Original subtitles

[theme music]

Are we descended from apes, hmm?

1925, Tennessee.

It was absolutely illegal to teach the theory of evolution

in a public school.

And in Dayton, Tennessee

the famous Scopes Monkey Trial.

A local school teacher, John Scopes

was found guilty and almost went to jail because of it.

Got off on a very, very small point to the law.

And isn't it ironic, that we, the human race while admitting

that we're intellectually superior

have difficulty in living with the concept

that we may be descended from a lower life form?

[buzzing]

You filthy little bugger.

Stay absolutely still, Eric. Absolutely still.

Mr. MacGregor, what are you doing?

We're just discussing the theory of evolution

as relates to the simple housefly.

Not quite so simple when you look into it, incidentally.

Do you know the housefly has a 100 eyes?

Beats its wings a 150 times a second?

Has its own jet propulsion system

and can reproduce itself a million times

in its own lifetime.

A minor miracle in his own right.

[buzzing]

Gotcha, you little..

Can't you use slides like all the other teachers?

- Something wrong, Dr. Samuels? - Yes.

The board of education is sending someone

to observe your teaching methods.

- I don't have any. - Well, get some.

Do you know who they're sending?

Herbert Finneman.

Herbert Finneman!

You mean he is alive?

But I saw him die.

I killed him myself

with a number two pencil to his heart

with my own bare hands.

Who is Herbert Finneman?

No idea.

I'll tell you who he is.

He's the toughest supervisor on the board.

He's been gunning for me for years.

Finneman just doesn't like my creative, open-minded style.

And you're as much a free spirit as I am.

So, you better can this stuff and act normal for a few days.

Well, you heard the man.

For the next few days, we're gonna have to act

like a normal, regular class.

- Oh. - Oh.

Except with a monkey.

Arvid!

If that's your idea of a date

you're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I resent that.

I was talking to the monkey.

She's not a monkey, she's an ape.

This is Maisy

from the pet shop where I work.

Oh, isn't she cute?

You know, I have a spiritual connection

with all members of the animal kingdom.

I, on the other hand, had banana bread for breakfast.

Well, you were teaching Darwinism.

I thought bringing Maisy would be a great way

to illustrate his theory of evolution.

Oh, she's absolutely perfect.

But wouldn't the guy at the shop mind that you brought her here?

Oh, no, Mr. Birch doesn't care about her.

He-he doesn't realize how smart she is.

I've been teaching her for months

'how to communicate with man.'

A few more lessons and she'll qualify

for the free weekend in Bermuda.

Come on, Arvid, I mean, everybody knows

monkeys can't talk.

Hey, of course not.

They can't vocalize the way we can.

Huh. Neither can Milli Vanilli.

No, guys, look, I made this.

Electronic...icon board.

Each key has a symbol drawn on it.

Banana means food, heart means love.

I also have keys for big, little, hello, goodbye.

Come on, Maisy.

[Arvid chuckling]

Must like you, Billy.

Yeah, don't worry about it, Arvid.

I'm used to women clinging to me.

Not normally with the feet though.

Oh, isn't she adorable?

(Arvid) 'What is your name?'

[beeps]

- 'Wow.' - 'Hey.'

Big deal, so she knows a few words.

That's just reward response training.

Animals will do anything to get food.

Yeah, but at least they don't borrow your lunch money.

Well, I'll have you know that Maisy

can make sentences with these words.

Ah, which just goes to show you

that it isn't language that separates us from animals.

They choose not to speak to us.

You know, I read that there are chimpanzees

at Central Washington University

who learned sign language.

[indistinct muttering]

"Food." Oh, very good, Maisy.

Oh, big deal.

Perfect. Well, very good, Dennis.

'"Ape big."'

[laughing] She's calling you a big ape.

Oh, funny, very funny.

Very funny, Maisy.

How would you like a once-over with an apple lady?

Oh, does Maisy wanna look in daddy's locker?

Looks like she does.

Look, Maisy, look in the mirror.

There's me and there's you.

Wait, there's me and there's you.

Hey, Arvid, we're gonna be late for the Star Trek convention.

- Are you coming or what? - Oh. Sorry, Dennis. I can't.

I have to spend some quality time with Maisy.

Well, excuse me, Mr. Dances-with-chimps.

Dennis, you're not jealous of Maisy, are you?

Jealous? Why would I be jealous?

'Cause I can't scratch myself in public?

You-you always scratch yourself in public.

You don't wanna go to the Star Trek convention

with the mean man, now, do you, Maisy?

Oh, that's it. I am outta here.

Mr. Finneman? I've heard of him.

Oh, Billy, you're gonna lose your job.

If you lose your job, I'll--

Do what?

Well, I'll, I'll be not quite as happy as I would've been

were you not to have been, you know, let go.

Oh-ho-ho-ho. You passionate creature.

- Come to me, you fiery vixen. - Oh, stop it.

Come to my arms, you beautiful thing.

[exhales]

- Okay. - Oh, you'll..

[shrieks]

- Billy! The monkey. - What? What monkey?

The monkey you have around your neck.

That's not a monkey. That's an ape.

For a minute there, I thought there was

a monkey loose about the place.

Can you imagine such a thing?

Relax, Bernadette, we're merely using Maisy to teach Darwin.

That's all. There's nothing serious about it.

Just a school-girl crush. You know, that kind of thing.

I'm sorry, Billy.

I guess, uh, Maisy wanted to say

goodbye to you before we headed back

to the pet shop.

Come on, girl. Come on.

Maybe she senses you're in heat.

Oh.

[instrumental music]

- Here we go. - Ah, there.

- Come on, Maisy. - Oh, Maisy, look...bananas.

- Very good. - There you go, Maisy.

(Arvid) 'Into your little metal condo.'

Oh, look, Mr. Bunny Rabbit is back from vacation.

It's a new Mr. Bunny.

The old one was eaten

by a Mr. Boa Constrictor.

Hmm.

Hey, what a nice place you've got here, eh?

Oh, look. What a brilliant parrot!

He's reading "The New York Times."

Just filled in the crossword puzzle out.

Y-you know, I hate putting Maisy in this cage.

It's just that I'm afraid that one day

Mr. Birch will sell her.

Of course he will, Arvid.

I mean, that's the whole purpose

of having these creatures

around here, isn't it?

I mean, it's hardly a zoo, is it?

Well, it's different with Maisy.

(Billy) 'Yeah. Oh, don't worry about her.'

You've probably got a few weeks

even months before he sells her

I should imagine, eh?

Yeah, but..

...sometimes it just gets me down.

You okay, Arvid?

- I'm fine. - Good.

Well, cheerio, Maisy.

Hey, you've been a splendid pupil.

I've really enjoyed your company.

Maybe we should meet some other time

and pick lice off each other, eh?

See you later, Arvid, I have to go.

Goodbye, Billy.

Hey. Great news, Arvid.

Yeah, what?

Oh, I finally found a buyer for Maisy.

You sold her?

No. No, uh, I'm giving her away.

Didn't you see the sign, "Free monkeys here?"

[scoffs] Of course, I sold her.

B-b-but you can't. We-we have a relationship.

The, uh.. I mean, Maisy is very smart.

I am teaching her language.

Good, good. Tell her to clean her cage and pack.

[instrumental music]

So, how do I look?

[all laughing]

Like you're dressed for Benny Hill's funeral.

I'm trying to avoid a funeral. My own.

Look, I have to look sort of respectable

for this guy who's coming from the board of education.

[chuckling] Thank God, he's not here yet.

Yeah, well, let's hope he's late.

'Cause maybe, Billy

that peachy keen style of yours

will have time to make a comeback.

[all laughing]

[bell rings]

Okay, before the dreaded Herbert Finneman arrives

let me put you in the picture.

I have to act like normal here, okay?

So, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna give you loads of dates and stuff, right?

You copy them down onto your notebooks. Okay?

Then I'm gonna give you a little quiz thing.

At that time, you take the dates from the notebooks

and transfer them to little bits of paper.

I'll come around, collect the bits of paper.

If the dates coincide with the dates I gave you

in the first place, I'll give you an A.

- How does that sound? - Sounds good.

Billy, you gotta help me. I'm in big trouble.

What's she doing here?

- I liberated her. - What does that mean?

- I rescued her. - From what?

Okay, I stole her.

Oh, Arvid!

[indistinct chatter]

I-I had to steal her.

She was gonna be a toy for some six-year-old

who's gonna wonder where to put the batteries.

That doesn't seem right to me, Arvid.

I know, I-I tried to deliver her last night.

But I-I just couldn't.

So I took her home, but then Maisy got upset.

She was swinging from the drapes.

Ate a bowl of wax fruit.

S-s-she turned on all the taps.

And-and had a food fight with my father.

[sighs] She's so sensitive.

Anyway, my parents wanted her out of there, so..

Here we are, just two crazy kids on the run.

Let's just hope that Mr. Finneman

doesn't walk in here right now.

You know, Billy, I've been working with her for so long

playing with her, teaching her things..

...I feel like a father to her.

I feel a father's pride, his joy.

And I want the very best for her.

What do you want for her, Arvid?

Oh, what any father wants. A good education.

She should be in an ape IHP.

I want her in one of those animal intelligence programs

at a good university.

She's gonna be a big surprise at panty raids.

Hey! Hey, here comes Dr. Samuels.

Dr. Samuels.. Eric, quickly, your jacket.

Aristotle, your hat.

Viki, quick. Take off your blouse.

- Nice try, Alex. - Here you are, come on.

Just a reminder, everyone. Mr. Finneman is coming.

And he has it in for me personally.

So I want everybody to go along with the program, okay?

- Okay. - No monkey business.

[Maisy squeaking]

Cut it out, Blunden.

It worked. Oh, great. Come on, Maisy.

Come on, baby. Let's go. Yes.

Oh, that's great, Billy. Thanks.

Yeah. You fooled Dr. Samuels.

But you still got to get her out of here.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Oh, Bernadette. Arvid just stole a monkey.

- Yeah. An ape. - I know.

Your boss just called. He's furious, Arvid.

He's on his way over to pick it up.

And if he doesn't get it

he's going to call the police.

- Oh.. - She is cute.

Oh, mom must have finked. How could she do that?

E-especially after Maisy ripped the phone cord out of the wall.

I know, I-I'll head Mr. Birch off at the parking lot

and try to talk some sense into him.

Billy.. Here you go, Maisy.

Come on. Here we go, Maisy.

- Yeah, put-- - Oh. There we go.

You hide Maisy.

Arvid, I can't do that for you.

But for you, anythin'.

Is this room 19?

Billy, Billy. It's the dude from the pet store.

Oh, yeah? Great.

Before you start carrying on here about the monkey

let me show you somethin'.

Sit down. I know what you are thinking.

You think this is some kind of banana disposal unit?

Well, I've got something to tell you, pal.

You're a bigot.

Yeah. Yes. You're anti-simian. You think she has no feelings.

You think she has no soul.

Well, all of us here

who have worked with Maisy agree she is highly intelligent.

And deserves to be treated with the highest dignity.

- Right? - That's right.

The only reason she is in this class is because

we are discussing the Scopes Monkey Trial, Tennessee, 1925.

Hey, that's not a bad idea. Right enough.

Jasper, could you hook up Arvid's icon board thing?

Hey, no problem, you just run the eight-pin cord

from the output jack to the parallel port on the computer--

What I mean is, would you do it please?

- Oh.. - Please.

- Okay, sure. - Good.

Great, I'll be the incredibly brilliant

defense attorney Clarence Darrow.

I'll be the prosecutor, William Jennings Bryan.

Oh, Billy. Who's gonna be the judge?

All rise for the honorable T.J. Jones.

- This better be good. - You're in contempt, buddy.

Hear ye. Hear ye.

The honorable T.J. Jones presiding.

The case of chimp versus chump

is now in session.

Yo, Clarence. Talk to me, baby.

With your permission, Your Honor

I'd like to call my first witness.

Would you like to state your full name to this court please?

[keys clicking]

- 'Hey.' - 'Hey.'

I object. I object.

Punchin' a button does not necessarily

constitute human intelligence.

Neither does passing the bar exam.

Thank you, Your Honor.

You, sir.

Do you realize that the genes of man and chimpanzees

are 98.9 percent identical?

Uh, no. No, I, uh, didn't know that.

Oh. And you call yourself a higher life form?

[laughing]

And you know, behavioral scientists

say that they have the intelligence level

of a two-year-old human.

Yeah, and there's a gorilla in California

that's learned 800 words.

And I've read about a chimpanzee who taught a baby sign language.

And they're even capable of telling jokes.

One chimp pointed to a white wall and signed the word black.

Okay, I can't tell jokes.

Trust me, it's funny when the ape tells it.

Okay, let's see if you can do as well.

Do you recognize this?

[scoffs] Of course, it's an ap--

Ah-ah-ah-ah. On the computer please.

Uh, well, ahem, I'm not very good with, uh, computers.

(Billy) 'Oh.'

[beep]

It's amazing. I mean, she's almost human.

Yeah. She does blur the distinction somewhat, huh?

I rest my case.

Alright then, ladies and gentlemen of the jury

have you reached a verdict?

- Yeah, we have. - Yes, we have, Your Honor.

And we find the defendant to be more intelligent

than most members of the current administration.

Well, then the court finds that the defendant

should not go back to the pet shop. Mnm-mnm.

- I agree. - Yeah.

[applauding]

E-e-excuse me. H-has anyone seen Mr. Birch?

I-I can't find him anywhere.

He's right in front of you. Your boss.

That's not him.

Perhaps this would be a good time to introduce myself.

Herbert Finneman. Board of Education.

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh, how do you do? I'm Charlie Moore.

Excuse me. I'm looking for the IHP.

Oh, yes, sir. We've been expecting you.

Let me just say that Mr. MacGregor

is one of the finest teachers I've ever known.

I mean, known in a professional sense.

I don't mean, you know.. Never mind. Uh..

He's a really good teacher and I would..

Well, we here at Fillmore would really appreciate it

if you would just give him the benefit of the doubt.

Sure, honey. Whatever blows your skirt up.

I thought it was a, a very interesting way

of illustrating Darwinism.

You know, a, a friend of mine at Harvard

works with behavioral sciences.

I bet they'd just love to work with Maisy.

So, you don't mind the unorthodox methods then?

Ah, what the hey! I'm a little zany myself.

- Eh, one thing though. - Yeah?

- Lose the suit. - Oh..

So, is everything going along alright in here? Hmm.

Mr. MacGregor, there's a monkey in your class.

Why in the world is there a monkey in here?

That's not your monkey, is it?

No, and it's an ape.

Oh..

Well, Mr. Finneman, uh, I can assure you, sir

this is not the kind of thing that normally goes on in IHP.

- Hmm, it is a little bizarre. - And I apologize for that.

No, wait a minute.

Okay. Maybe it is a little bizarre.

But you can't blame Mr. MacGregor.

'It so happens he's got an ape in here'

because he's teaching them the history of a..

I don't know what he's teaching.

But whatever he's done, I stand by him.

I like him. The kids like him. The monkey likes him.

And if you guys down on the board don't like it

well, you can answer to me.

[all cheering]

Harold..

...I like him too.

Well, good.

You owe me one.

[instrumental music]

Uh.. Oh, Billy, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

- Uh, Mr. Birch. - That's not Mr. Birch.

That's Mr. Finneman.

But I've just mistaken Mr. Finneman for Mr. Birch.

- Who was he? - He was Mr. Finneman of course.

- This is Mr. Finneman. - No. This is Mr. Birch.

That Mr. Finneman is Mr. Finneman.

This Mr. Finneman is Mr. Birch.

Mr. Finneman is not Mr. Birch.

- Hi, I'm Mr. Birch. - How do you do?

You're Mr. Birch?

- Where's Mr. Finneman? - I don't know.

Look, you got a kid here named Arvid Engen?

He got a monkey that belongs to me.

You must be Mr. Birch. I'll go get him.

Hey, listen. Take it easy on Arvid, will you?

I mean, he really cares about the animal.

What, you think I don't care?

You know, I feed that thing premium monkey chow.

Cost me a bundle.

Well, it's about time.

Sorry, Mr. Birch.

Well, Maisy, I guess this is it.

I'm sorry, I tried.

I, I..

[whimpering]

Hey, like that I guess..

...sometimes humans can't communicate either.

Arvid. Arvid.

Everybody in the IHP got together.

And we decided that if Maisy is for sale, we wanna buy her.

So I took up a collection. And I got...47 bucks.

- Great. - Hey-hey-hey.

- Make that 57. - Great.

Great. You just bought yourself a lizard.

- 'Huh?' - What?

Do you know how much those people are gonna

pay me for this chimp?

- No. - Twenty-five grand.

We're gonna miss you, kid.

Hey! Eh-eh-eh. That-that-that..

- Hey, uh.. Th-- - Oh..

Thank you very much.

So, so they were gonna give you a pittance?

A $25,000 for her?

- That's nothin'. - It is?

Yes, this is a highly intelligent, beautifully trained

creature you got here.

I know many universities who'd pay much, much more for her.

- More, huh? - Yeah.

We've even had interest from Harvard.

- You know. - Harvard?

That's what we've been trying to tell you, Mr. Birch.

Maisy is an exceptional animal.

She'd be very valuable to science.

Yeah, she sure would.

She could help prove the connection

between the ape world and you.

Harvard, huh?

Yep, actually about the first one of your chimps ever

to go to an Ivy League school, huh?

Yeah. My own kid flunked out of junior college.

- Oh. - Okay, Arvid.

Just for you, I'm gonna hold off for a while on my customers.

I'll tell 'em, uh.. Ha-ha.

I'll tell 'em the boa constrictor ate the monkey.

Oh, Mr. Birch.

You're a fine man.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, well, it's a business. But, uh..

- It's a business with a heart. - Oh, Mr. Birch.

Deep down, I knew you love those hairy little buggers.

And they love you, eh?

- Uh.. Mwah. - There you go, Maisy.

Oh, God. I'm gonna miss her, you know.

Where am I gonna find a creature who'll love me as much?

Where, oh, where?

Oh, Billy..

I know just how you feel.. Oh!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]