Original subtitles

[overlapping murmuring]

I've been dreaming of this day ever since you teased the hair of my head.

Simple logic will say that your hairdo will follow you to Valhalla.

Do your thing.

[Hund chuckling]

Yes.

Yes!

Yes. [laughing]

Excellent.

I had time to mangle your hair before you drew your last breath.

I would like to inform you

that you now will be walking around in Valhalla with a bald spot.

[coughing]

[Varg chuckling]

What do you think about that?

I was hoping you would be somewhat more conscious,

so I could get more of a reaction.

But fine...

save your energy.

So you're even more clearheaded when I put you to death

a little bit later.

It might be a good idea to put him to death now.

No. I want him to live with that bald spot and silly hair a little bit longer.

But what if he comes to and escapes while we're busy at the feast

and he comes back and seeks revenge later, or something like that?

This is no time for worrying.

Although, it will be disastrous if he did escape.

We'll deal with that later.

Now it's time to party.

[laughing]

[overlapping chatter]

I want to propose a toast in honor of my little brother, Orm.

I think you should stand up, Orm.

Yesterday, he led troops into battle for the first time,

and he was most impressive on the battlefield.

He managed the amazing feat of not losing a single man!

[all cheering]

Frøya, I think you should stand up, too.

You must be so proud of your husband.

I'm sorry. Sorry, guys. Uh...

Well, if Orm doesn't deserve the toast of honor,

no one does. Skål!

[all] Skål!

Uh, before we lavish any more praise on, uh, Orm,

I would like to say a few words.

Um, the reason why we didn't lose a single man

was that this incompetent commander took us on a wild-goose chase.

It's the worst thing I ever

-experienced in my life. -Yes, Oddvar, I think that's enough

from you. You're so old now, so you're just rambling and rambling.

-So, um... But thank you. -Let him speak.

He led us, in the most cowardly manner,

further and further into the forest.

Further and further away from the battle.

So we had no chance to die.

No, but the forest was so devious.

And all the trees looked exactly the same, and we were distracted by a squirrel.

So, we just had no chance.

Of course.

Then I order the toast of honor to be withdrawn.

The toast is reversed.

Spit in your horns for Orm.

[hawking spit]

I'll just, um...

I'll just have to get my pee stick.

[grunts]

Orm.

Are you the Orm?

That's my name, don't wear it out.

I hope you got my wedding present.

The breadboard?

I'm really sorry that I couldn't be there myself.

Yes. Thanks.

No, you deserve a lot more.

Where I'm from, we sing songs about you.

-About me? -Of course, you're

a legend where I'm from.

-I am? -Yes.

Why?

Because of those things.

What things?

You know.

Things that are a bit hard to be specific about.

It's the total package that people fall for with you.

Hm!

Ah, what is that?

Hm? It's nothing, it's just some stuff.

Ah... show it to me.

No, you are just going to think that it's stupid.

No, I'm not. Please show it.

Yeah?

It's... it's a... pine cone horse.

It's not finished. It's just a...

I've just only started it, so it's...

there's no specific details or anything yet.

Wow.

It is... fantastic.

[scoffs]

It looks like a real horse. It's majestic. It's true to life.

-Mm-hm. -And I know how hard it is

to make those because I make them myself.

You do?

Yeah, all the time.

I make pine cone horses and pine cone--

-Sheep? -Yeah.

And pine cone pigs. And sometimes I make a whole animal farm.

There's loads of different animals. And I also crochet.

-So, sometimes I make-- -Are you kidding me? You crochet?

-Yes. -I do it, too.

-You do? -Yes.

We're so alike, it's incredible.

[chuckling]

That's insane.

It's a shame, though, that we didn't meet before.

I mean, I feel like this...

-No, I-- -No, what?

No, it's--

No, tell me.

-You promise not to laugh? -No, not gonna laugh.

Yes, because you are the Orm,

and you probably have lots of friends.

Well, maybe not lots, but--

Yeah, a good bunch.

-Orm. -Mm?

I am not a man of big words,

but I truly believe that the expression "best friend" is an honor.

I have a new best friend.

Best friend.

[indistinct chattering]

Anyone for dessert?

Yes.

It's important to have something sweet after such a filling meal.

Come out and watch me finally complete my...

revenge...

Arvid.

[both laughing]

Oh, it's just a shame that this friendship has to end tonight.

Yes.

Otherwise we would have had so much contact in the future.

Yes.

-Could we? -Yes.

So much contact.

Ah!

What is it?

Oh, it's just that the ropes are a bit tight. It's okay, I'm fine.

I can loosen it a little.

No, I couldn't possibly ask you that.

That would be too much, to ask you to loosen up this rope.

No, I insist.

You won't take advantage...

and run away, will you?

Orm, we're best friends.

-Best friends stick together. -Hm.

They don't run away as fast as Helheim,

if they get the chance.

That's what I've always said, as well.

The reason why I brought it up is just because I have so many friends

who have ran away once they've got to know me,

and that's kind of left an impression on... me.

Bjørn?

I'm sure he'll be back shortly.

Just around the corner.

He's just, uh...

[gate closes]

[blowing]

[rustling]

Hello?

Is anyone there?

[rustling continues]

I'm just warning you, I'm a warrior.

I... I came straight from a... flanking.

Come into the light so I can see you.

[screaming]

That's just one of the reasons

why I'm never going to get married.

So no one can drag me through the mud.

Yeah.

Because, I mean, you and Orm are like...

uh, one unit, in a sense.

And people judge you through him.

[scoffs] By Loki, I hope not.

It's so nice just to be young, free, and single.

Just... up from one lady to the next, every night.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

-Next in line, please. -Really?

I've never seen you with a woman.

[scoffs] No, but, to me, it's... it's more about the opportunity.

The feeling that it could have happened.

You know what I mean?

Well, speaking of...

Duty calls. I caught the scent of cunt.

Excuse me.

How about sexual intercourse behind the longhouse?

May I...

What?

May I touch you again?

[sighs]

It's almost like human skin.

Of course it's human skin. It's just a shade darker than yours, that's all.

No, of course. Of course it's human skin. It's just a little bit darker.

It's nothing to be completely paralyzed with fear for.

Am I seriously the first colored man you've ever seen?

No, no...

Or, yes.

Christ, you're so far behind, up here in the north.

Well, the others are behind.

I'm not. I'm, uh... ahead.

I don't mean to brag, but I've traveled the whole world,

seen all kinds of cultures, met emperors and kings.

I even speak six languages fluently.

Daus. Chinare.

-Hi. -I can also say hi.

-Salaam. -Mm.

And so on and so on.

But why are you locked up here?

Because of the skin color.

[scoffs]

Yeah. Jarl Varg hates anything that's different.

I think, actually, that's one of his core values.

[scoffs] Well, I am not like that.

I am completely color-blind in that sense.

And I'm also very, very, very tolerant.

-Of course you are. -Yes.

But where are you from?

Before this place, I came from England.

England?

Yes, you know, the country to the west.

There's a country to the west?

Have you come to bail me out?

If that's something one does.

I'm the bearer of bad news, Orm.

Varg has sentenced you--

-Sentenced you to death. -What?

Just because I freed his archenemy that he wanted so much to avenge himself on?

-Yeah, that, too. -Yes.

And you're to be executed by blood eagle,

so it's not exactly something to look forward to.

No, it actually sounds pretty nasty,

especially that part where the spine column is exposed

and the ribs are severed from the spine,

and then they're pulled out to resemble wings.

That's more than enough, Frøya, so we'll--

-And the lungs are pulled out your body. -Yes.

So, we are here to say goodbye.

I can tell that this is going to be a tearful goodbye for everyone.

Frøya...

my love.

Yes, well, it's...

sad that it had to end like this.

-Yeah. -[Olav] Yeah.

[sniffles]

I think I'll just go with a handshake.

Yeah, a handshake is probably best.

It's... it's more practical than this hugging stuff.

[sniffles] There's so much I wanted to experience.

Okay.

For instance, I just heard that there is this country, across the sea to the west,

that's full of ornaments

and art and culture and, uh... pacifists.

I just wanted so very much to go there on a friendly visit.

A wealthy land to the west?

Yes, my cellmate in there, he told me everything about it.

He's been everywhere in Midgard, so he's been there.

Now you've made me very curious, Orm.

Hm?

I have an idea so crazy,

it might just work.

So, you've come to beg for your brother's life.

No, no, no, not at all.

I have a proposal that would be much nicer than this messy blood eagle.

[chuckles] I seriously doubt that. Look at them.

They're starving for blood.

If I told you that I could give you access to a land so full of riches and slaves

that you could rebuild your whole army...

and become the most powerful man in Norway...

-what would you say? -I wouldn't say anything.

I would just get a rock hard...

erection.

I propose exchanging Orm's blood eagle against me finding this land...

and making a map for you.

If I let high treason go unpunished...

it will set a dangerous precedent.

People will start releasing prisoners all over.

Of course. We can't have that.

I will spare his life in exchange for the map.

[spits]

But he must receive a symbolic punishment.

He must learn a lesson.

Of course.

[rustling]

[creaking]

Ow.

What kind of creation is this, a private-part puller?

I have chosen to spare a traitor's life...

in exchange for power and riches.

But do not for a moment think...

that his act will go unpunished.

Allow me to introduce...

scrotum... whipping.

Showing my little sac to a large audience is punishment enough.

Let's just quit while we're ahead.

Hit the nuts.

-[screams] -Again.

-[screams] -[Varg] Again!

-[screams] -[Varg] Again.

Again. Again.

Again! Again.

Again.

-[screaming] -[Varg laughing]

[screaming]

[thunder rumbling]

-Now, good luck on your journey. -Thank you so much.

If Orm is lying, he's in deep trouble.

It's not a lie, trust me.

If you return home empty-handed...

I have a specific plan to cut Orm

in tiny, tiny pieces.

That won't be necessary, I wouldn't give it a thought.

Really.

I'm not so sure about that.

I have a strange feeling that this map

will create a lot of problems in the future.

It won't create any problems at all.

You know me.

That map... is practically yours.

Okay, I'm glad to hear you say that, but...

there's something in me that says this map will create a lot of problems

for many people, for several seasons.

-Seasons? -Yes.

-Winter, spring, summer, and fall. -Oh.

Several seasons.

[man] Lindisfarne?

[chuckles] What an insignificant place.

A classic example of the kind of place

that never will be mentioned in any history book.

Rufus Claudianus,

I don't mean to nag,

but why don't you consider just performing today?

-Could be a good idea, huh? -Have I not stated quite clearly

that I will enter the stage exactly when I feel like it?

It has to feel right,

-Sure. -and it doesn't at the moment.

Just look around you. Everyone here seems so solemn and uncommitted.

They're monks. Maybe they have taken some

-sort of vow of silence, or something. -Oh, whatever.

They don't seem enthusiastic or knowledgeable, either,

and that's the least I demand of my audience.

-Yeah, sure. -Rose petals.

But can't you please just play your performance?

I mean, this is our last stop on the tour. We have been traveling for months.

-We all want to go back to Rome. -Sure, but I'm an artist,

and I can't take you worker ants into consideration.

And the more you nag, the less right it feels to me.

-Rose petals. -I'm sorry.

But anyway, it's life.

On the-- At my feet! Not in my face.

Anyway, congratulations.

Thanks. For what?

For making me feel stressed.

Now I need a good, long massage, and then, we'll see after that.

Perhaps there'll be a performance, perhaps not.

Of course. I mean, you are the star.

Yes, I am. Obviously.

New pose.

Ah.

To me, this works as a key.

Yeah?

Yes, a key that unlocks all the creative barriers.

[inhales sharply]

[moaning]

I'm actually starting to feel ready to bless the audience with an experience now.

-Mm. -Excellent, excellent.

[clamoring]

[moaning]

-And they know I'm an inferno? -Yeah.

They're all informed about that.

Oh, that's good.

I hope they're aware of how fortunate they are,

and how-- Oh! Ooh!

Oh, oh, ooh! Ooh!

[grunting]

I ejaculated? What part of "non-erotic cock massage" don't you understand?

I'm sorry. Sorry.

This is outrageous.

Find all my seed! Find all my seed!

I want every last drop of my precious ejaculate.

I want none of my seminal fluid going astray

so others can cultivate copies of me.

Scandal, a scandal. I want to see you burn that rag afterwards.

[grunting]

[grunts]

Ah... I think I'll walk around.

I... I can only apologize.

I have probably given more than 10,000 non-erotic cock massages

without anyone ever ejaculating. I really don't know what just happened there.

So sorry.

[all yelling]

Hush, hush.

[distant overlapping yelling]

Now, that's the kind of enthusiasm I've been waiting for. Mm.

Just hear how engaged they are.

I'm ready. Whoosh, whoosh.

These men are worthy of my performance.

But not quite yet.

I'll just wait a little.

[snaps fingers]

Just a little bit more now.

Just want to stir them up a little bit more

so I make my entrance when the atmosphere is at its peak.

That is a skill very few master.

[snaps fingers]

The ability to enter the stage at exactly the right time.

Now.

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

It's time.