Original subtitles

[Birds tweeting]

[Heavy breathing]

- Is this good? - No.

- Sorry. Lower? - Yeah, yes.

- Good, good. - Okay.

This is awesome.

[Breathing heavily]

- You can come if you want to. - Okay, I'm about to.

- Good. - Are you gonna come?

- Eh... [Fly buzzes]

Did you hear that? - Huh?

- Like a woodland creature pitter patter?

Okay, the plan is to have sex in the woods.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay. Are you okay?

- Yeah. Mm-hmm. - You sure?

Because I kind of feel like maybe you're not into it.

- Oh! Oh! - Oh, my God.

- I fell. I'm sorry. A bug. - What is it?

- Sorry. - Okay.

A spider.

I'm sorry. [Sighs]

No, it's okay. It's cool.

I'm not a woodland person.

[Kiss] Okay.

Do you want me to help you finish or...

No, I... my parents.

- Okay. - Let's get in the car.

Lights, trash, door.

Traffic's gonna be a nightmare.

Bye, house, see you next summer.

What did you put in these bags?

I have no idea.

It's like dead bodies.

Here and here. Up front, please.

Pat, can I help with anything?

Ali, Ali, Ali, no. No, no, no!

- No. - I rode bitch here.

- Okay - Okay?

No, and you can ride it back.

- I don't want to. - Well...

Guys, I can sit in the middle.

Hit it.

All: ♪ Bring me a higher love

♪ Oh, oh

♪ Bring me a higher love Oh, oh ♪

♪ Break me a higher love

- Oh, Dana. - Do it.

- It's "bring." - What?

- "Bring."

- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.

"Break me a higher love" like...

Like you... like you have to break me

if you want me to love like on such a high plain.

Alan, is it bring or break?

Ben's right, sweetie. "Bring."

♪ Break...

Ali, I revised the Michigan app.

So do you want to talk through the comments with me or...

Not really because I don't want to go there.

Honey, you need to cast a wide net.

Yeah, I'm sorry my future is so stressful for you,

but I'm not applying there.

I didn't say it was stressful.

Guys, you really need to get a grip, okay?

Because Ali doesn't want to go anywhere

unless everybody wears berets

and all they all smoke clove cigarettes

and they all make their own hummus

but they eat it out of Frisbees.

I can see your boyfriend's come stain.

- Ali! - Shut up!

God.

It's her fiancée.

You can see her fiancée's come stain.

God, it smells like

a K.D. Lang concert down there.

- Shut up! Shut up! - Fuck you.

- Shut up! - Take a chill pill, please?

Fuck you!

It's not new for me to be able to say swears.

- Slow down, sweetie. - Hey, guys, relax.

♪ Bring me a higher love

♪ Oh yeah

♪ A higher love

♪ Higher, higher, higher

♪ Bring me a higher love

[Muted TV sounds]

Have yourself a dental dam.

But, of course, I'm going to be using this later

so I don't want to ruin this later.

Suck my dick.

Kim Deal's my hero. Whatever.

[Knocking]

School starts in eight hours.

Okay, give me seven seconds.

It's after midnight.

I'm getting off.

Good night, Jed.

No, I think she has a crush on you.

Ali.

Okay, good night. [Laughs]

Jed speaks. What was he saying?

I don't know. Butt stuff.

[Laughs] Oh, I love you, good night.

[Door shuts]

Love you.

[Traffic sounds]

Thank you.

This is for you.

Great belt.

Oh, I think I'm getting a rash.

You got to stop touching that.

So, is this guy you're seeing, is this the...

[Flutters lips] What do you call it?

Smash slam poetry?

Ew, no, no. No, I broke up with him.

No, this guy is a performance artist.

- Oh. - Major upgrade.

We ended up drinking on his roof

and having one of those epic conversations

until the sun comes up, you know the kind?

Ben and I spent three hours at Blockbuster.

And, uh, we got "Curly Sue."

Sexual.

It's a good film.

[Laughs] In fact, it's really funny.

[Laughs]

♪ Mr. Rubicky

♪ Has got a very small dicky ♪

[Both laugh]

[Giggles]

♪ He lost it in his car ♪

♪ His dick has traveled so far ♪

[Both giggle]

♪ Go and kick him in the nuts ♪

♪ He's a motherfucking putz

Mm-hmm.

That's... that's it. That's all I have.

That was the best song ever.

Do you have any perfume?

My mom's like a drug-sniffing dog.

Perfume. I don't think dudes wear...

Like, some of that man spray.

- This stuff. - Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

- Here we go. - Okay. Spray me.

Oh, okay. Right.

[Spraying]

Whoa, that's a lot.

[Laughs] I didn't want a lot.

Hi.

Hey, there.

- Oh. - Floor, please.

What is that? You got schmutz all over here.

What is that?

Did you parallel park yet?

I'm very good at it,

so it should be a cinch for you.

Smells good.

Don't get too excited. It's leftovers.

[Sighs]

You know, when kids in my class wore shoes like this

it meant they had polio.

Yes, they do look a little corrective.

What did you do today?

- Crack. - You know what I did?

I wrote beautiful copy for fake Oreos.

- [Laughs] - Anyone for a Yum Yum?

Aw, yeah.

Honey, that stuff will give you cancer.

Guess what?

George offered to host a reading

of my play at his house.

That's great, honey.

Plenty of booze, no food,

a bunch of self-righteous Upper West Siders.

Hey, has anyone spoken to Dana this week?

There is a sale at Kleinfeld's.

Did they pick a date?

Because I bet it's my birthday.

No, not yet.

I was hoping the dress would sort of get her excited.

So you'll come to the reading then?

I don't know, are you inviting me?

I want the whole family.

You, Ali, me, Ben, and...

you know, what's her face, the one with the D.

- Yes, Dana. - Douchebag.

Her name is not douchebag.

That's too German. Douchebag.

Dana Douchebag.

[Muted chatter]

[Water spraying]

Okay, switch.

Okay, I need to wash.

Okay, hold on. Wait a second.

- What? - What is that?

- What? - Right there, that rash.

[Gasps] Oh my God. Come on!

Sorry, sorry. It's on your arm too.

Oh, I've been itching all week.

[Garbled mumbling]

I think you might have poison ivy.

What?

- Excuse me. - What?

How did I get poison ivy?

- That was a joint decision. - You gave me poison ivy.

It's probably in my vagina.

You want me to look?

No! Geez.

Oh, I should probably pee on you.

[Laughs]

That move is for jellyfish. I'm not stupid.

No, it's for poison ivy too.

- [Laughs] - I think it is.

You want to pee on me? [Laughs]

Here we go, here we go.

- No! We just have... - Shh!

- Are you doing it? - Just quiet down.

- All right, do it, do it. - I can't pee on command.

Do it before I change my mind. Do it, do it.

- Listen, okay, there it is. - Oh my God.

- You want me to stop. - No.

- No? - I like it.

[Sitar music]

He was touring with the Grateful Dead

for, like, many months.

So I don't even know what this place is or...

He wasn't touring. He was following them.

He probably has lice.

Making grilled cheese sandwiches in the parking lot.

[Gasps]

- Hey, Ravi! - Oh my God.

Oh my God. Look at you.

Look at me? Look at you.

You're back. Aw.

Embrace me, brother. Embrace me.

You get a head hug too.

Hi, I'm Ben.

What's your--what's your name?

This is... this is Table.

Table?

Off the bat, she's taken a vow of silence.

- Oh, okay. That makes sense. - Wow.

Just in time for the party.

Dude, we got to catch up.

Yeah, yeah, let's catch up.

- You good? - Yeah.

- Okay. - She's so good.

- Hurry. - Okay.

- Let's go, let's go. - Benjamin.

- Look at this. - Benjamin.

Guys, make room for Table as well.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Sitar music plays]

Did you see what Ravi's new look is?

[Laughs] I think he sews it himself.

Can you imagine the Ravi we knew in college...

Yeah. It's different.

Looking into the future and seeing this?

I know. Well, I guess it's...

the influence of, you know, Mrs. Table, yeah.

He's soon to be, Mr. Table. [Laughs]

- Yeah. Hey, good for him. - It's really sweet.

I'm still looking for my Table.

- [Laughs] - I really am though.

This girl I was just with

showed up to a date wearing a ski mask.

- [Laughs] - Serious.

She said she wanted to know my personality

before I knew her face.

Was she... a normal person?

She was kind of a mean drunk.

[Both laugh]

[Snorts]

I'm really happy to see that you never kicked your snort.

I don't want to talk about it.

This one made it on a foot loom.

It was slamming.

She made all of them.

Dowels, we made like a thousand dowels.

What is that?

[Laughs] It's an engagement ring.

You finally did it.

[Sighs]

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

[Soft music]

♪

[Door slams]

[Thumping electronic music playing]

♪

Come with me.

I'm going to go with Sophie.

That's so whack.

It will help me study.

[Indistinct chatter]

That's not coke.

I know, it's H.

Holy shit.

Are we really just going to do this right now?

I did it with Danny last week.

It's really not scary.

It's like climbing back into the womb.

You won't even have to do that much.

[Sniffs]

Call my mom if I die.

[Sniffs]

[Sniffs]

[Sighs]

[Thumping music]

[Exhales]

[Sniffs]

[Sipping]

[Soft music]

[Shuffling disks]

♪

[Electric whirring]

What?

[Clicking mouse]

♪

[Clicking mouse]

[Clicking mouse]

[Gasps]

[Whispers] What the fuck?

[Clicking mouse]

♪

Holy fuck, Dad.

[Clicking]

[Dot matrix printer printing]

In celebration of the contributions

women make in every aspect...

Ah, gotcha.

Doesn't that hurt?

This from the guy who's gonna row over his own balls.

As mothers, wives, sisters, daughters...

Wow, I love that suit.

Traffic is gonna be a nightmare.

We better leave soon.

I thought we were going to talk to Ali?

Can we talk tonight?

She's not going clubbing in the middle of the day.

She went out again last night.

I saw her pile of clothes when I took out the trash.

Detective Pat.

God forbid she'd dislike you for five seconds.

This is not me leaving you to be bad cop, all right?

Bad cop. I'm barely a crossing guard.

All right, I really will talk to her tonight.

I promise.

What do you think?

Two weeks no phone?

And that includes Jed.

You know the boy's name.

- Uh-huh. - Hmm.

No.

What are you, a mime?

Yes, I studied in France.

Actually, I'm a crossing guard,

and you can't pass without paying the toll.

[Kissing]

We may help bring new dignity and respect...

That is a nice suit.

[Knocking] You up?

Bullshit.

[Muted traffic noise]

♪

[Siren wailing in distance]

McCann Erickson?

[British accent] Mr. Jacobs, please?

May I ask who's calling?

Tell him it's C.

Please hold.

Yeah, I'll hold.

♪

We all know what we're breathing.

Whether or not he knows that it's the same air

that jackass Giuliani is breathing.

[Laughter]

He's pouring all his money

into the police department.

Meanwhile, the rest of us

need to fight for a different kind of enforcement.

Pat?

Solid Waste Disposal reforms is pushing to 3 p.m.

- Okay. - Grannis is on line two.

And Congressman Hinchey just called

about the cement plants again.

Okay.

Also, Iris from Dalton called.

Alexandra hasn't signed in yet.

Uh, Alexandra has the flu.

[Sighs] Again? Try ginseng.

I don't know that is. I'll take Grannis now.

[Traffic sounds]

Thanks. Bye.

[Coins jingling]

[Coin clunking]

[Clicking]

You have four messages.

[Beep] Dana, it's Laura.

You haven't gotten back to me about book club.

You said you were bringing the mahjong tiles.

[Beep] Hey, babe.

I'm going to be home late.

I'm having some drinks with some work peeps tonight.

Can you grab some toilet paper?

[Beep]

Hi, this message is for Dana Jacobs.

This is Samuel from the Water Club.

If you're still interested in having your wedding here,

please call me back at... [Beep]

Hi, Dana, it's Mom.

There is a sale at Kleinfeld's this weekend.

Ugh! [Coin drops]

[Sighs]

[Coins jingle]

[Coin drops]

Hi, this is Dana calling.

I just wanted to relay a message to Kim and David

that I'm not going to be able

to make the staffing meeting today.

I've eaten something wrong. [Laughs]

At lunch, and I just feel like I need to be near

my own restroom.

Dana Jacobs.

I do our layout. [Laughs]

Yeah. [Groans]

[Coin drops]

[Muted rock music playing]

[Cash register beeping]

[Clicks]

[World music plays]

[Man singing in foreign language]

♪

[Muted world music]

[Shrieks] Oh, no.

[Laughs]

[Laughs] Whatever.

It's okay.

Your secret's safe with me.

I won't tell anyone

you dance to world music.

I'm not ashamed.

I think it's good to like music from our world.

[Laughs]

Sorry, you had a little hairball.

[Laughs]

Where's, um...

Uh?

- Ben? - Ben, where's Ben?

He's at work.

What? Can nobody hang out alone anymore?

I feel deeply alone at all times.

I say accept it.

This is my first day alone

since, I don't know, 1982,

and I am really digging in.

First, I'm doing this, and then I'm gonna skip dinner.

I'm going to go to Serendipity,

get a frozen hot chocolate,

eat it all by myself and then...

Want to get a bite to eat?

With you?

[Rock music playing]

Oh. You just had that on hand?

It's cool.

The cops raided this place last night.

So we're safe tonight.

Oh, you know what, I have a job to get to.

I'm kidding. Jesus, sit down and smoke this.

It's on fire. [Sighs]

[Embers crackle]

So, do you have any more tales

from the dating front?

Uh, last week a girl

asked if she could strangle me.

[Spits]

Well done.

Don't look over here. Oh!

I think you got the musician.

I would say we'd get kicked out,

but nobody here cares about anything.

[Laughs violently]

Yeah, you know...

All I really want is a nice Jewish Italian girl

who just wants to sit on the couch with me.

Watch "Mad About You."

[Laughs]

Yeah, well, Helen Hunt has really perfected

the frontal wedgie.

So, tune in for that. [Giggles]

I wonder where Helen's vagina is.

Just kidding.

We can all see it in prime time.

Yeah. [Laughs]

How about you and Ben?

You guys watch a lot of Must-See TV together?

Yeah. [Laughs nervously]

Sounds really nice.

Oh, save it. You don't have to say that.

I'm being serious.

Yeah, it's nice. It's very good.

It's good. We... you know.

It's very totally good.

We just brush our teeth, and we take our clothes off,

and we get into bed,

and, if he reaches for the candle,

I know that we're going to have sex to the 11:00 movie.

That's really rude.

That's not even what I mean.

That's a real asshole remark to make, Dana.

[Clears throat]

[Exhales]

They really got the heater on in here, right?

[Burps]

Oh my goodness. [Laughs]

[Sipping]

How you feeling?

Mmm, mmm.

Mellowing out a little?

[Both laugh]

You know, I think that the last we got stoned together

was... in your dorm room.

I remember that, I think.

Yeah?

Yeah.

We had a four-hour conversation about dinosaurs.

[Laughs]

And I then I think some clothes came off.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

So fun. I should go home.

- Yeah, okay. - Whoa.

[Laughs] You okay?

Yeah.

I should get a cab.

Okay, go ahead.

[Sighs]

Shit.

[Moans]

[Moans]

Uh, oh my God.

[Muted talk show chatter]

You came from Second City, didn't you?

- Mm-hmm. - Were you in the main company?

- Main stage. - Hey.

I have to pee so bad.

I'm reading Hammacher Schlemmer.

They're advertising the world's fastest razor blade.

There's an inversion machine and a lot of luggage.

- Babe? - Hmm?

[Gags, spits]

Are you okay?

I'm going to the bathroom.

No fucking way. KGB surveillance binoculars?

What the fuck?

Kitten Toe!

You can buy as many as you want.

You can hook 'em up to form a kitten village.

You can build your own kitten village.

Babe, there's some his and hers trench coats in here.

It says that they're packable.

I don't know what's different about that

than regular trench coats,

but whatever.

She we go stone or pale putty?

Pale putty.

This is fucking awesome.

[Whispers] Oh, my God.

[Rock music]

[Indistinct chatter]

♪

♪ Now it feels like I'm on fire ♪

♪ It's burning low

[Muted radio]

[Knocking]

Incoming.

[Shuts radio off] Looks like Chernobyl in here.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

So you want to tell me why I'm getting calls from school

asking where you are?

Or should I tell you what I think I know?

- Cool choices. - Hey.

You tell us you did well on the Vonnegut essay.

Meanwhile, I see you got an 83.

- You went through my stuff? - Didn't go through your stuff.

It was on your desk.

Well, what's an 83, like, like a B?

Yeah!

God, it's a good grade. You freak.

Your mom is trying to say that you're smarter than a B.

But dumb enough to leave enough clubbing clothes

in the stairwell.

Not entirely your fault.

We did take you to Studio 54 in utero.

[Laughs]

You want to tell her about the Quaaludes?

Okay. You got me.

I got a B, and I have a life.

You're real fucking detectives.

Don't you fucking detective me.

- You wanna know what I think? - Both: No.

I think we should just let her get a B.

Let her sneak out. Hopefully, she'll get mugged.

Most people learn from failure.

Wow. Well, you would know.

You're the king.

No wonder he hates you.

- What? - Excuse me?

You're reckless.

And grounded.

Both of you are so fucked!

Stop cursing!

Just stop it for once, Ali.

Just get out!

Should of just done it myself.

I was alone in there anyway.

[Phone rings]

Hey.

There's a 6:44.

Just meet me there now.

[Slamming phone]

[Clattering]

[Sighs]

[Distant footsteps]

[Door opening]

[Door slams]

Great, she's going out to get mugged.

[Sighs] No one's getting mugged.

She's too scary.

[Muted announcements over loudspeaker]

[Train clattering]

[Crickets chirp] [Distant train horn]

You have to be really quiet, okay.

[Sighs]

[Keys jingling]

Oh, fuck.

Uh!

[Reggae music plays]

[Kissing]

Did you bring condoms this time?

Yeah, should I get 'em now?

Yeah. [Laughs]

[Zipping]

Should I put it on now?

[Siren blaring in distance]

[Reggae music plays]

[Heavy breathing]

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

Is the CD skipping?

I don't think so.

Dude, it's totally skipping.

[Music stuck on loop]

Oh, are you fucking kidding me?

That's embarrassing.

[Clunking]

[Laughter, music continues]

- Nice shot. - Thanks.

[Dramatic music plays on TV]

Mind you have work to do.

You hear that?

[Distant rustling]

It's probably a bear.

Probably a bear?

[Snickers] You're such a city kid.

There's a bear outside?

They can't open doors, can they?

How do you know that?

[Tense TV music]

[Thudding] All right.

[Exhales]

[Door squeaks]

- Ah! - Ah! Ah!

- [screaming] - Dana! Dana!

[hysterical screaming]

- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?

I asked you first.

- [Exhales] - I'm Jed.

Okay. [Flutters lips]

Can you not tell Mom I'm here, please?

No, obviously I'm going to tell Mom that you were here.

God, you're like a tattle-tail. You bitch!

Actually, I'm an adult

who was coming for a quiet weekend in the country

and found her home invaded,

and, yeah, I'm gonna tell mom that you were here

in your underwear.

With...

- Jed. - Jed.

[Laughs]

And both of you need to leave right now.

No! What... you leave. We were here first.

You are such an irritant!

You're a little piece of toilet paper

that gets stuck to somebody's shoe.

You're like the embodiment of constipation, okay.

[scoffs] Okay.

[Laughs] All right, great.

You can stay. Fine.

But he needs to leave.

And you can take him to the train station

because you have your learner's permit.

No, I can't because I need a parent to be in the car.

Oh, please stop Frenching in front of me.

Stop Frenching in front of me.

[Kissing]

Why don't you just come back with me?

I think my sister might be having a nervous breakdown.

[10,000 Maniacs' "Like the Weather" plays]

I need to make sure she doesn't tell my mom.

[Distant train horn]

[Car horn beeps]

Is your drug store underwear that deep up your ass?

♪

What?

See you later.

[Sighs]

♪ But by the force of will My lungs are filled ♪

♪ And so I breathe

[Sniffs]

♪ Lately it seems this big bed is where... ♪

Is he your boyfriend?

Not really.

Do you guys have sex?

Yeah.

Oh.

[Sighs]

So, Mom has no idea where you are?

Does Ben know where you are?

Well, that's different

because Ben is not my mom.

I'm here because I needed to get away,

and you're a child.

You know, and you ran away from home, and that's...

I did not run away from home.

I went to our family's country house.

How much more vanilla can that scenario get?

♪ Shiver in my bones just thinking... ♪

Look at us having sister time.

Are you going to, like, try and braid my hair later?

Do you want to go swimming?

♪ What a cold and rainy day ♪

[Splashing]

[Both scream]

[Laughs]

This is the best sports drink I've ever had.

That's because it's Whiskey Mountain Dew.

It's because it's what?

It's Whiskey Mountain Dew.

[Laughs]

Whoo! Hoo!

[Laughs]

Did I do that?

Three Mississippi, four.

You think you could ever be a synchronized swimmer?

Do everything that I do.

[Laughs]

I could definitely do this.

Can you do that? [Splashes]

Can you not, please?

Big splash. Stop!

[Splashing]

Ow! Stop! Stop!

Ow, God! What's your problem?

Why do you play so rough?

God, calm down.

Seriously, why do you have to go so hard at everything?

You ruin everything.

Fuck you, cunt.

- [Groans] - Sorry.

Ali!

[Inhales]

Ali.

[Bubbling]

Ali!

Stop! [Splashes]

Stop! I don't like horse play.

I don't like pranks. I don't like this.

I don't like it.

[Exhales]

Dad's having an affair.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, wait till you get to April.

He had a haiku phase.

Why does he sometimes refer to himself

as "her Pillsbury Dough Boy"?

Oh, it's because he calls his dick "dough."

- Oh, Jesus. God. - Yeah.

Just broke my brain.

Fucking... I hate him. Okay, I hate him.

- You don't hate him. - I do though.

- You don't. - Why should I not?

I don't think that...

we should say anything to Mom

until we know what this is.

If I were Mom, I would chop off that dough

Loretta Bobbitt style.

It's not... it's Lorena.

I got a strong feeling that he's in love with someone else.

She cut off an entire penis. You should say her name right.

I can tell that he's in love with someone else.

I think she threw it out a window as well.

And he doesn't even have to be fucking her.

What's going on is that he's emotionally cheating on Mom.

You watch way too much Oprah.

"Emotionally cheating."

And maybe it's just a fantasy,

Which... [Flutters lips]

to be honest is totally healthy.

It's just, you know, a totally healthy thing

to have--to have fantasies.

[Sighs]

[Clicking]

♪ I lost my heart

♪ Under the bridge

♪ To that little girl

♪ So much to leave

♪ Do, do-do-do

- Look what I found. - Oh, my God.

In mother's wardrobe.

Looks so good!

Wow!

♪ Never know Just what I found ♪

I have something to say.

I have something that I feel that...

if I don't share it...

it will stay inside of me

and start to eat me alive.

Please, say it.

[Sighs]

[Groans]

I slept with somebody, and it is not Ben.

- Ow. - What?

- I know, I know. - Whoa.

- I really...liked it. - Oh.

My body, like, really responds.

Ugh.

[Stutters]

We're just like a family of cheaters.

I just have to get it out.

I just have to say "I'm Dana,

"and I'm a cheater,

and I'm a Mountain Dew drinker."

Yeah, and you're a come guzzler.

[Flutters lips] Sold.

Okay.

Thanks for telling me.

I just think maybe this is a sign

that there's somebody else that I'm supposed to be,

that it's trying to get out of me.

Okay, yeah. Okay.

What's her name?

[Clicking]

[Stacey Q's "Two of Hearts" playing]

Ba...delia.

Badelia?

And I'll tell you what.

Badelia's very fun to be.

A lot of people don't get to be Badelia.

Badelia is a little bit wicked.

- Uh-huh. - She's wild.

She makes her own choices.

And Badelia has secrets,

and secrets can be rather fun.

You know what else?

- Double triple lunge! - Oh!

Mikhail Baryshnikov.

♪ Two of hearts I need you, I need you ♪

I like dancing.

I don't think I've ever

danced with you before.

It's really nice to hear you

say yes instead of no.

No! [Laughs]

♪ Come on, come on

[Distant vacuuming] Anyone home?

Mom?

- Mom? - Mom?

- Oh, Jesus. - Sorry.

I love you.

I love you.

And I love you too. What's going on here?

I love you. I just wanted you to know.

And I love everything you do.

Busting dust.

Where's Dad?

He's at his writing workshop.

I called Sophie's mom.

Do you want to tell me where you really were?

Oh, she was at my place.

Ali!

Sorry I scared you.

[Exhales]

What is that? Laundry?

Oh, I was actually hoping to crash here

for a few days, if that's possible.

If you have room.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

What about you?

How long do you plan on staying?

Uh, until I'm 40.

All right, that works for me.

Thanks for bringing this stuff.

I'm just so surprised.

Are you okay?

[Sighs] Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just crazy.

Your dad doesn't seem like the type to have a mistress.

He seems like... don't take this the wrong way...

but, like, too pussy to cheat.

What did you say?

What?

What?

- Say "pussy" again. - Oh my God.

- Say it. - Umm...

Aren't you supposed to be at work right now?

I called in sick.

[Kissing] This is nice.

You can bite me if you want.

- You want to bite me? - Oh. No.

- Do you? - Oh God.

Does anybody... oh my God. Is anybody here?

[Breathing heavily] Okay.

Tell me how good my pussy feels.

- Tell me. - Huh?

Tell me how good my pussy feels.

Oh my God, I don't want to.

- Do it. - It feels great.

- It feels great. - Say it.

Why are you barking at me?

What do you want? Tell me how it feels on your dick.

Tell me how my pussy feels on your dick.

If I told you to tell me how good my dick felt in your mouth,

you'd call 911.

Okay. Let's call the police.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

[Sighs]

What's happening?

[Scoffs] Well, we were fucking,

and then you ruined it.

[Grunts]

Okay. [Sighs]

You can't even say "pussy" to me?

I can say it.

I asked you to say it, and you didn't say it.

- Just not all the time. - No, it's not all the time.

I asked you to say it one time,

and if mine is the only one you're ever going to see

then you need to figure out how to say the word "pussy" to me!

[Laughs]

What's happening right now?

[Sighs]

Ow. Ow!

- Ow. Ow! - Sorry.

You know I would never write erotic poetry

to another woman.

Because I can't read or write.

That's not funny.

Okay, sorry.

I'm just trying to tell you

that I would never cheat on you.

If that's what you're worried about,

I'm here, and if you want to talk or you don't want to talk

or you want to keep saying "pussy" over and over

until it gets weird we can do that too.

Can you hand me those jeans?

Um, when are you coming home?

I just want to be here for Ali right now, okay.

She needs me.

So, I'm going to stay here for a few days.

And I'll call you tonight.

[Traffic noise]

He accepted the German terms.

Oh!

But after the unconditional surrender,

the Nazis bombed the city anyway.

[Explosions onscreen]

[Sighs] You okay?

Yeah. [Laughs]

[Sips]

Ooh!

[Explosions onscreen]

You can't deny that there's a lot of energy

and confidence behind that.

They knew how to sing too. [Laughs]

No, don't do that. Don't do that.

- What's wrong? - What?

- Why? - Because we're not...

Somebody could see that.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

You're worried about the matinee crowd in here?

These guys?

What's... what's the matter?

I'm sorry.

I was supposed to see that movie with Ben.

He likes Nazi stuff.

Well, you should go again, you know.

You seemed a little...

distracted at certain moments.

You're so perverted.

I don't think you were quite giving Adolf

your full attention.

You're full of it. [Laughs]

[Sighs] All these old people in love

are making me feel like a whore.

- Are you kidding? - No.

Did you see what those two old people were up to?

- No. - It was really...

- It was really gross. - No, you're gross.

You're having a torrid affair.

You can't torture me. [Laughs]

Hey, I think I love you.

What? What?

Just kidding.

Don't do that. [Laughs]

That's psycho.

I don't know. Maybe I do.

It's hard to tell, you know.

I'm probably dead inside.

You're so irresponsible.

That is such a psycho thing.

That's such a psycho thing to say for so many reasons.

Am I very irresponsible?

[Traffic noise]

[Soft music]

♪

What time is it?

Oh, I don't know, and I'm fine with that.

I'm doing this thing where I say

I leave the watch at home.

I release myself from my schedule.

- I go about my day. - That could be C.

- That could be C. - That?

Oh!

That lady would break Dad in half.

That is not love.

I do love her trench. So many trenches.

Yeah, I kind of want one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Should I?

You would look just like a French film star.

- Are you serious? - I am so sold on it.

Okay.

That's going to be you in 20 years.

- Hey! Oh! - No.

Such a diss. [Laughs]

Well, guess what, babe,

you're going to be married to that.

A gentleman like that.

Oh shit.

- Passion... - No, it's Dad.

- Oh my God! What's the plan? - Hurry.

[Grunting] Ow.

- Just get up. - Ow, ow, ow.

Move your ass.

♪

Hey.

- Get down. Get down. - Huh?

Oh, I don't want to see this.

♪

What's he doing?

- Hey. - Hey, Alan.

I missed you. Feel better?

- All right. - You were sick, right?

Oh, don't have that for lunch.

Sauerkraut, mustard.

He's getting a fucking hot dog.

Cholesterol nightmare.

[Indistinct TV chatter]

♪ Driving on nine

What the hell is going on with her?

I have no fucking clue.

I thought I was going to be planning her wedding,

not feeding her Lucky Charms.

[Sighs] Bye, sweetie.

Have a great day!

♪ Driving on nine

♪ I sure miss you

♪ Past the motel

♪ Looking at the pines

[Robotic voice] You have one new message.

[Beep] Hi, it's me.

I'm sorry that we keep missing each other.

I need to stay here for a few more days.

Just call me back.

[Beep]

Hey.

♪ Going by

Hello.

♪

♪ Driving on by

What are you doing?

Just borrowing a shirt.

What are you doing?

It's my closet.

[Grunting]

God, yeah...

Can't control my arm.

[Laughs] Teri! You're crazy!

[Indistinct chatter]

♪ Driving on by

Whoa! Oh! [Laughs]

Gotcha.

[Kissing]

Oh my God.

What is that?

It's an eyebrow ring.

Yes, it is.

- Well? - Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez.

- Shut up. - I love it.

- You do? - Yeah.

It's, like, really hot. [Laughs]

It's like squatter-hot.

[Kiss] No, don't, don't, don't.

- What? - Don't... don't touch it.

Because I don't want it to get infected.

Really? It's un... it's untouchable?

Aw, fuck it, I don't care.

[Kissing]

- Let's have drinks. - Let's do that.

Let's have so many.

[Snoring]

You have to get up, Dana.

Dana!

Oh my God, you barfed.

- No, I didn't. - This is how Hendrix died.

Okay? [Groans]

You can't kick me. I'm trying to help you.

- I can't! - I have to go to school, Dana.

- I don't. - You have to go to work.

- Let's go to the bathroom. - No, don't do it.

- Shut up. - Oh my God, I'm gonna kill you.

If you want to use the bathroom,

then use the bathroom by yourself.

I don't need to use the bathroom.

I'm not here to be your counselor!

I have to go to school. Your butt crack's in my face.

Good, then enjoy it.

[Laughs] What?

Ben called again last night.

For the millionth time in two weeks.

[Groans]

I don't think he's going to keep calling.

[Snaps] Oh.

Dance, Badelia, dance!

Oh my God, Ali.

[Waves lapping]

I'm locked in here

while the world continues to buzz around me.

I've become nothing but a plant to water.

A piece of furniture to dust.

I'm vanishing.

Turning into skin particles floating around the apartment.

Particles that bore me.

Two sons and one miscarriage.

[Pages turning]

[Whispering] It's your line.

It's on page 74.

Sorry, everyone.

That was a shit show.

My God, did you hear my stomach growling?

It was like another character in that play.

You know... thank you...

it was just so...

Badly written?

I'm not really concerned with the quality of Dad's work.

I'm glad it's a pile of shit, okay.

If it were better, more people might actually see it.

Mom would be even more humiliated.

Do you think that she was?

He made us boys and put the mother in a coma.

Good point.

[Indistinct chatter]

Someone who can capture that like Carla.

- Do you know Carla? - Uh-uh.

Carla?

Ah, thanks for coming.

Holy shit.

[Indistinct chatter]

I think that's C.

Oh my God.

What do we do?

This old lady just pinched my ass

and winked at me.

Are you old enough to drink?

Mind your own business.

I will take that from you, thank you very much.

I am leaving.

I have a splitting headache.

[Kiss]

And that's getting infected.

I know.

- Hi. - Hi.

I will see you at home.

Oh...

I can't believe we're all just

in C's house right now.

Yeah, I'm going to take a dump in her bed.

Who... who is C?

Who are you?

I'm going to go snoop in her medicine cabinet.

[Gasps] Wow.

Not a fan.

No, C is my dad's mistress.

Wow.

That's funny, I was thinking she looks like your mom.

Yeah, that's really funny.

She's a terrible actress.

This is the home that she shares with her husband.

Why would my dad bring us here?

Yeah, and also you brought me here, you know.

It's like a play within a play.

There's even someone in a coma.

Why would he do it to my mom?

And in front of his teenage daughter.

Yeah, it's twisted. Let's get out of here.

I don't want to...

I'm not in the mood to... whatever.

Are you worried about your sister?

- Yeah. - She's gonna be fine.

Well, that's... how do you know that?

Because we're grown-ups.

We all know monogamy is impossible.

So it's better she learns that now from her own family

than have it be some like forbidden fruit

that tears her heart out later in life.

Is that what you believe?

[Laughs] Look at us, you know.

Oh my God.

[All singing] ♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday dear... Jeffrey ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you

[Applause] Jeffrey! All right.

Okay, Max, hit me.

Ah! Come on, one more time.

One more time. Come on, hit me!

Ah! Come on. [Laughs]

You guys love it

when the shrimp misses my mouth.

We're too old for this place.

So...

What did you guys think of the play, huh?

Well, you put mom in a fucking coma.

Hey, Columbo, I'm the one in the coma.

[Sighs] Okay, can I go?

I have a test tomorrow.

They're about to make the volcano onion.

She does. She has a test.

Fine.

[Distant applause]

It's nice to see you two be sisters.

I think most of her friends

think that I'm like her weird aunt.

[snickers] What?

You're the only one in the family who says aunt.

- Aunt? - Too much Jane Austin.

[Slurping]

May I ask you... a question?

[Slurping]

Shh, shh.

Excuse me, hi. May I please have another of these.

Yes, and make it two.

Do you have to, like, slurp it down?

[Slurping]

I mean, Max, he notices.

The same person who threw food at your head?

I asked you a question.

You're afraid that I'm going to offend him?

I asked you a question.

You didn't answer it.

You didn't. You asked if you could ask...

What are you doing home?

Oh.

[Sighs]

I don't know, Dad. What do you want me to say?

I'm flailing, okay?

I'm just trying to figure out if the life

that I have picked for myself is even the one that I want,

and I don't...

even know if I'm allowed to ask that question.

You may never figure that out.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, why did you want to marry Mom?

How did you know?

She had great legs.

And the mouth of a truck driver.

[Laughs]

Truth is...

your mother is the best partner I ever had.

I wanted to be better for her.

She made me think I could be.

[Squeaking]

[Sighs]

[Soft music]

♪

[Grunts]

[Groans]

[Phone rings]

[Phone rings]

Hello?

I got... I got my eyebrow pierced.

What?

And then it looked really dumb,

and it got gross, so then I took it out.

[Sighs]

Sounds like you've been busy.

[Laughs]

What are... have you been up to?

Did... did you get any new holes in your body?

Oh, I've been here just holding down the fort.

I miss you.

I miss your voice, and I miss you

a very, very lot.

You've got a funny way of showing it.

I think I just got really scared.

Of what?

I don't know.

Us? [Sniffles]

And then this thing with my family,

it's like I'm surrounded by these people

who never asked any questions.

There are just all of these little things

that I haven't said.

I don't know, I haven't taken a shower by myself

in the last five years.

So, shower alone.

I'm not forcing you to shower with me.

[Sighs]

I want to come home.

I have not heard from you in two fucking weeks.

[Sighs] I know.

And I'm sorry.

[Exhales]

Ali and I are still going to go to the Halloween Parade,

and your costume is still in the closet.

And I totally get it if you just don't want to go,

but I really hope that you do.

And I love you.

[Sniffs] Ow.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Slamming] Be quiet.

Okay.

[Distant whistle]

[Clicking]

[Thud] Sick.

Hurry up.

I'm hurrying.

Holy dang!

[Locker slams]

I feel like if you bring this much money to school

you do not need it.

Hey, since you live downtown,

would you mind picking up the H for the party later?

Without you?

Yeah, I mean, it's really easy.

I'll tell you where to go.

Yeah.

[Wind blowing]

[Elevator dinging]

Happy Halloween. Ooh, this is spooky.

[Gasps] Ali, one per customer.

I feel like such an asshole.

You are such a thief, and you are an asshole.

This is fun. Don't be in a bad mood.

[Rings bell]

I didn't think I'd get to do this again.

Happy Halloween! Trick or treat!

Happy Halloween. Trick or treat.

- Oh, hi, girls. - Thank you.

- Oh, thanks. - Look, Emma, it's...

Oh, we're the California Raisins.

[Laughs] Cute, a nerd. In costume.

[Laughs] Happy Halloween.

I think we have to tell Mom.

You know, I don't think he's ever going to.

He's not ready to.

He's never going to be ready.

Can I just say...

you don't understand what he's going through.

Dad loves Mom.

But now he's terrified of hurting her.

So, it's not that easy.

Yeah, he should've thought of that

before he titty fucked some woman

whose laundry is full of dry clean only.

[Clears throat] You went through her laundry?

I'm telling her. I'm telling her right now.

Stop! Stop, stop. Stop, Ali. Please.

Oop! Pardon me.

Mom? Mom, we have to tell you something.

We're going to be late.

You guys look so cute.

No, wait, just one picture, just one picture, please.

Go... um, just be a raisin, okay.

Oh, that's cute. Move around a little bit.

[Plastic scratching]

- Like this? - Oh, that's adorable.

How about a little of this?

[Thud]

[Smack]

Alexandra.

Please tell me you are holding these for a friend.

You smoked for 20 years.

My gynecologist smoked then.

Okay, great, we heard it.

- I'll talk to her. - This is bullshit, okay?

Bullshit. Both of you are hypocrites.

I'm so over this.

What the fuck just happened?

I'll handle it. I got it.

[Groans]

She's just being scary. It's Halloween.

She's a scary... a scary raisin.

[Dance music]

♪ La la dee la la da La la dee la la da ♪

♪ La la dee la la da La la dee la la da ♪

♪ In my sleep I see you hanging ♪

♪ Reaching for me

♪ Although I'm falling

[Indistinct chatter]

Come on, darlin'. It could've been that bad.

Watch it. My ex...

Can I get a white wine?

You got it.

[Sighs]

I don't think he's going to be there.

It's making me sick.

Okay, well, I mean you cheated on him,

and you ignored him for two weeks.

So, I probably wouldn't show up either if I were him.

Yes, but just take into account

that he doesn't know the cheating part.

Good.

You take that to the vault, okay?

Why? What?

You just throw away the combination.

Because he never has to know about it.

Anything. You...

Ugh!

Ooh.

It's that time of the month.

[Both laugh]

No.

You know, you are really a weird little bird,

you know that?

Mime. Sorry.

You're a weird little bird.

[Laughs]

I just want you to be happy.

[Sighs]

He's here.

How's my raisin?

It looks really good. You look awesome.

You forgot to make a pee hole for this thing.

- [Laughs] Aw. - Hi.

Oh. Hi.

You're crying.

- I know. - Hi.

Hi.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

What's the matter?

You look so nice in this box.

You are so nice to wear the box.

I love it.

I mean, I hate it, but I love it.

I'm wearing it.

You are so good.

Yeah, you are too.

Okay, you're freaking me out right now.

Okay, yeah. I'm not good.

What happened?

I did something bad.

Okay. Just what? What?

A couple weeks ago, after we saw...

after we went to the party, I...

when I was at the party and I was talking to Nate there.

- And then... - No!

- Oh, my fucking God. - Please, please, please.

- Let me finish. - Did you fuck him?

I'm not putting my words together.

Did you fuck him?

You fucked him!

[Crying] I knew it.

I fucking knew it, and I didn't say anything

because I'm a fucking chump!

No, no, no, no, no. I am the chump.

I can't believe you.

Ben? Ben, please.

Please, please!

Ben!

- You drop your box, Raisin Man. - Fuck you!

[Disco music playing]

Never was a disco man myself.

Neither was my husband.

The coke was great.

[Laughs] Yeah, so I hear.

Divorced? Widowed?

Uh, what if I'm neither?

Somebody married you.

So how long you been divorced?

I'm not.

Looking for a third?

You're not his type.

You're a real pisser.

[Laughs] My husband used to think so.

I'm Mitch.

Let's dance, Mitch.

Who knows how to disco like it's 1975?

[Disco music plays]

♪ Dim all the lights, sweet darling ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight It's all the way ♪

♪ Hey, baby, Turn up the old Victrola ♪

♪ Gonna dance the night away

[Sniffs] What did I just do?

Badelia be crazy.

I just didn't want to be Dad.

You're not Dad.

You should've seen his face.

He's never going to talk to me again.

Yes, he will.

I mean it. It will be okay.

Um, can you just wait here?

I have to pick up something for a friend.

I'll be back in, like, a second.

No, thank you.

[Door slams]

Who do you know who lives here?

Um, don't worry about it.

Ugh, Ali, no, I hate that, okay.

And also this has been a horrible, long night.

Can we please just go home?

Yeah, just wait right there, okay?

[Sighs]

Is this dripping?

Bag and a bag?

Uh, yeah. Two?

Two and two.

What? Wait, he's taking my money.

He'll be right back, freshie.

Is this your friend?

- What did... - Just be quiet, okay?

- Why? - Is this a drug deal?

- Are you buying drugs? - Shut the fuck up, trash bag.

Uh, take a better look, cool guy.

I'm a California Raisin.

Dana! Can you just... can you be cool, please?

No, I can't be cool.

I've had the worst night,

and I don't know why you would bring me

to this gross place.

No offense. Let's just go.

[Glass shatters] Ooh! Oh my God!

Is that a needle?

- Just calm down, okay? - I don't want to calm down.

It's for a friend. It's not even for me.

And this is not, like, a regular thing for me, okay.

It's... it's a holiday.

The holiday is Halloween,

which is not typically a heroin holiday

on most people's calendars.

You're so smart. Why would you do this?

You know that people do it one time, they get addicted...

I did it once. I'm fine.

Jesus Fucking Christ, Dana,

not everything is so black and white.

Like, you can... you can fuck Nate and still love Ben, right?

Oh, shit!

Okay. You need to just step out.

You're not in this conversation.

[Sighs]

[Footsteps on stairs]

So, Mini Trash, want your shit or not?

Not.

[Muted yelling] Five-o! Five-o!

- What is that? - I don't know.

- Yo, run, raisins, run! - Go, go, Ali!

Go, go, go, go, go.

- Hold on, ladies - Are you kidding?

I just said no.

And I'm sure Nancy Reagan would be real proud.

But you're trespassing.

Come on.

♪ All alone

♪ All alone [Alan laughs]

♪ Like a near-sighted dog with a bone ♪

♪ Aw, but it's better

Hey. Lenny's on HBO.

♪ Yakking on the phone I gave her everything ♪

Remember I took you to see him on our first date?

Then we went to night court to watch hookers

and pimps get arraigned.

[Laughs]

What's...

What's gotten into you, huh?

Hi.

[Kissing]

[Heavy breathing]

[Exhales]

[Moans]

[Cries out] Oh. Oh!

Ah, oh.

[Sighs]

Oh.

♪ I'll be rich

[Gasps]

♪ But so all alone

[Applause]

Alan?

What?

Which one of us fucks better?

What are... what are you talking about?

Just... just stop, okay.

Really, Patty, I don't know what you're...

Stop.

Stop lying.

I know about Carla.

I read all the stupid... fucking shit that you wrote.

Are you serious? It's a play.

It's... it's for the play.

I should chuck that fucking computer at your head.

Patty, I...

Just stay, stay where you are.

What was your plan?

Were you ever going to tell me or...

Why her and not me?

Because she knows I'm alive, okay?

She knows you're alive? Really?

When was the last time you or anybody in this house

ever even looked at me?

You think I'm a failure.

You said it right in front of Ali.

I did what?

You don't even like me anymore.

Look, I married you, okay.

Can we just assume that I like you?

I don't have to assume with her.

She tells me!

Really? She tells you what?

That you're so great and that she loves you.

Yeah, for who I am and some other person

she wishes I could be.

I had...

I had no idea...

that this was going to be anything, Patty.

I don't want to lose you.

And the girls.

You broke the rules.

[Phone rings]

[Sighs]

[Phone rings]

[Indistinct chatter]

[Door unlocking]

[Door squeaks]

[Sighs]

[Laughs quietly]

[Door buzzes]

[Door slams open]

[Soft music]

♪

Hey. [Patting]

We're home.

We'll all talk in the morning.

I'm gonna find a spot.

Okay.

Okay.

♪

Mom?

[Sighs]

Mom?

Oh my God, Mom.

We're okay. I'm so sorry. We're fine.

We're fine. Mom, we're totally fine.

[Sniffs]

Your father fucked up. [Laughs]

We know.

You do?

We haven't known for very long.

And we also weren't sure.

Yeah, but I should've told you.

No, no, no.

You have nothing to apologize for.

I've known for a little while too.

[Sighs]

[Coughs]

Oh. [Hacking cough]

No. [Sizzles]

[Coughing]

[Hacking cough]

Come here.

I love you guys so much.

Even when you make me crazy.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

You know it doesn't always wind up like this.

Right, it doesn't have to end up like this.

This isn't so bad.

♪

[Knocking]

♪ Saw it in her eyes

I don't want to see you.

♪ Oh, it wasn't what she said ♪

♪ She came together like a dream ♪

[Door unlocking]

♪ That I didn't know I had

♪ From the sleeping life I lead ♪

Hi.

You think you're being cute.

But you're being a fucking asshole.

[Phones ringing]

♪ I can't recognize

♪ The one in front of me

♪ Oh, the truth is I don't mind ♪

♪ And then it finally came along ♪

♪ Turn around and then he's there ♪

♪ Oh, the lovers I've...

[Crashing]

[Laughs]

♪

♪ I want to know you

♪ I want to show you

- I love you. - I love you.

Thank you.

Um, I made you this tape.

Oh. What a loser.

I called it. I knew you'd get back together.

Yeah, you know everything.

Yeah. Bye.

Bye!

Want to get high and watch "Zelig"?

Not really.

What's up?

What do you mean?

You're not saying anything.

Neither are you.

My mom wanted me to invite you

to my grandma's 80th birthday party.

[Laughs]

Oh.

They call you my girlfriend.

Is that okay?

I like you.

Like, like a lot.

Um, just seems like in a year from now

we're going to be at different schools.

And, like, I don't even know where I'll be, you know.

And it's, like, at some point

either I'm going to hurt you or you're going to hurt me,

and... like we're friends.

So I just want to stay friends.

Got it.

What time is it?

- It's probably 3:00. - Yeah, I should go.

My dad's probably downstairs.

Fuck his car up. [Laughs]

So, you put your blinker on.

Check your rearview mirror, your side mirror.

I know.

[Engine turns over]

Where am I going?

Poppy's house.

You moved in with Poppy?

That's depressing.

Thank you.

It's not that bad.

He spends most of his time in Atlantic City

with a flavor of the month,

and I feed his cat while he's away.

Yeah, I don't really want to go to Queens.

So, can you just, like, sign the papers

and say we completed the hours?

[Shuts off engine]

You have every right to be upset.

Cool.

You'll never know how sorry I really am.

But I'm not leaving this family.

You keep saying that.

How does that actually work?

I have no fucking idea.

[Laughs]

[Snickers]

[Sighs]

Have you ever thought about the possibility

that Carla's just filling a void you created for yourself?

A void?

- Yeah. - What is that?

Like Oprah?

No, God, why does everyone think I get my shit from Oprah?

Because your shit is far too wise

for the amount of time you've actually been on this planet.

[Both laugh]

All right.

[Engine turns over]

So, Poppy has a cat?

Yeah, I've never actually seen it,

but I smell it.

[Laughs] Easy. Okay, you got it.

Okay.

Easy, easy, easy. [Brakes squeal]

Watch out for this girl in the short skirt.

I'm going to take a bath.

[Sighs]

I want to glue him to the wall

and take a flame thrower

and shoot fire into his hair.

And then just take some ink

and shoot it into his fucking blue eyeballs.

Okay.

- Also kill him. - Stop.

I can't keep having this conversation with you.

If you didn't want to have the conversation,

you probably shouldn't have told me about it

because the image of you two fucking

is in my head.

Do you know what that's like?

No, I don't.

I didn't want to lie to you anymore.

Cheating's lying.

You told me so you could feel better.

Just because I did one shitty thing

doesn't mean I do all shitty things.

I did a stupid, gross thing,

and I'm endlessly, endlessly sorry.

I'll always be sorry,

but I also can't undo it,

and I don't know what to do.

I love you. I love you. And I hate myself.

And I just...

I just, I...

[Crying] I don't know what else to do.

[Door closes]

[Magazine slaps]

[Splashing]

[Knocking]

[Sighs] I mean...

do you think I wasn't scared and bored too?

You asked me to marry you.

Yeah. [Laughs]

Because I wanted to marry you.

But, yeah, it's terrifying

thinking I'm going to spend the rest of my life

comparing everybody else to you.

I know.

I... I mean, what happens in six months?

I don't think either one of us

can say that it's going to be perfect.

But I can... I can say that I love you.

And I just want to live a life

where we're always choosing each other.

And I choose you.

If you'll let me.

[Sniffles]

[Sniffles]

Will you take a bath with me?

Will we have sex in it?

[Laughs]

You know that doesn't work.

We're going to fuck in this tub.

You're gonna get your elbows bonked.

Oh, no! [Laughs]

[Splashing]

Of course you can, honey.

- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!

[Laughs] I'm sorry.

- Hi, Mom. You look pretty. - Happy birthday.

- Thank you. - Happy birthday.

- Hi. Nice to see you. - Is that mine?

Guess what it is. It's a trench!

- Oh! - She got one for herself too.

I did, but it's not matching.

- So, we won't be dorks. - Maybe I should get one too.

No, no, don't.

Yes.

What are you wearing?

This is what you call a fashion statement.

- You love these suspenders! - I love it.

She looks like an adorable Doug Henning.

I'm not saying they're not cute.

I'm just saying people are going to assume

that you have to pull your pants up

because you're wearing a diaper.

I think they're adorable.

- I think it's so... - A cute diaper.

I'm taking this away from you.

- No, you ain't. - No, come on.

- I'll have it. - Slow down.

You've cat to be kitten me right meow.

Yeah! [Laughs]

[Laughter] Whoa!

You didn't really just say that?

- I've been waiting six months... - That's my guy.

You cat to be kitten me right meow, my Ben.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Happy birthday, Ali. - Thanks.

[Kissing] Hi.

What? No gift?

It's parked outside.

Really?

You look great.

You look tired.

Is there something outside?

Honey, it's a brand-new horse and buggy.

Be careful, it bucks.

I don't even get two presents out of this shit?

You are such a tiny asshole.

[Laughs] Happy birthday.

Hey, Ben.

- Hey. How are you? - Good to see you.

- Good to see you too. - Long time.

Yeah.

Thanks for inviting me.

Well, ah, Max! My man!

- Yay! - Yay, he's here.

[Applause] He's a family member.

- Looking sharp. - He's my long lost son.

- Oh, whoa. - You have the shrimp, right?

Can you... Max?

Can you put the shrimp on one side of the grill,

not near the meat because I'm developing a little allergy.

- She's "allergic" to shrimp. - I am. It gets me flushed.

Is that the stuff that's really hot?

- Yeah. - I think that got me last time.

- So what are you drinking, Ali? - That's a birthday drink.

[Soft music] It's... yeah.

And you guys just let that happen?

- Are you kidding? - Ladies...

You remember when she went to jail, right?

She's... [Laughter]

What do you mean "she"? What about you?

- I was... - You were an accomplice.

I was a dingle-berry on the situation.

- You're the oldest. - I didn't know what was...

She can't even handle her soda.

Mom says I'm a heavyweight.

[Laughter]

[Chatter]

Give her all the shrimp.

[Laughter]

[Cheerful music]

♪

♪ I would have given you all of my heart ♪

♪ But there's someone who's torn it apart ♪

♪ And he's taken almost all that I've got ♪

♪ And if you want I'll try to love again ♪

♪ Baby, you can't love again

♪ Without the love

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ But when it comes to being lucky ♪

♪ People

♪ When it comes to love and need, people ♪

♪ But when it comes to being lucky, people ♪

♪ That's how I know

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ Just to watch you by my side ♪

♪ Just to help me dry the tears that I'll cry ♪

♪ And I'm sure I will give you a try ♪

♪ And if you want I'll try to love again ♪

♪ Baby, you can't love again without love ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ But when it comes to being lucky, people ♪

♪ When it comes to love and need, people ♪

♪ When it comes to being lucky, people ♪

♪ That's how I know

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪

♪ I would've given you all of my heart ♪

♪ But there's someone who's torn it apart ♪

♪ Just to hold you by my side ♪

♪ Just to help me dry the tears that I'll cry ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

[Soft acoustic music]

♪