keep making omelettes and don't clean the floor.

Is that the housemate thing?

There's a few.

Alright.

Do you have a list? Yes.

Number one - you do your dishes, which I appreciate...

Thank you. ..but you never put them away.

I'm only gonna get them out again. It's a time-saver.

At least I'm actually washing the dishes.

Yes, but...

And I don't get enough credit for the entertainment I provide.

Loneliness is the number one killer in the world.

Well, by that token, I do the same for you. We cancel each other out.

No, because if I was alone, I'd have me in my head, and I am so fun.

Right. Number two - you leave the washing on the line after it's dry.

It's there when I need it. It's like an outdoor wardrobe.

I also like to hang out washing.

There's room. I like a clean line, OK?

And a clean sink, where it's just the sink, nothing else.

Is that it? No.

Number three - when you replace the toilet roll,

the loo sheet should be furthest from the wall.

What are you talking about? You're make me touch the wall, OK?

Think about how gross that section of wall is getting.

OK, here are the annoying things that you do.

One - you make lists. Two - you read the lists out to me.

Yeah, if you're not gonna hear me out, I'm going to go to work.

Three - you walk off during my lists.

Four - your tone just then, when you're like...

.."If you're not gonna hear me out, I'm gonna go to work."

Five... The way you give me the finger!

Six...

..the way you shut doors! Seven...

Yeah, we know

Even if we had so far to go

Even if the pace is slow

Well, I'll be coming home to you again

If we find

Something to feel that we belong

If we could right all the wrongs

Well, I'll be coming home to you again.

Mum, when you used to live with Emma...

Yes?

If she used the microwave, did she cover stuff in cling wrap

or just chuck it straight in?

If she's doing something that's annoying you, tell her, not me.

Well, I do tell her, but she forgets,

and I don't want to stick notes on the microwave - it looks untidy.

Sit down.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe

you two shouldn't be living together?

She's my best friend. Yes.

And some friends aren't supposed to live together.

Well, we've lived together before. It just... feels different.

I think you're getting tired of each other.

No!

You work, eat and live together. It's too much.

And I'm sick of you both moaning to me about it.

Emma talks to you about me? Course she does.

What does she say?

What do you think?

It can't be anything bad. I'm a great housemate.

Well, here she is now. Ask her.

Morning.

Morning.

Good morning. Again.

Um... do you want to go for a coffee? Can't.

We've got that landlord coming in to interview potential tenants.

Oh... I don't know why he wants to meet them in person.

Maybe because he'll be living next door to them.

And he wants us to be in the room to give our opinion on each applicant,

then he'll make the final decision.

That's a huge waste of time. It's gonna be fun.

It's gonna be just like a reality TV show.

Do you want to be the mean judge? Or we can take turns.

Did you encourage him to go through with this

just so you could pretend to be a judge on a reality show?

Maybe I think it's a good idea to do interviews.

Maybe I'm sick of people being reduced

to a series of letters and numbers on an application.

Maybe, just maybe, I got into the real estate business

so I could be in the people business.

When's he coming in?

20 minutes.

Ooh! I'm gonna try and find something to use as a gong!

No gong!

So, what makes you think you've got 'it'?

Take off your sunglasses.

Um, I'm sorry, did I leave something off my application?

No, no, no.

Your potential landlord, Richard, would just like to go a bit deeper

to find the right tenant for his property.

I'm sure you'll do great.

It's a very competitive field, Sandra.

You need a real passion for living in a house.

OK.

So, what are your selling points? Go.

I'm very tidy. Oh, if only everyone was.

And I like gardening.

It's like being a hairdresser for nature.

I like the garden just the way it is.

Oh. Um... sure.

Would you describe yourself as... friendly?

I think so. Who would say no?

Favourite style of music?

Um... How is that relevant?

Because if they listen to music, Richard might be able to hear it,

so it's important they like the same stuff.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Well, I'm studying right now, so I listen to a lot of lo-fi hip-hop.

We're sorry, it's a no from us. You keep at it, though.

I'm sure this isn't the last we'll see of you.

There's a list of other rentals on the counter.

Rental history. Looks solid.

Do either of you play an instrument?

I can play the ukulele.

I'm sorry. Thanks for coming in.

Ow!

Do you ever forget to turn the oven off?

Yes. I mean no. Shit!

I'm a little nervous. Do you mind if I vape?

Next!

Phil, you've already got a place with us.

Yeah, but I saw everyone waiting.

I thought you must be auditioning for an ad or something.

We're not. Let's hear him out.

Do you have any special skills?

Sort of.

Has anybody got a $50 note?

Don't. He'll just make it disappear and you won't get it back.

You want me to perform magic for free?

That's the sort of thing that's killing the art form!

Phil, please leave.

I was going anyway.

Who's next? No, no, no...

I know you're both enjoying yourselves,

but, Richard, you're paying us to vet applicants for you.

This really isn't necessary. I don't mind.

It's not how we normally do things, OK?

We've got other stuff to get on... Hey. Hey, hey.

Who is your ideal neighbour?

Clean, quiet. Likes sports.

Right.

- Are you all here for the rental? - Yes.

Who is clean and quiet?

Who likes sports?

Which sports?

Um, cricket, football...

Mostly basketball.

Basketball is the winner.

The rental is yours. Please come through.

Congratulations. Thanks!

The rest of you, I'm sorry, but your real estate journey is over for now.

There's more rentals on the counter.

I can do that magic trick for you for 20 bucks. It's my final offer.

Alright, come on.

Here we go!

Told you he'd take your money. Mmm. Did look cool, though.

Hey... Oh, no.

We've been arguing a bit more than usual lately.

Do you think we're spending too much time together?

Yes! Really?

Yes. Don't you?

Well, yeah. I just thought we'd ease into it a bit more than that.

I don't want to move out or anything. It just... feels different.

We've lost our buffer.

Without Grace, it's just you and me 24/7.

We need a replacement.

I don't think I'm ready to date again.

Well... how about a new friend?

You want to make a new friend? As an adult?

Why not? Maybe it's time this friendship took on a new member.

The Three Musketeers.

It would be a huge opportunity for someone to join the dream team.

I guess we've avoided it as long as we could.

It would be nice to have someone to settle arguments, help carry things.

I did enjoy auditioning people today.

We could do the same for a new friend.

You can't audition friends.

The TV show would have. Ha?! Friends!

OK, well, you can't just put an ad on the noticeboard.

Dinner party. Dinner party?

Yeah. A small group of carefully selected candidates.

We invite them for a lovely evening, they get to eat a free meal

while we secretly audition them for the part of our third wheel.

Have you ever thrown a dinner party? No.

But I'm 36, so I assume I know how.

Shotgun not cooking! Shotgun no... Shit!

These are slim pickings. It's a small town.

Yeah, but there's a reason we're not friends with some of these people.

Like Stacey. She's always so negative about living here.

I feel like she'll just bum everyone out.

She's changed. She bought a house here.

Alright. Well, what about...

I really don't think we have to invite her.

She saw the list when I printed it out. So she's in.

OK. Well, do you think Mum will want to join our friendship group?

We can't not invite her.

Plus, she's a loose cannon. Every dinner party needs one.

This is a sad list.

Oh. Hey, Mitch!

How's our number one new tenant? Great, thanks.

I, uh... just wanted to stop in to give you a present.

Oh! For approving my application.

Oh, wow. Thank you. Never won anything before.

I knew it the moment I saw you - "This kid is going all the way."

I've always been a picked-last kind of guy.

And with a heartbreaking backstory. Of course you won.

Ah! Anyway, it means a lot you picked me, so... thanks again.

Hey, Mitch?

We're having a dinner party tonight. How would you like to come?

Oh. Um...

Really? BOTH: Yeah.

Yeah. It'd be lovely to have you at our... regular old dinner party.

Just casual.

Uh...

OK.

Thanks very much. Do you want me to bring anything or...?

Just yourself. And wine. Oh. Well...

An additional bottle, obviously. This was a gift.

Yes.

Are these our 'the good plates'?

Yeah. They were a gift from a client after I sold his house.

He said he couldn't have been happier and wanted to reward me.

Alright.

We should have a code word if we need to regroup tonight.

Like what?

'Rooster'. Why 'rooster'?

Dunno. But if one of us says it, meet in here.

You know, this might actually end up tasting pretty good.

Really? No!

Why would you choose something you haven't cooked before?

I didn't think people would want toasted cheese sandwiches for dinner.

Well, are you following a recipe? Oh, no, I'm just making up.

Why would you... Of course I'm following a recipe!

Do you think this just says "believe in yourself"?

No, I think it says... Oh, yeah? What? What?

You know what? Let's just focus on getting our new friend.

Couldn't think of an insult, could you?

Shut up!

OK, so, when they first come in, do we guide them into the living room?

Straight to the table? Do we give them a tour?

Oh, no tour. We'd have to give everyone one.

We just tell them where the toilet is as they come in.

You want to greet them by telling them where the toilet is?

Yeah. It's the most important room in the house.

When else are we supposed to tell them?

When they have to go to the toilet.

They'll come to us and say, "Where is the toilet?"

Yeah, but that's more embarrassing, right?

Having to ask us while holding it in.

If we just tell them straightaway, they can go at their own discretion.

OK. It's gonna be great.

People have been having dinner parties for hundreds of years.

If they were awful and stressful and pointless, no-one would do them.

Well...

We just need to relax and remember to have a good time.

Alright!

Coming!

Hi. Hey, Gez.

Welcome to the residence of Emma and Daniel.

The toilet is down the hall to the right.

Oh, great! Excuse me.

Evening.

Hey! I'm so glad you decided to come.

Yeah, well, there was nothing good on telly and my internet's patchy.

Hi. Hey, Mrs Marsh.

Do you want me to take that? No. It's for me.

Fair enough.

Did you know there was a bet about how long you two would last?

What? No.

Well, who started it? Oh, I can't say.

Go on. No.

I won, though, so thank you.

Thanks for backing us up. You're welcome.

I lost.

Did you get these from the op shop? No. They were a gift.

Well, THEY got them from the op shop. $5.

Each? No, for the whole lot.

Has everyone got a drink?

Oh, I-I do, yes. Yeah.

All going well in the kitchen?

Uh, yeah. It's ready to go. Just waiting on our last guest.

Feel free to dig into the chips, though, guys.

Ooh.

Prawn cocktail flavour. Fancy.

Uh, so, Stacey, what have you been up to?

Just working. You?

Uh... yeah, just working too, actually...

Sorry to interrupt, Daniel.

I forgot to tell you - I saw that rooster again.

Hmm? Oh. Right.

Um... I, uh, have to go... check on dinner.

I thought you said it was ready.

Yes, but that... might have changed. Excuse me.

I'll get more chips.

What is it?

Have you got a vibe off any of them yet?

What?

It's gonna be one of them. I can feel it.

That's why you pulled me out? Em, it's way too early to tell.

They just got here. Just wanted to check in. Jeez!

And I hope you're planning to ask them something more interesting

than, "What have you been up to?"

What? I'm sorry, I didn't want to open with, "Do you think God exists?"

I'll get it. You take these out.

No-one likes prawn cocktail. Just admit you got a bad flavour.

They're fancy!

Mitch! Perfect timing. We're just about to serve dinner.

Ooh. My favourite part of a dinner party.

Not that I'm just here to eat, but...

I am, but...

Sorry, I'm not the last here, am I?

Yeah, but... Crap.

I was aiming for not too early and I overshot it.

You sure I'm not intruding? Absolutely not.

Oh - did I tell you about my dietary requirements?

No. I don't have any.

Oh! I was just...

I am allergic to penicillin, though. Ah. Then you can't have dessert.

And there's plenty more if anyone wants it.

I'm starving. Well, you could have had some chips.

Sorry. Just before we start, um, hi, everyone.

Just want to say thanks for coming.

I mean, maybe this could be a regular thing for... some of us.

Now, not everyone knows everyone,

so I thought we could start by introducing ourselves

and maybe listing one thing that we like.

I'll go first. I'm Emma. I work at McCallum Real Estate.

And I like... patting other people's dogs.

Daniel!

Do I have to stand? Yes.

Do we all have to stand? I don't want to.

OK. No-one has to stand.

I was gonna say dogs too. Do I have to choose something else?

Yes. Uh, we've all met before.

Oh, I haven't met, um...

Oh. This is James. He's a tenant of ours.

I just locked myself out. I came to borrow the spare key.

This is good.

Mmm. Who's next?

Uh, I can go if you like.

Thank you, Mitch.

I'm Mitch. Uh...

I was recently selected to move into a rental property

managed by these two.

Uh, so... I guess I like, uh...

..anyone who wants to help me move.

Oh, Mitch! Good. Very good. Thanks... thanks, Mitch.

Um, Barbara?

I'm Barbara.

Any likes? For this to be over.

OK. Mrs Marsh?

I like dogs too.

Yep. Thanks, Mrs Marsh.

Uh, I'm Stacey.

I work at the Rosehaven information centre.

Oh. That's cool. Yeah, it is.

If you like talking about a lavender farm over and over again.

That lavender farm brings a lot of tourism dollars...

How about something you like, Stacey?

Um...

Pesto.

Oh. OK. Jim?

Uh, hi. I'm Jim. I'm in IT.

I also like dogs.

Uh... I... Don't. Don't.

I'm into conspiracy theories.

It's not like I think the moon landing was faked

or anything like that,

but just... what if it's not as expensive to get there

as they're pretending it is?

Why don't they want us to leave the confines of this planet?

What are they worried we'll see? Hey, who's next?

I'm Gez. I work at the op shop.

Uh, I like gambling. Not with real money.

Uh, I often watch horseracing and pretend to place a bet

just to see whether I would have won or lost,

and then I keep track of how I'm going overall.

I'm pretty far behind.

Again, it's not real money, but if it was, I'd be in real trouble.

Can I eat? It'll be nice and cold now.

Yes. Everyone can eat. Oh, cool.

What is it? Chicken surprise.

Is the surprise... gastro?

Here's a question for you, Stacey.

What do you think is the cutest baby animal?

Turtle.

Hmm. Interesting choice. What about you, Jim?

I agree. Turtle.

No, but really, what's your choice?

No, I think she got it. Turtle.

OK. Well, you're close, but it's duck or goat.

So, out of the two of you, which one is the best at sharing snacks?

Well, we both share.

Right. Um... So, Jim, what do you like to do for fun?

Uh, we bushwalk. OK, but what do YOU...

We both like to bushwalk.

One time we saw a Tasmanian devil.

Yes! Amazing story.

A few months ago, we did the Freycinet walking experience.

We'd heard great things

and we're always keen for ways to get out of Rosehaven.

You won't believe this.

The first day into the walk, I had an issue with my new hiking boots.

I hadn't worn them...

So, apart from fake gambling, what do you do for fun?

Troll hunting online.

Sorry?

I find accounts that say mean things

and I'm aggressively nice to them until they log off.

So, you're like a nice troll?

Yeah. The relentless kindness really upsets some of them.

I've broken a lot of arseholes.

How do you wind down? Crochet.

Are you watching anything at the moment?

Oh. There's this reality show that I love called Florist Wars.

The husband-and-wife team

are killing their arrangements this season.

Baby's breath and carnations have made a comeback,

so it's totally changed the game.

Cool.

I'm watching The Sopranos. Again.

Well, you should watch Florist Wars.

Same. Just forest.

But on day three, we got up, started to pack down the tent,

and just to the right of me, we saw this one wild...

Tasmanian devil?

Tasmanian devil!

Cool.

Oh, uh, tell her about the platypus we saw in Latrobe.

Yes! OK. So, this...

You're probably not gonna believe half of this,

but honest to truth, this is what happened.

So, Saturday mor...

Yeah, and that's when we told them you can't break lease

because you think the garden gnomes are moving by themselves.

Yeah, yeah, it turns out they just had their eye on 75 Dempsey Street

because it had an ensuite.

Yeah.

Tenants are f-funny.

Rooster.

I'm gonna go check on dinner.

Check on tomorrow night's dinner. Check... check something.

OK. It's been ages. Let's compare notes and make a call.

Yeah, great. I've got nothing left.

I really thought that gnome story would kill.

I know! Anyone in there would be lucky to join us.

Exactly.

Hey, would they be OK sitting in the back seat?

Or will we have to implement shotgun rules?

Oh, they're in the back seat. We've got history.

Yep. OK, who do you like for our new friend?

Well, James doesn't talk at all.

Which might be fine if he laughed at our jokes, but he doesn't. He's out.

Gez is fun, but I asked her a lot of questions

and she never asked me one back, and I left gaps.

And it can't be Stacey or Jim.

They're a package deal even when they're apart.

And their stories are boring!

Yeah, well, Jim's out for me anyway.

That stuff he said about the moon was... I mean, it was pretty dumb.

Barbara?

I don't think Mum would want to hang out with us

any more than she already has to.

Mrs Marsh?

She does pull out some zingers sometimes.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to veto her.

She never covers her mouth when she coughs.

If we all went for coffee, I wouldn't be able to sit opposite her.

It's an no from me. Fair enough.

Mitch seems fine.

He... brought us wine.

He...

I was trying to think of something else that rhymed. I couldn't.

Mitch. I like Mitch.

Me too.

Done. Yeah.

How exciting!

Do we... give him a rose or something?

I think carnations are making a comeback, but I can't remember.

What? Oh, doesn't matter.

New friend! New friend, huh?

Well, it's been great.

Uh... it's been good?

Is everything alright? They all know.

Know what? What you said.

About everyone.

I heard you guys talking when I was looking for the toilet.

I told you we should tell them straightaway.

You think I'm dumb, do you? No. I said...

..what you said was... dumb.

Who do you think you are? There's a question for you.

Look, you guys weren't supposed to hear that,

so, technically, it doesn't count.

I can't believe you guys.

Oh, you weren't even officially invited, James.

You were auditioning us?

When you say it like that, it sounds bad.

Free pizza, though.

Jim and I are not boring! Well...

I think we should all leave.

Why? It's finally getting interesting.

I normally fight back with kindness, but you know what?

This dinner party was shit.

Hey, you're not allowed to say mean things about a dinner party

until AFTER you leave!

Look, we're sorry, OK? It's not you. It's us.

We know. Oh, what do you know, James?

Not where your keys are, that's for sure!

Bye!

Sorry.

Thanks for coming.

Yeah, and let's not forget, the pizza WAS free!

I really enjoyed that. Oh, thanks a lot, Mum!

Mitch... so sorry about all that.

I guess we'll see you on Monday to sign the lease agreement?

No.

Tuesday? I don't want the rental.

Not with you both managing it. How does that feel?

But... we chose you. You won.

We picked you. Yeah, we think you're great.

Best of a really strong field. Really strong field.

Well, maybe I don't think you're great.

How about I've been watching YOU and judging YOU?

And you know what?

You aren't what I want. Or what I'm looking for.

Either as rental agents or as friends.

Jeez. HE should be the mean judge.

We're gonna have to interview people with Richard again.

Er, uh...

Can I get the spare key now?

I blame the plates.

God! We're gonna have to start again.

There's gonna be even less people to invite now.

I really don't want to. But what about our new friend?

I could... be a little less naggy.

I'm sorry about all my lists. I appreciate that you're trying.

Thanks.

And I can try to be more understanding.

It doesn't matter that you use too much paper towel.

I could cut back a bit. Or don't.

I'd much rather fight with you for real

than pretend-chat with other people. Agreed.

To be honest, the whole time tonight,

I just wanted everyone to leave so I could go to bed.

Well, I wanted everyone to leave

so you and I could keep drinking without them and then go to bed.

Me too.

I don't dislike any of them, I just...

..don't really want to hang out with them.

The good news is I don't think that's an option for us anymore.

True.

You know what the real surprise was tonight?

Friendship.

Vomit.

Shotgun not doing the dishes! Shotgun... Shit!

It's about Bruce. He's being bullied.

Well, this is clearly a prank.

I thought you'd know how to help. Because I was bullied?

Yeah. By Bruce.

Do you think he's just calling Bruce names?

I mean, it wouldn't be physical, would it?

Why do I have to be the one to fix it? No-one helped me.

Do you wish they had?

Bruce! Nice face!

Do they make it in men's? Oh!

Bruce, I'm... I'm here to help.

Are you eating the chicken surprise? Mmm.

I think the surprise is it's actually pretty good cold.

Oh.

Morning. Morning.

Fell asleep on the couch.

Um... did you pull up OK, Mrs Marsh?

No.

I should have shared my wine.

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