Original subtitles

[theme music]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey! Look, everybody!

I got my letter of acceptance from Caltech!

[all cheering]

I got my orientation packet, my class roster

my dorm assignment and a pocket protector

with a Caltech beaver on it!

[all cheering]

I mean, think of it. I'm a Beaver!

I mean, I-I-I'm so happy, I must be dreaming.

- 'Oh..' - Quick, somebody pinch me.

Ow!

- 'Oh!' - Oh-oh..

The last time Dennis showed up to school with a tool box

Cheese Whiz came out of the girls' showers.

Alright, so what's going on, Dennis?

- What's going on? - What is this?

Let's just say that the next time

Dr. Samuels reaches out to touch someone

he'll be using my Blunden.

- Oh! - 'Dennis..'

Dennis, one of these days all that bad karma you put out

is gonna come right back to you.

Yeah, next time you take a shower in the girls' locker room

you better be wearing crackers, babe.

Whoo!

[bell ringing]

Good morning, geniuses!

- Good morning, Billy! - Good morning!

My new map, huh?

Look at that!

A brand-new Rand McNally 429.

Feast your eyes on this.

And about time, too. I mean, the last one had Atlantis on it.

The Red Sea was still part of them.

Just below Long Island here, it said

"Here be monsters."

And how wonderful to see little Scotland sitting there

like a precious jewel in a silvery sea.

Now, what were we discussin'?

Washington's defeat at the Battle of Brooklyn Heights

I do believe.

Washington escaped with his men across the East River

into Manhattan.

Surrounded by general's housemen, he then discovered

that the waiting list for tickets

to "Phantom Of The Opera" was at least 215 years.

So he switched to plan B and headed due north.

[dial tone]

What the hell was that?

B-Billy, it's coming from the speaker.

- From the intercom. - Hey, Dennis, is this it?

Why, Jasper, whatever are you talking about?

- 'Hello?' - 'Hello, dear.'

(Samuels on intercom) 'Ms. Meara said you called.'

- That's Dr. Samuels, isn't it? - Yeah.

I spliced his private phone line into the school intercom system.

Is that great or what? Wait, wait. Shh, shh, shh.

(woman on intercom) 'Harold, I was doing the laundry.'

'Did you buy a pair of lavender bikini briefs?'

[laughing]

Yeah, I just bought 'em because I thought

they'd turn you on, sugar bunny.

[laughing]

(woman on intercom) 'Stop it, honey bear.'

'What if someone heard you?'

(Samuels) 'Uh, don't be silly.'

'Uh, just a minute.'

'Yes, Ms. Meara?'

'You can hear what?'

[laughing]

Blunden!

[laughing]

And I thought he'd have a sense of humor about this.

Dennis, I think your bad karma

is on its way over here right now.

Hey, and what goes around, comes around.

Yup, and in your case, that's quite a trip.

Relax, guys, I'm a senior, in a couple of weeks

I'm gonna be out of here. What can he do to me?

Blunden, this time you've gone too far.

Now, don't be a grouchy, honey bear.

In a couple of months I'm gonna be at MIT and out of your hair.

Oh, yeah? Well, don't be so sure.

I can withhold your final grades

and delay your getting into college!

Hey, hey, hey, I've been working to get into MIT

ever since I was a kid, you can't do that.

Yeah, well, you just watch.

I'll call the dean of admissions and tell them

to withhold my lukewarm letter of recommendation.

I'll bury you so deep, son

that you-you'll have to repeat pre-school!

Oh, well, actually, Dr. Samuels

it wasn't Dennis who pulled that dastardly deed.

- It wasn't? - No.

I have it in very, very good authority

it was someone else. Is that right, class?

(all) Oh, yeah.

- Now, who, w-who was it? - Uh, who, uh, uh..

Ra-Randy McNally.

- Hm, Randy McNally? - That's him.

I-I-I never heard of him.

Uh, uh, he's-he's a new kid, Dr. Samuels.

- Yeah! - Yeah, he's right. Uh..

You've seen him, red hair, lots of freckles.

[indistinct chatter]

I don't recall anyone like that.

- H-he just moved here. - From where?

- Seattle. - Chicago.

- Chicago. - Sea..

Well, it was, it was a divorce joint custody.

A really messy affair, now can we forget

this whole ugly incident?

Forget it? Wait till I get my hands on this McNally kid.

Wait till I get him into my office!

I'll nail his hide to the wall!

[instrumental music]

Okay, Randy McNally

you are about to become one of Fillmore's finest.

Okay, what kind of grades do we give him?

- Bs and Cs? - Are you kidding?

Anybody who could pull a practical joke like that

has got to have straight As.

Hey, Aristotle, while I'm at it, you want

a couple of airline tickets to Bermuda?

First class?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Alan, how you doin'? Is that from Harvard?

Yes. No. Uh, well, maybe. Who cares?

Bye, Alan.

Hey, Billy, can I talk to you?

Sure, Eric, it'll be a pleasure to talk to a student

who actually exists.

Yeah, well, I almost wish I didn't.

I applied to the University of Iowa

'cause they have this great writing program, right?

And I sent them this sample of my writing..

- Turned you down? - Yeah, well..

Can you just read the short story I sent them

and let me know if it's as bad as they say.

And be brutally honest with me.

- I can take it. - Sure, I'll be delighted.

"The Innocent Bystander." Yeah, that's interest..

- Interesting? - Yeah.

You hate it. Great!

Hey, Billy, Billy, I got to hand it to ya.

This Randy McNally bit you thought of is perfect!

From now on, any prank I wanna pull around here

"Hey, it was Randy McNally's fault."

I love it! I love you!

Hey, Dr. Samuels, you're not gonna believe this.

Randy McNally just broke into the biology lab

and glued all the frogs back together.

Yeah, well, I can overlook it with a record like his.

- This kid is a genius! - He is?

Why isn't this kid in the IHP? Look.

Well, actually, I-I was gonna recommend him

but, uh, we don't have enough desks.

I mean, where's he gonna sit, on a globe?

Well, no matter, Randy McNally is gonna be

a credit to Fillmore

and I'm gonna see that this kid

has every opportunity to shine!

Glued the frogs together. Ha-ha. Now that's funny.

[laughing]

Why can't you think of something like that, huh?

But..

[laughing]

Yeah, this Randy McNally guy is gettin' on my nerves now.

- Oh.. - Hey, Alan, did you hear?

Leave me alone about Harvard, alright?

Man, Harvard, Harvard, Harvard!

Is that all you guys can talk about?

'I don't even wanna hear the word Harvard.'

Hey, relax, Alan, all I was gonna say was

did you hear the one about the parrot and the gorilla?

- Dang! - I'm sorry, Alex. No, I didn't.

Okay, okay, okay, here-here is how it goes.

See, there's this parrot a-and a gorilla

and they both get accepted to Harvard.

Oh, ha-ha, very funny, Alex. Very funny.

Very funny.

Hey, Alan.

Look, it's understandable you're a bit worried

about not getting into Harvard and all that.

But you must remember, no news is good news.

Oh, yeah? Does this look like no news?

- Hey, it's from Harvard. - I know that.

- You haven't even opened it. - I know that, too.

It's nice and heavy, it can only mean one thing, my friend.

You've been accepted.

[scoffs] Well, of course, I've been accepted.

I never doubted I'd been accepted.

Doesn't matter, Billy. I'm not going to Harvard.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Good morning, geniuses! - 'Hi, Billy!'

Hey, Billy, aren't you gonna congratulate Viki?

- Yeah. - Absolutely.

Stand back and let the dog see the rabbit.

Congratulations, Viki, my heartiest congratulations.

It couldn't have happened to a more deserving person.

You must be so proud and happy. I know I certainly am.

Thanks, Billy. How did you find out?

I didn't. I have no idea what they're talking about.

I got accepted to MIT.

I got my notification yesterday in the mail.

- Oh, yeah! - This is wonderful.

I'm going to Sarah Lawrence, Jasper just got into Princeton

Alex is going to Vassar.

It look like all this hard work

is finally paying off for everyone.

- You are right. - Right.

This is the worst day of my life.

- Dennis, what happened? - What happened?

I got this yesterday.

"Dear Mr. Blunden.

[humming]

"While your credentials are impressive

"we've already selected two students from Fillmore

to attend MIT this next school year."

It's impossible. Who could have beat me out at this school?

Do you wanna tell him your good news, Viki?

[screaming]

I knew you'd be happy for her.

Alright, alright, that's one. Who's the other one, huh?

Which one of you traitors went behind my back

and applied to MIT?

- Not me, Dennis. I'm a Beaver. - 'Me, either, Dennis.'

[indistinct chatter]

Viki, I heard the news!

- I just wanna congratulate you. - Thanks, Dr. Samuels.

Boy, MIT, it's a little intimidating.

Oh, you'll do just fine.

And at least you'll have one friend at MIT

that you already know.

Do I?

Randy McNally got accepted, too!

Randy McNally?

Yeah, I have an old buddy in admissions. We go way back.

Uh, he said it was okay if I send in

a late application on Randy.

'Boy, was he impressed.'

Something wrong, Dennis?

- No, I'm fine. - Good, fine.

Well, okay. Carry on!

I.. It's..

[indistinct chatter]

It's alright, Dennis, go ahead.

[screaming]

Hate to be the one to tell you, Dennis

class finished five minutes ago.

All my life..

All my life, ever since I was a little boy

I've always wanted to go to MIT.

And now when I was so close

so close that...I could practically taste the beefaroni

in the dorm cafeteria..

...it's just not meant to be.

Uh, uh, maybe Viki was right about all the karma crapola.

Yeah, maybe you should have sat under a pyramid.

A ruined one. Ha-ha.

You know, Billy, I keep asking myself.

Am-am I such a terrible person? Is this whole thing my fault?

Hard question to ask.

No, it's not.

- It's your fault. - My fault?

Yeah, you're the guy who invented

this whole Randy McNally thing in the first place.

And you lied to Dr. Samuels, that's low.

I only did it to save your hide.

Well, who asked you to save my hide?

You did.

Oh, well, now I'm asking you to butt out.

Oh, it's a bit late for that, maybe we should have told

Dr. Samuels the truth in the first place.

- Well, maybe we should have. - Okay, fine.

I'll go right now and tell Dr. Samuels the truth.

No, no, wait, wait, wait. Come on, Billy.

Let's think about this for a second.

Alright, alright, on the one hand, if you tell Dr. Samuels

he'll probably tell his buddy at MIT what a jerk I am

and then I'll never get in.

- That's likely. - Yeah.

But on the other hand, if we don't tell him

if we don't tell him, when Randy McNally

never shows up in MIT this fall, I could still get in.

- That's possible. - Yeah, but on the other hand--

Hey, hold on. I've only got two hands.

Now, would you like me to use one of them

to knock Dr. Samuels door?

[sighs] Oh, Billy, I need to think.

[instrumental music]

Why don't you want to go to Harvard?

[sighs] Because..

...I don't wanna be a guppy.

Don't blame yourself for what they call themselves.

Harvard guppies.

No.

I mean, here at Fillmore

I've always been...a big fish

even if Fillmore is a relatively small pond.

But at Harvard I'm gonna be this little fish

trying to survive in an enormous pond.

Well, that's gonna happen to you more and more.

You're gonna meet all sorts of fish.

Sharks, jellyfish

blowfish, gefilte fish

even those weird fish you normally only see

in Jacques Cousteau films

with wee lights at the ends of the noses.

I guess the truth is..

...I'm afraid.

There's gonna be so many intelligent students at Harvard.

The best and the brightest in the country.

What if I can't cut it?

It's a chance you'll have to take, Alan.

Not if I don't go there.

Well?

- Oh, hey, I read your story. - And?

I don't know what these people in Iowa are talkin' about.

I thought it was brilliant!

I've always thought it was brilliant.

Beg your pardon?

Well, when I first read it, it had a different title

you know, it was called "The Ox-Bow Incident"

in those days.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"The Ox-Bow Incident."

I've read that one years ago.

Oh, my God, I re-wrote "The Ox-Bow Incident?"

[laughs] Well, more or less.

You've written your version of it.

Like, you've used the Lower East Side

instead of the Old West.

And some of those street gangs were on horses.

Well, it's pretty much the same thing, isn't it?

Oh, man! I never meant to..

Billy, you know I would never plagiarize.

Of course, I do.

And so does the man in charge of the writing program

over there in Iowa. There's his number.

Why don't you fax him one of your other stories?

Oh, this is great, Billy.

Look, I'm gonna send them my best story.

"Huckleberry Finn," huh?

[chuckles]

[knocking on door]

Yeah, come in.

Dr. Samuels, hey, Dennis has something to tell you.

Hey, come on. In.

Come on, Dennis, get in here.

[clears throat] Uh, yes, Dr. Samuels.

Uh, it's about Randy McNally and the intercom incident.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry that the one time I thought I had you

it turned out to be someone else. Heh-heh.

But you haven't graduated yet.

Yeah, you're gonna screw up again

and I'm gonna be there waiting.

[sighs] You're not making this any easier, sir.

Now, about Randy McNally--

Yeah, well, what about him?

Well, Dr. Samuels, actually, the truth..

He's dead.

What? Ho-how?

Uh, Randy suffered from a terrible allergy, Dr. Samuels

to, uh, to-to feathers.

Feathers.

Are you saying he was killed with a feather duster?

No, no. I mean, that would be absurd, wouldn't it?

- Yes. - Yes, well..

It would appear that Randy, uh, he-he went to t-the zoo

he-he was, and he walked into the-the bird aviary.

And he was no sooner in than the wind blew the door shut.

Did I mention it was a very windy day?

No, you didn't. No.

And it was a very windy day

and the-the door slammed shut behind him, locked

and it was the, uh, zookeeper's day off.

And, uh, anyway

they fou-found his body this morning.

[sobbing]

The birds attacked him?

- Yes. - No.

- No. - 'No..'

Apparently, he, uh, he sneezed to death.

- Is that possible? - Yeah.

Well, apparently, when you sneeze

every time you sneeze, your heart misses a beat.

Now, if you, if you sneeze enough sneezes

together one after the other

it can, you know, flat line.

[imitating beeping]

That's the saddest thing I ever heard.

Yes, and the weirdest.

God, I'm gonna miss that kid.

Yeah, me, too.

Alright, come on, Billy, let's go.

Yeah.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

With Randy McNally dead and buried

I am next in line for MIT.

All we gotta do is make sure Dr. Samuels doesn't find out

and I am home free!

Wait, I know what we'll do.

We'll have a memorial service after school.

- Uh.. - You okay, Dennis?

I-I think Dennis needs to be alone for a wee while.

- He wants.. - Just, just..

[instrumental music]

Oh..

You know, I, I never got a chance to meet him.

Bernadette, there is no Randy McNally.

It's hard to accept, isn't it, Billy?

Fellow Fillmorians

We are gathered here today

to pay our respects to Randy McNally.

In the short time he was with us, he left an indelible mark.

And now I'd like to call on his favorite teacher

Billy MacGregor, to say a few words.

Billy.

For those of you who didn't know Randy

and I'm sure there must be a few of you..

...he was a remarkable young man.

And if there's one thing we can learn

from his untimely passing

it's that we should seize the opportunities as they arise.

Oh, sure, it's a big pond out there

and sometimes you'll feel like

'perhaps you're only a little fish.'

But if you trust in yourself

'you'll grow, and sure enough'

the pond gets amazingly smaller.

And I know you must be saying to yourself

"What's this got to do with Randy McNally?"

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, there's a little bit of Randy McNally

in everything.

The fish, the pond...the map.

[laughing]

That was very beautiful, Billy.

Thank you, Bernadette.

Yes, I'm gonna do it!

This is the happiest day of my life.

(Viki) 'Hey, Alan, what are you talking about?'

Oh, uh, sorry, I-I'm just happy because I'm going to Harvard.

A-and Randy is going to heaven, which is almost as good.

Sorry.

[clears throat]

Thank you, uh, Mr. MacGregor.

And now I would like to call upon a student

who obviously knew Randy better than anyone else, uh

to say a few words.

Dennis Blunden. Come up.

Oh! I, uh, I..

[indistinct chatter]

[clearing throat]

I'm sorry.

Uh, yes, uh, well..

[sighs] What can you say about Randy McNally?

[sobbing]

He was a hard guy to get to know.

[sobbing] I'm sorry, I can't go on. I just can't.

No, no, no, no, no. Tell, tell us more.

You must have a lot of funny stories, um

personal anecdotes, uh, fond memories

'that you could share with us all.'

Uh, what were his likes, his passions, his hobbies?

Bungee-cord jumping.

In fact, that was the way I always thought he'd go.

[students laughing]

Are they laughing, Billy?

Well, different people have different ways

of showing grief, Bernadette.

Oh! They must have loved him very much.

Yeah, yes, yes, yes, well..

I would like to take this sad opportunity

to say, uh, something I've been needing to say for a long time

and that is, um..

...I got you, Blunden.

- Huh? - Huh?

- What? - Randy McNally, my eye.

You knew? You knew..

Billy, you knew he knew?

He got to the computer files before you, I had to tell him.

Why didn't you..

[indistinct chatter]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

You let me think that he had a friend in MIT

and that, and that I got a rejection letter and the..

Oh, man, I made a fool out of myself!

That's the way it goes, Dennis. It was your karma.

[laughing]

Dennis, I do have a friend at MIT.

In fact, I had him send you that first letter.

Here's the real letter, son.

What does it say?

I'm in! I'm in!

[cheering]

[instrumental music]

- Yes! - Yes!

[theme music]

[music continues]