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>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT AS
"JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE," WITH GUEST
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00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:11,411
HOST, SEAN HAYES.
TONIGHT, JASON BATEMAN, AND OUR
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HEALTH CARE HERO OF THE WEEK.
AND NOW, SEAN HAYES.
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>> PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA,
TV, PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA,
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TV ‐‐ OH SORRY, JUST DOING MY
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WARM UP EXERCISES.
HI, I'M SEAN HAYES LIVE AND
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WELCOME TO "JIMMY KIMMEL."
I'M YOUR GUEST HOST FOR THE
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00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,868
EVENING, BUT I'M PROBABLY BEST
KNOWN AS "THE CHARACTER FROM
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00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:38,772
'WILL & GRACE' THAT EVEN YOUR
HOMOPHOBIC GRANDMA LOVED."
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00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:42,175
NOW I KNOW I'M JUST YOUR
SUBSTITUTE FOR THE NIGHT, BUT I
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00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:43,577
EXPECT YOU TO BEHAVE JUST LIKE
YOU WOULD IF YOUR REGULAR HOST
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00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:47,648
WERE HERE.
SO, TURN DOWN THE VOLUME AND
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00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:51,919
START HUMPIN'.
I'M SO EXCITED TO BE DOING THIS.
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00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:55,255
I'LL NEVER FORGET WHEN JIMMY
CALLED MY AGENT ABOUT THIS GIG.
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00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:57,424
MY AGENT SAID "THERE'S NO WAY IN
HELL ADAM DRIVER WILL DO THIS,
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00:00:57,424 --> 00:01:04,898
BUT I ALSO REPRESENT SEAN HAYES."
AND I WANT TO TAKE A SECOND TO
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SAY HI TO MY HUSBAND WHO'S BACK
AT HOME SUPPORTING ME RIGHT NOW.
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HI, SCOTTY, I LOVE YOU.
AND IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT
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00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:14,508
TOUCHING THE HORSE PUZZLE
WITHOUT ME, I'LL SUFFOCATE YOU
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IN YOUR SLEEP.
NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HAVING FUN,
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I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
THAT WILL RUIN YOUR MONTH.
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IT TURNS OUT THAT CORONAVIRUS
MIGHT BE SPREAD THROUGH AIR
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CONDITIONING.
EXPERTS SAY AC CAN SPREAD
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CORONAVIRUS "BY CREATING STRONG
AIR CURRENTS THAT CAN MOVE THE
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DROPLETS AND CONTRIBUTE TO
INCREASED RISK."
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THIS IS WHY I STAY COOL THE OLD
FASHIONED WAY, BY GETTING DRUNK
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AND FALLING DOWN A WELL.
WOW, REMEMBER 2019 WHEN AIR
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CONDITIONERS WERE ONLY KILLING
US BY MELTING POLAR ICE CAPS AND
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FALLING OUT OF APARTMENT WINDOWS?
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THAT WAS QUAINT, WASN'T IT?
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REMEMBER HA?
I WILL SAY THIS, IF GIANT
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WIND‐BLOWING FANS ARE TO BLAME,
WE MAY NEED TO QUARANTINE
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BEYONCE FOR ANOTHER YEAR.
SHE HAS ABOUT 70 HORSEPOWER ON
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HER AT ALL TIMES.
DURING QUARANTINE, WE SHOULD ALL
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BE READING MORE, ESPECIALLY OUR
KIDS.
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BUT GROWING UP AS A GAY KID IN
THE SUBURBS OF CHICAGO, I DIDN'T
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HAVE MANY BOOKS THAT SPOKE TO ME.
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I MEAN, "CURIOUS GEORGE" WAS NOT
CURIOUS ABOUT THE SAME THINGS I
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WAS, AND OF COURSE, "WHERE'S
WALDO."
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WHO WANTS TO FIND THAT GUY?
HE'S GOT GLASSES AND A PASSPORT.
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THAT NERD CAN FIND HIMSELF.
SO TO HELP OUT KIDS LIKE ME WHO
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WANT TO READ, I'M LAUNCHING MY
NEW BOOK SERIES "WHERE'S CHER?"
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YOU AND YOUR GAY FAMILY CAN
LOCATE THE OSCAR‐WINNING
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SUPERSTAR IN A NUMBER OF
EXCITING ENVIRONMENTS.
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OK, FIRST LET'S FIND CHER AT THE
BEACH. KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED.
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I'M NOT SURE WHAT CHER WEARS TO
THE BEACH, BUT I GUARANTEE IT
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WOULD BLOW WALDO'S MIND.
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THERE CHER IS.
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN, HEAD‐TO‐TOE
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BOB MACKIE. GOOD WORK, EVERYONE.
OKAY, NEXT PAGE. THE AIRPORT.
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CHER IS PROBABLY IN A RUSH TO
GET BACK TO MALIBU, SO WE HAVE
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TO ACT QUICKLY.
WHERE COULD SHE BE? FOUND HER.
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SHE'S STUCK IN LINE.
CHER'S FLYING COACH?
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HER POOR MANAGER'S GOING TO GET
AN EARFUL.
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ISN'T THIS SO MUCH MORE FUN THAN
LOOKING FOR WALDO AND HIS RABID
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DOG?
FINALLY, LET'S FIND CHER AT THE
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CARNIVAL.
AND DON'T PRETEND CHER WOULDN'T
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GO TO A CARNIVAL.
IF YOU REMEMBER "GYPSIES, TRAMPS
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AND THIEVES," CHER WAS BORN IN
THE WAGON OF A TRAVELLING SHOW.
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THIS IS HER ORIGIN STORY.
THIS IS A TOUGH ONE.
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WOULD CHER ENJOY A
MERRY‐GO‐ROUND?
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TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, I'VE
PONDERED THIS QUESTION BEFORE.
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THERE CHER IS ‐‐ WAIT, THAT'S
NOT CHER. IT'S WALDO, AS A CHER
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IMPERSONATOR.
HANG IT UP, WALDO, YOU CAN'T
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PULL IT OFF. THERE SHE IS.
SOAKED IN THE BACK OF A LOG
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FLUME, AND DOING A TERRIBLE JOB
OF SOCIAL DISTANCING.
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AT LEAST PUT ON A MASK, CHER.
DON'T YOU LOVE TO READ?
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THIS IS FUN.
IT'S A CLIP OF SOME CONSTRUCTION
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WORKERS, PULLING A CABLE OUT OF
THE GROUND. OR SO IT APPEARS.
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ACTUALLY, I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
CAN WE TURN UP THE SOUND?
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HEY JOE, TONY, HELP ME WITH THIS
CABLE. IT'S SO BIG.
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IT SURE IS FRANK.
ALL THREE OF US NEED TO USE OUR
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RIPPLING THIGHS TO GET IT OUT OF
THIS HOLE. YEAH, YEAH.
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SORRY, I'VE BEEN QUARANTINED A
LONG TIME.
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YOU KNOW, THERE'S SO MUCH
MISINFORMATION REGARDING
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CORONAVIRUS AND IT'S HARD TO
KNOW WHO TO TRUST FOR HONEST AND
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ACCURATE MEDICAL INFORMATION.
WELL, YOU SHOULD TRUST DOCTORS.
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LIKE ME, DOCTOR SEAN, BECAUSE
I'M NOT JUST ANY DOCTOR.
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I'M AN HONORARY DOCTOR.
SEE, ILLINOIS STATE UNIVERSITY,
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THE SCHOOL I DROPPED OUT OF EVEN
THOUGH IT'S ONE OF THE BEST FINE
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ARTS SCHOOLS IN THE MIDWEST,
GAVE ME AN HONORARY DOCTORATE,
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WHICH MEANS I AM QUALIFIED TO
ANSWER ALL OF THE MOST COMMON
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QUESTIONS ABOUT THE VIRUS.
SO IT'S TIME NOW FOR "DOCTOR
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SEAN'S COVID CORNER."
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HELLO.
FIRST, THE MOST HOTLY DEBATED
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QUESTION RIGHT NOW IS: SHOULD I
WEAR A MASK?
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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES, AND
HERE'S WHY.
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IN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY, WE
KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THE
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CORONAVIRUS IS ATTRACTED TO
MUSTACHES, BOTH MEN'S AND
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WOMEN'S.
IF YOU'RE WEARING A MASK, THE
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COVID BEETLES CAN'T BUILD THEIR
NESTS AND POISON YOUR
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BLOODSTREAM WITH THEIR FECES.
MAKES SENSE? THOUGHT SO.
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OK, HERE'S ONE PEOPLE ASK A LOT,
HOW IMPORTANT IS HAND WASHING?
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FREQUENT HAND WASHING IS
CRITICAL.
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THE MORE FREQUENT, THE BETTER.
WHY?
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BECAUSE THE VIRUS IS CREEPED OUT
BY OCD.
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IF YOU WASH YOUR HANDS EVERY
FIVE MINUTES, THE VIRUS WILL BE
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ALL "GET ME AWAY FROM THIS
FREAK."
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SO WASH YOUR HANDS, ALPHABETIZE
YOUR CONDIMENTS, MAKE SURE YOU
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HAVE AN EVEN NUMBER OF COAT
HANGERS, THEN TREAT YOURSELF TO
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00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:51,918
FOUR YELLOW SKITTLES.
HERE'S ONE I SEE ONLINE
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SOMETIMES, CAN I GET CORONAVIRUS
FROM DRINKING CORONA BEER?
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THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS.
YOU CANNOT GET CORONAVIRUS FROM
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DRINKING CORONA BEER.
THEY'RE JUST SIMILAR SOUNDING
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WORDS.
ALTHOUGH EATING CLAMS DOES GIVE
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YOU CHLAMYDIA.
THIS ONE IS ABOUT SYMPTOMS, DOES
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CORONAVIRUS REALLY MAKE YOU LOSE
YOUR SENSE OF TASTE?
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YES, THAT'S TRUE.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST TASTE IN FOOD.
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YOU LOSE YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC,
MOVIES, AND HOME DECOR.
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WE FOUND OUT MY COUSIN WAS SICK
WHEN SHE STARTED LISTENING TO
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CHUMBAWUMBA AND CARPETED HER
UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.
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THAT WAS ROUGH.
AND THE LAST QUESTION IS, WHAT
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IF I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A MASK?
THAT'S EASY.
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IF EVERYONE WORE MASKS FOR
4‐6 WEEKS, WE COULD CONTROL THIS
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PANDEMIC, BECAUSE THE REAL
PROBLEM IS PEOPLE BREATHING ON
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EACH OTHER.
SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO WEAR A
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MASK, FINE, JUST DON'T BREATHE
FOR FOUR‐ SIX WEEKS.
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IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR BRAIN WAS
GETTING OXYGEN BEFORE.
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TRUST ME, I'M DOCTOR SEAN.
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>> TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE'LL
HONOR OUR HEALTHCARE HERO OF THE
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WEEK, AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK
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WITH JASON BATEMAN.
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♪
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I'M STILL DEAD INSIDE.
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♪
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>>> WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY
KIMMEL LIVE," I'M YOUR HOST FOR
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THE EVENING, SEAN HAYES.
IN JUST A LITTLE BIT, WE WILL
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SALUTE OUR HEALTHCARE HERO OF
THE WEEK.
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BUT FIRST, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A
VERY TALENTED ACTOR, AND GREAT
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FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS THE
SWEETEST, FUNNIEST, SMARTEST
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FELLAS I KNOW.
HE AND I, ALONG WITH OUR GOOD
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PAL WILL ARNETT HOST THE
JUST‐HATCHED PODCAST CALLED
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"SMARTLESS," WHICH YOU CAN
LISTEN TO FOR FREE ON APPLE
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PODCASTS.
PLEASE WELCOME AMERICA'S
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00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:50,737
SWEETHEART JASON BATEMAN.
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>> OH, YOU KNOW, I'LL GLADLY
TAKE THAT THRONE FROM SANDY
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00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:05,085
DUNCAN. SHE WAS ALWAYS AMERICA'S
SWEETHEART, I HAD THE GOOD FORNG
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00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:10,590
F FORTUNE OF WORKING WITH HER.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT
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00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:16,329
SWEETHEART. LOOK AT YOU.
YOU LOOK GORGEOUS THERE.
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THIS IS THE GUEST HOST VERSION
OF SEAN HAYES.
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FIRST OF ALL, DID THEY RENT YOU
THAT HAIR?
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>> IT'S AN ACTUAL HELMET.
IT PEELS OFF.
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IT'S ACTUALLY TAPED ON.
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>> AND THE SUIT AND THE SET
BEHIND YOU.
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>> IT'S INCREDIBLE.
THIS IS MY HOUSE.
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00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:41,988
NO, PLEASE PROMISE ME AND TELL
ME THAT YOU HAVE THOSE PANTS ON
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00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:43,923
THAT I LOVE SO MUCH.
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00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:47,560
>> YOU MEAN MY COVID UNIFORM?
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>> PLAID.
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>> YEAH, THOSE ARE MY PJs, AND
THIS IS MY.
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00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:53,600
>> PICNIC TABLE COVER.
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>> IN A PINCH, YEAH.
SO, IF YOU'RE SNACKY, JUST LOOK
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00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:01,074
FOR MY KNEES.
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>> SO.
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00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:04,344
>> BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT.
ARE WE STILL ROLLING?
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00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:05,712
CAN WE GO BACK?
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> WAIT, YOU REALLY ARE ONE OF
THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE I'VE EVER
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00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,988
KNOWN.
LISTEN, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW WE
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00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:15,588
FIRST MET?
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00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:18,758
>> I'M GONNA LET YOU TELL THIS
STORY.
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00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:22,328
AMERICA, THAT'S THE WAY YOU
AVOID HURTING SOMEBODY'S
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00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:23,430
FEELINGS, WHEN YOU DON'T
REMEMBER.
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00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:29,636
>> I THINK I ACTUALLY MET YOU
THROUGH WILL ARNETT ABOUT 20
164
00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:33,006
YEARS AGO WHEN WE USED TO PLAY
POKER TOGETHER.
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00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:35,208
>> WAS IT KYLE'S POKER GAME?
166
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:39,212
>> YES, HOW FUN WAS THAT?
EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT, I BROUGHT
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00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,915
THE PIZZA, YOU REMEMBER THAT?
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00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:46,052
>> AS PEOPLE CAN RELATE, AT A
POKER NIGHT, YOU USUALLY ARE NOT
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00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:49,756
GOING TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
I'M SO HAPPY I MET YOU THAT
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00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,724
NIGHT.
WHAT ABOUT THE FRIENDSHIP THAT
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00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:52,592
BLOSSOMED FROM THERE.
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00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:58,765
>> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
YOU'VE BEEN DOING TALK SHOWS
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00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:02,535
SINCE YOUR FAMILY FORTUNCED YOU
INTO THE BUSINESS AFTER THE
174
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,571
DELIVERY ROOM.
175
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:10,477
>> YEAH, DELIVERY WAS MUCH MORE
EX‐PE EXPENSIVE BACK THEN.
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00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:13,513
>> I WOULD LIKE TO RUN DOWN A
LIST OF QUESTIONS THAT HOPEFULLY
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00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:17,484
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ASKED BEFORE.
I KNOW YOU, BUT SOME THINGS I
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00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:19,185
STILL DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
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00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:19,586
>> YES.
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00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:24,557
>> IN 1994, YOU CO‐STARRED IN A
MOVIE WITH KATHARINE HEPBURN.
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00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:29,662
WHAT WAS THE FILTHIEST THING SHE
EVER SAID OR DID TO YOU?
182
00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:33,833
>> WELL, THERE WASN'T ANYTHING
FILTHY THAT SHE SAID OR DID, BUT
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00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:37,871
THERE WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS
SORT OF FILTHY LOOKING THAT
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00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:40,540
WASN'T AFTER YOU KIND OF FIND
OUT ABOUT IT.
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00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:46,546
SHE DOESN'T, SHE WORE REEBOK
HIGH TOPS 100% OF THE TIME.
186
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:52,852
BUT, WHEN SHE HAD TO WEAR A
DRESSY OUTFIT, SHE WOULD SIMPLY
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00:10:52,852 --> 00:10:55,321
PULL BLACK SOCKS OVER THE TOP OF
THESE HIGH TOPS.
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00:10:55,321 --> 00:11:00,493
SO THAT WOULD SEEM FILTHY AND
GROSS KIND OF IN A WEIRD, IF
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00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,929
YOU'RE A SICKO LIKE ME, BUT ONCE
YOU UNDERSTOOD HER MADNESS, I
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00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:10,670
THOUGHT SHE JUST HAD HORRIBLY
SWOLLEN FEET.
191
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:14,541
>> JASON EYES UP HERE.
IS THAT WHAT IT WAS?
192
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:17,310
>> YEAH.
TO WORK WITH HER WAS SOMETHING
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00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:20,180
PRETTY REMARKABLE.
SHE DID TELL ME TO STOP ACTING
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00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:25,151
DURING ONE OF THE SCENES, SHE
DIDN'T MEAN AS A CAREER BUT IN
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00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:31,124
THAT PARTICULAR SCENE I WAS
DOING TOO MUCH.
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00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:34,027
>> IN TRUE BATEMAN FORM, I HAD
MORE QUESTIONS, BUT WE'RE GOING
197
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:37,263
TO MOVE ON.
ARE YOU AWARE, CO‐HOST THAT WE
198
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:41,968
ARE NUMBER SEVEN TODAY AS OF
APPLE PODCAST, WHICH IS ONE
199
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:42,202
EPISODE.
200
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:47,373
>> VERY, VERY EXCITING AND
HUMBLING AND LET'S GET TO NUMBER
201
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:51,711
ONE, DAMN IT, AFTER THIS SHOW.
COME ON, AMERICA.
202
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:56,015
>> NOW TELL ME WHAT'S ONE OF THE
MOST FASCINATING, INTERESTING
203
00:11:56,015 --> 00:12:00,520
THINGS ABOUT OUR FIRST EPISODE,
WHICH WE INTERVIEW DAX SHEPHERD
204
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,989
FOR, ANYTHING YOU WANT TO RECALL?
205
00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:09,929
>> LEARNING THAT HE GRADUATED
SU
206
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:17,036
SUMMA CUM LAUDE, AND THAT WILL
IS EVEN A MORE COLD‐HEARTED
207
00:12:17,036 --> 00:12:20,173
[ BLEEP ] THAN A NEW BABY BOY, I
208
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:24,143
THINK HE WAS NOT YET FULLY DONE
GIVING BIRTH TO THE CHILD, MAYBE
209
00:12:24,143 --> 00:12:29,882
SHE HAD JUST FINISHED.
HE LEFT THE HOSPITAL AND GOT TO
210
00:12:29,882 --> 00:12:33,219
HIS HOUSE TO RECORD THE VERY
FIRST EPISODE, I DON'T THINK
211
00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:36,689
THEY HAD YET CUT THE CORD.
I THINK HE RETURNED AFTER THE
212
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,792
EPISODE TO CUT THE CORD.
ANYTHING FOR A GIG, THIS GUY.
213
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:43,763
>> I DON'T THINK IT'S STILL CUT.
I THINK IT'S STILL ON THERE.
214
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:49,002
>> OH, GOSH, YEAH, NO, HE'S VERY
COMMITTED TO THE SHOW, MORE SO
215
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,204
THAN HIS FAMILY, AND WE LOVE HIM
FOR IT.
216
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:55,275
>> WE, DO AND I HAVE TO CUT US
OFF BEFORE WE GET TOO BORING
217
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,344
LIKE WE ARE IN OUR PODCAST.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
218
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:01,981
HERE, AND I'M SO GLAD THAT WE'RE
WORKING TOGETHER ON A PROJECT.
219
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,250
I FEEL VERY, VERY FULFILLED.
220
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:06,586
>> LOVE YOU, SEAN HAYES.
221
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:09,922
>> LOVE YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OUR
222
00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:14,027
HEALTH CARE HERO OF THE WEEK.
223
00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:20,767
♪
224
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,936
>> WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE." I'M JIMMY'S SEAT FILLER,
225
00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:26,039
SEAN HAYES.
OUR HEALTHCARE HERO TONIGHT
226
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:29,509
COMES TO US ALL THE WAY FROM
SANTA MARIA, CALIFORNIA.
227
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:34,447
PLEASE WELCOME NURSE
LUCIO ARGUIJO.
228
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:37,483
>> HI!
229
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:42,488
>> LUCIO, DID I SAY THAT RIGHT?
230
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:48,828
>> YES. I'M SUCH A BIG FAN.
WILL & GRACE.
231
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,830
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
WHAT IS THE SITUATION AT YOUR
232
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,933
HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW?
233
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:58,771
>> SINCE THE STATE OPENED UP, WE
HAVE TO MOVE INTO NEW SPACES,
234
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,874
BUT WE'RE DOING GOOD.
235
00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:07,580
>> YOU GUYS SLEEP LIKE, HOW
OFTEN, HOW LONG IS YOUR SHIFT?
236
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:11,284
>> WE WORK 12 HOURS, BUT
DEFINITELY, SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO
237
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:15,788
WORK A LITTLE OVERTIME BECAUSE
IT'S CRAZY WITH ALL THE NUMBERS
238
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:16,556
GOING UP WITH COVID.
239
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:20,159
>> I WORK AS LONG AS THAT, I
WORK TWO HOURS.
240
00:14:20,159 --> 00:14:23,796
BUT IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, I
HEARD ALL YOU'RE GOING THROUGH,
241
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,933
I HEARD YOUR WEDDING PLANS GOT
POSTPONED, IS THAT RIGHT?
242
00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:30,436
>> YEAH, I MEAN, WE WANTED TO GO
TRAVELING THIS YEAR, WHICH
243
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:33,573
DIDN'T HAPPEN, WE WANTED TO GET
MARRIED THIS YEAR, WE'RE LIVING
244
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:36,175
WITH MY PARENTS RIGHT NOW,
ACTUALLY, SO.
245
00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:37,377
>> HOW'S THAT GOING?
246
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,078
>> UM, IT'S OKAY.
247
00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:41,547
>> OKAY.
SO THEY'RE GOING TO WATCH US AND
248
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:42,315
LOVE THAT RESPONSE.
249
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:45,785
>> OH, YEAH. I LOVE THEM.
I LOVE THEM. THEY'RE AMAZING.
250
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:49,989
>> I LOVE THEM, TOO.
AND I'D LOVE TO MEET YOUR
251
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:51,724
FIANCE, IAN, IS HE THERE?
252
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:56,696
>> SO THIS IS IAN.
253
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:56,996
>> HI, SEAN.
254
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,164
>> HI, IAN, HOW ARE YOU?
255
00:14:58,164 --> 00:15:00,533
>> I'M GOOD.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
256
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,770
>> NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO.
GUYS, I HAVE A PROPOSAL FOR BOTH
257
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:04,570
OF YOU.
258
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:05,104
>> OKAY.
259
00:15:05,104 --> 00:15:10,276
>> I HAVE SOME FREE TIME BELIEVE
IT OR NOT DURING QUARANTINE AND
260
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:13,646
DECIDED TO GET ORDAINED AS AN
INTERNET MINISTER, AND IF YOU
261
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:17,850
WANTED, I COULD MARRY YOU TWO
RIGHT NOW WITH AMERICA AS YOUR
262
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,186
WITNESS, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
263
00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:20,420
>> OKAY.
264
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:24,924
>> THANK GOD YOU SAID YES,
BECAUSE WHEN I HAD THIS IDEA
265
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:30,129
YESTERDAY, I OVERNIGHTED A
WOODEN BOX TO YOUR HOUSE JUST IN
266
00:15:30,129 --> 00:15:31,397
CASE.
SO GO AHEAD AND OPEN THAT RIGHT
267
00:15:31,397 --> 00:15:32,131
NOW.
268
00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:32,532
>> OKAY.
269
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:36,536
>> OPEN IT UP MANY.
270
00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:37,003
>> AH. NO!
271
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:39,372
>> KEEP OPENING.
KEEP OPENING.
272
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:39,572
>> NO!
273
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,175
>> KEEP GOING.
274
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:46,212
>> OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.
275
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:47,547
>> AREN'T THOSE BEAUTIFUL?
276
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,683
>> OH, MY GOD, THESE ARE
GORGEOUS.
277
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,586
>> I GOT THEM IN FOR FREE.
NO, I DIDN'T.
278
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:58,491
I PAID A FORTUNE FOR THEM.
WE'VE GOT THE DREAM RINGS AND
279
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:03,563
THE DREAMY MINISTER. LET'S DO IT.
READY?
280
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:07,533
DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED
HERE TODAY IN ACCORDANCE WITH
281
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:13,105
STRICT CDC GUIDELINES TO JOIN
LUCIO AND IAN IN MATRIMONY.
282
00:16:13,105 --> 00:16:17,510
THEY MET SIX YEARS AGO IN HAWAII
ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT WHERE THEY
283
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,645
COINCIDENTLY WERE BOTH DRESSED
AS CATS.
284
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:24,417
YEAH, ONE WAS JUDI DENCH AND THE
OTHER TAYLOR SWIFT, RIGHT?
285
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:30,456
THEY GOT ENGAGED IN 2018 BUT
DECIDED TO WAIT TWO YEARS UNTIL
286
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:33,459
THE WORLDCO CALMED DOWN A LITTL
SO THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.
287
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:42,101
IF I COULD GIVE YOU ONE PIECE OF
288
00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:48,107
ADVICE, GUICE, IYS, NEVER GO TO
ANGRY. NOW TIME FOR THE VOWS.
289
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:52,812
PLEASE PLACE YOUR RINGS ON ONE
ANOTHER'S FINGERS, YEAH, NICE.
290
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:56,983
LUCIO AND IAN, DO YOU BOTH
PROMISE TO LOVE, HONOR AND
291
00:16:56,983 --> 00:17:00,686
CHERISH ONE ANOTHER, TO LAUGH
TOGETHER AND CRY TOGETHER AND TO
292
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:04,757
NEVER, EVER, EVER TURN OFF THE
293
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:10,997
KARAOKE MACHINE WHEN MARIAH
CAREY'S "HERO " COMES ON?
294
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:11,430
>> I DO.
295
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,899
>> I DO.
296
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:17,236
>> I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MARRIED.
YOU MAY NOW KISS.
297
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:20,640
ENJOY YOUR HONEYMOON IN THE
GARAGE. CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS.
298
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,174
ROSE PETALS FOR YOU. SO COOL!
299
00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:22,975
>> THANK YOU.
300
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:24,010
>> THANK YOU.
301
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:28,014
>> AND LUCIO, WE HAVE ONE MORE
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
302
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:31,851
IN THE SPIRIT OF SPREADING
OPTIMISM, OUR FRIENDS AT LIFE IS
303
00:17:31,851 --> 00:17:35,755
GOOD WANT TO SEND YOU $10,000 TO
SPEND HOWEVER YOU'D LIKE.
304
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:39,025
THEIR NEW TEASE FOR THE TIMES
COLLECTION HIGHLIGHTS THE GOOD
305
00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:42,261
IN LIFE WHILE HONORING HEALTH
CARE HEROES LIKE YOURSELF.
306
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:47,400
THEY ARE ALSO GOING TO SEND GIFT
PACKAGES TO THE OTHER NURSES IN
307
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:51,337
YOUR UNIT TO HELP AND HONOR THEM.
308
00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:54,140
THANK YOU, AND THANK YOU TO LIFE
IS GOOD.
309
00:17:54,140 --> 00:18:01,714
AND TO SEND YOU TWO INTO A LIFE
OF WEDDED BLISS WE INVITED YOUR
310
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:05,117
FAVORITE MUSIC GUEST, CAM.
311
00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:06,586
>> WE LOVE YOUR NEW SONG!
312
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:10,790
>> I LOVE YOU!
I FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE A CLASSIC
313
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,925
LOVE.
I CAN SEE IT, THE WAY YOU'RE
314
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,962
LOOKING AT EACH OTHER, JUST
MAKES ME SO HAPPY.
315
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:25,071
SO WE'RE GOING TO SING FOR YOU.
316
00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:27,139
♪ SOME LUCKY SKY
317
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:29,475
♪ LEANIN' ON THE WALL OUTSIDE
318
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:32,845
♪ THEY DON'T MAKE'EM LIKE THAT
319
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:33,112
ANYMORE ♪
320
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:36,082
♪ I'M TALKIN' DOWN AT THE CORNER
321
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:36,449
STORE ♪
322
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:39,518
♪ SHUT THE LINES WHEN THEY CLOSE
323
00:18:39,518 --> 00:18:40,019
THEIR DOOR ♪
324
00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:42,254
♪ THEY DON'T MAKE'EM LIKE THAT
325
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:42,521
ANYMORE ♪
326
00:18:42,521 --> 00:18:50,463
♪ BUT YOU AND I ARE CLASSIC
327
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:50,863
♪ MM,
328
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:53,733
♪ BIG LIMO AND A PROM DATE
329
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:56,168
♪ AIN'T NOTHING NEW I'M WAITIN'
330
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:58,938
FOR, BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE'EM
LIKE THIS ANYMORE ♪
331
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:01,574
♪ I WANT TO HIT REWIND
332
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:04,677
♪ BABY
333
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:07,713
♪ TAKE OUR TIME
334
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:12,818
♪ I WANT TO HIT REWIND
335
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:13,119
♪ BABY
336
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:16,722
♪ AND TAKE OUR TIME
337
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:19,325
THEY DON'T MAKE'EM LIKE THIS
ANYMORE ♪
338
00:19:26,565 --> 00:19:26,766
♪
339
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:29,568
>> THAT IS ALL THE TIME WE HAVE
TONIGHT.
340
00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:32,672
I'D LIKE TO THANK JASON BATEMAN,
LUCIO AND IAN, CAM, AND MY
341
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,440
GUIDING LIGHT, JIMMY KIMMEL.
BE SURE TO CHECK OUT MY NEW
342
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,243
PODCAST, "SMARTLESS" WITH
JASON BATEMAN AND WILL ARNETT
343
00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:38,310
AVAILABLE NOW ON APPLE PODCASTS.
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT.
344
00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:43,082
TIME TO GO WASH MY HANDS UNTIL I
CRY. GOODNIGHT.
345
00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:43,249
♪
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