Original subtitles

[theme music]

Free dance lessons tonight. Be there.

Eric, T.J., am I glad to see you guys.

I've got great news.

That suit only comes in your size?

No, look, the dance studio where I teach

is givin' away free lessons.

You know, a good dancer is welcome wherever the fun is.

It's aerobic, it's romantic, it's terrific.

- He's pathetic. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, come on, guys. Look.

You know, my boss makes me work on commission

and I really need the money for college.

Come on, check it out.

Ooh, "One complimentary pass

to Warren Waxman's International House of Dance."

Someone named Warren Waxman's gonna teach me to dance?

I think not.

- Hey, Arvid, how 'bout you-- - Oh, no, no.

I don't need 'em, Alex, my first baby steps were

right, left and left, right and slide.

- Simone. - Hi, Alex.

You like to dance, don't you?

Oh, me? I-I love dancing.

Uh, but I'm not very good.

Well, I mean, I'm not as good as you are.

Come on, Simone, I bet you'd look great on the dance floor.

Especially next to me.

- You really think so? - Oh, yeah.

But you know, there's always room to improve.

A good dancer is welcome wherever the fun is.

It's aerobic, it's romantic, it's terrific.

- Check it out. - It's free.

Oh, yeah. And, um, class starts at 7:00.

Okay.

Darlene!

You know, a good dancer's welcome wherever the fun is.

[laughs]

Oh, not in that suit.

[laughs]

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - I hate this job.

Oh, this is brilliant, Bernadette.

I cannot wait till the weekend.

Well, I just figured since we enjoy

each other's company, we might as well go out.

You know, get over that nervous tension

of that first date pressure.

Oh, exactly.

Just think of it, our very first official legitimate

sanctioned by the US Olympic Committee date.

It's just one of the big three, you know.

Birth, first date, death.

The best thing we can do is relax, enjoy ourselves.

I'm trying, Billy.

Uh, so what do you wanna do?

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

Well, you asked me out. So I figured, you know..

Didn't you have something in mind?

Oh, I've got something in mind.

Yeah. No, forget I said that. Forget..

I don't, I don't wanna put you under any pressure, right?

Okay. Dinner and a movie. How's that?

- That's great. - Brilliant.

No, no, no! A movie's far too benign.

It should be something really special for the first date.

- Dinner and a theater. - That's great.

No! I can't believe I said that.

Too much of a rush, we'd have to rush dinner

to be at the theater on time for the 8 o'clock curtain, okay?

Too much pressure, we don't want pressure on something

that's incredibly important as a first date, okay?

- E-excuse me. - What, what?

- Miss Meara. - Yeah?

You know, a good dancer is welcome

wherever the fun is. It's--

Alex, thank you so much, but I already know how to dance.

Dinner and dancing!

Perfect for the first date. What do you say?

- It's great! - Great, yes! Yes!

- You like to dance? - Oh. What?

As long as you can leap around throwing your arms in the air

crash into people like a lunatic, you know?

It's like playing rugby with women, isn't it?

Oh, I love it, I love it.

Well, that may be how it used to be, but..

...that's not gonna work with a woman like Miss Meara.

[instrumental music]

Forward, side together, back

side together, forward, side..

That's good. That's good.

You know, Mildred, for a woman with an artificial hip

you can really sway.

Don't let that locks out of here

without a signed lifetime contract.

Okay, everybody, that's it for tonight.

(all) Oh.

We were just thinking of forming a little conga line here, Alex.

I'm sorry. I'll see everybody next week, alright?

Thank you very much indeed.

Billy, can I see you for a minute?

Yeah. Oh, thank you, Alex.

Thank you so much for inviting me.

I've had a brilliant evening.

I really have, I've learned the foxtrot, the merengue.

I've even learned how to cover up embarrassing liver spots.

Yeah. Well, look, no problem.

Now you don't have to buy anything, but I gotta give you

the sales pitch just to keep my boss happy.

Save your breath. I want more lessons.

- I'll buy them immediately. - No, no, no, no.

- They're too expensive. - No.

Anything to impress Bernadette will do me

and I hear there's a way of gettin' Medicare

to pay for them too?

Look.

Why don't, why don't, why don't you shop around, you know

and get some other quotes and you'll see, we're the worst.

Alex, what can I tell you? I want the bloody lessons--

No, no, no. Look, Billy, they're too expensive--

- Sell me the lessons! - I'm trying to save you--

Is there a, uh, problem here?

Oh, I'm just being browbeaten by this super-duper salesman here.

- Uh, Billy, you know-- - Enough! Enough!

I'll buy the lessons!

My mother can wait for her new teeth.

I tell you what, Warren.

You must hang on to this guy, Warren.

The ability to wrestle money from a Scotsman's no mean feat.

And talking about mean feat

look at what he taught me this evening.

Hey, great.

Beautiful.

That guy doesn't need dance lessons.

He needs a trip to Lourdes.

Hey, I got another live one for you.

A, uh, private lesson.

Ah, Maureen.

Hello, Maureen. I'm Alex. Glad to meet you.

Well, I see you have your IHOD dance coupon.

Uh, is there any particular dance you'd like to learn?

Well--

Uh, the waltz? The foxtrot maybe?

How about the tango?

Okay.

Well, uh, the most important thing to remember

about the tango is that it's all in the attitude.

Have you tangoed before?

I used to quite a bit before I was married.

My husband isn't much interested in..

...you know?

Oh.

- Morning, Bernadette. - Morning, Billy.

[whistles]

Did you ever wake up in the morning

with an inexplicable urge to samba?

- Not really, no. - Ah, just as well.

Save your energy for the weekend.

I've got the whole thing planned.

We're going ballroom dancing

at the fabulous new Club Deko.

Which is so exclusive

you can't get in the door unless you're Madonna.

So if you'll just wear your knickers

on the outside of your clothes

or I could bribe the doorman.

But if you wish to wear your knickers on the outside

don't let me stop you.

But, Billy, did you say ballroom dancing?

- Yeah, that's okay, isn't it? - Oh, yeah.

I-I-I guess you really like ballroom dancing?

Oh, it's terrific.

It's fantastic, it's aerobic.

[bell rings]

Dr. Samuels, could I talk to you for a minute?

It's about something.. Well, it's personal.

Are we out of those, you know, things in the ladies' room?

Dr. Samuels, I'm-I'm-I'm trying to confide in you.

- Oh. - You know, uh..

You know, I'm attracted to a coworker

and I find myself acting

like just the silliest little schoolgirl.

I'm wondering what I should wear or what I should say

or how I should even act when I pass him in the hallways.

And the worst thing is, I'm just not being myself.

You know, I'm actually considering spending $300

for ballroom dance classes just to impress him?

Mm-mm-mm.

So everything's okay in the ladies' room?

Never mind.

So while the rest of the world

is fighting for environmental legislation

the two biggest holdouts are the Soviet Union

and the United States Of America.

And guess who the biggest

polluters on the planet are. You got it.

The Soviet Union and the United States Of America.

And we're not talking white plastic forks

and Styrofoam cups here.

Do you know in the Soviet Union

there is a fresh water sea

and three quarters of it is missing?

Fishermen go on the boats in the morning

look through binoculars not for seagulls and fish

they're looking for water.

Now, if that happened in the Mediterranean it would have

a bigger shock effect on us. It would be on the news.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you can now walk from Italy to Morocco."

But don't be all smug about it, here

because right here in the United States

there is a lake which is an official fire hazard.

Call me a sentimental old fool.

But I am old enough to remember

when we used to put fires out with water.

And you know, on my way here today

I saw an old lady curbing her dog, right?

When he was finished she scooped it up

with one of them pooper scooper things.

Right, and she put it in a wee plastic bag

and tied it up with one of those wee tacky numbers

and threw it in the trash.

And you know, it occurred to me that she had taken

the most biodegradable substance on the planet

and rendered it completely sterile

until the next Ice Age.

Right, so in a thousand years

a thousand years' time, archeologist are going to say

"Oh, look, I found a CD!"

"Oh, look, I found a microwave dish!"

"Oh, look, I found a great reason not be an archeologist."

[bell rings]

Get out of here!

- Bye, Billy. - See ya!

See you later.

Hey, hold it, Alex, hold it. Give us the dirt.

Tell us about the chick at the dance studio.

- No. - Right now!

- Come on, tell us, come on! - Quickly.

Nothing really happened except..

...she did want me to teach her the forbidden dance.

- Lambada? - Oh-oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, be careful.

T.J. made me do the lambada once

and I'm still going to the chiropractor.

Come on, this lady's gotta be pushing 40, man.

Hey, so what? Physiologically, the sexual drive of a woman

in her 40s is equivalent to that of a teenage male.

Yeah, but that's just an old wives' tale.

[scoffs] Yeah, if you're lucky.

Hey, he's right, Alex.

Middle-aged women are lonely and desperate.

It's common knowledge.

Just when they hit overdrive

their husbands are out of gas.

You know, she did say that her husband

had lost interest in her. You think that was a sign?

A sign? What're you waiting for? A star from the east?

So what should I do?

If you want my opinion, go for it.

Yeah, dude. Take care of business.

(both) Side, rock step, side, side

rock step, side, side.

Rock step, side, side. Rock step, side, side.

Rock step. Looking good, Miss Meara.

- Alright. - But we're out of time.

Rock step, side, side.

Rock step, side, side. Rock step.

Hi, Alex.

Hello, Maureen.

So, uh, what are you in the mood for tonight?

- Let me rephrase that. - You know what I'm here for.

- Yeah, I-I think I do. - We talked about it last time.

You mean, the thing that your husband's not interested in.

- Right? - Right.

Well, I gotta be honest with you, Maureen.

I gotta, you know, tell you

that I'm really nervous about what we're about to do.

Really?

I'm the one who should be nervous.

Yeah? Well, well, then..

...you know, whatever happens, I want you to know

that I'll still respect you.

Well, thank you, Alex.

Hi, mom.

Mom?

- Mommy, are you alright? - I think so.

Alex, is that part of the dance?

I'm sorry, Maureen. I mean, I mean, Mrs. Foster.

I had no idea you were mommy. I mean, Simone's mom.

Um, Simone, what are you doin' here anyway?

Dance lessons. You give them, remember?

- Mr. Waxman just signed me up. - Oh, right.

Well, um, we're out of time for tonight.

But we just got here.

Yeah, well, um..

Ooh, I'm really beat.

And, uh, I mean, that's why I dropped her

and, uh, you know, in dancing

it's important to know when to say when.

Bye.

Alex certainly is a shy boy, isn't he?

You know, I guess he is.

I've never seen him act like that before.

It's cute.

Well, I wish your father weren't so shy.

Maybe I could get Alex to come to the apartment

and give your dad lessons.

That's a great idea.

Mommy, you and daddy should go out dancing.

That's what I'm hoping for.

You know, our marriage could use a little--

Zing.

Simone.

Let me show you the studio.

Uh, yeah, it's great, look.

Here's the coupons. Where are the babes?

Uh, unfortunately, I don't have any female partners right now

that are your age.

That's okay. Uh, age is no problem for us.

- No. - In fact.

A little age difference can be

exciting if you, uh, know what I mean.

Suit yourselves.

Uh, Sadie, Merriam, come on in here.

Billy, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, what's up, teach?

Okay. Here it is.

There's this woman who I'm giving lessons to

who's very interested in me.

Woman as in older woman?

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson, hey, hey, hey?

Hey, hey, hey.

Alex, you don't really want to Garfunkel around

with a woman of that name.

Well, I mean, she's not really a woman like that.

I mean, she's, she's very attractive

and she's very nice.

Oh, yeah?

- So who is this woman, Alex? - I can't say.

Alex, thanks for last night.

I'm exhausted. And it certainly was worth it.

Ain't no problem. If you want more, you know where to find me.

- Thanks. Hi, Billy. - Hi.

Alex.

Dance lessons. Miss Meara's taking dance lessons.

- She is? - Of course.

What do you think I'm havin' an affair with Miss Meara?

But she's already better than me.

I'm havin' an affair with Simone's mom.

Oh, good. What?

Simone's mother? You're sick.

Well, it's.. It's not really an affair.

I mean, nothing's really happened yet

except for a, a lot of dirty dancing.

And has she shown any interest in you?

[clicks tongue] Please.

I'm a professional dance instructor.

I read women like a book.

Only this one doesn't have a happy ending.

So tell her you're not interested in her.

Well, how?

Listen, this is a very common problem.

You know, women keep falling for guys who are unattainable.

You know, like psychiatrists, priests, rock stars--

Rock stars! H-how would they deal with it?

Well..

Priests, right. So women gets the hots.

Right, she gets very hot for a priest.

A priest would say, "Look, I'm sorry.

"I'm very flattered by your attentions.

"But I'm completely unattainable.

"Why don't you share those wonderful feelings

and emotions of yours with someone else?"

That's good, that's good. But there's one other thing.

Yeah?

If I break up with Simone's mom

could I still go out with her daughter?

How-how would a priest handle that?

Oh.

So a woman's in love with the priest and-and

he likes her younger daughter.

Right.

L-let's forget priests and get back to the

get back to the psychiatrist, eh?

Well, what about psychiatrist?

Go see one, Alex.

Wait, Alex, shy?

This is the same guy who tried to pass himself off

as towel attendant in the girls' locker room, please.

Really, I mean, the girls in those 976 numbers

probably call him when they get bored.

But the Alex Torres I saw last night was different.

He was modest, nervous, awkward.

- He was adorable. - Modest?

Simone, remember his Christmas card last year?

All he was wearing was mistletoe Jockey shorts.

Remember it? I still have that pinned up on my bulletin board.

I mean, yuck!

Well, people change.

Or maybe this shy act is just another one of his stunts.

Trust me, Simone, he's gonna con you

with that lost puppy dog routine

and the next thing you know

he's gonna be shedding in your bedding.

[laughs]

- Oh, Alex. - Oh!

- Hi, Alex. - Hello, Simone.

Hi, girls.

Hey. Hey, you guys, maybe Simone was right.

Maybe Alex really is shy.

(all) Nah!

Um, hi, Alex.

Uh, well, maybe we could schedule

my first dance lesson for tonight.

Look, um, about the lessons

the-the special is over

and I can't give away any more freebies. I'm sorry.

Oh, um, I'm willing to pay for them.

Well, you know, my last class is at 8 o'clock, anyway.

- You know-- - Oh, great. Then 8 o'clock.

[bell rings]

Step, cha-cha-cha.

Well, our-our lesson's about over.

Okay.

Alex, I was wondering

could you come to my apartment sometime and give lessons?

Uh, I really don't think I should.

Please, you see, my husband has a problem--

Yeah, well, I-I-I think this has gone far enough.

Look, I-I can't be your teacher anymore

and I definitely can't do what you want me to do.

Why not?

Well, because..

The truth is, I'm studying to become a priest.

Well, that's nice, but I don't understand

why that means we can't keep doing what we're doing.

Well, because, uh..

...I'm gay.

You know, I had a feeling that you were.

You did?

But I still don't understand why you can't teach me dancing.

I would think that would be an advantage.

Well, look, don't-don't you get it?

Okay, look, I'll just spell it out, alright--

Um, hi, Alex. I'm ready for my lesson.

Oh, God!

Simone, Alex was about to say something.

Uh, oh, what is it, Alex?

I, uh..

Okay, um..

I'm sorry, Simone.

I-I-I know this is gonna hurt you

but if we're gonna go out together

you're gonna find out anyway and--

- You wanna go out with me? - But I thought you were--

I-I am, b-but in a cheerful sense.

But I thought you wanted to be a--

Oh, oh, not-not anymore.

Uh, uh, what are you two talking about?

I don't know.

Alex, what are you talking about, dear?

Look, it's over, alright?

I know what you came here for

and I, I can't give you what you want.

What?

[gasps]

Oh.

Oh, you mean, you thought that I and you--

- No? - No.

Oh.

- Uh-- - Oh!

What is going on here? What are you two talking about?

Uh, uh, uh, the family package discount plan.

A-Alex says it's no longer available.

- Isn't that right, Alex? - Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

A, a complete misunderstanding.

It was just a case of mixed signals.

We understand each other, don't we, Alex?

Oh, yes, and-and I'm really sorry

about the family plan, Mrs. Foster.

Because you have a great family.

- Alex. - Excuse me.

The, uh, Foster woman's lessons are up

so flirt with her and get her to sign up for more.

That's it, I quit.

You quit? Why?

Well, for one thing, I hate this job.

Another, I hate this suit.

You know what, I'm not even too crazy about you either.

Come on, let's beat this taco stand.

- Oh, where are we going? - Out dancing.

- It's aerobic, it's romantic-- - And it's free.

- You got that right. - You can't do this!

You'll never dance in this town again!

Ah, Warren, the very man I wanted to see.

Unh-unh, no refunds.

It's written on the back of your contract

upheld in court.

State of New York versus Waxman.

I don't want a refund.

No, I wanna enroll in the advanced hoofer's class.

See, it's this woman I'm dating.

She's already better than me

and she's enrolled in more lessons.

That's a battle of the arms race, only with feet really.

Hold that thought. I'll get a pen.

Sure.

[instrumental music]

Billy, what are you doing here?

I'm doing some dance lessons.

Trying to keep up with you actually.

Well, I'm, I'm taking dance classes

to try to keep up with you.

- But I stink. - So do I.

Oh, so you're saying this is all nonsense?

We're doing all this because I suggested

we go ballroom dancing?

I mean, if I had suggested skydivin'

I'd be sailing myself in a paper cup somewhere.

I, I can't believe how ridiculous we are, Billy.

Yeah, maybe we should relax

and stop tryin' to impress one another.

That's a good idea.

So how bad are you?

I'm not bad. How bad are you?

Well, let's find out then.

Hey, pretty bad, aren't you?

Um, so are you.

Here we go, put your John Hancock right here.

No, I've changed my mind about that, Warren.

I don't think we'll need the advance lessons anymore.

Are you crazy?

You're on the verge of greatness.

You guys keep this up

and you're gonna be dancing at auto shows.

In fact, with your talent and $50,000

you could open up your own

Warren Waxman International House of Dance franchise!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]