Original subtitles

(playful music)

(audience laughs)

- What do you do when your stomach itches?

(audience laughs)

Ask a silly question.

(odd music)

What's the matter?

Is something wrong, Uncle Martin?

- I don't know.

Someone coming up the stairs with Mrs. Brown.

I can't quite make out who or what.

(wondering music)

- Oh! (laughs)

Oh Tim, have I got a surprise for you.

Come on in, honey.

(ashamed music)

This is my niece, Paula Clayfield, Tim.

Oh I could just hardly keep it a secret she was coming,

because I knew you two would just hit it off right away.

- Hi there.

- Hi yourself.

- Oh, and this is Tim's uncle, Martin O'Hara.

He's an inventor.

Oh he's got the garage just filled

with all sorts of secret things.

He won't even let me see.

- Really?

What kind of things do you invent, O'Hara?

- Say, maybe Paula can help you.

You know, she used to be a child prodigy,

and she's still very smart.

- Child prodigy?

(puzzled music)

- This must be your oxygen recirculator

and waste moisture conversion unit.

- Uh, yes, uh...

- And that's some kind of a gadget for dissipating heat,

isn't it?

What do you call that?

- Uh, raster.

I just sort of made it up.

It probably won't work.

- I don't know, O'Hara.

The basic design is rather ingenious.

I'd like to work on it with you.

- You see, didn't I tell you?

Oh, what pretty blue and red lines.

I can't make heads or tails of it.

What's it supposed to be?

- Obviously, Aunt Lorelei,

it's a design for a spaceship.

- Oh you're not planning on leaving us,

are you, Martin?

- Won't leave in that.

There are some very basic flaws in the overall design.

This ship will never get off the ground.

(humorous music)

(strange music)

(beeping)

(comical music)

(expressive orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

- You summon the menace yet?

- This is no joking matter, Tim.

This girl may very well prove to be just that, the menace.

And now you know I'm in no position

to let her discover that I'm a martian.

- Well I don't see what you're worried about, Uncle Martin.

Um...

(troubled music)

Well, back to the menace,

you know, she can't really be so smart

if she thinks that your spaceship won't fly.

- That's where you're wrong.

She is absolutely correct.

(playful music)

(audience laughs)

According to earth's primitive theories of aerodynamics,

a ship like mine couldn't rise a foot on its own power,

but then according to those same principles,

a bumblebee can't fly.

- Oh yes, I've heard about that.

Theoretically, a bumblebee should crawl

from one flower to another.

Have you seen my notebook around?

- Oh, uh, it was over there on the coffee table

last time I saw it.

- Hey, Uncle Martin?

- Hmm?

- What's this?

- Oh that's all that was left of my raster

when I crash-landed.

I checked it out on a spectroscope

to try to work out a substitute alloy.

- Oh.

Well I'll see you later, Uncle Martin.

(lighthearted music)

- Hi there.

- [Tim] (laughs) Hey there.

- Is your uncle up yet?

- Yes, yes, as a matter of fact.

- O'Hara, I've got an idea

how we can make that thing you call a raster work.

Come here.

- (laughs) Have fun, Uncle Martin.

- You've been working under a fallacious theory, O'Hara.

You're assuming that

once the process of molecular dissipation has begun,

it will continue under its own volition,

which is untrue, of course.

Let me show you.

By the way, what is this?

- Oh it's just a piece of metal I've been using

for a paperweight.

- Looks like magnesium

and some other element I can't identify.

You know, it might be interesting

to have that analyzed sometime.

- Yes, it might at that.

- Well, let me show you now what's the matter

with your theory of continuing dissipation.

Take a look at that.

You've been ignoring the conversion loss

in your computation.

However, with the proper shield

to take the first heatwave impact,

I think we could overcome that conversion loss

through micro-miniature electronic impulses.

(bemused music)

(shadowy music)

- Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin, what's the matter with you?

- Tim, up until 30 minutes ago,

I couldn't even disappear.

She won't let me out of her sight.

I think she's got eyes in the back of her head.

- Oh.

Well maybe she's from another planet too. (laughs)

- No no no, she's from Cincinnati.

Tim, I'm worried.

This girl has the IQ of a super genius

and the innate curiosity of a natural-born scientist.

Sooner or later she's gonna put two and two together

and come up with M-A-R-T-I-A-N.

- Hmm, well I'm sorry, Uncle Martin.

I wish I could help.

- Now wait, now all we have to do

is divert her attention from me to you.

Now here's what we'll do.

You make a play for her, tell her she's beautiful,

make her feel like a woman,

take her to the beach,

take her to the mountains.

Keep her occupied.

You can start tonight.

Now go ask her for a date.

- I can't do that, Uncle Martin!

I, uh, not tonight, no.

I gotta cover a dog show.

- Fine, take her along.

- You mean enter her.

- I don't care what you have to do, just do it.

(cheerful music)

- First prize.

No, not Paula.

Don't forget to remind me

to take that to the office tomorrow.

We got to get a picture of it for the first edition.

- I should've known it wouldn't work, you and Paula.

You have nothing in common, nothing to talk about.

- Oh all right, Uncle Martin, so it was a dull evening.

May I have the coffee please?

- Yeah.

- But I'll tell you what,

if it'll help you in any way,

well if you ever need me to take Paula out again,

you just say so.

- No no, there's no point in burdening you with her again.

I'll just have to think of some other way of fending her off

until Edgar gets here.

- Edgar?

- Don't you know about Edgar?

- No.

Uncle Martin, this is Earth, I live here,

but unless somebody tells me something,

I have no way of knowing what it's all about.

You see, uh, I don't read minds.

- From what I've been able to glean

of her occasional thoughts of him,

they have what you Earth people call an understanding.

- You mean they're engaged, Paula?

- Not exactly.

As nearly as I can tell,

Edgar keeps putting off any definite commitment.

- That I can understand.

- He'll be here in a few days

to attend a, uh, demonstration of a new rocket

at the university.

He's a physicist.

I've been unable to classify him.

- Well I can classify him for you.

Any guy that would think that Paula is a,

well, a, uh...

He has to be a nut.

(amused music)

(Tim whistles)

Hello, Carla?

Tim.

Hi, sweetheart.

(mystical music)

I'll be there right on the dot.

Bye, hon.

(Tim whistles)

- Now on the other hand, O'Hara,

if we could devise some entirely new method

for assimilating the heat factor,

say transferring it from the shield

to a secondary dissipator,

without increasing the urge count,

I think we might be able to make this raster of yours work.

Now, take a look at this.

(shocked music)

But keep in mind that

the exponent must be constant throughout

in order to arrive at the conjunctive logarithm.

(bewildered orchestral music)

- [Martin] You didn't take into account the systematic

anohyphenating of the peripheral arc,

which makes the third unit a fourth power

instead of a three.

Here, Paula.

- Hi there.

- Hi yourself.

- How about having dinner with me tonight?

- Who, me?

- Of course.

Yes, of course.

This won't be like the dog show,

but I mean a real dinner, no hot dogs.

I know a restaurant that you will just be wild about,

and they have a violinist who is just magnificent,

and the food is mwah!

- But I was under the distinct impression

you didn't wanna be seen with me.

- Whatever gave you an idea like that?

- [Paula] I was never driven down so many alleys in my life.

- Oh, well I was trying to take a shortcut

and I got lost several times, that's all,

but tonight will be different, I promise.

- Well, all right.

I mean, if I don't have to get dressed up.

- (laughs) Geez, get dressed up, no.

No, you're perfect just the way you are. (laughs)

Now, uh, now don't you go away, huh?

I'll be right back.

(whimsical music)

(Tim clears his throat)

Uh, hello, Carla?

(peaceful music)

Good night, Paula.

- Good night, Tim.

(twinkling music)

- Uncle Martin, what do you think you're doing?

Please let me go!

- Tim, I thought you'd be anxious to know

that I figured out a way to build my raster.

- Bully for you.

- It came to me all in a flash

from an idea Paula had.

What she proposed wouldn't work, of course,

but it did give me the idea to...

Tim.

Tim, you didn't.

- I did.

I asked Paula to marry me.

- But Tim, this girl has a super intellect.

- Well what do you think attracted me to her

in the first place?

(bemused music)

(cheerful music)

- Good morning, Mr. O'Hara.

Is Tim at home?

- Come in, Paula.

Tim went to the store.

He'll be back in a few minutes.

(doubtful music)

- What did you do to Tim last night, hypnotize him?

He kept telling me I was beautiful,

and I really felt almost beautiful.

I felt wonderful and alive and different,

but this morning...

(emotional music)

Do you think Tim will still feel the same way about me

this morning?

- That's entirely up to you.

(sweet music)

Paula,

you aren't beautiful

because you've never tried to be beautiful.

You're even afraid of being a woman.

You have this great, giant intellect

and you think that's enough.

You cling to it like a child clings to a teddy bear.

It's your security.

You're afraid to let go of it even for a moment.

You're a coward, Paula,

afraid to compete with other women on their own level.

- I don't need to compete with other women.

- That's right, you don't.

You feel too superior.

Be a woman, Paula.

I dare you to even try.

Maybe I can help.

You don't really need those glasses, do you?

(shy music)

Have you got a comb in your purse?

- I think so.

(hopeful music)

(audience laughs)

Do you think Tim will like the new me?

- Why don't you ask him?

He's about to drive into the driveway now.

Oh I have an extremely acute sense of hearing,

and our automobile has its own peculiar sound.

(Paula laughs)

(expressive orchestral music)

- Oh Mr. O'Hara, how can I ever really repay you

for everything you've done?

- Your happiness and Tim's are all I care about.

(enchanted music)

If I weren't so smart, this never would've happened.

(amorous music)

- Why, it's Edgar.

Edgar.

- Hello.

(audience laughs)

- Edgar, it's Paula.

- Oh.

Oh.

(laughs) I'm sorry.

I, uh,

I didn't recognize you.

You're wearing a different dress.

- Well. (laughs)

- Uh, excuse me.

Uh, don't go away.

We'll wanna go directly to the university from here.

Well,

how have you been, Paula?

- She's been fine.

- Yes.

(expressive orchestral music)

- Did you see him?

Did you see Edgar?

She ran off to the university with him.

Oh boy, it's gonna be quite a shock

when she tells him about us.

- Now I know it was there this morning

because I rechecked it in the spectroscope,

and then Paula came in and she...

Holy jumping Jupiter, she couldn't have!

- Couldn't have what?

- She must've put it in her purse!

Come on, let's go!

- Now wait a minute, where are we going?

- We're going to the university.

If Paula finds that martian alloy in her purse,

she won't be able to resist analyzing it

in the laboratory,

and that's all I need.

(fast music)

(regal music)

They're not there.

"Thus by liquefying the oxygen,

"we increase the pressure to a measurable ratio of... "

The trouble is that

there are so many brilliant minds around here

that it's going to be difficult to find Paula's and Edgar's.

"Hot pastrami on rye with potato salad on the side."

- That's me.

We missed lunch.

I'm awful hungry.

(sneaky music)

Why don't you just disappear and walk on in?

- Once inside I may have to ask directions,

and most people are reluctant

to answer questions from disembodied voices.

(suspenseful music)

Wait here.

(perplexed music)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, I hope you're not planning on doing

what I think you're planning on doing.

- If it's all the same to you,

I'll take care of the mind-reading department.

Here, put this on.

No no, wait, someone's coming.

- Uncle Martin, look, we can't sneak into a restricted area.

It's 20 years in Leavenworth if we're caught.

- Stop bickering.

(misty music)

- No matter which way I look, I keep seeing Leavenworth.

- Well if it bothers you so much,

why don't you close your eyes?

I beg your pardon,

do you happen to know Dr. Edgar Edgarton?

- Edgarton, Edgarton, uh,

is he here for the demonstration?

- Yes, he's a friend of Paula Clayfield.

- Oh sure, he's from Midwest Tech.

The last time I saw them,

they were heading for the testing lab.

- The testing lab?

- Yeah.

They, uh, had a alloy specimen they found someplace,

wanted to check it out.

The, uh, testing lab is right down this corridor

and three doors to the right on the next corridor.

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Thanks.

See you around, Louise.

- Yeah. (laughs)

(comical music)

Uncle Martin, look look look!

- Shh!

- Nobody's gonna believe that's me!

- Shh shh shh shh.

They're in there testing the alloy

on the radial spectrograph.

- Well could they find out anything that way?

- Plenty!

Someone's coming in here!

Quick, disappear!

(bumbling music)

- Martin, you know I can't disappear.

(humorous music)

- Paula, that spectrograph must be broken.

- It checked out all right with the specimen controls.

- Yes, I know, but uh,

all I can say is if we get comparable results

from the gas vapors,

we're just gonna have to go to the head of the department,

that's all.

That's strange, I've never noticed it before.

- Noticed what before?

- You're beautiful.

That's it!

- [Paula] What's it?

- Well ever since I got here this morning

I've had a vague uneasy feeling

that there's something I should do.

I just realized what it was.

(affectionate music)

(spooky music)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin.

Did you have anything to do with that Cinderella bit?

- That's a pretty direct question.

- Why here's another one.

Why do I always have to be the punk?

Carla, sweetheart?

Hi, this is Tim, I'm completely recovered.

Yes, well I thought maybe you'd like to have dinner

with me tonight.

Well I have this little--

- Come in, Mrs. Brown.

(audience laughs)

- How'd you know it was me?

- Mrs. Brown, I have a seventh sense about you.

- Oh, that's nice.

Guess what's in this letter?

- All right, hon, fine.

Look, I'll pick you up at eight o'clock, all right?

- It's from Paula and Edgar

and they're having a wonderful time on their honeymoon.

Oh they've been to the aquarium and the museum

and Grant's tomb, just everywhere, even Ellis Island.

But you know what?

- No, what?

- Well, Paula said she had the most marvelous idea

on how to fix Martin's raster,

so they're both on the way back to help him.

Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, when I read the letter

I could just see your smiling faces.

(sarcastic music)

(audience laughs)

(comical music)