Original subtitles

[theme music]

- Sarah. - Yeah?

- Here's yours. - Oh! Thank you.

Wow, this is really nice, Darlene.

Yeah? Well, I thought you could use a new leather jacket.

And it comes with matching leather shorts

if you're interested.

Mm, I don't think so.

But thanks, anyway.

Wow!

Do you like it?

Oh, Darlene, it's beautiful.

But why are you buying presents for everyone?

- 'Yeah.' - 'Yeah.'

I just wanted to do something nice

for the people that I spent

my high school years with.

Oh, Darlene, it's gorgeous!

I love it!

Oh, I almost don't wanna wear it. Thank you.

I wish you had given her a blouse.

Jasper.

You guys are so cute together.

Always be honest with each other

and don't ever split up.

Hey, Viki, I've got something for you.

- Yeah. Yeah. - You do?

"Always be honest with each other and don't ever split up?"

What's with Darlene?

- She must want something. - 'Yeah.'

- What's going on? - Gee, I do love this..

I know. It's like a holiday.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, Darlene, that is beautiful.

[bell rings]

Morning, geniuses!

(all) Morning, Billy!

I tell you, my God

this is the noisiest place on Earth.

Jackhammers hammering, trains rumbling

cars crashin', police sirens goin'

car alarms, people arguin'

gunshots, people screaming

more police sirens

police cars crashin', policemen screaming

more gunshots, the public screaming

people comin' out of manhole covers

screaming at the sky.

[screaming]

Last night, my neighbors were making so much noise

I phoned the super to do something about it.

He says, "Turn your TV up."

I turned it up, what did I get?

Police sirens, cars crashing

people screaming, gunshot..

I'm telling you. It's the truth.

It's just such a delight

to be back in my little ashram.

My little sanctuary

of peace and quiet.

[Arvid screaming]

[humming MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This"]

♪ Can't touch this ♪

♪ Tada da tada ♪

♪ Don't touch that ♪♪

- Arvid! - Oh, morning, Billy!

I'm trying to teach the class here, yes.

- Sorry, Billy. - Thank you.

Hey, thanks a lot, Darlene.

Uh, Darlene, I don't mean to be rude

but how come you gave me eau de toilette

and Arvid gets MC Hammer's PA system?

Oh, no, no, no, no, Darlene didn't give me this.

She gave me this..

...lovely pen and pencil set.

I went to the Knicks game last night.

It was fan appreciation night.

They called out my seat number and I won this!

[clamoring]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Arvid, I gave you those tickets. This prize is mine.

Well, Dennis, you didn't want the tickets.

You don't even like basketball.

- Yeah. - Yeah, but I love boom boxes.

- My tickets, my prize! - Hey, hey, hey, give me that.

Just a minute, Dennis.

By your way of thinking

the person who had the ticket in the first place

is due the prize?

Absolutely, unconditionally, unequivocally.

And didn't Darlene give you those tickets as a gift?

Theoretically.

That's right, Billy, I bought them.

So, by your own rules, the prize belongs to Darlene.

[indistinct chatter]

Billy, I'd like for Arvid to have it.

Are you sure, Darlene? That looks a really expensive thing.

Billy, I've always been given

every material possession I've ever wanted.

So, if giving this stereo to Arvid will make him happy

and teach Dennis the true spirit of friendship

well, then, uh, maybe for a change I can possess something

that can't be bought in a store.

Well, well, well. What an admirable attitude.

Yeah.

Who are you and what have you done with Darlene?

[instrumental music]

[bell rings]

Hey, wait. Everybody, I've got an announcement.

I know that this is a little bit short notice.

But I'd love for you all to join me Saturday night

for dinner at Le Grand Guignol.

[indistinct chatter]

No way, Darlene.

You know how expensive that place is?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It's my treat, of course.

[indistinct chatter]

Darlene, is there anything you'd like to talk to me about?

No, Billy. Oh, I'm sorry. You can come Saturday night too.

Oh, no, that's not what I meant really.

It's all that spending, you know?

Dinner buying, gift giving..

How can you afford all this?

My father's credit card.

He told me I can do whatever I want with it

and this is what I wanna do.

Spend a night out in a, a fine restaurant

with all of my best friends and Dennis.

Are you sure this isn't a problem to your parents?

Believe me, Billy. They don't care.

Is there any trouble at home you'd like to talk about?

No. I'm fine.

Well, in that case, could you write these numbers down please?

Sixteen and a half, thirty-four.

- Is that homework? - No.

Actually, it's my shirt size.

I've got nothing to wear to this place.

[giggling]

[instrumental music]

Darlene, that was fantastic.

I love nouvelle cuisine.

It's like eating a work of art, isn't it?

If the chef dies, my stomach will go up in value.

[chuckling]

There you are, sir.

Oh, thank you.

[coughing]

Twelve hundred dollars? For what?

I've had more food out of a "Happy Meal!"

And tell me this.

Where on the planet do they grow potatoes

the size of ball bearings?

This is a rip-off! Unbelieve..

I'm shocked and stunned!

Billy, I am paying, remember?

God, what a fantastic meal.

I loved it. Did you enjoy it?

[giggling]

Thank you. Everything was exquisite.

Thank you...ma'am.

Thanks, Darlene.

You know, I never realized you were so nice. Uh..

Well, what-what Jasper means, Darlene, is that

he hadn't actually seen you be so nice to anybody.

- I mean-- - Uh..

I think what Sarah means, Darlene, is that

usually you're more, well, you know, Darlene-ish.

And I think that was very mean of you, Sarah.

I hope you kids aren't considering

a career in diplomacy.

[giggling] Oh, Billy, it's alright.

They're just being honest.

We're all friends. We can be honest, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah, sure.

Actually, it's kind of flattering.

It's like one of those celebrity roasts.

In fact, everybody take your best shot. It'll be fun.

- 'Alright.' - 'Oh.'

Darlene, I couldn't.

Sure, you can. I can take it.

No, no, no. It's just that I'll be here all night.

[laughing]

- See? That's funny. Keep going. - Yeah.

Alright, I got one.

You know my good friend Darlene?

Her idea of a rough neighborhood

is one where the department stores close at 6:00.

[laughing]

Darlene is so self-centered

she thought the S and L crisis

was about suede and leather.

[laughing]

Yeah, she flunked in astronomy test

because where it said, "Name the center of the universe"

she wrote, "Me."

[laughing]

But seriously, guys, her idea of going Dutch

is flying first class to Amsterdam.

[laughing]

Hey, Darlene's parents are so rich

that on Easter, they hunt for Faberge eggs. Oh!

[laughing]

Oh, you guys are hilarious.

I'm sure that somewhere, Shecky Greene

sat up in bed and saluted.

[laughing]

Let's wrap up, eh?

Whoa, whoa, Simone, aren't you gonna take a shot at her?

- 'Yeah.' - 'Oh, come on, Simone.'

No, I, I don't think so.

(all) Oh.

Come on, Simone, it'll be fun.

Hit me with your best shot.

[indistinct chatter]

(Simone) Okay. Alright.

Darlene's parents are so rich

and yet they seem like very nice people, very warm and loving.

She's so lucky to have such a wonderful family.

Oh, God, Darlene, I'm sorry.

I must have gone overboard, huh?

No, these are tears of joy.

- You sure you're okay, Darlene? - Yeah, yeah.

I'm just happy because I realize I'm among friends.

And that I'm part of something.

And I really feel like I belong.

Miss, could I speak to you for a moment?

Sure. Excuse me.

[glass clinking]

Hey, listen, Darlene has been really generous.

I think we should show her appreciation, don't you?

- 'Yeah.' - Yeah.

Billy, you're right.

- Here's to Darlene. - Oh, yeah.

(all) To Darlene.

Everything okay, Darlene?

Yeah, everything's fine. Uh, it's just that, um..

What?

Well, it's my credit card.

It's been declined.

[spitting]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, look, I've got money from Simone, Alex, Eric

Jasper...and Viki and Sarah.

And I have $36.

Okay, all we need is $1247 and we're there.

Twelve hundred dollars? Billy, you must have made a mistake.

- Yeah. - Oh, I did.

I forgot the tip. That's an extra $180.

(all) Oh.

Billy, that's only 15 percent.

We've gotta leave 20 or they won't want us to come back.

Come back?

We're trying to work out a way to get out of here.

We owe them $1400.

Billy, can't you just put this on your card

and I'll pay you back?

My card, I-I don't think

they'll accept a library card.

- Do you? - 'Oh.'

Okay, I am gonna call the credit card company

and try to straighten this all out.

That's a good idea.

- I can't believe this. - Me neither.

Okay, I've got $40 of my own here.

Well, that's good.

That makes it $76.

All we need now is a grant from the Ford Foundation

and we're okay.

Wait, I-I don't know why I should have

to pay as much as everybody.

I mean, Dennis scarfed down

three lobsters and a steak.

Come on, guys, this was supposed to be somebody's treat.

- Yeah, but-- - 'Oh, wait a minute.'

All I had was a itty-bitty salad.

How much could that have cost?

I'll tell you. It's right here.

Forty-six dollars for arugula and a sprout?

Okay, okay, what are we gonna do now, Billy?

Easy, easy, easy.

A little thing from my neighborhood

we call "Dine and dash."

- 'Yeah.' - Oh, just don't..

Hang on! Hold, hold on.. Hold..

I am a teacher here.

And some of these girls are wearing heels.

You know, behave.

- That was a dumb idea anyway. - Sorry about this, you guys.

Seems that my father has canceled the credit card.

I, I guess he's mad about all the bills

that I've been running up.

Well, call your dad and talk to him, Darlene.

[clamoring]

I can't. He canceled the phone card.

Anybody have a quarter?

A quarter. Now she wants a quarter.

What, am I gonna have to sell my blood to get outta here?

[indistinct chatter]

[clears throat]

Is there a problem, sir?

Well, actually

I, uh, just happen to be a journalist.

Yes. Under head food writer with "Gourmet Magazine."

You may have heard of us.

And these are my, uh, disciples.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay.

Here's the way it is.

We owe $1400.

We have seventy-six dollars..

...twenty-seven cents, three subway tokens

and...a cough drop with lint on it.

What do you usually do when this kind of thing happens here?

This doesn't happen here, sir.

Hm. Thank you.

Well, okay.

I am a teacher at Fillmore High School.

These people are my students.

We came here for a simple senior dinner.

And because of an unforeseeable snafu..

...we have a shortage of money.

But I do promise to return a-a-and remit every--

No, I understand, sir.

Just give me some basic information and, uh..

...you can be on your way.

What is your name?

Uh, S-Samuels. Dr. Harold Samuels.

Very good, Dr. Samuels, let me get some forms for you to sign.

- Oh, brilliant! We've done it! - Good one.

So all that remains to do now is come in on Monday mornin'

each with an equal share of the balance due.

Oh.

What would that come to, Jasper?

Uh, a hundred and nine dollars and seventy-six cents.

- A hundred and nine-- - Hey, but I'm not paying!

Hey, if I ever pay a hundred bucks

for a dinner, it'd better be all you can eat.

Oh, come on! Darlene was kind enough to invite us all here.

- Yeah, to show off. - 'Yeah.'

That's not why she did it!

Oh, come on, Billy, she invites us to a place

she knows we can't afford just to rub our noses in her money.

And then she sticks us with the bill.

[scoffs] I think not!

That's right, T.J., come on, let's go.

(T.J.) See ya.

I don't believe it!

Forget it, Billy. You heard them.

They're not my friends.

Yeah.

Well, actually, Darlene

you're not really being their friend.

What?

Well..

[crackling]

Darlene, the-these kids were really honest with you tonight.

Why can't you just be honest with them for a change?

Be honest about what?

Well, there you are. You're doin' it again.

Billy, I don't know what you're talking about.

Darlene, why aren't your parents sittin' together at graduation?

Look.

[sighs]

You're a very private person.

I know that, but..

It really would do no harm at all if, just now and again

you sort of..

...come out of your shell a little, you know?

And leaned on your friends.

Well, I'm not really sure that any of these guys

are my friends.

Well, there's a great way to find that out.

You know, trust them enough to tell them the truth.

I can't.

Well..

The way I see it, you've dug a big moat 'round yourself.

You can hardly complain now, if nobody comes to visit.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Here, Darlene, why don't you take back your binoculars?

I don't wanna get a bill for 'em later.

Oh, come on, Alex, I want you to have them.

- And they're paid for. - Yeah, right. Like the dinner?

That's enough, thank you.

It's okay, Billy, you don't have to defend me.

It's clear that they all think that I'm a jerk.

I'd say that's a pretty firm grasp of the situation.

Oh, come on, Dennis!

I didn't hear you sayin' anythin' about jerks

the other night when you were wolfin' down

the old surf and turf at the restaurant, eh?

And would a jerk ask everybody out to dinner?

We told you, Billy, she was showin' off.

No, she wasn't.

Then why else would she do it?

- Yeah. - Fine!

I'll tell you why.

Darlene, why?

Yeah, Darlene, why did you ask us all out to dinner?

When Alan had his tonsils out..

...we all went to visit him in the hospital.

And when it was T.J.'s birthday

we threw this big party for her right here, in class.

Do you know what I did for my birthday?

I sat home alone.

I watched the home shopping network

and I ate a quart of ice cream.

Sounds like the perfect evening to me.

When was your birthday, Darlene?

- Nobody knew. - Yeah, no.

Yeah, b-but nobody bothered to find out, did they?

The only way for me to have a party was

to throw one for myself.

Ha! Get off it, Darlene.

If that's the worst problem you have

on Park Avenue, then sign me up.

T.J., do you wanna know what kinda problems

I'm having at home?

My parents are getting divorced.

After 22 years..

...my father is leaving my mother

for his secretary.

He told me he wanted to wait till I was finished

with high school before he made this move.

It's like he's been lying to me for years.

And now, graduation's coming.

And we'll all be lying too.

Because people always say

"We'll keep in touch."

But they're just lying.

But, Darlene, we will keep in touch.

[sobbing] Ah, no. No, we won't!

Don't you understand? We should just say goodbye!

We should just say goodbye

because that's what graduation is!

And I just wanted to say goodbye

to all of you by making you happy somehow.

That's all, because no matter what you think of me

I have loved being in this room with you people every day!

Even Dennis.

Well, you certainly told the truth.

How does it feel?

Terrible.

Vulnerability doesn't look very good on me.

It's like wearing beige pumps.

Well, if I knew you felt like that

I would tell you the story about the lobster and his shell.

Hope it's better than the metaphor about the moat.

You're so right. I'm dreadful at this kind of thing, aren't I?

You know, Darlene, I think I know what you're goin' through.

[sniffing]

I might even be able to cheer you up.

You know, my father deserted us when I was only 12.

Stay with me here.

The whole family was splittin' up

and suddenly, I had this terrible feeling

that I could only really rely on myself in this world.

- You know? - Yeah.

I know.

God, Billy..

...I just feel like everybody in my life is leaving me.

I just wanted to have people around me.

Just, just to be with my friends.

Mm-hm. So you tried to buy them, huh?

Yeah.

I guess I did.

It's pretty stupid, huh?

It's kinda the way I was raised.

My father..

...he would always come home with these gifts

for my mom and me.

And now I know, it was probably

because he was feeling so guilty.

I guess, we were both trying to buy people's affection.

Look how well it worked out.

My father's losing his family..

God.

I'm losing my friends.

Well, not necessarily.

You have to give them a chance. You've told them the truth.

Now, you'll have to sort of trust them.

What if I got them each a little box of chocolate first?

You sure you don't want to hear the one

about the lobster and his shell?

No, Billy.

No.

Are we done here? I need to go now.

Yeah, I understand.

I'll get you a pass. You can just go home.

No, Billy.

I need to go in there.

Maybe, I'm a bit better at this than I thought.

(Jasper) 'Darlene..'

...Sarah and I wanted to return

the gifts you gave us.

I understand. I guess I did go overboard a little.

Darlene, it's not because we don't like the gifts.

It's because we thought you could return them

and use the money to square away

your father's credit card bill.

- Yeah. - Thanks.

Oh, and I have a set of silverware

from the Grand Guignol you could hock.

Darlene, I really put my foot in my mouth, and I'm sorry.

You know, you just always looked so together.

I guess none of us would've dreamed

that you had troubles at home.

- Yeah. - Why didn't you say somethin'?

I mean, who knows better about parents splittin' up than me?

- Or me. - Or me.

Simone, I never knew your parents were divorced.

Well, they're not.

But I saw "Kramer VS Kramer" and wept for days.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, I guess I just didn't know how to talk about divorce

without sounding like a Country-Western song.

Oh, Darlene, that's crazy. We're your friends.

(all) Yeah.

She's right, Darlene.

Of all the people on the IHP..

...you are the yardstick with which I measure my..

...growth and achievement.

I am?

Alan, I'm stunned.

Well, who else? Have you taken a good look at the rest of 'em?

[indistinct chatter]

Darlene..

Here's the money I owe you for dinner the other night.

And I know this is a little late, but, uh..

...happy birthday.

Thanks.

Hey, Dennis, where'd you get that kinda money?

- Yeah, Dennis. - 'Yeah.'

[sighs] Well, Arvid, I wasn't gonna tell you

but I didn't really break your stereo.

- I sold it. - 'What?'

Sold? You sold it?

H-h-how much did you get for it?

Enough to cover both of our meals.

Oh. Hey, Dennis, that's kinda sweet of you.

Yes, it is.

Who are you and what have you done

with the real Dennis?

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[theme music]