Original subtitles

[theme music]

It dawned on me that in the world today

there are far too many weapons

and far too few politicians

being smacked in the mouth.

Could have some startling results, couldn't you?

Mr. Hitler, could you please give me some idea

of your moral standing?

Oh, success is the only earthly judge of right and wrong.

Oh, really? I'll ask you again.

Mr. Nixon, could you give us a brief description

of your occupation?

I am not a crook.

Oh, really? I'll ask you again.

Mr. President, what are your current views on Vietnam?

There will be no Americans going to Vietnam.

Oh, really? I'll ask you again.

- You gettin' my drift? - Read my lips. No new taxes.

[gasping]

[bell ringing]

Oh, thank God for that.

[laughing]

I think you're gettin' my drift, okay?

Now, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to go into teams, pair off, teams of two

and give me essays on the great lies in history.

Simone, do you wanna work with me?

Oh, sure. Sounds great.

- So let's start tonight, okay? - Okay.

I cannot believe that she's gonna work with Alex.

I know, the last time I did a project with Alex

I was the project.

Hey, hey, Simone, be careful.

Alex is gonna try that, I've-got-an-idea

let's-work- at-my-apartment ploy.

And then you're gonna show up, and surprise, surprise

his mother's just gonna happen to be gone for the evening.

Eric, thanks for your concern.

It's very sweet, but you've gotta get on with your life.

Oh, please.

Alright, you wanna see me get on with my life?

Alright. Yo, Viki.

Simone, listen, I've got an idea.

Can we work at my place tonight?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

She's in the ladies' room.

- Who? - Who? Ms. Meara. That's who.

You think I don't know about you two?

Think I don't have eyes?

Uh, she's a wonderful girl, Dr. Samuels.

- We had a brilliant weekend. - I'll bet you did.

Yeah, we went to the theater, went for dinner.

And then?

Oh, on Sunday, we went to the zoo.

- And then? - Well..

In the morning, I had to get up and come here.

No, no, no, no, before morning.

After the zoo.

- 'Hi.' - Hi.

- Hi. - Uh..

Dr. Samuels, could we have a moment alone?

Of course.

You dirty dog, you.

Now, was that a great weekend?

It was wonderful. Yeah, it was really very nice.

So how about movies tonight, then?

No, um, Billy, it was great

but I-I don't think I can go out with you anymore.

What?

Why?

I don't wanna talk about it.

[instrumental music]

[doorbell ringing]

- Come on in, Simone. - Okay.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, Alex, I-I feel silly even mentioning this.

It's just that, well..

Well, all the other kids are at the library working

and here we are in your apartment..

Oh, never mind. Your mom's here and everything, right?

No, she isn't.

- Oh. - Well, she's at work.

I mean, that's why I asked you to come over here

'cause I have some stuff to do for my mom.

I mean, you wanna work or not?

I don't know, uh..

- Hey, what smells so good? - Arroz con pollo.

My special recipe.

Chicken with rice. Do you wanna taste?

No, thanks. Alex, I should tell you.

- I-I think I made a mistake. - What? It tastes good.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh. Excuse me for a second. I'll be right back.

- Uh, I should go. - Mom.

[speaking in foreign language]

Yeah?

Mommy, this is Simone. Simone, this is my mother.

Oh, Mrs. Torres

I can't tell you how relieved I am to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Simone.

Now I see why you don't go back to parochial school.

I'll do that, you see to your company.

No, mama, you've been on your feet all day, okay?

I'll do it, you sit down. Come on.

Oh, he spoils me.

Alex looks after me like a mother hen.

Gracias, hijo. He cooks, he cleans.

Ever since I had to go to work because his father died.

- Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Torres. - Don't be. He's not dead.

He ran off to Miami Beach with some cocktail waitress.

If he shows his face around here again, he's dead.

- Mama! - Oh, I'm sorry.

I promised Father Rodriguez I would stop doing that.

Do 15 "Hail Marys" and set the table, please.

Oh, then I guess I better be going.

- Oh, no, stay. - No.

- Eat with us. - Yeah.

- Oh, but I-- - Oh, I insist.

Such a pretty face at the table would be nice, eh?

Mama, there's always a pretty face when you're around.

Oh, such a good boy.

Isn't he a good boy?

Alex, you're like a whole another person

when you're around your mother.

I mean, you're sweet and sensitive and kind.

Thanks.

Well, why can't you be like that

around other women?

What are you talking about?

That's no woman, that's my mother.

[instrumental music]

Well, this is a picture of Alex's first bath.

And here's a picture of Alex as an altar boy

and here's Alex with Santa Claus.

Oh, you're so cute!

And this is a picture of Alex

with his father in Puerto Rico.

Here's a picture of Alex in Puerto Rico.

- Mom. - Oh, Alex, it's okay.

You know, maybe we should just start our homework tomorrow.

Mrs. Torres, thank you very much. I had a wonderful time.

Oh, you are a lovely young lady.

Come back soon.

- You should date this one. - Mom!

Well, goodnight, Alex.

I'm really glad you could come over.

- I really had a nice time. - Oh, so did I, Alex.

Bye.

[instrumental music]

I just don't think it's right to date the men

that I work with.

But how are people supposed to get together

if they can't get together f-for the get-together?

Well, they should meet at-at restaurants

or museums and clubs.

Okay, then, why don't you go to your singles' bar

and I'll come and pick you up, huh?

I can wander across and hit you with some old chestnut like

"Hey, don't I know you from some place?"

And you can say, "Oh, I don't know.

But I work at Fillmore."

And I can say, "So do I! What a coincidence!"

And you can say, "How interesting!

We have so much in common."

And I can say, "Excuse me, but I'm gonna have to mingle

"because I'm actually looking for a Tibetan yak milker

who does a wee bit of dental hygiene work on the side."

And you can say, "Oh, that's okay

"because I've got my eye on an Albanian trapeze artist

"who's married to his work and therefore

won't come and bother me at Fillmore."

You're right, it is silly.

And that's not the reason that I won't go out with you.

It's another man, isn't it?

You're actually in love

with an Albanian trapeze artist.

I knew it!

No, there is no other man, Billy.

- What is it then? You're a nun? - Stop it.

Well, what's the reason? You think I'm a nun?

- You're a nut! - That's it!

You think there's a history of insanity

in my family, don't you?

Yes, I do, Billy, but that's not the reason.

[instrumental music]

So Churchill knew that Germany was planning to bomb Coventry.

But if he warned the people there, Hitler would've known

that England had cracked the German codes.

Mm-hmm, that's why, Darlene, he made a judgment

that it was more important to the war effort to lie

than to tell the whole truth.

Yeah.

[applauding]

Good, Darlene.

Excellent work, girls, excellent work.

Great. Anybody else ready with the report?

- Alex? Simone? - Can we have one more day?

Uh, yeah, we got together last night

but we never actually got around to doing the report.

- Whoo! - Whoo!

Wait a minute, doesn't anybody have any privacy

around here anymore?

Simone says she didn't do her report

and you go, "Whoo!"

I mean, what's that supposed to mean? "Whoo!"

As far as I'm concerned, there's far too much whooing going on.

I personally received a whoo from Dr. Samuels this morning

simply because I went out with Ms. Meara.

Alright, go ahead.

(all) Whoo! Whoo!

[bell ringing]

- Get outta here. - 'Whoo!'

- So, uh.. - Well, so then..

- I'll see you again tonight. - Okay.

Uh, Alex..

Hey, my man, getting some of that good, good loving?

Hey, come on, Arvid, we're talking about Saint Simone.

Alex couldn't get to first base with her.

Hey, don't be so sure.

Oh, Alex, are you trying to tell us

that you took Little Red Riding Hood

all the way to grandma's house?

What?

What he's trying to say is that

did you and Goldilocks

finish the porridge?

[laughing]

Why don't you guys come right out and say what you mean?

No, Alex, that's.. Look.

Don't even lower yourself to respond to them.

Now, while those children are speaking in nursery rhymes

you and I are both men of the world

and we both know that you didn't

well, you know, nibble at the gingerbread house.

[laughing]

- Hey, you don't know that. - What? Really?

- You and Simone-- - Hey, I'm not saying yes.

- And I'm not saying no. - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- Then that means no. - I didn't say that.

- Well, then you're saying yes. - He means yes?

Well, yes. Alright?

[instrumental music]

She didn't. Simone?

Uh-huh, that's what Alan told me Alex told him.

- Told you what? - Well, that Alex and Simone..

I can't say it here.

Well, you know, Sarah's

my girlfriend and everything.

Wait, remember chapter five from the life science's book?

Alex and Simone had mitosis?

- I meant chapter six. - Oh!

Darlene, come here, come here!

You're not gonna believe what Jasper couldn't tell me.

What? What? What?

[gasps] Chapter six?

Uh-huh.

And the first part of chapter seven.

- Hey, you! I wanna talk to you! - About what?

Hey, you know about what, Alex.

You and Simone, you're a real jerk.

Hey, who are you to get in my face?

You don't even date Simone anymore.

Hey, hey, we had a relationship

and whatever we did or didn't do was built on respect!

And that's why I didn't go around telling everybody

what we did or didn't.

[bell ringing]

Morning, geniuses!

- Good morning, Billy. - Good morning, Billy.

Well, I believe we were discussing

Jasper and Alan's report on the Spanish Civil War.

Well, the biggest lie about the Spanish Civil War

was that it was a civil war.

In actual fact

it wasn't a civil war at all.

It was a mere take-over by fascists.

- And Generalissimo-- - Uh, excuse me, guys.

What's going on?

[scoffs] As if you didn't know.

Alex, in the hall.

- Ooh.. - Ooh..

Alex, do I understand what I think I understand

about you and Simone and you telling everybody?

Okay, maybe I accidentally let a few things slip

about what we did the other night.

Alex, sex is an intimate, beautiful thing

shared by two people.

I mean, you don't see me running around

bragging about my love life, do ya?

- Do you have one? - Well..

But if I did, I can assure you

you would be the first not to know about it.

I mean, what you and Simone do

is absolutely none of my business.

So then why are we here?

Because it's none of their business, either.

Eric, what's going on?

Tsk. I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, are you mad at me?

No, uh, I'm not mad.

I'm-I'm disappointed, but I'm not mad.

I'm bitter, I'm shocked, I'm frustrated, I'm humiliated

but I'm not mad.

Okay, I'm miffed.

Well, well, is it something I did?

You know what you did, the whole class knows

what you did with Alex last night.

What's the big deal?

I did it with Alan last week

and Arvid last year!

Arvid?

Gross!

(Simone) 'Eric!'

I-I did it with you all the time.

What are we talking about here?

We're talking about homework.

Homework? That's not what Alex said.

Well, what did Alex say?

- That you did it with him! - What?

[door opens]

Okay, back to Generalissimo--

Alex, in the hall.

- Ooh.. - Ooh..

Simone, look, I know what you're gonna say--

Alex, what would possess you to say that?

Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

Oh, what, it was an accident?

You meant to say, "Good morning," and somehow

came out "Simone and I had sex?"

Oh, yeah, that's an easy mistake to make.

Look, you don't understand. I-it wasn't my fault.

It was the guys, I mean, they just naturally assumed--

Assumed? With no help from you?

Look, I'm sorry.

I-if there's anything I can do to make it up you, you know--

Tell 'em the truth, Alex.

Come on, that's gonna be a little hard to do

don't you think? I mean, I mean..

What's the big deal, anyway?

Look, it'll all blow over by our ten-year reunion.

I mean, in years from now, you're gonna

look back on this and you're gonna laugh--

I don't think it's funny

and I want you to tell them the truth.

Look, I'll be the laughing stock of this school!

Like, my reputation's at stake here--

Oh, and mine isn't? Alex.

I'm giving you one last chance.

Tell them the truth.

- It's too late, I-I can't. - No. You mean you won't.

Which brings us rather neatly to Generalissimo--

Uh, I have an announcement to make.

[indistinct]

Well, I just wanna set the record straight.

I guess you all heard that Alex and I, um, well, we, you know--

Don't you kids have diaries?

Please, Billy, I, I need to clear the air.

Well, I just wanna let you know

that what Alex said was true

'except for one thing.'

- Simone, what are you doing? - Well..

It's just that, for my first time, I was expecting..

Well, I mean, it's just that Alex wasn't very..

- 'Huh?' - 'What?'

Oh, it was just over so..

Simone!

[all gasping]

[students laughing]

Alex, I'm sorry

but you were a major disappointment.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

(Dennis) No, I'm serious, it said on the bathroom wall.

"There once was a guy, Alex Torres

whose folks should have named him Delores 'cause--"

- Here he comes! - Alright. Ahem.

Hey-hey, Big Al.

Well, Al..

[laughing]

That's enough. Why don't you leave me alone?

- Hey.. - Will you?

This is pathetic, he's getting

dissed by nerds.

[bell ringing]

Hi, Alex, how you feelin'?

- Miserable. - Good.

Because you've been behaving like a creep.

Mind you, you're a pathetic kinda creep.

Listen..

Sex is an intimate

beautiful, intimidating

frightening thing.

And it doesn't surprise me one bit

that under a lot of pressure

you had, you had a little problem.

Thanks, but I didn't have a problem.

Hey! No need to be defensive with me, you know?

Before sex is even attempted

you should be fully mature, you know

consider all the ramifications.

Disease, pregnancy

your feelings, her feelings.

It's obvious to me, you just weren't mature enough.

Billy, nothing happened. I didn't have sex with Simone.

Then why did you let me go through the long, boring speech?

And why did you say you did?

Because I'm a pathetic creep, remember?

Oh, yeah.

But why did she say you did?

I guess 'cause she wanted to ruin my reputation

the way I ruined hers.

- Simone did that? - Yeah. Can you believe that?

[chuckles]

[laughing]

Oh, that's brilliant.

[laughing]

I love it. Hey!

You should get together with her. She's a great girl.

[laughing]

Simone. Look, that's it.

- I've taken all I can take. - I don't know what you mean.

Oh, yes, you do, and I want you to go right in there

and just tell 'em that you've been lying!

Oh, what's the big deal, Alex?

Ten years from now we're gonna be laughing about this, right?

Oh, come on, Simone, please. You're killing me here.

Oh, I understand, but I have a reputation.

Remember, I'm the girl who sleeps around?

- No, you're not. - No, I wasn't!

Until you came along, Alex.

I don't even know how you could do that to me.

You know, you have no idea what sex means to me.

I don't wanna have sex till I'm married, okay?

Now you can think of it however you want, but to me

it's the highest, most intense thing you can share with someone

and I intend that someone to be my partner for life.

For you to make a joke of that, of me..

...you must really hate me.

(Billy) In fact, Casal

Picasso, many great artists

refused to return to Spain until Generalissimo--

- Excuse me, everybody. - Oh, to hell with it!

Before we start class, I have something to say to all of you.

It's about Simone and me.

- Ooh-ooh-ooh.. - Excuse me!

This could be very important, keep your whoos until later.

I just want you all to know that, um..

...I didn't do it with Simone.

Nothing happened.

Uh, I-I made the whole thing up.

I don't even know why I did it, I..

I lied, yes, I do.

I just wanted to impress you guys.

I was afraid to admit that I wasn't some kinda macho man.

[laughing]

I knew she didn't.

I mean, if she couldn't with me, she couldn't with him.

Yeah, yeah, not, not to say that she didn't with me.

- Alright, she didn't. - Eric, we knew.

I know that must've been difficult for you, Alex

but tough.

You know what the worst thing about this is?

It's that I hurt somebody that I really care about.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Billy, I don't think you're getting the hang of it.

This isn't a whoo moment.

- Well, what kinda moment is it? - It's an aww moment.

- Yeah. - Aww.

[instrumental music]

Okay, Bernadette.

This is definitely the very final last chance.

I have concealed about my person

two tickets for the hottest show in New York

"Miss Saigon." What do you say?

Billy, I'm not going out with you anymore.

What? I've been all over the world and I've never met anyon--

That you spent more than five minutes at a time with?

Billy, I can't get involved with you.

And I can't face the possibility of coming in here one morning

and having Dr. Samuels say, "Oh, he got restless

and went off to Islamabad."

But I would never go to Islamabad again.

Don't you see, a-about next week or next month or next year

you're, like, you're just gonna be somewhere else.

- No, I wouldn't. - Yes, you would.

Well, why don't you read the tickets?

See what you notice.

Cheapest seats in the house.

Not that. The date.

It's for two years from next July.

- Well, do we have a date? - Yes.

And perhaps we could have a little dinner

between now and then, say, Easter-ish?

- How about tonight? - Yeah.

Whoo. Don't tell me there's nothing going on here.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]