Original subtitles

[theme music]

Well, I'm sorry, Dr. Samuels, I just can't do it.

What is it with you, Ms. Meara?

Every year I ask you to chaperone the prom

and every year you find some lame excuse to get out of it.

You know, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Last year, you said you were having your cat declawed.

The year before, you were having your cat spayed.

You know, there's nothing left for that animal.

Look, this-this, no excuses.

This year you're going to chaperone the prom.

- And you, too, sir. - What?

You're going to chaperone the prom.

The Prom? Can I?

Oh, brilliant! I'd love to go to the prom.

Granted, I don't know exactly, precisely what a prom is.

But I've seen all those prom movies, you know?

Buckets of pigs' blood pouring on girls. Shh!

Mad slashers who've been rejected for 20 years

exacting terrible revenge with chainsaws.

[imitating chainsaw whirring]

Oh, boy, I can't wait.

See? Here's someone with a good attitude.

[bell ringing]

- I hate proms. - Really? Why?

Because every year when prom time comes around

I can't stop thinking about my own senior prom

and my father standing there with a camera

and my mother's helping me fix my hair.

I'm there in my beautiful dress waiting for my date

who never showed up.

Really? What happened to him?

You know, I don't know, Billy, I just..

I never saw him again.

Well, how'd you know it was his fault?

I mean, for all you know, there could be

a stuck elevator somewhere

and a skeleton in a tuxedo with a corsage in one hand

and a roll of breath mints in the other.

Serves him right.

[bell ringing]

But anyway, will you go with me to the prom?

I promise, I won't stand you up.

I'd love to.

[laughing]

[laughing]

What, w-which one did you tell her?

The one about the, uh

the one-legged nuclear physicist

and the petri dish?

No, I asked her to go to the prom with me.

[laughing]

Oh, oh, Dennis.

It-it's nothing. It's just a prom.

It's an-an insignificant incident

in the vast time-space continuum of the universe.

Couldn't get a date, either, huh?

- That's right. - Mm-hmm.

So I'll pick you up, say, 7:30

so we can be exactly one hour late.

- Perfect. - Alright.

Darlene, Darlene

you're going to the prom with Alan?

Yeah. Why not?

He's dependable, he's tasteful, he's courteous

and he won't distract from my dress.

Oh!

Hey, T.J., can I talk to you for a second?

- Yeah, yo, what's up? - Check this out.

I just spent 200 bucks on the most beautiful

black tux you have ever seen.

From now on, when you look up Aristotle in a dictionary

it's gonna say..

..."Can't touch this."

[laughing]

Well, that sounds real cool, man.

Cool, yeah, we're gonna be the hottest couple there.

So what are you gonna bust for threads?

Um, who said I was going to the prom with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, alright, I forgot my etiquette.

Just to make it official.

T.J., may I please have the pleasure

of accompanying you to the prom?

Aristotle, I don't know yet.

You don't know? What do you mean? You're my girlfriend.

I mean, why wouldn't we go to the prom together?

You waitin' for a better offer?

Look, Aristotle, I don't wanna talk about it.

T.J., why don't you wanna talk about it?

Aristotle, I don't wanna talk about

why I don't wanna talk about it.

Will you just leave me alone?

[instrumental music]

- Darlene. - Thank you.

- Viki. - Thanks.

Aristotle.

- Eric. - Oh.

And T.J. T.J., can I see you after class, please?

No problem.

[bell ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckles] Yo, yo, Billy, my man. This is not my paper.

- Sure it is. - Unh-unh, no, it isn't.

See, it says here, "Written by Bobby Pace."

- You're right enough. - Mm-hmm.

Bobby Pace, now there's a name from the past.

Bobby Pace, the oldest boy in freshman history, huh?

The last written work we had from him

was a forged note from his doctor.

And now, suddenly, like a bolt from the blue

there's a 20-page essay

on the social conditions in pre-Tsarist Russia

leading to the Russian Revolution.

- Mm-hmm. - I am amazed!

Makes you feel real good

about our educational system, doesn't it?

- Does it ever? - Right here. Right here.

- Mm-hmm. - You know, T.J.?

You have a very, very distinctive writing style.

As a matter of fact, you're the only student I have

who always uses a phrase, "I think not"

in all of her written work.

- Bobby Pace's opening lines.. - Hm.

"Would Vladimir Lenin have been pleased

by the totalitarian state created by Stalin?"

"I think not."

T.J., you obviously wrote this piece for Bobby.

- Do you wanna talk about it? - I think not.

T.J., I haven't known you very long

but I do know that you worked incredibly hard

to get as far as the IHP and stay there.

And I don't think you'd jeopardize it

without a great reason.

Well, you're right about one thing. There is a reason.

- Good. What is it? - I can't tell you.

Oh, so what are you gonna do? Throw me out of the IHP?

- Is that what you want? - No.

You're comin' pretty close. I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'm gonna go and think about what I wanna do

and you go and think about what you wanna do.

- Okay? - Alright.

There you are. Look, I really need to talk to you.

Man, you wanna talk to me. He wants to talk to me.

Why don't you two just talk to each other?

- 'Cause I got to go. - Hey..

What's wrong with T.J. all of a sudden?

I don't know, Billy, but for the past few weeks

she's definitely needed an attitude adjustment.

Hmph!

What do you know about Bobby Pace?

- Bobby Pace? - Hm.

- Uh-oh. - What?

He's T.J.'s old boyfriend.

Ah, that could explain a lot.

It sure does.

- You want to see me? - Ah, Bobby, come in.

Alright, Pace, me and you, let's put it in the midst

right now, outside.

Hey, you're almost right.

You outside, okay?

Alright, but from now on I'm in your face.

[grunts]

[chuckles] Lucky for me, you were here, Billy.

I mean, I could have busted up my manicure on his face.

I read your paper last night, Bobby.

Yeah, was there a problem?

Problem? It was brilliant!

The sensitivity you showed in the role of women

in the Russian Revolution, it was remarkable for a male.

Huh, you know me, man, brother got to get in touch

with his feminine side. You know what I'm sayin'?

So? So is that it?

No, no, your work on Rosa Luxemburg.

It was incredible.

[snaps fingers] Thanks. Peace.

'Oh, and your theory'

about Lenin's wife being co-author

of "State And Revolution," unbelievable.

Where did you get that stuff?

Library.

- 'Really? Fantastic!' - Yeah.

Tell me more about Trotsky's role in the Russian Revolution.

Trotsky? Oh, Trotsky.

Trotsky, uh, silly me.

See, the thing about Trotsky is..

I didn't write the paper.

What? No!

I didn't even, uh, read it.

Bobby, I would give you an F

but it'd only bring your average up.

So far all we have are incompletes.

Hey, at least I handed something in.

That's got to be a step up.

Tell you what we'll do.

I want you to read your own paper, right?

I'll give you a test on it.

Who knows, you might get the best grades

in your high-school history.

[chuckles] That'd really be somethin', wouldn't it?

Me with a D.

But don't get T.J. to help you, okay?

Now, look, if you and T.J. wanna get back together

that's your own business. You know what I mean?

But this stuff's only gettin' her in trouble.

Back together? We ain't back together.

So what's she doin' all this for?

I paid her 20 bucks.

Oh, yo, she was helpin' a lot of other kids

write their papers, too.

I just gave her a hand for old times' sake.

That's what I get for being so damn sweet.

You really are a prince, Bobby, huh?

So why does she need all the money for?

I don't know, man, whatever she needs it for

she needs it now, and she needs it fast

and she needs a lot of it.

[instrumental music]

(Dennis) Yeah, my friend and I'll pick her up at 8:00.

Thank you. We're set!

[sighs] I-I don't know about this, Dennis. An escort service?

Come on, Arvid, this is gonna be great!

My date is sexy, she's gorgeous, she's tall.

O-okay, okay, but what does mine look like?

Actually, uh, a lot like mine.

- Wow. Similar. - Yeah.

- In fact, it's the same girl. - What?

Oh, come on, Arvid, what do you want for a 100 bucks?

We can only afford one girl between us.

Oh..

Maybe they can get us two short ones.

Oh!

[bell ringing]

- Hi, T.J. - Yo, what's up, Mr. Bill?

You know, T.J., I like a dollar as much as the next guy.

What am I sayin'? I'm Scottish.

I love a dollar more than the next guy.

But selling term papers for money, that's pretty low.

Yeah, I know.

You must promise you'll never do this again.

I promise. I guess you're pretty mad, huh?

No, I'm not mad. I'm kinda scared.

What do you need all this money for?

I can't tell you.

Look, whatever it is, I can help you. You must trust me.

Is it a family problem?

Is it drugs? Are you pregnant?

Come on, Billy, man, it ain't nothin' like that.

Well, what is it?

You're gonna think it's stupid.

I'm not gonna think it's stupid.

I mean, whatever it is, it must be really important

if you're gonna risk being thrown out of school for it.

Alright, I'm gonna tell you, but you gotta promise me

you're not gonna say a word to Aristotle.

- I promise. - Right, see, it's like this.

Right from the first day in the IHP

I've been trying to fit in, you know?

And just now I'm starting to feel like I belong

you know, like I was one of them.

But then all of a sudden, this prom thing comes along

smackin' me right in my face, and, Billy, man

I do not know about stuff like that.

Well, anyway, Aristotle, he really wants me to go.

But all the other girls there, Billy, man, they are gonna be

lookin' fly. That's nice, right?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Well, anyway.

I can't afford my prom dress.

It's dumb, huh?

[instrumental music]

Yo, uh, Aristotle.

Um, I got somethin' to tell you.

Um, I, uh, I can't go to the prom with you.

Yeah, I figured this was coming. You and Bobby Pace, right?

Huh! What about me and Bobby Pace?

You're going out with him again, aren't you?

Ha-ha! Please, my brother.

I'm not goin' back out with Bobby Pace, mm-mm.

T.J., that is the biggest bull I've ever heard. I hear rumors.

I see you hangin' around him and his friends after school.

You don't even spend time with me anymore.

What do you think I am, a goober?

Yes, and for your information

I've been helpin' him with his school work.

Bah! School work? Bobby Pace?

What are you helpin' him do, spell his graffiti?

Okay, if you must know, I've been selling term papers

to him and his friends!

What?

T.J., are you out of your mind? You know what can happen to you?

No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

For one, you can get thrown out of school.

Uh, secondly, you-you'll lose any chance

of getting any type of college education.

'Thirdly, you'll destroy your future, our future.'

What could possibly be so important to risk all that?

Aristotle, I told you I can't tell you.

You can't tell me? I thought we had some kinda relationship--

Aristotle, we do have a relationship, but--

Oh, some kinda relationship!

You hang out with your old gang, you lie to me

and you won't even go out with me. This is great, T.J.

You know what? This is over. We're over.

Aristotle.

Oh, Billy, look.

Hey, that's gorgeous.

But you know, I can't wear chiffon.

Yeah. Them sequence tear my armpits to bits.

Billy, it's my prom dress.

I'm gonna have it altered during lunch.

You know, this has been in the back of my closet for twen..

Well, years and, and now I'm, I'm finally going to the prom

with someone I wanna wear it for.

- Geez. Yeah, you can wear that. - Yeah.

Or you could let someone else wear that even.

My dress? Why would I let somebody else wear my dress?

Oh, come on, Bernadette.

You don't need that dress to be beautiful

any more than a heather-covered hillside in Scotland

needs the morning mist.

- You buying this? - No, I'm not.

- Billy, what is it? - It's T.J.

She can't go to the prom. She can't afford a gown.

Oh, so you want me to give up my dress

a dress that has incredible sentimental value

so that T.J. can go to the prom?

Yes.

Well, I think that's the nicest way

a man has ever talked me out of my dress.

[instrumental music]

No, no, I'm not gonna take it.

It's bad enough you told Ms. Meara, Billy.

But now everybody in the whole school is gonna know

I can't afford my own prom dress.

T.J., this isn't pride. This is ridiculous.

If you don't go to your prom

you could regret this for the rest of your life.

I mean, you don't wanna end up

some dreadful old wrinkled spinster.

'Think.'

With your old prom dress tucked away

in a closet somewhere.

Yeah, to remind you of some ancient prom

that the whole world's forgotten about.

Your only company

a grandfather clock in the parlor

ticking away the wasted seconds

of a tragically wasted life.

For God's sakes, T.J., take the dress

before he completely buries me.

But I don't have anybody to wear it for.

Aristotle and I cut it loose, you know, broke up.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. When did that happen?

Well, see, we got into this big fight, right

'cause I didn't wanna go to the prom

and because I was too proud and too embarrassed

to tell him I couldn't afford a dress.

Well, can't you go to the prom on your own, then?

Oh, yeah, that would be great.

Come on, Billy, I wanna fit in, not be the school joke.

In that case

I would be very honored

if you would accompany me to the prom.

Well..

- Oh. - Okay.

Thanks.

[instrumental music]

♪ Let the drum machine move ♪

♪ Risin' over top of you like Jordan ♪

♪ Yomo and solo no more never mind a thing.. ♪♪

I know how important proms are to boys, Alex

and I just want you to know

if you tell anyone that we do anything tonight

I'll kill you.

- Hey! - Hi!

- You look great. - Thanks.

So, uh, where's your date?

Well, I don't have one.

I mean, a couple of guys asked, but I figured

there was no sense in comin' with someone

I wasn't really crazy about.

Yeah, me, too. Yeah.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪♪

Hey, that's our song.

- You wanna dance? - Okay.

♪ That brought you to me that night ♪

You know, Eric, this isn't our song.

I know.

Well, maybe it will be.

♪ My defenses came tumbling down ♪

♪ I was lost until I found.. ♪

Aristotle. How are you doin'?

I'd like you to meet Colleen.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Pretty impressive, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Well, Colleen, uh, looks like the A-list isn't here yet.

So why don't you go outside and check and see if, uh

Arvid's date is ready?

Okay.

So, uh, where's T.J.?

- We cut it loose. - Huh?

- Broke up. - Oh, I'm sorry.

No date to the prom, huh?

Gee, I wonder what that feels like.

Dennis..

Hey, Aristotle.

How are you doin'?

I'd like you to meet my date, Maureen.

- Hi. - We've met.

Oh, oh, no, that was, uh, Maureen's twin sister, Colleen.

Uh, Dennis' date.

So, uh, care to dance, Colleen?

Maureen?

Arvid. Come here. Come here.

Excuse me, uh, Mo.

Excuse me.

- May I have this dance? - Sure.

Great, now we're paying for Dr. Samuels

to dance with our date.

This is comin' out of your time.

My time?

- 'Oh, wow!' - You look fabulous!

Thank you, thank you.

T.J.. Ah..

Uh, w-what are you trying to do to me?

I mean, first of all, you don't go to the prom with me

and then you show up looking absolutely beautiful.

You're driving me crazy.

- You know this guy? - I think not.

Hm, I get it, I take you to the prom

but your heart belongs to another.

I am a crushed person.

I yield to the better, thinner man.

I shall seek solace in the unfathomable depths

of yonder punch bowl. Excuse me.

So, um, would you like to dance?

Sure.

♪ Baby if this isn't love ♪♪

[instrumental music]

- Have you seen Darlene? - Well, Alan..

I thought she was supposed to come with you.

- 'Yeah.' - I forgot her.

Well, I-I, I didn't forget her, I was checkin' out the limo

and trying to find a corsage

whose scent wouldn't clash with her perfume.

I had so many things to do to make the evening perfect

that I showed up late, and she'd already left.

Darlene.

- Darlene, I'm.. - Where were you?

- Alan? - Darlene, I..

I was waiting outside and it started to rain.

- Darlene, I'm-- - So I tried to get a taxi.

Do you know how hard it is to get a taxi?

- In the rain, Alan? - I know, I know, Darlene.

I ended up having to walk

fourteen blocks in the rain!

- Alan. - Darlene..

Smelly man tried to speak to me, Alan.

Darlene, I am so sorry.

Here's your corsage.

Thanks.

Still mad?

No. It's over. I'm not mad.

Good.

Could you please do something with your hair?

What'd I say?

It's 9:01 and we're still here.

Oh, Jasper, it's wonderful.

How'd you ever get your parents to let you stay out so late?

Simple, I march right up to them

and told them that I'm a mature young man

capable of handling adult responsibilities.

Wow, and they just agreed just like that?

Well, not exactly.

I had to promise to live at home until I have my first child.

So you went through all that just to look nice for me?

[chuckles] Please, Aristotle. Do not flatter yourself.

Well, look. I went through this to look nice for you.

Well, I guess it was part of it.

T.J., it doesn't matter to me what you wear.

Oh, yeah, but when I walked in here wearing this dress

it sure did matter to you.

- Yes, I guess that's true. - No, but it's more than that.

I guess it kinda, you know, hurt my pride

you know, to be the poor kid in the class

who couldn't afford to go to the prom.

T.J., you don't need a dress to have pride.

You've always had it and you always will.

[rock music]

Oh, dear.

Looks like your date stood you up.

- Yeah. - Yeah, mine, too.

- Must be an idiot, huh? - Oh, he is, but he's very cute.

Would you like to go to the prom?

I'd love to go to the prom.

♪ We made this prom night ♪

♪ And set this fire burning ♪

♪ Forever again I find it.. ♪♪

[cheering]

[theme music]