Original subtitles

( dramatic music playing )

Man: #]THIS IS THE COSMOS AS WE KNOW IT.

YOUR PLANET, THE EARTH, THIRD FROM YOUR SUN.

AND PAST EARTH, MARS, JUPITER, SATURN,

NEPTUNE, URANUS AND PLUTO.

AND BEYOND THAT, FAR, FAR OFF...

NO, NO, FURTHER. FARTHER.

W-- WAIT, WOO-- W-- THERE!

AT THE VERY EDGE OF THE GALAXY

IS OUR WORLD,

THE TINY PLANET KNOWN

AS SPENGO.

FOR MANY DECADES, I WAS THE KING OF THIS PLANET.

PEOPLE WERE HAPPY AND THEIR LIVES WERE GOOD.

BUT ALSO, ALAS, WE WERE A PLANET OF IDIOTS.

THEN, ONE DAY, THE MOST EVIL, BLOODTHIRSTY,

FEARSOME VILLAIN OUR PLANET HAD EVER SEEN

SEIZED POWER, IMPRISONED ME

AND RENAMED THE PLANET AFTER HIMSELF.

HIS NAME? TOD SPENGO.

( grunts )

ALL RIGHT, HELP ME UP!

HURRY UP! ALL RIGHT, LET GO!

WELL, ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S NOT EXACTLY FEARSOME,

BUT HE CERTAINLY CAUGHT US BY SURPRISE.

GENERAL AFIR! HOW MUCH LONGER?

THE DEATH RAY IS READY, GREAT ONE.

EXCELLENT!

King: DID I MENTION WE WERE A PLANET OF IDIOTS?

( both grunt )

OPEN THE DOME!

( gears turning )

King: SPENGO HAD PUT ALL OF OUR RESOURCES

INTO THE CREATION OF ONE WEAPON--

THE MIGHTY DEATH RAY LASER.

ITS PURPOSE,

THE DESTRUCTION OF EARTH.

EARTH, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO BIG,

SO IMPORTANT.

WELL, SOON YOU'LL BE NOTHING MORE THAN SPACE DUST,

AND MY PLANET WILL BE THE GRANDEST IN THE UNIVERSE!

SIRE, WE'VE CALCULATED THE PLANET'S MOST VULNERABLE SPOT.

A PLACE THE EARTHLINGS CALL

WOODLAND HILLS, CALIFORNIA.

Tod: HMM, WOODLAND HILLS.

SHOW ME THIS WOODLAND HILLS.

SHOW ME THE EXACT SPOT MY ALL-POWERFUL DEATH RAY WILL STRIKE!

AS YOU WISH, SIRE.

WAIT! WAIT, STOP!!

OH MY GOD.

THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE IN THE UNIVERSE.

LOOK AT THOSE LEGS

AND THOSE CURVES

AND THE WAY SHE MOS.

OH! OH, STOP!

STOP THIS TORTURING ME WITH THOSE LUSTY GYRATIONS!

OH, GODDESS OF DESIRE!

AFIR,

I MUST HAVE THIS WOMAN.

BUT SIRE, HER PLANET IS ABOUT TO BE DESTROYED.

SO WE'LL WAIT A DAY.

BRING ME THIS WOMAN. WE'LL DESTROY EARTH TOMORROW.

- YES, SIRE. - GENERAL.

SIRE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?

YOU ARE GREAT AND ALL-POWERFUL, LORD TOD.

TOMORROW, MY LOVE...

TOMORROW,

YOU WILL BE MINE.

King: BOTH MY PLANET AND YOURS WERE IN GRAVE PERIL.

THAT IS, UNTIL THE FATEFUL INTERVENTION

OF THE TWO WISEST, BRAVEST,

MOST NOBLE HEROES THE UNIVERSE HAS EVER KNOWN.

Woman: THAT'S YOUR DAD AND ME ON THE SQUARE IN ENSENADA.

Man: OH YEAH, JUST BEFORE THEY LOST OUR BAGS.

NOW, I TRIED TO GET HIM TO GO IN THE WATER, BUT--

HUH-UH, NO. JELLYFISH, SHARKS, SAWFISH--

WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY GOT DOWN THERE?

OH, THE BURRO TRIP. THAT REALLY KILLED MY BACK.

NOW THAT'S MY KIND OF PLACE-- NO BUGS, NO CRAZY FOOD--

DICK.

OH, THAT'S IT. OUR TRIP TO MEXICO.

YOUR MOTHER WANTED TO SHOW 'EM. I TOLD HER YOU'D BE BORED.

NO. NO.

- NO NO! WE REALLY ENJOYED IT. - GOOD.

GOD, MOM, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU AND DAD HAVE BEEN MARRIED 20 YEARS.

SO, HOW ARE YOU GUYS GETTING ALONG?

OH, FINE, FINE.

YOU KNOW, YOUR DAD, HE JUST GETS

- A LITTLE DOWN SOMETIMES. - IS IT HIS BACK AGAIN?

AND HIS STOMACH, HIS NECK

AND WORK OF COURSE.

- POOR POP. - IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I THINK THIS LITTLE TRIP TO SANTA BARBARA IS REALLY GONNA CHEER HIM UP.

TALKING CARL'S EAR OFF, DAD?

- OH, YEAH. ( chuckles ) - Carl: YEAH.

HERE.

- HAVE SOME PIE. - THANK YOU.

I CAN'T EAT THIS, IT'S TOO RICH.

MARGE, I CAN'T EAT THIS.

OH, JUST A TINY BITE.

- ( whimpering ) - NO, SALTY.

NO!

HERE.

♪ The world ♪

♪ Next door. ♪

I THOUGHT YOUR STOMACH HURT FROM THE PIE.

UH-HUH.

OH, GOD.

( groans )

GOOD NIGHT, MARGE.

GOOD NIGHT, DICK.

( groaning )

Marge: DICK, DON'T DRINK FROM THE CARTON.

AND DON'T EAT THOSE GRAPES, THEY'RE FOR THE TRIP.

HOW THE HECK DOES SHE...?

( car alarm blaring )

DAMN THING. THANKS.

HOW MUCH STUFF ARE YOU AND MRS. NELSON BRINGING?

WELL, CARL...

THIS ONE'S MINE...

AND THE REST OF THIS STUFF IS MY WIFE'S.

SHE PACKS THE CLOSET, SHE PACKS THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

SHE JUST PACKS EVERYTHING.

BIG WEEKEND OF ROMANCE, HUH, DAD?

OH, NO NO. WAS YOUR MOTHER'S IDEA.

ALAN, MY BACK IS KILLING ME. WOULD YOU JUST GIVE ME A HAND HERE?

ALAN. AL?

ALAN.

I'VE GOT THE COFFEE MACHINE, HONEY.

- HUH? - MOM, MOST HOTELS HAVE COFFEE MACHINES.

THIS ONE'S BETTER. I GOT IT AT THE LUGGAGE STORE.

OKAY, HERE.

WHAT'S IN THE BAG?

OH, THIS? JUST SOME GRANOLA BARS,

SOME GRAPES, SOME RAISINS

AND SOME APPLE JUICE FOR THE TRIP.

WELL, GOODBYE, HONEY.

- NOW YOU TAKE CARE. - I PROMISE, OKAY.

- CARL, SUCH A SWEET BOY. - BYE, MRS. NELSON.

- DADDY. - YOU BE GOOD, YOU KIDS.

- YOU BE GOOD. - I KNOW, I KNOW.

DICK. HONEY, HONEY.

DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS

- AND DON'T TELL ANYBODY WE'RE OUT OF TOWN. - I PROMISE!

- DO YOU HAVE ALL THE NUMBERS WRITTEN DOWN? - I'VE GOT EVERYTHING.

- THANK YOU, SWEETHEART. - ALL RIGHT, BYE.

- BYE, DADDY. - HERE WE GO.

- BYE! BYE, MOM! - GOODBYE, MR. NELSON!

All: BYE!

- BYE, HONEY! - ( honks )

Marge: BYE!

( gasps ) DICK, I THINK I LEFT THE IRON PLUGGED IN.

I HOPE NOT. IT'S ON THE ROOF.

DICK, LET'S TRY AND HAVE FUN THIS WEEKEND, OKAY?

MARGE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE FUN.

I DON'T WANT TO GO DANCING. I DON'T WANT TO EAT ANY CRAZY FOOD.

I DON'T WANT TO RUN AROUND. I WANT TO SIT IN ONE PLACE AND RELAX, OKAY?

OKAY.

LOOK, DICK. IT'S THE OLD OJAI HIGHWAY.

WE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY THAT.

LOOK, WE'RE NOT TAKING ANY RINKY-DINK LITTLE BACK ROAD.

OH, COME ON, YOU MIGHT ENJOY IT.

END OF DISCUSSION. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. END OF DISCUSSION.

Marge: THERE. ISN'T THIS BETTER THAN THE 101?

( groans )

YES.

YES.

- MM-HMM. - YEAH.

WE ARE READY, LORD TOD.

EXCELLENT, GENERAL.

ACTIVATE THE MAGNO BEAM.

( gears turning )

( humming )

( rumbling )

( rattling )

- JEEZ! - HONEY?

I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN IT TO JORGE TO GET IT FIXED!

- I'LL TAKE IT TO THE DEALER NEXT TIME. - DICK!

- ( tires screeching ) - AY-YI-YI!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CAR?

OH, GREAT, THAT'S MY ONLY BAG!

OH, JEEZ! THE BRAKES DON'T WORK!

( horn blaring )

OH MY GOD!

HOLY JEEZ!

ARE WE DEAD?

UH, UM...

I DON'T THINK SO.

- OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! - OH MY GOD, WE'RE FLOATING!

- WE'RE GONNA DIE! - NO, WE'RE NOT.

Tod over radio: Greetings, Earthlings. I am Emperor--

- OW! - Don't turn me off!

JEEZ, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US HERE, MARGE?

- ME? - YEAH.

Silence!

I THINK THE RADIO IS TALKING TO US.

That is correct, Marge Nelson.

JEEZ, I THOUGHT IT WAS LARRY KING.

I am the Emperor Tod Spengo.

Consider yourselves fortunate to be entering into my domain,

because soon your puny little planet will cease to exist.

Until we meet again, Earthlings.

Enjoy the ride!

( laughing maniacally )

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

DICK, LOOK IT'S SATURN. OH, THIS IS FABULOUS!

THIS IS SO EXCITING! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

- SATURN. - MARGE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DICK, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO UNPLEASANT?

MARGE, WE'RE BILLIONS OF MILES FROM EARTH, WE'VE GOT A QUARTER OF A TANK OF GAS,

I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE DOING ON OIL.

LOOK, WE'RE HERE NOW. WE MIGHT AS WELL MAKE THE BEST OF IT, ALL RIGHT?

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

I MEAN, DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES OF SATURN?

NO, I-- I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE...

DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT f-stop?

- OH, I'M FINE. I'M USING THE FLASH. - THE FLASH?

- MM-HMM. - MARGE, IT'S OUTER SPACE.

HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN ANY PICTURES IN OUTER SPACE, DICK?

- Dick: NO. - OH, THAT'S GREAT!

- OH! GOSH, MARGE. - ALL RIGHT, SCOOT OVER A LITTLE.

- WHAT? - I WANT TO GET ONE OF YOU AND SATURN.

NO, MARGE, DON'T TAKE MY PICTURE! DON'T--

( grunts )

( discordant notes )

♪ O MARGE, O MARGE ♪

♪ TOD'S LOVE FOR YOU IS... ♪

ARGE, BARGE, CARGE,

LARGE, MA--

LARGE? WHAT KIND OF--

OH. LARGE.

OH. LARGE.

♪ O MARGE, O MARGE ♪

♪ TOD'S LOVE FOR YOU IS LARGE... ♪

- SIRE. SIRE! - ♪ LAR-- ♪ WHAT?!

THE EARTH WOMAN HAS EXITED HER SOLAR SYSTEM

AND IS APPROACHING OUR PLANET.

EXCELLENT, GENERAL.

PREPARE HER FOR OUR INTRODUCTION.

DRESS HER AS WOULD BEFIT MY QUEEN.

AND THE MALE, SIRE?

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIM.

BUT SURELY THIS WILL UPSET THE FEMALE.

NO WOMAN CAN RESIST MY SEDUCTIVE POWERS.

ONE MINUTE WITH THE GREAT TOD SPENGO

AND SHE WILL FORGET SHE WAS EVEN MARRIED.

POOR FOOL WILL BE NO MATCH FOR ME.

GO! GO AND BRING HIM TO ME.

YES, SIRE.

AFIR!

( sighs )

ON A SCALE OF ONE TO 10

IN TERMS OF UNIVERSE-DOMINATING GREATNESS,

WHERE WOULD YOU PLACE SAY...

OH, ME?

A 10, SIRE. MOST DEFINITELY.

- A 10? - MM-HMM.

HMM. WELL, YES, OF COURSE A 10!

WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU THINK, A SIX?

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE. I MUST PREPARE FOR HER ARRIVAL.

YES, SIRE.

WELCOME, MY LOVE.

AND MY ENEMY.

( laughs maniacally )

OH JEEZ. AW, I ONLY BROUGHT ONE OF THESE!

THAT'S OKAY, I CAN GET IT OUT WITH A LITTLE PICKRIN--

WHOA!

- GOD! - DICK, LOOK!

- THAT TINY LITTLE PLANET. - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

HANG ON, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO TO US.

- Marge: OH. - OH BOY!

OH, GOD, IT'S A MESS!

Marge: SLOW!

- THEY'RE HERE! - WE DID IT!

( machinery whirring )

Both: WHOA!

- YOU OKAY? OW. - YEAH, YOU?

OH, THE FRONT END'S PROBABLY SHOT.

GONNA COST ME A FORTUNE TO FIX.

ROLL UP THE WINDOW.

ROLL UP THE WINDOW, QUICK!

ME?

- STAY HERE. - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL THEM?

I DON'T KNOW. "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER," I GUESS.

HI.

DICK NELSON, WOODLAND HILLS, CALIFORNIA.

HI.

SO... QUITE A NIFTY LITTLE SETUP YOU'VE GOT FOR YOURSELVES HERE.

UH, NO, NO, SORRY. SHE STAYS IN THE CAR.

OH MY!

HI, I'M MARGE NELSON,

DICK-- DICK'S WIFE.

IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

WE'RE REALLY ENJOYING YOUR PLANET VERY MUCH.

- HEY! - ( cracks )

OH JEEZ, MY BACK! OW!

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT WITH US?

YOU'VE BEEN INVITED HERE BY THE EMPEROR TOD SPENGO.

Marge: WE REALLY APPRECIATE THAT VERY MUCH, BUT WHY?

OUR GREAT EMPEROR DESIRES YOUR PRESENCE...

AT HIS WEDDING.

Marge: THIS OBVIOUSLY MEANS A LOT TO THIS TOD FELLOW.

Dick: MARGE, NO. END OF DISCUSSION.

YOU MIGHT REALLY LIKE IT. REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU LOVED

- THAT WEDDING IN MISSION VIEJO? - THAT WAS DIFFERENT.

WE WERE GUESTS OF THE ZIMMERMANS.

WELL, HONEY, HERE WE'RE GUESTS OF AN EMPEROR.

THE ZIMMERMANS WERE HUMAN BEINGS FROM THE PLANET EARTH.

END OF DISCUSSION!

DICK, DON'T YOU THINK MAYBE YOU'RE A LITTLE GROUCHY FROM THE TRIP?

OH, GREAT! NOW I'M MR. GROUCHY-FROM-THE-TRIP!

MR. FLY-A-BILLION-MILES TO-GOD-KNOWS...

EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU TAKE OUR PICTURE?

DICK, COME HERE, HURRY. QUICK, COME OVER HERE.

EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU MIND GETTING IN A PICTURE WITH US?

- PRESS THE BUTTON. IT'S VERY SIMPLE. - MARGE. MARGE.

JUST ONE PICTURE. IT'S VERY EASY, IT'S AN AUTOMATIC.

- LOOK AT THIS WONDERFUL THING! JUST PRESS THE BUTTON. - MARGE.

- WAVE. SAY HI. - HI!

- ( yelps ) - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- MARGE. - HAVE A NICE DAY, WHOEVER YOU ARE.

- WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME? WE DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. - ( both grumbling )

- WE DIDN'T BRING THEM ANYTHING. - SO WHAT?

- ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GO. - IT'S A WEDDING, IT COULD BE FUN.

- I'M TELLING YOU, THOUGH-- OH. - WELL,

YOUR CHAMBERS HAVE BEEN PREPARED.

THERE YOU CAN REFRESH YOURSELF BEFORE YOU MEET THE EMPEROR.

YOUR SERVANTS WILL SHOW YOU TO YOUR CHAMBERS.

- OH! - ( trilling )

Dick: HOLD ON A SECOND HERE. NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT

- OH, AREN'T YOU SWEET? - NO, MARGE, WAIT, WAIT!

- MARGE! - HAVE A NICE TIME!

- BYE, DICK. - MARGE!

SO, WHERE ARE WE GOING HERE, GUYS?

( chuckles menacingly )

OW! GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME! I'M A GUEST HERE, YOU KNOW!

- ( bulldogs grumbling ) - OUCH!

WHO'S YOUR SUPERVISOR?

I'M A UNITED STATES CITIZEN!

OH!

OH, GREAT.

HEY! OPEN UP!

LET ME OUT OF HERE!

( raspy voice ) HEY! OPEN UP! LET ME OUT OF HERE.

- ( chuckles ) - WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

( mockingly ) WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

JEEZ, THAT'S A BIG MOTHER.

JEEZ, THAT'S A BIG MOTHER.

GO ON, SHOO! GET OUT OF HERE!

GO ON, SHOO! GET OUT OF HERE!

( screams )

HEY!

YOU TOUCH MY WIFE AND YOU'RE DEAD!

- ( dings ) - OH, COFFEE'S READY.

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE COFFEE.

COFFEE?

OH, THAT'S OUR DAUGHTER STEPHANIE.

AND THAT'S HER LITTLE BOYFRIEND CARL.

THAT ONE'S OUR SON ALAN.

HE'S KIND OF GOING THROUGH A PHASE RIGHT NOW.

OH, AND THAT'S MY HUSBAND. THAT'S DICK.

DI-ICK.

MM-HMM, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

ALAN IS REALLY A VERY GOOD BOY.

HE'S JUST AT A DIFFICULT AGE, BUT WE LOVE HIM VERY MUCH.

OH, WHAT ARE THESE, YOUR PETS?

OH, I SEE, IT'S YOUR FAMILY.

OH, THESE MUST BE YOUR CHILDREN.

THEY'RE ADORABLE.

JUST ADORABLE! OH.

BLAAATTT!

BLAAATTT. THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND?

OH, I SEE. YOU'RE SEPARATED?

YOU'RE NOT GETTING ALONG RIGHT NOW, IS THAT IT?

MM-HMM. WELL...

PERHAPS YOU'RE NOT COMMUNICATING.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HIM, HUH?

ALL RIGHT, THEN, THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.

MORE COFFEE?

- OH, FINE. - WHEW!

PULL! PULL!

COME ON!

- ( bulldogs grunting ) - TIGHTER! TIGHT--

( deep voice ) OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

SHE IS ON HER WAY TO THE THRONE ROOM, GREAT ONE.

EXCELLENT, AFIR! PREPARE THE CHORUS AND I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

YES, SIRE.

- GENERAL? - SIRE?

- HOW, UH...? - Bulldog: OH, BOY!

YOU LOOK SMASHING.

YES, I DO. I DO, DON'T I?

WELL, I'LL JOIN YOU PRESENTLY. NOW GET OUT!

OH, MOTHER, IF ONLY YOU COULD BE HERE.

- DON'T! - ( yelps )

WHOA!

( sniffs ) WHEW. WHOA.

NO! NO, PLEASE!

NOT THE MIND MILK MACHINE AGAIN!

IT SUCKS YOUR BRAINS OUT.

IT TAKES YOUR THOUGHTS

AND MASHES YOUR BRAIN AND...

WHO ARE YOU?

DICK NELSON FROM EARTH.

EARTH? OH, YES.

I AM RAFF.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

- "I AM RAFF." - NO.

I AM RAFF, YOU ARE EARTH-DICK.

LISTEN, EARTH-DICK, I HAVE INFORMATION

VITAL TO THE FUTURE OF YOUR PLANET AND MY OWN.

- AM I SPEAKING NOW? - YES, YOU ARE.

GOOD. SIGNAL ME WHEN I STOP.

YOU'VE STOPPED.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF SPENGO!

I-- I WAS KING OF THIS PLANET WHEN HE SEIZED POWER.

HE STOLE MY IDEAS AND MISUSED THEM

TO BUILD HIS... ( stammering )

- TELESCOPE? - NO, NO, NO, NO. HIS... ( grunting )

FISHING POLE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. HIS...

- BEACH BALL! - NO. HIS DEATH RAY!

- DEATH RAY? - I JUST SAID THAT.

NOW THEN, EARTH-DICK,

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

OPEN MY PANTS.

- WHAT? - QUICKLY, IT'S URGENT.

UH... NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.

I HAVEN'T BEEN IN PRISON LONG ENOUGH FOR THIS.

NO, NO. THERE IS INFORMATION VITAL TO OUR CAUSE IN MY PANTS!

NOW, OPEN MY PANTS, TAKE THE INFORMATION AND ESCAPE.

ESCAPE?!

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ESCAPE?

( giggles )

I HAVE NO IDEA,

BUT YOU WILL THINK OF SOMETHING. AFTER ALL,

THIS IS A PLANET OF IDIOTS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

I'M THE MOST INTELLIGENT ONE HERE AND I'M AN IDIOT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, JUST SAVE IT. I'LL--

HANG ON.

( creaks )

YOU MUST TAKE THIS TO MY SON, SIRK THE...

SIRK THE--

OH, DAMN IT! SIRK THE--

- LEADER? - HUH-UH.

- GENERAL? - NO!

THE WHITE BIRD!

- ( imitates bird ) - OH, THE WHITE BIRD.

OF COURSE, RIGHT. MM-HMM.

- AND THEN-- - YES?

JUST AT THE WRONG MOMENT...

- MM-HMM? - I SHALL PASS OUT.

WHITE BIRD. SURE, YEAH, WELL, GREAT!

TERRIFIC!

I'M SCREWED.

( grunting cadence )

Man: AND HALT!

( gasps ) OH!

OH, THIS IS FANTASTIC! GOODNESS!

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

( crowd murmurs )

EXCUSE ME, BUT IS MY HUSBAND HERE YET?

( growls )

( discordant notes )

IS THAT THE COURT JESTER?

♪ TOD, TOD, TOD, TOD ♪

♪ TOD, TOD, TOD, TOD... ♪

♪ TOD, O TOD ♪

♪ HE IS A GOD-ISH GOD ♪

♪ FEARSOME AND BRAVE ♪

♪ OUR FUTURE HE WILL SAVE, UPON THE FACE OF HISTORY ♪

♪ HIS NAME WILL BE ENGRAVED, TOD! ♪

( grunting )

GREETINGS, MARGE NELSON!

I AM TOD THE DESTROYER,

RULER OF ALL THAT YOU SEE.

IMPRESSED?

OH, YES, YOU HAVE AN ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE LITTLE PLANET HERE.

OH, YOU THINK MY PLANET IS LITTLE?

OH, YES, IT'S JUST... TINY.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, MARGE NELSON, IT'S NOT THE SIZE OF YOUR PLANET,

- IT'S HOW YOU USE IT! - HMM.

I'M SORRY, WOULD YOU DO THAT AGAIN?

I THINK I HAD THE DISTANCE WRONG.

- OH! - THANK YOU.

NOW, WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT YOUR LITTLE PLANET?

DON'T YOU GET IT? I'M THE EMPEROR!

- I RULE HERE! - OH.

TOD...

ARE YOU INSECURE?

ME? INSECURE?

IF I WERE INSECURE,

WHY WOULD I SPEAK SO LOUDLY, HMM?

HOW ABOUT NOW, DEAR MARGE? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME NOW?

UH, MR. SPENGO, WHERE'S DICK?

OH, WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT HIM?

DOES HE HAVE A PLANET NAMED AFTER HIM?

IS HIS NAME DICK EARTH?

MR. SPENGO, WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MARRY ME, MARGE, AND BECOME THE QUEEN OF SPENGO.

MARRY YOU? I CAN'T MARRY YOU. I'M ALREADY MARRIED.

SO? WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BE A QUEEN?

TOD, WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?

HE IS IN THE DUNGEON WHERE HE WILL ROT

AS HIS PLANET IS DESTROYED BEFORE HIM!

THAT IS CORRECT. FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING,

I SHALL BLOW UP EARTH,

THEREBY MAKING SPENGO THE MOST POWERFUL PLANET IN THE UNIVERSE!

( indifferently ) YAY.

MR. SPENGO, I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE ME TO MY HUSBAND IMMEDIATELY!

I WILL MAKE YOU MINE, MARGE NELSON.

- YOU WILL LOVE ME! - NEVER, I'LL NEVER LOVE YOU!

- I LOVE MY HUSBAND! - OH, FINE. YOU KNOW, FINE.

I WILL RELEASE HIM.

I'LL TAKE HIM TO THE LABORATORY AND MILK HIS MIND.

I'LL FIND OUT WHAT'S IN IT THAT COULD POSSIBLY WARRANT YOUR LOVE FOR HIM.

- TAKE HER AWAY! - NO! NO!

TOD, YOU LEAVE MY HUSBAND ALONE!

- ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS! - GET IN THERE!

CAN'T WE TALK THIS OUT? OH.

ANIMALS!

( growling )

ALL RIGHT, OKAY!

( snarls )

WAIT A SECOND. YOU'RE...

- BLAAATTT, AREN'T YOU? - HUH? ( growling )

I SAW YOUR PICTURE. YOU'RE-- YOU'RE BWAAA'S HUSBAND.

MMM, WOULD YOU LIKE A GRANOLA BAR?

- GRA-NO-LA? - GRA-NO-LA?

( muffled screaming )

DO IT.

( groaning )

"MY BACK. MY BACK IS KILLING ME.

THIS SPENGO IDIOT

IS LAUGHING AT ME.

I'D LIKE TO PUNCH HIM IN THE MOUTH,

BUT IF I DO, SOMEONE WOULD PUNCH ME IN THE MOUTH."

- THAT'S RIGHT. - "WHAT'S THAT IN MY MOUTH?

THERE'S A PIECE OF GRANOLA IN MY TEETH.

OH, MARGE GAVE ME GRANOLA IN THE CAR.

MARGE!

MARGE IN TROUBLE?

MARGE-- MARGE DEAD?

I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED ON THE 101. I TRIED TO TELL HER!

SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME, NOBODY DOES, NOT EVEN MY SON."

EVEN YOUR OWN KID THINKS YOU'RE A JERK.

"OH MY GOD! I LEFT THE FIREPLACE ON!

ALL OF OUR THINGS!

ALL THOSE MEMENTOS OF 20 YEARS.

THOSE PHOTOS OF MARGE!"

- WHAT THE HECK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? - "OH, MARGE.

SHE'S LOOKING FOR ME! SHE'S WORRIED SICK!

OH, MARGE! MARGE! MARGE!"

- OH, ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH. - "OH, MARGE! MARGE!

- MARGE!" - THAT'S ENOUGH.

- "MARGE, MARGE!" - THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S ENOU--

- THAT'S ENOUGH! YOU IDIOT, IT'S ME! - "OH, MARGE! MARGE!"

- OH, FORGET IT! WAKE UP, WAKE UP! - "OH, MARGE! MARGE!"

MARGE NELSON MUST HAVE THE HEART OF AN ANGEL,

BECAUSE ONLY AN ANGEL COULD LOVE SUCH A PATHETIC WEAKLING LIKE YOURSELF!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY WIFE?

- EXECUTE HIM. - YOU TOUCH MY WIFE,

I'LL RIP OFF YOUR POINTY LITTLE HEAD, YOU PIPSQUEAK!

YOU HEAR ME, HUH? COME ON! I'LL MURDER YOU!

YOU THINK I'M A WEAKLING? I USED TO PLAY FOOTBALL! COME ON!

COME ON! COME ON!

OH, SHOOT.

YEAH, IT'S TOUGH HAVING TO BE MASCULINE ALL THE TIME, ISN'T IT?

( whimpering )

SOMETIMES MY HUSBAND DIGS HIS HEELS INTO SOMETHING SO MUCH

THAT HE FINDS IT DIFFICULT TO ADMIT THAT HE'S WRONG.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A NICE LITTLE HUG, ISN'T IT?

OH.

- ( panting ) - THAT'S A GOOD BOY.

THAT'S A GOOD BOY.

THERE.

NOW WOULDN'T YOU FEEL A LOT BETTER

IF YOU WENT AND HAD A NICE TALK WITH BWAAA?

TOLD HER THAT YOU BELIEVED IN HER...

- UH-HUH. - AND THAT YOU LOVED HER?

- UH-HUH. - SHE SHOULD TELL YOU THE SAME THING, TOO.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD GO TALK TO HER NOW?

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. - YEAH, OKAY.

OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY.

BWAAA! OH BOY, OH BOY.

OW, OW, OW, OW!

- IT HURTS, DOESN'T IT? - YEAH. THAT THING'S AS BIG AS A--

NO! I MEAN #sLOSING ONE'S LOVE.

IT'S PAIN,

BUT WE HAVE TO GO ON,

JUST AS I HAVE TO GO ON NOW.

THIS IS MY DUTY!

BUT-- BUT--

BUT I JUST CAN'T! ( sobbing )

OKAY.

COME ON, YOU'LL BE OKAY.

NO! YOU HAVE TO ESCAPE!

YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!

HERE, YOU CAN TAKE MY UNIFORM.

YOU CAN DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A DESTROYER!

HERE, TAKE MY HELMET.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

YOU MAY T REALIZE IT, EARTH MAN,

BUT THE LOVE YOU FEEL FOR YOUR WOMAN IS ETERNAL AND BEAUTIFUL.

ANYONE WHO HAS LOVED THIS WAY KNOWS.

I, TOO, ONCE HAD A TRUE LOVE,

BUT I LOST HER A LONG, LONG TIME AGO.

THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO YOU, EARTH MAN.

QUICKLY, HURRY UP!

- ( gasps ) - ( all growling )

- HI. EXCUSE ME. - Bulldog: HI.

( grunts )

WHOA!

HAIL TOD!

TOD THE DESTROYER! ( groans )

YOUR UNIFORM'S TOO SMALL, MISTER!

I'VE ORDERED A NEW ONE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

ZURG.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- PATROL. - WHICH REGION?

NORTH?

OKAY, GO AHEAD.

THAT GUY RAFF WAS RIGHT. THESE PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS.

- MMM. - HEH.

SHOOT HIM.

WHOA!

WHOA!

AH! BURNED EGGS!

( yelling )

( grunts )

OH, BILLIONS OF MILES FROM A CHIROPRACTOR.

( cooing )

WHOA! WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?

AW...

YOU'RE A CUTE LITTLE FELLA.

COOTCHY, COOTCHY, COOTCHY.

- ( screeching ) - WHOA! WHA-- NO!

( all screeching )

NO! NO! JEEZ!

HELP! OH GOD! OH!

OH! WHOA!

I'M BEING CHASED BY A BUNCH OF KILLER MUSHROOMS!

HO-- WHOA, WHOA!

WHOA!

WHOA!

( Dick groans )

COME ON, DICK, YOU CAN DO A PULL-UP.

( grunting )

MAYBE NOT.

WHERE DO THEY KEEP THE MIND MILK ROOMS AROUND HERE, ANYWAY?

- ( Marge gasps ) - GET HER!

- ( guards grunt, clamoring ) - DICK! HELP!

( echoing ) HELP! DICK! DICK! HELP!

MARGE.

( mushroom screaming )

I'M COMING, MARGIE!

MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! STOP HER!

THERE SHE IS!

OH! DICK!

OUCH! THESE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TREAT COMPANY.

SO! MARGE NELSON,

- WE MEET AGAIN. - UCH.

- THERE WE GO! THERE SHE IS! - ( Tod laughs )

LET HER GO.

PERHAPS MY ARM IS TOO STRONG.

AND PERHAPS MY LEGS ARE TOO AGILE!

- ( Tod grunts ) - ( chuckles )

Tod: ( high-pitched ) THANK YOU!

( grunts ) MARGE!

DICK! OH, DICK!

- LET GO! - MARGE!

PUNISH HIM!

MARGE!

( Tod laughing )

Marge: STOP IT!

STOP!

NOW, MARGE NELSON...

YOU WILL WITNESS TRUE POWER.

( panting )

TOD, YOU WERE RIGHT.

DICK IS NOTHING COMPARED TO YOU.

YOU ARE BOLD AND STRONG AND...

POWERFUL.

DICK IS SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT,

LIKE ALL EARTH MEN.

MARGE?

I GUESS SHE'S MADE HER DECISION.

GOODBYE, EARTH MAN.

NO!

( screaming )

( grunts

( groaning )

- ( screams ) - ( yelping )

- ( car alarm blaring ) - OH, JEEZ!

- OH, GREAT. - THERE THEY GO!

COME ON! SHOOT HIM!

OH, JEEZ.

( banging )

MUST BE SOMETHING LIKE A CAR, RIGHT?

OKAY, OKAY. IGNITION, POWER,

BRAKES, DRIVE--

( screams )

FIRE THE MISSILES! GET HIM DOWN!

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHAT DID I HIT?

FORWARD, FORWARD-- WHOA!

DOWN. DOWN'S GOOD.

OPEN SIX.

- OPEN FIVE. - READY.

OPEN FOUR.

AIM.

OPEN ONE. FIRE!

( screams )

- ( alarm blaring ) - EJECT!

EJECT!

I PUSHED EVERYTHING! EXCEPT...

- Marge: NO! NO! - ( all cheering )

NO!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME NOW?

♪ OH TOD, OH TOD, YOU ARE A GLORIOUS GOD ♪

- ♪ FEARSOME AND BRAVE, OUR FUTURE YOU WILL SAVE! ♪ - OW! HELP ME, HELP ME!

YOU HORRIBLE, AWFUL, HIDEOUS MAN! I HATE YOU!

PREPARE HER FOR OUR WEDDING FIRST THING TOMORROW.

- Afir: YES, SIRE. - IF YOU WILL NOT MARRY ME BY CHOICE,

YOU WILL MARRY ME BY FORCE.

- TAKE HER AWAY! - NO! NO! NO!

COME ON, FELLAS, DANCE WITH ME!

♪ OH TOD, OH TOD YOU ARE A GLORIOUS GOD. ♪

( Dick screaming )

( grunts, groaning )

OW! OW. OOH.

( groaning )

( wind howling )

DAMN. OW!

( cracks )

OH MY!

I'M SORRY, WHAT, MARGE?

OH! NO, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

NO, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT? YOU THINK I'D LOOK BETTER WITH A BEARD?

ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S ONE YOU'LL LOVE.

OW!

OH, NO.

HEEYAH! EW.

YOU COULD EXERCISE.

CLOSE YOUR EYES!

( grunting ) ONE.

TWO.

AND 50.

YES!

YES! ( farts )

( both sniff )

( panting )

( grunting )

LISTEN.

I GIVE UP.

Marge's voice: OH, DICK!

- MARGE. - DICK!

GOODBYE, DICK!

MARGE.

Marge: I LOVED YOU!

NO! I GOTTA SAVE MARGE!

BUT I TOLD YOU I'M NOT A DESTROYER!

I'M DICK NELSON,

WOODLAND HILLS, CALIFORNIA!

AREA CODE 818-348--

( caws )

FOR RUINING OUR WORLD,

FOR BANISHING US TO THE DESERT,

FOR KILLING OUR NOBLE FATHER KING RAFF...

- RAFF? - FOR THESE CRIMES AGAINST OUR PLANET, DESTROYER,

- I'M AFRAID YOU MUST DIE! - WAIT!

UH... UH... YOU'RE SIRK?

HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

I WAS A PRISONER WITH YOUR FATHER.

WE SHARED A CELL TOGETHER.

- Woman: OUR FATHER IS ALIVE? - YEAH, YEAH.

HE EVEN GAVE ME SOMETHING TO GIVE TO YOU.

WHERE?

OPEN MY PANTS.

HE DOES KNOW FATHER.

EVER SINCE SPENGO'S RULE BEGAN, MY SISTER AND I

AND ALL MY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN HUNTED BY THE DESTROYERS.

THAT IS WHY WHEN WE TRAVEL, WE WEAR THESE MASKS,

TO DISGUISE OURSELVES AS BIRDS.

( all clucking )

UH, EXCUSE ME.

YOU REALLY HAVE BIRDS THIS SIZE ON YOUR PLANET?

NO.

THEN WHY WOULD IT FOOL ANYONE WHEN YOU WEAR THE MASKS?

YOU ARE A WISE MAN, DICK NELSON.

AKE-TAY OFF-TAY IRD-BAY ASK-MAY!

NO ONE HAS EVER ESCAPED FROM THE DARK FORTRESS ALIVE.

YOU MUST BE A VERY BRAVE MAN.

YEAH, WELL, I NEED TO GET BACK IN THERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN HELP ME?

FOR YEARS WE HAVE BEEN TRYING, BUT SPENGO HAS MANY WEAPONS.

WE ARE ARMED ONLY WITH OUR INTELLIGENCE.

- THAT'S TOO BAD. - YES.

WE ARE NOT A SMART PEOPLE,

BUT WHAT WE LACK IN BRAINS WE MAKE UP FOR IN GOOD INTENTIONS!

- All: YEAH! - MAYBE THIS WILL HELP US TOGETHER.

IT IS A DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF SPENGO'S FORTRESS!

WAIT, WAIT!

IT IS A DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF FATHER'S CELL.

WE'RE DEFEATED.

DEFEATED? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MY WIFE'S IN THERE, YOUR FATHER'S IN THERE! YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE UP!

SO YOU'RE IDIOTS, WHO CARES? THEY'RE IDIOTS TOO!

JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE STUPID DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T RULE A PLANET.

HEY, COME TO EARTH SOMETIME.

DON'T GIVE UP!

NEVER GIVE UP!

WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF WASHINGTON HAD GIVEN UP AT VALLEY FORGE?

WHAT IF ROOSEVELT HAD GIVEN UP AT SAN JUAN HILL?

WHAT IF NAMIB HAD GIVEN UP AT THE ICE MOON OF NOMOLOS?

- All: YEAH! - SO, IN THE TRADITION OF WASHINGTON,

ROOSEVELT AND NAMIB, LET'S DO IT!

All: YEAH! YEAH!

( all yelling )

JEEZ, WAIT A MINUTE.

YES! WE GO! REMEMBER WASHINGTON AT SAN JUAN HILL!

- WAIT A MINUTE! - WAIT, WAIT!

MY PEOPLE, WAIT FOR ME!

UH-- SIRK, DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO...

PREPARE OR SOMETHING?

DICK NELSON, YOU ARE A GIFT FROM HEAVEN.

MY PEOPLE! TOMORROW WE GO IN.

- GO IN AND SET THINGS RIGHT! - ( cracks )

Tod: AND NOW, EARTH, FAREWELL!

OH, I'M SICK OF TARGET PRACTICE.

CAN'T WAIT TO BLOW UP THE REAL THING.

YAH! ( grunts )

TOMORROW, EARTH, IT WILL ALL BE OVER,

AND THERE'S NO ONE WHO CAN STOP ME!

( grunts )

YOUR PLANS ARE BRILLIANT, EARTH MAN.

WELL, I JUST NOODLED A FEW THINGS DOWN.

COME, MY PEOPLE ARE ANXIOUS TO SHOW YOU THEIR PROGRESS.

All: DICK NELSON OF WOODLAND HILLS!

HAIL!

CARRY ON.

LOOK, THESE ARE WEAPONS WE HAVE STOLEN FROM THE DESTROYERS.

AH.

- HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE OF THESE? - Man: TOMORROW WE DIE!

- LOOKS LIKE A GRENADE. - IT'S A LIGHT GRENADE.

PULL THE PIN, SET IT DOWN,

WHOEVER PICKS IT UP...

PFFT!

GRENADE REMAINS, PERSON DISAPPEARS.

THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF. WHO'D PICK IT UP?

- OH. LOOK. - "PICK ME UP."

DIABOLICAL, ISN'T IT?

THIS IS ONE OF OUR WEAPONS.

- THIS IS A ROCK. - EXACTLY!

WHAT YOU DO IS RAISE YOU ARM LIKE SO

THEN-- VAVOOM! YOU THROW IT!

RIGHT. GOT IT.

COME, WE HAVE PREPARED A PRE-BATTLE FEAST, GREAT DICK.

WE HAVE PREPARED OUR PLANET'S GREATEST DELICACY.

HOT SPICED LUB-LUB

IN HEAVY GREASE.

I, UH...

THE LEADER MUST HAVE THE FIRST BITE.

OH, WHAT THE HECK.

MMM. ( gulps )

( playing fast rhythmic music )

( trilling )

AH! NO, NO, NO. I DON'T DANCE.

THIS MUSIC IS IN YOUR HONOR.

YOU MUST DANCE WITH THEM.

OH.

( chuckles )

UH.

I DON'T REALLY DANCE.

HI.

( laughing )

Dick: WHOA!

- ( whoops ) - YEEHAW!

YOUR BRIDE IS GETTING DRESSED, LORD TOD.

GIVE HER THE LOVE POTION. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

HEY, YOU. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER: MUTTON CHOPS OR GOATEE?

UM.

BE HONEST.

MUTTON CHOPS, MY LORD?

NO. NO, I LIKE THE GOATEE BETTER.

SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD.

NOW.

WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU?

MUTTON CHOPS!

PLANET OF IDIOTS!

YOU KNOW, THEY GOT A POINT.

OY.

( cooing )

LEAVE, ALL OF YOU! NOW!

( squealing )

- YOU MONSTER, YOU HORRIBLE-- - SILENCE!

I WILL NOT BE SILENT ABOUT THE FACT...

- I SAID SILENCE! - ...THAT YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND!

LISTEN TO ME AND DO AS I SAY.

YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT!

SPENGO THINKS THIS IS A LOVE POTION, BUT I'VE REPLACED IT WITH WATER.

WHEN INJECTED YOU MUST ACT AS THOUGH YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HIM.

OH!

AFTER THE WEDDING, I'LL SEARCH THE DESERT FOR YOUR HUSBAND.

- MY HUSBAND'S DEAD, THANK YOU! - SILENCE!

I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE HE EJECTED FROM HIS SHIP.

YOU MEAN... HE'S ALIVE?

Afir: PERHAPS.

AND IF HE IS,

HE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SAVE THIS PLANET

FROM SPENGO'S MISGUIDED TYRANNY.

MISGUIDED?

BEFORE I CAME TO POWER WAS THERE A FORTRESS?

WAS THERE A MAGNO BEAM?

WAS THERE A DEATH RAY? NO.

THIS PLANET WAS NOTHING.

IT WAS A COSMIC ZERO.

NOW, STARTING TOMORROW, WE WILL RULE THE UNIVERSE.

YOU.

YOU WILL BECOME MY QUEEN.

I'LL NEVER LOVE YOU, YOU CREEP!

YES, YOU WILL.

OH.

OH, TOD.

MARRY ME, NOW.

AND AS FOR YOU,

DEATH IS TOO GOOD FOR A TRAITOR.

AFTER THE WEDDING WE WILL TAKE YOU TO THE COMMAND CENTER,

AND WE WILL INSERT YOU INTO THE DEATH RAY.

WE WILL WATCH YOU DIE AS WE WATCH EARTH DIE.

SO...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME NOW, AFIR?

I THINK YOU'RE A SMALL, PATHETIC,

INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE CRETIN.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME NOW?

( birds tweeting )

OH...

TOD.

I LOVE YOU. MARRY ME?

NO, SORRY. MARRYING MARGE.

TAKE HIM AWAY.

- ( Afir grunts ) - TRAITOR!

TRAITOR!

OH, TOD, YOU'RE SUCH A BRAVE MAN.

WHEN CAN WE GO AWAY TOGETHER?

SHORTLY, MY LOVE.

THE SECOND WE ARE WED,

WE'LL BOARD MY PRIVATE ROCKET,

AND I'LL WH--

I'LL WHISK YOU AWAY

TO MY PRIVATE MOON, LITTLE DOT,

AND THERE WE WILL ENJOY CONJUGAL BLISS

AS WE WATCH YOUR EX-PLANET BEING DESTROYED.

UNTIL THEN...

( gags )

ACK! AHEM. AH!

YOU'RE WELCOME!

PINHEAD.

SEND A PLATOON INTO THE DESERT.

FIND THE EARTH-DICK AND EXECUTE HIM AT ONCE!

YES, LORD TOD!

( dramatic music playing )

THE DEATH CART! THE DEATH CART IS COMING!

THE DEATH CART IS COMING! ( echoes )

THIS IS IT! PREPARE TO LEAVE!

THAT'S, UH...

GOOD! THAT'S GOOD.

LET'S HOPE THESE PEOPLE ARE EXTREMELY STUPID.

( soldiers grunting )

LOOKS LIKE WE CAUGHT THEM SLEEPING.

CAPTAIN, LOOK.

MOVE OUT!

( all yelling )

OH MY GOD! CAPTAIN!

THE EARTH MAN HAS A LIGHT GRENADE FOR A HEAD!

WHAT? OVER HERE! HURRY!

- WHAT!? - LOOK!

HE HAS A LIGHT GRENADE-- ( screams )

IDIOT!

CAREFUL, MEN, THERE'S A LIGHT GRENADE ON THE GROUND.

- WHERE? WHERE? - ON THE GROUND?

- SHOW US, SIR. - WHERE?

RIGHT HERE! ( scream echoes )

I'M NOT GOING NEAR IT. NO, NOT ME.

SO, EARTH-DICK, DO YOU THINK

- THIS PLAN WILL WORK? - IF I GOT THIS GUY SPENGO FIGURED OUT,

I THINK IT MIGHT.

( people chatting )

- Man: FASTER, FASTER! - Man #2: MOVE IT!

Man: FASTER, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!

- Man #3: WATCH OUT, HUGE ROCK! - Man #4: BIG ROCK!

HO, WHOA!

"PICK ME UP."

( screams )

I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME REINFORCEMENTS OUT HERE.

( radio squawks )

Chorus: ♪ TOD, TOD, TOD, TOD ♪

- ♪ TOD, TOD, TOD, TOD... ♪ - ♪ TODAY MARGE NELSON ♪

♪ BECOMES MARGE SPENGO ♪

♪ AND ALL ACROSS THE PLANET ♪

♪ ALL HEARTS WILL DO THE TANGO ♪

♪ TOD, TOD, TOD, TOD ♪

- ♪ TOD, TOD, TOD ♪ - ♪ AND MARGE. ♪

( festive music playing )

OH.

Bulldogs: OOH.

HELLO, MY SWEET.

( clears throat )

DEAR FRIENDS, TODAY OUR BOLD AND NOBLE EMPEROR TOD

- IS@(O BE WED-- - ALL RIGHT, HURRY UP. HURRY IT UP!

IN CONCLUSION, DO YOU, TOD SPENGO, TAKE MARGE NELSON

- TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE? - OF COURSE I DO, FOOL!

AND DO YOU, MARGE NELSON, TAKE TOD SPENGO

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?

( chuckles )

WELL, UM... I, UH--

I-- I-- I--

( knocking )

( guests murmuring )

( knocking continues )

WELL, SEE WHO IT IS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S THE EMPEROR'S WEDDING DAY?

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT... ( whispering )

BIG... GIANT... STATUE!

Tod: WHO IS IT?

THERE'S A STATUE AT THE FRONT GATE, LORD TOD!

WHAT KIND OF STATUE?

A STATUE OF YOU, LORD TOD!

OH.

EXCUSE ME, MY DEAR.

DOORS!

OH, GOD.

YOU IDIOT! YOU FOOL!

CAN'T YOU SEE? THIS IS A TRICK.

( gasps )

THIS STATUE DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE ME.

I MEAN, I--

I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH FAT AROUND MY FACE.

- WELL, DO I? - HUH-UH.

WELL, THEN WHAT DID YOU BRING ME OUT HERE FO--

OOH!

WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE.

BRING IT IN, BRING IT IN!

LET EVERYONE SEE HOW MUCH IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ME!

( guests murmuring )

HELLO?

LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES MORE HANDSOME THAN THAT.

NO, LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES MORE HANDSOME.

I MEAN, DO I LOOK LIKE THIS?

- OH, NO, LORD TOD. - OH, CARRY ON, YOU FOOL.

Tod: COME ON!

OKAY, IS THE TRAP DOOR READY?

YES, IT HAS BEEN SEALED FIRMLY SHUT, GREAT DICK.

SEALED?

DRADAI HAS SEALED IT SO THAT NO MAN MAY OPEN IT.

I'M LIKE A MILLION TIMES MORE HANDSOME THAN THAT.

- ( creaking ) - ( guests clamoring )

( guests screaming )

DICK!

- SPENGO! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HEAD?

THAT'S MY WOMAN!

- DICK! - KILL HIM!

( yells ) MARGE IS MINE!

- MARGE! - DICK! HELP! HELP!

BUT DON'T HURT YOURSELF!

- VAVOOM! - Man: VAVOOM!

TOD, YOU ARE THE RUDEST, MOST THOUGHTLESS, IMMATURE,

- INCONSIDERATE, SPOILED, CHILDISH, PIG-HEADED... - ( Dick roaring )

( grunts )

SEMAGE?

- SIBOR! - AH!

...UNPLEASANT, MOST MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A MAN I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!

AH! OW.

AH!

IN 100 SPENGO-SECONDS, MARGE NELSON,

YOUR PLANET WILL BE NO MORE.

AND AS FOR YOU, AFIR, GOODBYE.

TOO BAD OUR FRIENDSHIP HAD TO END WITH A LASER

THROUGH YOUR BELLY!

( Tod laughing )

NO!

( grunting )

HOLD IT, SPENGO!

- HUH? - DICK!

THAT'S MY WIFE YOU'VE GOT THERE,

THAT'S MY PLANET YOU'RE BLOWING UP, AND THAT'S--

THAT'S JUST SOME GUY I MET, BUT STILL,

I THINK THIS THING HAS GONE JUST A LITTLE TOO FAR!

( yelling )

DICK! DICK, HE'S CRAZY.

HE'S GONNA BLOW UP THE EARTH.

STEPHANIE, ALAN! SALTY.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. - DICK, WATCH OUT!

- ( screams ) - WHOA!

( electricity sparking )

- ( grunts ) - EAT STEEL, EARTH MAN!

UH-OH.

( growls ) WHOA!

OH, A FIGHTER! TOUCHé!

DON'T-- DON-- DON'T!

- OW! - AH! OOH.

I MEANT TO MISS!

( swords clanking )

( both snarling )

OKAY. HEY, L-LET'S REST.

AH. YEAH, YEAH.

Tod: ALL RIGHT, LET GO. LET... GO! LET GO!

( laughs )

GOODBYE, DICK NELSON.

- OH, TOD. - MARGE?

( screaming )

( grunting )

SPENGO, THIS TIME YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG EARTH MAN!

OH, MY TOOTH! YOU CHIPPED MY TOOTH, YOU IDIOT!

( screaming )

- I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU TOO.

( muffled yelling )

Both: THE DEATH RAY!

( rumbling )

( sputters )

( both sigh )

( Tod screams, splashes )

- Tod: OOH! OW. - ( coos )

OH, FINE.

YOU INVITE PEOPLE TO YOUR PLANET, AND THIS IS HOW THEY TREAT YOU.

( chattering )

( both cooing )

STAY WITH US, GOOD DICK AND MARGE.

YES, STAY WITH US, PLEASE.

OH, WE REALLY HAVE TO GO NOW.

YEAH, I HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW.

I HAVE REVERSED THE POLARITY ON THE MAGNO BEAM.

IT SHOULD RETURN YOU SAFELY AND IN HASTE.

I JUST SAID "I HAVE REVERSED THE POLARITY ON THE MAGNO BEAM.

IT SHOULD RETURN YOU SAFELY AND IN HASTE"!

THEREFORE, YOU MAY GO.

GOOD DICK AND MARGE, YOU HAVE SAVED OUR WORLD AS WELL AS YOUR OWN.

- ( grunts ) - FOREVER, THANK YOU.

GOODBYE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

AND I'LL NEVER MAKE THAT TUNA CASSEROLE AGAIN.

BYE. COME ON, MARGIE, WE GOTTA GO.

- Dick: BYE, ALL. - Marge: BYE.

- WHOA! - HERE WE GO!

- Dick: BYE-BYE. - Marge: GOODBYE, EVERYONE.

- Sirk: THANK YOU! - Dick: YEAH, YEAH.

- Sirk: THANK YOU, EARTH-DICK. - Marge: GOODBYE, AFIR.

DON'T FORGET TO WRITE.

- Sirk: YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A REBEL. - BYE!

OKAY, SAY CHEESE!

- THANK YOU. - Marge: BYE!

( dramatic music playing )

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DICK.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MARGE.

OH, HANG ON, MARGIE.

IT TURNED OUT TO BE A PRETTY NICE TRIP AFTER ALL, DIDN'T IT?

YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, IT WAS.

( both screaming )

( tires screeching )

YOU OKAY?

- YOU? - EH.

THE SHOCKS ARE PROBABLY SHOT.

THE OLD OJAI HIGHWAY.

( rattles, squealing )

( honks )

WELCOME HOME! HA-- WHA?

( engine backfires )

- HI, KIDS. - WE'RE BACK.

( slide projector clicks )

Marge: OH! THERE'S YOUR DAD IN FRONT OF SATURN!

Dick: I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THAT FLASH, MARGIE.

OH, LOOK, IT'S THAT NICE YOUNG BLAAATTT.

THERE'S THE GIRLS.

REMIND ME, I PROMISED I'D WRITE THEM WHEN I GOT BACK.

- THIS IS SANTA BARBARA? - WELL, YEAH.

AND A BIT NORTH.

GENIUS.

OOH! OH!

TO OUR TRIP.

TO OUR ANNIVERSARY.

TO THE FUTURE.

OH, DICK, WE REALLY SHOULDN'T.

OH! OH, EARTH-DICK.

( dramatic music playing )