Original subtitles

(exotic music)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Arrivederci.

Nice teeth.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin, wake up.

I think I flipped.

- [Martin] Huh, huh, what, what, who, what?

- Girls, three of them, dancing.

- Where?

- There.

(audience laughs)

Don't, don't believe me, but I tell you

that there were three girls right there.

There was this, this gorgeous brunette.

This willowy blonde and this redhead with a biggest--

- Uh huh.

The biggest green eyes.

A pearl right in the middle of her.

- Wait a minute, how do you know?

You were asleep.

- Well I ought to, it was my dream.

- Wait one second.

Uncle Martin, I know that you can point your

finger and make things float around.

I also know you can read minds.

You can also disappear.

But do you mean to tell me that you can

actually make your dreams materialize?

- Not quite, but we Martians do dream in 2D.

That is the form is there, but not the substance.

- Oh.

Well, that I believe because I tried to and

(blows raspberry)

nothing.

- Normally my dreams are much more cultural.

- Sure.

How come I never saw one of your dreams before?

- Dreams are ephemeral.

They last only a few seconds.

You just weren't around at the right moment.

Now if you put the light out I'll go back

to the arms of Morpheus.

- Yeah.

(sighs)

Pleasant dreams.

(audience laughs)

Goodnight.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(bright music)

(upbeat music)

(bright music)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(audience laughs)

- Care to have me move your jaws up and down?

- Would you mind?

I just don't have the energy and it's your fault.

- Mine?

- Sure.

I sat up half the night waiting for the second show

to begin.

(audience laughs)

- A charming landlady with a floral offering in

her hand and a matrimonial glint in her eye.

- That's what you get for being so irresistible.

(sighs)

I'll see if I can head her off with a pass.

(sighs)

(bright music)

- Oh, good morning, Tim.

- Hi, Mrs Brown.

- I thought you'd might like these.

- Forget-me-nots, huh?

Is that a subtle hint that the rent's due?

(audience laughs)

- Oh Tim.

Oh these will look lovely on your breakfast table.

Well, Martin, what a pleasant surprise.

I had no idea you were here.

(audience laughs)

- Lorelei, the dewy sparkle of those flowers

is exceeded only by the shining glint in your eye.

(chuckles)

- Oh, Martin, you're just saying that.

- No he's not, no he means it.

- Oh, dear.

- Anything wrong?

- All that butter and jelly.

All those calories, really.

You should go on a non-fat diet.

- Thanks for your concern, I'll keep it in mind.

- Calories do count, you know?

Well, tah-tah.

- She's right, you know.

I mean you are getting a little flab around

the old tum-tum.

- Well, if you're referring to the ounce or

two I may have added I thinK it's becoming.

- It's becoming, alright.

It's becoming noticeable.

Look, why don't you just switch to a low-calorie

jam or maybe a

(chuckles)

substitute spread.

- Now I assure you I'm not being stubborn.

Most non-fat spreads are poly-unsaturated.

- Hm, even I know that.

- Uh-huh, but what you don't know is that

a Martian must be poly-saturated.

If he isn't it produces an unpredictable

disastrous effect on the Martian nervous system.

- Hm, but how come it affects you, but not us?

- The price one pays for a delicately adjusted mechanism.

I don't want to sound snobbish, but the

Martian anatomy compares favorably with the

seismograph at the Palomar Observatory.

Whereas that of you earth people would be

more like a.

- 1924 Essex.

(audience laughs)

- I'm afraid more like a 1912 Maxwell.

(audience laughs)

- So the next thing you know there I was

holding up Clyde as we walked down the isle.

(chuckles)

He never knew what hit him.

- Oh, Maggie, it sounds so romantic.

- While we're in the rise and old shoes

department, how are you coming along with Mr Right

upstairs?

- Martin?

I'm afraid the thought of marriage hasn't even

entered his mind.

- What's more important is it entered yours.

Honestly, Lorelei, for a girl who was in the

waves, I'm ashamed of you.

Look, you got the enemy within range, all you've

got to do is zero in and sink him.

- Maggie, this is peace time.

- Honey, when it comes to catching a husband

there's never an armistice.

You've got to attack, attack, and keep on attacking.

- Well, I do manage to bump into him

accidentally a few times a day and I'm making

these brownies for him.

- That's just shadow boxing.

You got to make him feel that he just

can't get along without you.

You've got to make decisions for him.

- But you don't know Martin.

Why only this morning I suggested he

go on a non-fat diet and he practically

snap my head off.

- Honey, I didn't say you should help him

make decisions.

I said you should make them for him.

Hey.

If you want him on a non-fat diet, what

he doesn't know isn't going to hurt him.

(bright music)

- Mmm.

Yum-yum.

(audience laughs)

Even more delicious than usual.

I'm glad someone is carrying on the noble tradition

of home baking.

- Oh I'm glad that you feel that way, Martin.

You know the way I love to cook and sew and

make a house a home, why some people might

say I have 19th century ideas.

- On the contrary, Mrs Brown, I'd say some

of your ideas will be going strong in the 29th century.

(audience laughs)

Have one?

(calm music)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Oh.

Back from the paper already?

What's new in the world?

- [Tim] Oh no, it can't be.

A baby Christmas tree.

Baby chicken.

(audience laughs)

Baby salami.

(audience laughs)

Baby cheese.

- Tim, it's considered impolite to be a dream peeper.

But it was the most vivid dream.

I can almost smell that marvelous martian salami.

Well it can't be, I'm wide awake.

- Don't tell me I'm dreaming it.

- Tim, I assure you that although it seems

to be there it actually isn't.

It must be an optical illusion of some kind.

Here, I'll prove it.

(audience laughs)

- It's the first time I've ever seen a dream strike back.

Uncle Martin, have you ever jumped from 2D to

3D before?

- No and it's a nuisance.

Now I'll have to go through the trouble

of dreaming it back out of existence.

- [Tim] Is this really a martian tree?

- Certainly, a fine specimen of the Sir

Isaac Newton Delicatessen tree.

- Delicatessen tree?

- Yes that's right.

- You're putting me on.

- Not at all.

Your agriculturalists here on earth have been

cross pollinating foods for years.

We happen to be even further advanced thus we

have eliminated shopping so that we can

pick whatever we want right off our own tree.

- Well that would never work here.

Who cares about convenience if you don't

give training stamps.

(audience laughs)

- It's nice to see a small reminder of civilizations.

I almost hate to dream it away.

(melancholic music)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin!

- I didn't get rid of it.

(audience laughs)

A martian icthiopolis.

How did that get here?

- Well, it was delivered while you were out.

No card.

(audience laughs)

- Tim, this is no joking matter.

I've lost control of my dream mechanism.

What's worse, I don't know what's causing it.

- Look, I don't want to practice medicine, but

didn't you say that poly-unsaturates would affect you?

- Yes, yes, but I haven't been unsaturated.

As far as I know.

- Well, Uncle Martin, is it possible for a

tree to grow unless it's in the ground, is it?

- Of course not, it's a physical impossibility.

- Yes, that's what I thought.

So I put you to see who tells it to the

delicatessen tree because either it's growing

or the ceiling is falling.

- Now don't let your imagination run away with ya.

How can a?

(audience laughs)

- Imagination or no imagination, you had

better evict it before it evicts us

and while you're at it you might get rid of your

(stammers)

your turtle.

(audience laughs)

No side trips, huh?

Just let the subconscious mind settle back

and concentrate on business.

- Tim, I can't sleep at all.

I'm over-stimulated.

- Well look, we'll just under-stimulate you, all right?

Now come on, lie back and just keep saying to

yourself, "My toes are tired.

My feet are tired."

Look, Uncle Martin, try counting sheep, will you please?

- Tim, that's an embarrassingly unscientific method,

but if it would make you happy.

One sheep.

Two sheep.

Three sheep.

Four sheep.

Tim, there's a cute little lamb with

a bell around its neck.

- Aww.

Ahh.

(baas)

(audience laughs)

- Well don't look at me.

Counting sheep was your idea.

(baas)

- Here we go, here we go.

Well don't be so choosy, you can be

replaced by a garbage disposal, you know.

(audience laughs)

Well, okay.

(sighs)

(audience laughs)

What is that?

(laughs)

- It's the icthiopolis.

I'm afraid your environment has accelerated his maturity.

- Well that tears it.

A tree that's growing to the ceiling.

A gourmet lamb.

And a

(stammers)

a turtle that thinks he's got a newspaper route.

You know what, you just got to dream these things away.

- I haven't been too successful, but since

I can't think of any other alternative.

- Now what?

- In all the excitement I forgot about dinner.

I can't fall asleep on an empty stomach.

I'll just fix myself a little snack.

(audience laughs)

Liverwurst.

Salami.

(speaks in a foreign language)

- That leaning tower of Pisa is a snack?

- It's an adaptation of a specialty of a

well known restaurant in celestial city back home.

Their slogan is the outer space sandwich

that fills the inner space Martian.

(audience laughs)

- Do you really expect to sleep after eating all that?

You're going to have nightmares.

- You're underestimating the efficiency of the

Martian digestive system.

I will sleep like a baby.

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

(pants)

Thanks for waking me up.

I was having a nightmare.

- You were having a nightmare?

What about me?

- Oh, Tim, I don't blame you for being provoked.

- Who's provoked, who's provoked?

I've always wanted to live in the Smithsonian Institute.

- Amazing how my mind kept jumping around.

- Uncle Martin, don't you dare fall asleep again.

- I'm sorry, but that dream was most exhausting.

(baas)

(audience laughs)

Tim, in your present state you better not look.

- The lamb.

That's California for you.

- [Lorelei] Martin, Tim.

Yoohoo!

Martin, I can hear you, I know you're there.

Now what's going on?

- Just a minute, Lorelei.

- Are you out of your mind?

If she sees some of this stuff she'll

know one of us isn't human.

- She's not going to see it.

I'll have everything out of here in no time.

(audience laughs)

It's a fine time to find out that levitation

doesn't work on objects materialized out of 2D.

Quick, we'll have to move them in your primitive human way.

(audience laughs)

(door knocks)

(audience laughs)

(chuckles)

Come in, Lorelei.

- Martin, is anything wrong?

I heard the strangest sounds coming from here.

- What kind of sounds?

- Well, I don't know.

It sounded like a sheep.

- Lorelei, what would we be doing with a sheep?

(baas)

- There it is again, that's the sound.

* Ba ba ba ba ba bum

* Ba ba ba ba ba bum

* Bum bum bum bum

* Boom boom boom ba

- Lorelei, I know Tim's tuning may sound

like bleeding, but we must make allowances.

(audience laughs)

- You know, this place smells like a delicatessen store.

- Oh yes, well you see it's the new after shave

I'm using, Mrs Brown.

It's called.

It's called.

Old Brown Swagger.

(audience laughs)

- Mmm, very spicy.

I wonder if your uncle would like some for his birthday.

Oh, Martin.

Martin, what are you doing?

- [Tim] Uncle Martin?

- This is a marvelous new kind of exercise, Lorelei.

You oughta try it sometime.

Tim, why don't we demonstrate the double tendon

push against exercise, hm?

(audience laughs)

- Now don't overdue it, Martin.

Bulging muscles are very unsightly.

Well goodnight, boys, see you in the morning.

- Anything new?

- Just this king size rock.

- Tim, that's a piece of martian seismo-nitricite.

- Well that's nice.

- Watch out.

There's enough potential atomic energy in

that thing to blow us clear from here to Guadalajara.

(audience laughs)

- I can use a new serape, but I'd like to have

something to hang it on.

- Where are you going?

- Where do you think?

I'm going down to Malibu pier.

Throw it out the end.

- No, Tim, you see.

It came out of 2D into 3D.

- I don't care what D it came from.

I'm going to take this thing so far.

(audience laughs)

- That's what I was trying to tell you.

- Woah, hey, hey, hey, hey, it's getting hot.

- I'm afraid the oxygen in the air has activated

it sooner than you expected it.

On Mars where the atmosphere is primarily nitrogen.

- It's alive, let's get out of here.

- Where to?

At the rate it's going it'll set off a

chain reaction that will go clear around the world.

(suspenseful music)

- Boy is it hot in here.

Even the stuff in that delicatessen tree is

starting to sizzle.

- Oh there's nothing quite as delicious

as grilled martian salami and eggs for breakfast.

I'd fix myself some, but I don't think I have

time to eat it.

- How can you be so calm at a time like this?

- Well, very easily.

The superior philosophical mind maintains it's

equilibrium even in times of utmost danger.

(suspenseful music)

- How much time do we have?

- Well, according to my calculations I'd say

five minutes was an optimistic estimate.

- Don't tell me the pessimistic estimate.

(audience laughs)

Let's see.

I can leave my white car to my cousin, Mary.

There's only 12 payments left.

My tennis racket, I'll give that to Joe

at the office, I owe $10 anyway.

I guess I'll leave my little black book.

What am I doing?

There won't even be anyone around to execute the will.

(audience laughs)

Oh, oh.

Mrs B, she's coming upstairs.

- Mrs B, we got to keep her out of here.

If she finds all this she'll go into hysteria.

I'll go outside and meet her and I'll keep

her from coming in.

Now, Tim, if anything goes wrong it was very

nice knowing you.

- It's been a million laughs.

- Oh good morning, Martin.

Isn't it a glorious day?

The weatherman says it's going to be even nicer tomorrow.

- Well, let's hope he knows what he's talking about.

- Say, do you realize how much weight you've lost today?

Why, you look positively haggard.

- One should wonder.

- Well, you can give me credit for that.

I shouldn't tell you, but I tricked you

for your own good.

You know those brownies I gave you yesterday?

I made them with a non-fat spread.

- A poly-unsaturate?

Lorelei.

You didn't?

- Oh yes I did.

And no calories either.

I'm going to go right down and make you another batch.

(suspenseful music)

Tim, that Lorelei Brown.

She's practically poisoned me.

(audience laughs)

- [Tim] What are you going to do?

- Take an antidote to balance my metabolic system.

(baas)

Let's get all that 2D junk back into the room

so I can dream it away in one fell swoop.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

If I can fall asleep fast enough I might still

be able to dream this nightmare away.

(construction noises)

- What a time for the city to start doing

something to the taxpayers.

I'll see if I can get them to lay off.

- No, no, no, Tim.

Wait, wait, wait.

By the time you've persuaded them it will be too late.

Quick, knock me out.

Here, knock me out.

- Oh, Uncle Martin, come on, I like you.

I couldn't do that, I couldn't clobber you.

- Well, don't think of it as clobbering me.

Think of it as striking a blow for civilization.

- Okay, but I'm against this.

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

- Tim, are you all right?

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin?

- Yes, Tim?

- Is the world still here?

- I'm afraid to look.

- Good morning, Uncle Martin.

- Good morning, Tim.

It's a beautiful day.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)