Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,426 --> 00:00:03,762
>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S
"JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE," WITH GUEST
2
00:00:03,762 --> 00:00:08,200
HOST, GEORGE LOPEZ, TONIGHT,
COUNTRY LEGEND WILLIE NELSON,
3
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:09,701
AND NOW, GEORGE LOPEZ.
4
00:00:09,701 --> 00:00:13,584
>> HELLO AND WELCOME TO
"JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE."
5
00:00:13,584 --> 00:00:17,168
I AM GEORGE LOPEZ.
JIMMY WANTED TO TAKE THE SUMMER
6
00:00:17,168 --> 00:00:20,438
OFF SO I AGREED TO GUEST HOST.
ONCE AGAIN, MEXICANS DOING JOBS
7
00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:22,740
THAT WHITE PEOPLE DON'T WANT.
I'M HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE
8
00:00:22,740 --> 00:00:26,210
LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
THIS IS HONESTLY JUST A WAY FOR
9
00:00:26,210 --> 00:00:28,880
ME TO KILL TIME BETWEEN MY ZOOM
YOGA CLASSES.
10
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:30,748
AND IT'S NICE FOR A MEXICAN TO
BE INVITED TO A MANSION IN
11
00:00:30,748 --> 00:00:33,384
HOLLYWOOD AND NOT HAVE TO TRIM
THE HEDGES.
12
00:00:33,384 --> 00:00:37,955
YOU KNOW WHAT I DID ACTUALLY?
I HIRED THE WHITEST GUY ON
13
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:39,991
TASKRABBIT TO COME CLEAN THIS
HOUSE.
14
00:00:39,991 --> 00:00:46,597
"YO, DON'T FORGET TO DUST THE
FAN BLADES, CHAD.
15
00:00:46,597 --> 00:00:49,367
I'LL HAVE YOU DEPORTED LIKE THAT
BACK TO NORWAY.
16
00:00:49,367 --> 00:00:51,369
I USED TO HOST A LATE NIGHT SHOW
MYSELF CALLED "LOPEZ TONIGHT."
17
00:00:51,369 --> 00:00:53,170
IT'S BEEN A FEW YEARS, BUT THEY
SAY HOSTING LATE NIGHT IS LIKE
18
00:00:53,170 --> 00:00:54,739
RIDING A BIKE.
WE DO IT BECAUSE WE'VE HAD TOO
19
00:00:54,739 --> 00:00:57,375
MANY DUIS.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF FUN
20
00:00:57,375 --> 00:01:00,077
HERE TONIGHT.
WELL, I KNOW I'M GOING TO HAVE A
21
00:01:00,077 --> 00:01:01,746
LOT OF FUN.
FOR ALL I KNOW YOU SAW MY HAIR
22
00:01:01,746 --> 00:01:03,614
AND CHANGED THE CHANNEL
10 SECONDS AGO.
23
00:01:03,614 --> 00:01:06,684
THIS HAIR IS SOMETHING NEW FOR
ME.
24
00:01:06,684 --> 00:01:09,420
I DECIDED 59 WAS THE PERFECT AGE
TO START LOOKING LIKE A
25
00:01:09,420 --> 00:01:13,658
WEST HOLLYWOOD BRUNCH WAITER.
I WENT TO MY BARBER AND SAID I
26
00:01:13,658 --> 00:01:14,759
WANT TO LOOK LIKE A CROSS
BETWEEN DANNY TREJO AND
27
00:01:14,759 --> 00:01:18,729
JUSTIN BIEBER.
BROWN SKIN AND BLOND HAIR.
28
00:01:18,729 --> 00:01:21,432
THIS IS WHAT WE IN THE LATINX
COMMUNITY CALL "HEDGING OUR
29
00:01:21,432 --> 00:01:24,335
BETS."
PEOPLE KEEP SAYING I REMIND THEM
30
00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:25,903
OF SOMEONE, AND I FINALLY
FIGURED IT OUT.
31
00:01:25,903 --> 00:01:33,678
I'M A CROSS BETWEEN
WALTER MARCADO, AND A TROLL DOLL.
32
00:01:33,678 --> 00:01:35,880
JUST SO YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T
ACTUALLY DYE MY HAIR.
33
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,749
I JUST GOT SCARED, BECAUSE THE
POSTMATES GUY SHOWED UP WITHOUT
34
00:01:38,749 --> 00:01:41,152
A MASK.
MAYOR GARCETTI JUST SAID THAT
35
00:01:41,152 --> 00:01:45,323
LOS ANGELES MAY FACE ANOTHER
STAY‐AT‐HOME ORDER.
36
00:01:45,323 --> 00:01:46,724
A SECOND LOCKDOWN.
HERE IN LA, WE'RE JUST CALLING
37
00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:52,530
IT A "REBOOT." FULLER HOUSE.
IF YOU'RE LIKE ME AND YOU DIDN'T
38
00:01:52,530 --> 00:01:55,366
BOTHER TO GET IN SHAPE FOR BEACH
SEASON, CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE
39
00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:58,769
A WINNER!
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR THAT
40
00:01:58,769 --> 00:02:01,339
RICH PEOPLE GET TO QUARANTINE IN
HUGE MANSIONS AND POOR PEOPLE
41
00:02:01,339 --> 00:02:03,541
HAVE TO DO IT IN TINY LITTLE
APARTMENTS.
42
00:02:03,541 --> 00:02:06,744
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE SECOND
TIME, WE SHOULD SWITCH IT UP,
43
00:02:06,744 --> 00:02:09,413
RIGHT? "OH, YOU WERE IN A BEL AIR
ESTATE THE FIRST TIME?
44
00:02:09,413 --> 00:02:16,487
THIS TIME? A STUDIO IN COMPTON.
PACK YOUR BAGS, TREVOR!"
45
00:02:16,487 --> 00:02:18,756
HEY I WANT TO SAY HELLO TO MY
VIRTUAL AMIGO.
46
00:02:18,756 --> 00:02:25,763
THE ONLY MEXICAN TO EVER MARRY A
KAREN. GUILLERMO!
47
00:02:25,763 --> 00:02:30,735
>> Guillermo: HI, EVERYBODY!
48
00:02:30,735 --> 00:02:36,207
HEY, GEORGE, YOU LOOK LIKE FABIO.
49
00:02:36,207 --> 00:02:37,908
>> THANKS.
HOW ARE YOU DOING.
50
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:42,546
>> >> Guillermo: I'M DOING
GREAT.
51
00:02:42,546 --> 00:02:45,049
>> WHAT KIND OF SUIT DO YOU HAVE
ON?
52
00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:50,421
BACK UP, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT IT.
WHAT THE ‐‐ BACK UP A LITTLE
53
00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:54,191
MORE, GUILLERMO, ARE YOU IN YOUR
UNDERWEAR?
54
00:02:54,191 --> 00:02:59,296
>> Guillermo: NO, I'M WEARING
SH SHORTS.
55
00:02:59,296 --> 00:03:01,832
>> THANK GOD.
DON'T SPIN, PLEASE.
56
00:03:01,832 --> 00:03:07,038
SO HOW HAVE YOU BEEN HANDLING
THE QUARANTINE?
57
00:03:07,038 --> 00:03:10,808
>> Guillermo: GOOD, I'VE BEEN
DRINKING, EATING, MAKING SWEET
58
00:03:10,808 --> 00:03:11,942
LOVE TO MY WIFE.
59
00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:15,813
>> OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M GOING TO CALL I.C.E.
60
00:03:15,813 --> 00:03:21,352
NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO MAKE SWEET
LOVE, DON'T BE SURPRISED.
61
00:03:21,352 --> 00:03:25,423
ALL RIGHT, GUILLERMO, GRACIAS.
62
00:03:25,423 --> 00:03:26,691
>> THIS IS CRAZY.
THE IMMIGRATION AGENCY "ICE," OR
63
00:03:26,691 --> 00:03:27,925
AS I CALL IT, VANILLA ICE, IS
LAUNCHING A SIX‐WEEK "CITIZENS
64
00:03:27,925 --> 00:03:30,127
ACADEMY" WHERE THEY WILL TEACH
ORDINARY PEOPLE ABOUT HOW THEY
65
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,463
ARREST UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS.
THIS IS A REAL THING.
66
00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:35,666
IT'S HAPPENING THIS SEPTEMBER IN
CHICAGO.
67
00:03:35,666 --> 00:03:39,403
IT MAY BE THE ONLY SCHOOL OPEN
THIS FALL.
68
00:03:39,403 --> 00:03:42,773
A SPOKESMAN FOR "ICE" SAID "THE
GOAL IS TO BUILD CAGES WITH THE
69
00:03:42,773 --> 00:03:48,112
COMMUNITY. I MEAN BRIDGES.
THE GOAL IS TO BUILD BRIDGES
70
00:03:48,112 --> 00:03:49,513
WITH THE COMMUNITY."
THE WAY THINGS ARE, IF I WAS IN
71
00:03:49,513 --> 00:03:52,183
A CAGE I MIGHT SAY, "YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GOOD HERE."
72
00:03:52,183 --> 00:03:55,352
TO PASS THE FINAL EXAM, YOU HAVE
TO RUN INTO AN "OLIVE GARDEN"
73
00:03:55,352 --> 00:03:58,689
KITCHEN AND YELL "COME OUT WITH
YOUR HANDS UP!"
74
00:03:58,689 --> 00:04:02,693
WHY ARE AMERICANS SO OBSESSED
WITH DEPORTING IMMIGRANTS, WHEN
75
00:04:02,693 --> 00:04:04,628
THERE ARE FAR WORSE HOME‐GROWN
U‐S‐A‐HOLES THAT NEED TO GO.
76
00:04:04,628 --> 00:04:07,998
FOR INSTANCE, INSTEAD OF KICKING
OUT A MOTHER OF FOUR WHO
77
00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:12,536
VOLUNTEERS AT A FOOD BANK, WHY
NOT DEPORT THIS MANIAC WHO THREW
78
00:04:12,536 --> 00:04:14,205
A FIT AT A GROCERY STORE,
BECAUSE THEY ASKED HER TO WEAR A
79
00:04:14,205 --> 00:04:24,315
MASK?
80
00:04:24,315 --> 00:04:24,648
>> [ BLEEP ]!
81
00:04:24,648 --> 00:04:26,450
[ BLEEP ], [ BLEEP ]!
82
00:04:26,450 --> 00:04:32,456
>> I DOESN'T GIVE A [ BLEEP ].
83
00:04:32,456 --> 00:04:32,957
>> [ BLEEP ], [ BLEEP ].
84
00:04:32,957 --> 00:04:33,924
>> AND THEY SAY ALL THE GOOD
ONES ARE TAKEN.
85
00:04:33,924 --> 00:04:36,727
"CLEANUP IN AISLE 1...2 .4...7 "
MAYBE SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO
86
00:04:36,727 --> 00:04:38,696
MAKE IT INTO THE "10 ITEMS OR
LESS" LINE?
87
00:04:38,696 --> 00:04:42,233
INSTEAD OF DEPORTING A DENTIST
FROM GUATEMALA WHO HAS BEEN PART
88
00:04:42,233 --> 00:04:44,668
OF HIS COMMUNITY FOR TWO
DECADES, LET'S DEPORT THESE
89
00:04:44,668 --> 00:04:45,369
JACKASSES PAINTING OVER A BLACK
90
00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:55,679
LIVES MATTER MURAL.
91
00:04:55,679 --> 00:04:56,013
>> [ BLEEP ].
92
00:04:56,013 --> 00:05:03,087
>> WHAT'S UP?
I'M RIGHT HERE.
93
00:05:03,087 --> 00:05:03,420
>> [ BLEEP ].
94
00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:06,357
>> I GIVE THEM A LOT OF CREDIT.
A LOT OF HONKEYS WOULD HAVE
95
00:05:06,357 --> 00:05:07,825
HIRED A MEXICAN TO DO THE
PAINTING.
96
00:05:07,825 --> 00:05:09,326
WE SHOULD DEPORT THEM, BUT WE
SHOULD SEND THEM STRAIGHT TO
97
00:05:09,326 --> 00:05:11,896
AFRICA. GOOD LUCK GUYS.
INSTEAD OF OUSTING A 24‐YEAR‐OLD
98
00:05:11,896 --> 00:05:16,634
MEDICAL STUDENT WHO HAS BEEN
HERE SINCE SHE WAS 2, WHY NOT
99
00:05:16,634 --> 00:05:18,669
GET RID OF COSTCO KENNY.
100
00:05:18,669 --> 00:05:19,937
>> YOU'RE HARASSING ME.
101
00:05:19,937 --> 00:05:22,239
>> I'M NOT HARASSING YOU.
102
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,641
>> I FEEL THREATENED.
103
00:05:23,641 --> 00:05:30,714
I FEEL THREATENED, BACK OFF!
104
00:05:30,714 --> 00:05:33,083
BACK THE [ BLEEP ] UP, PUT YOUR
105
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,652
[ BLEEP ] PHONE DOWN!
106
00:05:34,652 --> 00:05:35,452
>> YES, SIR.
107
00:05:35,452 --> 00:05:42,159
>> I DID NOT KNOW THEY SOLD BIG
BOXES OF STEROIDS AT COSTCO.
108
00:05:42,159 --> 00:05:44,028
I GUESS THE MEDITATION HASN'T
KICKED IN YET.
109
00:05:44,028 --> 00:05:45,362
AND FINALLY, INSTEAD OF
DEPORTING A CHURCH PASTOR, LETS
110
00:05:45,362 --> 00:05:46,697
GET RID OF THIS SHAMELESS
PSYCHOPATH, WHO SAT THERE
111
00:05:46,697 --> 00:05:50,801
HAWKING BEANS IN THE MIDDLE OF A
PANDEMIC.
112
00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:58,209
>> THE PRESIDENT POSTED A PHOTO
TO INSTAGRAM, SMILING WITH GOYA
113
00:05:58,209 --> 00:06:03,914
PRODUCTS ON THE RESOLUTE DESK.
114
00:06:03,914 --> 00:06:12,089
>> IF ONLY GOYA MADE SELF‐TANNER
115
00:06:12,089 --> 00:06:16,927
AND ADDERALL. HEY DONALD.
ASK JARED TO GOOGLE "CABRON."
116
00:06:16,927 --> 00:06:18,762
IT MEANS "REALLY GREAT
PRESIDENT."
117
00:06:18,762 --> 00:06:20,297
SPEAKING OF TRUMP AFTER
THREE‐MONTHS, HE IS BACK DOING
118
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:21,398
HIS DAILY CORONAVIRUS BRIEFINGS.
THANK GOD.
119
00:06:21,398 --> 00:06:22,733
I WAS WONDERING WHICH HOUSEHOLD
CLEANER TO DRINK NEXT.
120
00:06:22,733 --> 00:06:24,134
WHAT'S THE POINT OF THESE
BRIEFINGS?
121
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,136
EVERY WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS A
LIE.
122
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,771
EVEN CALLING IT A BRIEFING IS A
LIE. IT'S NOT BRIEF.
123
00:06:27,771 --> 00:06:32,910
THE GUY TALKS FOR TWO HOURS.
FROM NOW ON LET'S CALL IT WHAT
124
00:06:32,910 --> 00:06:35,713
IT IS, A [ BLEEP ] STORM.
THE PRESIDENT APPEARED AT HIS
125
00:06:35,713 --> 00:06:37,181
DAILY SHIT STORM TODAY.
WOULD SOMEBODY JUST EXPLAIN TO
126
00:06:37,181 --> 00:06:38,749
THIS GOOFBALL THAT THE SOONER HE
TAKES THE VIRUS SERIOUSLY, THE
127
00:06:38,749 --> 00:06:40,918
SOONER HE CAN GET BACK TO DOING
STANDUP AT MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES?
128
00:06:40,918 --> 00:06:42,586
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE
THE PRESIDENT ON A MILESTONE.
129
00:06:42,586 --> 00:06:44,255
LAST WEEK MARKED THE 275TH TIME
HE VISITED A GOLF CLUB SINCE
130
00:06:44,255 --> 00:06:46,690
BECOMING PRESIDENT.
IT'S A WONDER HE HAS ANY TIME
131
00:06:46,690 --> 00:06:50,728
LEFT TO DESTROY THE COUNTRY.
AND LAST WEEK, WHEN PEOPLE
132
00:06:50,728 --> 00:06:54,698
CALLED HIM OUT ON IT, HE TWEETED
THAT GOLF IS HIS "EXERCISE."
133
00:06:54,698 --> 00:06:58,736
CLEARLY IT'S WORKING.
JUST LOOK AT THAT ADONIS.
134
00:06:58,736 --> 00:07:03,941
LISTEN, I LOVE GOLF.
I PLAY ALL THE TIME. I LOVE IT.
135
00:07:03,941 --> 00:07:07,211
BUT GOLF COUNTS AS EXERCISE THE
SAME WAY FOX COUNTS AS NEWS.
136
00:07:07,211 --> 00:07:13,884
AND TRUMP'S "EXERCISE" HAS COST
TAXPAYERS 137 MILLION DOLLARS.
137
00:07:13,884 --> 00:07:15,920
CAN'T WE JUST BUY THAT LARD ASS
A PELOTON?
138
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,123
SINCE WE'RE PAYING FOR IT, I
WANT TO ANALYZE THE PRESIDENT'S
139
00:07:19,123 --> 00:07:26,263
137 MILLION DOLLAR SWING.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
140
00:07:26,263 --> 00:07:27,498
SO SMOOTH AND GRACEFUL, LIKE A
GAZELLE THAT WAS JUST SHOT BY
141
00:07:27,498 --> 00:07:32,269
DON JR.
IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT TRUMP
142
00:07:32,269 --> 00:07:34,171
HAS HORRIBLE FOLLOW THROUGH IN
EACH SWING HE SWINGS LIKE A
143
00:07:34,171 --> 00:07:40,411
LUMBERJACK WHO MISSED THE TREE.
LET'S SEE THAT AGAIN.
144
00:07:40,411 --> 00:07:45,449
FREEZE IT THERE. NOW ZOOM IN.
LOOK AT HIS PANTS.
145
00:07:45,449 --> 00:07:51,555
WHY ARE HIS PANTS SO HIGH?
THAT BELT IS WORKING MUCH HARDER
146
00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,457
THAN IT NEEDS TO BE.
DOES HE THINK THAT HIKING UP HIS
147
00:07:53,457 --> 00:07:54,692
PANTS MAKES EVERYTHING BELOW HIS
WAIST INVISIBLE?
148
00:07:54,692 --> 00:07:56,393
FROM WHAT I HEAR IT'S INVISIBLE
EVEN WITHOUT PANTS.
149
00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,062
LET'S SEE A DIFFERENT ANGLE.
I SEE SOME GOOD THINGS HERE.
150
00:07:58,062 --> 00:08:02,232
LOOK AT HIS CORE.
THAT'S WHERE ANY GREAT GOLFER
151
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,034
GETS THEIR POWER.
HE'S THICC WITH TWO CS, JUST
152
00:08:04,034 --> 00:08:06,904
LIKE HIS HIGH SCHOOL REPORT CARD.
153
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,373
LOOK AT THOSE CHILDBEARING HIPS.
IT LOOKS LIKE HIS WATER COULD
154
00:08:09,373 --> 00:08:12,276
BREAK RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS
SWING.
155
00:08:12,276 --> 00:08:13,711
WHEN HE YELLS "FORE," HE'S
GIVING HIS DONUT ORDER.
156
00:08:13,711 --> 00:08:18,582
NOW LET'S BREAK DOWN HIS GRIP,
CRUCIAL TO ANY GOLFER'S GAME.
157
00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,884
NOW ZOOM IN.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S A VERY
158
00:08:20,884 --> 00:08:21,852
UNCONVENTIONAL GRIP.
THE WAY HE INTERLACES HIS
159
00:08:21,852 --> 00:08:26,056
FINGERS.
HE HAS SUCH SOFT, SUPPLE HANDS.
160
00:08:26,056 --> 00:08:29,626
HE SWINGS.
WIDEN BACK OUT, AND HE SWINGS
161
00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:31,895
THE CLUB, HITTING THE BALL.
WELL DONE, MR. PRESIDENT.
162
00:08:31,895 --> 00:08:34,465
AND OFF GOES HIS CADDY TO FIND
THE BALL IN THE WOODS.
163
00:08:34,465 --> 00:08:38,802
HE HAS A SPECIAL TALENT FOR
164
00:08:38,802 --> 00:08:45,042
FINDING TRUMP'S BALLS.
ALL RIGHT, WHEN WE COME BACK,
165
00:08:45,042 --> 00:08:48,045
MR. WILLIE NELSON.
166
00:08:48,045 --> 00:08:49,813
♪
167
00:08:54,545 --> 00:08:58,163
♪
168
00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:58,862
>>> WELCOME BACK TO
"JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE," I'M
169
00:08:58,862 --> 00:09:00,397
GUILLERMO'S STEP FATHER,
GEORGE LOPEZ.
170
00:09:00,397 --> 00:09:01,998
TOMORROW NIGHT, I WON'T BE HERE,
BUT SEAN HAYES WILL BE HOSTING
171
00:09:01,998 --> 00:09:05,369
WITH HIS GUEST JASON BATEMAN,
AND THE JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
172
00:09:05,369 --> 00:09:08,271
HEALTHCARE HERO OF THE WEEK.
OUR GUEST TONIGHT TRULY NEEDS NO
173
00:09:08,271 --> 00:09:10,140
INTRODUCTION, BUT I'M GOING TO
GIVE HIM ONE, JUST SO HE KNOWS
174
00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:14,211
WE ARE ACTUALLY ON TV RIGHT NOW.
HE IS A GENUINE LEGEND OF BOTH
175
00:09:14,211 --> 00:09:16,580
COUNTRY MUSIC AND CANNABIS, WITH
A NEW ALBUM, CALLED "FIRST ROSE
176
00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:19,950
OF SPRING," AVAILABLE NOW.
PLEASE WELCOME THE ONE AND ONLY
177
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:23,954
WILLIE NELSON.
178
00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:27,057
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
179
00:09:27,057 --> 00:09:29,359
>> I'M GOOD BROTHER.
I'M GOING TO ASK A QUESTION.
180
00:09:29,359 --> 00:09:34,998
I KNOW YOU HAVE A PLACE IN MAUI.
DO YOU PREFER THE SURF AND TURF?
181
00:09:34,998 --> 00:09:41,304
DO YOU PREFER THE SURF OF MAUI
TO LIVE OR THE TURF OF AUSTIN TO
182
00:09:41,304 --> 00:09:43,974
LIVE? WHERE DO YOU FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE?
183
00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:48,078
>> I'VE BEEN KIND OF SPOILED.
I CAN TAKE THE BEST OF BOTH
184
00:09:48,078 --> 00:09:50,313
WORLDS NOW.
I WOULD LOVE TO GO TO MAUI NOW,
185
00:09:50,313 --> 00:09:53,817
BUT WITH ALL THE BS GOING ON
AROUND THE WORLD, IT'S HARD TO
186
00:09:53,817 --> 00:09:57,421
GET THERE, AND THEN YOU GOT TO
187
00:09:57,421 --> 00:10:02,192
QUARANTINE A WHILE AND ALL THAT.
188
00:10:02,192 --> 00:10:07,998
SO I LOVE MOAUI, BUT I'M IN A
PRETTY GOOD SPOT.
189
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:13,303
>> IS IT SHOCKING TO YOU TO SEE
HOW WELL MARIJUANA IS BEING
190
00:10:13,303 --> 00:10:13,636
RECEIVED?
191
00:10:13,636 --> 00:10:21,178
>> NO, I ALWAYS KNEW THAT PEOPLE
192
00:10:21,178 --> 00:10:26,683
WOULD REALIZE ITS BENEFITS.
AND NOW THAT IT'S IN 30 STATES
193
00:10:26,683 --> 00:10:29,719
MEDICINALLY IT'S LEGAL.
AND A LOT OF STATES,
194
00:10:29,719 --> 00:10:32,189
RECREATIONALLY IT'S LEGAL.
SO IT'S ON THE WAY.
195
00:10:32,189 --> 00:10:35,091
AND I THINK IT'S A GOOD THING.
196
00:10:35,091 --> 00:10:40,630
>> YOU KNOW, THERE'S SO MANY
BENEFITS OF CANNABIS, YOU KNOW,
197
00:10:40,630 --> 00:10:48,405
HEALTH, APPETITE, ANXIETY,
FORGETTING THINGS, BUT
198
00:10:48,405 --> 00:10:51,308
MEDICALLY, IT'S A GOOD THING,
ISN'T IT?
199
00:10:51,308 --> 00:10:55,345
>> IT'S A GOOD THING TO FORGET
THINGS, I THINK.
200
00:10:55,345 --> 00:10:55,846
[ LAUGHTER ]
201
00:10:55,846 --> 00:10:59,883
>> HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER THE
FIRST JOINT THAT YOU EVER SMOKED?
202
00:10:59,883 --> 00:11:03,220
>> YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN SMOKIN'
SOMETHING ALL MY LIFE.
203
00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:08,225
I STARTED OUT SMOKIN' WHEN I WAS
JUST A KID, GRAPE VINES.
204
00:11:08,225 --> 00:11:12,596
CEDAR BARK.
AND THEN I GOT TO BULL DURHAM
205
00:11:12,596 --> 00:11:16,166
AND, SO ALL ALONG I WAS SMOKING
SOMETHING.
206
00:11:16,166 --> 00:11:21,638
AND THEN I GOT TO WHERE I
REALIZED THAT MY LUNGS WERE
207
00:11:21,638 --> 00:11:24,741
CAVIN' IN, SO I HAD TO QUIT
SOMETHING.
208
00:11:24,741 --> 00:11:28,512
SO I WASN'T GETTING HIGH ON
CHESTERFIELDS, SO I THREW THEM
209
00:11:28,512 --> 00:11:33,583
AWAY AND ROLLED UP 20 BIG FAT
JOINTS, STUCK IT IN MY POCKETS
210
00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:36,019
AND I HAVEN'T HAD A CIGARETTE
SINCE.
211
00:11:36,019 --> 00:11:39,489
>> MY MAN, THANK YOU.
I KNOW IN DECEMBER THAT, I SAW
212
00:11:39,489 --> 00:11:42,125
IT ON A SCROLL, BUT PEOPLE
TRIPPED OUT BECAUSE I THINK YOU
213
00:11:42,125 --> 00:11:46,029
SAID YOU WERE GOING TO QUIT
SMOKING MARIJUANA, AND THE WHOLE
214
00:11:46,029 --> 00:11:48,365
WORLD WENT UPSIDE DOWN, RIGHT?
215
00:11:48,365 --> 00:11:55,038
>> I READ THAT SOMEWHERE.
AND I HAD A NICE LAUGH ABOUT IT.
216
00:11:55,038 --> 00:12:00,644
>> YEAH, BECAUSE ONCE SNOOP HAS
ANOINTED YOU, BECAUSE I THINK
217
00:12:00,644 --> 00:12:02,746
YOU OUTSMOKE SNOOP.
218
00:12:02,746 --> 00:12:03,446
>> HE'S TOUGH.
219
00:12:03,446 --> 00:12:08,451
>> THAT'S LIKE THE POPE TELLING
YOU YOU'RE A GOOD CATHOLIC.
220
00:12:08,451 --> 00:12:13,023
SO I HAD THE HONOR OF MEETING, I
KNOW HE WAS A GOOD FRIEND OF
221
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:14,324
YOURS, MERLE HAGGARD.
222
00:12:14,324 --> 00:12:15,792
>> YES, HE REALLY WAS.
223
00:12:15,792 --> 00:12:20,196
>> AND HE INVITED ME INTO HIS
BUS, AND WHEN I WALKED IN, THERE
224
00:12:20,196 --> 00:12:23,066
WAS A WONDERFUL SMELL OF
MARIJUANA, AND I WENT OVER, AND
225
00:12:23,066 --> 00:12:30,273
I TALKED TO HIM.
I HAD SOME RELATIVES OUT THERE.
226
00:12:30,273 --> 00:12:37,213
YOU PASSED AROUND A BOTTLE OF
GEORGE DICKLE.
227
00:12:37,213 --> 00:12:41,084
I'M THERE SMOKING AND DRINKING
GEORGE DICKLE FROM THE BOTTLE.
228
00:12:41,084 --> 00:12:44,854
IN ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF HE
SAYS TO HIS WIFE, HOW WAS THE
229
00:12:44,854 --> 00:12:48,892
SHOW, HONEY, AND SHE SAYS,
MERLE, WE HAVEN'T DONE THE SHOW
230
00:12:48,892 --> 00:12:49,257
YET.
231
00:12:49,257 --> 00:12:50,660
>> YEAH, I LOVE ‐‐
232
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:57,367
>> MY QUESTION IS, CAN YOU BE
TOO HIGH, WILLIE?
233
00:12:57,367 --> 00:12:58,835
CAN SOMEONE BE TOO HIGH?
234
00:12:58,835 --> 00:13:03,607
>> YEAH, SURE, YOU CAN BE TOO
DRUNK, YOU CAN BE TOO HIGH.
235
00:13:03,607 --> 00:13:06,910
SURE, I'VE BEEN TOO HIGH BEFORE
AND YOU REALIZE IT PRETTY QUICK.
236
00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:11,548
>> SO MERLE WALKED ON STAGE WITH
THE COWBOY HAT AND THE GLASSES,
237
00:13:11,548 --> 00:13:14,384
DIDN'T MISS A BEAT, WHICH WAS
AMAZING.
238
00:13:14,384 --> 00:13:17,287
BUT HAVE YOU BEEN ON STAGE AND
NOT KNOWN WHERE YOU WERE?
239
00:13:17,287 --> 00:13:21,257
>> YEAH, I HAVE SMOKED TOO MUCH
BEFORE A SHOW, AND I DON'T
240
00:13:21,257 --> 00:13:24,361
REMEMBER THE TOWN, BUT I DO
REMEMBER THAT I WASN'T ABLE TO
241
00:13:24,361 --> 00:13:27,797
DO A SHOW.
I WALKED OUT THERE AND SAID
242
00:13:27,797 --> 00:13:33,036
SORRY, AND WENT BACK TO THE BUS.
AND I CAME BACK ABOUT A MONTH
243
00:13:33,036 --> 00:13:36,206
LATER, AND I THINK I REMEMBER
BEING HERE BEFORE.
244
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:40,243
>> SO YOU STAYED IN THAT BUS A
MONTH AND THEN YOU CAME BACK OUT?
245
00:13:40,243 --> 00:13:41,144
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
246
00:13:41,144 --> 00:13:43,913
>> WELL, I HAD OTHER DATES TO
PLAY.
247
00:13:43,913 --> 00:13:51,888
>> SO THIS IS YOUR 70th ALBUM.
CONGRATULATIONS.
248
00:13:51,888 --> 00:13:52,455
>> THANK YOU.
249
00:13:52,455 --> 00:13:54,691
>> WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT THIS
MUSIC?
250
00:13:54,691 --> 00:13:58,261
WHAT WILL WE LIKE ABOUT THIS
ALBUM, WILLIE?
251
00:13:58,261 --> 00:14:04,567
>> THIS IS MY 15th ALBUM WITH
BUDDY CANON AS MY PRODUCER.
252
00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:08,038
HE AND I WORK SO WELL TOGETHER
WRITING AND RECORDING, AND I
253
00:14:08,038 --> 00:14:11,107
THINK THIS PARTICULAR ALBUM HAS
A LOT OF GOOD SONGS ON IT.
254
00:14:11,107 --> 00:14:16,980
THE TITLE SONG "FIRST ROSE OF
SPRING" IS A GREAT SONG.
255
00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:19,249
AND IN FACT ALL THE SONGS ON
THERE ARE GOOD.
256
00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:23,053
YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS YOUNG
CLOSES OUT THE ALBUM, AND THAT'S
257
00:14:23,053 --> 00:14:24,654
ALWAYS BEEN A NICE STANDARD.
258
00:14:24,654 --> 00:14:28,391
>> WHEN WERE YOU GROWING UP, WHO
WAS MUSICAL IN YOUR FAMILY?
259
00:14:28,391 --> 00:14:33,329
>> WELL, MY SISTER, BOBBIE AND
I, SHE WAS A GREAT, IS A GREAT
260
00:14:33,329 --> 00:14:38,134
PIANO PLAYER, AND WE'VE BEEN
PLAYING MUSIC TOGETHER ALL OUR
261
00:14:38,134 --> 00:14:41,971
LIVES, AND SHE TAUGHT ME A LOT.
SHE COULD READ MUSIC EARLY.
262
00:14:41,971 --> 00:14:49,179
AND I WOULD SIT ON A PIANO STOOL
NEXT TO HER, AND WHILE SHE WAS
263
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:52,649
PLAYING SONGS LIKE "STARDUST"
AND "MOONLIGHT IN VERMONT", I
264
00:14:52,649 --> 00:14:55,819
WAS LEARNING THEM AS SHE WAS
PLAYING THEM.
265
00:14:55,819 --> 00:15:00,390
>> IT MUST BE SPECIAL THAT
YOU'VE DONE SOME WORK WITH YOUR
266
00:15:00,390 --> 00:15:03,626
SONS, LIKE THE SONG YOU'RE GOING
TO PERFORM WITH YOUR KIDS.
267
00:15:03,626 --> 00:15:07,297
>> I'VE GOT SOME TALENTED KIDS.
I APPRECIATE THAT.
268
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:11,334
>> DO THEY ALL PLAY THE GUITAR?
OR PIANO?
269
00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:12,769
HOW MANY INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY?
270
00:15:12,769 --> 00:15:17,340
>> WELL, I, YOU KNOW, PLAY AT
THE GUITAR, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT.
271
00:15:17,340 --> 00:15:24,280
BUT NO, LUKE AND MICA CAN PLAY
PIANO, THEY PLAY PRETTY GOOD
272
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,985
PIANO, DRUMS AND PRACTICALLY
ANYTHING HERE IN MY LIVING ROOM
273
00:15:28,985 --> 00:15:32,388
HERE.
I GOT ALL KIND OF INSTRUMENTS,
274
00:15:32,388 --> 00:15:36,659
GUITARS AND PIANOS, SO THEY WERE
AROUND MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS ALL
275
00:15:36,659 --> 00:15:40,797
THEIR LIVES, AND I DIDN'T PUSH
THEM.
276
00:15:40,797 --> 00:15:43,967
I JUST KIND OF LET THEM DRIFT
INTO IT AS THEY WANTED TO AND
277
00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:45,135
THEY'VE REALLY DONE WELL.
278
00:15:45,135 --> 00:15:48,838
>> YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE
UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS THAT FROM
279
00:15:48,838 --> 00:15:53,376
THE MINUTE THE GUITAR CHORD IS
STRUCK EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S YOU.
280
00:15:53,376 --> 00:15:56,446
>> WELL, THAT'S TRIGGER.
281
00:15:56,446 --> 00:16:00,683
>> BABY! YEAH.
I LOVE YOU, WILLIE, THANK YOU,
282
00:16:00,683 --> 00:16:02,418
MAN. THANKS FOR BEING MY GUEST.
283
00:16:02,418 --> 00:16:04,721
>> MY PLEASURE, GOOD TO TALK TO
YOU.
284
00:16:04,721 --> 00:16:09,359
>> WHEN WE COME BACK, MUSIC FROM
WILLIE NELSON.
285
00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:12,829
♪
286
00:16:12,829 --> 00:16:13,996
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
287
00:16:13,996 --> 00:16:16,542
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES BENZ, THE
BEST OR NOTHING.
288
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:17,993
♪
289
00:16:25,522 --> 00:16:26,867
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
290
00:16:26,867 --> 00:16:30,567
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES BENZ, THE
BEST OR NOTHING.
291
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:34,324
>>> WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY
KIMMEL LIVE." I'M GEORGE LOPEZ.
292
00:16:34,324 --> 00:16:35,658
HIS NEW ALBUM IS CALLED "FIRST
ROSE OF SPRING."
293
00:16:35,658 --> 00:16:41,998
HERE WITH A SONG HE WROTE BACK
IN 1964 JOINED BY HIS SONS MICAH
294
00:16:41,998 --> 00:16:42,465
AND LUKAS, THE GREAT
295
00:16:42,465 --> 00:16:58,715
WILLIE NELSON.
296
00:17:00,717 --> 00:17:01,082
♪
297
00:17:01,082 --> 00:17:13,830
♪
298
00:17:13,830 --> 00:17:16,900
♪ THE SKY'S NEVER BLUE
299
00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:21,404
♪ STARS ARE RAIN DROP SEARCHIN'
300
00:17:21,404 --> 00:17:23,173
FOR A PLACE TO FALL ♪
301
00:17:23,173 --> 00:17:31,948
♪ I NEVER CARED
302
00:17:31,948 --> 00:17:32,313
♪
303
00:17:32,313 --> 00:17:33,983
♪ I KNOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE THESE
304
00:17:33,983 --> 00:17:37,720
THINGS I TELL YOU ♪
305
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:38,087
♪
306
00:17:38,087 --> 00:17:41,958
♪ I KNOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE
307
00:17:41,958 --> 00:17:44,360
♪ YOUR HEART HAS BEEN
308
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:44,694
FOREWARNED ♪
309
00:17:44,694 --> 00:17:47,697
♪ ALL MEN WILL LIE TO YOU
310
00:17:47,697 --> 00:17:52,001
♪ MINE CANNOT DECEIVE
311
00:17:52,001 --> 00:17:59,509
♪ WHAT I SAY TO YOU
312
00:17:59,509 --> 00:17:59,874
♪
313
00:17:59,874 --> 00:18:02,145
♪ I PREPARED THESE STATEMENTS
314
00:18:02,145 --> 00:18:08,718
FOR THE TRUTH ♪
315
00:18:08,718 --> 00:18:16,759
♪ BABY TO DISBELIEVE
316
00:18:16,759 --> 00:18:17,092
♪
317
00:18:17,092 --> 00:18:18,895
AND THE SKY WAS NEVER BLUE ♪
318
00:18:18,895 --> 00:18:19,796
♪ THE STARS ARE RAINDROPS
319
00:18:19,796 --> 00:18:24,701
SEARCHING FOR A PLACE
TO FALL AND I NEVER
320
00:18:24,701 --> 00:18:37,847
CARED FOR YOU ♪
321
00:18:37,847 --> 00:18:38,212
♪
322
00:18:38,212 --> 00:18:42,886
♪
323
00:18:42,886 --> 00:18:43,853
♪ THE SUN IS FILLED WITH
324
00:18:43,853 --> 00:18:47,891
ICE AND GIVES NO WARMTH AT ALL ♪
325
00:18:47,891 --> 00:18:48,291
♪ AND THE SKY WAS
326
00:18:48,291 --> 00:18:53,630
NEVER BLUE
THE STARS ARE RAINDROPS
327
00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:55,832
SEARCHING FOR A PLACE ♪
328
00:18:55,832 --> 00:19:00,703
♪ TO FALL
329
00:19:00,703 --> 00:19:07,777
AND I NEVER CARED FOR YOU
AND I NEVER CARED FOR YOU
330
00:19:07,777 --> 00:19:11,981
I NEVER CARED FOR YOU ♪
331
00:19:11,981 --> 00:19:14,784
♪
332
00:19:14,784 --> 00:19:17,387
♪
333
00:19:25,472 --> 00:19:29,191
>> Dicky: AND NOW, CISCO
PRESENTS, WHERE IS RUSS HIDING!
334
00:19:29,191 --> 00:19:38,767
WHERE IS RUSS HIDING THIS TIME?
335
00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:41,770
>> I'M BEHIND THE LOVESEAT!
336
00:19:41,770 --> 00:19:45,074
>> Dicky: AND THAT'S WHERE RUSS
WAS HIDING.
337
00:19:45,074 --> 00:19:48,210
>> THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.
I'D LIKE TO THANK WILLIE NELSON
338
00:19:48,210 --> 00:19:53,616
AND MY COMPADRE, JIMMY KIMMEL.
SEAN HAYES WILL BE HERE TOMORROW
339
00:19:53,616 --> 00:19:54,917
NIGHT WITH GUEST JASON BATEMAN.
NIGHTLINE IS NEXT.
340
00:19:54,917 --> 00:19:58,417
GOODNIGHT, GRINGOS.
28448
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof