Original subtitles

[theme music]

[glockenspiel music]

[humming]

Hey, guys, you're gonna come see me

in the Thanksgiving parade tomorrow?

Get therapy, Arvid.

You know, I can't wait.

Fifty nerds in purple suits

marching in front of the Regis Philbin float.

Well, the music is going to be great.

Hey, you guys gonna come see me in the parade?

Absolutely.

- We can't wait. - Yeah.

Great. Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

- Me too. - Me too.

You know, I think we should get there early

camp out and make sure we get a good spot for tomorrow.

Right, okay.

Now I don't want any argument about this.

But Jasper Kwong's parents are on the warpath.

They wanna meet with you and unfortunately

I can't be there tonight.

- He's afraid. - No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are. - Not!

Anyway, I want you and Miss Meara

to meet the Kwongs. Okay?

Brilliant. I'd love to.

I love that guy.

You don't have any Thanksgiving plans, Billy?

I don't even know what Thanksgiving is.

I mean, I believe it's about mashed potatoes and Indians

and turkeys and some kind of football match.

You call that a holiday?

In Scotland now, we have a thing called Hogmanay.

You wait until the clock strikes midnight.

Then you get this big, dark fruitcake called black bun

and you eat it. It's a kind of amateur dentistry.

You eat this until all your loose teeth

and fillings have been swallowed.

Then you get a bottle of whisky and a piece of coal

and you go out and you greet people you don't know

and you go into their houses and you sing songs

about how you miss Scotland when you're still there.

It's brilliant.

Then you tell each other how much you love each other.

Then you all fall out and you batter each other blue.

Oh! Now that's what I call a holiday.

♪ Oh you take the high road and I'll take the low ♪♪

I love it!

- Hey. - Goin' to the parade tonight?

- Yeah. - I'd love to go, but I can't.

I've got a babysitting job tonight.

The agency called me at the last minute.

Oh, but I can meet you guys, say, around midnight.

- Alright. - Okay, alright.

- Is Jasper coming? - Oh, we forgot to ask him.

What's the point? He never wants to do anything with us, anyway.

- For real. - I'll ask him.

- Alright, see you later, Sarah. - See you later, Sarah.

Um, Jasper?

- Oh, hi, Sarah. - Hi.

Um, a bunch of us are camping out to see the parade tomorrow.

If you wanna come, I'll meet you there later?

Oh, I'd really like to, Sarah, but I can't.

Oh, well, okay. I'll see you Monday then.

- Right. Happy Thanksgiving. - Thanks.

Hey, Jasper.

Hey, I'm lookin' forward to meetin' your folks tonight.

Uh-oh, she's at it again.

- I'm sorry about that, Billy. - About what?

Well, it's just that my folks are

you know, real conservative.

Maybe they're just concerned about you, Jasper, huh?

Concerned? They won't let me go out on weeknights.

I can't date. They won't even let me stay home alone.

Well, have you tried talking to them about it?

To my mother? The only one who can say

anything to my mother is my father.

- Oh, what does he say? - Mostly "Yes, dear."

Oh, Lord. Sounds like a really strong woman, huh?

I'll say, she's the Chinese Margaret Thatcher.

Oh, dear. Don't worry about it.

I've got ways of talkin' to strong women.

Uh, Billy, could I see you for a minute?

Uh, yes, dear.

Mom, I'm 17 years old.

I'm the only kid in high school who has a babysitter.

Why can't I just stay home alone?

What if you slip in the bathroom and hit your head?

- Who will call the paramedics? - I won't go to the bathroom.

What if you get food poisoning?

- I won't eat. - What if you trip and fall?

I won't walk. I'll just go to bed, okay?

People suffocate in bed.

I'm suffocating now.

- What is wrong with him? - What?

- He doesn't want a sitter. - He doesn't?

What if he tripped and fell?

[doorbell rings]

- Mrs. Kwong? - Yes?

I'm Sarah Nevins, your babysitter.

- Please come in. - Thank you.

Here's the number where we'll be.

Here's emergency numbers.

His asthma medication is on the counter.

There's a pizza in the refrigerator.

- Let's go, Henry. - Yes, dear.

- Oh, hi, Sarah. - Oh, hi, Jasper.

Jasper? I'm babysitting you?

[scoffs] What? Me?

No, no, no, of course not.

Me?

No, no, uh, you're here to, uh..

...sit for my baby brother.

Oh. I'm sorry, Jasper.

For a minute there, I thought I was here--

Hey, that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it?

Imagine me needing a babysitter!

- So where is he? - Who?

- Your little brother. - Oh, he's asleep in his room.

Oh, what's his name?

Arsineo.

- Arsineo Kwong? - It's his nickname.

We call him that, because when he gets gas, he goes

"Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!"

Oh, that's cute. I'll go look in on him.

No, wait!

- He's allergic! - To what?

- Blue jeans. - Blue jeans?

Jasper, I've never heard of anyone

being allergic to blue jeans.

Oh, it's very common in China.

Particularly in the northern provinces.

It's called payfumangam.

- What? - Denimites.

Well, Jasper, if you say so.

Well, don't let me keep you.

- From what? - From going out.

Or else you'd be taking care of your little brother.

[chuckles] Right, right.

Uh, I've got to go to, uh, the Thanksgiving parade.

Well, Jasper, when I asked you to the Thanksgiving parade

this afternoon, you said you couldn't go.

That's true. I did.

But that was a different Thanksgiving parade.

This is the Chinese Thanksgiving parade.

I didn't know there was a Chinese Thanksgiving.

Oh, sure. It's like your Thanksgiving.

Only instead of turkeys, we have dragons.

Really?

Well, if you say so.

Um, little Arsineo and I will get along just fine.

- Are you sure? - Mm-hm.

You run along, Jasper. I insist.

- Bye. - Bye.

[knock on door]

[chuckles]

You wanna hear the funniest thing?

Tonight isn't Chinese Thanksgiving.

Chinese Thanksgiving is in May.

Oh.

Well, I guess your parents won't be needing me.

Uh, no, wait.

Oh, well, Jasper, I don't wanna waste your parents' money.

Oh, no, no, it's not that.

- I want you to stay. - Oh?

Okay.

Mr. MacGregor, I'd like you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Kwong.

[softly] Best behavior.

Oh, of course. How'd you do?

Thank you for seeing us, Mr. MacGregor.

- Oh, Billy. Call me Billy. - May I use your chalkboard?

- Oh, by all means. - Ah, thank you.

Uh, Mrs. Kwong, how can we help you? Please.

We're concerned about Jasper.

Oh, Jasper is a remarkable boy, Mrs. Kwong.

He speaks of you often.

That's why we wanted to talk to you quite openly

if that is agreeable with you?

- Of course. - Good.

Then let me ask you, what the hell are you doing?

Pardon?

Since you've been teaching our Jasper

he has become a very unhappy boy.

He mopes around the apartment, not smiling.

Not at all the same boy as before.

Mrs. Kwong, let me assure you, Billy is an excellent teacher

as well as a warm and caring person--

Bernadette, please.

You sound like one of those people who's just discovered

that their neighbor has a whole boy scout troop

buried under the basement floor.

"Oh, he was an awful nice man. Kept himself to himself.

"Always said hi when you saw him on the street.

And never once did I see him kick his mother."

Mrs. Kwong, I don't know about Jasper's personality change.

But I can assure you, it wasn't because of anything

that happened here in the school.

Then how do you explain it?

Well, maybe it's just a little

teenage phase he's going through.

Kids his age often need a bit more freedom.

And maybe you keep him

in a bit of a tight leash at home, huh?

No, he-he doesn't mean it necessarily has anything

to do with you, Mrs. Kwong--

Oh, yes, I do.

Tonight, for instance, Mrs. Kwong

while you're here, where's Jasper?

He is at home with a babysitter.

I never realized squids made love that way.

Wow.

Wow.

- Wow. - Wow.

- Ooh. Yuck. - Oh, yuck!

Are you sure you wanna watch this?

No, no, no, turn it off.

Oh, that was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah.

- Wow. - Wow.

[laughing]

Oh, I love Hong Kong.

And the food is unbelievable, isn't it?

I saw a fishmonger one day.

He was filleting a fish.

There was a woman customer standing there.

He cut one side. The fish was alive.

He cut the side off and he put up, cut the other side

cut the spine off, threw it in the bucket

put the head between the two sides

and the heart was still beating.

The fish was looking like that.

It had just experienced the ultimate weight loss.

And the woman customer was speaking in Chinese

I don't know what she was saying, I think she said

to the guy, "Is that fresh?"

[chuckles]

He said, "Madam, any fresher, you can use my snorkel

and get in the bucket beside the other two."

[chuckles] But my..

My absolute favorite kung pao joint

is just off Temple Street.

I can never remember the name of it though.

- Yung Sum Cafe? - That's the one.

Our favorite.

I like him. Let's go home now.

Maybe we are being overprotective.

But the customs here are so different.

Of course.

Billy is a very wise man, don't you think?

- Well, yes, I suppose he is. - You like him, yes?

- Well. - Don't fool with me.

I've seen those looks between you two.

The eyes do not lie.

Excuse me, Mrs. Kwong, but I think we were dis--

You should marry this man before some other woman

sees his wonderfulness.

Marry him?

You would have impressive children.

- Wise and beautiful. - You know, I don't think that--

Oh, Mrs. Kwong, that's a smashin' idea.

You know, I'm, I'm so pleased that we've all agreed

on Jasper's academic progress and, um..

I've got a flight to catch. Thank God.

Uh, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

- She likes you. - Oh, she's crazy about me.

- She just doesn't know it yet. - Don't worry.

I'll fix everything between you and your beautiful lady.

- Do I have a choice? - No.

- Henry. - Yes, dear.

Wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

I mean, just a few weeks ago

I was practicing on a teddy bear.

It shows.

So what do you wanna do now?

What's wrong with what we're doing?

Well, Jasper, are we like going together?

Yeah, I guess we are.

Well, Jasper, we have a four-day weekend coming up.

Don't you think we should do something together?

Hey, that'll be great.

Well, why don't we go to the movies together?

Friday night.

I can't.

Well, Jasper, what's wrong with you?

- Why won't you go out? - I just can't, Sarah.

Well, I used to think it was because you were shy.

But not after tonight.

Jasper, what's your problem?

I just don't wanna talk about it, Sarah.

Oh. Uh, hi, mom. Hi, dad.

And how was our little boy?

Oh, he was an angel. He didn't cry at all.

I didn't get a chance to change him though.

He may be wet.

You did a terrific job. Thanks a lot.

- Bye, Jasper. - Bye.

Jasper, we had a nice talk with your Mr. MacGregor.

And he says you're right.

You don't need a babysitter anymore.

Perhaps it is time now to give you

more responsibility and freedom.

Hey, that's great. Thanks a lot.

So on Friday night, can I go out on a date?

Forget it.

- Uh, Sarah, can we talk? - About what?

Well, I was just thinkin' that

you know, maybe you can come over to my place again sometime.

Well, Jasper, the other night was really nice.

But I want more out of a relationship than just that.

And if you don't wanna take me anywhere

then we don't have much of a future together.

Oh, no, Sarah. It's not that..

[indistinct chatter]

I mean, poor Viki.

Can you imagine how she must have felt?

Uh, dropping her baton like that

in front of the reviewing stand.

She didn't drop her baton.

She beaned Santa Claus with it.

Knocked his beard off and everything.

Well, I, for one, will never forgive her.

She-she completely ruined my glockenspiel solo

on "Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da."

Great job at the parade, Viki.

[cheering]

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

Oh, come on, Viki. It wasn't that bad, really.

[scoffs] Yeah, right. I almost killed Santa Claus.

Ah, who cares? Serves him right.

- What? - What?

Last year, I asked him for a pocket Nintendo.

He brought me a year's supply of SLIMQUICK.

Dennis. Uh, Viki, don't worry.

We only noticed it because we were right there.

- I-I'm sure no one else did. - 'Exactly.'

[bell rings]

Good morning, geniuses.

[indistinct chatter]

So how was Thanksgiving? Brilliant or what?

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Billy, how was your Thanksgiving?

Well, it wasn't Hogmanay, but it did have its highlights.

Hey, I'll tell you. I was watching the telly

watching that big parade, the big Thanksgiving Day Parade

and two guys in turkey suits bundled Santa Claus

into an ambulance.

Is that a custom here?

Oh, oh, yeah.

In the Easter Parade, Viki's gonna maim the bunny.

[bell rings] Okay, that's it.

Tomorrow the first Continental Congress.

Swamp Thing and the Demise Of Fondue.

- Get out of here. - See you, Billy.

- Bye, Billy. - See ya.

Bye.

- Uh, got a minute, Billy? - Sure. What's up?

Thanks for talking to my parents.

Ah, no problem. They're very nice people.

I can only hope it helped in some way.

Well, sort of.

I mean, I don't have to have a babysitter anymore.

And I wanna see Sarah, but I can't go out

with Sarah because I can't date.

So the only way I can see Sarah is if she's my babysitter.

[sighs] You've got yourself a conundrum there, boy.

At this rate, I'm never gonna need a conundrum.

Jasper, your parents are just the nicest people.

You know what they have done?

Mrs. Kwong has invited us out for dinner Friday night.

- Hey. - Really?

- Yeah. - Excuse me.

Well, isn't that lovely? Talk about old world charm.

Oh, come on, Billy.

They're obviously trying to fix us up.

Oh, come on.

What on earth are you talkin' about?

They're merely thankin' us for paying attention

to their son's education.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

- But hey, hey, hey. - Hm.

If you like, after dinner, we can ditch the Kwongs

and do something that violates community standards.

What do you say?

Ah, yes. This is Mr. Kwong.

I want to order a babysitter for Friday night.

I would like that Sarah Nevins girl again.

My little boy just loved her.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

[laughter]

We would be honored if you would allow us to order for you.

Oh, that would be scrumptious.

[softly] I hate sushi. Raw fish is disgusting.

- Shh. - We'll start with uni.

Oh, now that sounds delicious.

You know I've, I've never had uni before.

I'm looking forward to tasting it--

It's absolutely wonderful.

Raw sea urchin. You'll love it.

[laughs]

You're joking, aren't you?

- It's a delicacy. - Oh.

Considered by some to be an aphrodisiac.

Yeah? Order another dozen now .

- I'd like to make a toast. - Okay.

To the lovely couple.

May they be happy and fruitful.

And may all their children be born in the year of the rat.

- Yes. - Cheers.

- We go now. - Wait, wait a second.

Y-you're kidding, aren't you?

- Well, what about dinner? - You have dinner with Billy.

Oh, please enjoy. We have taken care of everything.

And your check does not exist.

[laughing]

But I-I-I..

We wish this night to be yours.

Let fate take its course.

- Come on, Henry. - Yes, dear.

I swear I had nothing to do with this.

- Oh, right. - Oh, come on. Don't sulk.

Sushi, sake and sulky don't go very well together.

You know that thing.

I mean, do you really think I'd go to all this bother

just for the chance to have dinner with you?

I would not stoop that low.

Mind you, I can hardly stoop any lower than we are..

[laughs]

- There you go. - I know what you mean.

You know, I-I know that the Kwongs really do mean well.

But it's just..

[sighs]

So how was your Thanksgiving, anyway?

- Did you see your family? - Yes, I did.

Hm. I hate family gatherings.

I do. I really hate family gatherings.

We have a saying in Scotland.

You can choose your friends, but you're stuck

with your relations.

Jasper, maybe we should take a little break.

Good idea. I think I've worn the outer layer off my lips.

I'll go freshen up.

Oh, Jasper, I'll just take a quick look at the baby.

No, wait.

[Sarah screams]

Jasper, Jasper, the baby's gone.

No, he's hiding. He likes to hide.

- Even the crib is gone. - He hides the crib too.

Jasper, you don't have a little brother, do you?

I'm sorry, Sarah.

I made it all up.

When my parents called you to babysit, it was for me.

They don't think I'm old enough to stay home alone.

It's so humiliating and stupid.

Well, Jasper, it's no more humiliating

than my father cutting my meat till I was 14.

- Yes, it is. - Well, that's true.

Jasper, parents will be parents.

That's true.

Jasper, you know

if you're gonna be my boyfriend

from now on, we're gonna have to start

telling each other stuff, okay?

Even embarrassing stuff.

Boyfriend?

- That's right. - Wow.

Mr. MacGregor was right.

He's too old for a babysitter.

Does your mother have a sister

who wears dresses like an explosion

in a florist's shop and smells really weird?

I have an aunt, who when you're not lookin'

she makes her false teeth do a somersault inside her mouth.

[laughs]

Trashes all the relatives and then when they arrive

she slobbers all over them.

Oh, that sounds just like my Aunt Helen.

But she marinates her flower dresses in a perfume

that makes your eyes water clear across the room.

And then she goes around doing this, tsk, tsk, tsk--

- Exactly. - No, but then she says..

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, poor little Bernadette

still hasn't caught herself a husband."

Oh, the woman's a beast.

I hate that.

So this Thanksgiving, you know, I just..

I finally had enough of Aunt Helen.

So I told her I met a wonderful man.

Who was intelligent, exciting and witty and charming.

- Mm, you lied, huh? - Yeah.

I'm the same, I was so lonely

and frustrated over Thanksgiving

I phoned my family in Scotland

and I told my Aunty Jessie

exactly what you told your Aunt Helen.

That you'd met a charming and exciting man?

Mm. Didn't have to kick start her pacemaker, I'll tell you.

No, but really, I told her I'd met a rather beautiful woman

who is kind of bright and was very keen on me

and vice-versa, you know.

- Oh, you lied too then? - Mm.

Yeah, we're pretty dreadful people, aren't we?

Yeah, I'd say we're terrible. Mm-hm.

Oh.

Ooh, look.

Oh, my. Thank you.

- That's the uni. - Oh.

Are you sure that this is an aphrodisiac?

No, no, superstitious ballyhoo.

What do you say we scoff these right away

order another dozen and put this aphrodisiac nonsense to bed?

Uh, t-to rest, okay?

- Go ahead. - Cheers.

- Is it okay? - Oh, brilliant.

[chuckles]

- Try it then. - Okay.

Not bad.

[theme music]