Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

One.

Two.

Smallwood! You're free to go!

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

Mr. Secretary, Merry Christmas!

Tom! Great to see you.

Well, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Well, this is gonna be a fantastic holiday bonus for our military.

Access to PEN15 will be granted in ten, nine, eight...

Okay folks, let's get it started in here!

Agent Woman, Agent Charlesworth, let s relay the shriek command codes!

Agent Woman, administer the voice modulation masks.

One.

Agent Charlesworth, we have access.

Ha-ha!

Nice!

Thank you, Houston. We'll take it from here.

Hot dog, Christmas has come early!

Let's see what those little furballs can do.

I'm sending command shrieks

to the space thingy now, Mr. Secretary.

They're accessing the space thingy's visual optics.

Oh, they found something!

Tammy!

Oh, tell them to try image enhancing!

Oh, titties!

Boobies!

Breasteseseses.

That is sophomoric.

And tasteless.

Those nerds at the NSA

probably think this is Santa's sleigh!

If they only knew!

The optics are phenomenal,

just think what the laser capabilities might be.

This might be the best weapon

the U.S. military has ever had ever!

Chester, I gotta hand it to ya, man.

This raccoon weapons program is incredible!

From spraying raccoon feces all over the Middle East

to developing one of the most

uncrackable satellite codes in human history.

Even the Chinese can't figure it out!

Great job, man!

Congress is gonna be so pissed

when they find out who is paying for this.

Hey, guys, can I get a little credit here?

I mean, ten years ago,

the raccoons slaughtered fifteen campers here in town.

If I didn't cover the whole thing up

and ship the raccoons off to the military, we wouldn't be here today.

I only wish my colleagues from that summer had survived,

I heard their bodies were never found.

They were all ripped to shreds by raccoons.

You know, it's funny you would mention that,

cause just last week, we had a break-in

at the Raccoon Creek weapons facility.

We got a few things missing,

like some raccoons and some gear

and I don't know who the heck would take it,

'cause what are they going to do with it?

There was a note left behind, it said, "Shitsnakes."

Strange I've heard that before.

Yeah, you know that was something Ranger Rick Danger used to say.

He was a boozehound park ranger

I hired ten years ago. Nobody knows what it meant.

Shitsnakes? That's not a thing.

Like, snakes covered in shit?

Well, nobody really knows.

Besides, Ranger Danger is long gone,

you guys did a phenomenal job,

have a great holiday, thanks so much.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor. I mean, Mr. Secretary

You're welcome. Just call me sir the way she does.

Yes, sir.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Secretary!

Agent Woman, could I talk to you for a second?

- Mm-hmm. - Sorry, Chester.

Of course. Have a great holiday.

Listen,

I don't know if you're staying in town for the holidays,

but I have a cabin in the woods

and I would love it if you would join me.

As flattered as I am by the offer, sir, my plans are to make

the next train to Washington to meet my... family.

Ha-ha! Well, no matter, I'm married anyway.

Listen, like the secretary said,

you did a great job today!

Thank you, sir.

But I don't need a man to tell me that.

Hoo-hoo, feminism is hot, ha-ha!

Come on, Aunt Sally's mittens, where is he?

O-M-G! Ty! Ty Smallwood!

Shane! How are ya, man?

Hey, what's with the cross?

Oh, I'm a Christian now!

Isn't that great? I went to conversion therapy.

The only thing I'm gay for now is Jesus,

and he's the reason for the season, am I right?

Hey, I love that mustache.

Oh, thanks.

But don't call me Ty anymore.

I changed my name.

I couldn't stand being made fun of in prison.

Oh, right. Smallwood could be perceived as "small penis."

Makes sense.

So from now on, call me Casey.

Casey Smallwood.

I got this place after I got out of conversion therapy.

Business boomed when the mayor of Independence

became the Secretary of Defense.

Lot of military families coming through.

It's been really good for business.

Wait, the mayor?

That dick who put me in jail for ten years for underage drinking?

He put Al Jazeera in Guantanamo!

We don't even know if Al's alive.

Ty... Casey, a lot's changed

in the last ten years since you've been gone.

The mayor's done a lot of good since he's gotten to D.C.

So he's a hero now, huh? What'd he do for you?

He got me the conversion therapy.

I'm not living that sinful, disgusting life anymore.

Speaking of, we have a Christmas

swingers party going on tonight.

You're more than welcome to hang out,

stay as long as you like.

Well, that's nice of you, Shane,

but Imma try to see my family on the East Coast.

I'm actually supposed to meet up with this girl

I've been in touch with, and take the next train to D.C.

What?

Who is this girl, how long you been in touch with her

and will you be touching her a lot more?

She's the sister of the dead girl that I lost my virginity to

ten years ago, who was mauled by raccoons.

Her name's Darlene.

We struck up a penpal-ship while I was in the joint.

She wants to know the truth

about what happened to her sister.

I'm not gonna lie, Shane.

That summer really fucked me up.

It's almost as if I'm a totally different person now.

Yeah, it's pretty obvious.

Look, Casey, Raccoon Creek Campground

doesn't exist anymore.

It's a top secret military facility.

There hasn't been a raccoon attack in ten years.

Anybody who knows about that attack, they keep quiet.

You'd be smart to do the same thing.

If this whole mystery train ride with your dead lover's sister doesn't pan out,

make sure to hit me up on social media.

Thanks, Shane.

But I think I need to get the fuck out of this town.

And above all

I never want to see another raccoon again.

Now boarding the 9:11 train to D.C.

Never forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding.

How could anyone forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding?

No one should ever forget about the 9:11 train.

Well, you'd be surprised about

how many people forget about the 9:11 train.

It's like no one remembers anything about the 9:11 train anymore.

Well, that's because these days,

there's still a lot of questions

about what really happened to the 9:11 train.

You're going to bring up your doubts

about what happened to the 9:11 train again?

I'm just saying it's okay to ask questions

about what our government really knew

about the 9:11 train and when they knew it!

Oh, my God.

We're not arguing about what happened to the 9:11 train.

Hey! I have a lot of questions...

Hi, there.

Has a woman named Darlene Bean picked up her tickets yet?

Hey, are you Casey? I'm Darlene.

Janine's sister.

Wow, I can tell You look just like her.

It's, it's uncanny, not to be weird or anything, but,

I made this for you

Hey, I hate to interrupt this really awkward moment,

but did you guys want to pick up your tickets or...

Yeah, there should be two tickets under my name, Smallwood.

You didn't have to buy both of our tickets.

It's not a problem.

It's amazing how much money you save

when you have no place to spend it.

Okay. Uh, two tickets for Ty Smallwood.

Actually changed my name, it's Casey now.

Casey Smallwood.

Well, your last name still means "small penis" though.

Last call for the 9:11 train to D.C., last call!

And no, we're not arguing about it anymore.

So uh, how's your family doing?

Uh, fine, I guess.

I mean, as good as you can be when a member of your family

mysteriously dies at a campground.

Nobody ever really told us exactly how or why she died.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Actually, I...

I made you this Christmas present to get the conversation started

That's an interesting necklace.

Yeah, killed that raccoon myself ten years ago.

Wait, seriously? You killed an innocent raccoon?

Casey, you know I'm a big animal rights activist.

I've written to you about it a lot.

I-I mean, I know that!

This was a bad one.

It's actually part of the story about your sister.

Jesus, dude.

Well, it's a good thing we've got

a long ass train ride ahead of us.

Let's go.

Looks like I've bitten off more than I can choo-choo.

Oh, wow! How's it going there, young lady?

Oh, okay, well. Hey, where ya going?

Come on, I'm the train's photographer!

So what are you, uh,

traveling with your boyfriend or something?

Or going dolo?

She's traveling with me.

Sorry.

Hey, you look really familiar. Have we met?

I don't think so.

I just got out of prison.

You?

I was in jail for a bit about ten years ago

I don' t think I know you from there.

Look, sorry, man.

Hope you have a good trip.

And so, as the holiday train

boards up again this Christmas Eve

on its way to our nation's capital,

the folks on board are prepared for some unannounced guests,

perhaps even Santa Claus himself.

For Network News, I'm Dick Weener.

Did we get it? Good.

I'm getting the fuck out of here.

This place gives me the creeps!

I've been the biggest name in the local news

for ten years now and it's time to move on.

The Secretary of Defense says once I get this

spokesman job at the Pentagon,

I don't need you plebeians anymore!

Happy holidays, you sad sacks!

The NSA tracks Santa on Christmas Eve,

but who else are they tracking?

- I don t trust them one bit. - Well, hello, Agent Woman.

Looks like Santa got me a little present this year.

Hello, Agent Charlesworth

Care for a vod-sode?

A vod what?

A vod-sode. Vodka soda.

It has the highest alcohol content

and the lowest amount of calories.

Hey! Hey, man!

That's rape culture. Did you even wash your hands?

What? Of course I washed my hands.

I always wash my hands.

- Okay. Then strip for me. - What?

Strip for me, you big hairy man. Strip!

Okay!

There is no more freedom,

there is no more personal freedom.

If Jesus Christ were president,

something like this would never happen!

All right, boys.

Let's go to work.

First it was flu shots at Christmas, what else is next?

I'm gonna ask if you have any nines or elevens?

Well, I'm gonna go ahead tell ya to go fish!

Dang nab it.

They're trying to control...

You hear something?

Merry Christmas?

All right, boys. We got ten minutes.

Hey, there. Could you tell me what that girl over there is drinking?

I'd like to have the same thing to be social.

It's just that I haven't had a drink in ten years.

I just got out of prison.

For underage drinking.

Are you a murderer?

What? No!

Oh, Phew. Okay. I have to ask.

We get a lot of felons on here from that jail in Independence.

Your friend is drinking a vod-sode.

A what?

A vod-sode. Vodka soda.

It's the highest alcohol content

with the lowest amount of calories.

Let me go see if I can do this.

I'll be back.

Yo, Casey.

Wanna join me for a drink?

Yeah.

Hey, your sister, she used to call me Ty,

because that was my real name.

But then, I changed my name to Casey,

and you've been calling me that,

which has been nice.

But I guess if you want to, you could call me Ty,

just like your dead sister did.

I don't want to call you Ty, Casey.

And I don't just want to keep hearing about

your relationship with my dead sister.

I'd love to know why she died,

if you know anything about that.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

- It's just... - It's just what?

Are you going to tell me what happened to her,

or do you even know?

I mean, was it your fault or something?

I loved your sister.

I didn't know she was going to die!

My best friend died that summer,

and so did a lot of other people.

And I tried to stop it!

Yeah, well, you did a great fucking job.

If at any point you'd like to tell me exactly

what happened to my dead sister, that would be great.

Maybe I do need that vod-sode.

Hey, Shelley What was in that vod-sode again?

Well, it's like, vodka, but like, also soda.

Great, I'll take one.

Hey, Casey, I'm sorry I lashed out at you earlier.

It's just...

You were with my sister that summer

and I just really need to know how she died.

There's so much information my family and I never got

and if you know anything about what happened,

I'd just like to pick up our pen pal relationship and figure it out.

Of course.

And I promise, by the end of this trip,

you'll know how your dead sister died.

Thanks. I'm gonna go take a jog,

but later we can have some drinks and talk.

Let's go, boys.

Oh, hey, look, don't get your psycho

ex-con boyfriend to beat me up, all right?

I was just trying to make conversation.

He's not my boyfriend.

Oh, now we're talking.

Look, don t bring rape culture with you to work, okay?

And if you even try to touch me, I'll beat you up.

Look, I don't know about that.

I've been doing a lot of this lately.

Oh, wow.

Well, why don't you go ahead and try and touch me then?

Wait, what?

Go ahead. Touch me.

All right, I mean I guess that's consent, so...

Ow! An electric shock I can't fuck with!

Oh, come on!

Oh, God, I can't breathe. I can't breathe!

Come on. Where'd you learn that from?

The NYPD?

Ten years ago my sister and I took a self-defense class.

Then she died on some camping trip in Independence,

so I kept training to make sure nothing ever happened to me.

Well, I'm really sorry to hear that,

but I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry

about getting killed on this train.

Yeah, well, I certainly hope not.

Hey, wait.

You said your sister was killed on a camping trip in Independence?

Yeah?

I was there around ten years ago, too.

I think I remember your friend, but I can't be sure.

Yeah, well, I'm not sure either.

Oh!

Oh, goddamn. Hang in there fellas!

You want paper or something?

No, thank you.

I'm just jotting down a few notes.

Maybe I'll turn it into a screenplay or something.

Oh, really? What about?

Just about when I lost my virginity

and the girl I lost it to was devoured by raccoons,

and then a whole bunch of other people

were killed by raccoons, too

Including my best friend, at a summer camp.

And then I was imprisoned for ten years for underage consumption.

Okay.

First of all, that sounds like a fucking shitty movie.

Second of all,

do you want some nuts with your drink?

Or are you already there?

No, I'm actually allergic to nuts.

Shit, you better get to the kitchen

and let the cooks know before they start cooking dinner.

Almost all our food has nuts.

Hold on a second, hold on.

So you trying to tell me that you're allergic to nuts?

And you want me to take all the nuts

out of all the food in the whole kitchen?

I mean, yeah, If that's possible.

I just got out of jail and I'd be happy to eat anything.

It just can't have nuts.

Yeah, sure! If I just got out of prison,

I'd be sick of eating nuts, too!

Hurry, boys! Train's a-comin!

Listen, I don t know how they do it in jail, but I can't change

the menu of an entire train car

just cause one jerk off's got a nut allergy!

I mean, do you have anything without nuts?

Yeah, actually.

No problem. I actually, I got a new recipe for ya,

it's called, uh,

your momma's fucking pussy juices!

You jail idiot!

What the hell is going on?

Whoa, man!

Must have hit the old rough tracks!

Seems like we're in for a dark Christmas in the dark!

What the heck is this?

I don't know! He don't look like one of our boys.

Hey, what's going on here?

Garbage train ran off the tracks.

Lots of people got buried in the trash

Went home to the Lord.

What? There weren't no garbage trains

coming through here.

Where are all the bodies?

Here!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, people!

Can't you see this violence is poisoning

our children's minds!

God has given us the engine.

All right, boys, we have four minutes and twenty seconds.

Let's move!

Everybody to the back of the train! On the double!

Don't make me ask twice!

Gotta tweet! Must tweet!

Gah! Ah! I have to tweet!

You gonna post this on the Internet, newsman?

Get the hell out of here!

Everybody play it smart and put the smart phones in the bag.

- Help! - Help.

Merry Christmas! Ho, ho!

Holy shit!

What the hell?

Looks like we got too many cooks in the kitchen.

Get on it.

How the heck did you do that?

And what was that thing?

It was a raccoon.

And this is just the beginning.

Get down!

Looks like too many chefs spoiled the soup.

We're all clear here.

Ranger Danger!

Merry Christmas.

Got ya a little present.

All right, let's move!

All aboard for the Lord.

Instead of Santa Claus coming

- down the chimney to give you gifts - What the...

It's the government busting down your door to take your kids!

Ladies and gentlemen, wake up!

How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?

At least this time I know I bit off something I can choo-choo.

Oh, my God.

Ranger Rick Danger!

Merry Christmas, Agent Chunksworth.

Looks like you've just seen the ghost of Christmas Past.

Or should I say, summers past?

Shitsnakes, huh?

Agent Charlesworth.

Jones!

Looks like you've got yourself a little bit of a raccoon problem.

Make yourselves comfortable

You want some music?

You guys like bands, right?

They said you were dead, Danger.

In fact, they said you all were dead.

As any good scientist knows, if no one sees a dead body,

then no one knows if that body is dead for real.

Isn't that what happened to you, too?

Now don't get me wrong,

we all got the shit scratched out of us.

But it wasn't nothing we couldn't handle.

We're not a bunch of pussy college kids!

I think it's great you got so rich and successful

training raccoons for the military, but I guess you forgot

there were a few more of us who knew the secrets of the campground.

I get to tell you that we know all about

the secret satellite operated by raccoons and that we want you

to give us the shriek command codes so we can steal it!

What? How did you know?

You military guys gotta stop leaving your secret

blueprints and files everywhere.

You never know who's gonna get their dirty lil' paws on 'em

Looks like they're all set up, Danger.

Great! Hold on just a second.

Merry Christmas Eve, folks.

This is your main bad guy, Ranger Rick Danger speaking.

Welcome aboard the Holiday Express.

Or as I like to call it, Raccoon Railways.

We will only be making express stops

and by express stops, I mean one.

Ranger Rick Danger?

You've been loaded onto the back of this train

for your own safety and have probably noticed

the adorable, but highly-deadly raccoons

with tiny wittle machine guns!

If you do anything they don't like,

they are ready, willing and able

to pull those tiny triggers and kill ya!

These little furballs are government trained killers

and we're all here for revenge.

Revenge, huh?

Two can play at that game.

Now, how about those shriek command codes for PEN15?

We'll never give you the shriek command codes, Danger!

And even if we did, how are you going

to translate them into raccoon sounds

without the voice modulation masks?

All those are locked away deep in a...

In a secret bunker just outside Independence?

We know all about it, Chumplesjunk.

Now, we know you'll do whatever it takes

to keep us from scooping out the love of your life's

cute lil' eyeball here with this hot spoon.

Now while this spoon appears to be harmless,

it's actually really super-hot!

And when we stick it up to your lady's face,

it's gonna hurt!

And then when we scoop out her eye,

she won't have no eye anymore!

Now won't that be fucked up?

A-B-C.

One, two, three.

Don't worry my love, he can't do anything

with the shriek command codes

without the voice modulation masks.

Oh, really? Then why is he doing all of this?

God, you are such a dumb set of dick and balls!

He doesn't even have a way

to get the codes to the PEN15 satellite.

They need to be entered into the bunker's transcoding system simultaneously.

For God's sake, Woman! Give him your code!

E-I-E-I-O.

Man, those are some dumb codes!

Yep, we've known all about your secret raccoon

space program for some time now.

Wasn't too hard to figure out.

We even stole some of your really cool satellite shit, too.

That satellite's a smaller version of the one you have in the bunker,

and as long as we're on this train, it'll work just fine.

So what are you doing now, prick?

Oh, I'm just hacking into the U.S. military's

top secret raccoon-controlled satellite.

Ha! That's not possible.

Oh, no? Skippy! Pippy!

You taught them English?

You gave them names?

.Yeah, it wasn't hard!

.And here we go!

Shitsnakes.

Oh, baby, we're in! Daddy'd be so proud of me.

Oh, I forgot all about them.

Well, they've done a lot of hard work today.

We'll let them go home for the holidays.

- But you said... - Move it, Chester!

Jones, Billington, please!

You don't realize what you're doing!

We used to be colleagues!

We used to fight these raccoons together!

Those were the days before you sold out!

Oh, I'm dead for real now.

Right this way, m'lady!

Don't call me your lady.

That's the language of the patriarchy!

Would saying "ladies first" be sexist?

Yes, it would!

Okay, great

Ladies first!

Jesus!

While the rest of the world was going digital,

we made the PEN15 work for us by analog.

You can put a bunch of shriek command codes on here,

or just a bunch of raccoon porn.

With all the satellite's operating data

stored on this VHS tape, no one can hack into our system.

Unless they've got two VCRs,

which is pretty fucking rare.

Oh, boy!

Looks like we got

some shriek command codes to blow some shit up!

Okay, Danger.

Ticklesturd and the woman are both dead for real,

got the hostages in the back of the train.

We better make sure these little fellas

have it under control. I don't want any boo-boos.

Okay, boys and girls.

Let's get it started in here!

What the freak is going on?

PEN15 missing!

PEN15 can't be found!

Tammy, get me a freaking report!

The space thingy's gone bye-bye!

What do you mean? What bye-bye?

PEN15!

Bring it up on the screen.

We can't! It's like somebody stole it or something!

Oh, goddamnit! We were almost out of here for the holidays!

Okay, here's what we do.

We're going to go to Code Crazy status,

we re gonna call Tom Puncher, Agent Charlesworth

and Agent Woman as soon as possible.

Yes, sir!

Mr. Jones, Dr. Billington

The military's top secret raccoon-controlled satellite belongs to us now.

Oh, God!

Come on, get in there!

Oh, man! I thought you were one of those

ugly beavers man, with the guns!

What are you doing out there?

Oh, you know...

...just hanging out.

- What's behind that door? - No, wait, wait!

There's a bunch of those rodents out there, man! Don t open it!

What, are you trying to become otter food or something?

They're not otters, they're not beavers.

They're raccoons. And they're smart ones.

Hold on. How do you know that?

Story of my life.

Do we have all our rich foreign clients online yet, Mr. Jones?

Yep! We got Iran, Russia and North Korea now on the line.

Gentlemen, how are ya?

Riding camels, drinking vodka and me so horny?

No, but seriously folks, I'm going to show you what the U.S.

military's been hiding from ya.

I know many of you have a hard time understanding the concept

of a high-powered, raccoon-operated satellite

and let's face it, who the fuck can blame ya?

But do me a favor and keep a close eye on the city of Cannes

for the next few minutes.

What the hell is going on?

Oh, hey there Tom. Nothing.

We're locked out of the system for the moment.

I thought we were the system!

Anything from Agent Charlesworth or Agent Woman yet?

Negative, sir.

Now this is where it gets fun.

Jones, you ever been to France?

Nah, I always heard it was a bunch of liberal pussies!

Well, you wouldn't be wrong, but it's also full of a bunch of

wine-addicted people who are gonna have to

get a whole lot drunker this Christmas

when their prize film city gets blown away

with a raccoon operated laser satellite!

Look, man, I can't die here, okay?

I'm sick and tired of these motherfucking coons

on this motherfucking train!

You mean raccoons, right?

Of course! What else would I mean?

Double A! You're not going to die on this train!

Trust me, I was once like you.

I lost the girl I loved and my best friend to these raccoons,

but I grew up, I fought back and I won.

And if I can do it, you can, too.

Now, is there some way to contact the outside world

on this train? Like a pay phone?

Uh, pay phone? You know we could just try to get my smart phone.

I mean, they took everything else,

but mine's in my bag in the passenger car.

I'm sorry, a what phone?

A smart phone?

I mean, it's one of the most important pieces of technology in the last ten years?

Oh, right

You've been in jail the last ten years.

Now watch this, Jones.

I'm about to turn Cannes into "Can't be found on the map!"

Because it's about to drop into the sea.

Yeah, I got it. That's a good one.

Skippy! Pippy! Do it!

There it is! We got it back!

Oh, thank Christ.

I'm going back to the whorehouse.

What the freak?

Okay, so after I'm able to use the tiny keyboard

on the "smart phone," I'll be able to find social media?

Yeah, man. But look, never try to type while driving. You know what I'm saying?

That's partly why I hit a raccoon ten years ago with my car

- and ended up in jail! - Wait a minute

We do know each other!

I got arrested that same night in Independence!

Oh, my God.

You hit the momma raccoon that night and saved us.

You do know how to fight these raccoons.

But this time, we're not going to jail for it.

This time, we're gonna win.

Destroyed buildings, burning baguettes,

thousands of rolls of film on fire.

France is about to look like a World War II movie.

It's processing the shriek command codes!

I can't make it go offey!

My God, they're targeting Cannes!

It's going into arming mode!

Shut it off, goddammit!

They left me for dead, threw me to the raccoons,

said I couldn't fill my daddy's shoes!

They're activating a full scale seismic blast!

Freaking shut it down!

The abort shriek commands aren't going through!

No one's gonna laugh at the name Ranger Rick Danger this year,

or ever again!

Shitsnakes? What does that even mean?

That's something Ranger Rick Danger used to say.

Call General Apathy at the Pentagon as soon as possible.

Actually, General Apathy is in Independence this weekend.

He was here for the holidays.

Tell him Santa Claus is stuck in a freaking chimney.

Now, gentlemen, as you can see, our high powered,

raccoon-operated satellite is fully operational.

Now that was just a little present for Christmas Eve.

Our big old gift under a Christmas tree

is called the Denver International Airport,

where the U.S. government built a top secret military bunker

that they won't even tell their citizens about!

With the PEN15, we can take out the bunker,

split the Rocky Mountains in two and divide the United States forever.

The fee for this convenient empire removal?

One gazillion dollars!

One gazillion dollars?

I just, I just made up a number, I...

Ah, shit.

What the hell is all this?

I don't know, General.

And I bet Congress doesn't know either.

Generals! Thanks so much for coming.

Uh, and happy holidays.

Shut up, Mr. Secretary.

What's really going on around here?

And don't tell me it's one of those

food stamp phone bank deals either.

That's a funny one, sir.

Okay, bring up the data images.

So, sir, what we're looking at up here is PEN15,

a brand new, recently launched laser satellite

that's part of our raccoon weapons program.

It's operated by raccoons

and can only be communicated with via raccoon sounds.

I've seen bigger, but what the hell does this thing do?

It's fancy Pentagon speech, General.

It's one of those Tesla earthquake machines.

I thought they canned it,

but those clowns got funding through the Secretary's dumb raccoon program.

I thought we shut that down!

The CIA financed the project.

What? You're telling me

that your raccoon weapons program went into space?

So, General, here's the problem.

The raccoons at the moment are being controlled by somebody else and we can't stop it.

My God. The earthquake that hit Cannes?

We already have a disinformation campaign in full swing, General.

We're blaming it on fracking.

Fracking? What the frack is fracking?

I guess that's what we should expect from the CIA these days!

Okay, we are now going into Code Lunacy status, folks.

So let's find this raccoon satellite now!

Jesus, this keyboard is tiny.

Did someone leave a smartphone on back there?

Why don't you furballs go in there and it check out!

Oh, I should probably be careful

wearing a hoodie around here.

Say there Billy boy, will you go check on

the lil' guy I sent back to the sleeping car?

He might need a lil' human help.

Sure thing.

Okay, Danger, looks like they're ready to call the bunker.

Fuck, yeah! Time to say Merry Christmas to the Mayor, boys.

Oh, man! Where'd you get that tiny machine gun?

From a little friend.

Did you find any weapons?

Naw, man, I just found this hoodie and a sandwich.

And I ate the sandwich.

Hey, any luck with my smartphone?

It wasn't easy, but if I was able to use that tiny keyboard

then you can use this tiny machine gun.

Hold it like that

You might need to pull the trigger with your pinky finger.

Aw, come on, man, my fingers aren't that chubby.

Something's afoot!

What's up?

How are you?

Now, who the hell is that?

My God, that's Ranger Rick Danger!

Well, technically not a Ranger anymore, Mr. Mayor,

or should I say Mr. Secretary, since you fired me ten years ago

and tossed me away.

As you can see, I've survived

and taken the time to learn all the neat weapons you left on the campground,

including the raccoons!

And at this point, you're probably wondering

how we took control of the PEN15!

I wish Agent Chumpleshirt and his lady friend

could tell you all about it,

but unfortunately, they're dead for real now.

Come on!

I'm knobbing as fast I can!

And since you guys probably know where PEN15 fired from,

you think you're gonna find it real soon.

Jones!

That little furball we sent to the sleeping car is missing!

Missing? Where'd he go?

I don't know! I don't have the slightest idea!

As you can see by PEN15's little demo today,

your high-powered raccoon-operated satellite works like a dream.

And now I'm going to use it and make it work like a nightmare.

In 40 minutes, when the PEN15 is in place,

I'm gonna use it to hit Denver with a 9,999 percent blast!

Y'all like blasts, right?

Well, I'm going to use it to blow up the secret bunker

you say isn't under the Denver airport.

Son of a bitch!

There'll be destruction, desolation and dang it!

They'll have to redo all the maps.

And you thought the country was divided now.

Oh, and one more thing.

I was always a pretty sweet Ranger.

And my daddy was a good Ranger, too.

And when the raccoons took over the campground,

you didn't give me what I needed to take care of them.

You betrayed me, Mr. Mayor.

You betrayed your country,

and now the raccoons are coming home to roost.

Until we meet again.

Assholes!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Can somebody tell me what "dos vidaniya" means?

- Where do you think he went? - I don t know!

I'll go check the kitchen.

Can somebody please let me know

if we can track down this Danger guy before he blows up Denver?

Maybe we should check the Moscow airport.

Well, sir, the fact of the matter is we have to look through

the entire Earth's atmosphere to find this thing.

It's going to be tough.

Maybe we could find it in the sky!

What? What are you talking about?

I mean, the satellite thingy's in the sky

and then we should probably be looking in the sky,

cause that's where the satellite thingy was,

you know?

Oh, okay.

Sounds good, I buy it.

So where should we go?

I need to get to the front of this train and see if I can stop it.

You harness that energy you had ten years ago

when you hit that momma raccoon.

I know you can do it!

You know what this is?

This is what my friend Casey gave me.

He said he killed the raccoon himself.

That's right. I remember him saying something about that.

I thought he was crazy,

but maybe he was on to something.

Exactly! He can fight these raccoons,

no matter how cute they seem.

Boys, it looks like there might be a surprise in Santa's sack.

Fellas, let's do a double check.

Fireworks and Wet Naps?

We find anything yet?

Checking now.

The Lord has blessed us with clearance up here.

Did you check the whole goddamn thing?

Oh, my! I wish he wouldn't use language like that.

Will one of you boys go check back there?

God! He's up here in the engine!

Jones, we're getting hit hard up here!

Goddamn! I'm on my way.

God has nothing to do with this.

Any day now, gentlemen. This is most unpleasant.

Come on, Doc!

Oh, yeah. Pippy got him!

Motherfucker fell under the engine!

Check the wheels!

She got him.

Danger, our stowaway has been exterminated.

You sure, Jones?

Doc says he went under the wheels.

By now, the bastard's reindeer meat.

Goddamn.

That was fucking frustrating.

Whoever that brave motherfucker is,

he just took out a bunch of our best raccoons.

All right, come on.

Jones, I thought you said you trained these raccoons to be killing machines.

I trained these furballs to be computer geniuses

and they're doing a great fucking job.

They do pretty good against people who never fought raccoons before,

but it's like this guy has actually fought raccoons.

But where? And when?

And what the goddamn hell was he doing on this train?

Jones was a pest removal expert and avid hunter

from Independence whose body was also never found.

He had inside knowledge of the campground

and knew how to handle any weapon.

Well, as usual, General, the CIA isn't giving you the full story.

In addition to Jones and Danger

and the now-probably- dead-for-real Agent Charlesworth,

the other experts at Raccoon Creek ten years ago

were the local pastor, Reverend Pookie and Dr. Billington

from the campground's clinic.

Their bodies were also never found.

Well sure, everybody knows

a number of the victims were never found,

but that was all part of the cover up, right?

We have to make sure that nobody found out about this stuff.

Oh. Right, Mr. Secretary.

And your secret raccoon weapons program

has been fucking everything up for everybody ever since!.

And your point?

Jesus, get outta here, will ya?

If these guys were hanging around Raccoon Creek the last ten years,

they probably know everything we've been doing.

They know the campground better than anybody

and they probably have chips on their shoulders.

A phone charger?

Goddamn!

Oh, man, you're hit!

You think this is getting hit?

This ain't getting hit.

Those bullets are so tiny, I honestly have no idea

how so many people have died.

Looks like I need a password for access.

I'll just try to crack a few programs.

Now, let's see what we've got.

Oh, looks like one of the porters from the train.

Looks like he accessed his social media account

off of some wifi in the area

and he sent a message... to my old deputy.

Shane?

And we're gonna need turkey and B-sprouts for Christmas dinner.

And get fruit. I love fruit!

But not that kind of fruit.

I think we're about there, deep in the Appalachians.

Shit, we're in for a dark Christmas in the dark.

We're gonna be without roads, radio,

wifi or any kind of contact with the outside world for three hours.

Jesus.

I hope I did the Social Media good enough to get a message through to Shane.

'Cause if not, we're the only ones who can stop them.

How are you with VCRs?

Wait a minute.

The message isn't signed by the porter.

It says, "Sincerely, Casey Smallwood, also formerly known as Ty

and yes it really is me, this is not a joke."

Smallwood? The name sounds familiar.

Yeah, it sounds really familiar.

Say, wasn't that the college student everyone thought

killed the raccoon ten years ago?

Oh, yeah! Tom. Tom Smallwood!

Didn't he try to fight the raccoons

with that old hippie that lived in the forest?

Jeff Tuck? You think he's not dead for real either?

No way! We would've seen him by now.

Besides, that old hippie used to just poop in the woods

and bone animals.

- Okay. - What? What?

But seriously, if this Smallwood kid isn't dead for real

and he has experience fighting the raccoons,

he is literally the one person we don't want on this train!

Say, Billy boy.

When you looked under the train for the stowaway,

did you actually see the body?

Well, I saw some train tracks

and some blood and I just presumed.

Presumption is the father of all boo-boos!

I'm sorry! Just, no more slapping.

With all the scars on my face and the missing chunks and what not.

I want all hands and paws on deck!

I want this train searched left side,

right side, inside, outside, from floor to ceiling!

We will not be defeated by Smallwoods!

Come on!

You really think this Smallwood kid is still alive?

I mean, until someone sees a corpse that's dead for real,

I'll always think it's possible, especially given our situation.

Okay.

Then why the fuck is he on this train?

Pull up the passenger list.

Let's see if he was with anyone else.

You don t think he was on here with Tuck, do you?

Or that Arab?

There's only one way to find out. Print it!

So what are you gonna look for? Tuck?

- Some Arab? - I don't know

But a man who fights raccoons

wouldn't leave his plus-one unprotected in a situation like this.

Oh, snap, fifteen missed notifications?

Ooh, who's this grande latte?

O-M-G.

Jesus.

Aunt Sally's mittens!

Let us know if you smell any... fear.

- What's he looking for? - I don't know.

Hopefully not me.

I have an idea.

So what do we do now?

What do we do now?

Oh, we're gonna make a little Christmas cocktail.

What's your name, young lady?

Anderson. Andy Anderson.

Sounds made up!

And...

Nope, it's not on the list.

I work on the train, at the bar.

And you don't have a uniform like Shelley here?

Changed out of it when you guys took over the train.

So how is this supposed to work?

We just need to put a little fire into these works.

What?

We just need to shake it off.

Man, stop speaking in song lyrics.

Well, well, well.

Who gave this to ya? Might not be a good idea

to wear that around these boys.

Wow, you're a brave little motherfucker.

You're gonna need a lot more than tasers to hurt us, though.

Our bodies are mostly scar-tissue at this point,

and that just feels tingly.

Hey, leave her alone!

Man, that doesn't even make sense.

It'll make sense when I charge my way to victory.

You ready to hit eject?

Imagine a fire pit along the Rocky Mountains.

It's gonna be like a big ol' hot tub.

Goddamn small dick!

Shitsnakes! We've lost PEN15!

I got the golden VHS tape!

Nice! Now let's get to the baggage car!

He took the golden VHS tape. I can't do anything without it!

Come on! We're almost there!

He's headed for the baggage car in the back of the train.

Don't shoot him. He's got the VHS tape.

Oh!

They're off the train!

Pookie, stop the train!

Sure thing, Jones. Let's give these boys a break!

Okay, Reverend, take us back.

Right. Okay.

Later on!

This train might as well be a toy going around

a Christmas tree without that VHS tape.

Couldn't you just have made some other copies?

Yeah, I...

I definitely could've done that.

Let's latch on here.

Be a doll and just wait right here, would ya?

Okay, here we go.

It's the chubby porter! Go get him!

Danger! Jones! It appears Smallwood has an accomplice.

It's the chubby porter with the smart phone.

He's getting away with the golden VHS tape!

Well, don't shoot the chub chub.

We can't let anything happen to it.

I bet you want that golden VHS tape, don't ya?

Well, too bad. It's down there.

Where'd the chubby porter go?

I don't know! A few cars down that way.

Oh, shit, man! Hands up. Don't shoot, man!

Come on, look what do you want, the golden VHS, man?

Look, man, I dropped it somewhere.

Like, I think it's under the train or something, man.

Come on, brother, all I got is your coon ass!.

Ho! There goes the chubby porter.

Goddamn!

Oh, shit!

Okay, Reverend.

Take us to Washington, full steam.

Aw, no!

Well, I guess your small dick buddy

wasn't as good as I thought.

Okay, Danger, you're back in the game.

Now make that banana split.

Goddamn it, Casey.

Maybe I am still Ty.

I'd take you over Charlie any day.

Tuck?

Okay, ladies and germs, we're back online.

And it looks like we didn't lose anything vital

for splitting the country in two.

Let's do it.

I'm locking PEN15 into Denver now.

The mile high city will be a cloud of weed smoke

in 20 minutes.

Ah! Looks like that Danger piece of shit started another countdown!

But I thought you were dead for real!

Oh, come on, man. Everyone else ain't dead for real, why not me, bro?

But how?

Well, I survived the big fireworks explosion,

then I just kept living in the woods like I always did.

Then the Mayor and U.S. military turned the campground

into a big weapons facility to harness the power of the raccoons.

Then it turns out Ranger Danger and those jerkholes weren't dead

for real either, so I just laid low,

kept tabs on everybody, and then when they made their move,

I made mine, man.

I, uh, kept pretty good track of everybody so far,

but, uh, then I had to stop and uh, get a little high.

Oh, Tuck, I missed you, man!

Oh, man, all right, okay.

Those raccoons from ten years ago, they're back!

They just attacked that train

and Ranger Danger and his expert friends were there, too.

- You were right! - Yeah, of course, man!

It's a big raccoon military experiment gone wrong.

I have literally been trying to say that for decades.

Come on, Tuck! You taught me how to fight raccoons,

don't you want to catch them?

I mean, you're here, I'm here.

We're so close! You think this is just a coincidence?

Oh, God. I'm so sorry, dude. That was so gross.

No, that's my bad.

I should've expected that.

Dude, I totally remember you, man!

We fought those raccoons ten years ago, man.

That was a great time!

You're, uh, you're Ty, right?

Yeah, that's me.

Now let's get on that train.

How did you get here?

Oh, yeah, I actually have a mode of transportation

that's a lot faster with two people.

You in?

Of course! What do I have to do?

I mean, I haven't driven in like, ten years.

Oh, man, you don't need to drive. How's your arm strength?

Pretty good. I did just get out of the pen.

Oh, yeah? You been, uh, jerking it?

I was gonna say doing a lot of pull ups, but yeah.

I was jerking it quite a bit.

Well, man, let's pull and jerk our way to victory, baby!

- Let's do it! - Let's do it.

Sir! Shane from the very popular restaurant in Independence is on the phone.

Shane?

Shane was another one of my Rangers ten years ago, General.

Really? Does he know about the raccoons as well, Mr. Secretary?

You know, I certainly hope not.

He's one of those people I sent to a conversion therapy camp.

So the result is he's not very gay now,

he's forgotten about the raccoons, got a super-hot wife,

nice restaurant. We should be good to go.

Okay, I get it. It doesn't matter if he used to be gay.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Sir, that's actually not a policy anymore.

We need to hurry. This is about the last train

that left from Independence to Washington today.

The last train to Washington?

Agent Woman was on that train!

That's it, warrior! Harness that prison jerkin power, baby.

Hello? Is the former mayor of Independence there?

Well, hi there, Shane!

Yeah, although, hey, for the record, I am now the Secretary of Defense.

Oh, right! Thanks again for everything you've done for me

and the city of Independence, sir.

Yeah, no prob, Shane!

Hey, we're in the middle of a little situation here, what's up?

I have a Social Media sent to me

by the train porter on the Holiday Express.

Please tell the former Mayor of Independence

that whoever's in charge of the secret weapon program

at Raccoon Creek that their experiment's gone terribly wrong.

Over 25 raccoons and former ranger Rick Danger of Raccoon Creek

hijacked the last Holiday Express to Washington today.

This group includes other experts who helped Ranger Danger

fight the raccoons at Raccoon Creek ten years ago.

They also have a bunch of high tech satellite equipment or something.

High tech satellite equipment or something?

That's them!

I couldn't figure out Social Media and this dude

works on the train and he's from ten years ago, too!

O-M-G smiley face.

O-M-G indeed!

Get me the location of the Holiday Express.

Roger that, General!

Who sent the Social Media message?

Well, it was sent to me by the train porter on the Holiday Express who goes by Double A,

but it was actually my friend Ty Smallwood.

Smallwood?

Why does that name sound so familiar?

We fought the raccoons together at Raccoon Creek

before you had him locked up for underage drinking.

Oh! Right.

Come on! Pump that juice, baby!

What is the closest air base to the Holiday Express?

Probably our secret Appalachian base, sir.

Great! Let's get some planes to go after that train, hm?

Sir! There's over 100 innocent people on that train.

I know. But this country's gonna be split in two

if this small dick kid can't stop these raccoons

Scramble the fighters.

Yes, sir!

General, I really like where your head is at.

We can wipe out Danger, the Smallwood kid

and a bunch of raccoons all at once.

Shut the fuck up, Mr. Secretary!

We're in this mess because of you.

Now get your bureaucratic ass the hell out of here.

Move!

Oh, and you're fired!

Why the hell did I get back on this train?

There it is!

Let's hit it!

Sorry about your small dick friend, missy.

As I learned ten years ago,

college kids and raccoons just don't mix.

Have a tendency to make pretty girls like you just disappear.

The raccoons chewed off my balls ten years ago.

You're gonna have to do a lot better than that to get a rise out of me.

Jones, leave her alone.

You wouldn't want to piss off her small dick boyfriend again.

He's not my boyfriend.

Yeah, he's not her boyfriend.

Besides, small dick is dead.

Oh, yeah? Did you see his body?

Because, you know,

that's kind of why we're all here.

Presumption is the father of all boo-boos.

Well, he might be dead,

he might be alive, but there's no way he's on this train.

And there's no way he's getting back on this train

in some crazy, unrealistic fashion!

Okay! Just get me on the back of the train

then you go for help!

Do it, Ty! I'll meet ya again later down the line.

Okay, Tuck. I'm going to do it!

That's it, baby!

Hendrix! Hendrix!

Get me an evacuation order for Denver.

Just the bunker, sir?

What about the city?

Oh, forget the city, they're all stoned!

They'll freak out.

Hey, Independence Whorehouse?

Yeah, it's Tom.

Can I get extra happy endings tonight?

I should've just lived in the woods.

Drop the tiny machine gun, chubby!

Well, I gotta hand it to ya.

You college kids sure did give us a run for our money.

Hey, I'm not in college, man.

Oh, I'm sorry! Was that not sensitive?

Was that not PC?

Oh, it was very PC.

As in pretty clear you're gonna die, dickhead.

Ain't that right, brother?

I'm dead for real now.

Damn, that was dope, bro!

Let's go kick some more coon ass!

Great! Praise Allah to you too.

All right, boys, we've got a gazillion dollars

waiting for us in the Bahamas.

We just gotta catch a ride off of here

and blow the shit out of Denver!

Stay tuned for this country being fucked right in half.

Arrangements have been made for everyone to get picked up

in long black cars in Washington.

Long black cars and fire trucks and ambulances.

There's a common axiom which every good camper knows.

When in doubt, take the shortcut.

Looks like things are about to get a little off track.

Wait, the old logging factory isn't on the same side it usually is.

We usually go around this town on the other side.

We're not even on the right tracks to Washington.

Jesus! It looks like we're headed to Washington, all right.

The Washington Canyon.

The bridge is out and we're headed straight for it.

If we don't stop this thing, everyone's gonna die.

Wait, you're not going to let

these raccoons screw you over again, are you?

No.

Not this time.

That's the Washington Canyon.

It's been a dead end on the tracks for years.

Unfortunately, they're headed right for it.

Can we contact them?

Not as long as they're in for a dark Christmas in the dark.

There's no reception up there,

especially at night.

Come in, Independence.

We are approaching the target.

- General Negligence? - Yes, sir?

Authorize the planes to fire.

Yes, sir.

Roger that. We're going in!

Sweet mother of shit, forgive us.

There's something coming in.

What? They found us?

Because of Tom fucking small cock?

Can't you just shoot it down with the satellite?

Shitsnakes, no! I can't do that.

I got PEN15 locked on Denver.

Wait a minute.

If the planes are slow enough, I could target them.

There they are.

See? Told ya you could shoot it down.

That's why I said that.

Shh!

We're the good guys.

I'm sorry, Mr. Raccoon. I was just touching up my boobies.

Titties?

Breasteseses.

Shitsnakes, Mr. Pilot.

Where are all the passengers?

They must be on the passenger car.

Let's double team it in the rear!

They shot down one of the planes!

Son of a bitch!

Goddamn Smallwood!

I've got the target on lock.

Ready to fire on your command.

Shitsnakes times two.

Get me the President!

Hello? A raccoon weapons program?

Cut the program, put it into school lunches,

Where's the bunker? I'm on my way.

Jane! Slippers!

Ranger Rick Danger.

Tom Smallwood?

It's Ty. I'm coming for Darlene

and then I'm coming for you and your raccoons.

You better hurry or these raccoons are going to do to her

what they did to her sister.

Ya! Gotta keep 'em separated!

Double A, what are you doing?

I'm coming with you to finish this!

Ready to be a warrior, huh?

Hell, yeah! I learned from the best.

Oh, my golly, we're free!

Oh, my golly, I can use my smartphone!

Hey, hey, hey

No one else can have this story, this is Dick Weener's story.

No one else can have a smartphone!

Ow!

Ow! An electric shock I can't fuck with!

You stupid old broad, you've ruined my career!

Amen to that, Dick!

Now, I'm gonna assume we haven't seen the Doc in a while

because he went for a brisk walk or something.

Are you sure you can handle Tom Small Dick?

Can I handle him?

Skippy? You're my number one...

raccoon!

Now you think I can handle him?

Go get 'em.

I'd take you boys over Charlie any day!

Who the hell is that?

It's Tuck! Get on there and help him jerk that thing off.

What?

I mean, you know, help him pump it!

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna get Darlene.

Attention Ranger Rick Danger!

You've got yourself a warrior problem

and it ain't you and him.

Jeff Tuck? I thought you were dead for real,

you old crackhead!

Looks like two can play at that game, Danger.

Presumptions are the father of all boo-boos.

Pippy! Go get Kent State on that hippie!

Come on, man! Get that thing closer.

Huh?

Oh, boy!

Ha-ha! There ya go!

Whoo! That's it, baby!

All right, Ty. Best Christmas Eve ever.

I'll worry about Tyler little dick.

You worry about splitting this country in two.

Got it?

Not gonna lie, Jones. You're going a little crazy.

You, you want a tranquilizer or something?

No.

Bullets. I need bullets.

Okay. As long as my Santa satellites keep the U.S. military

busy long enough, I'll blow up Denver without you.

Have fun killing drunk college kids.

I've got a country to split in two

and a gazillion dollars to pick up in the Bahamas.

Looks like this is gonna take some super strength.

Howdy, warrior! You know how to pump it?

Oh, yeah. I've been to prison.

Great, the President is pissed!

Which means we

and the American public are fucked!

Can't let you go anywhere.

You're my little hostage.

You know, a lot of dumb college kids

died on that campground ten years ago.

The fact this Smallwood kid didn't

kinda makes me respect him.

He really is a brave motherfucker.

You know, I do remember you.

And I sure hope you know what you're doing, small dick.

Or else your little girlfriend here is gonna die,

just like her sister.

I'm not his girlfriend.

Yeah, she's not my girlfriend.

I lost my virginity to her sister ten years ago,

while she was being killed by a raccoon.

Holy shit!

That's how my sister died?

Uh, yeah, I was gonna, I was gonna...

Ye... I was gonna tell you, but some things came up.

And I'm-I'm sorry.

You might be able to take out a bunch of raccoons,

but can you fight a real man?

Hang on to that grenade, sugar tits.

You might need it later.

Ugh! You are so the patriarchy.

Not bad, small dick. But you know what they say.

It's not the size, it's how you use it.

Goddamn!

Bring it on, you furry fuck!

Harder!

Harder! Harder! Harder! Harder!

Goddamn!

I actually don't have balls.

Uh, the raccoons gnawed 'em off.

Where'd you learn this, the NYPD?

No. Raccoon Creek Campground, motherfucker!

I'm dead, for real.

Later on.

Don't drop that.

Come on.

Well, I'm going to presume everything is just fine back there.

I hope you're all having a happy Christmas Eve!

Independence isn't what it used to be, but then again,

this whole country isn't about to be what it used to be.

As long as I've got my golden VHS tape,

inside this here VCR, that's all I need.

Now if you excuse me,

I must dis-board this train

before it makes a stop inside of Washington Canyon.

Wait, if you keep moving, I'll just drop this grenade.

Kill us all.

Well, shitsnakes.

Go ahead!

Still no response to our abort shriek command codes, sir!

What the hell are shriek command codes?

Oh, Tom Smallwood.

Shooting me won't do anything.

The U.S. military can't get past my Santa satellites

and you can't stop my high tech VHS programming.

Seriously? There's nothing I can do to shut that thing down?

Nope! You might as well just drop that gun right now.

Fuck! I'm sorry, Darlene.

Looks like I failed again.

Just like I failed your sister.

Access to PEN15 restored!

We have regained control of PEN15, sir!

Shitsnakes! Didn't think of that one.

Sorry, daddy.

Kill it!

What's this? An end that's dead for real?

Good God! Now I'm dead for real!

Okay, stop pumping.

It won't stop!

Oh, boy.

Uh, everybody jump!

Woah!

Tom teeny peeny!

Ranger Danger?

You haven't won yet, small dick.

You dumb college kids will never again

laugh at the name of Ranger Rick Danger.

Shitsnakes! I'm dead for real now, daddy!

Coon-bye-yah, motherfucker!

Looks like you bit off exactly what you could choo-choo.

Nice going, warrior.

I knew you could do it. You're not a winner.

You're not a loser. And you're not a Casey.

You're a Ty.

Thanks, kid.

Hey, guys, look this is really all heartwarming, but what the fuck is that?

Ring-tailed rodent piece of shit!

Your dead sister would be proud.

Whoa, whoa. You sure you know how to use that thing?

I think I got the hang of it.

Hey, you boys gonna eat this?

It's all yours!

Woo-whee! Gonna be a good Christmas dinner this year!

Smartphone!

Get me the secret military base in Independence.

Generals, there's a message coming in

I'll patch it through.

Hello, Independence?

This is Casey Sm... This is Ty.

Ty Smallwood.

His last name means small penis either way.

Ranger Danger and his cronies are dead for real now.

The raccoons have been destroyed and the hostages are safe.

Come on, open! Open up, you son of a bitch, open!

All right, what the hell is going on? You woke me up!

Mr. President, it all worked out.

Well, that's good, because it's Christmas.

Yeah! Yeah!

♪ Hark the herald angels sing

♪ Glory to the newborn king

♪ Peace on Earth...

It's good to have you back, Ty.

It's good to be back.

Hey, I really enjoyed fighting raccoons with you

and I know that I lost my virginity

to your dead sister ten years ago,

but I was wondering if you'd wanna hang out sometime?

I mean, I don't know if you're into older guys.

Uh, I actually am into older guys.

Oh, cool, really?

Yeah, but like, much older.

In fact, I kinda met someone.

- What's up, bro? - Tuck?

It's always an honor to fight raccoons alongside a warrior like you.

Next time you need me, I'll always pop up.

Uh, sure, yeah.

So, uh, you ever get high in a tree before?

Uh, no. But that sounds pretty awesome.

Far out! Merry Christmas, brother.

Merry Christmas, you guys.

What about you, Shelley?

Do you have plans tonight?

Oh, yeah.

With everything that's happened,

Double A and I have gotten a lot closer,

and we've decided to take our professional relationship

to a more personal level.

Thanks for everything, warrior.

Yes, God bless us, everyone.

.Merry Christmas, you guys!

Well, Janine,

turns out you were always the only girl for me.

Looks like it's just us again.

Yep, just us.

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