Original subtitles

[theme music]

(Billy) 'Oh, you kids were brilliant in Buffalo.'

'I don't think you missed a single question.'

- 'Yes.' - 'Yeah, we were really good.'

(Sarah) 'Billy, how long before we're back to the city?'

(Billy) 'Oh, a couple of hours, once we get back on the throughway.'

(Dennis) 'Ahem. Hey, didn't we already pass that barn?'

(Billy) 'Yeah. A-Arvid, I love that song!'

- 'Oh, I love it.' - 'Oh, no.'

♪ A thousand bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ A thousand bottles of beer.. ♪♪

[instrumental music]

♪ One bottle of beer on the wall ♪

♪ One bottle of beer ♪

♪ And if that bottle should happen to fall there'll be no ♪

♪ Bottles of beer on the wall ♪♪

How could you get us lost, Billy?

All we have to do is drive back to New York

the same way we came.

I don't know, oh, I guess, I must've been

daydreaming about the things we didn't do in Buffalo.

Well, the way you drive, we're not gonna be

doing 'em in New York, either.

And besides, when you travel

you're supposed to see the country side

experience life, have an adventure

meet new, interesting, fascinating people.

You, uh, folks up here for the Lima Bean Festival?

Man, I got a feeling these people know

who killed Laura Palmer.

- 'Yeah.' - Yeah, that's right.

I have a feeling it was that guy at the counter over there.

(Aristotle) 'Yeah, yeah, that's the one.'

Uh, you kids sit anywhere, make yourselves at home.

In a place where the sign says, "Eat here and get gas?"

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, come on, now, we'll be home before you know it.

Just think about how well we did at the academic meet.

- Right? - Yeah! Hey!

Hey, did we kick some Buffalo butt or what?

[all cheering]

Boy, that is a really nice trophy you got there.

You on some kind of 4-H team?

Actually, uh, we're on an academic team.

- Right. - Huh.

And they give trophies for that now.

Yeah.

Ooh. Hey, there, good lookin'. What's your pleasure?

- Who, me? - Yeah.

Yeah, I'll have a cup of tea, a wee bowl of porridge

and some capers. Thank you.

Oh, you're not from around here, are you?

No, I'm not.

[chuckles] California?

Scotland. Billy MacGregor. Call me Billy.

Oh, Betty Jean MacDonald.

I'm a quarter Scottish.

Excuse me.

You know, I would've known that

from the twinkle in your eye that you were part Scottish.

I've got other parts that twinkle, too.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Hey, I knew some MacDonalds in Glasgow.

When did your family come over here?

Around the turn of the century.

Grandpa MacDonald had a farm.

[no audio]

E-I-E-I-O.

[laughing]

So could I-I have some wheat toast

and some orange juice, please?

- Sure, sweetheart. - Much obliged, darling.

She's very nice, isn't she?

Oh, yeah, yeah, if you like that type.

- What type? - Oh, you know.

Obvious, cheap, flirtatious

do-anything- to-make-your-man-happy type.

Good type of type there.

[instrumental music]

So, uh, you wanna find out where we are

Mr. Leave-the-driving-to-us?

[chuckles] Okay.

- Thank you. - Okay.

- Excuse me, please. - Huh?

I wonder if you could tell me

how to get to New York City, please?

Uh, yeah, I'd be glad to.

[chuckles] New York City. Yeah.

Well, you go out that door

you get in your vehicle

and you drive off the lot

and you hang a right.

Wait a minute, uh..

- You said New York City? - New York City. That's right.

Yeah.

- Hi. - Hi.

Wow!

I used to think there was nothing prettier

than the color of maple leaves in October

till I saw your hair.

[chuckles] Oh, thanks.

'That's really sweet.'

- My name's Lee. - Simone.

That's great, Lee.

Listen, I'd like a cheeseburger fries and a chocolate shake.

Really? Well..

I think I'd like a porterhouse steak

and a baked potato, but I ain't no waiter.

My sister owns this place.

Lee, honey, I could use a hand here.

Take their orders, will ya?

That was a cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate shake.

Wait a minute, there's no rap

there's no hip-hop, there's no house music?

Sweetheart, we're gonna have to shut you down.

- Mm-hmm. - Hickory dickory dock.

Now, that's another game for me.

- Ah.. - I-I never even saw it coming.

For goodness' sakes, Arvid, this is checkers!

- Yeah. - Come on, Arv.

We're gettin' beat by Goober over here.

Wait a minute. I hope you're not referring to me.

Oh, hey, I love Goober.

Gomer. I have a special love for Aunt Bee.

They-they-they-they have, they have kind of a-a

cracker-barrel wisdom that-that we city slickers

uh, often fail to appreciate.

- Yeah. - Cracker-barrel wisdom?

Well, I-I-I mean, cracker-barrel in the, um..

- Salt of the earth. - Salt-of-the-earth sense.

I mean, not-not just some, you know, um, yokel

hanging out at a truck stop.

Arvid, Arvid, remember what I was saying before?

- 'What?' - Shut up!

[exhales sharply]

- Well.. - Oh. So did you get directions?

- Yeah. - Good.

You go out of this door

you hang a right, you honk at the dog

and you carry on until you come to the Widow Jenkins' barn

remembering to stop at Farley Johnson's produce stand

where their apples are supposed to be remarkable.

We hang a left on the old Pike Road.

- And we're on the way! - Oh.

Oh, but you're not really

in that big a hurry, are you, sweetie?

Well, I reckon we could sit a spell.

- Yeah. - 'A spell, Billy?'

A spell? Tell me.

How long is this spell?

Is that somewhere between

when the cows come home and a month of Sundays?

[laughing]

What's wrong with you?

Me? Nothing.

No, I'm just.. I'm fine, just fine.

I gave you extra apple butter, honey.

Homemade. Put 'em up myself.

- Well, bless your heart. - Yeah.

Sugar, excuse me, uh..

What about my wheat toast, please?

Coming up in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Doesn't anyone around here have a watch?

Uh, Billy. Can we talk to you for a moment?

- Sure. What is it? - Yeah, yeah.

- Could you come over here? - Sure.

- Excuse me. - Surely.

How fast do you think we can blow this pumpkin patch

and get back to the Big Apple?

Well, pretty soon. Why?

Well, I think I speak for all of us.

Uh, we feel a little uncomfortable

around these people.

Really? Why?

Did you ever see "Ernest Goes To Camp?"

Look, I think what Alan's trying to say is

we wanna get back home and celebrate

instead of hanging around this hick town.

- "Hick?" - You know, yokels.

What? Yokels?

Yahoos, hayseeds, crackers.

- Oh, crafters. - Crafters?

Yeah, a crafter is a sort of a rural kind of person

who hasn't had the benefit of education and so lacks

what we may call sophistication.

Right. Well, these crafters are definitely weird.

Yeah, I think they resent us

because we're gifted and they're not.

I mean, y-you-you have to feel for them.

It's kind of a bummer to feel inferior.

So what do you say, we take pity on 'em and leave soon?

Yeah.

You know, it's extraordinary.

Not only are you people incredibly gifted

but you're damn sensitive, too.

Thank you.

Quick, if you wanna carry on eating

I'll go out to the bus and fill the tank, huh?

- You gonna need some help? - No, no. Thanks, Alex.

You'll probably get your hands dirty, huh?

Okay, now you say this little horsy piece moves like an L.

- Huh? - That's right.

And what do you call this little lighthouse piece?

- Hm. - That's a rook.

Can you say rook?

[chuckles]

No, but I can say..

...checkmate.

Can you say checkmate?

Hey, Ed, you wanna take a whack at this game? It dulls me.

- There you go, Simone. - Thanks, Lee.

Boy, you oughta stick around here.

You could be the next Lima Bean Queen just like that.

- Here you go, darlin'. - Oh, thank you, dumpling.

Listen, can I ask you a question about Billy?

Oh, sure, it's a free country.

- Are you his woman? - Me? His woman? No.

- No. - So you don't want him then?

Well, uh, you know, I suppose

we do have an-an evolving relationship

of mutual respect.

I mean, it's primarily platonic, but you might say

that there is a very strong element of attraction.

So what you're saying then is it's, uh, open season?

Well, have I got good news for you!

The bus is full of petrol!

- 'Whoo!' - 'Yes!'

- 'Let's go.' - Too bad.

Looks like open season just closed.

Guess you're gonna have to find another

Lima Bean Queen, huh, pal?

Come on, Arvid, let's get out of here

before Jethro cheats you out of another game.

Hey, nobody calls me a cheat around here.

Well, lucky for you, I'm not gonna be around here.

I'm leaving. Cheater.

Hey, listen, before we leave

I've got some rather bad news for you.

- What? - What is it?

I've tried everything I know.

I cannot get the bus to start.

- Ah. - What?

- Oh! - You're kidding..

[instrumental music]

I don't know. I've tried absolutely everything.

I don't understand it. The bus just will not start.

So just try and relax a bit

because it's gonna be a while before it's fixed.

I-i-i-it might be your, your head gasket.

You know how to fix a b-bone head gasket, don't you?

- No, I don't. - You go out this door here.

Well, I think I found your problem.

- Oh. - Great! We're out of here.

- Yes! - No. Your carburetor's shot.

- Oh. - Oh.

Now, I've called my Cousin Dave in Buffalo.

He'll track down a piece and send it out.

- Well, how long will that take? - 'Yeah?'

Not long, four or five hours.

Four or five hours?

Now, what was that about me being a cheater?

I believe you were making fun of the Lima Bean Festival?

Me? Make fun of a festival for legumes?

Hey, Clam.

Who do you think is gonna win the prize

for the biggest bean this year, huh?

Well, I don't know, Abner.

I'd have won it myself last year

if it weren't for that dead-burned cheater over there.

Alright, buddy, let's take it outside..

[clamoring]

Clear the way!

Honey..

...do you think that you could speak to your students?

Honey?

You know, this used to be

a nice friendly place till you came in

and started messing with my customers.

Well, you don't seem to mind messing

with some of the customers, I've noticed.

- Well, I.. - Wait a minute.

[indistinct yelling]

Relax! Relax!

Everybody, relax!

Now, you kids get to that end of the room. Come on.

- Billy, why? - I'm sorry I stamped on..

Get to the end of the room, everybody.

Everybody. Lucas.

- Lucas, come here. - Help me.

- Help me. - Lucas, come on.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now listen, I would like to apologize

for the behavior around here, okay?

But these kids are so absolutely brilliant

they have to constantly test themselves

just to stay sharp enough for these academic meets, right?

Watch this.

- Two plus two? - 'What?'

Well, they're usually a lot brighter than that.

'Just trust me.'

Right, we're gonna have a little contest here

just to exercise your incredible intellects, right?

Excuse us.

Wait a minute.

Wouldn't it be amazing if they had somebody to play against?

No. No, that's silly.

They're, they're so profoundly brilliant

so extraordinarily gifted intellectually

it would, it wouldn't be fair on you. Excuse me.

- Oh, excuse me. - What? You'll play them?

- Well, I-- - Brilliant idea, Betty Jean.

Mwah. Oh, how I wish I had thought of that.

But w-w-wait, wait, Billy.

You're seriously suggesting we play them?

- Precisely. - 'But, oh..'

Come on, Billy, you've got to be kidding.

- Yeah. - No, I am not kidding.

Oh, this ought to be so challenging.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Well, what are you so afraid of then?

We ain't afraid. We just don't wanna humiliate you.

- Yeah. - Oh!

This is gonna be brilliant!

I'm gonna write a few questions down here.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time once again

when we play Name That we love pyramid feud.

And here's your host of whatever I said a minute ago

Bi-l-lly MacGregor!

- Yeah! - Yay!

[applauding]

Mwah! I love you!

Beauty! Beautiful!

May I introduce you to my beautiful hostess

the adorable, the talented and the lovely Bernadette!

Oh, no, guys, stop.

[all cheering]

Isn't she fabulous?

Please welcome our visiting team

all the way from New York City

Fillmore High School!

[cheering]

[booing]

And if you could find a little place in your heart

for the home team

Betty Jean's Truck Stop Filling Gas!

[cheering]

Okay, I see both teams are ready.

So let's begin.

"How can we predict the weather

by sunspot activity?"

- Ooh, ooh, ooh. - Lucas.

First, you go out that door there.

Then you look for where that dog is layin'

and that's where you find your sunny spot.

[imitates buzzer buzzing]

Sorry. Fillmore?

There is no correlation between sunspots and weather.

- Absolutely correct! - Yeah!

- Way to go. - 'Way to go, Jas.'

Next question.

"In the Bible, what is the name of Lot's wife?"

Uh, Mrs. Lot?

- Oh. - Stop, he's just kidding.

I think it's Ruth.

[imitates buzzer buzzing] Sorry.

Betty Jean's?

Uh, I-I don't think the Bible names her.

- 'Absolutely correct!' - Ah!

[cheering]

One to one.

Ready? "How do you calculate the volume of a cylinder?"

Eight times pi "R" squared.

Absolutely correct!

[cheering]

Alright, wait a minute. How did you know that?

High-school geometry.

Well, plus, you better know it if you're gonna build a silo

when you don't want it to look like the Guggenheim Museum.

These guys are a lot tougher than we thought they were.

Oh, it's just that these questions are too easy.

- Yeah! - Okay, okay.

Why don't you make up your own questions for them?

- Yeah. - Is that allowed, Bernadette?

What? Oh, I.. Sure!

Isn't she fabulous?

And don't forget, that means

you can make up your questions for them.

I know they're genius

but just try your very, very best.

I got one.

- Ready? - 'Oh, yeah.'

Fillmore, you're first to go.

State Dalton's law of partial pressures.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha. - Yeah.

I don't suppose that has anything to do

with pressure cookers, does it?

(Billy) Oh, sorry!

Betty Jean's, do you have a question?

I got one.

How come donuts have holes?

- 'Yes.' - Oh.

- Yeah. - What question was that?

And your time is up!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Billy, are you gonna allow that?

There's no answer for a question like that.

Well, yes, there is.

They were invented by a sea captain

who used to stick 'em on the spokes of the ship's wheel

while he steered.

Whoo-hoo!

What did George Sand and George Eliot have in common?

Good one, Sarah.

[instrumental music]

- Do fish sleep? - Huh?

Name the first state to abolish slavery.

- Yeah. - That's right.

Why are barns red?

What year was the New York Stock Exchange founded?

- Ah, yes! - Yeah.

How can you tell from a hen's earlobes

whether she's gonna lay white eggs or brown eggs?

What an exciting game!

Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes!

Well, Fillmore, I guess you've realized

that everyone in the room is just about equal, huh?

Maybe it's time you shook hands

and admit it that you misjudged them.

No! No way.

Nobody leaves Mayberry until we have a definite winner.

Now, I say, we go into a sudden death.

- 'First--' - Sudden death!

First team to answer

a question right wins the whole match.

- 'Yeah.' - What do you say?

And, um, I think we can let the Clampetts go first.

[indistinct chatter]

- Define endomitosis. - Oh!

- That's a great question. - Yeah.

Endomitosis

is the doubling of chromosomes without division of the nucleus.

- 'Is he right?' - 'What?'

- He's right. - Betty Jean is the winner!

[cheering]

Dalton's law of partial pressures

states that the total pressure of a mixture of gases

is equal to the sum

of the partial pressures exerted by those gases

if they were present separately in a container.

That's right.

Vermont was the first state

to abolish slavery.

The New York Stock Exchange

was founded in 1792.

George Sand and George Eliot were both women authors.

Barns are red because red paint's the cheapest

and white earlobes mean white eggs, red earlobes, brown.

Yes. Fish sleep.

Okay, wait a second. I say, this guy is a ringer.

- 'Yeah.' - Yeah.

Can you prove you actually live around here?

Of course, he lives around here.

Ed has a farm the other side of Vernon Road.

You go out that door.

[indistinct chatter]

E-excuse me, what college did you attend?

Oh, shoot, I never even finished high school.

Well, then, how do you know all that stuff?

I don't know. I-I guess I must've read it somewhere.

Reading's kind of a hobby of mine.

Read everything I get my hands on.

Well, on behalf of Fillmore Academic Team

I would like to offer our congratulations.

- Thank you. - 'Congratulations.'

(Lucas) 'Thank, thank you, thank you, thank you..'

Thank you, thank you, thank you..

- Oh, yeah. - Well, that's really nice.

But, uh, how about that handsome trophy there?

- 'Ooh.' - 'Yeah.'

- 'No way.' - No, no, no.

Well, that sounds very fair to me. Don't you agree, Alan?

- 'No.' - Well..

- 'Unh-unh!' - I guess.

- 'Oh.' - Good man, good man.

- 'Hoo-hoo!' - Thank you.

Alan, I'm sure Betty Jean will allow you

to visit it from time to time.

- Yeah. - Whoo!

[indistinct chatter]

You know, that was a good question about the stock market.

Eric, I really think you owe Lee an apology.

I mean, uh, he's such a sweet sincere person.

You're right.

Lee, I'm sorry about all that mess I was talking.

It's just that you know Simone and I used to--

- Oh, well, I understand. - Alright.

- Hey, congratulations. - Thanks.

- Yeah, congratulations. - Thank you.

Boy, you know, your hair is softer than cornsilk

on a dewy morning.

Really? That's so sweet.

- He's good. - Very good.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Hey, everybody, it's my cousin!

Dave in Buffalo.

No, Dave, it's that little metal piece

that flutters back and forth and regulates the air intake.

No, Dave, it's kinda square.

Somethin' like this, do you think?

Uh, forget it, Dave.

Where'd you find that?

Oh, it was lying on the ground in front of the bus.

Well, I'll have you folks running in five minutes now.

[all cheering]

Yeah, let's go.

- That's good. - Bye.

- See ya later. - Go on.

- 'Have a nice day.' - Oh, well..

- See you around. - 'This was the best poem.'

- 'Goodbye, Lee.' - 'I'm glad you see things..'

Well, I just think it's, uh

truly lucky that you picked up that little doohickey.

Oh, shucks, you nailed me.

You see, I thought our little geniuses

could do with taking down a peg or two.

And I think they learned more here today

than they did in bloody Buffalo, don't you?

Here you go, Billy.

I thought you might like a little somethin'

for the ride home.

Thank you so much.

And you know, maybe if you ever pass this way again--

I would be delighted. Thank you very much, indeed.

Bye.

Billy, you're not seriously interested

in that woman, are you?

Bernadette, I do believe you're jealous.

- No! No, I'm not jealous. - You certainly are.

You're greener than a bullfrog and a billiard table.

Okay, I-I guess, the truth is it does bother me.

I don't know why. Oh, yes, I do.

- Yes, I know why. - Oh? Why?

Well, I guess, I guess

I've, um, been sort of flattered by your attentions

and I just, I just don't like to think that

you say all those things to every woman that you meet.

Bernadette, I don't say these things to other women.

Well..

I do say these things to other women

but I don't mean them to other women

but that-that's-that's beside the point.

The point is, why are you upset

by anything I say to other women?

Well, I didn't exactly say..

Oh, yes, I did say, but I just didn't mean--

It's because you're jealous, I think.

- Isn't it? Yeah. - No, I'm not jealous.

- No, I'm not. - You're jealous.

- I am not. - You are a jealous person.

♪ A thousand bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ A thousand bottles of beer ♪

♪ You take one down.. ♪♪

Whe-where, where-where did they go?

They went out that door.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]